Like I said in yesterday's post, I'll continue to write about pretty much whatever has been on my mind over the last several months. I think I'm leaning more toward a really sensitive topic for today, especially with what I've been thinking about. So I guess that if anyone happens to read this, please know that it is never my intention to single anyone out, as much as it may seem like in some parts. I'm just giving a general view of the way I see things. And I am well aware that the picture I'll be painting may sour your view on me, or on other things; and I'm okay with that. Of course, I want people to form their own opinions and views, so if I'm able to guide that along, then so be it.
-= Part 2 =- NEAC and Church-Life
During my down time throughout the school year, there were a lot of times that I really did not want to go to church. I just had zero desire to be there, and it was tough to still try to serve and attend without looking like a depressed child.
Carrying over from two years ago, from when I first moved out, I had always looked forward to coming back to NEAC because this is my home church - the church I grew up in, and the one I have made way too many connections in. If my memory is at all accurate, the first couple times back felt a little strange and surreal. I had to intentionally remind myself that I've been gone, so it was very likely for things to change. To my surprise, each time I left, I felt that it's still felt the same from before I left.
However, for each time that I came back, it got less and less awkward for me. But on the other hand, both myself and everyone else just kind of accepted that I'm the guy that's moved out and is back to visit for a weekend or whatever.
I do have to admit that I have always had a bit of an ego. I mean, who doesn't, but I know that mine has brought out the worst side of me before, and it's likely it'll happen again. But I am one of those people that know I'm gifted in a lot of things. It's really hard to not be high on yourself and have high standards. If you're like me, then you'll know exactly what I mean. So with that being said, I'm going to speak very highly of myself for a while; but I'm doing it so I can make a point or two later on.
When you look at NEAC, from its existence up until this point, there's only been a few people that have been so involved in the growth of the church. My parents are one of them. So being a child of a couple that's been with this church since the beginning, I naturally take after them as I grow older. So I've seen, as I grew up, all the stages of development and all the people that have come through our church - and I'm very happy to say that I've had the privilege to share this "growing up" with several other people too.
So, even as I was still in much of the kids programs and all that stuff, I'd still been involved with leadership and all that stuff. Much of it was involuntary, only some where I willingly stepped up and said I want to help. Regardless of how I ended up in such positions, I've been blessed to see everything: all that works and all that doesn't work.
And when I got older, my involvement went from just doing random things here and there to a more stable and structured things like doing worship, or being an AWANA game director. And I'm sure that when you mention my name, the first response of any sort of influence I've had will definitely be in the worship side of things.
I'm okay with being seen as that guy. With a lot of help and guidance, I do think that I've had a huge hand in making our worship the way it is today, up until I left. I was talking to someone close to me about worship one day, and the person pointed out that a large portion of the songs we sing now were introduced by me. I never really thought of that, but when it was pointed out to me, I realized that there is some truth to it. I'm not going to go out of my way to take credit for all the music and whatever, but it adds to reinforce to me, personally, things that I've always told myself that I need to do in life. Whether it was something silly or something serious, I always wanted to be able to do the little things that no one will remember or care to notice, but in the long run have an effect, whether big or subtle, on the way people live.
On top of what our worship looks like today, I've seen other things that have sprouted from small seeds over a span of time to remind me of a time when I did something. Whether the person credits himself/herself for their behavior or another person, knowing that I may have had a role in it, it helps me know that my goals are being accomplished.
I'm going to use an example, even though it may definitely seem like I'm putting someone on the spot. Years ago, when we had a kids' soccer team, I took huge pride in being one of the leaders on the team. Seeing as I was a little older and a little more coordinated with my feet, I really wanted to step up. There was one summer where we had our annual game against the fathers. As the game started, the dad playing in net was unfamiliar with the rules of soccer. So when he caught the ball, he thought he had to put it on the ground to kick it. I'd been watching him a couple times. On a third time where he went to put the ground on the ball and step back to kick it, I ran up to kick the ball into the net because the ball was still a live ball. After that, he only put the ball on the ground if it had originally went out of bounds.
Now here's where it gets sketchy. Because whether this occurrence happened again elsewhere or not, I had this exact same scenario told to me in a conversation I had. Except the only difference was that the individual I was talking to was the one that did what I had done.
So what am I saying? The soccer story and my influence on church worship has been ways of telling me that I CAN make a difference. I've always been someone of low self esteem, even with the ego. So I know that even though I'm gone, I've left my mark in NEAC.
The trouble now, is that since I'm gone, I have to accept the fact that my influence or my presence will eventually fade away. And I'm already beginning to see that - especially this summer.
It saddens me that I've begun to realize that there are some people, where I used to be relatively good friends with, that I just don't talk to anymore. Something big coming up in his/her life? Not only do I not get to be there to support in any way, I don't even get to know anything about it. Being away, life progresses, and I don't get to be there during the process. So when I come back, I try so hard to fit in again; but it just doesn't work.
Like I said yesterday, the happiness is just a mask. I do my best to feel welcome and feel at home with this church, but it's so obvious that my time is up. Everyone's fine with me not being there, and I have to accept that. Not like I'm the center of the universe, but that's how you're made to feel as your circle of networking begins to diminish. And so I've just begun telling myself that I need to do my best to be okay with the position I am in. I don't really have much influence in the church anymore, so I need to take a step back and just let the current leaders handle it. Trust that God will do something good, and watch it blossom.
With everything being said, I've taken up the chance to really observe how far the church has come over the last couple of months. I don't know if it's my pastoral training or whatever, but I'm seeing some really unfortunate things in our church. I can guarantee that a lot of these are well known issues, but I really feel like these issues have something that is even deeper that has potential to completely cause the church to die out.
I'm not going to lie, as much as I don't want it to happen, and I don't know if the chances are even remotely at a level where it can take effect, but there is definitely something boiling underneath that can cause a lot of permanent damage and destroy relationships and lives.
These issues are so severe and serious that there is no way I'm going to discuss them on a blog where everyone can see it. But I think that after seeing how long this post is, I'm going to wait until next time, maybe tomorrow, to talk about some of the things that I feel need to be addressed with my home church.
I'll be the first to admit that I haven't done anything to help the cause. And given the circumstances, I really don't know if there's anything I can do.
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