Continuation

It's been a very strange couple of days. The rollercoaster of life decided to condense all its ups and downs into a very dense frequency that just turned all my insides around.

I didn't get to visit the lady again because she passed away. On Sunday, when I was passing out communion, I got to a man that looked really familiar, but I couldn't seem to recall who he was - I tend to do that with just about everyone I've met recently. After service, though, as I stood by the doorway out of the sanctuary, I saw him standing over by the coat rack by himself; and then it struck me right in the face. He was the husband of the lady who I had visited on Saturday. There was this really strange urge for me to go over to talk to him to see how he's doing even though I was still greeting some people. I caught a couple glimpses when he looked over at me, seeming like he wanted to talk to me. Something held me back though. I very rarely regret things, but when I left church, I felt like kicking myself in the face for not talking to him. I felt so bad. There's always things that I don't do that I feel like I should have done, or vice versa, but this time it felt completely different. It felt much more significant. Even now, I want to go back and be able to change that. Normally, when things pass by that I think could have gone differently, I'll acknowledge the hindsight, but rarely do I want to relive it and make that change; this time, I do.

Next week is also to be our VBS. As of this morning, there are zero kids registered to attend. On Sunday night, I felt this really heavy burden that was conflicting me, wondering why it's the week before and there's still zero sign ups. I'll admit right now that I haven't done a whole lot of work to prep for this VBS because there's some amazing people who have voluntarily helped me get crafts prepared, snacks ready, and all that kind of stuff; all I've really done is to get the ball rolling and made sure it kept going. So the thought of having to possibly cancel VBS because there's no kids is piercing. If I have to go up on Sunday to make the announcement that it's cancelled, I will feel really bad for the several that have taken time out to help me prepare, having all that effort amount to nothing.

Then on Monday, I decided to go out to take a walk into town. Because it was a holiday, pretty much nothing was open. The town was so quiet it was almost scary, as I walked through the streets. The funny thing that I found, of course, was that the Chinese restaurant was still open. I almost wanted to go in just to see what it was like, as I haven't been there yet. When I got home from the walk though, I felt so refreshed, so uplifted, like there wasn't a single worry in the world to be had. I felt so good. I even went on to have an awesome rest of the afternoon and evening. In League (I know you don't care, but I'm telling you anyway), I almost had back to back pentakills. What that means is I almost took out the entire enemy team by myself twice. For reference, it's like scoring two hattricks in a single game, and I'd have scored 5. It was an amazing Monday.

Fast forward to this morning, I just felt kind of down again. Having to come back to facing the things that are ahead of me this week, there's a lot that I need to do. I need to continue to prepare for a possibly non-existant VBS, find music to lead worship with, contact a load of people to find their availabilities for several ministries, etc. I don't really think that I'm overwhelmed or feeling worried about any of these things, but I just feel terrible when I let people down.

So in the midst of all this, I wrote a song. LOL. I have no idea why or how, but it just kind of showed up. I've recorded an unfinished version on my computer, but I don't think I'd change it a whole lot more. It's a pretty dark song, as you might have guessed with all that's gone on the past few days, but I'm just amazed that it came out because I am a terrible songwriter. I wonder if I should share it - I really don't know, because if you're good at reading between lines, it kind of reveals some of the darkest areas of my life.

Anyhow, back to work.