Okay, I need to get this out. I was going to bed, already turned the computer off too; but I turned it back on so I can write this out. I realize it's almost 1am, and I'm really tired, but I need to get this out before it does anything bad. I will talk about this once now, and it will also be my in my hopes that it is the last time I talk about it. And also, I think this is as badly or as negatively as I will respond to this topic, so please don't use this blog post and assume that it's how I see things every single time.
Here goes nothing.
I get it, I'm Asian. If you want to be more specific, I'm Chinese; both my parents are from Hong Kong, so I've grown up speaking Cantonese and learning Mandarin in school. Yes, because I'm a second generation Chinese, I will have some heritage that is more pinned towards the Chinese culture. Does this make me any different from anyone else? No.
Growing up, if you were to tell me that I'm Chinese, I probably wouldn't even know what you're talking about. "So?" That would be what you'd hear from me if you were to point it out. It doesn't mean that I am so blind to the fact that I have a different skin color (in all honesty though, can you even say that I'm "different" - different as opposed to what? white?); but the point is that it doesn't even strike me to point out to someone that they're of a different ethnicity. Sure, being in an environment that is predominantly Asian as I grew up will help mask that exposure to "discrimination," but I still never had any issues with it.
The point where I think it has crossed the line is that almost anything said about me, justification for something I do, or whatever, it is ALWAYS because I'm Chinese. I know that you're not trying to be racist or anything, but holy crap do you have to bring it up everytime I do something? You know it's bad that when we gave "awards" to everyone on the floor, and I get the one for being "most biologically Asian." What the hell does that even mean? Do I get to choose to be Asian? Do I make fun of you for something that you do because you're white or black, even in a joking manner? Hell no. If I'm talking to someone on Skype and they just so happened to have a Chinese last name, am I related to them? Can you be anymore shallow? Holy crap, dude.
I didn't think it meant too much, and I didn't want to take it too seriously, but when I start to question my heritage and myself because of the ignorant and pathetic comments that are made, you've gone too far. Maybe because I'm more reserved and don't usually say too much, so you may not know a whole lot about me, but do you really find the need to raise the fact that I'm of a different skin color than you whenever I'm in the conversation? Non-Asians seem to have this obsession (perhaps that's too harsh? Maybe I'll use "infatuation" instead) with the fact that there is an Asian around them. It's almost like they can't believe that someone that has a different descent ethnically than themselves is in existence. I've experienced this for several years now. It's almost like Asians are some type of (divine) creatures that are just so fascinating that they have to point it out. Let me draw up a parallel. When we watch hockey, Sidney Crosby to be specific, we will almost always immediately point out how strong he is on his skates, how amazing he is at reading the play and just how much he can control the game. Crosby has been in this league for many years now, but there is still that fascination people find whenever they watch him - and for his case, he has earned it. I find that the same for being an Asian. People might give me a second glance just because I'm a freakin' Asian. I'm not that special, I didn't do anything to warrant "special treatment" due to my color.
I'm not talking or directing my questions at anyone specific. It's more toward the general social life I have had here at Ambrose. Christian college, eh? Some days I really wonder if a Christian college is even any different from a regular university.
I don't talk to anyone differently, treat anyone differently, or view anyone differently because of their skin color; so why should you? Treat people by who they are as a person, not what they look like or what their ethnicity is.
I'm getting really tired of this; but I'm done now.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Beauty In Sanctity
When I moved into residence last year, I met a lady named Karen. Karen is the lady that cleans up the dorms everyday. Over the first several months, I never talked too much to her, but I kept hearing that she was one of the most amazing people you could ever talk to; and I never disagreed, because from the small amount of encounters with her, she was always so nice and so encouraging to me. She doesn't really have to know me well in order for her to make me feel good about myself and offer encouragement. I really appreciated, not only what she does for residence students, but the person God has made her to be.
Eventually, I had the opportunity to talk to her more and more; and I cannot remember a single time where I talked to her and did not take something out of the conversation. Whether she helps me learn or see something completely new, or enhance something I already had some knowledge of, she always brings freshness into my view upon life.
Today, I had a class at 8:15am. I woke up at 8:14am. I kind of just snoozed my way through class and expected to come back into my room to take a nap. When I walked all the way up to my floor, Karen was preparing her things to start cleaning. She saw me and pleasantly said hi. From then on, we spent half an hour talking about all sorts of things. Well, mainly it was about things that have been on my mind lately because she's amazing at wanting to know about us.
The amount of wisdom that Karen has just blows my mind. I am so incredibly thankful for her and what she means to everyone that lives in residence. She gave me insight as to things that I've been wrestling about; she gave me comfort in reminding me that the power of the Holy Spirit can help us overcome anything; she gave me hope in knowing that even though life may blow chunks, whether for myself or for people I care about, it is not the be all and end all of life; and, she gave me confidence in myself and people that we are created in the image of God, meaning that at our very essence, our very core, we are meant to resemble God and are destined to do amazing things.
Today, I am thankful for Karen; she is the epitome of what sanctification looks like, and I want to be like her.
Eventually, I had the opportunity to talk to her more and more; and I cannot remember a single time where I talked to her and did not take something out of the conversation. Whether she helps me learn or see something completely new, or enhance something I already had some knowledge of, she always brings freshness into my view upon life.
Today, I had a class at 8:15am. I woke up at 8:14am. I kind of just snoozed my way through class and expected to come back into my room to take a nap. When I walked all the way up to my floor, Karen was preparing her things to start cleaning. She saw me and pleasantly said hi. From then on, we spent half an hour talking about all sorts of things. Well, mainly it was about things that have been on my mind lately because she's amazing at wanting to know about us.
The amount of wisdom that Karen has just blows my mind. I am so incredibly thankful for her and what she means to everyone that lives in residence. She gave me insight as to things that I've been wrestling about; she gave me comfort in reminding me that the power of the Holy Spirit can help us overcome anything; she gave me hope in knowing that even though life may blow chunks, whether for myself or for people I care about, it is not the be all and end all of life; and, she gave me confidence in myself and people that we are created in the image of God, meaning that at our very essence, our very core, we are meant to resemble God and are destined to do amazing things.
Today, I am thankful for Karen; she is the epitome of what sanctification looks like, and I want to be like her.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Spring Is Arriving!!
Ahhhhhh! I love that there is still sunlight outside when it's 7pm. We lost an hour of sleep due to daylight savings ending this past weekend, but I can deal with that. I don't know what it is, but the sun just makes life so much better. Haha.
I haven't blogged in March yet, so I thought I'd do that while I procrastinate. I don't really think much has happened since my last blog. I've remained lazy and that's about it. My dad turned 50, so I got the chance to go home this past weekend to celebrate a little bit. It's crazy to think that both my parents are 50 now. It's such an incredible accomplishment to live half a century, and I can only dream of getting there one day.
With the obligatory school updates, or more like rant, I have been struggling to do my work. It's an unfortunate struggle that has lasted almost a year now. I just can't seem to find motivation to do much, so I'm kind of left scrambling with a day or two left before things are due to try to finish them. Apathy is so dangerous, and with less than one year of school remaining, I am getting to that point where I just want to be done. It's too bad, because Spring of 2014 is still quite a ways away; but when we get there, I will do the standard "oh my gosh, where has all the time gone?!" So, while it's tough, I really want to make it so that between now and then, I don't want to have any regrets of how I spent my time. So, I know that it all depends on me and pushing myself to the point where I can finish strong.
Okay, I'm going to sound like a dork now. I think I like playing League of Legends too much. Actually, I don't know if I can say that. The game induces so much rage at times, so if I "like" that, then there might be an issue. Haha. The thing with the game is that you're never satisfied, so you want to keep playing. I think my knowledge of the game is starting to really take off, and so that just makes me want to continuously queue up and find a match so I can test out these knowledges. The bad thing is that most of the time, that's all I want to do: play League. Perhaps an uninstall will come in soon if I start prioritizing the game over some much more important things.
In other news, things with my internship are starting to take shape now, so I'm glad about that. One thing that God's been really good at doing to me is setting me up for things that 100% kick me out of my comfort zone without killing me. I think that, when I look back at my life, I've looked at many significant moments in my life the same way I'm looking at my internship right now. I don't think I can tell you exactly what it is, but I'll just say that I think a lot of it is anxiety. For someone like me, feeling nervous about things really isn't something I do a lot of. So, knowing me, I'll probably be going down to Saskatchewan with every bit of reluctance, and then proceed to learn a lot and grow a lot, at the very least. I also want to point out that growing and learning a ton doesn't necessarily equate itself with enjoying an experience. Case in point, I learned a ton about myself last year during my practicum, but to tell you that I enjoyed it would be a lie. This also doesn't mean that I don't want to enjoy my time in Saskatchewan; I do, I am just always kind of bracing myself for the worst case scenario.
Anyhow, I really wish that sometimes you could just ignore all that emotion crap and hurting-feelings crap and be able to slap some people in the face and tell them to wake up. Unfortunately, I'm not bold enough nor have the balls to do that, especially to people I care about. But there's just always times when I want to call them out for things without making myself look like the bad guy. And even if I did, I don't like arguing with people, so if they return with something to try to either make their case or just be a troll and try to disprove my stance or whatever, then I just kind of let it be because it's not a hill I'm willing to die on. They can have their victory, it's fine with me; most of the time, the disagreements happen in more of a lifestyle choice than anything. There's only a few things that I won't let go of, and when they appear, then I'll fight for it.
Gonna be a crazy couple of weeks!
I haven't blogged in March yet, so I thought I'd do that while I procrastinate. I don't really think much has happened since my last blog. I've remained lazy and that's about it. My dad turned 50, so I got the chance to go home this past weekend to celebrate a little bit. It's crazy to think that both my parents are 50 now. It's such an incredible accomplishment to live half a century, and I can only dream of getting there one day.
With the obligatory school updates, or more like rant, I have been struggling to do my work. It's an unfortunate struggle that has lasted almost a year now. I just can't seem to find motivation to do much, so I'm kind of left scrambling with a day or two left before things are due to try to finish them. Apathy is so dangerous, and with less than one year of school remaining, I am getting to that point where I just want to be done. It's too bad, because Spring of 2014 is still quite a ways away; but when we get there, I will do the standard "oh my gosh, where has all the time gone?!" So, while it's tough, I really want to make it so that between now and then, I don't want to have any regrets of how I spent my time. So, I know that it all depends on me and pushing myself to the point where I can finish strong.
Okay, I'm going to sound like a dork now. I think I like playing League of Legends too much. Actually, I don't know if I can say that. The game induces so much rage at times, so if I "like" that, then there might be an issue. Haha. The thing with the game is that you're never satisfied, so you want to keep playing. I think my knowledge of the game is starting to really take off, and so that just makes me want to continuously queue up and find a match so I can test out these knowledges. The bad thing is that most of the time, that's all I want to do: play League. Perhaps an uninstall will come in soon if I start prioritizing the game over some much more important things.
In other news, things with my internship are starting to take shape now, so I'm glad about that. One thing that God's been really good at doing to me is setting me up for things that 100% kick me out of my comfort zone without killing me. I think that, when I look back at my life, I've looked at many significant moments in my life the same way I'm looking at my internship right now. I don't think I can tell you exactly what it is, but I'll just say that I think a lot of it is anxiety. For someone like me, feeling nervous about things really isn't something I do a lot of. So, knowing me, I'll probably be going down to Saskatchewan with every bit of reluctance, and then proceed to learn a lot and grow a lot, at the very least. I also want to point out that growing and learning a ton doesn't necessarily equate itself with enjoying an experience. Case in point, I learned a ton about myself last year during my practicum, but to tell you that I enjoyed it would be a lie. This also doesn't mean that I don't want to enjoy my time in Saskatchewan; I do, I am just always kind of bracing myself for the worst case scenario.
Anyhow, I really wish that sometimes you could just ignore all that emotion crap and hurting-feelings crap and be able to slap some people in the face and tell them to wake up. Unfortunately, I'm not bold enough nor have the balls to do that, especially to people I care about. But there's just always times when I want to call them out for things without making myself look like the bad guy. And even if I did, I don't like arguing with people, so if they return with something to try to either make their case or just be a troll and try to disprove my stance or whatever, then I just kind of let it be because it's not a hill I'm willing to die on. They can have their victory, it's fine with me; most of the time, the disagreements happen in more of a lifestyle choice than anything. There's only a few things that I won't let go of, and when they appear, then I'll fight for it.
Gonna be a crazy couple of weeks!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Feeling the Rush
You had to have known that I'd blog about it.
If you didn't, let me tell you. This past Sunday was the first time I ever preached. It took twenty-two years and almost three years of Bible college for me to actually do it. I won't lie, I was terrified at the thought of preaching at first, but after having done it now, I think it felt pretty neat.
I'm not going to lie, my prep work was abysmal. I didn't start any REAL preparation until the week that I was going to preach. For a first time, that's cutting it really close; it's kind of like a seasoned preacher in his fifties not preparing for a Sunday sermon until Friday night.
Because I was preaching at the end of Reading Week, it made for a pretty unique few days for me. I did most of my prep work when I was at home in Edmonton. My plan was to come back to Calgary on Saturday so I could preach on Sunday - duh. On Friday night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I remember waking up several times in the middle of the night in some kind of adrenalin rush or something.
When I got back on Saturday afternoon, I dedicated myself to preparing for the rest of the day. At around 9:30 or 10pm, I hit a wall. I went from being really productive to my brain not even willing to stay focused for more than thirty seconds. At that point, I felt really close to being prepared, but not quite there yet. I tried for about half an hour more, but I just could not bring myself to any level of productivity. So I decided that I'd just go to sleep and wake up a little earlier the next morning to finish my prep work.
The most difficult part during my preparation was taking the points I had written down for my text and trying to formulate actual sentences that flowed together to make the sermon. I tried and tried, but it just felt like poop. That night, I was laying around in my bed for a couple hours before I finally got to sleep. After sleeping for maybe two hours, I woke up again and my mind was racing like never before. I can only remember one other instance in my life where I had such an experience, and that required drinking some pretty strong coffee at 9pm. My mind was seriously going crazy. I can't even remember what I was thinking about, but it felt like a battle was going on. Eventually, I think I went back to sleep at around 5am.
There was tons of nerves before I gave the sermon; but as I always have it, they were gone the moment I got up there and put my notes down. *in best Korean accent* PRAISE THE JESUSUUUU!
Yeah, that's about all that I got. Of course, the delivery wasn't as smooth as I wanted it; but hey, it's my first time. I learned a TON and I expect to be better tenfold next time! (= The thing I valued most from this first experience, and maybe even preaching in general, is the constant reminder for myself that it's not about me and how much I need God to be the one that is in control. I always give a halfassed "surrender" to God, filled with conditions and clauses, that I tend to take back if something were to go wrong; but preparing to preach has definitely allowed me to be completely liberated of all things that are of myself and of this world. It was awesome!
If you didn't, let me tell you. This past Sunday was the first time I ever preached. It took twenty-two years and almost three years of Bible college for me to actually do it. I won't lie, I was terrified at the thought of preaching at first, but after having done it now, I think it felt pretty neat.
I'm not going to lie, my prep work was abysmal. I didn't start any REAL preparation until the week that I was going to preach. For a first time, that's cutting it really close; it's kind of like a seasoned preacher in his fifties not preparing for a Sunday sermon until Friday night.
Because I was preaching at the end of Reading Week, it made for a pretty unique few days for me. I did most of my prep work when I was at home in Edmonton. My plan was to come back to Calgary on Saturday so I could preach on Sunday - duh. On Friday night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I remember waking up several times in the middle of the night in some kind of adrenalin rush or something.
When I got back on Saturday afternoon, I dedicated myself to preparing for the rest of the day. At around 9:30 or 10pm, I hit a wall. I went from being really productive to my brain not even willing to stay focused for more than thirty seconds. At that point, I felt really close to being prepared, but not quite there yet. I tried for about half an hour more, but I just could not bring myself to any level of productivity. So I decided that I'd just go to sleep and wake up a little earlier the next morning to finish my prep work.
The most difficult part during my preparation was taking the points I had written down for my text and trying to formulate actual sentences that flowed together to make the sermon. I tried and tried, but it just felt like poop. That night, I was laying around in my bed for a couple hours before I finally got to sleep. After sleeping for maybe two hours, I woke up again and my mind was racing like never before. I can only remember one other instance in my life where I had such an experience, and that required drinking some pretty strong coffee at 9pm. My mind was seriously going crazy. I can't even remember what I was thinking about, but it felt like a battle was going on. Eventually, I think I went back to sleep at around 5am.
There was tons of nerves before I gave the sermon; but as I always have it, they were gone the moment I got up there and put my notes down. *in best Korean accent* PRAISE THE JESUSUUUU!
Yeah, that's about all that I got. Of course, the delivery wasn't as smooth as I wanted it; but hey, it's my first time. I learned a TON and I expect to be better tenfold next time! (= The thing I valued most from this first experience, and maybe even preaching in general, is the constant reminder for myself that it's not about me and how much I need God to be the one that is in control. I always give a halfassed "surrender" to God, filled with conditions and clauses, that I tend to take back if something were to go wrong; but preparing to preach has definitely allowed me to be completely liberated of all things that are of myself and of this world. It was awesome!
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