Deciphering Me

Blogging has been so fun lately. Half of it is because I've gotten to unleash just about everything that has kept me up at night; the other half is realizing how dumb I am for being so hard on myself. I hope that I have run out of bad things to blog about, although I wouldn't be surprised if there might be a few more, and that I will be able to go back to being myself.

I am really thankful for being able to go through what I am and have been because it has again given me a chance to re-evaluate things. Over the last couple weeks, I've learned about how badly I can beat myself up for not being able to do the smallest things. I'm not sure if it's because of my own standards or whatever, but the best example can be pointed out when I was writing my midterm an hour ago. I was stuck on a question that I knew but just could not recall for whatever reason. I was so disappointed in myself for not remembering, it completely threw my focus off of the test and took a bit of time to readjust my attention back onto actually writing the test and focusing on what I remember and not what I don't. So after the test I went back into my notes to see what it was that I forgot; and when I saw the points, I wanted to punch myself in the face for forgetting.

That incident with the test kind of sums up all the reasons for why I've been wanting to give up. And because it's been a lot of these types of situations that piled up over the last few weeks, I was just probably overwhelmed by all of it. I guess to kind of list off a few of them, so people won't come asking, here are a few of the things that have weighed on my shoulders and where I am with them now:

1. Her. Umm, for anyone that's been forced to hear about my situation with this one, it's still unresolved and probably won't be for at least the foreseeable future just because of the proximity of things. I honestly don't want to jump too far ahead of myself to be saying it will or won't work out because I really don't know. I can only hope for the best, but the way it plays out remains to be seen. This is by far the most indicative of what kind of person I'll be like day-to-day.
2. School. Or life - however you want to put it because school is sort of literally my life. I've had so much trouble finding motivation to work at any time of the day. Living in res, even though it's been amazing, has brought a lot of challenges upon me. I still get things done, but it's probably not to the standard that I have for myself. As a result, if my GPA drops slightly, I think it's to be expected.
3. Church. As SGAC is the third church that I've been routinely attending and getting involved in, I have never had such a difficult time adjusting to things. Part of it is because the primary reason I am here is for my practicum. Even though I hardly ever see going to this church as "doing my practicum," I just haven't been able to get comfortable until, maybe, the last couple weeks where I'm finally starting to feel more at home with everything.
4. Car. I don't think I've still recovered fully from such a traumatic event. It sounds kind of lame when I pin traumatic with car dying, but it's been the only time I've encountered over the last couple years that had any sort of potential for me to be in any real danger. So I still don't really trust my car for me to be doing any long distance driving; and I'm sorry that I won't be able to see some of my friends until Christmas. I really wish I got to get away from Calgary this coming weekend!

All these things have kind of lead me to a really crappy state in my spiritual life and it doesn't feel too amazing. It's always seeming like it's God "turning against" me and not me realizing that I need to be reminded that things don't happen according to my wants. God wants to lead me down the right path but I keep trying to turn and stray away because something appeals to me or is skewing my vision. So I hope I can straighten my path and shake off these hindrances soon!

Thanks for everyone's support.