If I Don't

After the first day of daylight savings, I guess it's pretty reasonable for most people to be calling it a night a little earlier than usual based on what time suggests. I slept for a while earlier... and kind of missed supper.

Well, I think that it is important for people to be able to voice things without having to have it all bottled up inside of them, so that's what I'll be doing. Because if I don't, I probably won't be a very happy person over the next day or so. When I originally created this blog back in... I forgot (but you can probably look at my archives to see how long this blog has been alive for), I made it so that I could write out my thoughts that I didn't know who or where I could tell them to. It was a really nice way for me to not only practice my writing, but to help me articulate my thoughts into words. Slowly, my blog turned into an update sort of thing to tell people what sort of things have been going on in my life. With that being said, I'm going to revisit the reason that I made my blog in the first place.

First of all, I really, absolutely do not want to throw anyone under the bus; and I'm so sorry if you feel like you've contributed to me feeling this way. Second of all, no matter what I am going to say, it does not change what I stand for about always wanting to be there for people, whether it is listening to them or helping them through something.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I'm going straight to the point. I feel like I've been so incredibly vulnerable in the last couple months because one person pretty much controls all my emotions and dictates a lot of my actions. Best case scenario, that person would be me; but unfortunately, it is not I. And so when what this person says or does clashes with my own personal thoughts and such, a huge battle ensues in my brain. I've lost 100% of the time. I'll then proceed to becoming extremely upset and frustrated at just about everything.

While I'm not feeling so fly, I still have real life to deal with. I get so frustrated when all I do is listen to people and their problems, and I willingly do so because that is what I've promised to everyone that I care about, but I never feel like I can talk to people about what upsets me in return. All I do is listen, but will people stop and listen to me or even ask about me? Hasn't happened yet. I know it's incredibly selfish for me to think this way, but I'm really just saying that everyone has their needs. Here is the problem though, I know that I have people who are willing to care for me or listen to me; but whether it is just me being selfish or whatever, I don't feel like it's good enough. Part of it is because other than telling someone what I feel toward certain things, what are they really going to do? Nothing. Nothing that really amounts to anything anyway. I'm guilty of this too, so I'm sorry to those for the times where all I can do is be here and kind of watch as you go through crappy times in your life and not being able to do anything about it.

Aside from being direct and straight to the point, I'm also being very vague. I kind of call it "beating around the bush, but definitely beating it." I'm leaving one thing off on purpose because if I said it, it would sound very strange - and I don't know how I feel about that. But if you've been there, are there right now, or just really good at reading between the lines, you'll have a good idea of what I'm leaving out. All I can really say is that it sucks to be in my position right now because it's preventing me from giving all I've got to do what I want to do.

Here we are; what a (definitely not) beautiful mess, this is.