Pondering

One of the biggest things I hate about myself is that I hate saying goodbye, so I almost never say it because there's always hopes that you will see them again in the future.

The thing that has struck me most about these soccer camps that I've been doing is that, a) they are a week long - any kind of relationship we develop with anyone cannot possibly last that long; and b) is there anything more than just simply "planting the seed" that we keep talking about?

As for the relationships, it just frustrates me that anytime I feel like I'm really starting to connect with someone, we have to leave. Sure we can do the whole Facebook thing and "stay connected" or "reconnect", but I still find that it's challenging especially when it comes to kids that don't have Facebook. We're supposed to be role models and good examples to these kids and volunteers; but how much can one week really do? I know that we also talk about how we're not going to see results right away. But for any parent or anyone that's been in the mentoring position before, don't you think that you'll want to be there when your child graduates, or when your pupil surpasses the master? I sure has heck would want to be there. Instead, we're told that we have to leave it in the hands of the church and the community to continue watering and growing these seeds that we place in the kids lives. To me, it's not good enough. Why? Because I am forced to put my faith into other people to develop my relationship with a kid that they did not create. And of course, we have to trust that God is going to use these one week camps to influence childrens' lives someway and somehow.

I don't know about you, but I personally want to develop my own relationships with people and not have others do it for me. It only seems like the logical thing to do, don't you think? So as we plant these seeds into the kids' lives with our words and our actions, it seems that we're missing a glaring detail. While we're "planting" these seeds, we're growing a special bond with certain kids. So to use an example, if I plant a seed in the garden, wouldn't it only make sense that I would want to be the one that waters it and nourish it and watch it grow? Maybe I need to change my mindset, or maybe I've just found my true calling. Because if it were up to me, I'd want to spend all the time in the world with those that I've created a special bond with. I don't like this whole "you have one week to plant as many seeds as you can and then move on to the next camp to do the same" type of system. Obviously, we're not purely a numbers driven motif, but given what we have to work with, it's hard to do anything more - if you know what I'm saying.

All it really means though is that I just have a hard time letting go. And if so, it really shouldn't be coming as a surprise to anyone because that's me. Maybe it's just me, but I actually value the relationships that I have with other people that God has blessed me with.

If working for AIA has taught me anything, this would be what I learned. Don't get me wrong, I am having a blast. Everything has gone better than I could ever imagine it to be as far as the traveling and the camps go. It's just that when I think about the mark that I leave, or the impression that I give, one week just doesn't do enough.

Don't get me wrong. It's just that I got pushed over the edge a little bit when for the second time in my life today, I was told that I'm going to be missed by a child that I got to spend quality time with. It's not that I was told that I'll be missed for a second time; it is that I was told that I'll be missed, but for the second time, I didn't know what to respond with because I have no idea that I'll ever see them again.

Is it wrong to think that the relationships I make are intended to be lifelong? I wouldn't think so. If it is wrong, then you are in desperate need to learn about God's intentions from the beginning. I don't know, I just hate that I know that there's a possibility for me to not be able to follow through on a lot of people's wishes.

Just my pondering for the night.