Beyond.Belief

Unsettling

2012-02-13T00:34:00.001-07:00

Over at my Tumblr, I wrote a brief post: click to read!

Having worked with kids for so many years, and just having worked with teens and other youth over the last couple years, I often forget how much more developed these people are intellectually. What that basically means is that your typical Sunday School answers just don't work anymore.

I've had the pleasure to have some really animated discussions with a few teens over the last year and a half. Most of the time, I'm almost 100% sure that what I had to say was not nearly good enough for them. And to be quite honest, I don't want it to be; I want it so that it stirs up their curiosity so that they can go search for the answers themselves.

Since coming to Calgary, I've sat in on some really interesting conversations during fellowship or Sunday school. And since I'm almost never the primary teacher, I don't usually say much. The times that I do say something is usually when someone directly asks me to give an answer. And even then, I don't give the answers I want to give because based on what I've learned and what I know, it takes far more than the fifteen seconds or whatever that I typically have to answer in a reasonable way.

Due to some unfortunate circumstances on a few occasions, I've really felt the need to jump in because the questions were being asked, but the answers were really bad. I'm not trying to throw people under the bus because the best questions that get asked are usually the ones that we cannot possibly answer. But even though we don't have a solid "this is the answer", we can take what we do have and provide a reasoning that kind of, to be frank, makes the question really redundant. And so when such a situation arises, I really feel an urge to say something (and it's hard to say this without coming across as cocky) in order to kind of "right the ship".

By righting the ship, it doesn't mean that I have the answer because quite frankly, I have asked the same questions before as well. The answer that I give is usually what I have come to at the time that I answer it based on my experience and learning. I know that there is no way my answer will ever be good enough, but it's only my hope that it's enough to get someone thinking enough so that they want to go search for the answers themselves. Therefore, righting the ship really means to just steer the conversation back into the right direction. Because quite honestly, I've heard some incredibly shaky answers that have the potential to be very disastrous.

Anyways, enough rambling (=

One more week until I get to be home for a week! Here's hoping to good weather next weekend!

Winter For Champs

2012-02-06T00:20:00.000-07:00

I know nobody really cares, but I've been wearing flip flops for much of the last couple weeks. If that doesn't sound too weird, it is currently the middle of winter - February.

This winter, I have pulled out my winter jacket twice. The first time was to play ice hockey. The other time was the random cold day (below -20), and I needed to go get groceries.

Over the last several days, I have also been playing ultimate frisbee outside in the courtyard. Strangely enough, a lot of people like to play in the dark so we can't see the frisbee at all. But that's why it's so fun.

It has also been warm enough that I've set the thermostat in my room to 15 degrees. A normal winter would probably have me want to make sure it was at least 20 in the house.

This is a winter for champs.

In other news, I don't think there's a whole lot of "new" to talk about. This term has been, and will continue to be, rather busy. Tomorrow, I'll finally be able to give my first speech in my public speaking class. It was supposed to be last week, but we ran out of time; so I had to be nervous for another week.

Church has been fun, I guess. There's a Valentines Day thing coming up this Friday and I'll be involved with that. Personally, I think Valentines Day is really dumb and degrading for the people who are single. Singles-awareness Day is about the best way to describe it, because that's what it really is.

Hmm, what else can I write? I guess a little more about my spiritual health is okay. During my fight with God, there was a period of a week or two where I seriously considered giving up my vocation, my faith. The funny thing about that was how, based on my experience, I knew exactly how things were and are supposed to play out. That was the main reason for why I wanted to quit. I found it really stupid, and still do a little, about how things have to work the ways that they do. I hated how inferior we are. And I'm also going to admit that I called God a selfish God for having everything need to point to him. What that means is that all of the "all glory to God" or "every breath I take is because of and for God" type of stuff is all God-centered and needed to be. The whole idea of "we're helpless unless we have God" made me call God an attention whore.

That's not even the worst parts of my fight.

But as hindsight has it, I do take a lot of the blame for being stupid and narrow-minded. It's now motivating me to try to really focus on my attitude. I took my generally positive demeanor for granted for a lot of my life, and so I guess I just want to be able to restart the way I go about it - not being happy for the sake of being happy, but having the reason to do it I guess.

So, where I stand now, I'm still not happy with the way God does things, but I'm more accepting of it. I'm just going to keep going and see where I end up.

Wow, this post ended up much longer than I had originally planned! Haha!

Phases

2012-02-02T00:47:00.001-07:00

Am I the only person that is really stoked that this year is a leap year? From what I've seen so far, people seem more excited about Groundhog Day tomorrow than the fact that we get to live an extra day this year! What that means is that I get to be 21 an extra day longer than I got to be 20, or 22.

I'm a dork, I know.

Anyways, we had a two hour floor meeting tonight so that's why I didn't get to blog until past midnight. We were doing some encouragement thing with yarn so it took forever. It was really nice to have positivity spread around the pod and to know that there are some nice people.

Recently, I've been thinking about all the phases, or all the fads, that happen over the years. To illustrate, I will briefly walk through some of the phases I've experienced in my life.

Pogs! I was incredibly young so I never really did a whole lot with them.
Pokemon! Might be the biggest fad I caught onto.
Yu-Gi-Oh and Beyblade! At the same time, these things popped up and consumed hours, as well as dollars, of my life.
And then in high school and onward, there weren't really any dominant trends because there were quite a few that could go on over a period of time.

So now that I think about it, I own a lot of these things that are just kind of sitting around the place that I really don't touch anymore. So with the things that I am currently aware of, such as Rubik's cubes (even though they're not mine), speed Scrabble, etc., etc., I kind of wonder in a couple of years where will they be collecting dust? Not trying to be cynical, but I can't help think that eventually, we're going to all grow out of these phases that we're in and then we will have "wasted" so much time and money developing these "skills" or whatever you want to call them, just to have moved on to other things.

And then I think about how we're always like, "ooh the things in this world will all pass away, and all our treasure in heaven will be eternal." I guess that passing away part is already evident. Because even though all of these things have shaped who I am and who we are, what do they really mean in the grand scheme of things? What or how are they really represented in who I am. Does having beat every single Pokemon game affect who I am on a day to day basis right now? Probably not. Does doing magic trick really affect the way I go about business? Other than maybe impressing a girl here or there, I doubt it.

So I guess it's one thing to jump on a bandwagon, but a whole different monster to be someone that starts a trend or phase. Kudos to those that have been successful in starting some, or renewing some.

I wonder what the next one will be? Selling all our belongings because the world is ending this year?

HAHA!

Turnaround?

2012-01-24T23:47:00.000-07:00

Given my blogging frequency over the last couple of months, going a week without really feeling the need to blog is pretty weird. I almost felt obligated to just write something down so I don't feel bad about not logging onto Blogspot! Haha.

I did, however, think of a couple things I could potentially blog about over the last couple of days though; I just hadn't gotten around to it until now.

Strange, considering that on a day to day basis, I don't really have a NEED to wake up until 10:30am at the earliest (other than church), but I've still been quite tired over the last couple of days for whatever reason. I start classes at 11:15am on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but it's at 1:00pm every other day. I don't really stay up that late either, so I'm not sure why I am so tired! Maybe because I am always sitting down and don't really move a whole lot.

But anyways, I know I have bitched and moaned about pretty much everything lately, so I am sorry for that. I have to thank you so much for dealing with all of this! You, being whoever reads my stuff and takes time out to think about me. You're awesome. By the way, I know I can sometimes let out a curse word here and there, but in those times, curse words are the only way I can really use to fully express and get across what I'm trying to relay. Generally, I advocate against using them, but I do think there is a place for them in an everyday vocabulary. The only reason these "swear words" can be looked so harshly upon is because of the abuse they get in society. I came to this conclusion because one of my profs, during a class last term, used "bitching" in something he was saying and it kind of caught everyone off guard. I later came to think that in what he was saying, given the context and everything, that that was the right word to use because it helped him say what he needed to say. So yes, I do think swearing is okay given the right context; of course, you will try to avoid it, but it can be justified in certain times.

Moving on... Over the last few days, I noticed something really weird about myself. I am slowly becoming myself again! There were some really random moments in my day where I might have caught myself being joyful. After being in the dumps for more or less two or three months, I didn't know what it meant to be joyful anymore - or I'd forgotten. So the first time I found myself enjoying a specific time in my day, I was completely baffled at it. And over the course of the last couple days, I noticed it a few more times.

And when I think about it, there were a lot of little things that I did or unintentionally did that helped me get here. A lot of the things that I did were really cheesy and stupid, things you don't think I'd normally do. If you ask me, I really don't think I have a point or an event that lead me to this turnaround; it just sort of happened.

To finish off this post, I want to credit this man for being able to explain some of my favorite things better than I could ever dream of explaining them. These two videos basically sum up the way I normally live and the way I think we can all live to be able to make the most out of life. If you have some time in your day, give them a watch! I know this is a nerd talking about these things, but it's a lot more insightful than you might think. Trust me! I've linked them on my Tumblr a while ago, but I will put them here too!

^-- [Day9 on emotion]

^-- [Day9 on positivity]

I will watch these videos again before I go to bed. ^^;

Looking Ahead This Term

2012-01-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

Because, for whatever reasons, our school like to start terms on Wednesdays, I finally got to have my "first class" for my final class this term, today. It is somewhat inconvenient because by this time, we're almost back full fledged into our routines and such. So suddenly having to plop in a class on Monday for the first time, it makes it seem a little awkward and lagging behind.

But anyways, since coming back to Calgary, I've become a ton more reserved. I'm not too sure why, but I just have had no desire to get involved with anything outside my room unless it was something I couldn't resist. So other than getting food, I left my room just a few times. As for anything of any significance, I played futsal one night. I must say that, not having kicked a ball since November (when I got shin splints), I was rather rusty. And because I hadn't built up any strength in my legs since doing pretty much nothing with them for a month and a half, I couldn't kick the ball properly. Haha. Also, early in September, I broke my juggling record again (I forget the exact number), but for the few times I tried last week, I had trouble breaking 20. /sadface

Yesterday, I rented some skates (because I left mine at home) and went to play some hockey at an outdoor rink nearby. For someone that hadn't skated since probably high school, I did okay. Other than my feet hurting FAR too much because the skates don't fit my feet width-wise, I was reminded of how bad a skater I am. I have no problem skating forward, making little turns here and there, and turning left via crossovers, but other than that, I clearly lacked the ability that I needed to keep up with the best players that played. Considering some of the guys that went actually play hockey, I guess it isn't a fair comparison! Anyways, I seem to always manage to pull off something crazy every game I play in sports. I had a breakaway and so I decided to try to be cheeky and pulled a move that required sticking my stick and puck underneath and between my own legs and then flipping it up into the net. Well, suffice to say, I pulled it off, then tripped over my own stick, fell onto the ice and made it seem like I did that on purpose by rolling over a few times flapping my arms and legs in the air. Embarrassing!

After some incredible fun, I woke up today with my hamstrings and quad muscles insanely sore! But it was worth it.

Ummm, coming back to the "school" side of things, I am not overly eager for this term because it is going to be incredibly busy. And especially now that winter has decided to finally pay everyone a visit, I'm more inclined to just hermit in my room more than I originally would have wanted to. Luckily, I still have one class that I will look forward to going to because it is taught by my favorite professor and advisor, Bill McAlpine! It is a Foundations to Church Ministry class - exactly the stuff that I am passionate about! Other than that though, I'm not too excited. As today was my first public speaking class, my prof sang us songs - awkward! It was incredibly cheesy. Unfortunately.

With the rest of my classes, it's a lot of repetitive and dry things, so I might not be too excited for much this term. With my practicum, I just hope that my heart can adjust to this church because I am honestly not doing a very good job to be excited to serve. It's so different from home and CCBC last year; I was so excited and took so much time out to prepare and think about the things I need or want to do at home, but with this church, it's a struggle. I actually wonder if it's because this is labeled as a practicum and I am being monitored and all that. Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I guess I have gained a little bit of experience in what it's like to not really want to, or at least be a little reluctant to, do ministry.

Homework starts tomorrow! Good thing I will be accompanied by this amazing track! So dreamy <3

Wait A Minute

2012-01-12T11:30:00.002-07:00

Last night, a video surfaced all over the internet about a guy's poem saying how he loves Jesus but hates religion. While everyone seemed so blown away by what he said, I watched it a few more times and didn't really find myself all that fascinated. If you haven't seen it, here it is.

I give the guy props for what he did because I, for one, probably would never have the guts to make such a declaration in the fashion that he did. The poem was well written and you can tell he knows his stuff. So when I took a deeper look, this is what I've found.

First and foremost, I think the reason that any of us who relate to this is because we are Christians ourselves. Being Christians, it's very obvious, to a point where even "blind" see, that on a universal scale, we get thrown in with the rest of the "religions" in this world. And while everything in this video is quite true - yes, Christianity is quite different from most faiths - I didn't find it to be anything that profound. Well, you might be thinking "I just liked it because it's a good refresher, stop overreacting." I know quite well, and from experience, that things that you heard in this video will re-surface in time without you even knowing it. Anyways...

Jefferson Bethke, the man that wrote this, seems to be trying to separate Christianity with the rest of the world's religions. There's a lot of things in the video that Jefferson didn't address, so it's not safe for me to be assuming things like what caused him to write a poem like this; therefore, I can only speak from my own findings relating to what he said.

Many years ago, I was in this exact position that Jefferson is. I hated being called a "Christian" because I would look at the societies in this world and what sort of perceptions that arose if I told someone that I am a Christian. Not only with the way Christians are viewed, but I thought that people who didn't label themselves with any particular faith, they would probably just throw Christianity into a group with the rest of the religions in this world. So when people asked me, I told them that I am a follower of Jesus. As time progressed and as I grew older, I learned that being a follower of Jesus is really sketchy.

This character of Jesus defines what Christianity is, and at the same time it doesn't. What sets the boundaries for the different faiths is their view of who Jesus is and was. Most religions won't deny the existence of Jesus; the conflicts are found in who Jesus was. Some say that he was just a prophet, or a very influential person, a great teacher, etc. So by saying that I follow Jesus, what does that really mean? Because I could believe that Jesus was just a very influential person, nothing more, and still be a follower of him - much like if I was to say that I follow the teachings of Gandhi. Christianity sees Jesus as the one and only son of God, that he is one of the three persons in the Holy Trinity - fully God and fully human - and that he came to this earth to live a sin-free life and act as the sacrifice for our sins by dying on the cross in order for us to have a chance to be reunited with God. Three days after Jesus died, he rose again and ascended to the right hand of God. For simplicity's sake, I'm going to leave it there; but I think you should get the point of what I'm trying to say because for other religions, they won't agree with one or more of those points about who Jesus was.

So, coming back to this poem and video, this is why I don't think it's that mind blowing. Yes, it was very good and refreshing in helping us understand that we as Christians are different; but none of this should ever come as a surprise. For myself, I tried to distinguish myself as different when I was in this stage of my life because I didn't want to be put in the same category as those people that call themselves Christians and then go and sin left and right.

Then, when I started to read and study more of what the Bible says about our life as Christians, I began to learn that it's really no big deal - all of this is expected to happen. Jesus, himself, told his disciples that when they go do what Jesus commanded them to do, that they will be persecuted and mocked and every other bad thing you can find. As the Scriptures kept going, it was exactly what happened. And even further into the New Testament, there are some great passages that talk about this whole living as a Christian type of thing. In 1 Peter 4, there is a perfect example about being persecuted as a Christian:

¹² Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. ¹³ But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ¹⁴ If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. ¹⁵ If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. ¹⁶ However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.

This all comes back to the fact that we don't like to be labeled as a "religion" that sprouts this want to be separated from all the other organized religions.

Anyways, I can go on and on but I don't want to take away from a good job done by Jefferson Bethke on this subject. It's very good to listen to, and to act as a reminder, about our faith in God because he basically gave us the essentials of what Christianity really means. I just wanted to state that it isn't really anything new and nothing that we shouldn't have heard before.

I'm done. Haha.

Strangers

2012-01-10T01:00:00.001-07:00

We have said it many times, but I have to say it again: this lack of snow feels really strange! The entire drive down back to Calgary felt like the Spring time in April or May - there was basically no snow.

Thanks to my best friend, music, the drive wasn't all that bad; of course, it was long, but I managed because my mind pretty much went blank for those hours. That could also be a bad thing because it could imply that I'm not paying attention to the road. Haha. At the same time, I had to pay extra attention because it was really windy; so my car, being as light as it is, would swerve quite a bit if I wasn't careful. Speaking of windy drives, it seems every time that I've driven back home or to Calgary since the end of last year, it was really windy. Our climate is so messed up. I'm also quite certain that when winter hits, it's going to hit hard. When I say hard, I mean like nonstop snow for weeks, minus 40 temperatures for weeks - everything stops working. But at the same time, I could be way off and this will remain as our winter; so strange.

Anyways, now that I'm back in Calgary, I need to get back into the swing of things as soon as possible. It's tough for me to work myself up to these things because it seems that nothing I've done or have been a part of this year really fires me up. What kind of things?

Living in residence has been much better than I thought. People are friendly and give you the space you want. But on my end of things, I just haven't really adjusted. I'm already slow at being acclimatized to new environments, but I still haven't really met people here at school that I click with as well as some friends back home. To be fair though, I just compared life long relationships to people I've known for less than a year. Maybe I'm just disappointed because I look at the natural social butterflies and how they can get along with everyone instantly, and I wonder why I can't be like that.

Last year, and as my first year of Bible college, I loved what I studied; doing papers and reading was easy because I had such a passion and fire to learn more. I will never be a strong student, but I can always do well. And especially since coming to Ambrose, my marks have improved a lot. This first term of my second year though, I had a lot of trouble getting up to doing assignments and paying attention in class. As a result, I am somewhat scared to check my grades. I don't think I really failed anything, but my marks probably didn't meet the expectations that I had going into the term. And my expectations are really high, compared to what I've been able to achieve in the past. I only hope this term will be better.

As for my practicum, there isn't really any way that I can put it other than this: I just haven't found a way to fit in with this church. Fantastic pastors, very nice people, I just can't seem to "gel" with anyone or anything. It's incredibly strange and awkward for me because I normally LOVE going to church and being part of things. NEAC is a given for me to go, and I loved going to CCBC for the same reasons that I love my home church. This year though, I have started to notice that I've began growing a reluctance to go to church. Maybe it's the ministry that I'm uncomfortable with, or maybe I'm just not willing to try new things. At the end of the day, I just don't think youth ministry is for me. I feel awful for SGAC because I'm giving a half-assed effort most of the time and I'm just not giving what I can give. On my side, it's good because it's given me assurance on what my strengths and weaknesses are.

Anyways, there is still one thing on my mind regarding my call to ministry that I've been mulling over but not ready to really talk about it yet because it is largely affected by my mood and attitude as of late. So, while that progresses, I guess I'll just try to adjust life back to the way it was and try to look up.

Might as well be a stranger.

Amounts

2012-01-09T00:12:00.001-07:00

As my winter break couldn't have been more than I'd hoped, I am facing another monster of a semester at Ambrose again. I thank all the people that took any amount of time out for me because there is no way this break could have happened without you.

I am sorry that everything I have blogged about recently have all been quite angry. I think that I have just been taken advantage of by the things that have been going on in my life as of lately. Sometimes, I'll be incredibly upset but don't even know what I am upset about.

The problem that I have been having is that I am having trouble finding any purpose or point to life. "Why?" is the question that I've asked a ton of, only to not get any answers that I would like. It's so strange because not too long ago, my mindset was basically this: life is good, have a ton of fun and don't hold back on who you are.

Now, my thinking changes constantly, but it runs something along the lines of: life is f*cked up and pointless - what is the point of living and why can't God just end it all right now? What the heck is He waiting for?

Some of my thinking stems from reading "Love Wins," actually. Since I last wrote about it, I haven't made any progress; but I think it was what I had read up to that point that really got me thinking with a very pessimistic attitude. We're always told that, "oh yeah, life will be good in the future;" "when we're in heaven, all the pain will be gone and all the shit that we suffer on earth won't mean a thing." On and on it goes.

Coming back to a song by DC Talk entitled "What If I Stumble" there is a little intro thing where the narrator says "the single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christian[ity]..." So, what if I told you that I had considered giving up my faith. Whether it was a serious consideration or not is left for me to know because that could skew the way you think about what I just wrote.

Don't get me wrong though, I will never deny the existence of God; I've experienced far too much to experience how alive and working God is. The problem that I have is with this whole Christian story. God wrote this thing and he put us on earth so we could experience his love and all that stuff; but because of sin, we experience separation and suffering.

If I was hearing this story for the first time, my reaction would be quite simple: what the f*ck? And then I would go on asking some questions that I will be asking God even as a completely dedicated Christian when all is said and done. The whole idea of our Christian faith banks on this idea of "hope" and how it is a future that we look forward to. With the state that the world is in now, it's easy to ask "well, what about now?" or "you're telling me that when this life is done, all the crap I've endured, all the highs that I've been through, everything I've earned, don't mean anything?"

Well, why don't I just end it right now? Nothing amounts to anything except for all these "treasures in heaven"... Whatever that means. If God is all loving, why does he make us go through all these things? So we can experience his love when it's all said and done? Bullshit. If he's as loving and as powerful as he's supposed to be, why did he have to make things this way? Why did he have to create the possibility of sin? Why couldn't everything just have been made perfect and stayed perfect; we can still experience his love that way. Well, if God wanted this whole theme of redemption, I guess that's what he'll do and I guess that's what he's done.

Okay, look. I'm obviously taking some of these things way too far out of context and exaggerating the stances that I take; but the fact of the matter is that these are the things that I've been thinking about recently because I am struggling. And tons of people do think this way, so it's not too farfetched to ask them.

At the end of the day, the point is that I am just not happy that I have to leave Edmonton yet again. This is getting rather old, having to be separated from the people that I care about. Well, when I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to have breakfast and load up and make the drive back to campus. From then on, I'll go until Reading Week where I make a brief trip back to Edmonton, then go for the rest of the term.

Ridiculous how life works - I don't like it. I'm not giving up my faith, and I'm not giving up on my life; but I don't agree with the way God does things (and I'm sure almost all of us won't agree with everything); but I can't change the way things are, so I am left here grasping for air and begging that all this stuff I'm experiencing amounts to something useful in this life and the next.

As for my Christmas break, it was a getaway for me. Now, I'm going to come crashing back down. Let's see how I handle it.

/longpost

In Limbo

2012-01-07T00:24:00.000-07:00

Ummm, what?

Where did all the time go?

I'm literally sitting here in my bed, confused as... You fill in the blank. This winter break is coming to a close and I have to drive back down to Calgary on Monday. I'm disoriented to the point where I don't even know how exactly I can put all my thoughts into words.

Let me try to put it differently. People have started asking me about school again and my mom has started to get things for me to bring down to Calgary. I had no response or reaction to either of those questions because it hasn't even hit me that I am just a couple days from going back to school.

Bummer.

I think the good thing about this is that it means my break was a success, the way I wanted it to go. On the other hand, the bad thing is that I have become so oblivious to time. Being at home has made me so care free and so worry free that I don't even remember that I need to go back to Calgary.

Thinking about it, I don't think I've really told many people outside of my family and some of my closest friends, but there were times this past semester where I felt like I was trapped in prison. Don't get me wrong about living in residence, because it's really fun, but it honestly felt that way quite a few days because everything you see is the same everyday.

And now that I'm just a couple days from being forced to drive back down and ready myself for the winter semester, I find myself facing the same issues that I always do before a new semester hits. There are adjustments to my courses that need to be made, I need to find a list of textbooks that I need to buy, I need to find a way to somehow get enough money for school, etc.

But because I've been so distracted, and rightfully so, I have completely lost track of the "real world" and whatever it is. I'd like to stay right where I am now, please and thank you. Life sucked before I came back to Edmonton for Christmas, and I don't want to go back to that.

Welp, time to suck it up again - like I always do - and start thinking about going to school again.

I haven't even checked my marks from fall term yet.

Can I stay in limbo, please?

No Big Deal

2012-01-01T00:02:00.000-07:00

I seem to do this every year: it's December 31st, and after having dinner to celebrate my brother's birthday, I end up finding myself sitting somewhere in the house and blogging about the past year. I have no idea whether or not it will ever amount to anything, but I guess it's a good habit that doesn't really hurt anybody.

This was such a bizarre year, to say the least. Quite honestly, I don't have any words that could really describe how the year went. With the way 2011 ended, it's especially hard for me to really have any positive outlook going into 2012. It's unfortunate, but the sad truth is that I have lost much of my "glass-half-full" mentality. One thing that I will never say is that a year was bad. It's definitely possible that I won't have a good year (by my standards); but to say that I've had a bad year would be doubting God's will.

And this is basically how it went...

I'm never going to forget how strange it was to be home for the first time over an extended break. I tried to fit right back in to the flow of things here at home, but it just didn't work because even though I'm not here anymore, life goes on - things happen. Not to take away from my break though, since it was, and always will be, so refreshing.

I don't really remember anything too remarkable in the winter term, however. School just continued, and I just kept living. When I finished the term, I was so happy to come back home for the summer. At the time, I didn't know what was in store for me because I didn't plan ahead; so when I got back, I went without a job for a couple months, and ended up just being a bum at home. As nice as it was to have time off, it lead me to a whirlwind of events that shaped me up for the rest of the year.

Being accepted to work for AIA changed everything. It's just funny how I had absolutely no intention on applying to be a soccer coach, and yet God used it to have a much larger impact on me than I could ever imagine. Trust me, this whole AIA experience extended beyond just the coaching and the witnessing of lives changing. I will shove this coaching job into one of the many things I don't understand and will definitely be asking God when I get to heaven.

When it came time for me to move into Ambrose's residence, I tried to not be intimidated by anyone or anything. The life I lived from September to December was very much the way I thought it would have turned out in res. I didn't do that well in school because it was just way too hard for me to focus with all the energy and things in general that were happening at school.

The more I think about it now, the more I'm wondering if I really should have spent my holidays the way that I did. I swore to myself that once I got back, I'd do everything in my power to keep myself as occupied and busy as possible. In a lot of ways, I've loved it; but at the same time, am I just running away or burning myself out? Maybe. One thing that I do know, however, is that what's happened has happened, and there's no point in thinking about how things could have been or should have been - I've found, though, that it's way too hard to do that.

So now that I'm here, sandwiched by eternity on both sides of time, I really wish I could be looking at 2012 differently. I started writing this post with no title; but somewhere in between the start and now, I threw in the current title. Let me explain why.

Everyone is celebrating the passing of a new year, making resolutions that are never kept, reflecting and evaluating, all sorts of things that we do during the time when we flip calendars. My attitude is that none of these things are a big deal at all. Another year has come and gone, another one awaits us: big whoop, it's happened thousands of times. Years from now, heck even months or days, does any of this matter? Probably not. I don't mean to be pooping on your party, but life can be so dull sometimes. Eventually, we just go back to our routines of school or work; once in a while, something nice will happen - like getting a promotion, or graduating - but at the end of the day, it's all the same. This fallen world that we live in is just so messed up. Some of the nicest people that deserve all the fortune this world has to offer get pushed around and kicked to the dirt while the idiots get to feel like the world bows before them.

Call it bitterness; call it self-pity; or call it whatever you want. Point is, I'm tired of learning how to grow up. I was thinking about making the claim of being tired of waiting for God to work and make life pretty, but I knew that I'd get a lot of crap for saying that, so why not just direct it all at myself, seeing as this way I don't have to have people "correct my way of thinking about God's omnipotence and blah blah blah."

Have a great freaking new year.

A Spotless Mind

2011-12-26T23:57:00.002-07:00

"What are you studying?"

I always have fun with that question. I've given answers that ranged from, "I go to a private college" to "I'm gonna be a PASTOR, man!" Depending on who it is I get asked by, the response will vary. And for the times that I do straight up say that I'm studying Christian ministries, the responses I get are always interesting. And because I'm in this track of study, it also implies that I love to watch people. And because I love to watch people, seeing their responses, whether verbal or just simply a face that they make, is very amusing. I'm quite confident that some people passed judgment on me when I tell them I want to be a pastor; but I quite honestly don't mind so much... anymore, at least. When I first accepted God's calling into ministry, I was so timid and so scared to tell people because I didn't know what kind of reception it'd get. But now, I've just kind of learned to shove it aside and do what's right. But to say that I never have times of doubt or second guessing would mean that I'd be lying. And eventually, when things come back full circle in re-confirming my calling, it's pretty surreal in how it's done.

As for progress on "Love Wins", it slowed down over the last couple of days. For some strange reason, I caught the stomach flu on Christmas Eve and I felt like crap for most of the day. But all of a sudden, when I woke up on Christmas Day, I felt way better. And when I woke up this morning, I feel more or less like regular again. Pretty quick recovery ability, yeah? I don't know what that has anything to do with reading the book, but maybe it interrupted my flow. The only thing I have to say so far is that Rob Bell raises some really good points.

A few days back, I also re-watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." The first time I watched this movie was in high school, and I had no idea what the heck happened. I was explained to of most of the details that went on, and the concept of it blew my mind away. I think it's fair to say that most people have trouble catching onto non-linear plots or storylines, as in the case of this movie. So, that's why I wanted to watch it again; and even watching it for the third time now, there were still parts of the movies that seemed to be left open ended and made me guess at what the writer was trying to say in that specific part. But what really captured me, like anything else that attracts me, is the story of the movie. If something has a good story to it, I'm almost always going to like it.

People always debate over the whole fate versus chance thing in life, and I felt that this movie depicts it so well. I'm a firm believer in the fate that God has already determined and that everything is just unfolding day by day. So, adding that belief into my already vulnerable self, the movie hits home. Also, movies that involve a lot of thinking and contemplation are movies that I like to watch (but maybe not so much the political stuff)! I know Jim Carrey is more of a comedy guy, but he did a pretty good job in this movie.

One thing, though, that this movie reminded me of is how real some of the underlying themes are in comparison to real life. I've seen it when people not only fall in love, but fall off the face of the earth after they find someone; it sucks especially when it's someone that you're close to, and all of a sudden you just don't seem to matter anymore because that special someone is all that matters to him/her. I've also seen where a couple can be dating, then break up for some really dumb reason, only to find themselves together again in the future. A lot of times, that breakup might have been warranted for them to see how much they meant to each other, so it worked out in the end; and drawing from what I said about everything happening for a reason, it's all good that it happened that way because it was meant to be.

Loved that movie. Not a fan of most chick flicks, but this one is probably my favorite of all time. Next up, Shawshank Redemption. I also watched Transformers 3 last night, which was one of the movies I completely missed out on over the summer because AIA took all of me.

As for Boxing Day, I only went to South Edmonton Common today and bought myself a pair of sweats. Lame, I know; but tomorrow is round two at WEM! I am still in need of a new pair of shoes to fix my... well, everything!

Bliss

2011-12-24T01:19:00.000-07:00

Having been home for a week now, I'm quite at peace. I know it's 1 in the morning on Christmas Eve, but I thought I'd blog anyway. Haha.

Even though I'm blogging, I don't really know what I want to say. I've kept myself busy more or less everyday in some way. Got a pretty sweet opportunity to watch a bunch of people, including my brother, get baptized the first Sunday. Aside from my brother, I've had some sort of connection with a couple of other people that got baptized because I got the chance to monitor their past couple years in their path to baptism.

I got to go shopping on multiple occasions this week, and as predicted, I spent the money that I told myself not to spend. However, other than a case and screen protector for my phone, I haven't spent any of the money on myself. That's a plus right? I also bought the book "Love Wins" by Rob Bell. For the past little while, even though it's died down a little bit, people have been barking left and right about what Rob Bell wrote in this book. I wanted to comment, and I wanted to fire back according to what people have told me about the book, but I felt that it wasn't for me to be giving my thoughts on a book that I haven't even read yet. And so I went to buy the book yesterday!

Anyways, tomorrow (or technically today) is Christmas Eve; time goes by way too fast. I looked at the weather and I couldn't believe that it will be plus temperatures this Christmas. Global warming is seriously eating us alive. When January and February comes around, I feel like temperatures might run extremely low, down to the negative 40s on a consistent basis. That does not bode well for our climate.

So, to wrap up the bliss of being home for a week, I will need to buy myself some more sweats because I only have like two of each. I'm excited for the province of Alberta because so many people from around the world will be here over the next couple weeks for the World Juniors; exciting times are definitely around. However, you can count on me to definitely not be around the big attractions of the city because everyone will be there!

Merry Christmas everyone! <3

That Feeling

2011-12-17T16:32:00.000-07:00

I was guilty of rushing my exam yesterday so I could get out as fast as I could to leave Calgary and come home. It was a long drive, but I made it.

When I drove passed the "Welcome to Edmonton" sign, and began to get closer to South Common, this tremendous wave of peace and joy washed over me like I have never felt before. As many people who have been keeping tabs on my life lately, it has been rather stormy. So in a sense, even the smallest bits of true, genuine joy feels like I just won at life or something. After being enveloped by that joy for about a minute, I caught myself with the biggest smile on my face.

I'm not sure if it was just a matter of finishing a semester and being able to go home for a few weeks or something else, but there was such a sense of freedom - like I was released from some disease that was intoxicating my being.

But yeah, anyways, I'm so glad that I'm home. I don't want to make it sound that way, but sometimes school can feel like a prison, especially when you spend literally your entire day there. This reminds me. I'm going to watch Shawshank Redemption again over this break so I can relate to it more. Haha.

This break, I'm going to keep myself as busy as I can; so if anyone ever wants to just hang out or do something, call me up! I am up for almost anything.

Also, I need a new phone.

T-Minus 1

2011-12-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

I kind of wonder if the numbers I have reading this blog now is anywhere close to what it used to be. It seems most people have moved to Tumblr for good. But, because I am a clingy person, I will never abandon my Blogspot! Haha.

Class ended last Thursday, so it's been a week now. Last Friday, I basically took the day off; and at night, we had our annual Ambrose's Christmas banquet. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed it even though it could have been better. However, I won't complain because I go to school and live with some of the most amazing people that exist.

After the banquet, exams began the very next morning. I felt bad for those that went to the banquet and then had to get up to write a test the next day. But it looks like everyone is surviving quite well so far. Except me, maybe. I wrote my Greek "final" this past Monday, and it was tough. The test was just the third of three translation tests we had to do for this course; but because it just so happened to fall on finals week, my prof decided to make it harder and use some words that we don't normally use. So, I had a bit of trouble figuring out what the passage meant. But either way, it's over now, and I'll take what I can get.

Over the last two days, I am not quite sure what I did. All that I can recall is sitting at my desk for much of the day without much production. Actually, most of what I've been doing over the last couple days have all taken place inside of my head. Haha. The amount of thinking I did is actually quite amazing I think. From video games, to reality, to alternate realities, to my downfalls, to the things I've lost, the list goes on.

So now, I'm finding myself a little bit screwed. Oops. I have a lot of cleaning to do today because we have to make sure our rooms are tidy and clean before we leave. And because of the amount of maintenance that's been done over the term, it's going to be hell to clean. Then I'll need to pack. I don't think packing will be too time consuming, but I don't want to forget anything. Then, I have to start studying for my final tomorrow. Just a bit of a lament, I just cannot, for the life of me, work myself up to study for a course that isn't relevant to anything I'm doing. And this being the second time I've taken an introduction Sociology class, it's twice as hard to study for something I just don't care about. If I fail my final tomorrow, I wouldn't be surprised. Luckily, it's only 30% and I've done pretty decent in the class so far with the half ass effort I've given all semester.

And this brings me to going home. By this time tomorrow, I'll very likely have finished my test and driving home. I'm really excited, but nervous at the same time. For one thing, driving alone on the highway has got to be one of the worst things ever. It's so boring and time slows down tremendously. I guess, though, that it'll just mean I have four hours to think and talk to God and bombard him with the questions I have for him. I've been doing a lot of that lately: throwing everything I have at God. It gets frustrating, and I'm sure a lot of people can relate, because it's very possible that I'm missing something, but all I'm getting in response from God is to wait. By his timing, I guess.

With that, the first term of my third year in university is over! It's hard to believe that if I stuck to what I was doing right out of high school, I'd be graduating this year. But due to circumstances, I still have two years to go before I can do that. Time really does go by insanely fast, and I am not going to lie, high school feels like yesterday. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing, because it can also imply that I haven't really grown much. But, fact of the matter is that I know I've grown a ton.

Even so, I've got many more miles to go.

Wrapping Up

2011-12-10T14:56:00.001-07:00

I was blessed with only two finals this semester, one of which isn't really a final. On Monday, I will be writing the third of three Greek exams; and on Friday, I'll write my Sociology final. After I finish my exams, I'll be going home!

I am honestly so ready to go home and have Christmas. Not only because I am sick of school, but I am sick of the boundaries I've been looking at this term. Other than the odd time I went out to do something I don't normally do, I've been looking at the same things each and every day. Honestly, it gets tiring. So basically, I need a break.

Home is usually a place of familiarity and comfort for people that have been away; but for me, it is a sense of renewal or freshness. I think that this has come at a really opportune time because the one thing that I've discovered that is worse than apathy is numbness. There's a phrase in a song that says, "the wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone." I used to think this meant apathy, but I feel like there is more to it than just apathy. When you've been "feeling" something for a long enough time, more specifically on the negative side, that it becomes numb, it's one of the worst things to experience. Whether it's physically or emotionally, when pain grows numb, it completely flips you inside out. You're so used to it, that you forget it's there. And that numbness causes a lot of negative things, so much that you wonder why it's happening. So that's why as this term is wrapping up, I'm so stoked to go home; that way, I can just do my best to forget about everything and renew myself for the winter term.

Anyways... (=

I'm trying to work up some motivation to study for my Greek test on Monday, and I'm going to be putting together a playlist for that. I have never really been the type to study best with music. But I am discovering more and more that I have found a lot of music where I can just let it run and it drowns out everything exterior for me so I can focus. Most of the time, I guess the music doesn't really have words to them, although there are quite a few songs I really enjoy being played when I am studying/working.

I'm also stoked to shop when I get back to Edmonton because, let's face it, shopping in Calgary is not nearly as good. Maybe I just don't know all the right places here, but it's still not as good. I was so underwhelmed when I went to Chinook a few weeks back. I'd been there I think 2 or 3 times since moving to Calgary, but never really got to do any in depth shopping. I got to do that back in November and it was disappointing to say the least. Not my taste. I mean, there's still stuff I like, but it's not like some places in Edmonton like WEM or South Common where I can get more or less all that I want from the one shopping center. Chinook, though, does have a True Religion store that I didn't get a chance to go into - and Edmonton doesn't have that.

So as Christmas is around the corner, I wonder what else I will be wrapping up other than this semester of school? (= If I could wrap you up, I would. Haha!

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

The Experience

2011-12-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

A wise man once said, "the remedy is the experience." For the longest time I wondered what that really meant. I think that there could be a double meaning in the sense that he was saying that going through the experience of something IS the remedy for whatever needs healing. The other possible meaning that I got from this is that the whole process of healing is THE experience. The experience, meaning that going through that process is "talk of the town" material for someone's life.

I still don't know what he meant when he said that, but maybe looking at the context of this quote might help. His best friend, at the time, was going through cancer treatment. Everyone knows that going through all the radiation and all the different types of chemotherapy can be a pain. However, this cancer victim met someone that told him basically to look at things differently. What was meant by differently was that instead of seeing the cancer treatments as unfortunate and bad, he should see it as a blessing because not everyone gets to go through this process. So, in a sense, all the things he has to do to treat his cancer is special because he gets to see what it's like, while not very many other people do.

It probably takes a whole lot of strength to be able to see things that way: to not worry your life away in such hard times. But such a simple concept probably changed my life even though I had nothing to do with it. Throughout the past several years, this is what I've lived by. And sometimes I'll forget what it means or refuse to see things that way, like recently, but it doesn't take away from the point that it is something I encourage onto other people as well.

There is and always will be a positive end of the spectrum, you just have to find it; and that, to me, is the experience - the remedy. So coming back to what I said earlier about saying that I'm not sure what the person really meant about how the remedy is the experience, to me, it is both.

A lot of times, going through something crappy is exactly what we need in order to mend a certain part of our lives. And then at the same time, the whole process of going through that healing will feel like none other when all is said and done.

It's all about the wordplay.

See Through

2011-12-04T23:21:00.001-07:00

Originally, I was thinking about breaking all records and try to post every single day this month leading up to Christmas. But unfortunately, I had nothing to blog about yesterday - so that failed.

Today, I have something to blog about! As I wake up to the massive blizzard that forced me to not be able to go to church, I had plenty of time to go back to bed and just think. I haven't missed a Sunday worship in a very long time, so it definitely felt a little strange to not go to church this morning.

While I was laying in my bed, I was just thinking about a wide variety of things - like I always do. I am not entirely sure how I got to this point... Well, I do, but that's beside the fact... I always wonder how transparent I am. Not literally, because you can't literally see through me (although that could be argued because of how skinny I am - but I digress). More personality-wise. I never stop thinking about the way people look at me and how I want to look to the people around me because it's important that I rep what I stand for.

I try, but I'm also really dorky in that when I meet people, I always try to remain mysterious. Most of the time it works, but I also feel that I can get very one-dimensional eventually. Not quite a one trick pony... well, more like a no trick pony since I'm not especially good at anything. But I purposely don't tell people all the facts about me so it can keep people guessing and wanting to know me more. That way, when one day I pull out a sick song on the guitar, or pull out a sweet magic trick, it'll blow people away because they wouldn't have expected me to know how to do that stuff!

It works in theory, but not so well practically. Why? Because most of the stuff I do isn't so special. I don't do any of the wildlife stuff, or the skydiving/extreme sports stuff, or the super artsy stuff, so you can imagine that it'd be kind of underwhelming when I whip something out. Whipping my hair back and forth doesn't count either.

So yeah, I don't know how predictable or how transparent I am as a person. If I had to guess, I'd say very. Quite honestly, I'm really boring so none of this "mysterious" stuff really work.

I don't know, just a thought. Haha. I just hope my car will be okay.

Two weeks until I go home! Yeah! <3 <3

Blargh!

2011-12-02T22:46:00.001-07:00

Whoever has cursed me, it is working!

Last week, I discovered that the front left side of the bumper on my car was knocked loose so it is sort of dangling a little bit. Needs to be re-attached!

On Thursday, I took my guitar to practice and the pick ups aren't working! I hope it's just a loose connection. Needs to be tested and checked out!

Today, Friday, I started my car and the battery light came back on! This means that there is definitely something wrong with the alternator of the car. Needs to be tested and possibly even replaced!

Too much money that I don't have to fix these things. Sigh!

Dear December

2011-12-01T23:06:00.000-07:00

Dear December seems like a pretty cool catch phrase - I am so amazing for coming up with it, haha. Just jokes. I love Decembers; and this one is going to be awesome. With no real homework left in the term, and only 2 exams to finish off school, I'll get to go home and see all my friends and family again!

I'm always amazed at how many people are looking out for me back in Edmonton when I don't even know it. It's quite surreal, to be quite honest, to think that my church is actually caring for me even though they don't know all the details of what's going on with me 400 km away. I love you guys!

Christmas time is also really fun! My parents always wonder if we should still put up the tree now that we're older; but the answer is obvious - of course we should! I don't know if it'll be up this year though, haha. I actually don't even remember if it went up last year. But I know for sure that if we put it up, it probably isn't going to come down until February.

Anyways, as I am relaxing in my bed to wind down for the day, here are a couple of other things I will be looking forward to in December!

Food that is not from the cafeteria! Oh my gosh, you have no idea how sick I am of this stuff!
My own bed. Queen size. None of this "double bed" business.
Privacy. I have literally had none of that here.
Shopping! Shopping in Edmonton is still better than shopping in Calgary
Hopefully jamming with the old worship team too.
New shoes! My dad has a $100 gift card to Sportchek for me to buy new shoes!
The calmness and peacefulness of the Christmas season
New Years. As fun as 2011 was, I am ready for 2012 to arrive.

There will also be things that I will miss, being gone for almost a full month from campus, mainly the closeness of our group, but it will be exciting to have that renewed connection again in January.

So, dear December, please make December a legendary month and a great finish to the year!

Sincerely, Nathan. <3

Vindicated II

2011-11-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

I need to hit 10 posts in one month at least once this year! So here is my opportunity to achieve that on the last day of the month. (=

The last time I wrote about being vindicated, it was a confirmation that I received about going into Bible college. At the time, it was easily the biggest decision that I had ever made in my life. Being the oldest child in a family of three and being the first to move out, it was a huge deal for me and my family. I think that we adjusted quite well; I've now known what the meaning of home really is, and I also know where my heart lies in a lot of things regarding life.

Well, unfortunately, I can't recall everything that came to my mind or all the things I thought about at the time, but the one thing I definitely remember is a sense of peace and comfort. Contemplating Bible college was a thing that occurred over the span of many months, and when it finally slapped me in the face that it was for real, there was no better feeling. It was a tough few months for me in trying to fight what God was telling me about Bible college, and when I finally realized that it was my call, the feeling of liberation was like none other.

So, moving onto the second time I'm revisiting this, it's amazing how things have progressed. Much like my fight with Bible college, I've been battling with another potential major decision in my life for the last few months. Although I can't say that I've been fully revealed the answers, it's getting rather close. I wanted it a certain way, but it looks like God is saying differently - at least for now. Things can change rather quickly; but at the time being, it looks like I need to let go.

It's always tough, and sometimes even frustrating, but when God tries to tell me something, he always teases me with the idea of it first. The idea of Bible college was very small, a whisper. This recent idea was more of a scream. Instead of just quietly and calmly thinking about the idea in the back of my mind like Bible college, it is upfront and right in my face.

God, you are crazy in the way that you do things. I can't say that I agree with your methods all the time, but you know better than I ever will. I've talked about moving on for quite a while now, but my heart never agreed. Now, though, I think my heart has finally caught up a little bit with my head - mostly because I am forced to.

But it's okay, because through this whole process, I'm relearning how to put my trust and faith in the Lord to do things the right way. A while ago, I was so against it and trying to pull the other way, and mostly just because of the circumstances, but had I not been there, I wouldn't be where I am now.

So, while it will be extremely difficult for me to readjust to my prior way of living, I'm set on doing it, even if it takes a bit of extreme measures.

November

2011-11-27T15:13:00.000-07:00

The month of November, which some dudes call "Movember", a month that has brought so much upon my life in recent years. When I was trying to sleep last night, I was thinking; and suddenly, it was brought to my attention, I was reminded, that November has typically been a crappy month for me every year. I checked my blog's archives, and I can kind of see it there. I didn't write a whole lot about my down times, but seeing what I did write about and the places I were in, they were definitely not the best. Tough Novembers extend beyond just the life of my blog, I've had a couple really bad Novembers in high school too.

I know that life works in cycles and such, but I had no idea that mine would be so definite and lined up so well with the month of November. Not to say that I don't have good times in November or bad times in any other time of the year; but the predominant things that define the month for me have all come within the span of these 30 days, give or take. No different this year, in terms of circumstances. Just the magnitude of things and how I've responded to them are different.

I just don't know what to think of all this! Back in grade 11, I was forced to make the first real decision of my life to quit piano. After taking piano lessons for 11 years, I just couldn't take it anymore and if I wanted to quit, I had to do it myself. It was painful for me to quit piano because I knew that it was really sudden for my teacher; and for me to have to work up the courage to do it, it hurt quite a bit because I'm not really strong enough to make big decisions and have to follow through with them. The year after, my senior year in high school, I was failing - literally. I was below 50% in one of my courses for the first report card; and it being a big deal as people were starting to apply for university, I approached my teacher and she felt bad enough to bump me up to a 50%. It was quite the miracle that I finished grade 12 with a 78% average.

When university life began, and coming back from my internship in Vancouver, it was tough being thrown right into the school thing without having much time to prepare for it. I think that from October to December, and even into January the next year, I was having such a tough time dealing with my direction in life. Studying music at the UofA was just not for me, but at the time, I just did not think that Bible college was something that was reasonable. So I duked it out for the rest of the year (and I have no idea how I did it), and went on to take a year off to work in order to earn money for moving out. When I started working that next fall, I quickly began to find it taxing on my hands because of the work that I had to do. Selfish of me to say this, but by this time of that year, I kind of wanted to quit after just having worked for a little while.

And finally, after moving to Calgary for school, the entire first few months was a huge test of my independence. I remember encountering certain things at this time last year that frustrated me and forced me to think about what I look like to other people. I really had to examine my outward expression and what people perceive me as because I knew that going into ministry meant that I will be constantly under watch and criticism.

So with the things that have brought me down this November, I don't need to mention them anymore because then I'd just be beating a dead horse. But I'm beginning to wonder if things might turn out to be like my year at the UofA. I was forced to just deal with the rest of the year, and when the next September rolled around, things were a lot better because I had a real purpose for what I was doing by that time. If so, then somehow I'm going to need to find, somewhere inside of me, the strength to endure this year with the way things are going.

I have found, now that I've kind of recounted my past several years' Novembers, that God really tests my patience. Having to wait to finish the year before I could start preparing for Bible school, having to wait a year to earn enough money, etc., there's been a lot of waiting that I've had to do. Although, it's unfair to assume that just because things have happened this way in the past, that it will happen like this again. But at the same time, it wouldn't surprise me if this was another test of my patience because I know that I'm going to need a lot of it when I'm full-time in ministry.

The thing is with me, that I'm always going to see something - I'm very much like a visionary - and then I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve that as soon as I can, but sometimes I forget that the process of it is every as important as the end goal. So, maybe God is trying to do something good after all.

My Novembers.

P.S. I think everyone should purchase and listen to Michael Buble's Christmas album. Stellar.

Choices

2011-11-24T23:46:00.001-07:00

Tonight has brought some really interesting thoughts into my mind. I know I've been blogging a crapload this last little while, but there's just been far too much on my mind. I hope that it won't happen too much, but I think it's inevitable that I'm going to be bitching about certain things that are really bothering me.

Now that I haven't really had any big school projects or anything like that left in the term, my mind has been more free to wander places. So I came to a point where I was thinking about why it is so hard to do certain things. These things that I'm referring to are all, sort of, internal - emotions, etc. Controlling emotions and your body's general responsiveness is an incredible skill that I do believe certain people are able to do. It's insanely hard, but I think most people have a good grasp at the whole idea of it. If I try to draw an example, people get attached to things - things like home, family, friends. And depending on our levels of attachment, it can be incredibly difficult to break some of these bonds or connections.

If I kind of digress a little bit, God gave humanity this "free will" thing. The very second that God implemented free will, the possibility of sin was born. Because of this ability to choose (what to wear, what to eat, etc.), it feels awfully strange when something within us happens that we really didn't get to choose. Well, what sort of things? Last time I checked, we don't really get to choose the family that we're born into. God didn't line you up before you're born and be like, "okay, who's family do you want to go to?" And other things that might be a little bit more open ended like falling in love. I don't know about you, but all the times that I've had that experience, I really didn't choose to be in love with that specific person. It just happens! So, when the time comes where you feel like you need to, or at least the situation is asking for it, it's almost impossible to just stop. Other things like depression, or other illnesses, we don't just decide that we're going to be clinically depressed or have cancer or whatever.

From my experience, during these times of battle where my brain is pulling one way but my heart is pulling the other, there are specific moments where I gain some sort of perspective or insight on the situation. More often than not, I'm just left wondering, why can't I do it? I've had my battles with depression, I've had my battles with love, and I think it's all really stupid. I can make HUGE decisions in my life, like being a pastor, moving to Calgary, all these sorts of things; but when it comes to the two things I mentioned before, it's just hopeless. I don't get it.

And I should stop here before things get out of hand.

Ευαγγελιον

2011-11-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Translated "euangelion," people might know what that means. It's always nice to receive good news. Although it is more specifically talking about the gospel as good news, it's the only form of "good news" that I know in Greek. And since I'll be doing some Greek homework later today, might as well start practicing! So, that's kind of where the word evangelize came from, which basically means to spread or tell of the good news.

My mom told me that my brother is getting baptized this Christmas and it made me pretty happy. So after this, every member of the family will have been dunked! I think that when you look at it, it's really evident that God has been so good to our family. We've been given so many gifts and people that just make life work for us. At first, I wasn't entirely sure why the baptism service was moved from Thanksgiving to Christmas, but I probably won't complain because it might hold some more sentimental value for some people to be baptized during this time. So, with that being said, congrats bro! It's about time.

Some other news that has been good is that all of my major work for this term has been completed, meaning that I have been legitimately been allowed to be bored! I still have Greek homework, like I said earlier, but that's pretty much a given for the entire semester thus far. And now that we're actually starting to translate Bible passages, it makes for Greek a lot more useful because it allows us to see what verses can really mean.

And plus, it's just boss to be carrying around a Greek Bible... Even though I don't have one, yet.

On the same topic of good news and school, I only have two finals in December. Greek can hardly be called a final because it's just the third of three tests that we are to have. Unfortunately, I have to wait until the very last day to do a final of the subject I care least about: an elective - sociology. See, if I tried harder with my time at the UofA, I wouldn't have needed to take psych last year and wouldn't have needed to take sociology this year. But, of course, my lack of effort came around to bite me in the butt so I've been needing to retake these courses. However! I cannot complain because I only have two tests, so I'll be able to make it home to see some friends and family.

Three and a half weeks of Christmas break is also pretty sweet, if you ask me! I am stoked to be getting a new phone, whatever that will be, and a new pair of shoes or two! Things are looking up from here, and I would love to be able to spend that happiness with you! So, hopefully reading my blog made you happy. Haha!

Just thought I'd let you know that you look mighty fine today! <3

Fairly Healthy

2011-11-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't caught hold of the Christmas hype just yet. I wonder if it's because being so sheltered in the school environment that I haven't been given the chance to see what it's really like on the outside. People are decorating their places, putting in the Frank Sinatra Christmas album, etc., but I just haven't caught into it! Darn!

I'm not sure, though, if I really want to be in a Christmas-y mood. I mean, I'd like to be, but I don't know what it'd do to/for me. Haha. I don't even know if that makes any sense. And of course, when you talk about Christmas, there is no way you can ignore shopping. That, then, asks the question of how much I'm going to spend on presents this year.

Not going to lie, I'm not going to spend a lot. I might buy myself something small-ish, but that's about it. Maybe I'll pick something up for the family too, but I don't know what.

Anyways, I have had shin splints for the last little while and it's been a bit of an inconvenience because it bothers me when I walk and it doesn't allow me to run, or else the pain will get pretty bad. My dad told me not to play soccer for two weeks but I didn't listen. Shoot! I tried to play last night and it was no good. My left leg feels okay, but my right hurts with every step that I take. And so, I feel like my recovery process has taken a step back because tonight, when I tried to run over to the cafe so I could get myself some delicious chocolate milk, the shins were hurting.

Dang it! But it's okay, I haven't caught the Christmas fever yet, so I am still healthy in some way! My wallet will thank me for this later.

Acceptance

2011-11-18T11:27:00.002-07:00

After coming out of one of the darkest nights of my life, I'm done with that bitterness and anger crap. I'm going to live my life and I'm going to feel good about doing so. It's plain stupid for me to be living the way I have been this last week because it just makes everything worse. Nothing good is accomplished, and I'm just not going to allow that to happen. I know that I have the ability to control my emotions and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Nothing's going to stop me, no matter how cheesy that sounds. I'm going to do my best to accept things as it is and just move on with my life. I think I've finally been able to gain the strength to re-live what I preach.

It's going to take a bit of adjusting, but that's normal and it's going to be my mindset from now on. I don't give a crap about any of the negativity in my life that occurred in the last several weeks, and I'm going to give this thing a second go.

Once again, I'm thankful to and for those of you that walked me through this or just listened to me. I owe you my life, and you know who you are! So, with that being said, I'm going to try to recall what I was like and try to bring myself back to that. I will pray that I won't have broken any relationships that I've had with anyone, but on the contrary be able to build them even more because everyone I know is special to me no matter who you are in relation to me.

I'm done with this brokenness shit! I'm gonna make this mine.

Run Dry

2011-11-15T11:07:00.001-07:00

This morning I went to my Practicum Reflection class and I basically had my life story over the last couple years told to me. Pretty amazing. What I mean is that the situation that I'm in right now is pretty much what the speaker described.

We've all heard the analogy of the cup pouring out and being refilled in ministry before; but I guess when I heard him talk about it, it finally hit home. It all makes sense too, I've been pouring out, giving God everything I had over the last several years without ever really replenishing a whole lot of what filled me in the first place. Not to say that there wasn't any filling at all, because there have been, just not enough to keep me going. And since the school year started, I've been pouring out at a rate much faster and more than I have been for a very long time. So it was kind of inevitable, I've now run dry. It is exactly how I feel too, I just don't have anything more to give into any area of my life as of right now. I keep trying to, but I've exhausted everything I have.

This applies to ministry, my friends, people I care about, etc. When you're thirsty, the first thing you really think about is where you can find water to drink. If I've been a bit "needy," that explains everything and I apologize. It'd be dumb for me to not admit that I have been so out of my usual character over the last couple months. I'm just not who I usually am.

So I'm going to try to work myself up to being filled up again. Quite honestly, though, I don't know where to turn. There's a lot of people I trust, but I just don't know if they'd really want to spend the time to "pour into me," so to speak. It doesn't take a lot, because for me, all I really do is be there for people. I know I don't really say a lot, some times because I can't, but being present and with people is my way of pouring out to them. That's all I can really do and that's all I really need.

Still searching.

Deciphering Me

2011-11-09T16:05:00.000-07:00

Blogging has been so fun lately. Half of it is because I've gotten to unleash just about everything that has kept me up at night; the other half is realizing how dumb I am for being so hard on myself. I hope that I have run out of bad things to blog about, although I wouldn't be surprised if there might be a few more, and that I will be able to go back to being myself.

I am really thankful for being able to go through what I am and have been because it has again given me a chance to re-evaluate things. Over the last couple weeks, I've learned about how badly I can beat myself up for not being able to do the smallest things. I'm not sure if it's because of my own standards or whatever, but the best example can be pointed out when I was writing my midterm an hour ago. I was stuck on a question that I knew but just could not recall for whatever reason. I was so disappointed in myself for not remembering, it completely threw my focus off of the test and took a bit of time to readjust my attention back onto actually writing the test and focusing on what I remember and not what I don't. So after the test I went back into my notes to see what it was that I forgot; and when I saw the points, I wanted to punch myself in the face for forgetting.

That incident with the test kind of sums up all the reasons for why I've been wanting to give up. And because it's been a lot of these types of situations that piled up over the last few weeks, I was just probably overwhelmed by all of it. I guess to kind of list off a few of them, so people won't come asking, here are a few of the things that have weighed on my shoulders and where I am with them now:

Her. Umm, for anyone that's been forced to hear about my situation with this one, it's still unresolved and probably won't be for at least the foreseeable future just because of the proximity of things. I honestly don't want to jump too far ahead of myself to be saying it will or won't work out because I really don't know. I can only hope for the best, but the way it plays out remains to be seen. This is by far the most indicative of what kind of person I'll be like day-to-day.
School. Or life - however you want to put it because school is sort of literally my life. I've had so much trouble finding motivation to work at any time of the day. Living in res, even though it's been amazing, has brought a lot of challenges upon me. I still get things done, but it's probably not to the standard that I have for myself. As a result, if my GPA drops slightly, I think it's to be expected.
Church. As SGAC is the third church that I've been routinely attending and getting involved in, I have never had such a difficult time adjusting to things. Part of it is because the primary reason I am here is for my practicum. Even though I hardly ever see going to this church as "doing my practicum," I just haven't been able to get comfortable until, maybe, the last couple weeks where I'm finally starting to feel more at home with everything.
Car. I don't think I've still recovered fully from such a traumatic event. It sounds kind of lame when I pin traumatic with car dying, but it's been the only time I've encountered over the last couple years that had any sort of potential for me to be in any real danger. So I still don't really trust my car for me to be doing any long distance driving; and I'm sorry that I won't be able to see some of my friends until Christmas. I really wish I got to get away from Calgary this coming weekend!

All these things have kind of lead me to a really crappy state in my spiritual life and it doesn't feel too amazing. It's always seeming like it's God "turning against" me and not me realizing that I need to be reminded that things don't happen according to my wants. God wants to lead me down the right path but I keep trying to turn and stray away because something appeals to me or is skewing my vision. So I hope I can straighten my path and shake off these hindrances soon!

Thanks for everyone's support.

If I Don't

2011-11-07T00:15:00.005-07:00

After the first day of daylight savings, I guess it's pretty reasonable for most people to be calling it a night a little earlier than usual based on what time suggests. I slept for a while earlier... and kind of missed supper.

Well, I think that it is important for people to be able to voice things without having to have it all bottled up inside of them, so that's what I'll be doing. Because if I don't, I probably won't be a very happy person over the next day or so. When I originally created this blog back in... I forgot (but you can probably look at my archives to see how long this blog has been alive for), I made it so that I could write out my thoughts that I didn't know who or where I could tell them to. It was a really nice way for me to not only practice my writing, but to help me articulate my thoughts into words. Slowly, my blog turned into an update sort of thing to tell people what sort of things have been going on in my life. With that being said, I'm going to revisit the reason that I made my blog in the first place.

First of all, I really, absolutely do not want to throw anyone under the bus; and I'm so sorry if you feel like you've contributed to me feeling this way. Second of all, no matter what I am going to say, it does not change what I stand for about always wanting to be there for people, whether it is listening to them or helping them through something.

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I'm going straight to the point. I feel like I've been so incredibly vulnerable in the last couple months because one person pretty much controls all my emotions and dictates a lot of my actions. Best case scenario, that person would be me; but unfortunately, it is not I. And so when what this person says or does clashes with my own personal thoughts and such, a huge battle ensues in my brain. I've lost 100% of the time. I'll then proceed to becoming extremely upset and frustrated at just about everything.

While I'm not feeling so fly, I still have real life to deal with. I get so frustrated when all I do is listen to people and their problems, and I willingly do so because that is what I've promised to everyone that I care about, but I never feel like I can talk to people about what upsets me in return. All I do is listen, but will people stop and listen to me or even ask about me? Hasn't happened yet. I know it's incredibly selfish for me to think this way, but I'm really just saying that everyone has their needs. Here is the problem though, I know that I have people who are willing to care for me or listen to me; but whether it is just me being selfish or whatever, I don't feel like it's good enough. Part of it is because other than telling someone what I feel toward certain things, what are they really going to do? Nothing. Nothing that really amounts to anything anyway. I'm guilty of this too, so I'm sorry to those for the times where all I can do is be here and kind of watch as you go through crappy times in your life and not being able to do anything about it.

Aside from being direct and straight to the point, I'm also being very vague. I kind of call it "beating around the bush, but definitely beating it." I'm leaving one thing off on purpose because if I said it, it would sound very strange - and I don't know how I feel about that. But if you've been there, are there right now, or just really good at reading between the lines, you'll have a good idea of what I'm leaving out. All I can really say is that it sucks to be in my position right now because it's preventing me from giving all I've got to do what I want to do.

Here we are; what a (definitely not) beautiful mess, this is.

Feelin' Good

2011-11-05T14:36:00.000-06:00

I am feeling great today, so I thought that blogging would be a good idea! The only thing that I am, at any amount, not too pleased with right now is that my mouse isn't very good at scrolling up and down webpages! The mouse doesn't mesh too well with Apple's smooth scrolling type of things, so that's why when I scroll with my mouse, it's really choppy!

So, after my last blog post, some pretty bizarre things have happened over this past week. I was lucky enough to have a really nice family bring me to church on Sunday. They even took me to lunch afterward. And when I thought that they'd just be dropping me off at home, the father offered to help me boost my car. I was really thankful that he'd be willing to take time out of his day to help me. After my car boosted, but couldn't stay running, he seemed like he really wanted to find out the problem and fix it. So he took me to get a new battery. When we installed the battery, my car was working! Unfortunately, the battery light was still on, signifying that there could be a problem with the alternator. So even though I was so thankful the car worked temporarily, I needed to take it in to get it looked at. So I booked an appointment for first thing on Wednesday, but when I started the car that morning, the light was off! I was so confused, and after bringing it in anyway and getting some advice from multiple people, I decided that I'd just drive the car for a few more days to see if the light comes back on. And miraculously, it's still off as of today! I'm not sure if it just meant that my car needed to get used to the battery, but it seems to be running now. So I hope that it stays that way because it has saved me several hundreds of dollars to get a new alternator.

In terms of school, things are alright. I was so glad that we got to play soccer last night for a couple hours because I'm just rotting away sitting at a chair pretty much all day. My fitness level has fallen faster than I could've even imagined. So it was so nice! And seeing as I like to brag about my accomplishments (good and bad ones), I scored three goals last night. But because of my rust and lack of fitness, I couldn't get any megs. Normally I can get around 5 whether it is by passing it through people's legs or just deking through it; but unfortunately, I couldn't get any last night because I am out of game shape!

As far as my practicum goes, I'm still feeling like I'm not doing a very good job. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I just haven't worked up a way to get comfortable with the church yet, which kind of sucks, but I know I will get there eventually - even if it kills me. As the days go by where I'm at church, I'm trying to find more and more ways that I can get involved and maybe even ease some of the loads off the pastors there because they work way too hard for their church. In the grand scheme of things, it is only the beginning of November, so I think the most important thing remains for me to be making relationships with people, and they don't happen over night, so I'm going to keep working at it! And at the end of this practicum, I'll know that I've done my best.

With everything else, I'll admit that I have gotten slightly homesick a while ago. I'm a lot better now, but I remember a couple weeks back, I just wanted to go home. The biggest difference for me this year compared to last year is that I have to be a lot more independent now. Last year, I had a family look after me and pretty much give me everything I needed. This year, I'm looking out for myself a ton more. It's taken some adjustment, but I'm slowly getting there. I think that's the biggest reason why I've felt so off this school year. I'm just so used to relying on others that I still don't quite know what it's like to have to fend for myself, so to speak. And even with the help of my parents and church in providing for me, I still have to go through this process of growing up!

So, I guess this is a bit of an update from me. I'm sorry if my updates have been a bit lame recently, but I am doing my best!

I hope everyone has an awesome weekend because I've had a great day so far! The sun is shining, and it's not too cold!

And Stars, Ringed

2011-10-29T23:52:00.000-06:00

First of all, thanks to everyone that has thought about me or wished me well this past week. I know that I tend to overreact to a lot of things and I can make them seem a lot worse than they really are. Unfortunately, having my car barely hang on a thread on my way home was traumatic enough that I'd respond the way that I did. Even though I am not completely over it, I am definitely feeling much better now! Again, I believe that God has surrounded me with the most awesome people ever and because of that, they are willing to go out of their way to help me. I appreciate just about everyone I know because they in some way shape who I am today.

I think the best thing to happen to me this week was brownies. When someone knows that I'm not enjoying life, then going out of their way to not only make me something, but bringing it to me personally, that's ace. Considering some of the circumstances, I could not have been happier. Thanks! You know who you are (=

Anyways, on Friday night, I got to go to a cool little youth rally at church. It wasn't the biggest youth rally I've been to, but it was plenty fun and cool. I also did not think that I would need to use Calgary transit to get around anymore, but seeing as it wouldn't be fair to have people purposely come drive me to church, that was the best plan. So after getting jipped by McDonalds, I got to church - they gave me a McChicken instead of a quarter pounder, the worst! Getting to plan things are so much fun to do! I think that in the future, I am going to want to try delegating more - the job of a pastor. Haha! But yeah, it was nice to play some games, sing some songs, hear some sharing, all that kind of cool jazz. I'm still not exactly comfortable around the people at the church yet, but I am getting better. I remember last year at CCBC, it still took me a bit of time, but I got accustomed to them really quickly because of how tightly knit the group is and how open they were to accepting me. As SGAC is, it's much bigger than CCBC, so I am still trying to learn the dynamics of the groups to see where I fit in. Regardless, it's really awesome to see that there are some really talented people here. I ended up leading a game, playing some sweet percussion for the worship team, and shared a bit of my story. I felt like I did an awful job of sharing, but I hope that at least one person took something away from it. It was a pretty good night.

Today, I felt really lazy. I said that I was going to phone around to see how long it might take to get my car fixed, but I realized that nothing could be started on until Monday, meaning I had the rest of the day to do whatever. Unfortunately, that "whatever" turned out to be nothing productive. I said that I was going to study for my midterm on Monday; but other than reading the first line of my notes, I did not read another word. Oops.

Tonight, though, I did get to go bowling with a few guys, which was a ton of fun. I hadn't bowled in quite a few years so it was nice to test that arm of mine again. Needless to say, I was rusty but I still managed 2nd of the group of 5 guys considering I botched and slipped a lot of throws out of my hand. It was a lot of fun though, and my hand is a bit tired now.

I get a ride to church tomorrow, meaning that I am very lucky. And so as I am sitting here being put to sleep by the music that I'm listening to, I am probably just going to drift away because I am completely lost in a trance again. Thank you electronica!

Give this a listen! I know a lot of people still don't like electronica, but this song is so soothing.

Those Times

2011-10-27T00:43:00.001-06:00

I find it strange how when difficult times arrive, I just kind of accept it and don't even bother to try to deal with it. It's actually probably not a good thing. Because, in a sense, I'm embracing that I'm having a crappy time; and therefore I am somehow justified to be bitter and negative towards everything. The world hates me, etc., etc.

Since my car died last night, I've been incredibly cynical and angry at just about everything. I could probably count how many times I laughed or even smiled today for that matter. It is at times like these where I just hate everything. I've been angry at God and perfectly fine with it too. It's gotten to a point where I'm apathetic toward being upset, thus allowing myself to just indulge in all of its glory. It's kind of scary actually because I think you might be surprised at how much rage has been building up inside of me.

Well, anyways, I don't even know if I'll ever have a car to drive again until I get a full time job and can afford to finance one. That is part of why I've been so upset. The other part of it is that just the way the whole story played out last night, with the car drawing closer to giving out each meter that it traveled. It got to a point where I had to turn off all the heat, the lights, everything when it was pitch black outside. Even my dashboard froze and the lights turned off so I couldn't see how fast I was going. But even if the dashboard lights were on, it wouldn't have mattered because the speedometer froze.

So as the car finally got back into the parking lot, I turned it off one last time. I swear, the car could've just given out when I was still on the road. But seeing as the car is the only damn thing in this world that really cares about me, it refused to leave me stranded in the middle of Calgary at night. Just with the way it happened is why I'm so angry at why it's got to happen.

The stupid thing is that I know exactly how this is going to play out. God's the one in control and that's how I like it. Things suck like crap right now and I know that I just have to go through with it because that's what God's written. So I really have no choice but to just live through until somehow things get better. Other than the car being fixed and having me pay a shitload of money that I don't even have for that to occur, I don't see myself having a vehicle anymore.What this means is that I can't do crap when I'm in Calgary. I have to meet requirements to graduate; and part of these requirements is to be working at a church. This church that I'm at right now is a 30 minute drive for heaven's sake.

With the last 24 hours and the way things unfolded, once again I'm finding myself being bitter and angry at the way life works. I'm not going to lie, over the last year, whenever I'm upset, I'm honestly just praying for Jesus to come back or at least take me up with him. I know these are some dangerous things to be asking, especially the latter. But it kind of just shows that I haven't been ideally what you'd call "happy" or "joyful".

And the other stupid thing is that with the state that I'm in, it goes against everything that I believe in. I tell people that there's no point to worry and all that kind of crap to try to paint a picture with sunshine and flowers, but reality of things is that life is going to suck and does suck. I've been such a huge positivity person and just promoted optimism in general; but recently, and you can probably tell too, that I'm really becoming a cynic and pessimist. This part of the journey that I'm at just isn't allowing me to live out what I preach, thus making me a hypocrite.

When I try to take a look on the big picture, the whole "perspective" crap that we often spew out, I see that I'm just a 20 year old kid that's trying to make it through Bible college. Quite frankly, things only get worse from here on out because even though living the life of a student is legitimately unfair, being in full time ministry is quite possibly worse and will be worse at times.

The absolute worst part of all this is that it always feels like nobody gives a damn. I'm here barely holding on, and other than well wishes, which is already few and far in between, what do I get? Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all, other than the fact that I'm left feeling sorry for myself and trying to force pity upon myself.

Honest question: what's the bloody point?

Off

2011-10-23T00:03:00.000-06:00

Everyone has off days. So far, it's been an off year for me even though it's only been about two months into the school year. Everything I'm doing or have done is just not to the level of standard that I'm used to. But why?

I think that it is most notable in the papers that I have been writing. Before I hand in my papers, I always try to read it over; unfortunately, every one that I've read so far has been awful. Part of it is probably because of my procrastination that seems to be at an all time high until recently where I was slapped in the face (figuratively, of course) and started to pick up my act.

Not going to lie, I haven't felt like myself for very much of this school year. I've tried to think about it to see where or what is bothering me. I probably know why, I'm just avoiding it. Haha.

So, as I have two somewhat minor papers due this week, I hope to change my ways! Even though what is distracting me from doing well in school isn't really school related, I need to learn to re-focus again.

Thankfully, I went to First Alliance Church tonight for a Saturday worship. It was so neat! First of all, I've never been to a Saturday worship before, so I wasn't really feeling like I was in a worship mood. But I love attending these big churches once in a while because it adds to my perspective of how churches are run.

I loved the experience! Anyways, I'm starting to do better...

... So I totally got sidetracked and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I was saying.

And I feel terrible for forgetting, so I'm going to end my post here and come back to it when I remember!

Food

2011-10-15T23:11:00.002-06:00

So, there are always those things that people seem to tell you, and at the time you hear it you don't think too much about it, but some time later it totally comes true and you get one of those "I told you so" type of moments.

Last year, and I didn't think it was possible, but I lost over 10 pounds over the course of the school year. It was quite visible too, according to some people, about how I had gotten skinnier. Funny, because I didn't think I could; but apparently, I can. So over the four months that I was home, I tried to gain it back - it kind of worked.

I swore to myself that I was not going to let this occur again this year. A month and a half of school later, I think it might happen. I cannot stand eating cafeteria food everyday. It tastes awful, and is hardly ever filling to the point that it can put me through to the next meal. The worst thing about it is that it is so bloody expensive. If it didn't cost an arm or a leg every time I wanted to get something to eat, maybe I wouldn't be as reluctant to go get something. I remember, and had a good guess that it'd be true, years ago when some people told me that cafeteria food is awful to be living on. I didn't think that it'd actually come to a point where I'd be living off of cafe food.

I haven't intentionally done it, but I've caught myself trying to get around it a few times: I've skipped some meals. The best example will be that over the last two days, I didn't eat lunch. Sure, I've been tight on time for doing my paper, but I still think that it is inexcusable that I'm not eating enough. And because I'm not eating enough, I am reminded of what it feels like to have next to no energy or ability to function because of the lack of food in my stomach. It kind of sucks.

So my eating habits are pretty bad already, and I sure as heck hope that it doesn't come down to me losing weight again because I'm already skinny enough.

The challenge now is that I find a way to stay full! If you ask me, I'd probably choose to be getting fat rather than getting skinny now in the state that I'm in. Don't get me wrong though! I still prefer to be skinny over being fat; but my point is that if I had to choose between getting fat off cafeteria food over getting skinny, I'd pick fat. Because I don't like being hungry!

Oh well, I'll learn to deal (=

Slap In the Face!

2011-10-12T17:12:00.000-06:00

Every year, it seems like I am lazy as heck to start off a school year. I've been in school for a lot of years now, and it has never changed. So as it's been the same again this year, I've been incredibly lazy - more so than I was last year. I think that last year was a pleasant surprise because I had never found such joy in being in school and studying something that I was passionate about. But with this being my second year, I kind of unintentionally carried that entitlement in thinking that I know what this is all about.

People talk about the "sophomore jinx" in sports and how when a player gets complacent, they stop trying as hard after their first year because they know what's up. So, with that being said, I've been absolutely brutal this year.

Usually, it takes something to slap me in the face that will wake me up and scare me in order for me to really start working. I think that's happened now. Unfortunately, it happened a little too late and I am quite potentially screwed.

As today is Wednesday, these are some of the things that I am facing over the next few days. Tomorrow, I have a Greek exam; it is a given that a few hours will be needed to study for this because I need to memorize the vocab and learn all the rules of how the words work. I also have to get together with my Sociology group tomorrow to put our presentation together and get ready to present on Tuesday. At night, I'm going to be going to church to have a worship practice with people I have never played with before. Automatically, that takes another few hours out of my day. All of this is kind of hindering at what I really want to focus on the most: my Practical Theology paper. This beast of a thing is to be ten to twelve pages, and just today have I started to do my research - it's due on Monday. This weekend, I'm going to have to also put together a couple of somewhat minor papers for my Practicum Reflection class, but they're not as minor in the sense that my prof is very particular about what and how he wants the paper to be done. My first paper, although it was my fault for forgetting about it, shows that certain profs like things done in ways that others may not. With the weekend approaching, I have to meet my practicum peoples on Friday; then there is a missions conference over the weekend which I am helping with worship.

Now that I seem to have woken up from the "summer syndrome" that kept me from being productive for the first month and a half of school, I am finally finding the ability to focus - kind of. The main concern for me is the theology paper on communion but there are so many other little assignments and stuff that I need to do, it makes for a very choppy and itchy progress.

So now that I'm about to go for supper, hoping that it tastes good tonight, I guess I found some time to blog and vent out some of the things that I need to do. I would never intentionally put myself into this position for being so cramped for time; but hey, this is my biggest weakness after all. I just hope that I can finish things to the quality that I'd like them to be because I know what I'm capable of, the laziness just prevents me from doing that.

GET TO WORK!

Giving Thanks

2011-10-10T20:01:00.000-06:00

I think it's an annual thing (duh!) where everyone writes off a list of things that they are grateful for when the time of Thanksgiving comes around.

And of course, we're also going to complain about why we don't live like this everyday and only be thankful for one weekend of the year.

Anyways, I am specially thankful for my parents. I've said this a few times before, but I strongly believe that I have the best parents in the world. Obviously, almost everyone will disagree with me and I can totally understand, since "best" is usually of an opinion anyway. Regardless, there is nothing that will or could change my mind about thinking that though, about having the #1 parents in the world.

I keep thinking about where I am, and then thinking about how much of it has to do with my parents. Simply speaking, the only reason that I am today is because of my parents. And really, that's about all that needs to be said. I am a living testimony of my parents work, and there is no way I could ever even come close to being a portion of the parent that my parents are. The only reason why people would think highly of me is because of the reputation and status that my parents have held me up to.

I could go on and on, but I feel that this is quite enough to be said.

(=

A State of Trance

2011-10-02T23:57:00.003-06:00

Tonight just may be one of my favorite Sunday nights of all time. To kind of throw you right into where I'm right now, paint yourself this picture -

You're sitting in your bed, covers pulled up to your waist and your back leaning on your pillow. Your laptop is sitting gently on your lap and you have your earphones plugged into your ears from your computer. There's a lot of things happening outside; but right now, you just don't give a damn. The music that's flowing from the computer to your ears is just so calm and soothing to your mind. You're in a state of trance, of solitude. Nothing else matters right now and you can just about feel every muscle in your body being relaxed. Not a care in the world.

The only thing that I left open was what kind of music was playing. Recently, and partly because I haven't been able to find some good new music, I've diverted to a lot of electronica. Just a few years ago, I was never a fan of electronica because I felt the music never had any flow or any structure to it. All it ever was were just beats and a catchy little riff or something that lasted a few minutes. But I can legitimately say that there's some talent out there now with the electronica that's being produced. And no, I don't mean club music or any of that kind of stuff.

Okay, maybe a bit of it can be played in clubs, but they're better. Or maybe my tastes have just changed? Who knows. But I've discovered something so full of bliss with this kind of music - it captivates my entire spirit, it seems. Most of what I'm listening to is really calm, engaging and relaxing music. You can call it musical therapy.

So tonight, coincidentally, a lot of my friends and I just so happened to be expecting a long night of work or studying. I know how grueling these nights can be so I decided to try to do something to make it more fun and lighten it up a bit! I threw out a challenge on Facebook that seemed to spread even beyond just my circle of friends! Definitely a proud moment. So I gathered all the pictures that I had seen with my friends work stations and posted them into one post on my Tumblr if you want to see.

I know that it ultimately might have hindered my productivity, but I'll trade my work for good fellowship and bonding time any day. It's all about relationships after all ain't it?

So anyways, as I sit in my bed in the situation that I described above, I am listening to my music and I'm absolutely in a state of trance. Everything that I'm typing out right now is literally all that I'm thinking about, translated from my brain to my fingers. There isn't another thought outside of one other one, that I haven't typed on this blog post over the last several minutes. And I feel like that thought probably isn't worth sharing, haha.

To be honest, I haven't felt this relaxed mentally in a very long time. I'm sure I'll eventually come back to gripes with all that I need to do, but I feel like this is so good for me and a lot of other people: to have that time in the day where they can just relax and drift away for a long time and not care about it at all.

In case you're wondering about what I'm listening to and want to search some of it up, you can! Aside from a lot of that popular and "mainstream" electronica like the trance and techno crap that is out there, I'm listening to Blue Sky Black Death and Ludique. I will warn you now that this isn't music for everyone. It's just what I found works for me. It's really helped me calm myself and sometimes I just don't want to escape from the state that I've been put into. Haha.

So with September being out of the way, I hope everyone has had a good first month and are excited and looking forward to all the sweet happenings that October has to offer!

The next thing I need to work on is silence.

Front Loaded Courses

2011-09-29T14:35:00.000-06:00

Aside from the fact that my school's internet sucks, life on campus is convenient. I can wake up 15 minutes before class and I'll still be a couple minutes early. If I want food, I just need to go order it and swipe my card. There's workout facilities, plenty of bathrooms across the school, etc.

For whatever reason, my professor decided that he would make all his courses front loaded in an attempt to make it easier for us towards the end of the term. But this tactic only works if you're the only professor trying to do that. And because I have two classes with this professor, it means two of my courses automatically have all the big assignments due at the beginning of the term. This doesn't even account for my other three classes that are doing pretty much the same.

So this basically means that I'm pretty much screwed. I'm still in a summer holiday mood and feeling lazy; so there is pretty much no motivation to work. But it's okay! I will park myself in the school library in an attempt to steal some better internet so I can browse the internet without the disconnecting every 5 minutes. Conveniently enough, sitting in the library, the atmosphere is somewhat making me feel like I should work because everyone else is pretty much doing it. Maybe it's a win-win situation? No way. I can't do my internet stuff and work at the same time. My multitasking abilities are pretty weak.

But anyways, I have my stuff laid out in front of me and if I'm lucky I'll get some of these thoughts and notes into a Word document. The assignment is due next Wednesday so I really need to start writing. The good thing is that this paper is about worship and it's not as big of a beast as some of the theology papers I had to write last year.

You, the loyal reader that I love so much, probably don't care what my paper is supposed to be about but I'm going to tell you anyway! I have to write a 6-8 page paper that describes my stance on worship. There's a bunch of questions I need to attempt to answer, so it should be fun. Basically I'm writing a theology of worship.

So I'll be trying to give my position on questions like "what is worship", "why should we worship", "who can worship, why", etc., etc. It should be fun, and I know it's going to be fun writing on these topics; but I think the fact that I need to use about 5-6 sources kind of turns me off because it means that I have to read. Darn it! Haha.

Speaking of reading, I've recently discovered a pretty decent joy for reading the Bible, which is something that I've been needing for the longest time. So I guess that's a start!

So the first month of the new school year is pretty much coming to an end. I hope everyone has had a good start!

Turning Tables

2011-09-23T11:11:00.001-06:00

Well, this week was definitely a week worth remembering for multiple reasons. School has been decent. I'm still having a bit of trouble really getting down to work, but it's getting there!

The first half of the week was so full of bliss. I had so much joy in me for the first few days for many reasons. I was pleasantly surprised with visitors on Monday and Tuesday, and it was really cool to see people that I don't get to see often. I also had a lot of "fun" with Greek this week. All those translations and all the rules of this and that probably aged my brain a few years, but it was fun to experience. In my other religion classes, I really like the professor so paying attention has been easy and engaging with the topic as well. As for my practicum, it finally looks like there's a more definitive role for me that's starting to be laid out. So no more of that awkward sitting in on junior high and high school groups looking like another one of them. Haha.

Also with this week, I experienced how one person can make me feel like I'm on top of the world and then the most useless piece of garbage over the span of a couple of moments. I didn't know it was possible, but I guess it is. Aside from all the overreacting on my part and whatever else kind of factors that contributed to such a harsh and sudden turning of tables, I feel like there's something really valuable for me to learn, even if I haven't quite found out what it is exactly yet.

I've realized that in a relationship between two people, whether it is a friend, significant other, parent, sibling, etc., there are going to be times where there are rough patches that might cause a bit of tension and make things uncomfortable or sour. It's usually in these times where someone's true colors start to show, everything from how they handle the situation to where the relationship goes after that point of conflict.

When I think about it, I haven't had any of these situations happen to me in a very long time. From what it seemed to me anyway, most people were pretty cool with me and I never got into any fights or arguments that would cause bitterness or whatever. So having it happen this week, it caught me a little by surprise and I might not have done the best that I could have to handle it initially. And now that I've recovered from the initial shock a little bit, I hope that the amends I've tried to make will fix things a little bit. I'm honestly not entirely sure if my relationship with this person will ever be back to the way it was, literally, a few minutes before the tables turned. If you ask me, it was probably my fault that it even happened in the first place; but just the way that it played out, it was like how Tiger Woods was arguably the most respected athlete in the world, and the second his affairs were discovered, he lost almost all of it immediately. That's pretty much the extent to what I felt like happened, which is why I said earlier that it was amazing how one person could make me feel so amazing; and then all of a sudden, like I'm the worst person in the world.

So with that being said, here's hoping that my relationship with this person can heal without too much scarring.

Happy Friday, everyone! (=

Getting Used to "New"

2011-09-18T18:17:00.000-06:00

I thought about putting my title as getting used to the "different", but I thought that it's not the right mindset to have.

Quite obviously, everything has been different for me so far. The biggest change is the whole living in community aspect. I'm still not exactly used to it even though it's been better than I thought. Especially the last few days, I've been having trouble working myself up to interacting with people. In a sense, I've really caved into myself again. I remember the last few nights where I just kind of sat in my bed while there seemed to be quite a bit of stuff happening outside and I just kind of sat there not doing anything - no real thoughts or anything. And to kind of make things worse, I'm just consistently tired now, even with a full night's sleep. This doesn't really bode well because this is the week that I really have to start working.

Maybe there's too much on my mind? Who knows. But with school and a lot of other extracurricular things, it's seeming like I don't have any time on the down low. Even going to church has a bit of a school motif behind it because I'm doing my practicum. If things keep going like this, I don't even want to begin imagining what it feels like for the people to have burnt out.

And more recently, as in the last couple months, my mind has been constantly clouded with one thing; so even if I am not thinking about school or church, I'm thinking about this other thing. I feel like it's just such a battle in my brain when I'm trying to focus, it keeps popping up - kind of distracting.

With church, it's really neat to see what kind of an experience each one brings. With South Gate Alliance, it's been really interesting. I think that if I were just visiting or casually attending, I wouldn't think too much of it; but because I'm a practicum student at this church, I kind of automatically start thinking about how things are run and maybe how it can be better. I was raised a certain way so I'm going to think about how I would want to do things to change a worship service to form into the way that I grew up seeing it. I think it's perfectly natural, but I probably shouldn't be jumping to conclusions so fast about how this area could be this way, or that could be that way. So I tried to change my point of view during this morning's worship to try to see things in a new way, but I'm not going to lie, it was tough.

In a sense, this excites me because I get to see a pretty different way of structure and maybe even emphasis in how a church's routine week can look like. So I guess what I'm really saying is that, other than the size of the church, South Gate is next to nothing like NEAC. Don't get me wrong though, I don't mind, I just need to get used to it.

So as another week is about to begin, I just hope that I can recharge enough because a majority of my courses are front loaded and so most of the work will be done before the end of October. I definitely also need to take time to force myself to not think about or do anything related to school, church, and whatever else distracts me from having God first in my life, and just spend time reading the Bible, praying and listening to God. I know it'll be tough, but I have to do it.

Keeping Up

2011-09-11T16:53:00.000-06:00

Hard to imagine that I was moving in right around this time last week. It's been a week and it seems like it's been such a long time.

After the first few days, I'd settled in and unpacked pretty much everything by the time classes got going. I got pretty lucky and managed to get back to taking five courses each semester. So my Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays are pretty relaxed as I only have one class each of those days - they're in the afternoon as well.

It's amazing how much energy the people on res have. I've found myself being exhausted at the end of most days and how much I enjoyed quiet time in the evening. I think this really confirms how much of an introvert I am. It's strange because I feed off of energy from the people around me, but I never realized how much I loved silence until now.

Anyways, everything is going underway now that the school year is back in full flight. Getting to meet some new people at church has been nice too. The only thing I find strange is that for some reason, the pastor and I somehow agreed upon not introducing me as the practicum student yet. So going to the junior high and high school fellowship on Friday, and then going to Sunday school this morning, felt really strange because all the kids expected me to be their age. So I had to cave and tell a few of them who I am because it'd just be strange if I told them that I'm in grade 11 or 12. One thing that I do like though is that the youth seem pretty open and energetic here, a lot less reserved than the ones back home in NEAC.

It's much tougher trying to get to know people without already having previous connections in the church like I did last year to kind of show you around and introduce you to the people. And add to the fact that the size of South Gate is closer to the size of NEAC, so it will definitely be tougher to remember people's names. But it's not like I'm not used to meeting new people right? Haha.

So I guess with the second week coming up, I'm pretty excited. I look forward to continuing to get to know people better and build stronger friendships down the road.

I have a feeling that I'm going to get owned by Greek.

Speaking of which, HOCKEY'S BACK! YEAH!

Moved In!

2011-09-04T23:15:00.001-06:00

So the new year has arrived, so to speak. Today felt like such a rush and now that I have a chance to wind down a little bit, it feels great. Let me take you through the past few days, the way I saw it.

It ended like this. I walk into my room after a pretty eventful night that included Marble Slab, ultimate frisbee, watching a firetruck put out a fire, more ultimate frisbee, and walk into my room with my roommate sleeping. Due to trying to be polite and being a klutz, I stumbled through the room trying to find where my stuff is - most of it is still packed - took a quick shower, and popped open my laptop and sat on my bed.

To be honest, it's all overwhelming so far. I can barely remember people's names other than the ones that were on my team when we played ultimate. I think this year has been a bit of a reversal from last year in how I reacted to the move. Last year, I felt good up until the move. When I got down, I lost it. This year was a bit different.

The last few days were extremely tough for me. And thanks to probably my favorite person as of right now, I was able to talk things through and vent a little bit; otherwise, I could have possibly broken down before today. So after service, I felt kind of bad for forcing my brother and sister to have to leave right away and started the drive down. When I arrived at Ambrose, I didn't feel too bad at all. It was actually quite pleasant in that people came quickly to help me move my stuff into my room.

After I put everything down, I went to Dairy Queen with the family for supper. Then we came back to drop me off and said goodbye. It didn't feel too bad at all. Of course, everyone already knows each other here; so in the conversations, I'm still a bit on the outside looking in. However, some people have been pretty nice to me already and we had some good chats.

There's definitely going to be a lot of getting used to the life that is here on residence. In fact, I probably still haven't registered that I'm actually here yet. It's just all too surreal.

So tomorrow, I think I have some orientation things to do - group activities and registrations type of things. I think the thing I'll miss the most is milk. I haven't figured out a good way for me to be able to get the milk that I love to drink in the morning and at night. I just might have to go get some for myself and label my name on it.

But I know it'll just take some time and I'll be right in the thick of things. I just hope that it'll happen fast; that I'll make the friends I want to make right away, and be on my way with my studies.

Speaking of which, I have no idea where I'm gonna get my breakfast tomorrow. Shoot!

A Year Later

2011-09-02T21:56:00.002-06:00

A year ago, I was sitting in my new room thinking. I spent way too many nights in that room being confused and probably feeling lonely. To put it quite frankly, my first year at Ambrose was tough. Many things were less than ideal, but I just don't live life that way to keep dwelling on them, or looking at things that way.

Now I'm sitting at my kitchen table just one day removed from having to move down to Calgary again. I didn't intend to do it, but the recent deaths of three hockey players and their link to depression has really got me thinking. It breaks my heart to have to hear about people go through these things on a daily basis. I did some thinking about what sort of things might lead to depression and what sort of things someone might experience when they are in that state. It's very sad. I wish the best to all the families and friends that have been affected by these deaths.

What does this have to do with Calgary? I don't know, really. I just have a hard time thinking that I have to leave again. I think the difference between this year and last year though is that I tried to push aside all the feelings that were going through my head last year, partly because I had no idea what to expect. And so when things finally happened, I kind of caved all at once. This time around, I have a better idea of what to think about and what to expect my brain and heart would be feeling like. It's not very much easier the second time around. My body and mind are still recovering from a really high paced and demanding two months of soccer and teaching the kids about God, so it's been a tough week of transition for me.

There were quite a few times over this passed week where I kind of just found myself sitting here like a fruit. When I realized that I was literally only breathing and blinking, I kind of caught myself in some sort of strange intermediate state about trying to find out what coaching soccer did for me and needing to get ready for school.

And so here I am, with one day left until I hit the road again to move back to Calgary. I'm moving into the residence this year and I'm nervous about it. Since finishing soccer, my mind has just been a mess and I don't think I've made much sense at all this week - in what I said, wrote, thought, etc. So if this blog post doesn't make sense, you now know why.

Half of me is incredibly excited to move into res and start school. The other half is holding on to what I have here at home: my family, my friends, my familiarity. So far, the latter half is winning.

Price Tag

2011-08-31T14:56:00.002-06:00

"Today is my mom's birthday."

I used that as an excuse to go shopping this morning. And from what was intended to be just a casual trip, I came home with more to think about than just the things that I bought.

I've been eying a new pair of jeans and a zip-up hoodie for a while now. So I saw this as the perfect opportunity to seize the time that I have left in Edmonton to buy something as a "reward" for myself before I go back to school.

So I walked out of the store spending quite a bit of money buying those two items that I wanted and started to think about what my mom would want. I always feel like buying presents for moms are always the hardest. They never really want anything; even if they do, they'll never say it because they always put the family first.

Then I walked into the store and I saw a few neat things that I thought I could get. And then I looked at the price tag. There were two different things I wanted to get my mom but the price just could not justify me buying it. After debating for probably 10 minutes, I decided just to get them anyway. As I walk out the store I thought to myself, "why is it that I can so easily spend $200 on myself but struggle to spend $30 for my mom?" And on came the wave of guilty thoughts about how my mom has put us first all our lives, and blah blah blah. I think that even though the prices I paid for the two things I got my mom was a little more than what they should've cost, I should probably stop letting the price of something get in the way of showing someone how much I appreciate them. Sure, there's going to be a line that you can't really cross if something is ridiculously overpriced; but if I can so easily dish out an arm or a leg to buy something for myself, I should be able to do the same for others.

And I thought that when I left the mall, that was the end of it. I pulled close to the stop light where I needed to turn back onto 170th St., and I saw a guy holding a sign that said "I'm hungry. Can you help? I'm sorry." Normally, I just bypass these people without thinking much. And a lot of times, there are people that aren't really hungry and just want the money for drugs or whatever. But regardless of how they got into such a situation, it's a sad story. And this guy looked pretty legit in not having any food - he was pretty young, mid to late 20s is my guess. Even though I don't really care much for most of the people that I pass by with signs, it breaks my heart every time I see one. Whether or not they really need the money for food, having to resort to standing on the street and holding up a sign in hopes that someone feels bad for you is really unfortunate.

I take a look at myself and I know what it's like to not have enough money. Of course, my not having money is totally different from what the people on the streets see has not having money. My not having money is that I don't have enough to pay for school next year. The fortunate thing for me is that I still have a family that is looking out for me in providing what I don't have. And I look at my life and the way I just walked out of the mall spending over $200 while shopping for things that I really don't need, to seeing a guy that just wants money for lunch, it makes me feel like a dick.

So I reached into my pocket and pulled out whatever change I had, add onto the little bit that was just sitting in my cup holder, and I gave all of it to the guy. It was barely 5 bucks, but the smile and appreciation he had brought such joy to me because it felt like I wasn't giving out of reluctance or pity; but rather it was because I wanted to help him.

I've talked many times about leaving a "legacy" behind wherever you go so you can be take a look at how you'll be remembered. I've also talked a lot about how I want it so that when people look at me, they see Jesus. When I put these two things together, I wish that the people that I help out won't remember me for what I did, but the act itself that provided for something that they might not have gotten if it wasn't for it.

It's unfortunate that a source of payment runs this world. I'll never know that guy's name; and I'll probably never see him again; but I hope that through all the people that's provided for him, he'll be drawn toward Jesus more and more.

Forget about the price tag.

Heck of a Summer

2011-08-27T21:35:00.004-06:00

And that concludes the eight weeks of coaching that I was fortunate to do. It was a lot of fun working for AIA and it was an honor that I got to meet so many cool people. The unfortunate thing was that I never did get to really build a bond to the extent that I would've liked with most of the people I met, but that's just the nature of this job. It was a lot of fun working on my stunning tan lines throughout the summer; and it will be even more fun trying to even them out now.

I know that I've regained a lot of my soccer form from many years ago, probably improved too. As far as the spiritual side of things, I'm not sure about what I've learned just yet. There's been a lot of reminders, I just haven't found something that has really stood out to me in terms of being something new. It doesn't mean it's a bad thing because sometimes the best thing that could happen is being reminded of something you may have forgotten or having it grown dim.

In Cochrane, I'll remember Bailey. She was 7 years old and one of the cutest kids I've met this summer.
At NEAC/Steele Heights, I'll remember how strange it felt for me to work in the place I call home.
In Rocky Mt. House, I'll remember the allergies that kept me from doing anything well.
At West Meadows, I'll remember how well we were treated by the church outside of camp.
In Athabasca, I'll remember Jessica. This week was the most fun I had all summer.
In Red Deer, I'll remember Sean and I being the only boys. I'll also remember the Motz's kids.
At SEAC, I'll remember helping the church feel comfortable holding soccer camps for the first time.
In Calgary, I'll remember learning the power of gentleness, patience, and compromise.

I really want to thank anyone that even took a second to think or pray for me throughout the summer. I also think that for everyone I met, whether or not they've already forgotten me, it was a blessing for me to be a small part of your summer. And I guess I also have to thank AIA for hiring me this year.

What now? I'm going to have to turn my attention back to school as I am a week from moving back to Calgary. On September 4th, I'll be breaking down all my walls and be put in a spot that I might not necessarily be comfortable with when I move into res. It'll be quite the experience. Hopefully it treats me as well as this summer treated me.

/summerof2011.

So Soon

2011-08-20T21:24:00.000-06:00

It's hard to imagine that I only have one week of soccer camps left. This summer has been such a blessing to me. It's been so tough but so enjoyable. As of right now, it can easily go down as one of my favorite summers of all time.

Truth be told, I didn't expect for this job to have treated me this way. I feel like I've grown quite a bit in terms of my soccer ability; I'd actually be shocked if I didn't regain a lot of my form from the days that I played a lot because of the amount of times I get to touch the ball in a day. And as for the spiritual side of things, the summer has really been a summer of confirmation for me. I know that ministry is where God wants me, but you can never be reminded enough and have enough of that assurance that you are being backed by the one who wrote history. Having that renewed feeling of knowing that this is where God wants me brings all the joy I need to get up everyday.

As awesome as coaching has been, it needs to end some time. I don't really want to go back to school right now. The biggest reason is because I'm nervous about moving into residence. You should know by now, I'm anti-social. Haha. It's stupid that something so little is all that holds me back from being what I am capable of being - it's always this way. But even though I am scared, I think it'll turn out okay. Part of the "excitement" of living life is that we never know what's happening tomorrow. I do believe, however, that moving into the residence is the right decision for me. So at least I have some confidence in knowing that it'll be fun.

Anyways, our last week will be in Calgary. It's going to be a long drive tomorrow because I hate long drives unless I'm with the people that I would die to be with (hypothetically speaking), and it's going to be blazing hot - my car doesn't have air conditioning. So after the painful drive, I'm going to have a great week coaching my last week for AIA.

This summer is ending too soon!

Perspective

2011-08-13T08:38:00.001-06:00

Working two weeks in a row has really opened my eyes to this whole concept of perspective.

Here's an example: people that have grown up in Edmonton would take a look at places like Vancouver, Toronto, New York, London, etc. to be big cities. On the contrary, those larger cities in the world would look at Edmonton and think that it's a little hamlet; and as for the actual towns and hamlets, they probably don't even exist to people from the big city.

This week, we were in Red Deer. I told one of the volunteers that I'm from Edmonton, and one of the first things that she said was that she refuses to drive in Edmonton. At first, I didn't know what she was saying. And eventually, I realized that it would be the same for me if I was in a place like New York. Even though I suck at it, meeting people and getting to know their background is one of the funnest things to do. It's great to see from the eyes of different types of people that come from different places. So I guess it would be fair that if you grew up in Red Deer, Edmonton and Calgary would be the big city experience for you even if you've traveled to many different places.

With that being said, there's been one thing that I've noticed with all of the camps this summer. I was talking to my boss a couple weeks back about how things were going and there was one thing that seemed to stick out in terms of the people we're meeting. People from the city are so different from people from the smaller towns and villages. When she told me that she's observed that, I couldn't agree more. It's not that the kids and volunteers from the city are bad, but there just seems to be something about the kids from the smaller places that seem really special. I think that vaguely speaking, the people from the towns and villages in general have been much more pleasant to meet. Playing favorites is not the best thing to do, but my 2 favorite kids this summer live in Cochrane and Athabasca - both towns of just a couple thousand people. And to maybe put it in a harsh way, the kids we've gotten in Edmonton just seem a little brattier than the rest. Of course, that's possibly over generalizing, but it's still true. I'd just think that it has to do with the culture where, especially now, the kids are so spoiled in the city.

So, as much as it sucked that Athabasca didn't have a Starbucks or Tim Hortons, or heck, even a McDonalds, I'd go back instantly to be able to see the people that I've met there.

Just my perspective.

Pondering

2011-08-06T23:06:00.000-06:00

One of the biggest things I hate about myself is that I hate saying goodbye, so I almost never say it because there's always hopes that you will see them again in the future.

The thing that has struck me most about these soccer camps that I've been doing is that, a) they are a week long - any kind of relationship we develop with anyone cannot possibly last that long; and b) is there anything more than just simply "planting the seed" that we keep talking about?

As for the relationships, it just frustrates me that anytime I feel like I'm really starting to connect with someone, we have to leave. Sure we can do the whole Facebook thing and "stay connected" or "reconnect", but I still find that it's challenging especially when it comes to kids that don't have Facebook. We're supposed to be role models and good examples to these kids and volunteers; but how much can one week really do? I know that we also talk about how we're not going to see results right away. But for any parent or anyone that's been in the mentoring position before, don't you think that you'll want to be there when your child graduates, or when your pupil surpasses the master? I sure has heck would want to be there. Instead, we're told that we have to leave it in the hands of the church and the community to continue watering and growing these seeds that we place in the kids lives. To me, it's not good enough. Why? Because I am forced to put my faith into other people to develop my relationship with a kid that they did not create. And of course, we have to trust that God is going to use these one week camps to influence childrens' lives someway and somehow.

I don't know about you, but I personally want to develop my own relationships with people and not have others do it for me. It only seems like the logical thing to do, don't you think? So as we plant these seeds into the kids' lives with our words and our actions, it seems that we're missing a glaring detail. While we're "planting" these seeds, we're growing a special bond with certain kids. So to use an example, if I plant a seed in the garden, wouldn't it only make sense that I would want to be the one that waters it and nourish it and watch it grow? Maybe I need to change my mindset, or maybe I've just found my true calling. Because if it were up to me, I'd want to spend all the time in the world with those that I've created a special bond with. I don't like this whole "you have one week to plant as many seeds as you can and then move on to the next camp to do the same" type of system. Obviously, we're not purely a numbers driven motif, but given what we have to work with, it's hard to do anything more - if you know what I'm saying.

All it really means though is that I just have a hard time letting go. And if so, it really shouldn't be coming as a surprise to anyone because that's me. Maybe it's just me, but I actually value the relationships that I have with other people that God has blessed me with.

If working for AIA has taught me anything, this would be what I learned. Don't get me wrong, I am having a blast. Everything has gone better than I could ever imagine it to be as far as the traveling and the camps go. It's just that when I think about the mark that I leave, or the impression that I give, one week just doesn't do enough.

Don't get me wrong. It's just that I got pushed over the edge a little bit when for the second time in my life today, I was told that I'm going to be missed by a child that I got to spend quality time with. It's not that I was told that I'll be missed for a second time; it is that I was told that I'll be missed, but for the second time, I didn't know what to respond with because I have no idea that I'll ever see them again.

Is it wrong to think that the relationships I make are intended to be lifelong? I wouldn't think so. If it is wrong, then you are in desperate need to learn about God's intentions from the beginning. I don't know, I just hate that I know that there's a possibility for me to not be able to follow through on a lot of people's wishes.

Just my pondering for the night.

The Fine Line

2011-07-31T23:45:00.000-06:00

Until I graduate and until I'm free of debt (if I have any), there will always be a battle between two sides for me. One side is for the money, and the other side is for the experience. We all know that I won't be making top dollar when I start my working career, and I'm okay with that. But until I get there, this tug of war will continue.

What do I mean, exactly? Over the last couple summers, basically whenever I've needed to find work, I've always struggled between looking at places that will pay me good money versus places that will get me good experience. The jobs that are both are often rare and I'm usually not really qualified for them - or at the very least, the people that apply outclass me by a large margin.

I'm glad I took the AIA job though. When I decided to do it, I knew very well that it would mean that I wouldn't have enough money to support my school and living for the next year. I'm doing my very best to stay away from student loans and borrowing money; but sometimes you end up having to choose either experience or pay, and this time I chose the former.

It's been a lot of fun. Even though I know I don't have enough money to go to school, I'm not going to worry about it. I think I'm lucky because I've accepted and learned that money is not going to run my world. I know a lot of people that have money as a defining factor for the way that they live, and I am not one of them. Even if they aren't doing it intentionally, money plays a much bigger role in their life than it needs to. But that's reality, money runs our world and so there has to be some sort of influence on each person.

With all of this being said, I'm halfway through my summer job as a soccer coach. As dark as I've become, I've really enjoyed every moment of it since training started. I think that no matter what happens for the second half of work, this summer will go down as one of my favorites. Easily. One thing that I've really loved is that nothing has really bothered me enough to make me feel any different than I am now. Sure there were some inconveniences and unfortunate things, but I don't think I've had so much joy in being able to do what I love, be active and get paid for it too.

Anyways, tomorrow I'll be driving out to Athabasca with 2 of the other coaches. This week is going to be exciting because it is a huge camp that is sponsored by ministry organizations. So I'm just really stoked to see what's going to happen.

It's been a really fun month of July! I'm excited to be able to continue to mature as a person and to grow in ways that I can't even imagine.

Catching My Breath

2011-07-23T10:37:00.000-06:00

When I really think about it now, I don't know when the last time I woke up without having my nose not being clogged up was. It's been that long. With this past week, I really got to appreciate what it means to be able to breathe properly.

I can normally be around animals if I'm visiting someones house. I know I have some allergies to their fur, but it usually isn't so bad - until I started living with them that is. Being on an acreage this week, the family had cats and dogs in their house. I felt it right away. When I woke up on Monday for camps, I hadn't felt so bad in years.

I don't think it's a good thing, but most days when I wake up, my nose is plugged to some degree. Sometimes, it's really minor and I can ignore it until it clears up throughout the day. Other times, I will have to blow my nose a couple times and it will be good for the rest of the day. Throughout this entire week, I don't think I have ever had so much trouble clearing my windpipe and pathways that air needs to go through.

It got to a climax on Thursday night/Friday morning. I woke up at around 1:00am and I had so much trouble breathing. I couldn't breathe through my left nostril and my eye also seemed to be glued shut. It took me probably 45 minutes to be able to have things even out again and be able to go back to bed. It was a painful 45 minutes.

Anyways, camp this week was okay. I'd like to think that it went better than I am picturing it to be because of my allergies. However, it did feel different from the two previous camps though. I didn't feel like I was as focused and engaged, for whatever reason, in connecting with the campers and volunteer coaches as much. As the week wore on, I definitely did get to connect better with the guy coaches, but that seemed to be about it. There are a few kids that definitely stood out to me and I was able to have a lot of fun with them, so I think that that was still pretty good.

Maybe part of it is that I'm coming from such familiarity in week 2 with the NEAC/Steele Heights camp that my outlook was a bit blurred. And in my first week in Cochrane, the kids there were really special.

Either way, my thoughts are quite scrambled right now because my mind has been all over the place in the last day or two. But that's okay because I'm home for another couple of days before I head west to West Meadows Baptist to do camps there.

Them mosquitoes better stay the heck away from us. Unlikely, though. Dangggg!

Fresh Air

2011-07-11T16:35:00.000-06:00

Well this feels awfully familiar.

I guess you can tell that I am talking about coaching for a week at my home church. Two things, though.

First is that it feels a little strange to be coaching in the same place that I've been volunteering for the past few years. I try my best not to, but there's naturally a bit of self-entitlement that comes with being here. If you gave me a choice, I probably would have said that I'd prefer not to coach in my home church for this very reason. But regardless of what I think, this is reality. So I'll deal with it. If anything, this only assures me that I will never pastor at my home church, even if it is a last destination type of pastoring. It makes me somewhat sad because no matter where I go, North Edmonton Alliance is my home church and will probably be the church I attend whenever I am in Edmonton. But I do know that it is probably in everyone's best interest that I would never have a future there as a minister. And at the same time, it is not really up to me; if God wants me here, then I'll come here. Realistically speaking though, it's probably not going to happen. However, don't get me wrong, I am very stoked that I do get to work at my home church and it's very exciting for me to see so many kids.

On a side note, we were able to go outside today despite the bad weather. We didn't really have rain until after lunch when it drizzled a little bit but wasn't bad enough that we had to go inside. Hopes are that the rest of the week are at least as good as today, if not better!

Second thing that seems awfully familiar is what is going on inside of me. I mentioned many times before that this summer was going to be spiritually challenging. Especially since I brought four kids to Christ last week, Satan is not going to like that. So over the past few days, I've felt emotionally crappy. I'm not trying to, but some things that are happening are making me question who I am again. It's been talked about that in my past, what lead to the lowest point in my life was my lack of self-esteem and confidence. So since that was an area of weakness, why not attack that again?

A few years ago, I was at a point in my life where I thought that I needed to change who I am in order to fit in more and have people like me better. I don't remember what the end result was, but I can assure you that the entire process of it was not fun to go through. For some reason, I'm at that point again. I'm not doing it on purpose, and I know people respect me for who I am - even though I'm still so immature - but the thoughts are resurfacing and causing me to doubt my personality. Not cool.

But all of this doesn't mean bad things though, I feel. Because I know I need to be a much more mature person as I am now a bit older. I can't act like a child in many aspects of life anymore, so it's good that all this evaluation of my personal character will help me in becoming stronger as a person and more confident in who I am. I love that God has been putting me in situations where eyes are on me over the last year, and it allows me to be more aware of the image that I put on because I know what I want people to see when they look at me.

So the good thing is that I can finally see where my spiritual life is heading, or where it needs to go, over the next little while. Once I am more mature, I will be able to relate to people better and hopefully be able to develop some really strong relationships.

That's the goal.

Breathless

2011-07-01T21:11:00.001-06:00

This week was probably one of the best weeks I've had in a very long time. We went out to Camp Sunnybrae, which is about 15-20 minutes from Salmon Arm, for coaches training camp. At first, I wasn't too excited that it was a very camping like feel with the lake and everything, but I am not sure what I should've expected if it wasn't going to be like that. So, anyways, after some initial timidness from seeing how boss everyone seemed to be, I felt much better.

We didn't really do much other than meet our teams and get some things started after arriving on Monday afternoon. We drove out to the pitch and did a couple of soccer activities, and went back for some talks and such. At night, I am going to admit that sleeping with 7 other guys in the same room is very awkward. The sausage fest packed a whole lot of heat, so it felt really hot throughout the night. I was shocked, however, to find that a lot of the guys were really respectful and actually went to bed by 11:00pm. So after rolling around for a couple hours because of the heat, I finally fell asleep.

The first full day of training was a load of fun. I can't even remember what we did throughout the day but I know I had a blast. All sorts of talking about how to handle kids to all the soccer things we need to know, we did it. I wasn't exactly sure what my teams dynamics would be like, but I think we'll get along quite well. We each have such different personalities and character traits that some people might find it hard that we're a team. But I think that it is because we possess such different qualities that we'll be able to be a really good team.

I will not forget the Tuesday night when a few of us decided to join some of the elderly people at the campfire. A side note is that during our training, we shared the camp with an old people's retreat. I got to meet a few of these people and they are some of the nicest people that I've ever met. So anyways, being at that campfire and listening to some testimonies and singing along with them made me really happy. A lot of the stories that the people brought really touched me and inspired me to continue living in God's light.

As training progressed through the second day, I was really starting to warm up to everyone that was there. I know that I'm slow and it takes a while for me to be able to be really open with people, but I really felt that we were creating something very special. We were together for just two full days and it felt like we knew each other for years. I'm sure everyone at training would admit to that. On the night of Wednesday, we decided to gather as a team around the campfire to do communion and have some light worship. I was given the privilege to lead a couple songs and it was fantastic. But a note to anyone that will ever think about playing guitar in front of a fire: don't do it. It ruins your guitar and that is the reason for why I didn't bring mine.

Anyways, it was sad that we needed to leave on Thursday morning, and it seemed like no one really wanted to anyway. But we had our summers of coaching ahead of us so we had to say our goodbyes. I might have mentioned before that I don't like saying goodbye, but the fact that it is most likely that I will never get to see some of the again, I had to. And I'll be honest, if I had the chance, I would definitely go out of my way to see at least one of them.

So here I am, after a day of traveling and a day of rest, I have a bit of time to reflect and prepare myself for the first camp in Cochrane. There is also one other thing that I discovered at camp that has just completely flooded my mind since leaving, but I'm probably not ready to talk about it yet (or at least put on my blog). I'm still trying to figure out where I stand on the situation so I can see if it will be really worth my time to pursue it any further anyway. However, I am open to talking about it if it is just you and me.

So yeah, this has been my week of coaches training with AIA. To say that I had a blast would be an understatement. If time could have been frozen, I would say that I'd have been in heaven.

Happy birthday Canada.

Training

2011-06-25T23:23:00.000-06:00

Training at Salmon Arm starts tomorrow, and it will go until Thursday. Camps will begin the Sunday after, starting in Cochrane.

A thing to pray for is that I have somewhere to stay that isn't too inconvenient between the time of when training ends to the start of camps. I can always come back to Edmonton, but considering that my first week is in Cochrane, it doesn't make too much sense for me to come back and then have to drive down in a couple of days.

Another thing is that I hate traveling. So a lot of patience and tolerance will be needed for me to make it through all the travel from week to week.

One last thing is that I'm still not 100% healthy since being sick from a few weeks ago. I still have a few moments in a day where I'll hack and cough for a few minutes. So I will desperately need to have enough sleep to not get even more sick.

I'm really excited and nervous for camps, and I know it will be really fun. So I hope that I will be able to get along with my team and look forward to being a huge part of some of the kids' lives.

Here goes nothing!

Time Always Tells

2011-06-23T23:16:00.000-06:00

As I'm listening to Christina Perri's Lovestrong album, I decided that tonight would be a good blogging night. Speaking of Christina Perri, Arms has got to be my favorite song on this album; other than that, there are a few others on there that I've really warmed up to as well. Give her a listen!

This week, I've been counting down the days until my "not-really-doing-anything" part of the summer is over. It kind of saddens me that I don't get to be lazy anymore; and I am also pretty nervous about training and then starting camps in the first week of July. Actually, I think I am more uneasy with the amount of traveling that will need to be done to get to and from camps every week. I've never been a big fan of road trips, and adding onto the fact that I will be the one that's driving half the time, so it's the one thing I'm not looking forward to.

That's about where it ends though, with the things I'm not excited about. Every other aspect of camps has me really stoked and looking forward to. Unfortunately, the deadly combination of bad weather and laziness has brought me to this point of being un-fit. Other than the Sundays of playing soccer and a couple odd occasions where I went outside to exercise, there wasn't much more of it. However, luckily it is not absolutely required of me to be in tip-top shape for camps because I am now a coach, not a player! What now?!

Actually, I'm probably not a very good coach either because I've never been paid to do it before (haha); meaning that there was never a standard for me to live up to. But other than that, I know the next two months will be a lot of fun and a huge challenge too. I look forward to coming out of the experience being stronger than I am right now.

So with a couple days left of my "do-nothing-days", I'll do my best to prepare myself - all the internal stuff, so to speak - for training and for camps. I have a feeling that this will be one of the more demanding things I will have had to endure through in quite a few years, so it adds to the incentive for me to be as strong as possible. Why? This is essentially an evangelism experience. Whenever we tread on the waters of spreading the Gospel, Satan will be active. So hopefully all goes well and we have a great summer of camps.

Time to break out of my shell and prepare myself for work!

No Finish

2011-06-12T21:37:00.001-06:00

I don't remember how many years ago I first heard the two words "no" and "finish" put together in a term that people use. I do know, for a fact, that I first heard it used in hockey. I do remember, however unfortunately, that this term was labeled to me.

I can recall that when we used to play hockey, I scored and scored a lot. I'm not bragging, but that was the fact. I used to score upwards of 10 goals by myself in a single game. And then, I stopped playing for a period of time, and everything took a turn.

After a while, I found myself to be more of a pass first person - a playmaker, so to speak. Not only in hockey, but my playmaking ability translated to soccer too. So, very often now, I don't see the net as well as I see the pass. I don't really mind, but sometimes I do want to score.

Fast forward to today. I was so excited, but so nervous about the soccer game. If you read my post yesterday, my goal was to score three times. I can genuinely say I had the chance to score 5 or 6 times, but passed it up by either passing, not taking the shot, or having the goal jacked from me (haha!).

Other than these opportunities, I felt my game was abysmal. Sure I make some decent passes and carry a few good rushes up the field, but it was definitely not my best showing of abilities in a soccer game.

Regardless, the English side won ~10 to 2. Like I said, the scoring was down significantly, but in reality it still wasn't close.

Again, we have people asking for rematches; and I'd me remised if I didn't plan one in the near future. I love some healthy and friendly competition. It pumps me up. However, this time, I had...

... no finish.

EDIT: gosh, I'm sleepy.. so many spelling/grammar mistakes!

Joga Bonito

2011-06-11T23:25:00.003-06:00

~ The Beautiful Game ~

Soccer is the most popular sport in the world for a reason.

I had this picture as my profile picture for a while. To this day, I'm still not sure how I managed to pull it off under pressure. But regardless, it is probably one of the proudest moments of my life. (LOL)

Anyways, I'm pretty excited for tomorrow because we're going to be playing our English versus Chinese congregation soccer game after church. The weather looks to be in perfect condition. And the stage has been set with all the trash-talking that we've done. How do I know? I've heard some feedback about people not being impressed with what I've said over the last couple weeks. It's funny how it works - joking around trying to lighten things up gets taken so seriously and interpreted the wrong way. In the end, it adds fuel to the fire, and it just fires me up even more.

I feed off of the energy that is around me, and by the looks of it (even with the short-ish notice), people are excited. Unlike last year, when we played our floor hockey game, I can genuinely say that I don't know what to expect this time around. How many people will show up? What's the score going to be like? Normally, soccer is not a shifts game like hockey is. By the rules, a team is only allowed three substitutes all game long. But given most of our physical fitness, I'm sure we'll appreciate the unlimited subs we'll be allowed.

Either way, I'm going to go into this game with a different mindset as I did during the hockey game. I'm going to be greedy this time and try to score as much as I can. I have and always will be a pass first guy; but I feel like being greedy this time. I'm not sure how much I'll play and how hard I'll try, but my aim is three goals.

Excited!

Ew.. Second Coming!

2011-06-08T11:16:00.003-06:00

Like, amen! Young and hip lingo has now brought the term "sick" into some pretty interesting uses, to say the least.

Picking up from where we left off with finally finding a job for the summer, I had a perfect plan to start getting ready and getting into shape for the summer.

And then I get sick. In fact, as I am typing this, I am hacking away at my lungs, via cough.

Not only had I not been able to put my "get fit" plan into motion, for a good three of four days, I couldn't even talk because my throat hurt so much. And then there was a day where I felt good again, only to discover I started to have a runny nose by night time. And when you get a runny nose, you know what comes next. That's right! I start coughing. On Sunday morning, I was to be helping with the worship. But when I woke up and said good morning to my parents, the voice that came out of my mouth was probably the ugliest thing anyone had ever heard since Carl Lewis's attempt at the national anthem.

It kind of sucked because I was really looking forward to be able to not be lead singer in a worship team for a change. But I guess that no one would want to hear my voice anyway. So I just innocently played the guitar throughout worship, which was still fun, but wasn't able to really open my mouth without coughing. Later that day, I gave a try at playing soccer for half an hour - and I'd have to say it turned out okay. Obviously, I couldn't breathe very well because my lungs and nose were all clogged up; but I was still able to make a few plays and such!

So what has now been a week and a half that I haven't been able to engage in any real physical activity (along with the somewhat crummy weather), I am hopeful that I can still arrive at training being in somewhat of a decent shape. But until I can breathe heavily without dying from a cough, I will probably have to stick to really light activities, which in hindsight doesn't do anything because of my body's high threshold level of what is considered exercising.

The strange thing is that I'm not usually one that gets sick often. And even when I do, it doesn't last more than a day or two. So this definitely isn't very good, but I'll have to deal with it. I think I should be pretty close to 100% by week's end.

Hopefully!

Onto other news, there will be a second coming this Sunday! Last year, I foretold of Armageddon. Well, let's just say that the "thousand-year reign" is over now, and the second coming will be commencing soon. That's right! English versus Chinese in soccer! Unfortunately, we couldn't book a gym to play game two of hockey, but this hardly makes a difference. By the time Sunday is over, many brains on the Chinese side will wonder to themselves, "what is this magnificent and unstoppable force that keeps destroying us no matter what we do??" ... Okay, theologically, there might have been a lot of incorrect things I just said, but it's okay for this instance. The point has been made. More on this later.

Yeah.

FTN! (A Letter to the Canucks)

2011-06-02T21:49:00.006-06:00

*Warning: this post contains buckets of hate. Read at your own discretion.

No, that does not stand for "Food Television Network."

“I’d say 90 percent of the guys in the league want nothing to do with seeing them win,” [Ryan] Whitney said a few hours before Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals. “There’s no doubting their team’s pretty amazing. But who makes up that team makes them so tough to like that it’s frustrating to see them doing this well.”

Them, obviously, refers to the Vancouver Canucks. I've watched hockey for probably 14 or 15 years now. Evidently, my memories 14 or 15 years ago are not very good; but it doesn't take away the fact that I, at the very least, have been aware that this game existed for that long. My earliest memory is in 1997, when Todd Marchant scored the overtime winner against Dallas in game 7. Part of the reason why I remember was because of the reaction I saw and heard. I was positioned a few meters in front of the TV - my dad to my left. When Marchant scored the goal, my dad went crazy; the reaction from these images that I saw on the TV and what I could hear made sure that it was a historic moment. Doug Weight said it best during his retirement interview this past week:

"We were paying $40 million dollars less than the salary of the team you are playing in the playoffs, and you are 30 points behind them, but we ended up beating two of those teams and it was a proud moment for me."

It took me, probably, another 10 years to understand what that really meant for a team that is barely clinging on to beat a powerhouse that was the Stars back then. Unfortunately, as an Oilers fan, there haven't been many glorious memories to remember in the span of my lifetime.

The segway back to how this is relative to the Vancouver Canucks is easy. Being at the age of 20, there is a good range in both directions - old and young - of "fans" that can relate to hockey as much as I can. The Canucks have missed the playoffs, in the last 15 years, more times than they have made it passed the second round. The team has made the finals, for what is now, the third time in their 40 year history; none of the trips to the finals have won them a cup. To put this into perspective, in the ~30 years that the Oilers have been in the NHL, they have won five championships, losing in the finals twice. It's true that pretty much all of the Oilers' glory came in the 80s, but when you put everything into perspective, a championship is a championship.

Yet, the fans who claim the Vancouver Canucks as a team that are going to be the next dynasty have no idea what a winning franchise means or looks like. It's amazing, listening to the Canuck fans, rave about how amazing the team is. A few years ago, I was talking to a fan about their team. He told me that if they signed Mats Sundin, they'd win the cup. The tone in his voice sounded like if there was anything that couldn't be more sure in this world, that that would be it: Sundin helping the Canucks win the cup. At the time, I laughed so hard at the prospect of having an "old and average, passed his prime" player being the saviour of a franchise's playoff hopes. I don't need to speak of what happened the year after. Props to him for predicting that the Canucks did, indeed, sign Sundin though.

Ryan Whitney describes the Canucks organization perfectly. If you want to read the rest of the article from which I took his quote from, click here. The majority of people in this world are not NHL players, so we can't legitimately say, and back up, the opinion that an organization is a joke. Whitney, however, is a pro hockey player; and what he said in that article is backed up by, according to him, 90% of the league - and probably the rest of the hockey world too. What I can do though, is speak on behalf of the fans.

I've come to know quite a few Canuck fans in my life. I think it is fair to generalize their fans, because they're all the same. The only exception would be those that were prior to the '94 cup run they had. Last time I checked, you would probably have to be born in the '80s at the latest to really have any memory of that year. I was born in 1991, and my earliest hockey memory came at the age of 6, so no one born around the time I was would have any recollection of being alive in 1994, let alone being aware of the cup run and its significance. Don't worry, I do in fact know some of these "pre-cup run" fans; they are great people and great fans.

For quite a while, I was confused as to why Canuck fans are so irritating. They're often acting like they're in some exclusive elite club of fanatics. Not only are their chins always up, they like it that way too. I've seen instances where people were talking about not liking the idea that Canucks are the most likely team to bring the cup back to Canada, Canucks fans would arrogantly troll in and say "good, that's the way I like it." Strangely enough, not too many other fans are so as full of themselves as the Canuck fans are. No fans of other teams that I know come close to the amount of arrogance that these fans have - unless, of course, they are trolling.

But you know what? Forget what I just said. Forget I said anything. I could've ranted on for pages more, but that won't do any good. This post has already become way too long. And if you skipped everything, I hope you catch onto this section, here. The modern era of Canuck fans have no idea what winning is like. No idea. The only experience of winning that they have is the Canadian Olympic teams. So, this cockiness that has come out of nowhere, is probably a result of seeing some regular season success.

As a conclusion, these fans are just trying to feel good by taking whatever successes they can get. So be it. Why not? Let's give them all the glory. After all, these poor people don't know what it's like to be in the limelight. So, let's just give it to them; feed them all they can eat. Bloat them. Knowing their personalities, they're just going to grow higher and higher. Again, so be it. Inevitably, the higher you go, the harder you fall. And when the day finally comes for their organization to come tumbling down, we'll have some good hockey fans, at last. When that happens, or how hard they will fall, nobody knows. But until then, we're stuck with this organization and the fans. Love 'em or hate 'em, they're the best team in the league right now. So why not have them win the cup?

Canuck - noun.

a. a Canadian

I guess they are representing the entire country. Go Canucks!

LOL... Yeah right.

Got It

2011-05-31T18:31:00.002-06:00

Well, it only took three years for me to finally get the job; but I got it. In case you missed it, I wrote a little something over at my Tumblr - which you can read here - because Blogspot was broken for a couple of days.

I was once again persuaded to apply to be a coach for some soccer camps. Yep, AIA has hired me to be one of their coaches this summer. I find it a bit weird, because progressing through the last three years, I don't find myself being anymore qualified for the job than I originally was. Obviously, I don't have the soccer experience that a lot of the coaches have. But my love for the game is pretty evident, I would think. It's funny how I had zero intentions of applying, but for everything that I did want to apply to, I didn't get; whereas the one I didn't originally want, I end up getting.

So, with that being said, I now have something to do everyday! Once my sore throat subsides, I will need to get my butt off the couch and go for a run everyday. I might want to build some strength as well. But I don't think paying for a gym for a month will be the most cost effective. If anyone knows any good methods of training at home without all the high tech equipment, let me know! But the most important thing is my cardio. I need to make sure my lungs and heart are in good condition, which given the way this last year went, is not very good right now.

Excited!

Caught In the Middle

2011-05-18T23:56:00.000-06:00

Okay, here is what happened.

I found the church that I wanted to do my practicum at. I was actually pretty excited to get to see what that church is like. Everything was working out pretty well, albeit a little late. After I came home, things became quiet for a week or two, so I wanted to see what was going on with the situation.

After waiting a week for an email, I am told that the site is no good for me, meaning I have to find a different place to work at. Obviously, I was in a state of shock. I had no idea why things sudden turned around because it was going so well.

So after doing my best to not sound utterly disappointed, I got my answers. The pastor at the church has decided to leave for a different ministry in Edmonton. Since I first started talking to them about this, nothing was finalized yet, so it is understandable that he had to go about things as normally as he would because it wasn't for sure that he'd take that opportunity. But now that he has, I just happened to be the unfortunate one that got caught in between. It even caught my field education director off guard. So, I'm quite a bit unhappy with what played out; but it's reality, so I have to suck it up and move on.

This puts me back on square one with having to call up churches to see what they're about. Except it's tougher this time around because a) I'm in Edmonton, so any attempts to visit/meet the church is tough; and b) it's well into the summer, meaning the churches know I've taken too long to find a church even if I explain the situation. And let's face it, most of us would much rather be doing other things than have to worry about schooling during my time off.

Now, not only do I have to look for a job, I have to look for another church. Admittedly, it's going to take me a while to get over this one. I probably shouldn't, but I'm going to remember this and see what happens in this church that made God keep me away from it. But I guess it isn't entirely uncalled for because I keep tabs on most things that I come across. Based on my experience, I'd hate to be someone that acts like I know next to nothing about you after not having seen/talk to you over a period of time, even if we've shared some good experiences in the past. If we've shared experiences in the past, I will remember it; and my relationship starts out exactly where it left off. I don't know if that even makes sense, but I've come to know a few of these type of people that treat you like you didn't mean a whole lot to them before by the way they talk to you in more present times - and it's quite irritating the way they can talk to someone like they have no memory of them. Anyways, I am getting a bit off topic. The point is I don't want to be like that. Every relationship I have is special and unique in its own way, and I would never treat a person like a total stranger if they aren't. So, that is why I keep tabs on people/things.

So, yeah. I will need to drag my lazy butt off the couch and phone up a couple churches to explain my situation and hope that one of them will take me in. Such a nuisance. When all is said and done, I will be happier. Haha.

Sharing

2011-05-16T21:33:00.005-06:00

Before I made my way back to Edmonton, I was asked to share on one of the Sunday school times during the two summer months. I settled on July 10. So, if it is worth your time, you can come to listen to me speak for 20-30 minutes.

A group of people were asked to share about their experiences in ministry or passion to serve God in a life-long capacity. I know that July 10 is still a little far away, but I think it could never hurt to start thinking about where and what part of my life I should share.

Most importantly, I want to make it relevant to everyone that is listening. I’m one of those people that want to be worth your time listening to. I hope it doesn’t turn out to be something where you sit there for the duration, and at the end of it think to yourself, “wow, that was a waste of time.”

So, as I start exploring things to share, what sort of things might be interesting for the listener to hear and maybe even take away something worthwhile?

And Then Some

2011-05-09T23:24:00.000-06:00

I remember back in September, when I just got to Calgary, I had trouble unpacking all of my belongings. The knowledge that I am not going to be staying here for any extended amount of time makes it tough to unpack. Fast forward to now, I am finding the same thing. I told my parents that I'd have all my things cleaned up and put back, but I haven't done that yet.

-- Intermission for a couple StarCraft games --

Okay, well.. I lost those games. Anyways, as I was saying, it's tough for me to find any motivation or incentive to unpack everything when I know I'm going to be leaving again in a few months. So, for the people that basically live out of suitcases, props to you!

As for the job hunting, I need to keep applying until I can get myself an interview. I was told that it is harder to find a job now than it was my last time around. Just great. Either way, I need to work; so I'm going to have to pretty much apply for anything and everything until I get one. So, if you're reading this and know of some places that may be hiring, let me know!

With everything else, it is pretty chill right now. I'm staying up late, sleeping in, not doing a whole lot. The only thing on TV that I find worth watching is hockey since the playoffs and World Championships are on - and probably the random movie that I find interesting.

Since there's still about two months until summer REALLY kicks into gear, trying to get things started will be slow and tough. I desperately want to start exercising again, so hopefully there will be enough people up for playing soccer soon. And unfortunately, the chances of having game two of English versus Chinese in hockey are pretty slim. The gym is booked up completely! I guess we always have soccer, which should be more evenly matched. I would like to be bold and say that if we do manage a rematch in hockey, the English side will win by an even bigger goal differential; I will personally contribute to at least 15 goals - goals and assists added together, of course. But, since we haven't booked the gym yet, I can't defend my claim.

I think I also want to make a huge effort to hang out with people more often. I still find myself being rather strange on the whole introvert/extrovert scale. Yes, I need to be alone sometimes. But at the same time, I can get so energized when I am with friends and people that I care about. A big goal of mine is to be able to build some really strong relationships, so I'm going to work at it.

I'm also really excited at the prospect of being able to play with full worship teams again! Without needing to think about leading, playing in a worship team is probably amongst my favorite activities. This past weekend, a nice lady came to our church to train our voices. It's so obvious that so many of us needed the help. It was quite funny how everything she says that singers will do that is bad, I do them. What has helped me in my experience of singing is when I started recording myself. It's been beaten to death by now, but I must state again that I'm an incredibly fast learner. By studying my own flaws in my recordings, and listening and watching others, I know what I need to work on. It just takes too much practice. But I know that I will never be a very good singer, so I won't be leading much worship from here on out.

Forget about the price tag!

Foresee

2011-05-05T00:20:00.000-06:00

Thankfully, the car didn't break down during the drive back up to Edmonton. I can't really push the speed up to where I usually want to be travelling at, but that's okay. Nevertheless, I have been back home for a few days now. After getting home, I realized that I brought down way too many things for just a single person. I said that I'd clean up all the boxes and clothes over this week, but I haven't even started on it yet. Oops.

As nice as it is to be home for an extended period of time, rather than just the week or two, the knowledge of it being temporary still gets to me. It's just a good thing that the people that I've known are still the same people, so it helps me with coping with the initial shock.

Well, what do I have to do for the next ~4 months? Get a job. Apply for res. Finish paperwork with next year's practicum church. Find out why all the courses I want as a fifth for the winter 2012 term conflict with my other courses. And I should probably pay off that dumb speeding ticket real soon too. I've applied for a few places to work, and I will continue to look. Maybe I will eventually have to go into the food industry because some really nice people around me have offered a couple of spots in their restaurant. But I guess I will wait a couple days and continue to look to see what else there is before I resort to going into the food stuff.

Anyways, that's about all I've got for now. It's just nice to not have to think about papers and exams for a while. Hopefully by the end of the summer, I'll have made enough money to get me through next year.

All She Wrote

2011-04-30T00:04:00.002-06:00

Well, I was going to use the Skylar Grey song "Coming Home" for my blog title, but thanks to Jeff, he used it first. So, instead, I decided to steal another phrase that all the cool people seem to be using now.

This seems to be all she wrote for my first year of real university. I don't count my year at the UofA being a real year because I really didn't gain or learn anything from my time there other than the fact that it was a mistake to apply. And of course, the year that I took off to work, there was no school at all. I digress.

I guess tonight is my last night here in this spot that I seem to have been stapled in over the last school year. It's definitely been unique, regarding my living situation. For next year, it looks like I've been challenged to go live on residence at the school. So, I'm going to hold my breath and hope for the best because I'm terrified of being around people 24/7. But anyways, I think it will be good and I'll be glad I made the choice because it's what I said from the beginning. So it just means that everything is unfolding now, with everything playing out, and it should be fun.

With school, it was fun. I have to say that if I'm talking just specifically about school and the learning experience, it was great. It was so refreshing to be learning the things that I am most passionate about. To me, it didn't always feel like school - and it shouldn't. It was more like church everyday. And I was absolutely amazed at how I responded to what I learned. I can really understand now why people say that it's most important to get a solid theology base before I want to specify in a specific ministry. It's pretty cool how a lot of our beliefs can be articulated the way that they are. Our beliefs are our beliefs; many of us aren't "advanced" enough to really think about our beliefs and materialize them. Fortunately, I've been "materializing" my faith this past year, and I had a blast doing it.

As for the "life-in-school" experience, I'll admit, was rather forgettable. A large reason for the part is because I just was never at school due to the commute. I never even started attending chapel until the second semester. Another part of it is just because I'm lousy at initiating conversations and making friends. Don't get me wrong, I have made friends; but even then, it was frustrating to be in the situation that I was one (part of the reason I'm moving into res). So I think it is fair to say that my experience with the whole "life on campus" thing was nowhere near what I expected or hoped for. Definitely looking to improve on this next year though.

I think overall speaking, the year was quite legendary. Looking at it now, I don't regret anything because everything that happened did so for a reason, and has led me to being at this particular point that I'm at. I said that I would visit CCBC one last time tonight, and I stuck to my word. I'll admit that I didn't REALLY want to go because I wanted to wind down a bit; but I'm always amazed at the experience whenever I walk out of the church. I probably should've saw it coming, but there was a surprise for me at the end of the night. I decided to join in with the youth for gym night, and when I went downstairs after, there it was: a cake. I honestly did not see it coming, because I really didn't think it was necessary. But regardless of what I think, it happened and I'm grateful.

This CCBC group is really special. I never got a chance to tell them that, but I think anyone in my position would see it. I hope the leaders in the church can see it too. In terms of the closeness of their relationships, it is off the charts. The first step, in my opinion, in building a solid church is by having great relationships within the church. Usually, it starts with great leaders. Even if a large portion of the congregation doesn't have much knowledge about this Christian life or the Bible, it's a starting point to have that deep connection with people in the church where things really start to take off. I see CCBC being at that stage now. And at the end of the day, I'm incredibly grateful that I was included in this church over the last year. Unfortunately, paths lead me to a point where I have to go a different way; but I will be coming back to what I've learned from this church time and time again when I am possibly pastoring my own congregation in the future.

I don't want to go on too much longer because I'm getting sleepy and my shoulder is sore. But as for everything else, my parents will be coming down tomorrow morning. We'll have a brunch together and then after some last bits of packing, will be driving back up to Edmonton.

Looking forward, I desperately need to get a job (hopefully a decent paying one) if I even want to consider coming back down for school in September. Given what I know about myself with regards to job hunting, this will definitely be interesting.

This was all she wrote for year one; but for the rest of my career and life? Not even close.

Through The Phone

2011-04-21T15:27:00.001-06:00

Wow. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I hate talking on the phone. I communicate so much better when it is face-to-face then when it is over the phone - especially with people I don't know, or have just met.

I remember my first over-the-phone interview with Athletes In Action a few years ago... Sorry, scratch that. I remember my first phone interview with Urban Promise in grade 12. It was some of the most awkward conversations that I've had. The only thing that was relevant about that phone conversation was after I hung up. I hung up, and I had no idea what I was saying during the whole thing.

With the interview type of environments, I get nervous. I don't get nervous to the point where I don't know what I'm saying in face-to-face interviews. But when it comes to speaking on the phone, I tend to stutter a lot more, talk in circles, and repeat myself a lot. What gives?

I'm not too sure what the impression of me is for the person on the other side of the line whenever I talk to them. I hope I don't come across as someone that I'm not - that's all I ask for. You could say that I'm just giving myself a hard time, but I would say that communication is something I've needed to work on all my life. I'm not exactly crystal clear when I want to present information (why else am I vague all the time when I blog? Haha).

So why have I suddenly brought this up in a blog post? I just got off the phone with a pastor that I could potentially be working with next year and am absolutely disappointed with the way I carried my half of the conversation. Brutal. I am 100% confident that if we had met face-to-face, I would have been a million times better in the interaction. And because I know that there is exactly zero people that want to listen to me rant about how I hate myself for being such a nob throughout asking my questions and not being clear of what exactly it is I want to know, I decided to put it here. Not entirely sure what this will materialize into; but if it's just a chuckle at how lame I am, that's fine.

Anyway, the conversation is done with now and is out of my control. I just hope that this church can come to like me if I can indeed get to work with them next year. First impressions are always so important, so the one I just made better not have been a hideous one.

As far as the practicum goes, I'm not exactly sure what I expect out of it. I have a good feeling that the people that are dealing with me knows what they want me to get out of the thing than I do. But I guess I'll just pray about it and know that God usually opens my heart to something good. I'm definitely really excited to do it though. At the end of the day, I love meeting new people and seeing what God is doing in different communities across the land. Just the thought of all these things can jack me up pretty good.

Onto other things, I wrote my second final today; it sucked. This psychology class just has no amount of care for, in my mind. I have one more on Monday, and then I will be ready to come home after all my practicum things get finalized. So, yes, even though I want to be home earlier, I think it is good that I stay the extra few days so I can get things ready for next Fall.

I am very excited to be coming home! (=

Characters

2011-04-18T01:01:00.002-06:00

My first year of classes are done with! Well, they have been for a few days now. First off, I realized that the blog list I have that's to the side isn't updating when people on Blogger write a new blog. Strange. So if I miss your new blog post, I am sorry. Haha, not like it matters though, right?

I have been blogging mostly about some pretty material things over the last year; things like what I'm learning in school, how I'm getting used to living away from family, etc., but I don't think I've really talked too much about my own growth as a person.

There's a couple ways to look at how I've progressed this year, I think. From my standpoint, I think I've learned how to articulate myself much better. In a sense, my "abilities" are becoming much more refined. When there is a picture in my head, I'm able to get it out much better than I used to. I also think I've matured in a way that I have taken a look at myself from a third person view. Some time over the course of this year, I've really thought about the person that I project myself as. Indirectly, it's been influenced by quite a lot of exterior things. I've come to know some people that just give me a great vibe about who they are. And since I have always been a person about inspiration, I'm going to take a lot of these things that I like and apply it to my own life. It has always been a strength (or weakness, depending on how you put it) of mine to be able to pick out people that have an influence on me, and then model myself after those positive aspects. To kind of sum it all up, I've really worked on the person that I project myself to be; whether it is through talking, postures, or whatever else that you see based on appearance, I have, in some way or another, taken a look at it. This is all a result of some pretty early realizations that I discovered early into the year when I found out what a bad influence I can be. I remember reading a Mother Teresa book where she said you have to be open to humiliation in order to encounter humility. I thought that there was nothing that could be truer than what she said; and I guess that is what happened.

Switching to the other standpoint, I find some pretty funny things. First of all, I'm still really dumb; I have way too much to learn, and I don't even think I'm at the level of knowledge that I was supposed to attain this year. But even on brief trips back to Edmonton, or through different chats with people I've had at church in Calgary, I've gotten comments about how I've become "so wise" or "so mature." For the first couple times that I heard it, I am pretty sure I laughed. I thought that there was no way, even if I did become wiser or more mature, that the difference would be so noticeable. In fact, I hadn't even though I was any different until more recently. Based on some of the conversations I've had, people are always using the words like "deep" or "hardcore" or whatever. I think it's funny because I'm always like that. But if we look back to my view on the year, I feel like I'm beginning to better articulate myself which probably means that all my "deep" or "wise" thoughts come out better.

Or, it could all be irrelevant and none of anything I just typed is true. Instead, it is because people have started to notice me now. I've never (at least in my opinion) really stood out above or below everyone else. I always thought I fit into the status quo pretty well. So, now that I'm one of those people that have "moved out to go to school" and more specifically to become a pastor, people start noticing me and my actions. So as people begin to notice, all my blog posts, rants, and conversations have suddenly materialized into actual... material. Because when people read my blog or talk to me, they're unconsciously thinking, "this guy's gonna become a pastor; maybe I can get something useful from him." Everyone's a critic right? But who knows, stranger things have happened. I know this is really stretching it because I'm letting my imagination run wild right now, but it isn't without merit. I've mentioned many times that people I have never even seen or talked to have somehow found out who I am and what I'm doing in Calgary; so in that sense, I am being noticed.

And because I'm a thinker, I know that I am reading way too much into this whole situation. Admittedly, it's a lot of fun to imagine. If you don't know, I think in pictures. With each of the scenarios, I've somehow translated the images in my head into the words on this computer screen. If all went well, and assuming that you think in pictures too, then you'll have a similar picture in your head to the one that is in mine.

Different views, and nothing unanimous: this has been a pretty common theme in the things I learn in school. On a side note, I also love to draw parallels and comparisons, which I am doing right now. A lot of intra-Christian beliefs differ from interpretation from the Bible. Groups of people become separated; and thus, we have the diversity of the different types of believers today. In both my situation and the Christian situation, even though there are these interpretation differences, the reason they exist at all is because of the same thing. For me, it is because I have grown and become more mature, regardless of how and in what aspects. For Christianity, it is because God gave us his Word, and the fact that everything is happening to ultimately restore the creation order.

Yeah, I know.

Wrapping Up

2011-04-11T16:20:00.000-06:00

I realized that the post I wrote a couple days ago didn't actually update a whole lot other than whining about gas prices and Bible studies. So, I decided to "take a break" and write.

I reeled in a couple scholarships last week, albeit not the biggest - any amount will help, actually - and it was pretty cool. I guess when you have a small school, they will actually have a chapel dedicated to listing every scholarship and everyone who's won them. The amount I got will help me pay for almost one course, so that is almost one course that I don't have to pay for!

Anyways, technically speaking, all my assignments are done for the year. Because of some inconvenience, there is still one paper that is lingering around; it is a group paper, and there is not too much that I can actually do while I wait. So with that said, I just hope to goodness that I can actually hand some sort of final product in on Wednesday because I really don't want to have to think about this paper anymore. The thing about group papers is that if one person slacks, the group goes nowhere. I don't want to blame my group members, but I was kind of hoping that the paper would be done before the weekend.

Aside from that, all I've got to do is decide on a church I want to work at for the next school year. I'm not actually sure how long the process will take because I waited so long to actually phone churches. But it seemed that our entire group hadn't done it either. Heh. And when I finally decided to phone up a few churches today, no one was available. Is it just me, or do all pastors take Mondays off? I'd personally pick Tuesday, but that's just me. Well, I have a good idea of what church I want, so I'll just have to try to work it out in the next couple weeks.

With my finals, I have three. They are decently spread out, so I will have good time to study for them. The only thing that seems a bit ironic is that my last exam is on Easter Monday. Yeah, I go to a Bible college, and we have to write an exam on Easter Monday. *Insert sarcastic smile* Given my failure of an effort in course work this term, I am actually in an okay position with my grades. Of course, getting a "B" on certain papers will upset me; but I guess once a B's student, always a B's student. So I should be in okay shape as I head into the finals.

Finally, the wonders of looking for a summer job. I haven't started looking yet. I find it funny that one of the goals I made this year was to be more driven; and although I have improved in some areas, there are still those other things that when I think about it, I just want to crawl into my bed and hide. I don't like applying for jobs, what can I say? Hopefully I can get to it soon!

Other than that, it looks like I'll be moving back to Edmonton on the last day of April. I'll take a few days after my last exam to evaluate the year and pack up. Then, on Saturday, I'll be making the drive back up! My parents said they want to have lunch with the family that I live with, which I think is a nice gesture because I don't want to finish my exam and then just jet back up. That's a bit of a jerk move.

So, until then...

Almost There

2011-04-09T01:37:00.000-06:00

Oh man, the end is in sight! Quite ironic that in two of my classes, eschatology is the last thing we study before the year is over. Technically, I'm done all my course work; there is just one final thing I need to put together and then it's done! After that, I'll probably need to start studying for my finals. Luckily, I only have three to write. Hopefully I put in the effort to get to be able to hit my expectations. Writing exams have never been my thing; I've relied on my writing strengths to get by a lot of the time.

The weather is also ballistic. It can go for a week where it looks like Spring is really here. Then suddenly there will be a snow fall dump. I think it's already happened a couple times. Judging by the weather network, it looks like the next week is all sunny. Hopefully, it stays that way. I'm also thankful that my car seems to be running pretty well. At the moment, it has clocked over 222 000km. I'm always paranoid when I get to speeds higher than 80km, because I never know if the engine will suddenly decide to blow up or something. But, I have learned to be thankful each time the car gets me somewhere. It's so much better to be driving, even with the gas prices hitting close to $1.20/L. So, unless it drops back close to the $1.00 mark, which I don't see happening, I'm going to limit myself to $30.00 each time I go to fill up. I'm poor enough as it is.

Bible study with the boys was tonight too - well, technically last night now. It's funny that whenever the topic of "failure" comes up, people are a ton more reserved about speaking up. I don't really blame them, but it's always interesting to see who is open and who isn't. Since I only help with Bible studies, there are always interesting discussions that come up. I do my best to give my answer, but I can never fully explain to the boys what they want to know. I think they ask some great questions, and it just reiterates the reason for why we live. I could just say that "this is why we live" for every answer, but they won't like it. Fact of the matter though, is that it's the truth. We live to search these answers so we can gain better knowledge of... well, everything. Although I think wanting to know is good, I always find that there is a potential danger where the desire to want to know overshadows everything else. We want to know so badly that we forget the reason for why we want to know. Eventually, we might want to know for the sake of knowing, which isn't very good. I'm still learning, and just because I'm in Bible college doesn't mean I'm a step above in any way. It just means I want to take these questions that I have, and make it a living to learn more. Sounds ironic, doesn't it?

Anyways, I think I'll take this weekend to rest up, then start studying for my three finals on Monday. Just a couple more weeks and it's time to pack up again!

Where Is the Love?

2011-04-02T15:45:00.003-06:00

Something dawned on me over the last couple of days. Yesterday, as we all know it, was April fools' day. And from the incredibly bad attempts at playing a joke to some pretty slick ones, I was thoroughly entertained throughout the day. Some time during the morning, I thought to myself: today wouldn't be complete if I didn't pull a couple of jokes. Given my immaturity and childish personality, I would be very upset at myself if I didn't end the day knowing I tricked a few people.

I remembered that a while back, I was watching a video of guy that I absolutely admire. I admire him for his personality, the way he carries himself. He suddenly got onto the topic of sending yourself emails. I know we all do it, whether it's transferring files or whatever. This guy made a suggestion to anyone that sends themselves emails to write a comment, something along the lines of: "you rock." So that later when you opened the email and read the comment, it would make you "teehee." I thought it was the funniest thing I had heard all day; but when I returned to think about this some time later, I found that what he said had so much merit.

Anyways, as I cave in and open my bottle of coke because I was craving it so badly, here's how it related to my April fools. I found a couple of really gullible people, and I decided to tell them something to make them really happy or excited. Of course, I had to find what the person liked in order to come up with a fake story - not a lie, an imaginary story. Haha. So, as a result, it worked. Even though eventually they found out I was just kidding, they would have to admit that throughout the day they were happy because they read what I wrote.

And then it expands even further! Bringing the email thing and the April fools together and the way I feel towards certain things at the moment, it could be something pretty cool... or creepy. In a lot of places that I'm looking, people seem so depressed! Prayer requests are all about how this suck and that sucks, people are driving like animals, and people rarely smile at the store. Everyone, especially students, are so not happy now, that it feels like if they could wake up and be told that they are super cool would brighten up a day by a ton. Maybe it's just me, but I'd think it'd make people friendlier. For me, I'm going to try to incorporate little subtle comments in all my emails or messages to lighten things up.

I feel like a lot of us just need a little love and a reminder that we live life as a community of fellowship and we're never on our own. So to whoever comes across this, just want to let you know that you're awesome for having taken the time out to read my blog!

Credits to the following that have contributed to the thoughts that materialized into this post:

http://yourjoyologist.com/ - I recently discovered the thing of "joyology", and I think it's the most awesome job ever. This is a specific one I found, and by reading through some of the things on that site, it's pretty cool.
101.5 Cool Radio. - I listen to them every morning, and they're one of the better radio stations in Calgary. After a weekend of grey and depressive weather, the sun came out one morning. One of the hosts talked about how everyone will be so much friendlier that day because the sun was out. One of the better mornings I've had after listening to that.
Sean [day9] Plott - The man that told everyone to tell ourselves how cool we are when we send ourselves emails. Definitely one of the classier people I have come to know.
Dave Brotherton - One of my profs that said we should wake up every morning with the attitude of "I woke up today because God wants to tell me something cool."

Best of All Time

2011-03-26T23:33:00.000-06:00

Everybody knows or at least heard about the wonderful incident between Kanye West and Taylor Swift during the MTV Music Awards in 2009. As big of a jerk move that was on Kanye's part, a side of me thought the way he did it was absolutely hilarious. By saying that Beyonce's video was the "best of all time," Kanye gained about 50 million haters; and Taylor gained 100 million fans. To be honest, I was on Taylor Swifts side naturally, but almost two years later, does it even matter anymore? Is anyone still affected by the whole thing? I sure as heck am not. But all of it is irrelevant to the rest of my post. Haha.

In the midst of four papers due in a span of two weeks, I'm currently working on the big mama - the theology term paper. I'm doing my paper on eschatology, and it's been a lot harder than I thought it'd be. Eschatology is the study of end times, or the second coming of Jesus. It sounds so cool right? But I've been having a hard time doing it. When I did my term paper for the first term - on sin - it was a lot of work, but I knew what I was doing the whole time, and that paper saved my butt from getting a bad mark in the course. This time around, the paper is due this coming Thursday, and I have only gone through a couple sources. Dang, son. I honestly don't know how I'm going to be able to finish this to the quality I want it, on top of doing all my other papers too.

It's gonna be tough, but I definitely need to get out of the mindset of "just getting through." I've learned that with that kind of attitude, I'll be accustomed to mediocrity all my life; and mediocrity isn't exactly what we want now is it? Reality speaking, I don't think my papers will be as good as I want them. Thankfully I'm at a A- or B+ in the course right now, so I have a bit of room to use should I need it. Needless to say, though, I don't think these papers that I do will be anywhere near "best of all time" quality. *Sigh*...

Anyways! I bought the new Pokemon game with a gift card I got for my birthday, and I'm back to being the Pokemon master that I once was! So exciting! It's also incredibly dumb how just when the peak of school work hits, there's so many other extra-curricular activities going on that make me want to participate. But I can't. Oh well, I'll suck it up.

Probably need to start looking for a job soon. Year one is almost over - best of all time? In contention!

Ninja

2011-03-20T23:00:00.000-06:00

Admittedly, there are a ton of people who are absolute ninjas at doing things; and I am not one of them. They are too slick and sneaky, and you don't even know that they've done something until quite some time after. And then there are those people who try to be ninjas, but just fail miserably.

Multiple instances this year, I saw someone trying to be all sneaky by acting rather casual; but in the way that the person did it, it could not possibly have been more obvious that he is trying to listen to see what's going on. Normally, I don't mind when someone is trying to check up on me to see how I'm doing. I'm usually quite open to sharing things if I am ever asked, but there's always a line that you just can't cross. The line, of course, differs from people to people depending on your relationship with them.

The worst is when I am having a good conversation with someone, and then the person starts to appear within the vicinity. By trying to stare down and flipping some pages to look like he isn't trying to listen in, it makes me want to pull out my hair. Wouldn't that be a lovely site? But yeah, when I get approached about the conversation I had later, you know that I totally feel violated.

Number one, if you want to join in the conversation, just join in. Unless I'm talking about you in a bad way, I don't really care. Second of all, even if I don't know you're trying to listen to me, why the heck would you approach me later by saying "I overheard you talking with... about..." When I get that, I just role my eyes and then have to begin explaining. By telling me that you overheard me talking to someone about something, you just revealed your invasion of my privacy. You may as well just tell me, "I was listening to you talk about... with... and I'm just wondering what was said?"

It makes absolutely no logical sense to me as to why someone would intentionally listen to your conversation from the outside, and then go and tell me that you were eavesdropping some time later. Because I work this way, it's like being a peeping tom and watching someone change, then telling them later that you were watching them change. Yeah, that's what it feels like. I don't understand.

Some people just weren't meant to be ninjas.

No Love

2011-03-18T10:43:00.001-06:00

My parents were nice enough to give me a car to drive in Calgary. I cannot be thankful enough that I've been able to drive over the last month since getting the car.

However, in a bit of an unorthodox manner, I'm going to rant. Since coming back from Reading Week, I've dealt with, what is now, the third flat tire. Okay, to be fair, the third account isn't exactly flat just yet. But this morning, as I'm starting up my car and scraping the frost off my windows, I looked at one of my tires and it's been slashed again!

Seriously, do people have nothing better to do than to come and cut my tires even AFTER I started parking at a different spot? I don't even know what has to go through someone's retarded mind to force them to go out of their way to come and cut my tire. Maybe it's because they know and feel wonderful from knowing that it's currently causing me a lot of frustration. I'm not even someone that normally gets frustrated, but this is getting very close to it.

I'll let it go the first time, because it just seemed like a regular flat tire that everyone gets at least a few times in their lives. The second time, you got lucky because I drove all the way to school before I realized how broken my tire was. And as people say, the third time's the charm. I've become scarred to the point that since getting my tires replaced after the second time, I've checked my tires each time I step into my car. And luckily enough, this morning, I've spotted the third cut. It's about six to seven inches long on the front right side. The tire isn't flat yet, because the cut still looks rather fresh. But due to my paranoia, I didn't drive and bused to school instead - causing me to be 15 minutes late for class, which thankfully is less than I thought it would be.

Now, I can't drive to church tonight because there is no way I'm going to put the person I'm supposed to drive to church in danger, let alone myself. If all these flat tires only affected me, fine. But it's starting to affect the people I care about, which, by my standards, has officially crossed the line. First, my parents. They know how broke I am so they're always going to offer to pay for all my repairs, being forced to pull out money that they normally wouldn't have to. Secondly, the people that ask me for rides now need to find alternate ways to get to and from the place they want to go. Thanks.

I know that a few years from now, this won't mean a whole lot; but at this present moment, it's absolutely ridiculous. Whoever it was that popped my tires, you did what you wanted to do. Now stop wasting your life and be thankful for what God gave you.

(Nothingness)

2011-03-12T22:03:00.001-07:00

*All stress, worries, grief, sorrow, sadness, pain, hopelessness, distractions, helplessness, futility, and whatever else preventing me from being who I am made to be, be thrown away into...*

Things need to turn around, and fast.

March Madness

2011-03-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

March Madness is the time of the year when a whole crap load of university basketball teams (64 to be exact, although there was talk of expanding it to the 90s) play in a gigantic tournament to see who is the top college team. It's pretty big in the States, and whoever else that decides to follow it. It must be insane for the people that organize this event.

My version of March Madness comes in the form of school. I'm not big into basketball, even though it was invented by a Canadian. I have a paper/exam every week this month and even into the first week of April. The first one is due tomorrow, and I finished that a couple hours ago. Yay! Next week, I have to write a book review on The Pursuit of Holiness; it will probably be the most intense book review I've done this year because there is an actual required structure for this paper. The week after next, I think I have a small reading response paper and then a unit exam. The last week of March is when my big Theology term paper is due. I should probably get started on that in the next day or two. Then to cap it all off, my Psych term paper is due the first week of April.

On top of everything, I am still looking into different churches to do my practicum at next year. I think it will definitely be an interesting experience. It's going to be the first official time that I'm put at a church to "work". I don't have a church yet; but the thought of it kind of makes me nervous. I probably shouldn't, but it's the first time I'm seeing serving the church as the "work" type. I've served all my life, because I wanted to do it for fun. I thought it was good to help and always give back what the community has given to me. Serving was also an excuse for me to get to hang out and grow with a bunch of my friends. It won't be entirely different in terms of practicality for my practicum. And even if I do my best to see it the same way, I know that in the back of my head, it's going to be different. So, as much as I look forward to it, it's going to be interesting to say the least. I know it will be fun though, when it's all said and done.

I should have brought down my wired mouse!

Change of Scenery

2011-03-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

It is currently 9:10pm, on a Wednesday night. The day was a really chilly one, and chilly is not good. Whenever Spring decides to arrive, that'd be cool. On to other things, since I began blogging, I believe it was done on my HP laptop that my dad bought me for university. If I remember right, all my blogging was done on that computer. So now, I will introduce you to my MacBook Pro. That's right, I bought it. And in, what is now, the third day of owning this bad boy, I love just about everything it is and does. So, I decided to write my first blog entry on this guy tonight. Partly because I need to shut everything down and vent, I am now sitting on my bed, with just my laptop and lamp turned on.

Well, where do I even begin? I think I will just flat out say that 2011 has sucked. I think I could attest to many people with that too. This year has not been very good for me, and it's just into the third month. I think the world could possibly be ending a year too soon (see what I did there?). Anyways, I am kind of wondering who is with me on saying that this year has not been good. I can think of at least a few people off the top of my head.

My winter term didn't start out well; and up to this point, I haven't "recovered". I used the word recovered because I feel like I've taken a huge step back in terms of my work ethic and just everything in general. I'm not reading, not doing homework, not studying like I did in the fall term. I'm too far behind, and things only get tougher from here on out. To add on top of all this school stuff, I'm not enjoying my living environment very much either. (Look, Nathan just threw out another grenade) I now have a good idea of what might be best for me next year, in terms of living, but it's not exactly what I want; it's just what I think is best.

Things outside of school and the whole Calgary experience isn't exactly the best either. Aside from my MacBook Pro, I can't really think of many times in the last couple months where I was joyful for an extended amount of time. I think it's just my overall self being dragged down by the tragedies that have gone on. The passing of a distant relative was the closest I've ever experienced in regards to my immediate family. And I feel like I'm still slightly affected by it - by the whole fragility of life. It's so easy, when a couple things don't go your way, to allow your entirety to be affected. Evidently, this is the entire nature of sin. Sin doesn't only affect certain aspects or compartments of our lives; it affects life in its entirety. It sucks.

Also, I was told that I received my first ticket today. After being so blessed to have a car down here, I immediately get a ticket. It's seeming like a big ticket too. So there goes another chunk of money. As of right now, I don't know the specifics of the ticket because I'm not in possession of it. In fact, I am rather confused because given the specifics I have, it makes no sense as to why I've been ticketed.

I don't think I'm the only one that is kind of wishing that this term would just end already. Anyways, I have long thought about how to deal with these low points in life. Funny, because I believe I also predicted that I would be headed in this direction in a previous blog post. Probably the biggest thing is knowing where to find the strength to make it out with minimal damage. When I think about it, it's really simple; but pulling it off is the reason for why we go through these experiences. Of course, you look to the source of all life. I think strength comes in the form of trust and prayer. Believe me, it can be tough to have the faith to know God's going to pull through. But I think we can still be comforted in knowing that hope is not lost, and that there is a greater purpose behind why everything is happening. When I think about that, I'm usually at ease. Praying is also so vital, especially in numbers - self-explanatory. I think I've said this many times: if anyone ever has prayer requests or just wants to talk, I'm always open. I don't guarantee that I can help or do anything, because I'm actually not very good at it; but I'm always willing to pray for you.

Probably not exactly the type of post my dad was looking for, but I tried. Haha. At least I mentioned strength a couple times. Anyways, close to bed time as I have to embark on transit journeys again, starting tomorrow.

The Other Side

2011-02-27T23:38:00.000-07:00

Based on what was originally planned, I would be back in Calgary by now. The thing about life, is that you can plan anything to the finest detail; but there is always possibility that it doesn't turn out the way you initially intended. You can study for hours, memorizing every term and concept, and still end up with a B.

Anyways, an unfortunate event happened last week that caused a family reunion type of thing this weekend. It's so awesome, every time family gets together after having been away for months or years. But the thing is that you always want to gather for the right reasons. But like I said before, we don't control the world; sometimes we try to, but that's just foolish.

I only recall attending one funeral in my life. I was still really young and did not know very much of what was going on and the significance of everything. This time, though, it was much different. I tell people that I have a very large family. When I do, it usually includes all my cousins, my cousins' cousins, and sometimes even my cousins' cousins' cousins. I don't know the proper term for it in English - second cousin or whatever. I don't know everyone as well as I'd like, but you can't win them all.

When we stand in front of death face to face, there is a fear. I think I can speak for almost everyone that the fear is one of uncertainty. Death is the one thing in life that humans cannot rule over. Our minds are powerful enough to do pretty much everything we have ever dreamed of, except conquering death. Death is caused by sin, so there is proof that we are all sinners whether or not we admit it. For me, sitting in that service today, it was so hard not to feel awful or even tear up. Seeing people in such pain is something that has always been something that bothered me. But I'm going to sound and seem very cynical and pessimistic. I don't think we face these situations enough. We see it in movies, we can think about it all we want, but when we're actually there, it's a totally different monster. I'm not saying that it's good to see people leave the earth, but since we don't really think much about this touchy subject, we often don't know how to respond properly, or know what it feels like. Whether someone goes to heaven or hell, that is between them and God; I wouldn't know, and I can only hope it's the former.

Today, as I sat in that spot in the pew, I kept picturing in my mind God walking side by side with her as he was showing her all the cool things he wanted her to see. Through all the weeping and sorrow, it brought a glimpse of joy to me. Everything that was shared, and all the people that showed up really testifies, not only to her, but in a general sense of how much impact someone has had in this world. Even though there weren't a whole lot, my experiences confirm this 100%. It's too bad I never really get to know people as much as I'd like, because I think there's something to like in every person.

There was also a point where I broadened up everything and thought to myself, "how can anyone possibly not believe in God?" Even if it is for the sake of the whole afterlife thing, or at least some sort of hope that life is more than what we see, how can anyone come out to say flat out that there is no God. I guess to make myself a bit more clear, I'm talking about the God that created the world. I've also often wondered how God is perceived differently through different people. Would the God that I believe and know be different from yours? So I guess as a universal common theme that we should share is by going back to creation. Because God reveals himself differently and works in different ways, we have to see the bigger picture through the universe that he created. You can call me crazy, but I just find it impossible to deny the existence of our God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I mean, everything points that way. Like C.S. Lewis said, if you don't believe it, you're either a lunatic or a liar.

Another thing is that while you're in the midst of all that is happening, how do you not think about what it would be like to be in everyone else's shoes? What if it was you that God had decided that your time is up, or you that are the immediate family? It was tough, and I definitely cannot even imagine the pain to be so closely related to the situation.

Anyways, my reading week seems so insignificant given the events that have happened; and I don't mind putting aside blogging about myself to acknowledge these things. There's a lot more that I can say, but I'm getting a bit tired and I will be going back to Calgary tomorrow, so I'll need to get some sleep. I hope that God has revealed himself in some capacity to everyone that was affected.

Rest in peace. I hope I'll get to see you one day, along with everyone else who was called by him to be his own. Then, we'll really get to celebrate.

Empty

2011-02-20T23:28:00.000-07:00

I've been given the privilege to come back to Edmonton for Reading Week; and I'm pretty stoked to be home. Seeing family is always such a refreshing and relieving sight, especially having been away for a little while. It's always good to know you belong somewhere.

Anyways, certain things have happened and have made me think about emptiness. I haven't been able to figure out any good reasons for something to be empty; if you have one, let me know and I'll give you credit! Whether it is empty on gas, empty in your glass, empty in the stomach, they are generally not the coolest feelings. In fact, I experience those things rather frequently, haha.

With the career path that I am going into, it's quite known that the income isn't the greatest. I can testify that I haven't even finished my first year, and I am already feeling what it's like to be broke. After the first few weeks of January, it had gotten to a point where I opened my wallet and there was nothing inside. It was completely empty in terms of money. I can honestly say that I've been so spoiled in my life, that the first time I opened my wallet to see that it was empty, it was such a painful feeling. It's so hard to describe because I cannot relate it to anything or provide any metaphors to explain it. But it did not feel good. Lucky for me, there are some people that care enough about me to help with this issue. I used to tell people that I had no money when I didn't want to spend it, and it was all fun and games; but now, when I say it, it's truth. I don't like to have people to pay for my stuff; but that means I don't like that Jesus has to pay for my sins, so I probably cannot say that. And don't get me wrong, I don't say "I don't have money" hoping that someone pays for me - I used to, but not anymore. Being broke isn't very cool. Rest assured, I do have a bit of money now because of some belated red pocket money that I got from Chinese New Years. Hopefully it lasts me the rest of this term.

I have also heard a few people talk about something in the last couple months. When you're young, there is always something that you are absolutely in love with. Toys, activities, whatever it was, nothing could possibly separate you from the thing you loved. Eventually, you grow out of it, and then that love gets placed into the closet, or stored away somewhere else. Years later, you suddenly stumble upon this thing, and it just brings back a flood of memories and good times. Sometimes, you will be so amazed that you'll fall in love with it again, causing you to try to rekindle that experience you had, only to find that it just isn't the same. All the memories in your mind and the pictures of what was once your life, it's not the same. I am worrying that I am getting that feeling right now. But it's not with any object or hobby or something, it's much bigger. That feeling is also something like an emptiness. When it's all in my mind, it's heaven; but when I actually get back to it in reality, it's rather disappointing. Even though it's really cool and nice to have that refreshing feeling, I think it's sometimes better to just put the past where it belongs and move on. It's always important to acknowledge your past because it shaped you into who you are. But the past is what it is, so sometimes it's better to just leave things there. I wonder if many others that might have been in a similar situation as I am ever felt the same. Probably.

This is about as pessimistic as I am willing to get.

Spend some time with your family tomorrow! Even a phone call would probably be much appreciated.

Lag

2011-02-14T20:21:00.002-07:00

Throughout all my life experiences, I have come to the conclusion that lag is not cool. My first experience of lag would be in the game called StarCraft. This StarCraft computer game has eaten up many hours of my life; but it brings out the nerd in me, so I don't mind. It is always good to be nerdy sometimes, because it makes you feel like there is hope in this society of dumb. I'm not saying people are dumb; actually, that is what I'm saying. Society as a whole has become dumb and dumberer - myself included. However, that is a totally different topic, and I will say no more; or else people will be at the front of my door with pitchforks. But, believe me, there is no need to do that. Because in relation with StarCraft, I can't really play right now due to the lag. I've tried to make some fixes and adjustments to improve the gameplay; but it was so bad to begin with, it doesn't matter how much tweaking I do, it will still lag quite badly when I play. Curse you graphics demanding applications! /endnerd

Much of the experiences I have with lag has always been associated with a computer, until the last couple years. When I started driving, I absolutely failed at judging on how much time it takes for me to get from point A to point B. Today, I still struggle with that. And I know I am not alone when I say that being lagged by traffic is one of the most stressful and miserable things one can experience. There's been multiple accounts on where I have been affected by traffic lag, and there will be many more.

A third type of lag is a universal force. No, not jetlag because not everyone is that affected by it. I am talking about procrastination. Here I am again, saying that I am falling behind in school work; thus, I am lagging behind in my assignments and readings. I just finished a paper not too long ago, it was a book review. I'd be lying if I said I read even half the book, let alone all of it. I get hella lucky with these things, and I know it's going to catch up to me. I have been trying to get by this term through halfass-ing my readings and assignments. Not a good start, and we're almost into the Reading Week - which, I am super stoked about.

In other news, I went to Market Mall today so I could fool around in the Apple store. I'm honestly not sure why I went, because I already have a good idea of how Macs work. Anything beyond the basics, I'd probably have to personally have one in my possession for some amount of time in order to dig deeper in how these computers function. Lucky for me, it looks like the new MacBook Pro will be updated in March sometime. After it comes out, I'll wait a little bit to see some early reviews, and then I'll go make my purchase.

Umm, in some more earthly matters, life is good. School has been a much more pleasant experience this time around, minus the laziness. The slow adjustment continues to move forward and I'm excited to keep going on. I am also beginning the process of looking for a church to do my practicum at next year. On top of that, I will NEED to start looking for a summer job as well. After the MacBook Pro burns a hole in my pants, I need to patch it up quick, so that is why I need a good paying and fun summer job!

I'm single, but happy valentines day to those of you that it applies to!

Teenage Dream

2011-02-07T10:41:00.001-07:00

Not everyone gets the privilege to be writing a paper on their 20th birthday; but as I am a very lucky person, I am doing just that. Though, I still think I will procrastinate until after lunch before I get started.

On a different note, very rarely can I justify for songs to have swears in them. Those songs that drop an F bomb every half a second shows how weak the artist's vocabulary is. When I try to relate this with my teen years, the two words from a song I've been listening to recently describes the last 10 years perfectly. Yes, it is Pink's new song called F*ckin' Perfect. Those would be the two words in which I would use to describe my time as a teenager, and it is completely warranted too. My years as a teen wasn't perfect in the sense that it was flawless, but it was perfect in that everything happened the way it did to make me who I am today. The F bomb in there just puts the emphasis, an adjective - so to speak - on how perfect it was.

Umm, most of my teenage years, I kind of just dreamt them away; almost literally, as I spent a lot of time daydreaming in class, on the car, in my room, etc. Obviously, for someone as young as I am, you can only draw from what you've already lived through; so all I can say right now is that my last 10 years shaped who I am right now.

In terms of this blog, which I created in 2008, this is the third birthday it has lived through. Back in February of 2009, I turned 18 and this is what I had to say at the time. Some friends were nice enough to throw in quite a bit of money to get me the current pair of Nudies I am working on. So, since today marks the two year mark of when I got my Grim Tims, I think I win for longest pair of jeans to go unwashed amongst people that I personally know. But don't get me wrong, just because I haven't washed them doesn't mean I've worn them as much as others have worn theirs. I am still so proud that there is recognition being shown about the whole concept of raw denim - even though most of it is hate. It's kind of funny how I said I'd wash the Tims on the summer of 2010; and look at it now, it's 2011 and I still haven't washed them. Another thing that happened when I turned 18 was when we went to the YMCA to play hockey. It just so happened to be a Saturday that we decided to play hockey, and a Saturday that my birthday decided to fall on. I never intended for that surprise party, which led to the whole hockey playing being kind of a special event for me. I know at least 1 person that wasn't too impressed with that. Haha, but it's all good. Also of note, I believe, is that just a couple days after I became legal, I found God's calling waiting for me; from that point on, my life changed for good.

The day I turned 19, according to my blog, was one of the strangest days I've ever had. I think February of 2010, in general, was just pretty surreal. Right when my birthday rolled around, the Olympics were kicking into full gear. However, according to this blog post, it reminded me of some rather awkward times. It was a Sunday morning, and I was leading worship. From what I remember and my point of view, I was just saying good morning to the congregation, when suddenly I hear Theo counting "1, 2, 3...". The team suddenly starts singing happy birthday. Like, seriously, who does that? LOL. Shortly afterward, someone from Athletes In Action came to share about their ministries because of the success in the soccer camps we ran in the previous few years. During that same sharing, it was mentioned multiple times how the worship team was one of the best she's ever seen and how capable I am of being a soccer coach for the summer camps. I wasn't even going to apply for the job because I applied the year before and realized how under-qualified I was. But I was called out so much, I was pretty much forced to apply because the idea of me getting the job was sold quite well to the entire congregation. Low and behold, I didn't get the job again. When I found out, I was rather bitter about it because how can you go so far to hype someone up and then go, "oh nevermind, we don't want you." Of course, I was extremely disappointed; but a few weeks later, I found out that the coordinator was actually pushing very hard to get me the job; however, due to my lack of involvement in soccer in the last few years, I wasn't able to keep up. Just a note to what that means, is that I stopped playing soccer seriously after grade 10.

I've only mentioned my birthdays post-high school, because that was when I started this blog. And let's face it, most of my high school days are rather forgettable. So, I guess that is how I had spent my last two birthdays. I've mentioned before that the last 3 or 4 years have been insanely huge for me in terms of growth. I'm so thankful for everyone of you that have been part of my life; and I will probably never be able to let go of the attachment that I have for everyone. I am just a result of the awesome that I was surrounded with by the people I know.

Thanks boss.

Why, Hello There

2011-02-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

In the case that you don't know about my YouTube channel, I have one. I have also uploaded a new video that I threw together in an extremely quick fashion. I believe the final product was the 3rd time I played the song. The first time, I just played it; the second time I recorded, but did not like; and recorded it one more time, it being what you hear. Here it is: Have Mercy (Everything We Need) - Gord Johnson.

Lately, I have been completely enamored with the MacBook Pro. Everything about it has just made me marvel the computer and I have wanted to go out to purchase it on about a million different occasions. Well, I can't really say lately; I've wanted a Mac for years now. I was kind of hoping that after I graduated high school, my dad would buy one for me. But instead, I got this little guy that I am currently blogging with. There is nothing wrong with my HP laptop, but I can't play StarCraft on it. Add to the fact that pretty much everyone in my school has a Macbook Pro, it makes me insanely envious. God is testing me, even right in the midst of all this "Christian community" stuff. Agh! I've also been following very closely on the 2011 update for the MBP. No one knows when Apple is going to update the computer to the next version, but I am dying here trying to wait. I've spent many nights contemplating whether or not I should just buy the 2010 version and know what I'm getting rather than wait for the new one, potentially risking some StarCraft performance. But nevertheless, I am going to be buying a Macbook pro this year. Most likely, I will get it shortly after the 2011 version comes out. I know some people aren't exactly fond of the idea of me throwing away tuition/rent money for a new computer that I don't really NEED, but I do believe it is justifiable in a couple years. But, as I wait, I'll just sit by myself - talking to the moon.

Anyways, a few days into February, and I am a bit surprised at a certain situation right now. Normally, I'm not big into the whole birthday thing. Yeah, it's cool that it's the day we celebrate being another year older, but I've never really been fond of celebrating my own. I love celebrating with other people, but when it comes to me, no thanks. So what do I do during my birthday then? Nothing special; I just go about what I normally do (this year will be no different with the paper and midterm that is to follow the next couple days), and at the end of the day I thank God for giving me another year. Seriously, that's about it. This time around though, I think it just hit me that I'm about to flip over the first digit. Heck, I don't even realize that most of my friends are already in their 20s let alone myself being there. In my "younger" days, I always looked up to the people that were close to or in their 20s, because they were so cool. I always wished that I'd one day be like them and can, in turn, do the same to inspire some kids at the age to think the same way I did. Looking at my life now, I think I made it. It's amazing what God has done for me; I know I don't even deserve any of it, but I often have to slap myself a few times to come to the realization that I am who I am.

I kind of look at my life, and people left and right, young and old, a lot of them have respect for who I am and what I do. I know not everyone approves of the way I live with my attitude towards life and how I go about things, but I've always felt that the respect was there. I've probably beaten this to death already, but I always say how people think so highly of me, it seems completely unorthodox because I'm nothing special. At around the age of 20, people start hitting their peaks in terms of the cerebral and fitness. Although I feel disgustingly out of shape (walking up stairs make me tired), I think I do feel like I'm beginning to really gain control of a lot of things that are within my reach. It doesn't take a whole lot for me to understand a concept, it is relatively easy for me to process things in my brain and transfer the proper action to my arms and legs. It's pretty cool.

Okay, you know what? I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. Currently I have loud music on, kids are noisy outside, I'm thinking about my potential Macbook, there's something in my eye, and I just cannot focus on this blog entry. In fact, I think I may have just written something about my body. LOL. T_T

I have a few days of being a teen left, gotta make it worthwhile and do things that only teens do!

Plateau

2011-01-26T22:20:00.000-07:00

I wanted to blog so badly the last couple days, but I kept forgetting. Seeing as I haven't blogged in a week, I'll do that now.

This week, so far, has been a pretty decent week. It hasn't been great; but it is not so bad either. Amazing how the weather can make everything so much better. It's been above 0 degrees this week, and already I'm seeing tank tops and mini skirts. Haha.

School has been slow. Chapel yesterday was really great, and just what I needed too. It feels great that I can finally attend the chapels this term since I have classes before and after. It just seems that I've been serving so much, I've almost forgotten what it's like to just be a member in the congregation and not have to do anything, rather just worship the way I do and absorb everything in. Other than chapel though, I am struggling to get going with school work. Lucky that January is a lighter month without too much that needs to be done. But I am not getting into the groove that I should've been in two weeks ago. The reason is probably that I'm still hungover from Christmas break. I don't think I realized it right away, but that Christmas break was one of the most refreshing times I've had in a few years. Yes, even with the snow, it was refreshing. Half of my classes are really interesting because they're my type of class. The other two are just flat out boring as balls. All it is, is regurgitation of information on and on. Whereas the other two actually allow me to think about this whole Christian thing - which is what I like; nothing is concrete, but at the same time there is so much depth in the truth.

Anyways, through all the rollercoasters in life, I feel like I've hit a bit of a standstill with my spiritual life. I may have mentioned "mountain top" experiences in my other blog (if I didn't, I'm probably going crazy then), and how we can't always be living up there because it is windy, cold and unstable. I have to give my Spiritual Life, Calling and Purpose's professor credit for that awesome analogy. If you want to read more, just click on my Tumblr blog link. In the short few weeks of this term, I've also learned that we don't really grow new characteristics and that kind of stuff. As each day, we unfold these findings about who we are as we trek along our lives. Which makes sense, because ultimately, we are to be like Jesus; so more and more, we just uncover how to be like Jesus.

All that "you should consider Bible college and be a pastor" stuff that God told me was such a revelation, that I was just skyrocketing in my climb up towards a mountain. And now that I'm here, with a term under my belt, I've had some time to really soak it all in. Whenever we get to these "highest points", we can't really see the path going down. We always try to take a peak over the cliff to see how scary or how far down the fall is, but you're still unsure. That is kind of where I'm at right now. I'm at the peak, it feels great. But I'm approaching the edge where the top is coming to an end.

I know that the path down is unpredictable. I could fall really fast, or it could be a slow and steady decline. Either way, I know that as I get more of this doctrinal and knowledge stuff into my mind, I'm going to get challenged on each and every one of them. Who knows, that might be the lowest point in the valley that is to come. If I make it out alive, I'll be stronger than I am now. Or, all hell could break loose and I get completely GG'd by this whole thing. Either way, I'm excited. The process of getting to this plateau was really fun, and I look forward to the next one. Or heck, it might even be possible that I go up to another level that I didn't think I would have. Who knows.

Whatever the result, this is why I wake up every morning.

All Things

2011-01-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

Dang, it seems like 2011 has just begun and there are things happening everywhere that aren't very favorable at all. Myself, personally, I haven't quite settled back into the school routine yet. Getting up every morning has been tough, even if I'm sleeping insanely early.

This lovely winter term of 2011, I find myself stuck with four courses again after one of my courses was dropped from my degree, thus making it no longer necessary for me to stay enrolled in it. So guess what? I have Mondays off again! Wow. A lot of the work intimidates me yet again this term. I am not so sure I can match the results I got in my first term. But it is still incredibly early, so I don't have a whole lot to say as of right now.

I saw Jeff's update, and I thought I would do something similar. A little over half way through January, I've already read, heard, and seen some rather unfortunate things happen to some people I know. I know a lot of times, things seem to happen for the very purpose of going against what we want individually. I'm not going to do a whole chunk of writing to try to offer my sympathies; I'll just post a chunk of videos or songs or whatever I find helps me through these things.

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"Your Love Never Fails" - I've heard this song a little over a year ago, and have always wanted to try leading it for worship. Except it's a really contemporary song and probably would take quite a while for everyone to catch on. I particularly enjoy the bridge. Some people might question it, but it reminds me of Romans 8:28 and how God works for the good of those who love him.

"How He Loves" - David Crowder's version just hits me right in the heart. The song is self-explanatory. It's also funny because I decided to sing it for worship this past Sunday; and since then, I believe it's been sung another few times in multiple worship sessions over a span of a couple days.

"Rain" - For those of us who were here when Ps. Joe and Phil showed us these videos, this will be really familiar. It's a great reminder and shows us through the rain metaphor about all the little storms we go through.

Lastly, there's a whole bunch of Scripture I could list out, but I'm not going to do that because reading God's Word should be standard in pretty much everything we do. Usually reading the Bible coincides with praying.

Last week, during my first spiritual calling class, I learned that as great as the mountain tops feel in life, it's all about the path before and after the peak that make life worth living for. Sure the view and feeling you get when you get to that peak is phenomenal, but you can't live your entire life up there. Mountain tops are usually really cold, windy and unstable; life is the same way, and we can't make a living up there our entire lives. When you do get to the peaks and valleys, you kind of look back at the road that you just took; and that's why we do this. We're all called to live and help each other, and everyone is at a different stage of the road. Some might be at the bottom, some might be on the way up, some might be already on top, and some might be on the way down. Wherever we are, we've got to help each other through it all.

I think this is all I've got. I just wanted to do my best to help anyone who is in the valley right now or have recently been there, or maybe even the point just before the valley.

Up, Up Here We Go

2011-01-12T21:29:00.001-07:00

Maybe a bit of a summary before I go to bed. Yes, it is just past 9:00pm, and I'm thinking about going to bed. Why? I'm lonely and have nothing to do.

So starting last Thursday night, the sky began to have massive diarrhea. I've experienced some pretty intense dumps in my life, but nothing quite like the one we've had that lasted probably three or four days. I've never shoveled snow to a point where the snow is taller than me. There's been times where it's been as tall as I was, but that was way back when I was about three feet tall. When backing out of my driveway, I knew I was going to get stuck eventually, it was just a matter of time. Turns out that every attempt, whether it was me, my mom, or my dad, to get out of the driveway, we got stuck in that pile of poop. I was backing out on Sunday night to go to fellowship, and I couldn't even see if there were cars coming. If I'm standing on the driveway, the snow is literally as tall as I am. I'm about 5'10, so that's actually a lot of snow. Haha.

On Saturday, I got to have my annual exercise at church when I played a bit of hockey. After maneuvering through the manure, I got to church with my brother and it was pretty much fun from there on. I've missed playing hockey. I forget how many goals I scored, but with only about 10 people total, everyone is going to have natural hatty's.

Like I mentioned earlier, Sunday was a day of more diarrhea. Honestly, even though we had to help so many cars get unstuck, these are the best experiences and my favorites. Why? Because we're having fellowship. We're living out the community that we're brought to live together. I was asked to share with the Chinese congregation about my whole Bible college thing so far, and that was pretty cool. It was pretty last minute but I thought it went well. There weren't a whole lot of people at the service (maybe a little over 100?), and that's understandable. In fact, I was told that someone liked my sharing so much, he went to the English worship just to hear me speak again. But I was never asked to speak for the English side, so hopefully he isn't too disappointed. Maybe for the first time, there were more people in the English worship than there was in the Chinese - victory #2!

Sunday night, like I said, went to fellowship. I think a little over a year ago, I didn't have a whole lot of desire to go to fellowship because no one went. It made me pretty disappointed to a point where I thought, "what's the point, if it's the same few people everytime?" But since then, it's so obvious it's gotten so much better. Stats show that once people get into college, most of them don't come back to the church. It's quite sad, but it's a fact. Like I mentioned in my previous post and on my Tumblr, the fact that pretty much all of our group is still here, that has to amount to something. Back to fellowship, it was pretty sweet. There isn't a whole lot of other ways I can put it; it was just pretty darn sweet.

On Monday evening, after a four hour drive, I got back to Calgary. The roads aren't too bad after Red Deer. It's the section from Edmonton to the Deer that's pretty bad. I think that even through Tuesday, I wasn't mentally ready to go back to school. I wasn't in the mindset at all, so I thought it was going to be a struggle today. But luckily, it wasn't. Now it's story time.

First day is always a day of experimenting. I had my first class at 9:45am, so I wanted to get to school a bit earlier to pay my tuition fees. On my way to school, I was rejected by the same bus, same driver on two different occasions. I'm not going to lie, I was swearing at him the second time.. in my head, of course. It felt like he was intentionally trying to avoid having to pick me up on both times. The first time, he didn't even stop at the stop. The second time, at a different stop, I got off the bus and his bus was right behind, so I walked toward him just to see him turn out the lane and blow himself down the road.

However, after the minor inconveniences, I got to school and first day was decent. My New Testament class is huge, so it's rather intimidating; 120 people is about as big a class is going to get at Ambrose. So after my first day, I got home pretty early because I end at 12:30pm; so it's pretty nice to have some earlier days this term. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I may quite possibly be stuck with four courses again this semester.

Stay warm, friends!

Mind Games

2011-01-09T22:52:00.000-07:00

Man, my mind is playing games on me. The second I start to get comfortable in one place, I've gotta go back to the other place. I got comfortable in Calgary, and then I get to go back to Edmonton. I've had so much fun being back in Edmonton, but now I have to go back to Calgary. In under two months, I will be back in Edmonton for Reading Week. My brain is like getting so confused from all the switching back and forth. Like I said before, I have wished I could just pull the two worlds together. Luckily for me, we'll all be together when we get to heaven; so this time and space continuum thing's got nothing on us!

Well, there's been some uncertainty about when I would get back to Calgary - all thanks to this wonderful snowstorm - and the only answer I could give people was "I don't know". The last thing I wanted to do was to take the bus back down because I have an absolute hate for taking the bus. Thankfully I have a ride, and will be leaving tomorrow at around 1-2pm. Just like coming back here, it's going to be weird to have to get used to everything again. I finally feel right back at home after three weeks. I'm not too sure how things would be if it was only the two weeks for Christmas. But, nevertheless, I have adjusted just to have to readjust again. Oh well.

The past three weeks that I've been back has been such a blessing and my mind has been so refreshed. Although I'm physically tired from all the shoveling and StarCraft, I'm glad I got to come home. There's always been something about the people here at NEAC that is something else. I don't know what it is, but I think God is seriously doing something with the English congregation here. Perhaps I will write about the way I view our congregation on my Tumblr, because I have to make use of that one too! But anyways, as people go back to school tomorrow, I'll be on the road and hopefully can get back to Calgary without too many delays. After that, I'll really need to mentally prepare myself for this next term. I know I'm going to have to really do a whole lot better in terms of everything in comparison to my first term. I'll give myself a break (haha, who does that?) and say that the first term was a bit of a warm up for going back to school after having a year off.

So I'm really glad that there's a new year that we get to experience. Being able to see some of you guys just put a smile on my face, even if it were just for a day. Certain things will never change and I am very curious where this NEAC group will be in 5-10 years. If most people are still there, I'll be amazed. Well anyways, I am getting tired, and I took a break while writing this blog post to lose a couple games on StarCraft. I am a nerd, I know. But that's okay, it's irrelevant.

To start off 2011, I want to thank all the people I know that attend or have attended NEAC; you guys are too cool. I also want to thank God for dumping snow everytime I need to travel on the highway, making it more difficult for me to get a ride back, either to Edmonton or Calgary.

And... I'm done. Now I need to go rest my sore body from all the shoveling and hockey.

New Era

2011-01-03T01:28:00.000-07:00

Shoot! It is technically the third day of the new year and I haven't blogged yet! Circumstances have led me to still being up at 1:11am, so I will make the most of it. The first couple days of 2011 have been pretty good. A typical weekend with some family time; not too bad at all, because that's usually the way I like it. Today was the best sermon I've heard in quite some time, so that's definitely a prop to Ps. Alfred. Also, I am not the sharpest, so I spent all of last night trying to figure out whether 2010 was the start of a new decade, or the end of one. Over 24 hours later, I still don't really have an answer, so if anyone would like to enlighten me, please go ahead!

Anyways, I've got a week left before I am back in Calgary. There is one thing that made the trip back to Edmonton worth every minute of the three hour drive: pho. The first time I had pho in Calgary, I thought it was a bit strange. I didn't think it tasted the way I am used to. I think I've only been to two or three different Vietnamese restaurants, so I can't say I've tasted the best of the city; but from all of them, it didn't seem to attract me as much as the ones in Edmonton. And coming back just confirmed all of this. At first, I found it hard to believe Edmonton's pho tasting better, but I had some agreement from others, so I'll take another victory in favor of Edmonton!

Whether 2011 is a new decade or the second year of a new decade, it has a lot of living up to do. The year of 2010 really set the standard of this millennium and it's going to take a lot in 2011 to be able to live up to that. Personally, I don't like to compare; but it's often the case where people come off a high and get challenged quite a bit and experience a lot of lows. So I don't think I'll be too surprised if the calender year of 2011 will be a tough one. 2010 already had its fair share of disastrous events, but it's only going to get worse. I'm not being pessimistic, it's simply reality.

Probably also worth mentioning is that, like some others, I'm not big into the resolution thing. I have my goals and standards, and I'm always going to work toward them - readjusting when it calls for it - and that's about it. I don't think I can really list out things that I would want to include in my "New Year's resolutions" if I had to make one. I am someone that learns through experience, and am usually someone that rides the waves. I don't try to go out of my way to do things or be different, so I wouldn't really have any outstanding or cool things that amaze people that I want to do this year. But regardless of what I think about resolutions and stuff, I'm pretty stoked to share some good memories with some friends and family this year. I will say, though, that I need to be challenged a bit. I think I have my challenges right now, but slowly, I think I will try to push myself a little bit more everyday to be a little bit better than I was yesterday.

Looking forward to a good relaxing week to wrap up my Christmas and New Year's holiday!

Happy New Years Everyone.

Year of the Epic

2010-12-31T23:32:00.003-07:00

I think the consensus is that year 2010 will be a year that we'll look back and say, "yeah - I was part of that". I really don't think we realize it yet, but this year will probably go down in history as one of the greatest years for many, many people. If the world ended tonight, it would be pretty incredible. The year of 2010 really marked some rather historical events for everyone, myself especially. Good, bad, and ugly, this year had it all. And I'm not even going to try to list everything out because that would take hours and I'd still miss a lot of things.

I've been alive for about 20 years; and even though most of my memories are after the new millennium hit, when I look back at things in another 20 years, I can guarantee that 2010 will be a standout year. I can only speak for myself, but there was so much growth this year, that if I tried to plot it onto a chart, the rate would have increased so dramatically that it's just look like a straight vertical line going upwards.

As this is my last post for such a legendary year, I think I'm just going to spend most of my night evaluating how my first semester and winter break has gone. I'll try not to play StarCraft, but I don't guarantee anything.

Since I got home, almost two weeks ago, I'd be lying if I said everything is as I thought it'd be. There's always going to be some insecure (not sure if that's the right word) moments because I don't really know what the reception is going to be like. My family will never change, so nothing really surprised or will surprise me there, but I think outside of that, there's something I'm always unsure about. When I kind of think about it, after leaving home, the image of "home" gets so fuzzy that everything seems fabricated into the perfect place. It's almost expected that the moment I get home, that things pick up where they were before I left. But the laws of this universe don't work that way; unless it's a black hole. It's almost expected that there was some rift in the time and space continuum where I was gone for this time, but when I get back, everything picks up from before I left. Unfortunately, life isn't like that and everything continues even though I'm not there anymore. So basically, everything is still happening, but I'm just not there anymore. And when I get back, I try to pull everything into place, but it just doesn't work that way. I guess this was my only real concern over the last two weeks. When you lose contact with people for an extended time, it's probably a bit weird when you get reconnected. I think everyone knows what I'm talking about. To kind of sum it all up, there's always that fear of being left out. Your best friends aren't really your best friends anymore; they have done lots of things without you so they carry their own swagger while I'm here struggling to keep up. I shouldn't say that your friends aren't friends because friends are always going to be friends, but probably just the chemistry is a bit crooked. I'm not saying this is how I really feel, but the potential is there.

And since I've been back, Christmas has happened, Boxing Day has happened, and a new calender year will be happening in under an hour. I can proudly sit here and tell everyone that I didn't spend much during this Christmas season (relative to past Christmases). I would say I spent about the amount that I would have on a pair of jeans if I had bought one. On Christmas Eve, I went out and bought myself StarCraft II because I was teased by the game the night before. Unfortunately, my laptop can barely run the game so it is really laggy and it makes for a frustrating gaming experience. So I know I'm going to suck mightily at this game, at least until I get a decent computer that can run it without lag. With that, this is basically how I spent my last week: playing StarCraft II. I suck at it, but whatever. I can hold onto the fact that I was one of the better players in old SC (=

So anyways, 2011 is going to start soon, and I'm semi-excited. 2010 is going to be really hard to follow up. There were the Olympics, World Cup, summer camp, moving to Calgary, English versus Chinese hockey, Taylor Hall, etc. Along with all these wonderful things, we can't forget the disasters as well. I had a discussion a while back about why these things happen, and I can only really conclude one thing from it: Jesus is coming back. It's really unfortunate that they happen, but it opens an incredible pathway for us as Christians to evangelize. I learned a lot of things during my first semester, but one concept really stands out. We were made to help accomplish God's mission. Everything happens so God's mission can be finished.

If 2010 was that epic, of course we can follow through and write an even better year in 2011. So what are we waiting for?

EDIT: oh noes! the y2k bug is back! No I didn't write this in Feb of 2009. If I can't fix it, I'm changing my template!

Well...

2010-12-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

... You knew I was going to blog about it. Of course you did. I am home! And... there's not much else to say. Okay, I lied, there is a bit. The snow is great. I thought Calgary was awful at shoveling snow, but I think Edmonton could possibly be worse. But to be fair, Edmonton just finished having a snowstorm, so we'll give it a few more days.

It feels like I've never left. But at the same time, this whole "home is where the heart is" is starting to apply. I can probably start to admit that Calgary is starting to feel like home. As lots of people may or may not know, I get attached easily, and that doesn't always bode well. But it's good. I definitely have two places I can call home.

The only thing is that it hasn't really settled on me that I'm going to be home for three weeks. Last time I came back, it was just for a weekend to see Sarah get baptized. Now, I get to pretty much do what I normally did at home before this Calgary thing started: nothing.

Anyways, I watched Inception tonight. It was pretty good. The whole concept was original and really great and mind-boggling. Yeah, yeah, I hadn't watched it yet. But I can say that I did now.

I don't really have a lot of plans for this winter break, mainly because I no longer have a car. Both my parents will be working most days, so it means I'm stuck at home unless someone wants to take me out - which I doubt, because who would want to do that? So, umm, if anyone wants to do anything.. let me know. Haha!

I want a car! Geez.

This Time

2010-12-18T21:21:00.002-07:00

Four months ago, I was packing up to leave the city I grew up in to start a new life. Today, I am packing some of my stuff to go back to Edmonton. It feels pretty strange. I'm not sure how it's going to be like or how the reception of me going back is going to be like. I've gotten used to Calgary and I would think that life has generally been going uphill since I settled in.

I guess I'll just recap a bit on what my semester has been like. The first couple days after moving here were probably the hardest days I've ever had to live. You can go through all these ups and downs and merry-go-rounds in your life, but nothing quite feels like moving out. I think that even if you're so glad you're moving out, that liberating feeling is pretty amazing. It didn't take too long for me to settle into my life here, though, all thanks to some pretty cool kids and parents that are trying to make things easier for me. Things took a while for me to get going though, as I'd been out of school for a year and being in a completely new environment knowing nobody. But all in all, it was pretty sweet.

Academically, things have been decent I have to admit. I've never been or ever will be an A student, but I do believe I can be in the upper echelon of my classes. I've really learned my strengths and weaknesses in terms of school this term. I now know what I need to get better at, and what I'm already alright at. It's a lot more helpful when I'm doing something that I am so much more comfortable in doing. In terms of results, I don't think my marks will be where I had hoped, but they're decent. I only took four classes, and I'd have to say that two are in the A area, while the other two are probably closer to the B- or C. I needed to maintain a 2.0 GPA, and I think I should be fine there. I've been surprised a couple times with some of the marks I've gotten on my papers, but it's just given me some confidence in knowing that I can do well in school.

I'm going to say, flat out, that the best part of moving to Calgary so far has been the church I attend. Because it's a tiny community, you're going to stick out like a sore thumb like I did when you're new. Especially if you're someone like me, and appear to carry some "ability" in doing things, people are going to notice you. The people have been great to me, and hopefully they like who I am. There are still lots of things about me they don't really know, but I'm sure there will be a chance that I get to show those aspects of me eventually. It goes to show that it doesn't really matter where you are, but if there is a healthy church with healthy people that love God, the feelings of joy are going to remain; because after all, it is the same God we worship.

So it feels a bit strange packing again, but this time to be going home for three weeks. There is some anxiety and some nervous excitement because of the uncertainty of the circumstances that surround me. Hopefully I haven't really changed that much and I'm still a bearable person. One thing I'm really going to miss is that I have to leave Taylor here in Calgary, so it gets no love for three weeks. On the other hand, I get to play with my Eclipse again. But I've gotten so attached to my Taylor, it's going to be sad. Yes. This is what a dork does - get attached to my baby.

I'm coming home guys!

And for those keeping track, I'm giving it a little more time; I need confirmation before I do anything else. It's risky business! (How's that for vagueness Ps. Jenn? =D)

A Couple Things

2010-12-16T09:22:00.001-07:00

It is Thursday Morning, just before 9:00. I tried to wake up a bit early so I could really get my studying down for my 1:00 exam, but I guess that didn't turn out all too well. I just thought I'd say a couple things before I study and then go to school.

Today is my Old Testament final, and I have some opinions about it. Everything is cumulative, so it means I have to pretty much know the entire Old Testament. Is that even appropriate, especially for a first year course, to have to know the entire OT for one exam? It's the biggest final in terms of worth at 40%; but I guess I have it lucky since there are people who have 60% finals and stuff. But as for the exam, I'm not quite ready. I don't think I really will be considering the amount of information I need to retain. But it's okay, I will just be happy to get these next couple of days done with so I can be free.

And it looks like I don't get to go back to Edmonton until Sunday afternoon, all thanks to the snowstorm that hit there. I guess it's just a minor inconvenience, but that's fine. I should be happy that I get an extra week and a couple days of winter break, which if you ask me is pretty cool.

Yesterday, I read something really cool and creepy on one of the blogs that I follow. It's about Facebook, and I thought it's worth sharing, so I hope you don't mind Teresa but I'm gonna link up your page! Go to http://chan-teresa.blogspot.com/ to read about what's so cool and creepy about Facebook.

Anyways, that's about all. For most of you, you can stop reading here. For a select few that will know what I'm talking about, I've decided to put an end to this; because, quite frankly, I am done having fun. So, I have come up with my own way to end it; and it starts today.
-------------------------------------------------
To You,

Just stop. Seriously. You have absolutely no idea what you're doing. You don't know how many times I've come so close to intervening with your little "game". If I'm not such a big softy, I probably would have ended this long ago. But because you chose to go about things the way you did, I'm going to decide to do exactly what you did. Except if a long enough time passes and you're still as clueless as you've proven to be, I'm taking this right to you because that's the way I prefer to do it. You could not have left a worst first impression on me, and the only thing I can associate you to is this entire situation that has played out. Grow up. I'm pretty sure you read my blog because you've obviously taken from it, so if even after you read this and continue going on about what you've been doing, it's not gonna get any prettier. I'm trying to save both of us some embarrassment, so you might as well just stop, because this is not the way to go about things in life. Yeah, this is harsh. And I don't get easily annoyed. You can ask just about anyone who's actually taken the time to know me genuinely that it takes quite a bit to annoy me. I've been pushing the line so many times, but you keep crossing it. So I've decided it's time that you should stop, before you damage yourself even more. And yes, this time I AM talking about you.

Nathan.

Anticipation

2010-12-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but this post is my 200th one since I signed up for Blogspot a couple years ago. Quite the accomplishment, I must say. I originally started this blog to keep track of myself during my post-high school days, and look where I am now.

Okay, so anyways, this last week, I think most students at any post-secondary school is now done classes, and it feels good. This semester has gone by really quickly, unlike back in the crummy days at the UofA. I think one thing I've really come to respect is how quickly time goes by. It's funny because we only get busier and busier in life, but time really doesn't change. It's not like the next second will go by faster than the last. But I guess that if you're the pilot, time's gonna fly (ehyo!). Academically, I've learned a ton; personally, I think I've learned even more. I wouldn't say that I'm any different from the Nathan that everyone knew six months ago, but I've definitely been given the chance to really ground my faith into some solid information. Before, I just believed, and that was pretty much it. Now, I at least have an idea of what and why I do.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and as usual, it looks to be pretty packed. There's church for probably half the day, and I'm going to try to keep myself from being distracted as I attempt to study. I've got exams on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday - just four of them. After that, I'm homebound until the second weekend of January. Whoever came up with this idea of three weeks off for Christmas was a genius!

Studying hasn't been going as well as I had hoped and planned because of a distraction which I will not say, because it is a bit embarrassing. But don't worry, it's nothing overly hazardous to anyone or anything. On top of that, I haven't been home a whole lot. I got the day today at home, but other than that, not too much time have I not needed to go anywhere. I will definitely need to get on this soon!

I also love the amount of attention Linus Omark's goal from last night have drawn in the hockey world. Whenever you're in any competition, where is the line that you're not supposed to cross so you don't try to disrespect or mock your competitors? I don't think Omark crossed it. He said it himself, it's his game, so let the man do what he does. If there was any disrespect at all, he would have rubbed it in the Lightning players' faces after he scored - but he didn't. In case you haven't watched it, I will have a video below! Do you think he was showboating or being cocky? I don't think so.

Okay, well, I thought blogging tonight would've been genius because I'd have a lot to say. But apparently, I don't. So have a good weekend everyone!

Omark's shootout goal.

In the Fray

2010-12-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

December is alive and well! Not quite a week yet and all sorts of things are happening. Sometimes it's desirable, sometimes it's just annoying. But either way, it makes life more interesting.

The first few days of December were some pretty intense moments. In school, our missions class had to get ready for presentations that week. So everyone wanted to come up with creative ways and do well. Our group just happened to be the very last group to present, meaning we got to see everyone else go before we went. Luckily, I think it worked to our advantage because we got to see all the little tricks and things we could do to make it work in our favor. In the end, I felt that we did an awesome job presenting the history of Sri Lanka and its people who have migrated to Canada. Unfortunately, this is one of the courses that I do better in, so if I do well, it only adds to a decent mark that I already have. But what the heck, everything is cumulative and wherever I can do well, I will take. In regards to everything else, I have one paper left that I am currently working on. After that, all that is left are the finals that I need to write. I am excited to go home for this break!

Anyways, my weekends always seem to be pretty interesting. I always go into the weekend expecting to really rest up, but on Sunday night I find myself more tired than anything. I wonder why? .. and in case you're trying to answer that, it is rhetorical with a hint of sarcasm. This past weekend, I took Saturday to reorganize all of my things so when I plan out my study schedule, everything will be in place. Sunday, I wasn't even at home. Church is, well, church. After service, I took some time out to school a group of kids in playing keep-away in soccer in the gym. However, due to my failure of a physical fitness level, I dangled for about thirty seconds before I needed a five minute break. After that, we had choir practice and that was pure gong show material from my part. The more and more I sing, the further away my range falls from my "tenor" notes. My voice in general is not very strong. There are those musicians that could sing to a crowd for three straight hours and still have plenty of voice left. And I am not one of them. Not even remotely close. And as expected, I got dragged along to a mall and supper again. I'll say that it was okay this time since my finals haven't began yet.

I said, before, that the malls in Calgary suck. But I think Chinook Center is worth checking out! It's definitely right up there in terms of the architecture. I would put that in the ranks of what Kingsway looks like now - but with better stores. The only difference would be that Kingsway is far busier, even on a Sunday night.

And then I got home. Due to confidentiality, that is all I can say.

So today begins the first full week of December, and I am really excited to be finishing classes this week. Hopefully studying goes well and I can do well on my finals to set the tone for an even more awesomer Christmas holidays.

Twofer

2010-12-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm still jacked up about the Oilers' win from two hours ago. But it's the first back-to-back win since the first two games of the year, so I'll take it.

Everybody loves twofers right? Buy one get one free, that's two for the price of one. Anytime you can get a two for one, it's a pretty sweet deal. I already announced to the world (facebook, but that's beside the point) about getting an A on my paper this morning, so I didn't want to be all "gloat-y" about finishing the day seeing that I got 100% on another paper. In one day, I got back two papers that were above 90%. I thought that getting a 100% on my second paper was too good to be true; because, honestly, I didn't think it was a 100% paper when I handed it in. But surely, when things seem too good to be true, chances are that it is. I got on the bus and took my second paper out to see how in the world I managed to pull off a 100%, and right away, on the first page, I see some pencil marks from my prof pointing out some mistakes that I made. A 100% paper should be flawless. And I saw that she pointed out a couple things that I said that weren't exactly true either, so how did I manage a 20/20? The only logical explanation I could come up with was that all she wanted was to see that we put the effort into discussing the two books we were supposed to analyze, but it just doesn't feel right that I got 100% when I really shouldn't have. I know this is the first 100% I've gotten on pretty much anything that's important, but it just feels weird. I think I'd much rather see a 65% or something like that knowing that that is the grade I earned. Although I really shouldn't complain because I can use all the marks I can get, as I am not the brightest student. It also makes me think that anyone else in the class that put the same effort I did into the paper will have gotten full marks - which totally defeats the special feeling of being one of the few to get 100%. I even considered going back to my prof to get her to explain to me why I got 100% and for her to give me the marks I really deserve. But at the end of the day, I will take this one. If it happens again, I think I'll really talk to the prof, unless I feel I deserved it.

One thing that my parents taught me is that everything you get feels better knowing that you've earned it. It's been that case my whole life. I think the only thing I got that I didn't earn was my Gameboy Color. Boy, that thing changed my life.. and not in a good way.

So starting the day with an A, and ending it with a 100%, I've got to say that it's a pretty decent start to December. I've got to say that, even with the super high suicide rates, December has got to be the second coolest month in the Gregorian calender. Yep, I just used the word Gregorian. I love that everyone is collectively jazzed up about Christmas. It's the same every year, but the feeling never gets old! I also like that it's not overly cold because of the Chinook.

Well, not a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I've had to be at school a little bit longer on a couple occasions this week because of a group presentation on Friday. Honestly, I'm not really looking forward to it, because I don't really like these things. I don't mind so much public talking, but I just don't really like to present stuff. And I think I can get an "amen" from a lot of people, because I think we're all just ready to hibernate at home. The tiredness is really starting to kick in, and the will to get up every morning is just kinda fading away. And then we get slapped in the face with all the finals we have to write.

So, since a few people have asked, my last exam is on Friday the 17th. I will either be home the next day, or on Sunday evening. I'm really hoping to get back on the 18th (Saturday) because I really want to go to worship and see e'erbody.

And since this post is all about twofers, I will give a couple of links to my "works". The first one, is my youtube channel. I posted a video of myself playing guitar a while back, and got some decent feedback, so I tried a few more songs over the course of time. I apologize for singing, because I can only guitar for so many songs before it gets boring. I know my voice is weak, so please don't laugh at me too hard. There's a nice little Christmas song in there to get you in the mood too! Again, sorry for being off pitch! Also, the second link will be to my "new" blog. I signed up for Tumblr a while ago trying to see what's so great about it, but it never turned out to be anything. And I've also been thinking for a while whether I should start a blog just to write about the things I'm learning at school in more depth. So, for anyone that would be interested in reading the things I'm learning, you can go there once in a while to see what I've written. I am gonna strictly keep this blog to my general "life".. not too much of that in depth stuff. There's nothing on that blog yet, but when I have things on my mind, it will take off!

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/NEACnate
Tumblr: http://nathansun.tumblr.com/

Happy December, peeps!

That Time Again

2010-11-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

What to say? This weekend, I really got to rest and it has never felt better. I finished Friday, and I had nothing to worry about for the weekend. My work for this term isn't over yet, but the really big things aside from the finals are done. Dirt off my shoulders? I think so. So, I thought it'd be a good idea to reward and feel good about myself this weekend - just a little bit.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to join the Christmas choir at CCBC. I wasn't so fond of the idea at first, and I didn't even know if I'd still be here for that celebration. I turned down the offer with the reason that I wasn't sure if I would still be here, and that I wanted my Sunday afternoons to be at home doing nothing. But it was insisted that I should just join the practices anyway, in case I am here. I think the chances of me being gone are higher, but I thought, meh, whatever. So today, I went to the practice. It isn't exactly a full blown choir per se, but it's got a good amount of people. I said that I'm not a tenor, but the only choices were bass and tenor. And people know I complain about songs being too low, so I just chose to sing the tenor parts. After all, it's only the standard SATB parts, no such thing as baritone. So after trying to keep up for the first couple runs, I started to catch on. And because I am a baritone and not a tenor, some parts are too high for me. For the music people, I'll explain my range for you. I am comfortable up to an F; I wouldn't be able to hold that note or keep my range within that vicinity for an entire song, but if the melody gets up there for a few measures here and there, it's within my normal range. Most of the time, I am fine with the odd G or sometimes G#. And if I'm really ambitious, I'll try for the A. So the very ending of the second song we're singing, the tenor is to up to that G# and is to hold it for TWELVE beats (3 measures). I wanted to die. Another guy that's a bit older than me that was beside me, the whole time we're just laughing our face out because of some of the high parts. We just had pho like fifteen minutes before practice, so the food hasn't even settled in and we're singing consistently in the range of D to G. It was pretty cool to be going through puberty again. But practice was a lot of fun. I haven't done any of this group singing stuff since Splash Kingdom, and it was fun. I'm just so glad that I'm really getting to know some people here at the church; they're pretty awesome - a lot like NEAC, but maybe a bit less... secular? I'm not sure if that's the right word.

With school, I cannot believe I have a week and a half left - a total of six class days. After that, I'll have one full week of four exams and then I'll be comin' home man! I should really put an effort into doing well in my exams so I can go home without any worries or regrets. Man, that first semester went by so quickly. It is definitely a change from the UofA. The first semester just dragged on and on there; and don't even get me started on the second semester. All I have left is a group presentation, a short assignment, and a short paper on Christian spirituality. I think that handing the theology term paper had me at the tip of the mountain. So I've hit the plateau and waiting for the finals to get here. Now I've just got to take care of a few more things and it'll be all down hill from then on.

One thing I learned about myself is that I think I might be too honest. When it really comes down to it, I think I'm a really straight forward person. I'm gonna tell things like it is, and not shy away from trying to beat around the bush. I would like to think that I'm a pretty open person in the sense that I'll take criticism, I'll listen to things and look at them from every side that I can. For instance, my blog! Anyone that's been following me on here have probably read some of the thoughts that I have towards certain situations, and sometimes I get pretty blunt. What I am implying is that I hope that I don't have as many readers as I think I might have. There's nothing more to it than that. I obviously talk about people I come into regular contact with, so I just hope they don't take me the wrong way. That's what sh.... nah.

Well, November only has a couple days left! Enjoy it while it lasts because December is gonna be legen...

Hungover

2010-11-24T12:33:00.001-07:00

I guess I'll try to break the "400 years of silence" in the blogging world. Not saying that it's been completely dead, but what happened after that huge explosion from the 1040 event? I like how at least one of you admits to being seriously tested after a spiritual high like the event from Jaeson Ma, but I guess it's just part of life.

Anyways. I finished a bit early in what I planned to do during my break today, so I thought I'd blogggg. A month later, I finally get my theology midterm mark. And guess what? I passed. I was a couple percent below class average, but I passed. Remember how I said before that if I passed, God probably REALLY wants me to do well? I think that by judging on the amount of mercy marks I got, it's true. Haha. Because if I remember, there was no possible way that I could've passed - unless I'm really good at guessing. So, with all things considered, my theology mark isn't very high right now, but it could be a lot worse! I hope that the work I put into my term paper will at least boost it a little bit because it's worth the most in this course.

Over the last week, all I've really done was work on my term paper. There were a couple aside things I had to take care of, but the focus was on this bad boy. I finished the basis of my paper on Monday night, and took yesterday off to let it marinade a little bit. It's so strange because when I woke up on Monday, I had absolutely no idea what day it was. I thought it was Tuesday, meaning I had to go to school, but when I turned on my computer, it said Monday. Today, I had to think twice to realize it was Wednesday too. This early morning thing is really starting to take its toll. I like my sleep - what can I say? But nonetheless, a little more editing, and my paper will be ready to hand in tomorrow! So excited!

And what's with all this Christmas buzz? Left and right, I'm seeing status', emails, all that kind of stuff about Christmas, but I don't feel it. I think that I've been so sheltered that I have absolutely no idea about what is going on in the secular world anymore. If I'm not on the bus, I'm at school; if I'm not at school, I'm at home; if I'm not at home, I'm at church. I don't get to go to the mall or any of that anymore. By the way, the malls in Calgary suck! I already see Londonderry as being an amateur-ish mall, but I don't think any of the malls here can even compare to Londonderry. I haven't been to every single one, but the ones I have been to are pretty weak. But I guess the good thing is that I won't be shopping because I'm already poor. So if I shop more, it'll be bad.

One more thing to add. My eating habits are strange. I barely get anything outside my three meals a day anymore. Before I moved, I ate all the time. Junk, healthy, after breakfast, afternoon, before lunch, after supper, before I sleep, that type of deal. Now, I'm seriously feeling the effects of being hungry. It's so weird that sometimes I can get past that hungry state and just not feel hungry anymore. But when I do finally put something in my stomach, I get the hungry feeling again. So I think it's that I go from starving to hungry, not hungry to full or starving to full. It's the strangest thing ever! Who knew you could go from being starved and not feel hungry to feeling hungry after you eat?

The countdown to Christmas begins! One month 'til Christmas Eve! ... Okay, now I'm excited.

Surprised by Joy

2010-11-20T16:47:00.001-07:00

Since I "did" a book review on C.S. Lewis' book, his concept of being surprised by joy has been with me ever since. The way I relate things to "glimpses of heaven" is the same idea as Lewis' definition of "joy". And as I take an unprecedented break from reading for my term paper, I am a bit fascinated about the things I'm learning. The break really is a bit unwarranted right now because I decided to take FAR too long before I started doing the biggest paper of my first term at Bible school.

So, uhh, my paper is on the doctrine of sin. I'm so glad that I picked this topic because living life is all about our battles with sin. Of course, the battle has already been won by God through Jesus dying on the cross; but it is in each of our lives to live out that victory that was granted to us. The word that has been floating in my mind throughout this whole process is "fascination". I'm almost being blown away by what I'm discovering.

It should be a well known fact by now, that I am awful at reading. If I had my own Wikipedia page, that fact that I suck at reading would be under the "character traits" section of my page. C.S. Lewis said he often found his type of joy when he's reading through all his literature and mythologies; and I am finding a very similar experience as I'm reading Thomas Oden's "The Word of Life". The book is basically about Jesus and his role on this earth. So most of what I'm reading is what sin has to do with Jesus. I don't want to bore anyone with a ten page essay on all the theological stuff about what I'm reading (other than my prof), so I won't get into the tiny little details.

I think a lot of us "Christians" have a good grasp at this whole doctrine of sin. What is sin? Where did it come from? Why is it significant? How do we escape it? All that kind of stuff we have a good idea on; or at least I hope so. There were a couple of pretty cool questions that I came across while reading Oden. One of them is: if man had never fallen, would the incarnation of Jesus still be necessary? I think this question is pretty debated; I haven't looked into it, but I would imagine that it is. Another cool point is raised in Jesus' baptism. Getting baptized is a sign of being sanctified from sin. Jesus was born as a man without sin, so why did he get baptized? There is a more definitive answer to this question than the first one, but I still thought it was pretty cool that it was talked about.

Anyway, I think that's been the highlight of the last couple of days for me, other than the fact that it's so incredibly cold outside. I think I made a mistake to say that it was okay that I'd sacrifice travel distance to school in order to have a smooth transition. I'm not someone that lives with regrets, but this is getting pretty close to it. Of course, the transition has been pretty ideal. I'm comfortable, I'm living with people that I knew prior to moving here. Everything outside of school has been pretty decent. But the reason I am here is because of school, and I have to say that things aren't the best. I'm not complaining by saying it's bad, but it could be better. Like I said, I knew what I was getting myself into when I chose familiarity over being thrown right into the wolves; but I'm a bit second guessing my choice right now - which is also a thing that I don't really do. However, at the end of the day, I'm beyond content with what God's given me. So I'm going to choose to see it that way; and I always will.

Going to get back to work now. I'm actually a bit surprised that with these doctrinal stuff being so fascinating, that there isn't an entire horde of people who actively do this whole "Bible college" thing. It feels so great to be learning something that I love, and it's definitely been a change for me compared to my time in high school and the UofA.

Maybe if the Oilers can win one, things will be even more joyful! Haha, who am I kidding...

The Same Ugly

2010-11-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

I guess this means my "hiatus" is over. But I haven't started working yet since it's only 10:00am, and the sky left us a present last night. This is the first time that the snow has executed an invasion plan and actually worked (stayed, unmelted). These days always catch me by surprised. It's perfectly fine one day, and then all of a sudden the next morning I wake up and everything seems so bright because the snow is reflecting all the light and kind of rubbing it in by saying "haha! suckers! we're here now!" Yeah... Well, the stuff is the same down here as it is, I guess, everywhere else; it's the same type of ugly. But I guess I should've expected it because I looked at the weather forecast yesterday and there was a snowstorm warning for the Southern Alberta region. It's all good though, it's about time the snow arrived anyway.

On the other hand, it means Christmas just peaked its head around the corner and it's got me pretty excited. Christmas this year is going to mean going home! It's going to mean that I get to see and hopefully hang out with a lot of people back home and hopefully share some good times in between semesters. Presents have lost their appeal to me, so I don't care much for Christmas presents anymore. The best present I could get is to hang out with friends and family anyway; it beats having a new pair of jeans any day... Actually that's a close one. But the point is made.

That's about all I have to say. Now I've just got to catch up on my morning news and then seriously get down to business with doing my papers. Speaking of which, the two papers I've already finished, one turned out decent and the other was full of BS. I'll just say that my Theology course is incredibly hard. I hope to goodness that I can at least get a passing mark in this course, because it's not looking so great. But I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Hopefully everyone is hanging in there!

And it's also so cool to see so many people begin to get on fire for Christ. As another believer, it just makes me happy to see that God works in so many ways to touch people. He can turn pure apathy into full-blown, live out loud type of believers. It's great to see. I had to pull out the God card, because what would a blog post be without it? Haha.

Back Up Plan

2010-11-10T23:02:00.001-07:00

Alright, here's the dealio. I'm not going to be doing anything productive for the rest of the day so I might as well do something that doesn't involve just wasting time. Speaking of which, what exactly is wasting time anyway? I don't know; if you think you have an answer, let me know! I realize I'm blogging two consecutive days, bumping up my blog total to four in ten days, which puts me on a torrid streak, but the post I wrote up yesterday wasn't really anything of stuff I really wanted to blog about anyway. So I'll consider this as my third blog for the month. Maybe I'll delete the post yesterday too, because it really doesn't do anything other than take up space. So by the time you're reading this, I'll probably have deleted it; but don't worry, you won't gain anything out of reading it anyway.

Way back when, I said I wanted to talk about being called into ministry. I finally decided to do that; except I think I'm going to try to broaden it up to make it more relatable to everyone, but use my experience of being called as an example. I just wrote part of a paper that dealt with this, so hopefully it's still fresh in my mind. Kind of. I think that for anyone that can come to appreciate blogging, they are probably well enough into their life that they are looking to see where their little life is taking them.

The question is, and always will be, how do you know that God really wants you to do that? God is invisible, you can't see or hear him, how do you know? I'm probably going to refer to my journal a couple times to tell of how I found out. Yeah, that's right. I have a journal too, except it's way more private. No, it's not a diary; it's a journal. Uhh, anyways... If I try to bring ministry into the picture, I think the biggest thing you have to concern yourself about, when you decide if you're really being called into ministry, is that it can't be a back-up plan. What it means is simple: plan A didn't work, so I'll go to plan B. A lot of people who grew up as Christians will usually have a good enough knowledge or foundation of being a theologian, so it's not too entirely hard to carry on with it. A theologian is anyone that thinks about God, that was brought forth by faith and the church. Just because there are people that are in Bible college doesn't mean that they are more "advanced" in faith; it just means they have that passion to know more about it. With me, I think it raised a few eyebrows when I told my family that I want to go to Bible college. Because of my inability to explain to my dad that going into the UofA music program was a mistake, he had to make sure I'm not doing it because music isn't working out. I started my journal in my first year of university. Until today, I have never read through all the things I wrote. I always start a new page when I start writing for the next entry. Multiple times, in my reflection, I have stated that music is just not what God has planned for me - and even though I didn't know what it was, I was sure that God wanted me to do something else. So I just kept waiting. I don't think it's a coincidence that I wrote something to that extent five or six times, in almost the exact wording. I guess that this is how I found out that music was wrong, and Bible college is right. So to bring this back into perspective, do you know if what you're doing right now is what God wants? Does what you're doing right now feel right? If not, why not?

Well, how do I know if what I'm doing is what God's plan is for me? I think it should be noted that even if God is telling you to do something, you have every "right" to not do it. Case in point: Jonah. Being called into ministry is a big deal. God doesn't just want anyone doing it. Again, I'm not saying that it means all pastors, etc. are better than everyone else. I'm still trying to find a good explanation to that, so I'll leave it as is. Well, then what's the difference between God wanting you to be an accountant versus a pastor? First of all, I think that God has given everyone gifts; and he wants us to use those gifts to glorify his name. So if you're good at all that number crunching, God could use you as a witness as an accountant. Would you agree with me that when you find out that someone who holds a high position is a Christian, it just makes you feel all tingly inside? Exactly. Most people won't get to those high positions, but it's about how you treat your relationships in the work place that will affect the way you're seen as a person.

The first, and most "in your face" (to me anyway), way of revelation is hearing it from people. If someone says something to you as a result of something you've done, you might want to take note. Criticism is always taken with a grain of salt, but when things start to get repetitive, you know there is something there. Time and time again, people said that I am good at leading worship. I refused to believe it for the longest time because I just hate listening to myself sing - I think I have an awful voice. But for some reason, it kept coming back. What do people compliment you on?

I'll put prayer as second, because it relates better to me. I kind of wonder, especially with all the busy lives, do you put aside a set time everyday to talk to God? For me, it was always before I went to bed. There can be a lot of arguments against this idea of being filled, but I think it's vital to have a set time because it allows for you and God to recognize that there is a time where you can really get intimate compared to the rest of the day. What does God reveal to you in your prayer? When I was so hateful on studying music, I kept asking God what he wants me to do. Time and time again, he responded by putting a thought of Bible college into my brain. I've even wrote in my journal about the thoughts of Bible college, but I just thought that I was crazy. Again, prayer is a two way conversation, so sometimes it's worth it just to listen to God.

Finally, the general revelation of God is in and through his Word. 2 Timothy says, "All scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness." That means that everything in the Bible has a direct relation with God: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." (John 1:1) When you do your devotions (hopefully you do them), there are always going to be passages that stick out to your more than any other verse. When I read Psalm 46:10, during my times of anger, it immediately popped out of the page because it's so simple in that it says "... Be still, and know that I am God; ..." This verse has been with me ever since; and I know that a lot of people also like what it says in Jeremiah too, "For I know the plans I have for you, ... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Do you have any verses that pop out of your head when you think of the Bible?

These three things is how I've come to know that God wants me to go into ministry. I'm still not sure as to what exactly God wants me to do in ministry, but I know it's still early and there is time for me to specialize in one part of it. This is getting ridiculously long, so I'm going to try to wrap it up soon. If you've read everything up to here, ask me for a cookie! So that's what it was like for me to find out.What if you're doing something that isn't exactly what God wants from you? What if you went into ministry as a back up plan? Well, I don't really know. I can guess all I want, but it just puts some people in a really bad place. It's been said many times before that if we live in God's light, he's going to give us everything we need to succeed; although that isn't an excuse to not try. If you ask me, I think it's one of those things where you meet someone, and you can just tell after a while. I know there is at least a couple people that we all know that we think, "he/she is just made to do this." I don't know if there's anyone you know that when you look at them, it kind of makes you think, "based on where he's from and who he is, is this really where he's supposed to be?" Let's just hope it's a clash of styles and they didn't use the "easy way out" for when option A failed or didn't work out; although being a pastor is everything but easy, as those who saw it as option B will or have found out.

I don't know. I'm not sure if you're going to get anything out of this, or if it wasn't what you expected. But I hope that what you're doing and where you're going isn't a back up plan or an easy way out. If you would like to share your side of the story, I'm always open! Really, I like listening to people's stories; that's why I'm doing this.

I'm probably going to take a bit of a hiatus from blogging. By hiatus, I probably mean around a week or two at the most... I really have no life, but I desperately need to finish, what is now, six assignments in two weeks. There might have even been some I've forgotten about.

The Little Things

2010-11-05T23:42:00.001-06:00

This post has the potential to contain some harsh and borderline inappropriate words.

Guys are normally "big picture" type of people. There are always exceptions where some guys do care enough for the details; however, there is no chance that a guy can match a girl at details - they're just on another level. I know I've done it before, and I know you have too. What have we done? When there is something, often a message, that you're trying to deliver to someone but don't want to be a dick about it, you often try to drop a hint subtly and hope they notice. I've thrown these out tons of times, and when I get a dirty look, I know I did my job. Okay, there is the cocky side of me. Yeah, I know you've done it before. When I do it, it's never a personal attack. I do it most of the time as a joke, or for funzies. I will never deliberately attack another person's character because I respect who they are. If there is something I feel that I need to express about that person, I will - most of the time - tell it to them in a semi-polite manner. If it is just something that I personally can`t cope with, I`ll often leave it alone because I know that it's just my problem that I can't agree with their whatever. But if I feel that it needs to be addressed because it goes beyond affecting me, then of course, I'm going to let them know.

However, recently I've noticed a few of these little minor detailed attacks. Instead of just trying to subtly drop it when I'm around so that I might catch it, they take it a step further and attack the areas that I influence. Some of you avid followers of my blog may remember reading me talking about how it seems everyone knows me and what I'm capable of. Not everyone has a natural ability to lead, and oddly enough I have a bit of that. So it means that I'm going to be able to influence the way some people act. And also, I've mentioned before that when you invite someone to live in your household, they can very potentially change the dynamics of your home; and I always feel like I've been doing that, even if it's not for the good. Unfortunately, they're too much of a wuss to tell me that I need to lay off a bit, so they attack my areas of influence. Or maybe they're just trying to be nice and let me be me, but trying to take indirect shots by eliminating the things I accomplish - so to speak. Basically what this mean is, they're disapproving the person that I am by controlling those that have taken something from my character. I know that I'm beating around the bush a lot, but let me try to draw a comparison for you. Let's say you have a kid. You teach your kid to act and behave a certain way. But one day, someone comes along, sees your kid act or behave a certain way, and then say to your kid that he/she is dumb and shouldn't be doing that. By calling out your kid, that person pretty much insults you and the way you are too because of what you taught your kid. Are you offended yet?

Anyways, what I was writing about may have made absolutely no sense to you; but to me, it's a big deal because my character is being attacked. I would like to think that anyone who knows me knows that I would never intentionally do something that would potentially harm someone or something. Yeah, I'm not the smartest so sometimes my decisions aren't the best; but it doesn't mean that there's a cruel intention behind it. If you have a better way of doing something, be my guest; just don't take shots at me by trying to "correct" something that resulted from who I am. If you really, really want to know the exact details to this, just talk to me. I wouldn't mind a chance to kind of vent a little bit either.

And at the end of the day (just in case you're like "oh, nathan"), I know I need to get used to these things and can't take "feedback" so seriously. I know that if I'm going to do what I think God wants me to do, I have to be able to handle these things. I'm writing about them because I care and I'm always looking to improve who I am. In my Christian Spirituality class, we talked briefly about how we can know that we are living in God's will. And I think what I talked about ties pretty well into all of this because how do you know if you're doing the right thing? A really abbreviated answer that we got was that if you're living by faith in God, genuine faith, then you're living in his will. When Jesus said multiple times "follow me", he doesn't say where to; and I think that it is just brilliant because it sprouts your curiosity and the only way you'll find out where you're going is if you follow. So, it's a lot alike in that same sense that if you're chasing after God's heart with your faith, then you'll be fine.

So, how does five papers in three weeks sound? I like writing papers that ask for my view or opinion. I, however, don't like writing papers that require me to do 20 hours of research just to maybe get an A. My plan is to get the easy ones out of the way as fast as I can, so I can focus on the biggies. There is quite the possibility of me getting owned this month. But because we're there..

... Hello weekend! Don't forget to set your clocks back an hour!

Half Of One

2010-11-01T12:24:00.000-06:00

After hitting ten posts in October, and it being the first time I hit the double digits in the year of o'ten, I was pretty proud of myself. Actually, I had to restrain myself from blogging every single day, because it seemed that I had something to say everyday. And now that November has began, I will give a quick update on my edumacation... and of course, other things.

The first two months of school has passed by incredibly quickly. September rolled and I got left in the dust. October came around, and I kind of caught up until the last week-ish. Having school just four days a week make my weeks feel so much shorter because I really don't do a whole lot on Mondays unless I have a test or something due that week. So, like this week, I don't have anything huge, so I'm not really doing anything. On Tuesdays, my week will start and before I know it, it's Friday.

Last week, I had two midterms, one quiz, and one paper compacted into two days. I devised a freakin' genius plan that would help me be able to do all of that. But it failed. Miserably. One: I barely studied. Two: I forgot I had a geography quiz. Three: I only did my paper to the extend that I was satisfied. Four: I hoped that I'd do well on at least one of the 3 tests, but did well on none. I think I got 69% on my geography quiz, because with these things, you either know it or you don't. So guessing can only take you so far. Thankfully I had 100% on first two geography tests, so the 69% doesn't sting so bad. Thankfully, the entire Theology class thought the midterm was hard. To take from a classmates words, "I thought I studied, but when I looked at the test, I didn't know anything." Thankfully, my Old Testament midterm was more heavily weighted towards the geography side. With the geography side worth half of the test, I'm quite confident I got all of that; for the rest of the exam, I knew probably around half of that too; so, if all went well, I might still have eeked out a 75%.

So in a bit of a chaotic fashion, I had two papers, two midterms, one quiz that needed to be done in the span of three class days. Thankfully there was a weekend after my first paper was due. Anyways, like I've said many times, I am really thankful for anyone that still takes the time to think about me. I might have mentioned it on my blog - if not, it was in my email update - that it's hard for a student like me to get to know a whole lot of people because I live so far away and I'm not from the greater Calgary area. But in October, I've got to get introduced to some more people and I'm glad that I had people I can actually approach to talk to now. I know I'm really slow at this, but I know I'm going to be able to get there, even if it takes all year. November is going to be a ridiculously hectic month. Right now, I'm kind of entering the eye of the storm. I get a really easy week this week, with a short assignment due on Wednesday, but nothing else that really needs to be done. But starting next week, there is quite the possibility that I get destroyed by the amount that I'm going to need to do. I managed to make it through the first wave of things okay, but this second wave is about twice as difficult. I'm kind of intimidated by my theology term paper because of what the requirements are. It's an 8-10 page essay that requires 15 scholarly sources. It's pretty much a really dry paper because it's just all about me demonstrating that I know my stuff. I didn't do great in my first year English papers, but I improved drastically as the year went on, so hopefully the trend continues.

In church, I continue to do Sunday school, lead worship once a week, and do Bible study once a month for the youth group. People, apparently, keep hearing incredible things about me that I don't even know where it came from. I don't know why, but the more I attend this church, the more I don't feel right. I may have just thrown a grenade out by saying that, but I'm being honest. I don't know what it is. Is it an alliance versus baptist thing? Is it because it's a tiny church? Is it because of the people? I'm trying to figure it out. Normally, I love to go to church; I would look for excuses to be at church. Right now, and it's definitely not a good thing, but I'm almost trying to avoid it? I'm not trying to avoid church in general, but the one that I am attending. Again, another grenade may have been tossed, but I'll take my chances. I've been running all sorts of situations through my head, trying to simulate several instances where someone might have been in the same situation that I'm in, so I can find out why I might be feeling this way. I have my opinions, but this is a scenario that played out in my head. It's not directed at a certain church, but it's a thought that I got when I saw something.

It's fifteen minutes before the start of service, and the church parking lot is empty. There are a couple cars parked on the side of the road that belonged to the people who are serving on the day, but nothing more. The pastor pulls in, and the family goes into the church. It's now five minutes passed the service start time, and the pastor is in his office as he takes a peak at the watch and says to himself "let's give it a few more minutes". Finally, towards fifteen minutes passed the start time, the worship leader steps on to the stage and starts his welcoming. There are about five or six people sitting in the congregation, and they're sitting close to the back. As worship progresses, people finally start to pile in and things seem to be rolling again. At that service, there is a new visitor that has just moved into the city and is looking for a new church to settle down with. After service, the visitor stands around and waits for a bit, but no one even approaches to say hi. The visitor finally gets fed up and leaves without being greeted to even once.

What kind of impressions do you get? When you're a visitor, or a new church member, what do you feel about something like that?

I had other things to blog about, but this is long enough. Have a happy Movember! Make it legendary.

Sketchy

2010-10-30T00:30:00.001-06:00

October is drawing to an end in a couple of days. What have I learned so far? I learned that I am terrified of the cold, but fortunately discovered a route to get home from school that cuts down the time to just over an hour. I learned that if you suck at school, you're going to suck at school even if you study something you like. I learned that living with a family that isn't my own can be quite the challenge. I've learned that I am always hungry. Wait, I already knew that.

Anyways, really sketchy for me to be talking about this right now especially given my current state of life. And it's to no surprised that it's probably sprouted from my current situation. But I am developing some views on how families should be run - being very vague here. That probably includes parenting, how you manage a household, how you are to your spouse, etc. I am not one to say that I am someone who is "all-knowing" about any of this, but maybe it's because I am maturing in this aspect. L-O-L did I just say that I'm maturing? Even though I've never really thought about it, it's always been in the back of my mind once in a while where I think about how I'd be like if I get to be a dad. I know that that is thinking WAY ahead of myself because I haven't even done step one yet. But there's always the possibility of it happening, and I am always curious of how I'd do.

In the perfect world, if I can manage to be a fraction of what my parents are, I am probably pretty satisfied. I think that my parents are the perfect model parents for just about any new couples. However, I can't discount the fact that I also think there are some incredible parents that I know. The very first question I have for parents is this: how different are you in front of your kid(s) than your peers? You're not going to be the same person in the two situations; if you are, I feel for you. But the question is more of how big of a difference in character is there? I know that parents always want the best for their kids, so they're going to try to "feed" them the best that they have. This means that you probably do your best to hide your imperfections in front of your kids so they don't feed off of your flaws. Although this isn't a bad thing, how far are you willing to go? When does the whole quote of "do as I say, not as I do" come in? Everyone is a hypocrite to some extend in their own way, but where is the line that you have to draw?

I've been learning about different types of spiritualities this semester, and we touched on one that's called "classical spirituality". It's hard to have one solid definition of this term, but it's easily understandable. It is basically "see no evil, speak no evil, and hear no evil" to its most literal-ness. You won't sit or have a bar stool because it's a "bar" stool; in bars they do bad things, so you can't have any of that. Basically, anything that has even the slightest hint of potential evil is something you have to stay away from. It's a little extreme, I know, but I have witnessed it - maybe not to its full potential, but the general idea. The parents would almost completely indoctrinate the kids into nothing but God and Jesus, and the whole 9 yards. Yes, everything. Indoctrinate is a strong word, and I mean every bit of what the word is. From the posters and decorations on your dining room wall, to the music you listen to, to the TV shows you watch, to the vocabulary that you're allowed to have, to the clothes that you wear, to the activities that you do, it all has to be free from evil. Again, this is why it's so sketchy to be talking about. Because even if I'm in a completely different situation (living alone, or on res, or something else), the subject itself is already sketchy. Is this how you would treat your kids?

If you knew people like this, what would your opinion be? Now, if you take my character and who I am into play, how does that work? Like I said, there isn't really anything that is flat out wrong about living a classically spirited life, but my question is this: will you ever peak outside of your box to realize that there is a world that you live in? The whole idea of it seems kind of surreal. As a bit of a third party looking in, it almost seems as if the attitude is that they're too good for this place. Of course, this is getting rather specific to the particular people, but it seems that way. Try to picture if there is a king or queen that asked for some food. But when they see that there is a piece of meat that is a little under cooked, they won't even look at it. They have to have everything done one way, and one way only, and don't even realize that the only way you get to the imperfections of this world is by diving into it and not kind of picking at it with your thumb and index while you squint one eye and sitting on the edge of your seat ready to run away if something happened.

I don't know. I'm not even sure how I went from parenting to this. I think I'm more ranting than anything right now. I guess I've just been caught up in what some of the results would be depending on the way you teach your kids. Believe me, there are some horribly undisciplined kids or kids not disciplined properly, and they can be very close to over disciplined kids too. I know. I see it pretty frequently. But with the way the society is now, parents probably can't even look at their kids funny without their kids wanting to sue them. Again, insert me into the picture. Given the environment and circumstances, this is why I think I'm such a bad influence right now. I have knives, I do magic, I play guitar, I watch hockey, I watch videos on youtube, I listen to music with swears, I am a fan of Michael Jackson's Thriller video.. Oh noes, I'm trouble! In the end though, I think that this is going to be my job: dealing with so many different stories and views and all that fun stuff by taking both the classical and the "post-modern" era and bringing it all together.

I guess I just don't really like where this world is going and what it's trying to teach people. Like this one. If you tell your kids that Halloween is bad because it's the "devil's day", then why do you tell your kids that Santa is going to jump down the chimney and give you presents on Christmas?

/endrant.

Mercy Marks, Maybe?

2010-10-27T11:26:00.000-06:00

I was told that my theology prof is a hard marker. He even told us himself that for some reason people did miserably on his final exams. So his way of making us do better is by splitting it into two and giving one as a midterm. If you ask me, it actually makes it harder because by splitting it, you now can make the first one as hard as your final, then there's the final itself that is probably the same difficulty.

I kind of got into the room and shuffled my way closer to the back because I didn't like being watched when writing an exam. The second I got my test, it dawned on me that I haven't written any midterm or final since April of 2009. And then I panic'd. I tried to make sure my name was nice and legible. I made sure to use a blue pen (but really, I should've brought a pencil) so it's easier to read than black ink. I tried to remember any test strategies that I have ever been taught. One of them was to make sure you skim the test first to make sure everything is fine. So I read the first question on the multiple choice, and I had a good idea of what the answer was. So I flipped over to the fill in the blanks part, took a skim, and knew right away that I am going to fail this test. Then I got to the short answer part. Seeing that the short answers are half of the tests worth in marks, and seeing the kinds of questions that it was asking, I kind of wanted to put my hand up and ask to be excused because I am feeling sick. After wiggling my way through the 15 multiple choice questions, I knew that I had probably 75% of those right for sure. If my fail-logic and guesses were good to me, maybe I'll get a few more. Then I got to the fill in the blanks and I wanted to die right there. I think that of the 10ish blanks, I filled in only 1 or 2 with confidence. For the rest of them, I just found a BS answer and slapped it in. There were still a few blanks, but I had absolutely zero idea of what the answers would be. So I flipped to the last section.

My, oh my. I kind of wished that I was writing the wrong midterm or went into the wrong room or something. But I looked up and thought, nope - these are my classmates. Other than maybe one question, I put down your typical church answers, hoping for some mercy marks maybe. When I did what I could for the ones that I could, I looked at the clock and only 20 or 25 minutes have passed. And usually, if there was a question that I didn't know right away, I'd leave it blank and come back later to think it through. So I went back to check to make sure I got the multiple choices that I wanted, I proceeded to write a bunch of irrelevance to fill up the rest of my test. I knew that I wouldn't be able to suddenly have a magical appearing light bulb moment and have the answers in my head, so sitting in class fiddling with my pen would be nothing more than what it is: wasting time. So after about 40-45 minutes, I decided that I would just GTFO. I handed in the test and hung my head when I walked out. When I walked up to the front of the room though, I saw a few people that had blanks on the same questions that I came up empty on. So is it that the test really was that hard? Or were they just waiting for the perfect worded answer and get bonus marks?

Whatever it is, I don't feel good about my chances of passing this test. If I manage a 40-50%, that is probably what I will be content with. I'm really only expecting a mark in the 30s. If I suddenly miraculously get a grade over 50, then it means that God really wants me to do well to the point that he will intervene.

So anyways, school has never been my thing, I've been a B student with a couple of As at the very best. But nonetheless, this was quite the face smacking experience telling me that I really need to step up my game. But it's definitely too late for the midterm I'm going to write in a couple hours because I haven't studied a whole lot for that one either.

Mercy?