So, as I sit in front of the computer pondering options for what I can do today, I was thinking about school, and that if I was not to take this semester off completely, I'd be starting today with everyone else. But, in an attempt to try to lighten things up a little bit, for myself and anyone dreading school, I'm going to write a guide on teaching you how to avoid school and be a bum!
Most people should be either finished their first class, or close to it. By this time, you're either really excited to see what kind of attractive people are in your next class, hoping your professor isn't a lame one that is a little too friendly, or the one I'm usually thinking about, lunch and home time.
**Disclaimer** I'm not responsible for any offenses or injuries caused by any stereotypical remarks that you may or may not read by accident or on purpose. Please do not take them seriously, as I am only failing in my attempt to be funny; so, instead, giving a little chuckle while reading through the guide would be much appreciated!
This guide, for dummies, is designed to aid you in becoming a bum in five simple steps! If you follow them closely, you'll be out of school and being a bum within a year, give or take a few parent spankings.
Step Won --
This is the all important first step that is so key to your success in becoming a bum. Since the new school year just began, it's probably easiest to start now. You must find absolute dissatisfaction with what you're doing right now. Whatever you might be studying, or doing, you must find a way to think to yourself, that "this really isn't my thing. Sure I can listen to what mom and dad say, and become whatever they want me to become, but I feel there is a greater calling from within myself to tell me that I really don't want to be cutting people open when I faint at the sight of blood." After you cast doubt into your own mind about the direction you're heading in life, you're off to a great start, because doubt is like a torpedo: it waits for the perfect time, and it explodes on everything you are and can even put you into slight depression.
I called this "step won", simply because once you've accomplished this step, you've pretty much won already. Becoming a bum is now that much easier.
For reference's sake, let me give you an example on how "step won" may come to be -- It's September, and you're starting your first year of university. Why? Just because you've finished high school and it seems to be what the cool kids are doing. When you applied for university, you had absolutely no idea what you wanted to have accomplished when you came out of it, so going with the most logical thing that relates to your passion, let's say music, makes the most sense. After two weeks of school, you suddenly realize to yourself on the way home: I really don't want to be here, what the heck am I doing? Music isn't your thing. Well, it's your passion, but it isn't the RIGHT thing. Congrats! You've accomplished the first step, give yourself a pat on the back.
Step Two --
Now that you've convinced yourself that you don't like what you're doing and want to pursue other paths, a lot of what comes next just falls into place. Since school has just started when you began your trek to becoming a bum, you have some time and flexibility to doing this next step. Depending on where you are now in the school year, you've got to find a way to cover for yourself. What does that mean? In one simple phrase, it is this: slowly drop out of school. You don't like what you're doing, so why bother staying in all the classes that you're barely passing? *Exception* the only exception for not dropping out is if you have passed the drop out deadline date, meaning you don't get your damn money back if you withdraw from the class. Now, you have to be careful here, you don't want to drop everything at once, or else people will be onto you faster than you can drop the Niagra Falls when you've eaten some moldy sandwich for lunch. You have to make dropping out very subtle. When people ask you how your classes are going, you can't come out and directly tell them you're dropping out of school class by class. You've got to beat around the bush as best you can and drop a few hints here and there telling that you are trying to drop out because you want to become a bum.
You've decided you don't want to stay in the music program, but you're not quite sure of what you want yet, so you start planning for your early dismissal of this prison they call university. Skipping classes and using the excuse of playing games is a good way to start. However, it doesn't quite do what you want it to do, so you decide to stretch it out a bit and withdraw from your Psych 105 class. That class is boring as hell anyway, so may as well save you some torcher from having to listen to some Australian dude with a Chinese name that thinks he's "da bomb". So, to put emphasis on and abuse of the term "dropping out of school", you decide that you will not return to your old and stinky university the next semester.
Step Three --
This is the most important step in becoming a temporary, or forever, bum. I may have mentioned that "step won" is the most important, but I lied. And since you've made it this far in reading my awesome guide, you deserve to know that. This step is also optional, by the way. To avoid making yourself look like some idiot loser that just wants to drop school, you need to find the real plan right about now. Remember in "step won", how you thought to yourself that there is some greater calling for you instead of the crappy program you're doing? Well, now is the time for you to shine. You need to pretty much separate yourself from almost all of mankind and society to try to rip out your heart and ask it some questions about where you want to go and who you want to be. Yeah, that's right, this is where it gets deep. If you can't handle the pressure and being on the ocean floor, I totally understand why you chose to skip this step. However, it is all vital that this step is completed with flying colors so that you don't embarrass yourself and dig yourself into a craphole when you've officially become a bum and asked why you've become one.
Music didn't work out. Your heart has been screaming at you for about half year to go to Bible college and become a pastor. But since the soundwaves don't travel too well inside your body, those screams from your heart have pretty much turned to whispers. So, with confirmation from other fellow parasites*, you've finally found your one true path. It's not the prettiest sight to see for an eighteen year old kid, but it's been decided that this is where life wants to take you.
*Refer to Agent Smith, top agent in the Matrix series, and his view on what humans really are.
Step four on the floor --
Have you ever tried to sell something? No? Well, now's your chance. In order to sell something, you're going to want to make people buy it. In order for people to want to buy it, you have to sell it good. Now that you have your destination, you'll need a declaration, a proclamation, to tell people why it is that you want to do what you want to do. You need to informally compose a non-fictional story that allows you to sell your position. I know, for a fact, that throughout some point in your school life, you've tried to be a businessman or woman. Do you remember, back in elementary, when you tried to rip your friend off by "selling" some cheap ripoff that you have by trading it for something that is "lower" value that they possess? Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about fake Pokemon cards. Once you've marketed up your proposition, you will be well on your way to your destination of being a successful bum, because people now know where you're going and why you would become a bum, if you do succeed.
You've decided you want to become a pastor. Generally, your parents are the first people you tell about this evil scheme that you have of becoming a pastor. Let me warn you now, the parents are not ones that you should try to sell your fake Pokemon cards to. Your parents deserve the 100% legit story to why you want to become a pastor. But aside from your parents, feel free to tell, or not tell, anyone else information about your hopes and dreams. You decide to tell anyone who asks about your future, because they care enough about you to wonder. Okay, that seems fair game for now.
Step Five --
Uh oh. Hey Nate Dawg, I've decided, I think your guide is awesomely awesome, but I don't really want to be a bum anymore. I tell you this: hey man, don't worry about it. You can still carry on without having to be a bum, because this last step is really the only step you needed to accomplish to become a bum. If you no longer desire to be a bum, just skip out on this last step and continue to live high. You've decided that it is a good time to work right now, because summer is four months long for university and two months long for grade school, so it's generally what people do within this time frame. There will always be those who choose not to work when given the opportunity; those people, I must say, are almost natural bums! Bums of the world, unite! However, just because working is not in the hizzle during the summer, doesn't make you a bum. When September rolls around again, people will start crowding the market place and begin purchases of overly priced school supplies because they weren't Asian enough to plan ahead of time and by more of what you needed when the REAL deals were there six years ago. So, in all this madness, all you've got to do is keep cool, sit back, and relax a - just a little bit.
School has now begun, and you're sitting at home with no job because you decided to follow this incredible guide to being a bum. Congratulations! You've officially become a bum! You now have options to what kind of level of a bum you want to be. Of course, you can attempt to get a part time job, because bumming at home sucks: this is the lowest level of a bum. You can volunteer and get a part time job! If you want to be a superbum, go buy yourself a PlayStation and all the Final Fantasy games and Twisted Metal 4, and play your heart out. I am a man of inspiration, I love the whole concept of inspiring. So, my favorite option is that you can sit in front of the computer on the morning when everyone goes back to school, and write a guide to becoming a bum. And then, you can go play your Twisted Metal 4.
Throughout the extended four months of university summer, you've been told time and time again to get a job. Not for the lack of trying, you haven't been able to find one. One reason is that it's really hard to find a job nowadays, so that's been a pretty big setback. You're now sitting in front of a computer on the first day of school writing a guide to becoming a bum that was fueled by inspiration. You're broke, you have no money to move to Calgary to attend Bible college, and you lack life experience. So, the best plan is to become a lowleveled bum. However, life doesn't always give you lemonade for the lemons you order, so finding a full-time job has been difficult, thus bumping you up to a superbum. But nonetheless, your goal of becoming a bum has been reached, so you will continue to carry on and chase pavements. Bible college is still a year away, so there is still time to downgrade into becoming a lowleveled bum.
And that's a wrap to my guide to becoming a bum in five simple steps. I hope I've provided a little bit of entertainment for anyone that isn't so fond of going back to school. In case you haven't noticed, you now know how my first year and summer of university went, and what my plans are for the future.
This guide was completed in: one hour, nineteen minutes.
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