When you're a pastor, there's no running from attention. There is also no hiding that you can really do either, because who you are and the discipline of your days start to show in your performance. Your studies slack? Your sermons and teachings will start to be hollow. You spend most of your time at home? People start to wonder if you care about your congregation. Not a lot that you do will get past your church, and it's something every pastor learns to deal with. I think it's fair. If there's a pastor that gets away with everything, he/she is probably not a very good pastor.
Given where I am and where I work, a large portion of the attention I get is simply from the title I possess. Just because I'm "Pastor Nathan," I suddenly get treated with some sort of special privileges or I'm seen differently from everyone else. As someone who's already uncomfortable with attention, hearing things about me that are derived from my title make me cringe every now and then. "Wow, he's the pastor, man!" "You can't say/do that to the pastor!" Um, if it's something that shouldn't be directed at the pastor, it's probably something that shouldn't be directed at anyone else either. I don't mean to put such negative light on it, because I don't think it's a terrible thing, but the fact that I do is likely a sign that I haven't learned to handle it yet.
I'm still getting used to being the person that people will look to in order to lead and make decisions. So when I'm not prepared to be in that situation, I probably respond in a defensive way. Another part of me is that I've always been a team player. Everyone should be able to hold equal say and opportunity in everything we do as a church. But in a very Chinese tradition-influenced church, people will more often than not default to the pastor deciding. I think that I should be part of the decision making process, but I wouldn't say my voice towers over everyone else unless I absolutely have to. So for someone that's usually just another face in the room, I'm now one that stands out.
For those of you that get self-conscious easily, this job probably isn't for you. Haha.
I do. As someone that is already hyper analytical of everything I say and do, I'm now even more so than I was before. Whatever I say, or whatever I do, I'm so careful of what it's revealing about me and about my position that I don't even know how I can speak coherent sentences and have a natural body stance. It's crazy. The second I start to notice a couple people making glances over at me, I try to sit up straight, place my hands neatly in front of me, etc.
I'll admit: I'm slightly exaggerating. But much of this attention and focus still holds true. Dealing with the attention is something I cannot say I am good at, or even decent at. The caution here is that I don't want to fall into a trap where I'm more concerned about looking good and performing well. However, at the same time, it does present me the opportunity to really show others what Christ means to me. My hopes are that the latter has been more true. I don't want anything that I do to be about me or to puff myself up. I want the one who deserves the glory to be seen.
With the constant pressure and magnification of who I am and what I do, I have fallen in love with the times of the day when I can sit on my bed and just be myself. Even on Mondays, I think about work more often than not. The 1-2 hours before I sleep every night, though, are the precious times in which I can forget about the attention. My job and my life are being blended together more and more each day. Wherever I find a bit of separation, it's pure bliss.
At the very least, this is how it is at this point in my life. If one day I am married and have a family, who knows, maybe I'll actually gain some of my life back. Maybe I'll be able to come home to my wife and kids, giving them the attention rather than having it on me. Maybe.
Or I'll just do it the easy way and live somewhere that will let me have a dog.
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