Relapse

Have I used that title in a past post? I feel like I have, but whatever, and here is the other side/flip side of my last post.

Since last week, I started to descend into a bit of a pit. This spiritual warfare business is not very fun, and it's taking its toll on me right now. Given that I was on the prayer team for LYC, our team was subject to a lot of attacks. These attacks ranged anywhere from the internal things like depression or anxiety to external ones like feeling ill or exhaustion. As my introvertedness is the strongest area of who I am, all my struggles, of course, came internally.

Past issues that I've dealt with, things like lust, porn, depression, feeling of no self worth, etc., all came back and gave me a really rough week when I wasn't doing much. Essentially, the only thing that helped mask the symptoms was the busy-ness that I was caught up in while preparing for LYC and doing homework or playing games.

Now that the conference is over, though, it seems there's nothing to hold these issues back from taking full effect. So, since about Friday, I've been inflicted with a huge sense of a longing, an anxiety or impatience, that has lead to an enormous sense of discouragement. Because I'm a person that is so internally driven, I struggled tremendously to be motivated. Being discouraged is one of the hardest things for me to overcome because there's basically the feeling of hopelessness that overwhelms me to make me think that nothing I do or try to do is even close enough to achieving what I need to do.

Things were just bouncing back and forth, left and right, hitting me at every angle. Everything I tried to see more or less compounded with one another to make matters even worse. For example, I feel that I have no reason to be discouraged especially given that my roommate's dad had died a couple weeks back. So I proceed to think that I should try to be the best support that I can, but realizing that I really can't do anything just snowballs it into one giant wreck of a day.

So as I continue to battle through this discouragement, I just hope that I'm still able to not let it get too much in the way of my homework and assignments. I already foresee some of them being late simply because I can't find the drive to work, as being in the dumps makes it difficult for me to be productive.

Let's see how long this phase of depression goes on for! I'm determined to get back up and finish this stinkin' term off well.!