Searching

September and October have been two interesting months for me at my job and ministry. There's been some rollercoaster type effects that I've been feeling about several things and I've been trying to process all of it during this time.

Looking back at October, I didn't have a whole lot to do compared to the months that sandwich it. I only had to preach on one Sunday, and that was the joint Thanksgiving service.

I actually really enjoyed preaching at the joint service. Generally speaking, I haven't met too many people that like joint services. Usually, it means the service time will be longer, there needs to be translation, and it's usually some special event like a baptism or something like that. Predominantly in Chinese churches, a joint service means that it's a service in the style and format of the Chinese meeting. I know that in the last several years, many churches of the like are beginning to realize that if a Chinese church in North America is to have any real future, it will need to put resources into developing and growing the English. That's a whole different subject that I won't get into, because no matter which way you turn, you seem to be stepping on people's toes when you talk about the nature of an English congregation in a Chinese church - I would say it's almost as can-of-worm-like as talking finances in a Chinese-heavy culture. So when I look at the overall climate of Chinese churches, the ones who figured this out sooner seem to be further along the spectrum.

With that being said, I wasn't sure what to expect as I prepared my message for the service. However, God gave me a really awesome message to speak on; so I hung onto the excitement that I gained from knowing I get to tell people what I learned in preparing for the message. As it turned out, I came away really encouraged. My parents taught me to be thankful and to show that appreciation to others. So when, at the beginning of the sermon, I let everyone know what a privilege it was to speak at a joint service, it seemed like a lot of tension was lifted and the stress very much eased. It was genuine, though. I didn't just say that so the older people would give me props for being respectful. I don't remember the last time the English pastor preached at the joint service. So when I said it was an honor for me to preach, I meant it.

On the topic of preaching, I'm starting to find that maybe I'm getting more comfortable behind the pulpit. I mentioned that I am really beginning to find joy in the preparation and the giving of the sermon. People are beginning to respond more as well. I appreciate the positive feedback and "praise" that people give me for being what they think is a good preacher, but I still often feel uncomfortable accepting the compliments. I get told that I really have a natural ability as a preacher, and it's cool, but I don't know how to feel about it. Over the last year, especially, I've put in a lot of work trying to become a better preacher - almost to a point that the other areas of my ministry would suffer because of it. I've listened to countless sermons from countless pastors to try to take note of their styles and what they focus on.

The funny thing here is that while I tune into these sermons for the techniques, I'm usually left being impressed by the message itself. So that's what I really think it comes down to. You can have all the techniques, the natural abilities, or whatever else you want, but if your message has no substance of the gospel, it's not going to have a lasting effect. Preach the Word.

One of the older ladies in the congregation keeps telling me how impressed she is by my work; and it flatters me, but I think it's adorable that she thinks so highly of me to the point of over-complimenting me. She thinks I'll become a famous pastor because of how gifted I am. It's really funny, because she's a very experienced and well traveled lady; she's seen a lot of the world throughout her life, and hearing what she says to me is very nice. All I can really do is gently point her back to the work of the Lord. I beat myself up for being useless all the time, and I think a lot of it is warranted even if you think I'm just hard on myself. So it just lets me know that when people think highly of me, there really is only one reason for it.

I really hope people understand that about me. You may think I'm gifted or talented in many ways, but in my lifetime, I've rarely ever thought that about myself. Many nights I'll lay in bed asking why God grants me the ability to succeed when my work ethic's consitency is so poor and don't deserve "being in the right place at the right time", so to speak. When I get compliments and such, I know certain people will shoot a stink eye at me saying that I flaunt all my abilities so people will like me and to puff up my ego. I never wanted to be in any spotlight. In fact, I prefer being invisible. It's just funny that God has put me exactly where I don't want to be.

Even then, in some form of defense to myself, where I am "skilled" in something, I've probably put in a lot of hard work to get to the point of where I'm at. Take guitar, for instance. When I first fell in love with the instrument, I played non-stop for hours a day. I annoyed my family because of how much I'd play guitar. So I think it's only fair to acknowledge the amount of hard work that anyone puts into being good at something. So if I'm becoming an alright preacher, it's probably because I've put a lot of time into practicing and preparing.

Anyways, I've forgotten what the point of this blog post was. Haha. Skimming over all that I just wrote, it doesn't really paint a picture that I want to display, but I guess that's just part of me being transparent. I'm doing a lot of searching these days, and helping me process these thoughts through typing and analyzing can only be a good thing.