The Verge

The disclaimer for this post is that it's going to get very personal very fast. In my last two posts, I mentioned lightly on how I've been in a hurricane of a wrestling match with God, trying to find answers and getting clear guidance in multiple aspects of my life. I think that many things that have been going on in my early months of ministry all seem to line up in some way to some thing. My pursuit, therefore, is trying to find out in what way everything is lining up and what it's lining up to; and then, ultimately, what does it mean?

I've already given you my warning, so if you don't want to read about my current though process that include unrefined thoughts and incomplete findings, you can close the browser or click to a different webpage. I know that a lot of things I'm going to say could make no sense or be outright wrong, but I think it's important for me to collect everything together like this. I have other outlets to do something like this, but I'm going to choose to blog because it's purely about me and my perspective of my life and ministry. And besides, this side of my life isn't exactly secret; I'm very open about where I am and how people can support me if they so choose. Some of you are curious beyond just the surface happenings of life in Vancouver, so this will reveal a lot of what's going on with me. Here we go.

The two biggest desires in my heart as of the start of 2015 are, A) how I can be the pastor that God wants me to be; and, B) the search for a spouse.

I think I've had to, on multiple occasions, be reminded that being a pastor and serving a church really isn't about what I want or what I expect a church to be like. I am trying so hard to surrender all the presuppositions and all the stereotypes that I've brought in from my previous experiences so that I can look at the task in front of me with fresh eyes and with as little bias as possible. It proves difficult when I take the seemingly God-given vision that I have for the church with the resources I appear to have. This isn't a shot at a lack of resources; it is more of finding it extremely difficult to get this church to where that vision God has given me is. Already as a brand new pastor, I'm going to be looking at things with a more rose-colored pair of glasses than many more experienced pastors will. While I don't think this is bad, running too fast may cause me to run out of steam before I get anywhere of significance.

So I want so bad to be able to shape my life in a way that represents a good Christian and good pastor. Titus 2 encourages us to live such good lives modeling what God wants us to be so that people can't say anything bad about us. The flaw in my thinking here is that my attention ends up being on my own image, and that is not what I want at all. I'm trying to find ways to feed myself, ways to help me grow, so I end up looking to so many different resources and listening to so many different voices, that I just end up being confused and somewhat frustrated. It's almost like if I want to try skydiving; with my parachute and harness on, ready to take in the amazing view, everytime I try to jump, something tells me "don't." And when I try to find someone or something to speak into my life in this aspect, I get confused if the desires in my heart are really that of God or of myself - meaning, do I really want to dive out into the sky because it's an incredible experience or am I just dumb?

Moving on, one of the hurdles I've run into with my ministry and own personal life is the need for a spouse. Okay. I've jokingly talked about the external pressure from people about me finding that wonderful partner that will come into my life, and it's still there. After the new year started though, whether or not that external pressure factors into it at all, I've grown a tremendous desire to actively find a spouse. There is a cohesion here with my ministry and personal life. I've discovered that there is no way I'm going to be able to minister to the girls of my congregation the same way a strong female can. I can try, and with a complete sense of genuinity, I do, but it isn't the same as having a girl-to-girl. Maybe there is a strong female leader in my congregation somewhere that I haven't found yet that can take care of that side for me, but I think there's something more when it comes from "the pastor's wife" as opposed to just another female in the church. I could be totally wrong here, and I think I am in some ways. But I think I've come to the point in my life where I think having a spouse will benefit me, and vice versa, to be able to have someone by my side to support me in whatever way necessary.

It was brought up to me once, and I keep going back to it, about how man was not created to be alone. So, to Adam, God brought Eve. I'm always wondering if this will be the case for me. There's no way, and again I could be wrong here, for me to be able to go out and nurture a relationship with enough people to entertain someone as a spouse given the fact that I'm so invested into my job. This is usually where I get quite discouraged. I find it hard to think such a case could happen. I'm able to continue following and being obedient to my call as I am, but I do think that having a spouse would complement my life and ministry and add a completely different dimension to the way I perceive everything to be.

For the first few weeks, I was so embarrassed to seem to have been so stressed about this new found "burden." Now that I think about it though, what's the point of being embarrased? It's not weird to have a desire to get married. In fact, it's quite the privilege to be able to join lives with a partner. I think that the more I hide the fact I'm looking for a spouse, the more awkward it becomes when it gets brought up. I've become more and more straightforward as a person in the last year or so, so this makes perfect sense that I don't see an issue with the way I'm approaching it. Obviously I'm not going to be obnoxious about it, but if it gets mentioned or talked about, I'm not going to deny anything.

Finally, what seems to have brought everything together has been my recent discovery and revisitation of the spiritual gifts. Thanks to Ps Rich and Jon of Five Stones Church, I've been completely consumed by a hunger to want to know more about the gift of prophecy. This topic is a subject for a different blog post, so I won't talk about it. But through exploring this gift and revisiting some of the ways that people ministered to each other in the early church, I have been encouraged by both Rich and Jon in the avenue of prophecy to know that these rumblings I've been having aren't out of the blue, and that God is doing something within me. Many nights, I've been on the verge of meltdowns and tears because I feel a million puzzle pieces being dumped on top of me, not knowing how to put them together. And what they have helped me with is a sense of revelation in seeing what the completed puzzle is supposed to be. So from knowing that, I can begin to take each piece and see how they need to fit together to create the finished product.

All in all, I'm still utterly confused, constantly asking "what does this mean?" This isn't to say I'm having a rough time, though. In fact, I have never felt so much joy in pursuing what God is doing and how my life is unfolding. My hunger and thirst for God is probably at an all time high right now. I'm so excited that I get to spend the upcoming months seeking answers and seeing where this leads me as a person and as a pastor.

So this has been what's kept me up at night in the last two months. The passion and fire is only growing bigger and stronger. I want so badly for God to unveil just what it is he's been burning up inside of me.