Although this "holiday" has pretty much been nonexistant for me over the last three years, happy Chinese new years! I won't lie, I've missed receiving red envolopes. Any form of being Chinese has pretty much been wiped away from me since starting bible college, so I've missed the celebrations a bit.
Since last post, quite a bit has happened actually; but it's rather late, so I don't think I'm going to talk too much about them. To highlight a couple of things, I was blessed to have my family visit me last Saturday to have a little birthday dinner for me at Earl's. I've never wanted my family to come down under any circumstance because I always felt like it's a waste of a day trip for them to come down just to see me. However, it was nice that they drove the hours, and I appreciate it a lot!
One other thing that really stands out for me was being reminded of what it means to be forgiven. I was sitting in my preaching class and my prof was talking about giving a gospel message. When he started talking about forgiveness, I think that it hit home pretty hard.
Basically, my prof was saying how people can be so hard on themselves sometimes for stupid things that they do or mistakes that they make. We KNOW that we don't deserve much in life because of our faults and all our weaknesses - we know it, it's engrained in our soul. But, like always, there's a difference between head knowledge, knowing it, and heart knowledge, REALLY knowing it.
It was a pretty profound moment when I heard that we can be so hard on ourselves for things that we do that sometimes we don't even want to be forgiven. We've failed so hard, fallen so far away from our "standards" or whatever we were aiming for, that we don't even think it's worth a second chance. That's pretty much me. I don't know how I became like this, having such incredibly high, and sometimes even unrealistic, expectations and standards, that when I fail to meet them, I kind of just bow out. I expect so much out of myself, and even other people, that if I see or hear them describing something as somewhat of a success, or a decent accomplishment, when to me it clearly could have been better, I get frustrated.
Then I remembered that God usually picks the people that are most reluctant, those who don't feel like they're skilled, the "lowly," so to speak, to do his good work. God's grace is bigger than our unforgiving selves. Even when we can't look ourselves in the mirror, God does; and not only that, he picks us up, dusts us off, and washes us clean.
I beat myself up like CRAZY when I don't do something the way I wanted to do it, and I don't want to forgive myself. It's almost laughable to me to know that God doesn't care that I've failed endlessly. He's still bigger.
Kind of like my previous post about healing, it's the same thing. We deserve death But God has forgiven us! He forgave you and me! That means, it doesn't matter what we've done; he's willing to look past that, and still bring us back together with him. That's insanity, man! We can't even forgive ourselves for not acing a test, or not playing well enough; but God sees through all the sins that we commit, and when we should be killed for it, he says, "it's okay - I forgive you." I don't know about you, but my reaction is basicaly.. HOLY !@#$
And that's what I've been reminded of a lot since 2013 started: God is bigger. I can just take any presuppositions I have about anything, everything that I've learned in school, all that stuff, and just throw it out the window because God is still bigger. His willingness to forgive our sins is the best news anyone can ever receive; so how do you not just stand there amazed?
It's great news.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Real Life
Yesterday, I talked about how I'd been speechless about most of the term since coming back. Well, one thing came to my mind today.
Something that I've thought a lot about since the beginning of this school year was healing. I had to write papers on healing for a couple of my classes and it has gotten me to think about it quite a bit. For whatever reason, in the Alliance, there's a lot of talk about whether there is healing in the atonement and all that fun stuff. Well, it's not my goal to bore you with all the theology behind the different positions.
My stance on healing is quite simple.
There is brokenness in life. Sin has caused for life to be difficult and stressful. When sin gets a hold of people, it starts to gather and clutter together more and more - just like how dust collects on an old untouched book, etc. Eventually, the sin will lead to brokenness. Brokenness can mean many things, none of which are pleasant in the least.
My view is this: I believe in a God that heals. Nothing is impossible with God; and as a Christian, the same power that raised Jesus from the grave lives inside us. I think we often overlook how profound that is. Think about it for a second. Death, the result of sin, the ceasing of existence, is the final state of a human's life. Jesus, once a human, died the exact same death that everyone else who had died. But by the power of God, Jesus overcame that death. Having accepted Jesus into our lives, that exact same power is the power that lives in us! Honestly! Just writing about it gets me all worked up; is it not the most amazing thing you've come to know?
That's why, to me, it's quite simple. If God can raise Jesus from the very death that we are all entitled to, then surely he can heal any other wimpy brokenness that consumes our lives. There is brokenness everywhere we face, and I believe in a God that can look at that and say, "that is nothing to me; let me be the one to help. Let me be the one to heal you."
It's really tough to understand the full capacity of God's healing power. Fact of the matter is, we can't. We have a tendency to put God in some box and that he's limited to it. We don't do it intentionally; it's just how it is because the only grasp of God that we have is through our own personal life experiences. So if we haven't seen God do something in particular, it's perfectly reasonable to have difficulty understanding that God is able.
Romans 8 is one of my favorite chapters in the entire Bible; so I leave you with this:
9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Something that I've thought a lot about since the beginning of this school year was healing. I had to write papers on healing for a couple of my classes and it has gotten me to think about it quite a bit. For whatever reason, in the Alliance, there's a lot of talk about whether there is healing in the atonement and all that fun stuff. Well, it's not my goal to bore you with all the theology behind the different positions.
My stance on healing is quite simple.
There is brokenness in life. Sin has caused for life to be difficult and stressful. When sin gets a hold of people, it starts to gather and clutter together more and more - just like how dust collects on an old untouched book, etc. Eventually, the sin will lead to brokenness. Brokenness can mean many things, none of which are pleasant in the least.
My view is this: I believe in a God that heals. Nothing is impossible with God; and as a Christian, the same power that raised Jesus from the grave lives inside us. I think we often overlook how profound that is. Think about it for a second. Death, the result of sin, the ceasing of existence, is the final state of a human's life. Jesus, once a human, died the exact same death that everyone else who had died. But by the power of God, Jesus overcame that death. Having accepted Jesus into our lives, that exact same power is the power that lives in us! Honestly! Just writing about it gets me all worked up; is it not the most amazing thing you've come to know?
That's why, to me, it's quite simple. If God can raise Jesus from the very death that we are all entitled to, then surely he can heal any other wimpy brokenness that consumes our lives. There is brokenness everywhere we face, and I believe in a God that can look at that and say, "that is nothing to me; let me be the one to help. Let me be the one to heal you."
It's really tough to understand the full capacity of God's healing power. Fact of the matter is, we can't. We have a tendency to put God in some box and that he's limited to it. We don't do it intentionally; it's just how it is because the only grasp of God that we have is through our own personal life experiences. So if we haven't seen God do something in particular, it's perfectly reasonable to have difficulty understanding that God is able.
Romans 8 is one of my favorite chapters in the entire Bible; so I leave you with this:
9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Mute
It's strange. I've been at a complete loss for words over the last couple of weeks. When I think back at them now, it feels like I've been suspended in some sort of jello, unable to really do much. Since the term had begun, I think all I've really done was go to class or read/watch about hockey.
Interesting to note, since I came back for this term, several other people on the floor have now adopted the two desk setup that I seem to have popularized on our floor. On top of that, I managed to inflict an addiction on half of the guys into that we call LoL. Yes, I started playing League of Legends in mid to late November, and now I got a chunk of guys to play. Quite hilarious. I kind of gave up on StarCraft because the game is kind of broken right now; and add to the fact that LoL is just as addicting as buffalo wing chips or green tea iced tea.
Since 2013 has started, I can already see all the uncomfortable-ness I will be in, if I'm not already in it. I'm taking a preaching class that somehow ended up being about 15 people more than the average preaching class; I have to take an elective, something I have no desire for; I have my final Greek course; and I continue to be challenged in ways that I really haven't been challenged before.
I need to take my class 5 advanced driving exam as well. I could, and I want to, but I am going to hold back on ranting about this. All I'm going to say is that making us do another test is nothing but a way to steal more money from you. Is Alberta the only place in Canada where you have to do a driving test twice?! I actually don't know; so if anyone does, please feel free to tell me. However, I still think that it's really dumb that I have to do the test again before my birthday. LAME!
So, uh, anyways, I've been able to be a part of a cool new youth ministry called Upper Room Youth Ministries. This was the ministry I was talking about back in 2012 about how I got made a worship leader even though I didn't really want to be. It's been a pretty neat experience, and I'm glad that I can feel like I'm somewhat useful.
That's about it. Again, I'm sorry if anyone was expecting more, because it seems like I usually write too much for anyone to care to read. Haha. I just haven't really been able to say much over the last couple of weeks, and I'm not entirely sure why - not only in a blog, but just in general. I think this term is just going to swing by incredibly quickly, and then I'll be on with whatever is next.
Hope everyone has had a wonderful January thus far.
Interesting to note, since I came back for this term, several other people on the floor have now adopted the two desk setup that I seem to have popularized on our floor. On top of that, I managed to inflict an addiction on half of the guys into that we call LoL. Yes, I started playing League of Legends in mid to late November, and now I got a chunk of guys to play. Quite hilarious. I kind of gave up on StarCraft because the game is kind of broken right now; and add to the fact that LoL is just as addicting as buffalo wing chips or green tea iced tea.
Since 2013 has started, I can already see all the uncomfortable-ness I will be in, if I'm not already in it. I'm taking a preaching class that somehow ended up being about 15 people more than the average preaching class; I have to take an elective, something I have no desire for; I have my final Greek course; and I continue to be challenged in ways that I really haven't been challenged before.
I need to take my class 5 advanced driving exam as well. I could, and I want to, but I am going to hold back on ranting about this. All I'm going to say is that making us do another test is nothing but a way to steal more money from you. Is Alberta the only place in Canada where you have to do a driving test twice?! I actually don't know; so if anyone does, please feel free to tell me. However, I still think that it's really dumb that I have to do the test again before my birthday. LAME!
So, uh, anyways, I've been able to be a part of a cool new youth ministry called Upper Room Youth Ministries. This was the ministry I was talking about back in 2012 about how I got made a worship leader even though I didn't really want to be. It's been a pretty neat experience, and I'm glad that I can feel like I'm somewhat useful.
That's about it. Again, I'm sorry if anyone was expecting more, because it seems like I usually write too much for anyone to care to read. Haha. I just haven't really been able to say much over the last couple of weeks, and I'm not entirely sure why - not only in a blog, but just in general. I think this term is just going to swing by incredibly quickly, and then I'll be on with whatever is next.
Hope everyone has had a wonderful January thus far.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Confessions of a Third Year Ministry Student
First things first: HOCKEY'S BACK! I'd lost hope on this season; but, strangely enough, there will be a season! I woke up first thing this morning to find out that the tentative agreement has been made and that hockey would be underway within the next two weeks. Pretty stoked, if you ask me.
Onto some other "house-keeping" items, I honestly cannot believe that Christmas break is over. I think I can genuinely say that this Christmas has gone by the fastest because it was the best Christmas break I've had for as long as I can remember. It's amazing how great life can be without all these deadlines and chores and all the other stuff that we normally abide ourselves to. I was able to live with as much freedom as I believe I'll ever be able to before the big guy comes back.
So, with the new year and school, work, all the things we need to go back to now here, I just want to wish everyone an amazing semester. I pray for the best; but, we have to remember that, sometimes, the best will mean having to stumble or falter a little bit so that we can recalibrate ourselves to that of the bigger picture. I understand how much it sucks for life to hurt. Trust me, and I never wish for anyone to feel any pain. The reality, though, is that we have to suffer, because that's just the nature of the world. The good thing is that we will never suffer for more than what we can handle, even when we think we're defeated for good. So, I hope that everyone can just get out there and kick some ass.
Now to the meat of this blog post!
If anyone ever comes up to me and asks me about anything career related, or what being in ministry is like, I'd tell them straight up to never go into ministry. By going into ministry, you are basically setting yourself up for a life that is, in a way, harder than if you had any other job. People that do this kind of work often don't get paid very well, work 50-60 hour weeks, and have people and other forces attacking you left and right. Burn out is also a very common result of all the work that people in ministry face. Discouragement always lingers as they can go years working their butts off without seeing any sort of fruition. Doubt might be one of the biggest effects of trying to work through issues and in determining what's best for the church. One of the biggest questions you might get from the mainstream society is, "what do you really do?" Agnostics, skeptics, all those types of people might call you fools and pathetic for trying to indoctrinate people of someone and something that may or may not even exist. It's not easy.
I don't think I chose to go into ministry. God had just lined my life up in such a way that the only option I had was to go into ministry. Now, I know I could have always done something else, don't get me wrong, but based on who I am, my personality, characteristics, experience, history, and passions, this was the most reasonable and right choice. I do believe that God has called me to do his work as a full time vocation. Again, it was not my choice to do it. Remember? I went to the UofA to study music; but God pulled me out. So, I managed to respond to and receive the call that God had for me and off I went to bible college.
When I first started, it was such a whirlwind of emotions. I will always remember how I felt when my parents and sister walked out the door after I had moved into my house in Calgary - it's indescribable. For the first time in my life, I had so much interest in the things that I was studying. I'm not anywhere near being an A student. However, all the subjects I studied fascinated me so much that I immediately pulled my overall GPA to 2.7 in my first term after finishing below 2.0 at the UofA. I also began to make sense of everything I had taken for granted as someone who grew up in the church with all the bible stories and what not. Being in school for ministry made sense. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had a purpose.
After my first year, though, things turned in a hurry. My passion died. I was challenged. The honeymoon period was over, and I had to face the realities of having too much of a mountain top experience. I no longer cared about my marks. In fact, for my entire second year, I had only looked at my marks recently. That's right. I finished my entire second year without knowing what my grades were and where my GPA stood. Dangerous, I know. I remember the disappointment I had when I found out I didn't receive any of the scholarships I applied for. At that point, I was wondering, "what the hell am I even doing this for?" I got by with bare minimum. I didn't care if I had a D or an A; as long as I had passed, that's all that mattered. I caved inward. I no longer desired to see anyone, talk to any people, go out to do anything. This was where I began to attack God.
I was furious and relentless in my lashing out against God because I had no idea what was going on. I wanted to give up, move home and just sit there all day. There was no will or desire to even acknowledge God anymore. All of my understanding in life up to that point had been shattered and washed away. Now that I think about it, I can't even fathom how dark a place I was in during that time. Honestly. It's scary.
Halfway through my third year now, I'll say that things have been better; or at least that's what I tell people. And I think it has been better. God has shown me that he still cares for me; he's let me know that watching me go through all that pain had hurt him as much as, maybe even more than, it had hurt me. I'm not sure what I've learned from that experience just yet. Therefore, I'm still partly skeptical about a lot of things right now. I'm still not in the best spot with where my heart is, and that's just as it is with the residue that still lingers. It's selfish, but I've asked God to show up in a very big way for me this year in order to "win me back." Winning me back doesn't mean that I had left, it just means that I want to get back to where I was before I fell so hard on my face.
Here's the thing, though: if I do manage to get back to that blissful state that I was at, is that just setting myself up for another huge fall again? Is it even worth it? Because, to me, it seems the down time is so much longer and the pain hurts so much more than the joy feels that I don't even know if it's worth it. On the flip side of the coin though, do I just want to live a boring and steady life with little to no ups and downs? That would be very boring. Either way, what I've seen and experience since receiving this calling from God has opened my eyes to many things.
Even with the unfortunate things that have happened to me, my heart still burns for the church. And that is why I'm going to stay in ministry. I want so badly for people to not have to be in the dark places that I've been in; but when they get there, I want to help them through it. Am I willing to sacrifice myself to help people? Meaning, I'd get hurt by trying to help fight the spiritual battles for people? I don't know. Everything just seems like such a mess, like nothing is ever going to be resolved. This is why I would tell people to never go into ministry, unless they should.
One final thing. I really cannot handle living like this anymore. I cannot stand having to leave my family and friends for extended amounts of time just so I can "go to school." It's so pathetic the amount of depression I face when I am nearing the time for departure again. I just refuse to keep living this way if I have to go through so many withdrawals that affect the way I behave. I think that literally every single time I've come back to Edmonton, and with a few days left until I have to head back down to Calgary, I feel this sickness deep within me about having to accept the fact that I need to leave. But, life goes on, so what do I know?
I think it's really important to remind people that just because I'm in bible college, it does not mean I'm a stronger Christian or have a higher place with God. I actually kind of laugh at people who might think that. People will never know the kind of spiritual battles we have to face, just like how I would never know the stresses of a surgeon that's trying to save someone's life.
As of now, though, I am still here. I still wonder why God does the things he does. I still fight back when I feel uncomfortable doing something I don't want to do. I still hesitate to tell people I'm in ministry. I'm 21; it still seems pretty young, but I think I've been through enough to say that at this point in my life, I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
My only solution: just keep showing up.
Onto some other "house-keeping" items, I honestly cannot believe that Christmas break is over. I think I can genuinely say that this Christmas has gone by the fastest because it was the best Christmas break I've had for as long as I can remember. It's amazing how great life can be without all these deadlines and chores and all the other stuff that we normally abide ourselves to. I was able to live with as much freedom as I believe I'll ever be able to before the big guy comes back.
So, with the new year and school, work, all the things we need to go back to now here, I just want to wish everyone an amazing semester. I pray for the best; but, we have to remember that, sometimes, the best will mean having to stumble or falter a little bit so that we can recalibrate ourselves to that of the bigger picture. I understand how much it sucks for life to hurt. Trust me, and I never wish for anyone to feel any pain. The reality, though, is that we have to suffer, because that's just the nature of the world. The good thing is that we will never suffer for more than what we can handle, even when we think we're defeated for good. So, I hope that everyone can just get out there and kick some ass.
Now to the meat of this blog post!
If anyone ever comes up to me and asks me about anything career related, or what being in ministry is like, I'd tell them straight up to never go into ministry. By going into ministry, you are basically setting yourself up for a life that is, in a way, harder than if you had any other job. People that do this kind of work often don't get paid very well, work 50-60 hour weeks, and have people and other forces attacking you left and right. Burn out is also a very common result of all the work that people in ministry face. Discouragement always lingers as they can go years working their butts off without seeing any sort of fruition. Doubt might be one of the biggest effects of trying to work through issues and in determining what's best for the church. One of the biggest questions you might get from the mainstream society is, "what do you really do?" Agnostics, skeptics, all those types of people might call you fools and pathetic for trying to indoctrinate people of someone and something that may or may not even exist. It's not easy.
I don't think I chose to go into ministry. God had just lined my life up in such a way that the only option I had was to go into ministry. Now, I know I could have always done something else, don't get me wrong, but based on who I am, my personality, characteristics, experience, history, and passions, this was the most reasonable and right choice. I do believe that God has called me to do his work as a full time vocation. Again, it was not my choice to do it. Remember? I went to the UofA to study music; but God pulled me out. So, I managed to respond to and receive the call that God had for me and off I went to bible college.
When I first started, it was such a whirlwind of emotions. I will always remember how I felt when my parents and sister walked out the door after I had moved into my house in Calgary - it's indescribable. For the first time in my life, I had so much interest in the things that I was studying. I'm not anywhere near being an A student. However, all the subjects I studied fascinated me so much that I immediately pulled my overall GPA to 2.7 in my first term after finishing below 2.0 at the UofA. I also began to make sense of everything I had taken for granted as someone who grew up in the church with all the bible stories and what not. Being in school for ministry made sense. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had a purpose.
After my first year, though, things turned in a hurry. My passion died. I was challenged. The honeymoon period was over, and I had to face the realities of having too much of a mountain top experience. I no longer cared about my marks. In fact, for my entire second year, I had only looked at my marks recently. That's right. I finished my entire second year without knowing what my grades were and where my GPA stood. Dangerous, I know. I remember the disappointment I had when I found out I didn't receive any of the scholarships I applied for. At that point, I was wondering, "what the hell am I even doing this for?" I got by with bare minimum. I didn't care if I had a D or an A; as long as I had passed, that's all that mattered. I caved inward. I no longer desired to see anyone, talk to any people, go out to do anything. This was where I began to attack God.
I was furious and relentless in my lashing out against God because I had no idea what was going on. I wanted to give up, move home and just sit there all day. There was no will or desire to even acknowledge God anymore. All of my understanding in life up to that point had been shattered and washed away. Now that I think about it, I can't even fathom how dark a place I was in during that time. Honestly. It's scary.
Halfway through my third year now, I'll say that things have been better; or at least that's what I tell people. And I think it has been better. God has shown me that he still cares for me; he's let me know that watching me go through all that pain had hurt him as much as, maybe even more than, it had hurt me. I'm not sure what I've learned from that experience just yet. Therefore, I'm still partly skeptical about a lot of things right now. I'm still not in the best spot with where my heart is, and that's just as it is with the residue that still lingers. It's selfish, but I've asked God to show up in a very big way for me this year in order to "win me back." Winning me back doesn't mean that I had left, it just means that I want to get back to where I was before I fell so hard on my face.
Here's the thing, though: if I do manage to get back to that blissful state that I was at, is that just setting myself up for another huge fall again? Is it even worth it? Because, to me, it seems the down time is so much longer and the pain hurts so much more than the joy feels that I don't even know if it's worth it. On the flip side of the coin though, do I just want to live a boring and steady life with little to no ups and downs? That would be very boring. Either way, what I've seen and experience since receiving this calling from God has opened my eyes to many things.
Even with the unfortunate things that have happened to me, my heart still burns for the church. And that is why I'm going to stay in ministry. I want so badly for people to not have to be in the dark places that I've been in; but when they get there, I want to help them through it. Am I willing to sacrifice myself to help people? Meaning, I'd get hurt by trying to help fight the spiritual battles for people? I don't know. Everything just seems like such a mess, like nothing is ever going to be resolved. This is why I would tell people to never go into ministry, unless they should.
One final thing. I really cannot handle living like this anymore. I cannot stand having to leave my family and friends for extended amounts of time just so I can "go to school." It's so pathetic the amount of depression I face when I am nearing the time for departure again. I just refuse to keep living this way if I have to go through so many withdrawals that affect the way I behave. I think that literally every single time I've come back to Edmonton, and with a few days left until I have to head back down to Calgary, I feel this sickness deep within me about having to accept the fact that I need to leave. But, life goes on, so what do I know?
I think it's really important to remind people that just because I'm in bible college, it does not mean I'm a stronger Christian or have a higher place with God. I actually kind of laugh at people who might think that. People will never know the kind of spiritual battles we have to face, just like how I would never know the stresses of a surgeon that's trying to save someone's life.
As of now, though, I am still here. I still wonder why God does the things he does. I still fight back when I feel uncomfortable doing something I don't want to do. I still hesitate to tell people I'm in ministry. I'm 21; it still seems pretty young, but I think I've been through enough to say that at this point in my life, I still have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
My only solution: just keep showing up.
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