Muse About

Every now and then, I try to put myself in someone's shoes when they have to deal with me. It's funny because I don't know what people are like exactly when they think, but I like to imagine anyway.

Then, every so often I think about the education that I received. Technically, I graduated with a Bachelor of Theology, major in church ministries. When I really think about it, what does that even mean? Practically speaking, what does it mean for me to be identified with a BTh? I have no clue. When I left Ambrose, I didn't feel a whole BTh smarter than I was before I went in - that's for sure.

I continue and think about what my professors thought of me. Everyone knows that professors talk about their students to their faculty, but I don't know how much of me ever gets mentioned. I know from the chats I've had that I'm usually seen as a more timid and shy person, going about my own business quietly and never really getting too involved in class. But that's usually about it. I think it wasn't until after I took a preaching class and after I came back from my internship that my professors really started to get to know me. This is because there's no hiding from actual performance and evaluation of that performance.

To me, it makes sense that you don't really see much of me until it gets to the practical everyday life kind of environment that you can get a grasp of what I'm like around people. I've never been all that into formal schooling and education.

In some ways, I'm learning so much more now that I'm on my own than I ever would've learned in the classroom - this always seems to be the case, for some reason.

I can be preparing for a sermon or a study that requires me to read in depth into the bible; and often, I will read and discover things that make me think, "how did I not know this before?" Which, then, leads me to asking how or why my professors even passed me when my knowledge is so bad. Contrary to how I feel about schooling, I actually finished pretty well, relatively speaking. It still baffles me, though, to try to picture myself as my professor sitting there reading one of my papers.

How or why in the world do they pass me? I guess I say this because I still feel guilty that I didn't put in the best effort on my assignments and exams. So in some ways, I feel that I don't really deserve the grades that I get.

So I finally managed to look over some of my papers lately. Some of them are awfully written, and got a grade better than I would've given it.

However, I guess I do admit that if there is one trend in my papers that I do well on, it's that I seemed to manage a firm grasp on the centrality of the gospel's importance on our lives. Christ's work on the cross really was the climax of all existence. Really, the very reason anything happens is supposed to point to the cross. I understood, and continue to understand, that. I find that understanding the relevance, the centrality, and the importance of the gospel really isn't something any schooling can ever teach you; it's just something you have to realize on your own, with the help of others, and with the grace of God.

Maybe my professors saw that I grasped that, so they gave me credit. Who knows? I just like to muse about these things every once in a while.