Confessions of a Third Year Ministry Student

First things first: HOCKEY'S BACK! I'd lost hope on this season; but, strangely enough, there will be a season! I woke up first thing this morning to find out that the tentative agreement has been made and that hockey would be underway within the next two weeks. Pretty stoked, if you ask me.

Onto some other "house-keeping" items, I honestly cannot believe that Christmas break is over. I think I can genuinely say that this Christmas has gone by the fastest because it was the best Christmas break I've had for as long as I can remember. It's amazing how great life can be without all these deadlines and chores and all the other stuff that we normally abide ourselves to. I was able to live with as much freedom as I believe I'll ever be able to before the big guy comes back.

So, with the new year and school, work, all the things we need to go back to now here, I just want to wish everyone an amazing semester. I pray for the best; but, we have to remember that, sometimes, the best will mean having to stumble or falter a little bit so that we can recalibrate ourselves to that of the bigger picture. I understand how much it sucks for life to hurt. Trust me, and I never wish for anyone to feel any pain. The reality, though, is that we have to suffer, because that's just the nature of the world. The good thing is that we will never suffer for more than what we can handle, even when we think we're defeated for good. So, I hope that everyone can just get out there and kick some ass.

Now to the meat of this blog post!

If anyone ever comes up to me and asks me about anything career related, or what being in ministry is like, I'd tell them straight up to never go into ministry. By going into ministry, you are basically setting yourself up for a life that is, in a way, harder than if you had any other job. People that do this kind of work often don't get paid very well, work 50-60 hour weeks, and have people and other forces attacking you left and right. Burn out is also a very common result of all the work that people in ministry face. Discouragement always lingers as they can go years working their butts off without seeing any sort of fruition. Doubt might be one of the biggest effects of trying to work through issues and in determining what's best for the church. One of the biggest questions you might get from the mainstream society is, "what do you really do?" Agnostics, skeptics, all those types of people might call you fools and pathetic for trying to indoctrinate people of someone and something that may or may not even exist. It's not easy.

I don't think I chose to go into ministry. God had just lined my life up in such a way that the only option I had was to go into ministry. Now, I know I could have always done something else, don't get me wrong, but based on who I am, my personality, characteristics, experience, history, and passions, this was the most reasonable and right choice. I do believe that God has called me to do his work as a full time vocation. Again, it was not my choice to do it. Remember? I went to the UofA to study music; but God pulled me out. So, I managed to respond to and receive the call that God had for me and off I went to bible college.

When I first started, it was such a whirlwind of emotions. I will always remember how I felt when my parents and sister walked out the door after I had moved into my house in Calgary - it's indescribable. For the first time in my life, I had so much interest in the things that I was studying. I'm not anywhere near being an A student. However, all the subjects I studied fascinated me so much that I immediately pulled my overall GPA to 2.7 in my first term after finishing below 2.0 at the UofA. I also began to make sense of everything I had taken for granted as someone who grew up in the church with all the bible stories and what not. Being in school for ministry made sense. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had a purpose.

After my first year, though, things turned in a hurry. My passion died. I was challenged. The honeymoon period was over, and I had to face the realities of having too much of a mountain top experience. I no longer cared about my marks. In fact, for my entire second year, I had only looked at my marks recently. That's right. I finished my entire second year without knowing what my grades were and where my GPA stood. Dangerous, I know. I remember the disappointment I had when I found out I didn't receive any of the scholarships I applied for. At that point, I was wondering, "what the hell am I even doing this for?" I got by with bare minimum. I didn't care if I had a D or an A; as long as I had passed, that's all that mattered. I caved inward. I no longer desired to see anyone, talk to any people, go out to do anything. This was where I began to attack God.

I was furious and relentless in my lashing out against God because I had no idea what was going on. I wanted to give up, move home and just sit there all day. There was no will or desire to even acknowledge God anymore. All of my understanding in life up to that point had been shattered and washed away. Now that I think about it, I can't even fathom how dark a place I was in during that time. Honestly. It's scary.

Halfway through my third year now, I'll say that things have been better; or at least that's what I tell people. And I think it has been better. God has shown me that he still cares for me; he's let me know that watching me go through all that pain had hurt him as much as, maybe even more than, it had hurt me. I'm not sure what I've learned from that experience just yet. Therefore, I'm still partly skeptical about a lot of things right now. I'm still not in the best spot with where my heart is, and that's just as it is with the residue that still lingers. It's selfish, but I've asked God to show up in a very big way for me this year in order to "win me back." Winning me back doesn't mean that I had left, it just means that I want to get back to where I was before I fell so hard on my face.

Here's the thing, though: if I do manage to get back to that blissful state that I was at, is that just setting myself up for another huge fall again? Is it even worth it? Because, to me, it seems the down time is so much longer and the pain hurts so much more than the joy feels that I don't even know if it's worth it. On the flip side of the coin though, do I just want to live a boring and steady life with little to no ups and downs? That would be very boring. Either way, what I've seen and experience since receiving this calling from God has opened my eyes to many things.

Even with the unfortunate things that have happened to me, my heart still burns for the church. And that is why I'm going to stay in ministry. I want so badly for people to not have to be in the dark places that I've been in; but when they get there, I want to help them through it. Am I willing to sacrifice myself to help people? Meaning, I'd get hurt by trying to help fight the spiritual battles for people? I don't know. Everything just seems like such a mess, like nothing is ever going to be resolved. This is why I would tell people to never go into ministry, unless they should.

One final thing. I really cannot handle living like this anymore. I cannot stand having to leave my family and friends for extended amounts of time just so I can "go to school." It's so pathetic the amount of depression I face when I am nearing the time for departure again. I just refuse to keep living this way if I have to go through so many withdrawals that affect the way I behave. I think that literally every single time I've come back to Edmonton, and with a few days left until I have to head back down to Calgary, I feel this sickness deep within me about having to accept the fact that I need to leave. But, life goes on, so what do I know?

I think it's really important to remind people that just because I'm in bible college, it does not mean I'm a stronger Christian or have a higher place with God. I actually kind of laugh at people who might think that. People will never know the kind of spiritual battles we have to face, just like how I would never know the stresses of a surgeon that's trying to save someone's life.

As of now, though, I am still here. I still wonder why God does the things he does. I still fight back when I feel uncomfortable doing something I don't want to do. I still hesitate to tell people I'm in ministry. I'm 21; it still seems pretty young, but I think I've been through enough to say that at this point in my life, I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing.

My only solution: just keep showing up.