Empty

I've been given the privilege to come back to Edmonton for Reading Week; and I'm pretty stoked to be home. Seeing family is always such a refreshing and relieving sight, especially having been away for a little while. It's always good to know you belong somewhere.

Anyways, certain things have happened and have made me think about emptiness. I haven't been able to figure out any good reasons for something to be empty; if you have one, let me know and I'll give you credit! Whether it is empty on gas, empty in your glass, empty in the stomach, they are generally not the coolest feelings. In fact, I experience those things rather frequently, haha.

With the career path that I am going into, it's quite known that the income isn't the greatest. I can testify that I haven't even finished my first year, and I am already feeling what it's like to be broke. After the first few weeks of January, it had gotten to a point where I opened my wallet and there was nothing inside. It was completely empty in terms of money. I can honestly say that I've been so spoiled in my life, that the first time I opened my wallet to see that it was empty, it was such a painful feeling. It's so hard to describe because I cannot relate it to anything or provide any metaphors to explain it. But it did not feel good. Lucky for me, there are some people that care enough about me to help with this issue. I used to tell people that I had no money when I didn't want to spend it, and it was all fun and games; but now, when I say it, it's truth. I don't like to have people to pay for my stuff; but that means I don't like that Jesus has to pay for my sins, so I probably cannot say that. And don't get me wrong, I don't say "I don't have money" hoping that someone pays for me - I used to, but not anymore. Being broke isn't very cool. Rest assured, I do have a bit of money now because of some belated red pocket money that I got from Chinese New Years. Hopefully it lasts me the rest of this term.

I have also heard a few people talk about something in the last couple months. When you're young, there is always something that you are absolutely in love with. Toys, activities, whatever it was, nothing could possibly separate you from the thing you loved. Eventually, you grow out of it, and then that love gets placed into the closet, or stored away somewhere else. Years later, you suddenly stumble upon this thing, and it just brings back a flood of memories and good times. Sometimes, you will be so amazed that you'll fall in love with it again, causing you to try to rekindle that experience you had, only to find that it just isn't the same. All the memories in your mind and the pictures of what was once your life, it's not the same. I am worrying that I am getting that feeling right now. But it's not with any object or hobby or something, it's much bigger. That feeling is also something like an emptiness. When it's all in my mind, it's heaven; but when I actually get back to it in reality, it's rather disappointing. Even though it's really cool and nice to have that refreshing feeling, I think it's sometimes better to just put the past where it belongs and move on. It's always important to acknowledge your past because it shaped you into who you are. But the past is what it is, so sometimes it's better to just leave things there. I wonder if many others that might have been in a similar situation as I am ever felt the same. Probably.

This is about as pessimistic as I am willing to get.

Spend some time with your family tomorrow! Even a phone call would probably be much appreciated.