January, thus far, has been a rather strange month. To me, it's seemed like it's gone by really fast, yet really slow at the same time. You must be wondering and inclined to ask, "how is that so?" Well, let me tell you exactly how it is so: I have no idea!
Yeah, as we enter into the last week of the month, I can look back and definitely say that it's been a very interesting one, to say the least.
On the 17th, my church celebrated its 40th year via an oversized banquet of 450-500 people. A lot of people wondered how a church of less than 150 could hold a banquet that's triple the size of the regular attendance - I've wondered the same. I know it ended up being a lot of family members and friends of church members, previous members, previous staff, etc. So when you think about it, it's not too hard to pull so many people into the dinner. As you would've expected, it was structured very traditionally with MC's and a set program for the dinner.
I must confess that I really didn't enjoy it very much. It's terrible for the English pastor to be saying that, but it's just how I felt. I was rather uncomfortable the entire evening, but I think from a neutral point of view, it wasn't all that bad. I know a lot of people enjoyed the evening quite a bit, so I want to support them in that. Before you bring out your pitchforks, I'm never one to really enjoy high profile large gatherings, so regardless of how it went, the chances of me liking this one was pretty slim too. I'm introverted, so all my energy is usually drained before the food even hits the table. On top of being overwhelmed by everything, there's just often way too much superficiality between the interactions of people. In many ways, it becomes more about putting on a good show to be displayed for everyone to see.
However, you can also just say that I'm really bad at celebrating.
On the other hand, I really enjoyed my parents being down here though. My mom and dad have this subtle but caring way of showing me that I still have a lot to learn and a long way to go in learning how to be independent. I never really need to observe them for more than a couple minutes to be reminded that I really don't have my stuff together. But, that's just what parents do, and I appreciate it more often than not. Maybe one day I can be this example for my children too. But as is the point of this thought, I still have a long way to go.
After kicking off a new series this month, I get to take a break from preaching this Sunday. I've really enjoyed reading and studying the first couple weeks of the month. In the three messages I've preached, I've yet to preach through all that I'd planned to. If I did, I would've gone on for an hour or longer. It goes to show that I've submerged myself into the Word, and I'm seeing how it's helped me piece things together. Having a week off here will be good, but I'm excited to get right back at it in February.
It's been a very mixed January for me. I've wanted to be happy and excited, motivated and driven, but I am always finding things that hold me down. All I can really do is keep going, and see where I end up a month from now.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Of Conviction
It's taken me a while to get to writing this post because I wanted to be able to re-count and draw from the several experiences that I've had to be able to express the importance of conviction in a way that I want.
To me, one of the most powerful tools, launch pads, spring boards, or whatever you want to call it, is conviction. Conviction, however you want to define it, has the ability to change lives so dramatically; I've seen how it steers the course of a life with full intent and purpose.
Where I am now really is a story of conviction. I often feel so blessed because conviction is not something man made, but it comes from the Spirit. I can see so many periods in my life where I was washed with waves of conviction, which has lead me to where I am today.
In the latter half of high school, I started gaining some really strong convictions for the church. I stumbled upon some of my old journal entries and blog posts from high school, and I actually come away amazed at how I was able to articulate such thoughts at that age. I've always said that I'm not good at articulating things consicely and precisely, but some of those pieces that I wrote still pack such a powerful message. This stage of conviction, I think, was what lead some of my mentors to seeing my call to ministry. When I look at it now, I can see it too. It doesn't just come naturally that I conceive an idea into my brain that we need to be a lot more serious about doing church - it's rather quite supernatural, in fact. I know I ran away from it a good bit, but if anything, the convictions only became stronger until I had to answer to it.
More recently, I'm beginning to grow this passion of looking at the Church from a broarder view than that of a single local body. In studying and learning, the Spirit has been placing on my heart an attention toward the growth of the Church, not just a church. So I started to try diving a little deeper to see where this is taking me. Even in what has only been a couple months, there have been several road blocks, but I'm seeing this image come back to me more and more.
A little strange, but one avenue that I looked briefly at was church planting. Or, to generalize it a little more, building a church from the ground up. There are two central messages that have stuck with me, and really should stick with any church for that matter. The first is disciple making. If you're not making disciples, you're not really doing church. The second is the need for the Bible to hold together everything that the church does. These two things are pinnacle to what Jesus teaches, but so many churches don't resemble them in any way. I don't want to start a church or plant a church just because I'm frustrated with how the current state of churches are, but at every point of a church's life, we have to try to find out where the two pillars are. If there are things we're currently doing that don't involve or work toward disciple making and/or biblical truth, I'd argue that you have no purpose doing them.
So it's a little funny that my path in life intersects the path of Newbern right at the 40 year mark. I don't think these convictions are by mistake, because I feel the need to be asking these things to my church as we move forward. Honestly, I don't know how much impact I'll have on this church. But if I leave here without having done everything with the purpose to make disciples and to know the word of God, then I will not have had the full impact that I could have had. It will also mean that I've run away from this tremendous conviction of building a church that I've had over the last few months.
Again, conviction is so powerful because it's supernatural. I just see this fear and doubt that covers so many people so that they aren't able to pursue conviction the way it's meant to be. You hear people say every now and then, "If it's in God's plans, it will come to you eventually." I'm sorry, but where in the Bible does it tell us to just sit here and wait for God's plan to come to us? We're not called to be infants who just lay here and wait for people to come feed us. Being the Church requires us to be active and on the move. Lots of people can't settle at a church because it doesn't give them what they want. How about we start with the one we're at and work together to become the church that we are taught to be?
"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33)
To me, one of the most powerful tools, launch pads, spring boards, or whatever you want to call it, is conviction. Conviction, however you want to define it, has the ability to change lives so dramatically; I've seen how it steers the course of a life with full intent and purpose.
Where I am now really is a story of conviction. I often feel so blessed because conviction is not something man made, but it comes from the Spirit. I can see so many periods in my life where I was washed with waves of conviction, which has lead me to where I am today.
In the latter half of high school, I started gaining some really strong convictions for the church. I stumbled upon some of my old journal entries and blog posts from high school, and I actually come away amazed at how I was able to articulate such thoughts at that age. I've always said that I'm not good at articulating things consicely and precisely, but some of those pieces that I wrote still pack such a powerful message. This stage of conviction, I think, was what lead some of my mentors to seeing my call to ministry. When I look at it now, I can see it too. It doesn't just come naturally that I conceive an idea into my brain that we need to be a lot more serious about doing church - it's rather quite supernatural, in fact. I know I ran away from it a good bit, but if anything, the convictions only became stronger until I had to answer to it.
More recently, I'm beginning to grow this passion of looking at the Church from a broarder view than that of a single local body. In studying and learning, the Spirit has been placing on my heart an attention toward the growth of the Church, not just a church. So I started to try diving a little deeper to see where this is taking me. Even in what has only been a couple months, there have been several road blocks, but I'm seeing this image come back to me more and more.
A little strange, but one avenue that I looked briefly at was church planting. Or, to generalize it a little more, building a church from the ground up. There are two central messages that have stuck with me, and really should stick with any church for that matter. The first is disciple making. If you're not making disciples, you're not really doing church. The second is the need for the Bible to hold together everything that the church does. These two things are pinnacle to what Jesus teaches, but so many churches don't resemble them in any way. I don't want to start a church or plant a church just because I'm frustrated with how the current state of churches are, but at every point of a church's life, we have to try to find out where the two pillars are. If there are things we're currently doing that don't involve or work toward disciple making and/or biblical truth, I'd argue that you have no purpose doing them.
So it's a little funny that my path in life intersects the path of Newbern right at the 40 year mark. I don't think these convictions are by mistake, because I feel the need to be asking these things to my church as we move forward. Honestly, I don't know how much impact I'll have on this church. But if I leave here without having done everything with the purpose to make disciples and to know the word of God, then I will not have had the full impact that I could have had. It will also mean that I've run away from this tremendous conviction of building a church that I've had over the last few months.
Again, conviction is so powerful because it's supernatural. I just see this fear and doubt that covers so many people so that they aren't able to pursue conviction the way it's meant to be. You hear people say every now and then, "If it's in God's plans, it will come to you eventually." I'm sorry, but where in the Bible does it tell us to just sit here and wait for God's plan to come to us? We're not called to be infants who just lay here and wait for people to come feed us. Being the Church requires us to be active and on the move. Lots of people can't settle at a church because it doesn't give them what they want. How about we start with the one we're at and work together to become the church that we are taught to be?
"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33)
Friday, January 1, 2016
Love
Happy New Years, wherever you are. BC is one of the last places to turn the year, so I feel pretty good about posting at the right time.
Over the last two months, I wrote a lot of unfinished, broken, blurry, and clouded thoughts on my blog. It was something I wanted to try because I was curious to see how well I could articulate these deep convictions that I've had. As I read over them, they're pretty confusing. With the new year, however, I have one final post left that I will finish and then that'll be it. This post is a bit of a precursor to that final topic that I will write about.
Another thing is that I will slowly be moving on from this little blog that I've had since I graduated high school. It's been fun to document my life a little bit on this thing, but I think I'm needing to move on. I'm still leaving everything up here, because it's basically a record for me to refer back to if I ever need it. I'm not sure when I'll completely stop posting, but it'll get there eventually.
So, I don't really know who all reads my blog, but if you do, good on ya.
I don't talk too much about my personal devotion time very much because it's... well, personal. However, I think I've reached an interesting overlap of how my ministry has gone recently and how my own personal journey has developed in the last couple months. I'll start from the top.
In a lot of my personal studies lately, I'm learning a lot about love. I read through, not in great depth, the gospel of Matthew, and the book of Acts. I've read through 1 Timothy several times, and I've also been studying Philippians. From reading these books that differ so much from each other, I'm seeing a lot of how love is expressed in so many different ways. I am seeing it from the Father's angle, from Jesus' POV, from Paul's, from the people that are being ministered to, from the Church, etc. From the tiny and minute details to the grand purposes, I'm learning a lot from how love is expressed in each aspect. And also having preached 1 John throughout eight weeks this past summer, some of the things still hang around in my mind.
What I've found that seems to be evident in every form of love I'm seeing is suffering. In the Bible, love is all about pouring yourself out for the good of someone or something else. It's a sense of surrendering yourself and kneeling down to get lower than what it is that you "love." We see God reducing himself as a king and ruler, we see Jesus serving and healing those that are in need and surrendering to the Father's will, we see Paul come within the face of death several times; all of this seems to be for one cause. And that cause is love. Even the most popular Bible verse of all time, John 3:16, speaks on a love that is married to sacrifice and suffering - the two make one.
This facet of love stands out so much to me because I've had so many sleepless nights over weeks and weeks for being hard on myself and being frustrated with my life. I've been so discouraged by the fact that my natural tendencies are to tell myself that I'm not good enough to make a difference. Truth is: I'm not. Apart from God, I don't make a difference. Day after day, I wonder why God has put me on this path of ministry and not something else. I'm not doubting my calling nor can I see myself doing anything else, but it's just the perspective that I'm looking at life with and it's a tremendous struggle.
As a pastor, I love what I get to do. I get to hang out with people, get to know them, build relationships, and share Christ. However, what we're too good at doing is only focusing on things that we need to "fix." I went for lunch with a church member a few weeks back and she asked me if I ever stop to look at what I've done. The question almost broke me, because of the painful truth and realization that I don't stop to admire or celebrate what's been done. It's like fixing leaks while it's pouring rain. You plug one hole, then you move onto the next and hope the first one doesn't burst again. We more often than not are looking at the brokenness in the world and in our lives, and we have to try to offer encouragement and healing. So it's a lot like a doctor in how they are seeing patients and just needing to prescribe something to them hoping that it makes them feel better. Being faced with so much brokenness and pouring yourself out to try to address it is so incredibly taxing.
So much of my attention and focus has been on what needs to be done that I just become miserable. I'd talk about how I'm super enjoying what's going on with my life, and I honestly am a lot of times; but for some reason I still go to sleep feeling broken more often than not. In looking deep within myself and trying to see what my problem was, I thought that I just didn't love anymore, or that I wasn't capable of loving.
Everything became meticulous and all my relationships were pretentious. Where is the love in my life? A lot of times, in talking to people, it's a matter of minutes before my frustrations would start to show. I know this, and I don't like it. I start to get tired really fast and really easy, and it makes me just want to go home and lay down on my bed. These feelings all feel so familiar. It is a sense of darkness that is very appealing to me, and I want to be there.
It's a tough go because this affects how I do things practically. If someone even shows an ounce of love for me, I become guarded. I absolutely hate that I do this. This is one of the few times where I say "hate" and I mean it to the full extent. I'm so scared that if I let myself go, accept the love and maybe even reciprocate it, that I just have to suffer again and end up in the darkness that can trap me.
This applies to everything. It can be family love, romantic love, friendship love, Church love, anything. I'm so afraid to allow myself to give into love because of the amount of pain that I might have to endure just to hope that something comes out of it. Being the person that I am, I find excuses and other dumb reasons for why I don't want to engage in something because of the fear of being hurt.
However, I got to the end of John's gospel. After Jesus is risen, I see him standing on the coast, frying up some fish. Jesus then says to his disciples after they spent a night out catching fish, "Come, and have breakfast." The disciples realize it's Jesus and they are overflown with joy. I can imagine the smile that Jesus had on his face, and the overwhelming peace that the disciples felt in knowing that their risen Lord and saviour just invited them to eat.
I can't wait for the day where I can wake up and have Jesus look at me and say, "Hey bud, let's eat."
After seeing how much suffering and pain was involved in loving people, I became so scared to love and be loved. But I'm so glad that Christ's love is relentless and unbreakable. He loves me and suffered for me so much more than anything I could ever know, so I'm praying that I won't be afraid to love anymore. Jesus promises that the reward we'll get will far outweigh anything we go through on earth. So much so that what we're experiencing now won't even claim a moment in our thoughts in the age to come. I honestly can't wait for that.
I think what lies behind what I've been searching for recently is the ability to love. I don't know what's coming for me in 2016, but I don't want to run from it. I came to realize that I may have just run from an opportunity that could've been because of the fear of loving that I have, and I don't want to make this mistake anymore. The ability to love people is the greatest privilege we could ever have, and I don't want to waste anymore time with it.
So for myself, as a personal note, I have a lot that I need to learn when it comes to love. I know this isn't exactly the type of new year's post you'd expect, but this is real.
Over the last two months, I wrote a lot of unfinished, broken, blurry, and clouded thoughts on my blog. It was something I wanted to try because I was curious to see how well I could articulate these deep convictions that I've had. As I read over them, they're pretty confusing. With the new year, however, I have one final post left that I will finish and then that'll be it. This post is a bit of a precursor to that final topic that I will write about.
Another thing is that I will slowly be moving on from this little blog that I've had since I graduated high school. It's been fun to document my life a little bit on this thing, but I think I'm needing to move on. I'm still leaving everything up here, because it's basically a record for me to refer back to if I ever need it. I'm not sure when I'll completely stop posting, but it'll get there eventually.
So, I don't really know who all reads my blog, but if you do, good on ya.
I don't talk too much about my personal devotion time very much because it's... well, personal. However, I think I've reached an interesting overlap of how my ministry has gone recently and how my own personal journey has developed in the last couple months. I'll start from the top.
In a lot of my personal studies lately, I'm learning a lot about love. I read through, not in great depth, the gospel of Matthew, and the book of Acts. I've read through 1 Timothy several times, and I've also been studying Philippians. From reading these books that differ so much from each other, I'm seeing a lot of how love is expressed in so many different ways. I am seeing it from the Father's angle, from Jesus' POV, from Paul's, from the people that are being ministered to, from the Church, etc. From the tiny and minute details to the grand purposes, I'm learning a lot from how love is expressed in each aspect. And also having preached 1 John throughout eight weeks this past summer, some of the things still hang around in my mind.
What I've found that seems to be evident in every form of love I'm seeing is suffering. In the Bible, love is all about pouring yourself out for the good of someone or something else. It's a sense of surrendering yourself and kneeling down to get lower than what it is that you "love." We see God reducing himself as a king and ruler, we see Jesus serving and healing those that are in need and surrendering to the Father's will, we see Paul come within the face of death several times; all of this seems to be for one cause. And that cause is love. Even the most popular Bible verse of all time, John 3:16, speaks on a love that is married to sacrifice and suffering - the two make one.
This facet of love stands out so much to me because I've had so many sleepless nights over weeks and weeks for being hard on myself and being frustrated with my life. I've been so discouraged by the fact that my natural tendencies are to tell myself that I'm not good enough to make a difference. Truth is: I'm not. Apart from God, I don't make a difference. Day after day, I wonder why God has put me on this path of ministry and not something else. I'm not doubting my calling nor can I see myself doing anything else, but it's just the perspective that I'm looking at life with and it's a tremendous struggle.
As a pastor, I love what I get to do. I get to hang out with people, get to know them, build relationships, and share Christ. However, what we're too good at doing is only focusing on things that we need to "fix." I went for lunch with a church member a few weeks back and she asked me if I ever stop to look at what I've done. The question almost broke me, because of the painful truth and realization that I don't stop to admire or celebrate what's been done. It's like fixing leaks while it's pouring rain. You plug one hole, then you move onto the next and hope the first one doesn't burst again. We more often than not are looking at the brokenness in the world and in our lives, and we have to try to offer encouragement and healing. So it's a lot like a doctor in how they are seeing patients and just needing to prescribe something to them hoping that it makes them feel better. Being faced with so much brokenness and pouring yourself out to try to address it is so incredibly taxing.
So much of my attention and focus has been on what needs to be done that I just become miserable. I'd talk about how I'm super enjoying what's going on with my life, and I honestly am a lot of times; but for some reason I still go to sleep feeling broken more often than not. In looking deep within myself and trying to see what my problem was, I thought that I just didn't love anymore, or that I wasn't capable of loving.
Everything became meticulous and all my relationships were pretentious. Where is the love in my life? A lot of times, in talking to people, it's a matter of minutes before my frustrations would start to show. I know this, and I don't like it. I start to get tired really fast and really easy, and it makes me just want to go home and lay down on my bed. These feelings all feel so familiar. It is a sense of darkness that is very appealing to me, and I want to be there.
It's a tough go because this affects how I do things practically. If someone even shows an ounce of love for me, I become guarded. I absolutely hate that I do this. This is one of the few times where I say "hate" and I mean it to the full extent. I'm so scared that if I let myself go, accept the love and maybe even reciprocate it, that I just have to suffer again and end up in the darkness that can trap me.
This applies to everything. It can be family love, romantic love, friendship love, Church love, anything. I'm so afraid to allow myself to give into love because of the amount of pain that I might have to endure just to hope that something comes out of it. Being the person that I am, I find excuses and other dumb reasons for why I don't want to engage in something because of the fear of being hurt.
However, I got to the end of John's gospel. After Jesus is risen, I see him standing on the coast, frying up some fish. Jesus then says to his disciples after they spent a night out catching fish, "Come, and have breakfast." The disciples realize it's Jesus and they are overflown with joy. I can imagine the smile that Jesus had on his face, and the overwhelming peace that the disciples felt in knowing that their risen Lord and saviour just invited them to eat.
I can't wait for the day where I can wake up and have Jesus look at me and say, "Hey bud, let's eat."
After seeing how much suffering and pain was involved in loving people, I became so scared to love and be loved. But I'm so glad that Christ's love is relentless and unbreakable. He loves me and suffered for me so much more than anything I could ever know, so I'm praying that I won't be afraid to love anymore. Jesus promises that the reward we'll get will far outweigh anything we go through on earth. So much so that what we're experiencing now won't even claim a moment in our thoughts in the age to come. I honestly can't wait for that.
I think what lies behind what I've been searching for recently is the ability to love. I don't know what's coming for me in 2016, but I don't want to run from it. I came to realize that I may have just run from an opportunity that could've been because of the fear of loving that I have, and I don't want to make this mistake anymore. The ability to love people is the greatest privilege we could ever have, and I don't want to waste anymore time with it.
So for myself, as a personal note, I have a lot that I need to learn when it comes to love. I know this isn't exactly the type of new year's post you'd expect, but this is real.
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