I'm not too sure that anyone reads this blog anymore, so I'm going to take advantage of it a little bit and spend a few nights this month just releasing everything that's going on in my brain. I have the privilege and blessing of being able to call many people my friends and talk to them about a lot of things, but there always seems to be a bit that is always undisclosed. So I'm going to use that opportunity here.
I probably also have to warn anyone that does come across this little series that I'm calling "August Rush" (because I'm cheesy like that), that there may be a lot of unrefined thoughts and stuff that I haven't really thought through well enough; so please excuse some of my skewed judgment.
-= Part 1 =- My Summer + Randoms
Some people may have seen the effects that this year had on me. Being uncomfortable for much of the year in almost all aspects of life, I knew it was going to be tough the day I moved into res. I really don't like living in community, but I know that I have to. I'd spent most of my time in my own room and only leaving to go outside when I wanted to eat or go do something with the friends I'd made on my floor. Throughout the year, I really didn't have any desire to do anything. My practicum sucked, my personal life sucked, school sucked, etc.
So when my year ended, and I remember the drive home I had during Christmas and in April, when I saw the "Welcome to Edmonton" sign, I have never felt such huge burdens lifted off of my shoulder. I was so homesick that the picture my head painted of heaven was back here in Edmonton. Familiarity.
And since the summer started, I'd also been blessed with a job opportunity to work at a golf course. I thought that it'd be a neat idea because I've never seen this side of working before. All you get is the stuff in retail or in the food industry for summer jobs. I've written a few blog posts about how I've felt about my job at Legends, so I'm not going to say anymore. Although I do have to say that now that I'm finished working there, I am really happy. That type of work just gets too tedious for me to enjoy.
Continuing to be transparent, I've been really happy to be home this summer. There's been many moments where I caught myself thinking that this is basically what heaven will look like to me: getting to hang out with my favorite people every day just doing the things that we love, and not having a care in the world about anything else.
But then, I started to realize that this "happiness" was just a mask for all the problems that I currently have in life. Since about mid-November of 2011, I have never been so down in terms of spiritually, emotionally, physically, and whatever else you can throw in here. I can say quite confidently that I still haven't fully recovered. In case you missed it, I basically was on the verge of giving up Christianity. It's ironic to think that a Bible college student would do that. Again, I will never deny God's existence; I just get fed up with the story that God's written and that I have to play a part in it - to be vague.
Even today, I still have small thoughts of hopelessness and just the desire to give everything up. I'm at a stage where my thoughts mirror a lot of what Ecclesiastes says, about how everything is meaningless.
One thing that I definitely did value about being in Calgary was the chance to have really deep talks with people. I don't really get that at home in Edmonton, whether it's because I just don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about those things or I just don't have anyone to talk to.
I think it's been really evident in how my school year has affect the way I behave around people back home. I'm a ton more cynical, more pessimistic, bitter, and just being at a dangerous level of apathy towards a lot of things. I have pissed a lot of people off because I have no patience in dealing with them, or just generally say things that aren't very pleasant. My frustration shows so easily - in soccer, in church, at myself especially.
My biggest highlight was definitely summer camp. Although I wouldn't label it a highlight as in a spiritual or emotional high; but rather just the liberty for me to do what I love (like I mentioned above with the heaven statement). It was so nice to forget everything this poor world was going through and just hang out with friends. I got to lead worship, but that was just an exclamation mark.
And now, being a few days into August, I've officially ended my job at Legends; and I'm going to have a week here to chill at home before I spend a week coaching soccer. Then I'll be heading to Vancouver for a couple weeks and then come right back and head down to Calgary.
I have to admit that, although most people get the back to school jitters, mine feel a bit different than they used to. I don't even know how to explain it, because I don't even know what it is I'm feeling. But one thing I do know that this upcoming year is going to be a huge year for me. If I don't regain some stepping ground, I'm going to be in trouble heading into my internship and final year.
But anyway, my train of thought is fading. I had so much I wanted to write about, and I still have a lot I want to write about. But I think I'll cap off the first part here; and maybe I'll write again tomorrow.
Thanks for reading - it means a lot to me.
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