If These Wings Could Fly

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." - Wayne Gretzky

Yes, I'm going to open with a cliche, cheesy quote that everyone knows and yet always seems to get wrong.

People always tell me how they are so excited for me and how where my life is going would be fun or amazing. While I don't necessarily disagree, I always let my timidness get the best of me. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this (probably have, given that I lack a filter sometimes), but everytime I've left home, beginning with my internship to UrbanPromise back in 2008, I've been depressed the week leading up to leaving, and the week after leaving. So, yes, everytime I've had to leave for Calgary, when I left each week during AIA, when I left for Saskatchewan, I've had extreme difficulties dealing with my emotions. Over time, I've learned, not by choice, to hide it all inside. It's not anxiety, though there is some of it, that gets the best of me, I think it's just that people are usually scared of uncertainty and I'm no different. I like being comfortable and being in a place where I can let down my guard - who doesn't?

Therefore, I apologize for the overall negative and sad tone of this blog post.

This past week, I've had trouble sleeping again; and even when I did sleep, my dreams were so vivid and so strange that I would wake up feeling like I didn't sleep at all and very confused as to what my dreams were even about. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but there's no turning back now. On top of this, I've been second guessing my decision to move to Vancouver literally every day. I don't try to, but I always find myself asking why I couldn't just find a church in Edmonton and explore the church that caught my attention here. The voices tell me that, yeah, I should've just found a church in Edmonton, NEAC even, and then I could do my thing all while being able to be at home and being close to my friends and family. And while I agree that I could've taken this "easy way out," it's not what will grow me the most. I would love to come back to Edmonton to be a pastor in the future, just not now.

Tomorrow, I say farewell to the place I call home. I've mentioned that I never really found Calgary to be home; and Saskatchewan got close, but I wasn't there long enough. Edmonton raised me and I'm who I am today because of this city and the people I've known. This city is, and probably always will be, home for me. I'm not sure how long into my new life in ministry it will take for me to be comfortable to call wherever I'm at "home," so it'll be interesting to see where this goes.

To all my friends and family, thank you.

I love each and everyone of you more than you know and I'm so grateful that I've had the honor to know you in my lifetime. I'm probably the worst person when it comes to describing and showing appreciation because I've always been shy. Every night, I wonder to myself why God has chosen me, in many regards, to be so blessed and filled with an abundance. I see so many of the people I care about that are seemingly so much less fortunate than I am and ask God, why can't they have what I have? I am no more deserving than anyone with anything that God has given me, but I know that he loves each one of us the same and nothing could ever change that. There are people far more capable than I am, and I do often wish for these people to be doing what I'm doing instead of me. However, we're all called to fulfill God's will in our own unique way, and no matter how I feel at the end of the day, I am thankful that this is the path I have.

Even though I leave, this is not goodbye. I would love, more than anything, for you to come visit me in Vancouver if you have the chance. I made it to this point of my life because of you, and I still need you to help me move forward. Without you, my friends and family, I am nothing.

So here we are. As life goes on for everyone, I begin a new one. To answer your questions of my impression on this move: yes, I am beyond scared. But underneath that fear, there is an ocean of excitement, determination, and feeling of adventure.

I attended a chapel service at school a couple years back, we had a guest speaker. I remember his challenge to us: when given two choices, pick the harder path. I have no idea why, but that challenge has stuck with me and is now paying dividends. I've picked this church, where the task for me to take this church to where God wants it to go is overwhelming. But if these wings do indeed fly, it will be purely because of God's grace. I've picked the hard road because I know that it will challenge me even further to place my faith in God, trusting that he will deliver and change lives. Everything that I might be able to accomplish will be because of God's strength, not mine.

There you have it, my final thoughts before taking off tomorrow evening. Thank you to everyone in what you've done for me in my life. As I go to this new place, I am representing you in what you've made me into and the place that I am from, and I hope I do you proud.

~ Hope to see you soon.

EDIT: By the way, if you are a regular on my blog, I'm slowly pulling back from my social media. Not to say that I'm on the Facebook or Twitter all day long, but I've started for about a month to retract the amount I put up on these social sites. As of now, I'll probably stick to updating on this blog and on Facebook. You'll still likely see the odd picture on Instagram, but other than that, I'm removing myself from the internet to focus my attention more on the real life interactions. Thanks.