A Year Later

A year ago, I was sitting in my new room thinking. I spent way too many nights in that room being confused and probably feeling lonely. To put it quite frankly, my first year at Ambrose was tough. Many things were less than ideal, but I just don't live life that way to keep dwelling on them, or looking at things that way.

Now I'm sitting at my kitchen table just one day removed from having to move down to Calgary again. I didn't intend to do it, but the recent deaths of three hockey players and their link to depression has really got me thinking. It breaks my heart to have to hear about people go through these things on a daily basis. I did some thinking about what sort of things might lead to depression and what sort of things someone might experience when they are in that state. It's very sad. I wish the best to all the families and friends that have been affected by these deaths.

What does this have to do with Calgary? I don't know, really. I just have a hard time thinking that I have to leave again. I think the difference between this year and last year though is that I tried to push aside all the feelings that were going through my head last year, partly because I had no idea what to expect. And so when things finally happened, I kind of caved all at once. This time around, I have a better idea of what to think about and what to expect my brain and heart would be feeling like. It's not very much easier the second time around. My body and mind are still recovering from a really high paced and demanding two months of soccer and teaching the kids about God, so it's been a tough week of transition for me.

There were quite a few times over this passed week where I kind of just found myself sitting here like a fruit. When I realized that I was literally only breathing and blinking, I kind of caught myself in some sort of strange intermediate state about trying to find out what coaching soccer did for me and needing to get ready for school.

And so here I am, with one day left until I hit the road again to move back to Calgary. I'm moving into the residence this year and I'm nervous about it. Since finishing soccer, my mind has just been a mess and I don't think I've made much sense at all this week - in what I said, wrote, thought, etc. So if this blog post doesn't make sense, you now know why.

Half of me is incredibly excited to move into res and start school. The other half is holding on to what I have here at home: my family, my friends, my familiarity. So far, the latter half is winning.