Rear View Mirror

Looking back at an entire year is just like looking at the rear view mirror: you can see best only what has recently passed. So looking back at 2012 will probably be pretty much that.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this reflection. I've learned a lot this year. I think that, if anything, I have a much more even keeled, more leaning towards the negative side, outlook on things now.

Before I wrote this post, I went back to read all the "New Years posts" that I've written in this blog. A brief conclusion that I came up with in regards to those posts and relating it to how new years are started is this: we can't start any year "fresh." It seems like I've tried to start every year with some kind of new mindset or some kind of way to renew things. Quite honestly, though, every new mindset or attitude that we have toward anything is not really new. All we lay out for a new year is an extension of the residue left over from how the previous year ended. So, in that sense, this just puts life into a 12 month cycle because that's the calendar that most of us have adopted. We try to look back to find the mistakes or the bad habits that we've continuously tried to break or correct, and then use that as some sort of motivation or incentive to go about the upcoming year - and only probably to be redoing it again the year after.

Anyways, if I remember right, I think one thing I really wanted to do throughout various times in 2012 was to gain in my maturity. There are always times that I've been able to draw out that aspect of me to handle certain situations; but I think that if anyone knew me, they'd know I'm a big goof ball dork that is still a five year old at heart. Trying to be more mature has made me even more of a reserved person than I already am. I think that, as most people do, the continuous pursuit of trying to find our own unique identities in life lead us down some strange paths that affect us in some really strange ways. Maturity, for me, has been one of those things that just kind of seems to have its own control on me. Sometimes I can see things the way I should, and others, well, I couldn't crawl into a bigger hole.

For anyone that has any decency, and I throw that term around pretty loosely, they'd probably always look to improve on things that they feel are not up to a particular standard. There's always going to be some line that we have to draw in determining where we stop when we try to find things that we need to change for us to become better people versus trying to be something or someone we are not. Much of this past year has been exactly this for me. 2012 was so much of a rebound year that I needed to redefine a lot of things in my life. I'm not going to lie, I struggled with a lot of it. I've learned, though, that it really doesn't need to be so difficult. If I am able to focus on God and find myself in him, everything else just comes with it.

So, then, the issue for me, I think, has been allowing myself to let go of who I am. Because I had such a difficult finish to 2011, I think all my barriers went up; and doing so, it knocked off all the foundation I had previously built myself upon. I forgot everything that I stood for, and I didn't know which ways to turn for any sense of security. Therefore, 2012 became the year where I needed to start all over again from the ground up. I think that I spent the first half of the year picking up all the broken pieces; and since then, I've been able to work on building up the foundation once again.

Because people usually do this, and I might as well jump on the bandwagon, my top memory of 2012 was probably summer camp. I don't think I need to go into much detail if you were there. The unfortunate thing with this, though, is that we all seemed to have just left summer camp at summer camp, myself included. I still haven't seen how that weekend has influenced or affected my day-to-day life in any way. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't allowed it to, or that I just don't know how it could or should affect me, but it almost seems like it was just a time where I was to experience the presence of God and his power. All in all, I think I'm okay with that.

I'm not sure that I can remember any lowest point in the year. I think the thing that's been constantly dragging me down is the different yearnings and longings that I've had. For a majority of the time, I probably can't even explain these longings to anyone if I tried. Spiritually, I've been so desperately longing for fulfillment of different things. It kind of explains the stupid heaven, eternity, timelessness trip that I've been on throughout the year. I keep wanting this current state of life to end so we don't have to go through any of the pains anymore. All the different stresses in life, with school, work, relationships, personal growth, all that kind of stuff often make me just want to end it all so they don't have to bother me anymore. As much as what I just said probably sounded like some suicidal thing, don't worry, I'm not suicidal. LOL. It just means that I'm really feeling the effects of longings for things that are beyond the human realm and all that kind of other stuff - things that are fulfilled when Jesus returns.

Anyways, long post, so I'm going to try to wrap it up soon. With 2013 now a day old, I'm honestly not sure about what I want out of it. I'm probably a bit scared, anxious, excited, and reluctant about the year. There's going to be some big things happening this year for me, and I just pray to God that things work out to the best possible scenario. From finishing my third year, to my internship, and ultimately arriving at the shore of my last semester before graduation, there's potential for this year to launch me straight up toward the stars, or bury me alive under the deepest oceans. So, as you can see, there's just too much anxiety and I don't even know how I will handle it. Of course, nearing graduation means closing the book on another major accomplishment in life and opening another to the part where I actually begin to live and work and maybe even start a family if I'm lucky enough.

This is all yours, God.

Dang, I have a big mirror.