I'm woken up easily 6 out of 7 days. It can take something as simple as hearing faint footsteps of people upstairs to a change in lighting in my room. On the 7th day, Sunday night to Monday morning, I'm unconcious because, of course, I was probably exhausted from Sunday festivities. I usually sleep pretty well if I'm completely drained of energy.
The biggest problem though is my ability to fall asleep. For whatever reason, I have trouble getting to sleep often because of the things that weigh on my mind. My congregation knows pretty well by now that Sunday mornings are tough for me because I don't sleep well on Saturday nights. Some of those nights I don't sleep at all; I just kind of roll around in my bed.
Hard to sleep; easy to wake. That's been the story of my time as a pastor. It's not all terrible though, I get a good amount of sleep most of the time. You do have to remember that I am someone who needs more sleep than the 7 or 8 that people average. Well, I shouldn't say "need"; I prefer 9 hours to 9 and a half hours.
My alarm is usually the radio. But having mentioned that I can be awoken by different things, one thing that's been waking me up on occasion has been some sort of spiritual burden to pray.
In the last couple years, I've found times where at some point during the day, I feel a physical weight to pray for someone or something. It's like an alarm. I'll use the example of the passing of my grandma almost 2 years ago. During that Saturday, something started weighing heavily on me. I had the most eerie feeling that something was going to happen, and that it was going to hurt my family. Later that night at youth group, I get a text that something is wrong. I knew what happened even before I confirmed it with my family. When I got home and my mom confirmed with me that my grandma had indeed passed, it didn't stop me from being filled with grief; but for some reason, I knew it had happened even before I spoke with my mom.
This year, there was an instance where there was one night I was about to go to sleep. I suddenly felt a very odd physical feeling that alarmed me of a friend who was going through a difficult time with regards to that body part. Again, it moved me into prayer.
These types of instances have been happening to me for a while now. I wanted to write it down because I've been in a rather dry season for myself lately. My spiritual life has felt like it's dried up, but I had managed to get by because of the reminder that I still have tasks to do, which can be both a good and bad thing I guess. My life has been teetering on this for roughly 4 or 5 months. It's the tiredness that's caught up to me.
And yet, God has still been giving me affection for the people in my life. More nights than not, I have difficulty praying because in the desert, everything feels bland. So God has gently reminded me of my mortality and how little control I really have over my life. Way to kick me while I'm down right? Haha. But in doing so, coupled with putting these prayer alarms into me, I'm being told that there's still work to do and people to love.
I think for the first time in a little over 2 years, I'm actually experiencing the "labor" part of the work I'm called to.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Set Apart
What we don't talk enough about is a Christian's journey in sanctification, being set apart, holy, like Christ.
Coming back from my ordination retreat this past week, I've been putting more thought into this whole journey of sanctification for a Christian's life. It's clear that, for the person, the core of what we hear in the Gospel is reconciliation, redemption, restoration unto God - use whatever fancy word you like, but what's important is beneath what is truly going on.
In our sessions at the retreat, we talked about the Holy Spirit in one, and then sanctification in the other. The two topics are closely related because we know that the Holy Spirit is the helper Jesus sent to help us, protect us, preserve us, teach us, etc. However, in talking about sanctification, we fell into a bit of a trap, I felt, about how we can cooperate and partner with the Spirit to help us in our journey of sanctification. Though our speaker emphasized it's not about a checklist or something of the sort, in our group discussions, we couldn't escape that concept of having markers to help us gauge where we're at. Eventually, it felt like we just needed to work harder and harder - gotta do more, and gotta try more. Needless to say, I felt a little chapped.
Staying quiet for most of the discussion, my cohort leader finally turned to me and asked me to speak up about how I deal with and teach sanctification for myself and for the community I'm in. I knew what I wanted to say, I just wasn't able to articulate it well enough for my group to get the best sense of everything I wanted to relay. Good thing I was speaking amongst a group of pastors, so I think they eventually understood because I looked at them at one point and they were all intently listening.
When we look at our Gospel, how often do we stress that it's the power of grace that sets us free? The Bible teaches, and so do we, that our salvation is not earned, it's gifted. However, when we come to sanctification, why do we find ourselves back to that "earning" mentality? Have to pray more, have to read more, have to go to church more, have to serve more. So many of these things we're supposed to invest more time and energy into just so we can become more like Christ. Don't get me wrong, it's important; but don't we ever feel overwhelmed?
Jesus said that no one can come to him unless the Father draws them to him. Our salvation takes place when God reveals himself to us, drawing us close to him so we can feel his boundless love and then respond in faith. For me, sanctification works in a similar way. I can't count how many times in my life where I've been told, whether by myself or others, to try harder and do this or do that, just to come away feeling so distant from Christ. Yet, on the other hand, sometimes when I feel compelled to be drawn in by the Spirit because of something, good or bad, that I feel so much more "sanctified" than I ever have through doing stuff.
The experiences where Christ calls me to just let go, to lay myself down at his feet, release any joy or pain I have, I've always come away from those so much stronger and so much more faithful. There's just something about being near to Christ that contributes to my journey of sanctification so much more than trying to do more. By being near Christ, because of his grace that draws me in, he fills me up in order that I may empty myself for his service again.
Sanctification means to be holy, to be set apart for God. We are called to be holy because God, himself, is holy. If salvation is a gift of grace, I don't see why sanctiication would differ so much from it. My sanctification will never be dependent on what I do or how much I try, it'll always be primarily coming back to the well that doesn't run dry. The reason I can get up with renewed faith and strengthened hope is because of Jesus pulling me closer and closer to him, letting myself go and allowing him to do so, in order that I may experience the great love that he has for me.
Coming back from my ordination retreat this past week, I've been putting more thought into this whole journey of sanctification for a Christian's life. It's clear that, for the person, the core of what we hear in the Gospel is reconciliation, redemption, restoration unto God - use whatever fancy word you like, but what's important is beneath what is truly going on.
In our sessions at the retreat, we talked about the Holy Spirit in one, and then sanctification in the other. The two topics are closely related because we know that the Holy Spirit is the helper Jesus sent to help us, protect us, preserve us, teach us, etc. However, in talking about sanctification, we fell into a bit of a trap, I felt, about how we can cooperate and partner with the Spirit to help us in our journey of sanctification. Though our speaker emphasized it's not about a checklist or something of the sort, in our group discussions, we couldn't escape that concept of having markers to help us gauge where we're at. Eventually, it felt like we just needed to work harder and harder - gotta do more, and gotta try more. Needless to say, I felt a little chapped.
Staying quiet for most of the discussion, my cohort leader finally turned to me and asked me to speak up about how I deal with and teach sanctification for myself and for the community I'm in. I knew what I wanted to say, I just wasn't able to articulate it well enough for my group to get the best sense of everything I wanted to relay. Good thing I was speaking amongst a group of pastors, so I think they eventually understood because I looked at them at one point and they were all intently listening.
When we look at our Gospel, how often do we stress that it's the power of grace that sets us free? The Bible teaches, and so do we, that our salvation is not earned, it's gifted. However, when we come to sanctification, why do we find ourselves back to that "earning" mentality? Have to pray more, have to read more, have to go to church more, have to serve more. So many of these things we're supposed to invest more time and energy into just so we can become more like Christ. Don't get me wrong, it's important; but don't we ever feel overwhelmed?
Jesus said that no one can come to him unless the Father draws them to him. Our salvation takes place when God reveals himself to us, drawing us close to him so we can feel his boundless love and then respond in faith. For me, sanctification works in a similar way. I can't count how many times in my life where I've been told, whether by myself or others, to try harder and do this or do that, just to come away feeling so distant from Christ. Yet, on the other hand, sometimes when I feel compelled to be drawn in by the Spirit because of something, good or bad, that I feel so much more "sanctified" than I ever have through doing stuff.
The experiences where Christ calls me to just let go, to lay myself down at his feet, release any joy or pain I have, I've always come away from those so much stronger and so much more faithful. There's just something about being near to Christ that contributes to my journey of sanctification so much more than trying to do more. By being near Christ, because of his grace that draws me in, he fills me up in order that I may empty myself for his service again.
Sanctification means to be holy, to be set apart for God. We are called to be holy because God, himself, is holy. If salvation is a gift of grace, I don't see why sanctiication would differ so much from it. My sanctification will never be dependent on what I do or how much I try, it'll always be primarily coming back to the well that doesn't run dry. The reason I can get up with renewed faith and strengthened hope is because of Jesus pulling me closer and closer to him, letting myself go and allowing him to do so, in order that I may experience the great love that he has for me.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Are We Doing Too Much?
At a glance of the title, and knowing where I'm going, you can already get a sense that the question is redundant.
I had a conversation with a mother today; she's new to our church, only having attended for a couple months, mainly to find a place for her son. There have been an influx of Koreans into our community, it seems, and this mother is among them. Though her family is an interesting case because she married a Chinese man, so she still has that connection to the Chinese culture.
In getting to know her, she's slowly begun to open up to me about why she started attending Newbern with her son. For several weeks, all she ever revealed was that she wants her son to find a Chinese church where he'd enjoy attending.
After service today, I sat down to see how they were doing, and she finally opened up more of what she's been looking for. Through her broken English, I did what I could to understand and allow her to speak; but one thing was very clear to me from everything she said. When she first mentioned it, her concerns about churches in Vancouver instantly gripped me tightly.
From her point of view, she essentially thinks churches seem to be trying to do too much. Everything feels very overwhelming, to a point of having so many programs that really push people to be here, be there, be everywhere. The mom told me that she really just wants a place where she can worship freely and experience fellowship the way it should be done. In her humility, she said she prefers simple and doesn't like the unbelievable amount of program/activity. She continued to say that in her search for a church, big and small, she felt very strongly about the lack of God's presence in many of the church communities.
By this point, I'm completely encaptivated by what she's saying. So I decided to take a step further and ask her why she's kept coming to our church with her son. After stumbling on her words, what I heard was basically that God wants them to be here. For a pastor, there aren't many other words I would rather hear than those that she had spoken.
In 5-10 short minutes, I felt incredibly humbled and challenged to review what I've been doing at Newbern. Do I tend to focus so much on programs that I completely forget about the presence of God in all my ministries? In being asked this question, I am determined to help this mother and her son find what they are looking for. But I can't help but think that there is a lot of truth to what she said. Not out of poor intention, but so many churches are so keen on trying to revive their church that they will resort to so many programs just to attract attendance. When we camp around building programs, people leave when programs leave. If we camp around Christ and his presence, lives are changed and Christ goes with us where we go. So much to dwell on.
The fact that her son said that he enjoys being here already brings me great joy. She helped me understand that her current goal is ultimately to find her son a church where he can belong, and then to find one for herself. In some ways, I hurt for her that she better understands and prefers Korean, but we're unable to provide that for her. So in seeing her sacrifice to break cultural barriers in order for her son to be in touch with the Chinese side of his heritage is very heartwarming to me. I need to do what I can to help her in her journey as well.
While this mother and son have been finding joy and a willingness to be at Newbern, they are actually the ones who are blessing us with their desire to be here.
I had a conversation with a mother today; she's new to our church, only having attended for a couple months, mainly to find a place for her son. There have been an influx of Koreans into our community, it seems, and this mother is among them. Though her family is an interesting case because she married a Chinese man, so she still has that connection to the Chinese culture.
In getting to know her, she's slowly begun to open up to me about why she started attending Newbern with her son. For several weeks, all she ever revealed was that she wants her son to find a Chinese church where he'd enjoy attending.
After service today, I sat down to see how they were doing, and she finally opened up more of what she's been looking for. Through her broken English, I did what I could to understand and allow her to speak; but one thing was very clear to me from everything she said. When she first mentioned it, her concerns about churches in Vancouver instantly gripped me tightly.
From her point of view, she essentially thinks churches seem to be trying to do too much. Everything feels very overwhelming, to a point of having so many programs that really push people to be here, be there, be everywhere. The mom told me that she really just wants a place where she can worship freely and experience fellowship the way it should be done. In her humility, she said she prefers simple and doesn't like the unbelievable amount of program/activity. She continued to say that in her search for a church, big and small, she felt very strongly about the lack of God's presence in many of the church communities.
By this point, I'm completely encaptivated by what she's saying. So I decided to take a step further and ask her why she's kept coming to our church with her son. After stumbling on her words, what I heard was basically that God wants them to be here. For a pastor, there aren't many other words I would rather hear than those that she had spoken.
In 5-10 short minutes, I felt incredibly humbled and challenged to review what I've been doing at Newbern. Do I tend to focus so much on programs that I completely forget about the presence of God in all my ministries? In being asked this question, I am determined to help this mother and her son find what they are looking for. But I can't help but think that there is a lot of truth to what she said. Not out of poor intention, but so many churches are so keen on trying to revive their church that they will resort to so many programs just to attract attendance. When we camp around building programs, people leave when programs leave. If we camp around Christ and his presence, lives are changed and Christ goes with us where we go. So much to dwell on.
The fact that her son said that he enjoys being here already brings me great joy. She helped me understand that her current goal is ultimately to find her son a church where he can belong, and then to find one for herself. In some ways, I hurt for her that she better understands and prefers Korean, but we're unable to provide that for her. So in seeing her sacrifice to break cultural barriers in order for her son to be in touch with the Chinese side of his heritage is very heartwarming to me. I need to do what I can to help her in her journey as well.
While this mother and son have been finding joy and a willingness to be at Newbern, they are actually the ones who are blessing us with their desire to be here.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Honor
Recently, I hit a spot where I was put in my place in a very good way. There are very few times I can recall where I felt so undeservedly honored to a point where I couldn't really bear it.
I went to our middle-aged fellowship gathering (don't know what else to call them, haha) at one of the senior couples' home. When I got there, I was just making my rounds saying hello to everyone when I got to the man of the house, an original founding member of the church I pastor at, and an incredibly wise man.
He asked me if I could spare a few minutes of time with him because he wanted to know how I studied during my devotion time. I was glad to have the chance to share, but I quickly realized that he didn't really ask me what he wanted to ask me. So I get brought into his study room, and I'm blown away by the amount of books and bibles laying around, from shelves to tables, much like a scholar and deeply devoted man would. He started pointing out a little bit of what he did, how he tackled the Word of the Lord, and I was so blown away at how devoted and faithful he had been all these years. I saw commentaries, dictionaries, maps, shelves of notes, teaching material, etc. My initial thoughts were that I could learn from this man, he's got wisdom of generations stored up in his house.
And then the moment came. He turns to me and asks, "Can you give me advice on how I can do a better job in studying the Word?"
Picture an 80 something year old man, essentially bowing down, and asking his 25 year old pastor on advice on how to study the Bible better. I can count on one hand how many moments in my life where I'm so caught off guard by something that I am literally left speechless, unable to open my mouth even if I wanted to. This situation added to that number.
I stood there with a dumbfounded smile on my face, not able to come up with anything to say, because I'm thinking to myself that I should be learning from this man. But instead, he has the grace and humility to ask me on how to do better in studying God's word. Needless to say, I felt embarrassed; I wish I was half the man this guy was in diligence and faithfulness to studying the Word.
Sheepishly, I confessed to him that I think I really should be learning from him, but he asked again. Looking at his anticipation of my response, I simply couldn't offer him anything that I thought would enrich his studying. This man has traveled the world, served tirelessly for years, studies with fire, and is asking me, some dork, who grew up in Edmonton and could barely keep a conversation moving, on how to better study the Bible. Honestly, what can I even say?
My response is irrelevant because I've already been put in my place. Humbled doesn't even begin to describe the honor that I felt that he would ask me. For a while I'd been concerned that I can't make a difference in the lives of those who are beyond my experience and stage in life, but God just really has a way to show me how he's going to use me however he pleases.
It's been a few days and I'm still not over the fact that this happened. I can't help but to praise God for giving me the opportunity to know this man and to learn from his example of humility. What do you even say to that?
I went to our middle-aged fellowship gathering (don't know what else to call them, haha) at one of the senior couples' home. When I got there, I was just making my rounds saying hello to everyone when I got to the man of the house, an original founding member of the church I pastor at, and an incredibly wise man.
He asked me if I could spare a few minutes of time with him because he wanted to know how I studied during my devotion time. I was glad to have the chance to share, but I quickly realized that he didn't really ask me what he wanted to ask me. So I get brought into his study room, and I'm blown away by the amount of books and bibles laying around, from shelves to tables, much like a scholar and deeply devoted man would. He started pointing out a little bit of what he did, how he tackled the Word of the Lord, and I was so blown away at how devoted and faithful he had been all these years. I saw commentaries, dictionaries, maps, shelves of notes, teaching material, etc. My initial thoughts were that I could learn from this man, he's got wisdom of generations stored up in his house.
And then the moment came. He turns to me and asks, "Can you give me advice on how I can do a better job in studying the Word?"
Picture an 80 something year old man, essentially bowing down, and asking his 25 year old pastor on advice on how to study the Bible better. I can count on one hand how many moments in my life where I'm so caught off guard by something that I am literally left speechless, unable to open my mouth even if I wanted to. This situation added to that number.
I stood there with a dumbfounded smile on my face, not able to come up with anything to say, because I'm thinking to myself that I should be learning from this man. But instead, he has the grace and humility to ask me on how to do better in studying God's word. Needless to say, I felt embarrassed; I wish I was half the man this guy was in diligence and faithfulness to studying the Word.
Sheepishly, I confessed to him that I think I really should be learning from him, but he asked again. Looking at his anticipation of my response, I simply couldn't offer him anything that I thought would enrich his studying. This man has traveled the world, served tirelessly for years, studies with fire, and is asking me, some dork, who grew up in Edmonton and could barely keep a conversation moving, on how to better study the Bible. Honestly, what can I even say?
My response is irrelevant because I've already been put in my place. Humbled doesn't even begin to describe the honor that I felt that he would ask me. For a while I'd been concerned that I can't make a difference in the lives of those who are beyond my experience and stage in life, but God just really has a way to show me how he's going to use me however he pleases.
It's been a few days and I'm still not over the fact that this happened. I can't help but to praise God for giving me the opportunity to know this man and to learn from his example of humility. What do you even say to that?
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