"I'm a pastor."
I'm a little uncomfortable when people ask me what I do for a living. It's not really that I am scared of telling them I'm a pastor; it's more that I don't really want to do a whole lot of explaining. Some people are really cool and polite. They will follow up with asking about my job like they would any other person's job. And there are also people that pause for a second, have a confused look, and then ask a few guarded questions to try to be respectful.
It's actually sort of amusing. I don't really look forward to explaining my job, what it is, and how I got to doing it, because I don't ever want to assume people know about Christianity. So I've learned to give some really basic answers, and then I'll start trying to steer the conversation elsewhere.
You could say this blog post was inspired by a conversation I had today at the bank. I was depositing a cheque and taking out rent money when the dude asked me if I wanted to upgrade my savings account so that I could get a little more interest rate going on for it. I thought, "Why not? Day off, I'm in no hurry." After a minute, I was brought into a room to meet with a lady to set me up.
In asking for my ID, I accidentally gave her my health card, which looks identical to my driver's license. She asked if I had my license on me, and I realized I gave her the wrong card; so I said something about still getting used to these Vancouver documents and such. Then she made the remark of acknowledging that I'm from Alberta.
The conversation continues a little bit and she asks what I do. "I'm a pastor." The lady had a bit of a surprised look on her face, pretty typical from what I've seen. She then says, "I would've never pictured you to be a pastor." So we continue to talk, and she then tells me she's catholic. My thoughts were that it made sense because she had a good grasp on several faith-type terms and such. So I found it pretty pleasant to talk to her for the while.
About ten minutes later, the lady then tells me, "That's so cool! I could see you as my pastor - you're so easy to talk to!" Now, it was my turn to act a little surprised. Didn't she just tell me that I don't come across like one? Either way, I appreciated the compliment quite a bit actually. It just goes to show how much difference a few minutes can make in getting to know someone.
I know it was in a professional environment, but it's funny how the conversation with this lady made my day. Sometimes it's really refreshing to talk to some people that I don't see regularly, regardless of faith. I think she's probably no more than 5 or 6 years older than me, but I walked out of CIBC feeling pretty rejuvenated. I had a bit of a rough Sunday this past week, so I guess this was a nice way of getting back on my feet.
Anyways, this incident is really just one example of the several I've had in the last few years about my job. People all react differently, but also in a very similar way to when I tell them I'm a pastor - if that makes any sense. Reactions are unique, but all fall within the same spectrum. Usually, we end up talking about my age in relation to my job. I'm starting to warm up to this avenue more and more because I'm recognizing that traditional barriers are being broken in people thinking that you have to be old and archaic to be a pastor. My goal isn't to share the gospel when I talk to people in a secular context, but I want to be able to show them that I am who I am because of God's grace. You look at people nowadays, and you rarely feel hopeful and confident in the future of the world. But I hope that I can be a beacon of light to those that are curious enough to wonder.
I believe everyone has a spot in their hearts and minds to wonder about God. If I can draw attention to that, then that's fantastic. Not everyone will have a positive reaction, but if people can see a little bit of Jesus in me, then I'm doing what I need to do. I hope that I was able to do that for the lady I met today.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Of Attention and Magnification
When you're a pastor, there's no running from attention. There is also no hiding that you can really do either, because who you are and the discipline of your days start to show in your performance. Your studies slack? Your sermons and teachings will start to be hollow. You spend most of your time at home? People start to wonder if you care about your congregation. Not a lot that you do will get past your church, and it's something every pastor learns to deal with. I think it's fair. If there's a pastor that gets away with everything, he/she is probably not a very good pastor.
Given where I am and where I work, a large portion of the attention I get is simply from the title I possess. Just because I'm "Pastor Nathan," I suddenly get treated with some sort of special privileges or I'm seen differently from everyone else. As someone who's already uncomfortable with attention, hearing things about me that are derived from my title make me cringe every now and then. "Wow, he's the pastor, man!" "You can't say/do that to the pastor!" Um, if it's something that shouldn't be directed at the pastor, it's probably something that shouldn't be directed at anyone else either. I don't mean to put such negative light on it, because I don't think it's a terrible thing, but the fact that I do is likely a sign that I haven't learned to handle it yet.
I'm still getting used to being the person that people will look to in order to lead and make decisions. So when I'm not prepared to be in that situation, I probably respond in a defensive way. Another part of me is that I've always been a team player. Everyone should be able to hold equal say and opportunity in everything we do as a church. But in a very Chinese tradition-influenced church, people will more often than not default to the pastor deciding. I think that I should be part of the decision making process, but I wouldn't say my voice towers over everyone else unless I absolutely have to. So for someone that's usually just another face in the room, I'm now one that stands out.
For those of you that get self-conscious easily, this job probably isn't for you. Haha.
I do. As someone that is already hyper analytical of everything I say and do, I'm now even more so than I was before. Whatever I say, or whatever I do, I'm so careful of what it's revealing about me and about my position that I don't even know how I can speak coherent sentences and have a natural body stance. It's crazy. The second I start to notice a couple people making glances over at me, I try to sit up straight, place my hands neatly in front of me, etc.
I'll admit: I'm slightly exaggerating. But much of this attention and focus still holds true. Dealing with the attention is something I cannot say I am good at, or even decent at. The caution here is that I don't want to fall into a trap where I'm more concerned about looking good and performing well. However, at the same time, it does present me the opportunity to really show others what Christ means to me. My hopes are that the latter has been more true. I don't want anything that I do to be about me or to puff myself up. I want the one who deserves the glory to be seen.
With the constant pressure and magnification of who I am and what I do, I have fallen in love with the times of the day when I can sit on my bed and just be myself. Even on Mondays, I think about work more often than not. The 1-2 hours before I sleep every night, though, are the precious times in which I can forget about the attention. My job and my life are being blended together more and more each day. Wherever I find a bit of separation, it's pure bliss.
At the very least, this is how it is at this point in my life. If one day I am married and have a family, who knows, maybe I'll actually gain some of my life back. Maybe I'll be able to come home to my wife and kids, giving them the attention rather than having it on me. Maybe.
Or I'll just do it the easy way and live somewhere that will let me have a dog.
Given where I am and where I work, a large portion of the attention I get is simply from the title I possess. Just because I'm "Pastor Nathan," I suddenly get treated with some sort of special privileges or I'm seen differently from everyone else. As someone who's already uncomfortable with attention, hearing things about me that are derived from my title make me cringe every now and then. "Wow, he's the pastor, man!" "You can't say/do that to the pastor!" Um, if it's something that shouldn't be directed at the pastor, it's probably something that shouldn't be directed at anyone else either. I don't mean to put such negative light on it, because I don't think it's a terrible thing, but the fact that I do is likely a sign that I haven't learned to handle it yet.
I'm still getting used to being the person that people will look to in order to lead and make decisions. So when I'm not prepared to be in that situation, I probably respond in a defensive way. Another part of me is that I've always been a team player. Everyone should be able to hold equal say and opportunity in everything we do as a church. But in a very Chinese tradition-influenced church, people will more often than not default to the pastor deciding. I think that I should be part of the decision making process, but I wouldn't say my voice towers over everyone else unless I absolutely have to. So for someone that's usually just another face in the room, I'm now one that stands out.
For those of you that get self-conscious easily, this job probably isn't for you. Haha.
I do. As someone that is already hyper analytical of everything I say and do, I'm now even more so than I was before. Whatever I say, or whatever I do, I'm so careful of what it's revealing about me and about my position that I don't even know how I can speak coherent sentences and have a natural body stance. It's crazy. The second I start to notice a couple people making glances over at me, I try to sit up straight, place my hands neatly in front of me, etc.
I'll admit: I'm slightly exaggerating. But much of this attention and focus still holds true. Dealing with the attention is something I cannot say I am good at, or even decent at. The caution here is that I don't want to fall into a trap where I'm more concerned about looking good and performing well. However, at the same time, it does present me the opportunity to really show others what Christ means to me. My hopes are that the latter has been more true. I don't want anything that I do to be about me or to puff myself up. I want the one who deserves the glory to be seen.
With the constant pressure and magnification of who I am and what I do, I have fallen in love with the times of the day when I can sit on my bed and just be myself. Even on Mondays, I think about work more often than not. The 1-2 hours before I sleep every night, though, are the precious times in which I can forget about the attention. My job and my life are being blended together more and more each day. Wherever I find a bit of separation, it's pure bliss.
At the very least, this is how it is at this point in my life. If one day I am married and have a family, who knows, maybe I'll actually gain some of my life back. Maybe I'll be able to come home to my wife and kids, giving them the attention rather than having it on me. Maybe.
Or I'll just do it the easy way and live somewhere that will let me have a dog.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Of Time and Efficiency
One of the traps I fall into is that I can allow weeks to simply become cycles where I repeat the same thing over and over, with little variation. For a few weeks here in November, it seems I have fallen into this rotation a little bit. Part of it is because it has been raining and cold, so no one really wants to do anything when that happens. Another part is because I'm procrastinating.
Transitioning seasons is always tough for me. I prepared hard for the Fall. But I probably should've begun preparing for the Christmas season at the end of October. I'm left here, one week before advent starts without much groundwork for the holiday season for our church. I do have an uncanny ability to finish everything by the deadlines, but I don't like to rely on that. Basically, I didn't get ahead when I could've.
Having talked about my Mondays in the past, I'm at a point now where I'm rediscovering again what I should be doing with it. I've experienced a few Sundays in the last while where I've been completely drained by the time I got home from everything. This could be right after church, or after some evening gathering I went to. So even though I purpose myself to do something productive each Monday, I'm becoming more of a vegetable because I just don't feel like doing anything. When I veg out, I never really feel rested because I'm just doing mindless things. There's no nurturing at all, I just go through the motions until it's Tuesday again, where I dread getting up to go to the office. I need my Mondays to recharge me. But how do you do that when, a) you're exhausted, and b) the weather doesn't make it desirable to go out?
God sustains me everyday. Somedays, it means I make it through with flying colors, whereas others I am barely crawling past the finish line. I don't mind too much, I just need to do better to ready for the next day.
I've also been thinking about the life of an average church goer. The pressing question right now is how much exposure to God and to the bible do people get outside of Sunday? My optimistic guess is 1-2 hours tops. Unless we maintain strong spiritual disciplines of praying, reading, and fellowship, we will feel literally no obligation to have our attentions on God. How tragic. Also, the wrong mind set.
So, with this in mind, I'm feeling pressure to really optimize the time I do have with my church to leave something that will last. The real challenge isn't to impress something that lasts, though. The real challenge is to cause a desire to take time out of everyone's days to spend time with God. How do we do that? Well, I don't really know. I need to be the first to keep myself disciplined, and I completely understand how hard it can be. Doesn't matter that I'm a pastor. It's, in a lot of ways, actually harder for me to keep it up.
So the desire is for us to change our "logic" and attitude to a point where, instead of having no reason to spend time with God, we have no other choice but to spend time with God - that we can't help ourselves but to spend time with him.
It's actually hilarious, one thing that I find. John Piper said something along the lines of how the fact that now with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., (everything that promotes efficiency) the reason we neglect God will never be because of a lack of time. How sobering of a thought is that? I felt like I hit a brick wall when I heard that comment; and then I found myself confessing a bunch of things. Haha.
Well, these thoughts may likely turn into what I preach on for the first half of 2016. I think that would be good for me to learn as well. Time isn't very forgiving to those who choose to not prioritize it: I'm learning that now. And especially with all the... let's go with "stuff" that's happened in the world over the last few weeks, there is no greater point in our lives than now where we need to be making use of time and efficiency correctly.
Transitioning seasons is always tough for me. I prepared hard for the Fall. But I probably should've begun preparing for the Christmas season at the end of October. I'm left here, one week before advent starts without much groundwork for the holiday season for our church. I do have an uncanny ability to finish everything by the deadlines, but I don't like to rely on that. Basically, I didn't get ahead when I could've.
Having talked about my Mondays in the past, I'm at a point now where I'm rediscovering again what I should be doing with it. I've experienced a few Sundays in the last while where I've been completely drained by the time I got home from everything. This could be right after church, or after some evening gathering I went to. So even though I purpose myself to do something productive each Monday, I'm becoming more of a vegetable because I just don't feel like doing anything. When I veg out, I never really feel rested because I'm just doing mindless things. There's no nurturing at all, I just go through the motions until it's Tuesday again, where I dread getting up to go to the office. I need my Mondays to recharge me. But how do you do that when, a) you're exhausted, and b) the weather doesn't make it desirable to go out?
God sustains me everyday. Somedays, it means I make it through with flying colors, whereas others I am barely crawling past the finish line. I don't mind too much, I just need to do better to ready for the next day.
I've also been thinking about the life of an average church goer. The pressing question right now is how much exposure to God and to the bible do people get outside of Sunday? My optimistic guess is 1-2 hours tops. Unless we maintain strong spiritual disciplines of praying, reading, and fellowship, we will feel literally no obligation to have our attentions on God. How tragic. Also, the wrong mind set.
So, with this in mind, I'm feeling pressure to really optimize the time I do have with my church to leave something that will last. The real challenge isn't to impress something that lasts, though. The real challenge is to cause a desire to take time out of everyone's days to spend time with God. How do we do that? Well, I don't really know. I need to be the first to keep myself disciplined, and I completely understand how hard it can be. Doesn't matter that I'm a pastor. It's, in a lot of ways, actually harder for me to keep it up.
So the desire is for us to change our "logic" and attitude to a point where, instead of having no reason to spend time with God, we have no other choice but to spend time with God - that we can't help ourselves but to spend time with him.
It's actually hilarious, one thing that I find. John Piper said something along the lines of how the fact that now with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., (everything that promotes efficiency) the reason we neglect God will never be because of a lack of time. How sobering of a thought is that? I felt like I hit a brick wall when I heard that comment; and then I found myself confessing a bunch of things. Haha.
Well, these thoughts may likely turn into what I preach on for the first half of 2016. I think that would be good for me to learn as well. Time isn't very forgiving to those who choose to not prioritize it: I'm learning that now. And especially with all the... let's go with "stuff" that's happened in the world over the last few weeks, there is no greater point in our lives than now where we need to be making use of time and efficiency correctly.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Of Ministry and Balance
I've been working, on and off, on my philosophy of ministry for a couple months now. I did it once a year while I was at school, but haven't really touched it since the beginning of my graduation year. Originally, I wrote it with the academic influence on it, meaning I had to be conscientious about what I'd say and how I'd say it. Everything would come from my heart, but it remained a very broad and ambiguous sense of saying things - more politically correct, you could say.
This past summer, I've talked about vision seeking and a lot of aligning myself to where we, as a church, need to be going in the coming year(s). Doing this has allowed me to come back to what my philosophy of ministry is, and what the church's "philosophy" is as well.
It's funny, because in the past, I've just fired away at writing down exactly what I had learned and what I felt would be important to my philosophy, but after a couple months of thinking here, I really have yet to even write a single word on it.
I think there is a reason why. The overarching "philosophy," or reason/purpose, to anyone's ministry should always remain unchanged. Stemming from what Christ commissioned of the Church, that doesn't deviate from what the scriptures tell us. So, with that in mind, I was wondering, then, why I would need to redo my philosophy again. Even with wondering, however, I knew very strongly in my mind that something had shifted from year one into year two. It's fair to say that I got through my first year almost purely on energy, excitement, and the whole sense of newness. Did I really accomplish as much as it appears I have? Do people actually like me as a person and a pastor? How much longer until I get some actual push back? What's going to keep this ship sailing in the right direction?
All of these questions that come into my mind have affected the way I've approached doing my philosophy this time around. I think it's a good thing. So I've been wrestling with the balance I need to draw in terms of keeping that overarching purpose of why we do church and what our main goal is in this specific time and place, or the "context" as some would like to call it.
Context is always a bit of a "can of worms" type of a discussion because we so rarely go about it appropriately. For me, I think it will play a big role into my philosophy this time because I really believe that in this season, our church really needs to learn how to go deeper into the Gospel. This means that it's not so much hearing about the good news, but it's about keeping that freshness of what the good news means to us in our day to day lives and how it should affect the way we live. Tim Keller said Christianity seems to become very powerful at the margins of our societies. Having taken a course on marginal theology myself, I agree pretty strongly. Therefore, in many ways, ministering to "mature" Christians, believers who have been around for a long time, seems to be a really big challenge nowadays. For this reason, I really want to do a series on Philippians, but it seems everyone has been doing it. Would I be a bandwagoner if I jumped in on it too? Probably not, given my circumstances, but it's still something that will need to be addressed. James is another book that has popped up as well, so I'm glad I have options.
So there's some really introductory and surface level thoughts on my current philosophy of ministry. The philosophy will never really change too much. I think it'll just bring upon seasons where certain points of the philosophy will be emphasized more than others.
I'm thankful for my life these days. I'm glad that I've really been finding joy in doing the things I do because of the foundation I've been fortunate to build. This is not to say that everything is working out, but I'm able to face everything with joy, and that's really all I need. There's still a lot of adjustments I need to make personally, but I'm slowly getting there. The best part is when I catch myself pausing in conversation because I need to translate something in my mind so I can say it in Chinese. It's awesome the grace I get from these people who understand that Chinese isn't my go to language, so I'm a little slow when it comes to interacting with people when I have to use the language.
My church really is a small and faithful family that's been committed for decades, and my heart burns for their ability to grow and continue in what will begin as the next chapter of this thing we call church in 2016.
This past summer, I've talked about vision seeking and a lot of aligning myself to where we, as a church, need to be going in the coming year(s). Doing this has allowed me to come back to what my philosophy of ministry is, and what the church's "philosophy" is as well.
It's funny, because in the past, I've just fired away at writing down exactly what I had learned and what I felt would be important to my philosophy, but after a couple months of thinking here, I really have yet to even write a single word on it.
I think there is a reason why. The overarching "philosophy," or reason/purpose, to anyone's ministry should always remain unchanged. Stemming from what Christ commissioned of the Church, that doesn't deviate from what the scriptures tell us. So, with that in mind, I was wondering, then, why I would need to redo my philosophy again. Even with wondering, however, I knew very strongly in my mind that something had shifted from year one into year two. It's fair to say that I got through my first year almost purely on energy, excitement, and the whole sense of newness. Did I really accomplish as much as it appears I have? Do people actually like me as a person and a pastor? How much longer until I get some actual push back? What's going to keep this ship sailing in the right direction?
All of these questions that come into my mind have affected the way I've approached doing my philosophy this time around. I think it's a good thing. So I've been wrestling with the balance I need to draw in terms of keeping that overarching purpose of why we do church and what our main goal is in this specific time and place, or the "context" as some would like to call it.
Context is always a bit of a "can of worms" type of a discussion because we so rarely go about it appropriately. For me, I think it will play a big role into my philosophy this time because I really believe that in this season, our church really needs to learn how to go deeper into the Gospel. This means that it's not so much hearing about the good news, but it's about keeping that freshness of what the good news means to us in our day to day lives and how it should affect the way we live. Tim Keller said Christianity seems to become very powerful at the margins of our societies. Having taken a course on marginal theology myself, I agree pretty strongly. Therefore, in many ways, ministering to "mature" Christians, believers who have been around for a long time, seems to be a really big challenge nowadays. For this reason, I really want to do a series on Philippians, but it seems everyone has been doing it. Would I be a bandwagoner if I jumped in on it too? Probably not, given my circumstances, but it's still something that will need to be addressed. James is another book that has popped up as well, so I'm glad I have options.
So there's some really introductory and surface level thoughts on my current philosophy of ministry. The philosophy will never really change too much. I think it'll just bring upon seasons where certain points of the philosophy will be emphasized more than others.
I'm thankful for my life these days. I'm glad that I've really been finding joy in doing the things I do because of the foundation I've been fortunate to build. This is not to say that everything is working out, but I'm able to face everything with joy, and that's really all I need. There's still a lot of adjustments I need to make personally, but I'm slowly getting there. The best part is when I catch myself pausing in conversation because I need to translate something in my mind so I can say it in Chinese. It's awesome the grace I get from these people who understand that Chinese isn't my go to language, so I'm a little slow when it comes to interacting with people when I have to use the language.
My church really is a small and faithful family that's been committed for decades, and my heart burns for their ability to grow and continue in what will begin as the next chapter of this thing we call church in 2016.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Searching
September and October have been two interesting months for me at my job and ministry. There's been some rollercoaster type effects that I've been feeling about several things and I've been trying to process all of it during this time.
Looking back at October, I didn't have a whole lot to do compared to the months that sandwich it. I only had to preach on one Sunday, and that was the joint Thanksgiving service.
I actually really enjoyed preaching at the joint service. Generally speaking, I haven't met too many people that like joint services. Usually, it means the service time will be longer, there needs to be translation, and it's usually some special event like a baptism or something like that. Predominantly in Chinese churches, a joint service means that it's a service in the style and format of the Chinese meeting. I know that in the last several years, many churches of the like are beginning to realize that if a Chinese church in North America is to have any real future, it will need to put resources into developing and growing the English. That's a whole different subject that I won't get into, because no matter which way you turn, you seem to be stepping on people's toes when you talk about the nature of an English congregation in a Chinese church - I would say it's almost as can-of-worm-like as talking finances in a Chinese-heavy culture. So when I look at the overall climate of Chinese churches, the ones who figured this out sooner seem to be further along the spectrum.
With that being said, I wasn't sure what to expect as I prepared my message for the service. However, God gave me a really awesome message to speak on; so I hung onto the excitement that I gained from knowing I get to tell people what I learned in preparing for the message. As it turned out, I came away really encouraged. My parents taught me to be thankful and to show that appreciation to others. So when, at the beginning of the sermon, I let everyone know what a privilege it was to speak at a joint service, it seemed like a lot of tension was lifted and the stress very much eased. It was genuine, though. I didn't just say that so the older people would give me props for being respectful. I don't remember the last time the English pastor preached at the joint service. So when I said it was an honor for me to preach, I meant it.
On the topic of preaching, I'm starting to find that maybe I'm getting more comfortable behind the pulpit. I mentioned that I am really beginning to find joy in the preparation and the giving of the sermon. People are beginning to respond more as well. I appreciate the positive feedback and "praise" that people give me for being what they think is a good preacher, but I still often feel uncomfortable accepting the compliments. I get told that I really have a natural ability as a preacher, and it's cool, but I don't know how to feel about it. Over the last year, especially, I've put in a lot of work trying to become a better preacher - almost to a point that the other areas of my ministry would suffer because of it. I've listened to countless sermons from countless pastors to try to take note of their styles and what they focus on.
The funny thing here is that while I tune into these sermons for the techniques, I'm usually left being impressed by the message itself. So that's what I really think it comes down to. You can have all the techniques, the natural abilities, or whatever else you want, but if your message has no substance of the gospel, it's not going to have a lasting effect. Preach the Word.
One of the older ladies in the congregation keeps telling me how impressed she is by my work; and it flatters me, but I think it's adorable that she thinks so highly of me to the point of over-complimenting me. She thinks I'll become a famous pastor because of how gifted I am. It's really funny, because she's a very experienced and well traveled lady; she's seen a lot of the world throughout her life, and hearing what she says to me is very nice. All I can really do is gently point her back to the work of the Lord. I beat myself up for being useless all the time, and I think a lot of it is warranted even if you think I'm just hard on myself. So it just lets me know that when people think highly of me, there really is only one reason for it.
I really hope people understand that about me. You may think I'm gifted or talented in many ways, but in my lifetime, I've rarely ever thought that about myself. Many nights I'll lay in bed asking why God grants me the ability to succeed when my work ethic's consitency is so poor and don't deserve "being in the right place at the right time", so to speak. When I get compliments and such, I know certain people will shoot a stink eye at me saying that I flaunt all my abilities so people will like me and to puff up my ego. I never wanted to be in any spotlight. In fact, I prefer being invisible. It's just funny that God has put me exactly where I don't want to be.
Even then, in some form of defense to myself, where I am "skilled" in something, I've probably put in a lot of hard work to get to the point of where I'm at. Take guitar, for instance. When I first fell in love with the instrument, I played non-stop for hours a day. I annoyed my family because of how much I'd play guitar. So I think it's only fair to acknowledge the amount of hard work that anyone puts into being good at something. So if I'm becoming an alright preacher, it's probably because I've put a lot of time into practicing and preparing.
Anyways, I've forgotten what the point of this blog post was. Haha. Skimming over all that I just wrote, it doesn't really paint a picture that I want to display, but I guess that's just part of me being transparent. I'm doing a lot of searching these days, and helping me process these thoughts through typing and analyzing can only be a good thing.
Looking back at October, I didn't have a whole lot to do compared to the months that sandwich it. I only had to preach on one Sunday, and that was the joint Thanksgiving service.
I actually really enjoyed preaching at the joint service. Generally speaking, I haven't met too many people that like joint services. Usually, it means the service time will be longer, there needs to be translation, and it's usually some special event like a baptism or something like that. Predominantly in Chinese churches, a joint service means that it's a service in the style and format of the Chinese meeting. I know that in the last several years, many churches of the like are beginning to realize that if a Chinese church in North America is to have any real future, it will need to put resources into developing and growing the English. That's a whole different subject that I won't get into, because no matter which way you turn, you seem to be stepping on people's toes when you talk about the nature of an English congregation in a Chinese church - I would say it's almost as can-of-worm-like as talking finances in a Chinese-heavy culture. So when I look at the overall climate of Chinese churches, the ones who figured this out sooner seem to be further along the spectrum.
With that being said, I wasn't sure what to expect as I prepared my message for the service. However, God gave me a really awesome message to speak on; so I hung onto the excitement that I gained from knowing I get to tell people what I learned in preparing for the message. As it turned out, I came away really encouraged. My parents taught me to be thankful and to show that appreciation to others. So when, at the beginning of the sermon, I let everyone know what a privilege it was to speak at a joint service, it seemed like a lot of tension was lifted and the stress very much eased. It was genuine, though. I didn't just say that so the older people would give me props for being respectful. I don't remember the last time the English pastor preached at the joint service. So when I said it was an honor for me to preach, I meant it.
On the topic of preaching, I'm starting to find that maybe I'm getting more comfortable behind the pulpit. I mentioned that I am really beginning to find joy in the preparation and the giving of the sermon. People are beginning to respond more as well. I appreciate the positive feedback and "praise" that people give me for being what they think is a good preacher, but I still often feel uncomfortable accepting the compliments. I get told that I really have a natural ability as a preacher, and it's cool, but I don't know how to feel about it. Over the last year, especially, I've put in a lot of work trying to become a better preacher - almost to a point that the other areas of my ministry would suffer because of it. I've listened to countless sermons from countless pastors to try to take note of their styles and what they focus on.
The funny thing here is that while I tune into these sermons for the techniques, I'm usually left being impressed by the message itself. So that's what I really think it comes down to. You can have all the techniques, the natural abilities, or whatever else you want, but if your message has no substance of the gospel, it's not going to have a lasting effect. Preach the Word.
One of the older ladies in the congregation keeps telling me how impressed she is by my work; and it flatters me, but I think it's adorable that she thinks so highly of me to the point of over-complimenting me. She thinks I'll become a famous pastor because of how gifted I am. It's really funny, because she's a very experienced and well traveled lady; she's seen a lot of the world throughout her life, and hearing what she says to me is very nice. All I can really do is gently point her back to the work of the Lord. I beat myself up for being useless all the time, and I think a lot of it is warranted even if you think I'm just hard on myself. So it just lets me know that when people think highly of me, there really is only one reason for it.
I really hope people understand that about me. You may think I'm gifted or talented in many ways, but in my lifetime, I've rarely ever thought that about myself. Many nights I'll lay in bed asking why God grants me the ability to succeed when my work ethic's consitency is so poor and don't deserve "being in the right place at the right time", so to speak. When I get compliments and such, I know certain people will shoot a stink eye at me saying that I flaunt all my abilities so people will like me and to puff up my ego. I never wanted to be in any spotlight. In fact, I prefer being invisible. It's just funny that God has put me exactly where I don't want to be.
Even then, in some form of defense to myself, where I am "skilled" in something, I've probably put in a lot of hard work to get to the point of where I'm at. Take guitar, for instance. When I first fell in love with the instrument, I played non-stop for hours a day. I annoyed my family because of how much I'd play guitar. So I think it's only fair to acknowledge the amount of hard work that anyone puts into being good at something. So if I'm becoming an alright preacher, it's probably because I've put a lot of time into practicing and preparing.
Anyways, I've forgotten what the point of this blog post was. Haha. Skimming over all that I just wrote, it doesn't really paint a picture that I want to display, but I guess that's just part of me being transparent. I'm doing a lot of searching these days, and helping me process these thoughts through typing and analyzing can only be a good thing.
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