Prelude: I Made It - Part One

I don't know what kind of reactions I will get from this, if any at all. I don't know what this will amount to. Maybe all it becomes is data on the internet. Maybe it becomes a story of inspiration to someone. I don't know. But I've been feeling the need to tell a bit of my story, to get it off my chest. Call me an attention whore, call it self-pity, call it whatever. Maybe you won't even get passed the first paragraph. Maybe you'll refer back to it regularly. I don't know. I've never told my story in its entirety, so maybe I'll give it a try.

Here goes nothing.

This feels different. All of it. But, I guess when you think about it, it's supposed to be different; if it isn't different, then maybe that'd be a real cause for concern. I'm sitting here and wondering, have you ever bought a plane ticket with no return flight? Or maybe just any sort of one way pass with nothing that will bring you back after you've used it. I don't know. I think that this is the feeling that I'm getting, but it's all new to me.

I've been so blessed to have lived such an easy life for almost 20 years. When you can go through 20 years without having one day where there was a real fear of losing your life, I'd have to say that you are quite privileged. I can proudly say that there could not have been a whole lot of other bodies for God to put my soul into that would have been better. School was easy, I was musical, I was coordinated, I was liked by a lot of people, I had great people around me. As a kid, a lot of people often believe that nothing could ever stop them from being anything they wanted to be, or doing whatever they wanted to do. Unfortunately, the media and other sources of influence try to teach kids about this mentality - and I was one who, whether I knew it or not, was under the spell. Even if the influence is meant for good intentions, not everything works out the way they're supposed to. And as you probably could've guessed, the higher you are, the harder you fall.

In my case, I think life progressed gradually instead of having one hardcore and intense moment. God probably knew that I'm a slow learner, which is ironic to the fact that I tend to be able to pick things up relatively quickly; but when it comes to life, I need a lot of help - let's just leave it at that. With things being so easy for the early stages of my life, it was only a matter of time before things started to turn. As the law of averages state: what goes around, comes around. And it makes absolute sense too. If you're good at something, you rarely have to really give an effort. But depending on how good you are, or wherever your threshold is, there eventually comes a time when you being good at something can only take you so far, and then you have to put in the effort to get to that next step. So, without ever having to try, how do you possibly break a habit that is built into your reflexes? It's quite sad to say that this is exactly what happened to me.

A lot of things played into making me the person that I am today. I never needed to study a lot in school to get by. My habits carried over into junior high, and onto high school. The thing I started to notice was that my marks started to drop; and I had no idea why. At about this same time, some other things started to fail on me. Dominating so badly in piano competitions when I was younger against some average to decent players made everything seem like cake walk. But when I got a new teacher, I was opened up to a whole new world of "talent". To give a comparison, I have never escaped my elementary talent shows without a medal - about half of my medals are gold. After switching, I haven't won anything; call it bad luck, but there were a couple times where it seemed I should've won based on popular demand, but still came out losing to someone. Aside from school and piano taking its toll on me, there had also been some other things going on in my life that just chewed away at my confidence. It kind of embarrasses me to be talking about this, but I think it's had a big enough impact on me for it to be mentioned. When you like someone, two things happen: the world shrinks by a large margin, and the center of the world isn't the sun anymore. You try to do everything in your power to make that person happy. When it works, there is next to no better feeling; when it doesn't, you can't dig yourself into a deeper hole. For me, it barely ever worked. I can honestly say that I've only had real feelings a couple times. And to this day, I still wish I could go back to change some of the things that happened.

At about the halfway point in grade 12, I think that it might have been the lowest point in my life. I usually don't like to let my personal life affect my friends and family, because I don't like having people worrying about me. Of course, I later come to realize that the very reason why people are in your lives are because they're there to help you through the journey. But it's funny how God works. I think everything that I've talked about so far seemed to be pretty crazy depressing (and if you stuck with me, I'm glad).

For me, it wasn't about learning about God sending Jesus to save my sins. It wasn't about realizing that I've done wrong and need forgiveness. Though these things are all true, it wasn't the defining point in my life, like it might have been for someone else that didn't know about God's grace until they've lived for some time. For me, it was realizing how much I needed God even though I go to church every Sunday, or attending fellowship every Saturday. By taking away everything I had going for me, in my life, God left one thing with me when it seemed like I was done for. His love. When the buildings collapse and when the earth shatters, one thing is always left standing at the end. This is basically what brought me to where I am now. Every accomplishment brings new challenges, and that's what I'm doing every single day of my life.

Somewhere along realizing myself, God began calling me into ministry. As I was still new to my changed self, I didn't know all the perks of having God run my life. During the first little while of university, I started asking myself why the heck am I doing something I have a strong dislike for. There was a reason for why I had quit piano, but now I find myself back studying that same type of music. It was just a complete clash of different styles, and it didn't work for me. Throughout the whole process, God kept saying to me that I should devote to becoming a full time minister. And because I was completely ignorant, I had no idea that what I got during my prayers wasn't just my imagination, and that it was actually God's call. Trying to describe it now is really strange, because it is impossible to tell you what it was like exactly. Even after I had figured out that I wasn't crazy, I needed proof. I needed something solid, something with definition to show me that I'm still sane. And for once in my life, everything fell into place. I remembered things that I can't say I really remembered, or tried to remember. But it seemed that everything that had entered my ears during my down time, whether at church or at home, was meant for me. It was like a million different puzzle pieces just forming themselves to something more definitive. Even then, I wasn't the most sure. However, when I started broadcasting this idea, the support that I had was so incredible that it blew my mind. I never really thought that I was really close with anyone, or that there were people who would care about me enough to think about me and wish me well; but, boy, was I wrong. It was then, that I knew that God was for real; there was no way I could turn down God if he wants me to serve him for the rest of my life.

I still think a lot of people don't realize what it means to be chosen by God to be His people. It is a different topic, so I will try not to get into too many details. If you are the one single dress chosen by the princess of the universe to wear, wouldn't you feel so honored? I know that's lame and cheesy, but it works.

So when it gets to the point of where I am right now, leaving for Bible college, again, feels very different. As hard as it is to leave my family behind, to leave my friends behind, to leave home behind, and to leave familiarity behind, this is the right decision for me. To some people, it just means another kid going off trying to be a hotshot Pastor. But to me, it means the world. I just hope I do it right. Even though the title of this blog is "I Made It", this is just the beginning.

Well, there you have it. I tried to condense as much as I could; but seeing as I don't focus all that well and with all the cheese in my life, I tend to go off topic. Haha. If anyone in this world was crazy enough to read through the whole thing, I'm very grateful that you did.

Look for part two next week! Don't worry, it won't be about me!