Looking back at an entire year is just like looking at the rear view mirror: you can see best only what has recently passed. So looking back at 2012 will probably be pretty much that.
I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this reflection. I've learned a lot this year. I think that, if anything, I have a much more even keeled, more leaning towards the negative side, outlook on things now.
Before I wrote this post, I went back to read all the "New Years posts" that I've written in this blog. A brief conclusion that I came up with in regards to those posts and relating it to how new years are started is this: we can't start any year "fresh." It seems like I've tried to start every year with some kind of new mindset or some kind of way to renew things. Quite honestly, though, every new mindset or attitude that we have toward anything is not really new. All we lay out for a new year is an extension of the residue left over from how the previous year ended. So, in that sense, this just puts life into a 12 month cycle because that's the calendar that most of us have adopted. We try to look back to find the mistakes or the bad habits that we've continuously tried to break or correct, and then use that as some sort of motivation or incentive to go about the upcoming year - and only probably to be redoing it again the year after.
Anyways, if I remember right, I think one thing I really wanted to do throughout various times in 2012 was to gain in my maturity. There are always times that I've been able to draw out that aspect of me to handle certain situations; but I think that if anyone knew me, they'd know I'm a big goof ball dork that is still a five year old at heart. Trying to be more mature has made me even more of a reserved person than I already am. I think that, as most people do, the continuous pursuit of trying to find our own unique identities in life lead us down some strange paths that affect us in some really strange ways. Maturity, for me, has been one of those things that just kind of seems to have its own control on me. Sometimes I can see things the way I should, and others, well, I couldn't crawl into a bigger hole.
For anyone that has any decency, and I throw that term around pretty loosely, they'd probably always look to improve on things that they feel are not up to a particular standard. There's always going to be some line that we have to draw in determining where we stop when we try to find things that we need to change for us to become better people versus trying to be something or someone we are not. Much of this past year has been exactly this for me. 2012 was so much of a rebound year that I needed to redefine a lot of things in my life. I'm not going to lie, I struggled with a lot of it. I've learned, though, that it really doesn't need to be so difficult. If I am able to focus on God and find myself in him, everything else just comes with it.
So, then, the issue for me, I think, has been allowing myself to let go of who I am. Because I had such a difficult finish to 2011, I think all my barriers went up; and doing so, it knocked off all the foundation I had previously built myself upon. I forgot everything that I stood for, and I didn't know which ways to turn for any sense of security. Therefore, 2012 became the year where I needed to start all over again from the ground up. I think that I spent the first half of the year picking up all the broken pieces; and since then, I've been able to work on building up the foundation once again.
Because people usually do this, and I might as well jump on the bandwagon, my top memory of 2012 was probably summer camp. I don't think I need to go into much detail if you were there. The unfortunate thing with this, though, is that we all seemed to have just left summer camp at summer camp, myself included. I still haven't seen how that weekend has influenced or affected my day-to-day life in any way. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't allowed it to, or that I just don't know how it could or should affect me, but it almost seems like it was just a time where I was to experience the presence of God and his power. All in all, I think I'm okay with that.
I'm not sure that I can remember any lowest point in the year. I think the thing that's been constantly dragging me down is the different yearnings and longings that I've had. For a majority of the time, I probably can't even explain these longings to anyone if I tried. Spiritually, I've been so desperately longing for fulfillment of different things. It kind of explains the stupid heaven, eternity, timelessness trip that I've been on throughout the year. I keep wanting this current state of life to end so we don't have to go through any of the pains anymore. All the different stresses in life, with school, work, relationships, personal growth, all that kind of stuff often make me just want to end it all so they don't have to bother me anymore. As much as what I just said probably sounded like some suicidal thing, don't worry, I'm not suicidal. LOL. It just means that I'm really feeling the effects of longings for things that are beyond the human realm and all that kind of other stuff - things that are fulfilled when Jesus returns.
Anyways, long post, so I'm going to try to wrap it up soon. With 2013 now a day old, I'm honestly not sure about what I want out of it. I'm probably a bit scared, anxious, excited, and reluctant about the year. There's going to be some big things happening this year for me, and I just pray to God that things work out to the best possible scenario. From finishing my third year, to my internship, and ultimately arriving at the shore of my last semester before graduation, there's potential for this year to launch me straight up toward the stars, or bury me alive under the deepest oceans. So, as you can see, there's just too much anxiety and I don't even know how I will handle it. Of course, nearing graduation means closing the book on another major accomplishment in life and opening another to the part where I actually begin to live and work and maybe even start a family if I'm lucky enough.
This is all yours, God.
Dang, I have a big mirror.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
We Are Still Here
Apparently the world was supposed to have ended already, but we are still here.
It's almost 2am, and I'm pretty tired, but I wanted to wish everyone a happy new years. Simple as that. I'm not going to try to do the whole encouragement or motivational speech type of thing because I don't think I'm good at that.
So, plainly, I just hope that this upcoming year will be one for the ages - make it legendary.
It's almost 2am, and I'm pretty tired, but I wanted to wish everyone a happy new years. Simple as that. I'm not going to try to do the whole encouragement or motivational speech type of thing because I don't think I'm good at that.
So, plainly, I just hope that this upcoming year will be one for the ages - make it legendary.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Timeless
Can I get my nerd on?
Thanks. =D
I've probably talked about this many times, but I'm going to do it again because it continues to fascinate me. I can really see how we were created to live forever, transcending time, basically. We say that time is constant: one second will always be one second. Time is a way to measure forward motion, and I think it's a pretty neat concept that we've managed to develop. But if time doesn't change, then how come there are periods where an hour feels like a minute and vice versa?
That's why I really think we were meant to not be bound by time, to live in eternity. I know it's a crazy idea to try to wrap our heads around, but I think we can experience glimpses of it on earth.
Example. If you told me, right now, that I've spent two and a half weeks at home already, I probably wouldn't believe you. I cannot explain to you how fast the last couple weeks have felt to me. I've basically lost track of time - part of trying to break into this dimension of timelessness. My entire mind, body, and spirit have seemed to enter this realm where time doesn't really exist, but at the same time does because of the reality of things. So, maybe instead of saying that my holiday has gone by too fast, I should say that this whole idea of time passing by has just kind of evaporated. Being in school and all that jazz seems so distant, like it's just a figment of my memory of something that happened some while ago. But, not only was it just a few weeks back that I was still writing and studying for finals, it kind of almost even seems like an irrelevant memory - it doesn't matter when it happened, it just did. So given my current state of existence, the only way I can really describe it, is that, I kind of just am. Time hasn't had its control on me because there haven't been any deadlines to meet, any errands to keep track of, all that kind of stuff that we usually pin some sort of time to.
This is why I love those stories that deal with time or different realms so much. Stuff like Chrono Cross, Inception, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, all that kind of stuff just blows my mind because they not only do they make you feel dumb by throwing all your presuppositions of this world out the window, but they make the understandings look real scrub. Furthermore, what I just said kind of reinforces even more the whole idea of timelessness. If we can somehow grasp these things, these unnatural phenomenon, and kind of turn them into something we can understand, then there's got to be some understanding or at least hypothetical grasps of something that exceeds anything we've ever come to know. All of our "laws" are made by these concepts to look like we're stupid and in some ways, these ideas feel even more real than what reality currently is.
Uhh, I think I may be going crazy. I think all of what I just wrote is what you call madness.. or maybe weird. Hard to believe that all of this sprouted from having an amazing week spent with my cousins for their winter holidays. I am glad that I had spent my last couple weeks the way I did, and it's given me insight into what I can expect life to be when it is fulfilled.
We really were made to transcend time and live in eternity. Just look at how the human body works and you might be able to see what I'm seeing.
Thanks. =D
I've probably talked about this many times, but I'm going to do it again because it continues to fascinate me. I can really see how we were created to live forever, transcending time, basically. We say that time is constant: one second will always be one second. Time is a way to measure forward motion, and I think it's a pretty neat concept that we've managed to develop. But if time doesn't change, then how come there are periods where an hour feels like a minute and vice versa?
That's why I really think we were meant to not be bound by time, to live in eternity. I know it's a crazy idea to try to wrap our heads around, but I think we can experience glimpses of it on earth.
Example. If you told me, right now, that I've spent two and a half weeks at home already, I probably wouldn't believe you. I cannot explain to you how fast the last couple weeks have felt to me. I've basically lost track of time - part of trying to break into this dimension of timelessness. My entire mind, body, and spirit have seemed to enter this realm where time doesn't really exist, but at the same time does because of the reality of things. So, maybe instead of saying that my holiday has gone by too fast, I should say that this whole idea of time passing by has just kind of evaporated. Being in school and all that jazz seems so distant, like it's just a figment of my memory of something that happened some while ago. But, not only was it just a few weeks back that I was still writing and studying for finals, it kind of almost even seems like an irrelevant memory - it doesn't matter when it happened, it just did. So given my current state of existence, the only way I can really describe it, is that, I kind of just am. Time hasn't had its control on me because there haven't been any deadlines to meet, any errands to keep track of, all that kind of stuff that we usually pin some sort of time to.
This is why I love those stories that deal with time or different realms so much. Stuff like Chrono Cross, Inception, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, all that kind of stuff just blows my mind because they not only do they make you feel dumb by throwing all your presuppositions of this world out the window, but they make the understandings look real scrub. Furthermore, what I just said kind of reinforces even more the whole idea of timelessness. If we can somehow grasp these things, these unnatural phenomenon, and kind of turn them into something we can understand, then there's got to be some understanding or at least hypothetical grasps of something that exceeds anything we've ever come to know. All of our "laws" are made by these concepts to look like we're stupid and in some ways, these ideas feel even more real than what reality currently is.
Uhh, I think I may be going crazy. I think all of what I just wrote is what you call madness.. or maybe weird. Hard to believe that all of this sprouted from having an amazing week spent with my cousins for their winter holidays. I am glad that I had spent my last couple weeks the way I did, and it's given me insight into what I can expect life to be when it is fulfilled.
We really were made to transcend time and live in eternity. Just look at how the human body works and you might be able to see what I'm seeing.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Just Chill
I think most students, when they enter any sort of extended break, feel some kind of angst in that they keep feeling like they need to be doing something or else they are wasting the day away. A week and a half back, I'm in that situation. I don't think I've gone to bed any night without thinking like I needed to do something productive during the day.
We talk about it all the time, and some even start to try it, but the thing is that we never actually take breaks. And when we do, they're halfassed breaks. The break consists of maybe spending an hour or two watching a TV show proceeded by some sort of cleaning or tidying. When the cleaning and tidying starts, you start to work again. Now that your body is into that motion and rhythm, the brain responds by saying you need to work. There goes the "break".
It's tough, at least I think, to go so heavy into working nonstop and then doing next to nothing for over a week. I keep feeling like, and I'm sure a lot of others do as well, I need to be doing something. Except I don't really know what I should be doing other than looking ahead to next term. I told myself that I have ~a month off, so my first two weeks will be spent doing nothing but the things that I love doing, no matter how much I feel the need to do something that is a mandatory type of thing.
So, I hope that everyone can be encouraged to take some time off just to chill and enjoy themselves and not feel guilty about it. It's Christmas season after all! Take time out for yourself and think about those chore-like tasks some other time!
Depending on whether or not I get another post out by Christmas, I'll just say is now: Merry Christmas to everyone! I hope that it's an awesome one for you and your loved ones.
We talk about it all the time, and some even start to try it, but the thing is that we never actually take breaks. And when we do, they're halfassed breaks. The break consists of maybe spending an hour or two watching a TV show proceeded by some sort of cleaning or tidying. When the cleaning and tidying starts, you start to work again. Now that your body is into that motion and rhythm, the brain responds by saying you need to work. There goes the "break".
It's tough, at least I think, to go so heavy into working nonstop and then doing next to nothing for over a week. I keep feeling like, and I'm sure a lot of others do as well, I need to be doing something. Except I don't really know what I should be doing other than looking ahead to next term. I told myself that I have ~a month off, so my first two weeks will be spent doing nothing but the things that I love doing, no matter how much I feel the need to do something that is a mandatory type of thing.
So, I hope that everyone can be encouraged to take some time off just to chill and enjoy themselves and not feel guilty about it. It's Christmas season after all! Take time out for yourself and think about those chore-like tasks some other time!
Depending on whether or not I get another post out by Christmas, I'll just say is now: Merry Christmas to everyone! I hope that it's an awesome one for you and your loved ones.
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