Choices

Tonight has brought some really interesting thoughts into my mind. I know I've been blogging a crapload this last little while, but there's just been far too much on my mind. I hope that it won't happen too much, but I think it's inevitable that I'm going to be bitching about certain things that are really bothering me.

Now that I haven't really had any big school projects or anything like that left in the term, my mind has been more free to wander places. So I came to a point where I was thinking about why it is so hard to do certain things. These things that I'm referring to are all, sort of, internal - emotions, etc. Controlling emotions and your body's general responsiveness is an incredible skill that I do believe certain people are able to do. It's insanely hard, but I think most people have a good grasp at the whole idea of it. If I try to draw an example, people get attached to things - things like home, family, friends. And depending on our levels of attachment, it can be incredibly difficult to break some of these bonds or connections.

If I kind of digress a little bit, God gave humanity this "free will" thing. The very second that God implemented free will, the possibility of sin was born. Because of this ability to choose (what to wear, what to eat, etc.), it feels awfully strange when something within us happens that we really didn't get to choose. Well, what sort of things? Last time I checked, we don't really get to choose the family that we're born into. God didn't line you up before you're born and be like, "okay, who's family do you want to go to?" And other things that might be a little bit more open ended like falling in love. I don't know about you, but all the times that I've had that experience, I really didn't choose to be in love with that specific person. It just happens! So, when the time comes where you feel like you need to, or at least the situation is asking for it, it's almost impossible to just stop. Other things like depression, or other illnesses, we don't just decide that we're going to be clinically depressed or have cancer or whatever.

From my experience, during these times of battle where my brain is pulling one way but my heart is pulling the other, there are specific moments where I gain some sort of perspective or insight on the situation. More often than not, I'm just left wondering, why can't I do it? I've had my battles with depression, I've had my battles with love, and I think it's all really stupid. I can make HUGE decisions in my life, like being a pastor, moving to Calgary, all these sorts of things; but when it comes to the two things I mentioned before, it's just hopeless. I don't get it.

And I should stop here before things get out of hand.