I find it strange how when difficult times arrive, I just kind of accept it and don't even bother to try to deal with it. It's actually probably not a good thing. Because, in a sense, I'm embracing that I'm having a crappy time; and therefore I am somehow justified to be bitter and negative towards everything. The world hates me, etc., etc.
Since my car died last night, I've been incredibly cynical and angry at just about everything. I could probably count how many times I laughed or even smiled today for that matter. It is at times like these where I just hate everything. I've been angry at God and perfectly fine with it too. It's gotten to a point where I'm apathetic toward being upset, thus allowing myself to just indulge in all of its glory. It's kind of scary actually because I think you might be surprised at how much rage has been building up inside of me.
Well, anyways, I don't even know if I'll ever have a car to drive again until I get a full time job and can afford to finance one. That is part of why I've been so upset. The other part of it is that just the way the whole story played out last night, with the car drawing closer to giving out each meter that it traveled. It got to a point where I had to turn off all the heat, the lights, everything when it was pitch black outside. Even my dashboard froze and the lights turned off so I couldn't see how fast I was going. But even if the dashboard lights were on, it wouldn't have mattered because the speedometer froze.
So as the car finally got back into the parking lot, I turned it off one last time. I swear, the car could've just given out when I was still on the road. But seeing as the car is the only damn thing in this world that really cares about me, it refused to leave me stranded in the middle of Calgary at night. Just with the way it happened is why I'm so angry at why it's got to happen.
The stupid thing is that I know exactly how this is going to play out. God's the one in control and that's how I like it. Things suck like crap right now and I know that I just have to go through with it because that's what God's written. So I really have no choice but to just live through until somehow things get better. Other than the car being fixed and having me pay a shitload of money that I don't even have for that to occur, I don't see myself having a vehicle anymore.What this means is that I can't do crap when I'm in Calgary. I have to meet requirements to graduate; and part of these requirements is to be working at a church. This church that I'm at right now is a 30 minute drive for heaven's sake.
With the last 24 hours and the way things unfolded, once again I'm finding myself being bitter and angry at the way life works. I'm not going to lie, over the last year, whenever I'm upset, I'm honestly just praying for Jesus to come back or at least take me up with him. I know these are some dangerous things to be asking, especially the latter. But it kind of just shows that I haven't been ideally what you'd call "happy" or "joyful".
And the other stupid thing is that with the state that I'm in, it goes against everything that I believe in. I tell people that there's no point to worry and all that kind of crap to try to paint a picture with sunshine and flowers, but reality of things is that life is going to suck and does suck. I've been such a huge positivity person and just promoted optimism in general; but recently, and you can probably tell too, that I'm really becoming a cynic and pessimist. This part of the journey that I'm at just isn't allowing me to live out what I preach, thus making me a hypocrite.
When I try to take a look on the big picture, the whole "perspective" crap that we often spew out, I see that I'm just a 20 year old kid that's trying to make it through Bible college. Quite frankly, things only get worse from here on out because even though living the life of a student is legitimately unfair, being in full time ministry is quite possibly worse and will be worse at times.
The absolute worst part of all this is that it always feels like nobody gives a damn. I'm here barely holding on, and other than well wishes, which is already few and far in between, what do I get? Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all, other than the fact that I'm left feeling sorry for myself and trying to force pity upon myself.
Honest question: what's the bloody point?
3 comments:
It wouldn't be fair for me to tell you everything will be fine after what you've been through, so i won't. Just know that you'll be in my prayers, have faith that there are people who care about you! More importantly have faith in God!
I have this screen opened for the past hour but no words came to me..so I'll try to contage you with a smile!
Forgot. :)
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