I got the awesome privilege of leading worship for the first time at my current church in Calgary. Aside from tripping over a couple of words, I was feeling quite good about the experience.
However, there were some technicalities that I felt rather strange about.
Everything was inverted!
What do I mean?
After having lead worship for several years, I got accustomed to the way the stage is usually set up. As all worship leaders should, I usually stand somewhere near the middle of the stage so I can make good contact with everyone. I had my leading instruments almost always to my right. Lead instruments usually included piano/keys and drum. As I rely heavily on those two instruments to drive the music, I got pretty used to looking back that way when I needed to. Hand gestures or whatever also got pretty good for me as I could pause my strumming for a couple of beats to signal something, and it was pretty straight forward. And generally speaking, I had my own space where I got to lead from - my own bubble, so to speak. In my space, I usually set my music stand to the left, and my mic stand to the right. This allows me an unobstructed view at my lyrics in the case that I need to remember some words. Having the mic stand to the right really allows me to continue singing even if, like I mentioned, I need to give some signals. So that is basically the setup that I usually use.
Today, though, I felt like everything was a violation of what I am so used to. My percussionist was directly behind me and slightly to the left; so looking back, giving signals, and any of that kind of stuff felt really strange as I didn't want to let go of the chord I was strumming to show something. On top of that, I had to share my music stand with the other singer, who was so kind to help sing. But the problem was she was right in my bubble! I didn't have the liberty to "move and groove" like I usually do. So, in that sense, I did feel like I had to hold back at the very least a little bit. My mic stand was on my left, and my music was to my right (since I needed to share it). I'm so not used to seeing my music to the right that I found myself trying to look through my mic stand in order to get to my music sometimes. This thing with looking at music is a nuance that I think a lot of guitarists can relate to. Just like nuances for people when they play piano and drums or whatever else. When I play guitar, I can look to my left a lot easier because my left hand is the one that is changing chords; so it will be natural that I can take a quick peak down to the left to make sure my hands are in the right position. That really took attention from singing the songs and into trying to get the words right. So basically, the set up on this stage was inverted from what I am used to.
I've realized how lucky I was to have access to so much space on the stage though. At SGAC, the worship team is basically pushed to a little corner because if they were anymore central-staged, they would be blocking the projector.
Also, I know we complain about equipment, cables not working, monitors not good, a bad sound board, etc. But, I think I'm just going to go into every worship thinking that there could always be worse. I don't get to lead the way I'm "comfortable" with when I'm leading here, but I think that's why it is so cool being able to lead in a different environment.
I think that aside from one occasion at YIC in my senior year of high school, I've lead basically the same way at NEAC and at CCBC. So, now that I've gotten my first experience out of the way, and even though I sang songs that pretty much no one knew, it was pretty awesome.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Uneasy
Some time back in September, I asked the head pastor of the English congregation at SGAC for some help with homework. He said that he'd be glad to help, but preferred to get together sooner rather than later. I was excited because I have a lot of respect for him as a person and I always want to hear what he has to say about something. Since this assignment wasn't due until later October, I said that it wasn't a rush for him to commit some time out of his busy week to meet with me; but regardless, he suggested that we got together sooner.
And so we did, got together with the other English pastor, for a lunch and they answered all my questions.
Today, the church found out that the elder board and the head English pastor has agreed to part ways. I wasn't quite sure what to think of it when the announcement came. Early in the service, it was announced that we should stay behind afterward for an important announcement that was going to be made by the elder board.
Originally, I was going to write my empowerment post tonight; but, this topic has really bothered me the entire day since finding out. So, in order to get some of my thoughts out, I will recollect the morning a little bit.
I have to admit that I wasn't exactly sure how to react, partly because I didn't really sense many reactions from the rest of the people. I almost want to think that people were so shocked that they couldn't respond at all. Quite honestly, although it caught me off guard, I can't say that I was really surprised to see the parting of ways. Given the situation that the elder board described the situation of the church moving forward, I can understand the decision. That doesn't mean, however, that it really softened the blow.
It wasn't until after we were dismissed when I started to see some reactions from people. I kind of took it really badly and just left without notice. Even though I can understand the move, I was, and still am, very upset. First of all, you just never want to see people go like this - especially with pastors, whose jobs are to connect with people. So, when pastors leave, it's not taken well because of the relationships that they create with their church. Secondly, I really looked up to this pastor. I have so much respect for who he is as a person and as a pastor that it really stung for me to only have gotten a little over a year to get to know him.
I had spent three consecutive weekends away from SGAC, with last week being my first week back. I had found it strange that even though the head pastor wasn't in charge of anything specific, but he still wasn't around. When I started to piece things together, everything began to make sense. He wanted to get to helping me with my homework earlier because he had to have been in the final processes of making this decision to step down when I approached him. So, in order to still be polite, he was willing to help. And with the accounts of not being at church for the two weeks since I came back, I can't even imagine the amount of distractions there'd be if I knew I was leaving, but still had to minister.
So I'm incredibly upset, and probably will be for quite a while. I'm not going to talk about the reason(s) for this change in the church because that will include a lot of speculation based on my observations, which might lead to some false assumptions - and those would be bad. But basically, based on what I have seen and observed, I understand the move. So, while I'm upset, it's not as devastating as it could have been; and who knows, I might have even matured a little bit to a point where I don't want to let these emotions affect me too much - especially given the very real possibility of me being in a similar position in the future.
You never want to see good people leave; but, the reality is that they do. So, I want to thank Ps. Ken for all that he's done for SGAC, everything from before I arrived to the year that I got to spend hearing his heart for God.
I think it's just going to have to be one of the times where I just sit here for a long enough time, let everything soak in, and then get up and move on. There's nothing that can be done, so there's no use sulking.
And so we did, got together with the other English pastor, for a lunch and they answered all my questions.
Today, the church found out that the elder board and the head English pastor has agreed to part ways. I wasn't quite sure what to think of it when the announcement came. Early in the service, it was announced that we should stay behind afterward for an important announcement that was going to be made by the elder board.
Originally, I was going to write my empowerment post tonight; but, this topic has really bothered me the entire day since finding out. So, in order to get some of my thoughts out, I will recollect the morning a little bit.
I have to admit that I wasn't exactly sure how to react, partly because I didn't really sense many reactions from the rest of the people. I almost want to think that people were so shocked that they couldn't respond at all. Quite honestly, although it caught me off guard, I can't say that I was really surprised to see the parting of ways. Given the situation that the elder board described the situation of the church moving forward, I can understand the decision. That doesn't mean, however, that it really softened the blow.
It wasn't until after we were dismissed when I started to see some reactions from people. I kind of took it really badly and just left without notice. Even though I can understand the move, I was, and still am, very upset. First of all, you just never want to see people go like this - especially with pastors, whose jobs are to connect with people. So, when pastors leave, it's not taken well because of the relationships that they create with their church. Secondly, I really looked up to this pastor. I have so much respect for who he is as a person and as a pastor that it really stung for me to only have gotten a little over a year to get to know him.
I had spent three consecutive weekends away from SGAC, with last week being my first week back. I had found it strange that even though the head pastor wasn't in charge of anything specific, but he still wasn't around. When I started to piece things together, everything began to make sense. He wanted to get to helping me with my homework earlier because he had to have been in the final processes of making this decision to step down when I approached him. So, in order to still be polite, he was willing to help. And with the accounts of not being at church for the two weeks since I came back, I can't even imagine the amount of distractions there'd be if I knew I was leaving, but still had to minister.
So I'm incredibly upset, and probably will be for quite a while. I'm not going to talk about the reason(s) for this change in the church because that will include a lot of speculation based on my observations, which might lead to some false assumptions - and those would be bad. But basically, based on what I have seen and observed, I understand the move. So, while I'm upset, it's not as devastating as it could have been; and who knows, I might have even matured a little bit to a point where I don't want to let these emotions affect me too much - especially given the very real possibility of me being in a similar position in the future.
You never want to see good people leave; but, the reality is that they do. So, I want to thank Ps. Ken for all that he's done for SGAC, everything from before I arrived to the year that I got to spend hearing his heart for God.
I think it's just going to have to be one of the times where I just sit here for a long enough time, let everything soak in, and then get up and move on. There's nothing that can be done, so there's no use sulking.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Redeemed
Thanksgiving is technically over, but I got a little preoccupied with playing StarCraft. Haha. However, I will still blog about Thanksgiving!
Normally, I try to be rather witty with my Thanksgiving-related blogs; but this time, I think I've got something to be real thankful for.
Last year, around this time, I had a visit to someone's house. It was a really fun visit; we talked about all-things church related, and even had dinner. After dinner, it was getting late and it was about time for me to head back to school. The drive to his house took me a little over half an hour, so it was a bit of a trek. About five minutes into my drive after leaving his house, I noticed a red light that was turned on when I looked at my dashboard. It looked like some kind of battery light, but I didn't think much of it because I had never seen such a thing before. It was exactly that, having never seen such a thing before, that probably changed the rest of my school year. A few minutes later, at a stop light, the light turns green, and as I pressed on the gas, my car didn't want to go. I was confused, so I pushed a little more, resulting in a loud revving noise from the engine. I was almost in a state of shock, at this point, seeing that my car didn't want to go.
And it finally hit me, that the light that had come on must've meant something. The remaining half hour of the drive became one of the worst nightmares in my life that had become real. As I kept driving, the car felt weaker and weaker by the minute. With still about five minutes left in the commute, it had gotten to a point where all my lights were gone, dashboard frozen, and I was literally driving in the dark. I flipped my hazards on, praying that my car can make it uphill back to school. By the grace of God, I managed to pull into the school parking lot. And as I turned off the car, I rested my head on the steering wheel for about five minutes, thinking about what could have just happened if my car didn't make it.
Before I stepped out of the car, I tried to start the car again. And to my expectation, the car didn't start - it couldn't, there was no turnover. Having never experienced this before, I walked back to my room as angry as I had been in years. On one hand, I was so grateful that I got back to school; but on the other hand, I couldn't understand why my car had to go through that. Eventually, after some time, all the issues were resolved, and my car was able to drive again.
Little did I know, that that little spurt of anger was what began to be the biggest collapse in my spiritual faith that I had ever experienced. Almost every aspect in my life began to free fall, falling out of favor in almost every regard. Within a month, I was on the brink of walking away from God, from Christianity. The only thing that kept me tied down was the fact that I was at a Bible college - ironic, isn't it?
By the time Christmas rolled around, I cannot even come close to expressing the amount of relief I had as I drove past the "Welcome to Edmonton" sign as I began my Christmas holiday. At that point, I was so far away from God that I would purposefully find reasons to attack his integrity and sovereignty. For example, the relief to me was the feeling of liberation from the hellhole that God had put me in which was Calgary, only to be cynical about what sort of terrible things would happen to me over the break.
All I really did was keep living. Eventually, a broken heart was mended, and wounds healed. Scars remain, and my self-confidence is still shaky; but I am standing on my feet once again.
This October, I am thankful, not for having gone through such a time in my life where it made me stronger, but the fact that God refused to give up on me even when I intentionally attacked his character, bashfully criticized his goodness, insulting his love, and was about to return the gift that he had freely given me when I did not even deserve it in the first place. I look back at the year now, and I am quite embarrassed for the way I had acted. It took weeks of solitude, where I had removed myself from anything that would remind me of the evils that had knocked me down, in order for me to give this thing another try. I'm thankful to all the friends that were willing to watch me rip everything apart, tear it all down, and help me pick up all the pieces scattered everywhere and rebuild them with me.
And lastly, I am thankful that when I'm blinded from the ways that are pure and righteous, there God stands to carry me through the darkness until I am able to see again.
Happy Thanksgiving! (=
Normally, I try to be rather witty with my Thanksgiving-related blogs; but this time, I think I've got something to be real thankful for.
Last year, around this time, I had a visit to someone's house. It was a really fun visit; we talked about all-things church related, and even had dinner. After dinner, it was getting late and it was about time for me to head back to school. The drive to his house took me a little over half an hour, so it was a bit of a trek. About five minutes into my drive after leaving his house, I noticed a red light that was turned on when I looked at my dashboard. It looked like some kind of battery light, but I didn't think much of it because I had never seen such a thing before. It was exactly that, having never seen such a thing before, that probably changed the rest of my school year. A few minutes later, at a stop light, the light turns green, and as I pressed on the gas, my car didn't want to go. I was confused, so I pushed a little more, resulting in a loud revving noise from the engine. I was almost in a state of shock, at this point, seeing that my car didn't want to go.
And it finally hit me, that the light that had come on must've meant something. The remaining half hour of the drive became one of the worst nightmares in my life that had become real. As I kept driving, the car felt weaker and weaker by the minute. With still about five minutes left in the commute, it had gotten to a point where all my lights were gone, dashboard frozen, and I was literally driving in the dark. I flipped my hazards on, praying that my car can make it uphill back to school. By the grace of God, I managed to pull into the school parking lot. And as I turned off the car, I rested my head on the steering wheel for about five minutes, thinking about what could have just happened if my car didn't make it.
Before I stepped out of the car, I tried to start the car again. And to my expectation, the car didn't start - it couldn't, there was no turnover. Having never experienced this before, I walked back to my room as angry as I had been in years. On one hand, I was so grateful that I got back to school; but on the other hand, I couldn't understand why my car had to go through that. Eventually, after some time, all the issues were resolved, and my car was able to drive again.
Little did I know, that that little spurt of anger was what began to be the biggest collapse in my spiritual faith that I had ever experienced. Almost every aspect in my life began to free fall, falling out of favor in almost every regard. Within a month, I was on the brink of walking away from God, from Christianity. The only thing that kept me tied down was the fact that I was at a Bible college - ironic, isn't it?
By the time Christmas rolled around, I cannot even come close to expressing the amount of relief I had as I drove past the "Welcome to Edmonton" sign as I began my Christmas holiday. At that point, I was so far away from God that I would purposefully find reasons to attack his integrity and sovereignty. For example, the relief to me was the feeling of liberation from the hellhole that God had put me in which was Calgary, only to be cynical about what sort of terrible things would happen to me over the break.
All I really did was keep living. Eventually, a broken heart was mended, and wounds healed. Scars remain, and my self-confidence is still shaky; but I am standing on my feet once again.
This October, I am thankful, not for having gone through such a time in my life where it made me stronger, but the fact that God refused to give up on me even when I intentionally attacked his character, bashfully criticized his goodness, insulting his love, and was about to return the gift that he had freely given me when I did not even deserve it in the first place. I look back at the year now, and I am quite embarrassed for the way I had acted. It took weeks of solitude, where I had removed myself from anything that would remind me of the evils that had knocked me down, in order for me to give this thing another try. I'm thankful to all the friends that were willing to watch me rip everything apart, tear it all down, and help me pick up all the pieces scattered everywhere and rebuild them with me.
And lastly, I am thankful that when I'm blinded from the ways that are pure and righteous, there God stands to carry me through the darkness until I am able to see again.
Happy Thanksgiving! (=
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Getting There
I've now come home two weeks straight - pretty awesome, if you ask me. I didn't tell anyone that I was coming home last week; so of course, I caught several people by surprise. It's always neat to know that people at least somewhat care about you by knowing when you're supposed to be back and when you're not. Nevertheless, I enjoyed my weekend home last week; and now, I get to do it all over again!
I was quite looking forward to coming home this weekend. I'm looking forward to the turkey tomorrow! Also, even though I dread driving by myself for long distances, the drives definitely do seem a lot shorter now that I've probably driven back and forth from Edmonton to Calgary upwards of 20 or 30 times in the last three years. This weekend, I had a couple friends accompany me on the way up too, so that helped even more with killing time. Lastly, I have to thank my car for holding up. I push the little guy so hard, I always get scared that it's going to die again. Don't get me wrong, the life isn't going to last me a whole lot longer; but it's definitely got enough to get me past this year, I think.
Onto the obligatory school news, assignment deadlines are definitely starting to surface. I handed in a review on an article about liberation theology this past week and got an A, so I'm quite glad about it, given the fact that I waited until the night before to do it. Oops. I'm a notorious slow starter with school work and such, as you already know, so I'm really glad that my first couple assignments have come and gone, and now I can really get into the groove of nailing down papers and other things that I need to do.
Also, I was apparently to lead worship this weekend at South Gate Alliance. But because I'm back home, I needed someone to cover for me; so unfortunately, I will have to wait a bit more until I get my first crack at leading worship at SGAC. Honestly, I'm quite nervous about it. I've never lead worship at this church, and since people don't really know me very much, I'm not sure how they will respond to my leading style. I just hope that it isn't so much about me on the stage, but focusing on what is the real matter at hand. So, I'm nervous, but I'm excited!
Finally, if I don't write again in the next couple days, happy Thanksgiving to everyone! This isn't one of the two things I said I wanted to write about, but I'm going to get to them soon! I just have to find a time and place where I can sit down for an hour or so, and just spill it all out.
This song has been on repeat over the last month or so. Even if you don't like this type of music, I think it's worth a listen!
I was quite looking forward to coming home this weekend. I'm looking forward to the turkey tomorrow! Also, even though I dread driving by myself for long distances, the drives definitely do seem a lot shorter now that I've probably driven back and forth from Edmonton to Calgary upwards of 20 or 30 times in the last three years. This weekend, I had a couple friends accompany me on the way up too, so that helped even more with killing time. Lastly, I have to thank my car for holding up. I push the little guy so hard, I always get scared that it's going to die again. Don't get me wrong, the life isn't going to last me a whole lot longer; but it's definitely got enough to get me past this year, I think.
Onto the obligatory school news, assignment deadlines are definitely starting to surface. I handed in a review on an article about liberation theology this past week and got an A, so I'm quite glad about it, given the fact that I waited until the night before to do it. Oops. I'm a notorious slow starter with school work and such, as you already know, so I'm really glad that my first couple assignments have come and gone, and now I can really get into the groove of nailing down papers and other things that I need to do.
Also, I was apparently to lead worship this weekend at South Gate Alliance. But because I'm back home, I needed someone to cover for me; so unfortunately, I will have to wait a bit more until I get my first crack at leading worship at SGAC. Honestly, I'm quite nervous about it. I've never lead worship at this church, and since people don't really know me very much, I'm not sure how they will respond to my leading style. I just hope that it isn't so much about me on the stage, but focusing on what is the real matter at hand. So, I'm nervous, but I'm excited!
Finally, if I don't write again in the next couple days, happy Thanksgiving to everyone! This isn't one of the two things I said I wanted to write about, but I'm going to get to them soon! I just have to find a time and place where I can sit down for an hour or so, and just spill it all out.
This song has been on repeat over the last month or so. Even if you don't like this type of music, I think it's worth a listen!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Distant Future: Big Topics!
For anyone that cares, I've been lining up a couple of topics that I'm going to write about. So far, I have two topics that are pretty set, and have a good framework as well. I guarantee that they'll be rather long because I'll be exhausting most of what I know and feel toward the two topics. So, hopefully they'll make my blog a little less dull in that it's not just about me whining about how my life is so boring!
The two topics that are first up are: empowerment and stories.
They are pretty different topics, but they are two things that have taken over my life in the last couple of years.
So, keep on the lookout! I'll try to get them up as soon as I can!
The two topics that are first up are: empowerment and stories.
They are pretty different topics, but they are two things that have taken over my life in the last couple of years.
So, keep on the lookout! I'll try to get them up as soon as I can!
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