We just wrapped up the Pacific District retreat that began on Monday. Hello, from Kelowna! After breakfast tomorrow, I will be making my way back to Vancouver to continue my ministry. But tonight, we concluded the three day retreat for many pastors and staff of the district.
First impressions, like the time I went to the Midwest District Conference, I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest worker by FAR. I think the next youngest group, and there's quite a few of them, are at least in the second half of their 20s.
Since this was also a retreat, meaning there wasn't actually much of a program other than the main sessions, I barely even had a chance to meet other people. As expected, everyone kind of shows up in their little groups and they just hang out for the weekend. As a first timer, it's always intimidating because it's just awkward if I try to push my way in. For myself, I hung out with the group my senior pastor was with: all the Chinese pastors. Yeah. Not to put them down or anything, because I actually love them a lot, but it's a lot like hanging out with my parents and their friends, if you know what I mean.
I'm glad that I made it to the last retreat that's going to be held in Kelowna. Next year, we're going to Whistler, and I'm stoked for that too. So, being in Kelowna, I took the chance to have some time to myself and explored the city and walked along the waterfront of Okanagon Lake. Kelowna is a really neat place, I'd say just a little smaller than Red Deer. I took a few not-so-great pictures because it was really cold and windy.
As for the retreat itself, I was really challenged this week by what the speaker was talking about. Through four sessions, he spoke on John 17 from four different perspectives. John 17 is Jesus' prayer in the garden before he was crucified, and we really got to analyze the deepest of his desires. I really liked the approach we took because it helped me look from all angles what Christ went through and how he summed up his life's work in that one prayer. We looked at the passage four different times, but I feel we've still only scratched the surface. It's so thick. This passage is a fatty! There is so much to uncover about Jesus' prayer to his Father.
A few times we were asked to look at what our own biggest desires in our hearts were; so I listed a few of mine out. I then looked back at the passage and how embarrassing for me to compare my desires to those of Christ. Even from the perspective of a pastor, my desires for the Church and for the people of Christ paled so greatly to the way Jesus described it in that passage. As for my personal desires, well, don't even get me started on those.
So the last couple days, I've really been wrestling with how I can align myself to the desires that Christ had for us and for his Church; and there was a lot of tugging and pulling from me trying to get God to give me just a little bit. Just. A little bit. But time and time again, God kept telling me in a stern but loving way that his plan for us is better. So I wanted to give in. But the human desires keep coming back to me, telling me to ask for this or ask for that, and it actually stressed me out quite a bit. The speaker gave a great illustration to what it looks like when we surrender our will to God. It's like we're in handcuffs, and that's exactly how I feel if I want to give up my own desires.
Through the wrestling though, again I'm reminded that God's love for me and for my life is immeasureably more than the shortcomings I have, that Christ's work was enough.
So as I continue to wrestle with these things back in the midst of my work and life in Vancouver, I still leave Kelowna encouraged because I know that this will strengthen my faith in God. The fact that I'm in this wrestling match with God reminds me that I'll never win. I don't need to win. God has already won it for me. I just have to obey. Whatever is on my heart, call it desire or fire or whatever, I need to continue in learning to let it go.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
Brand New
I've been feeling good over the last couple of days - that's probably all you really need to know. My spirits are feeling much better and there is a sense of being uplifted, encouraged, and motivated. I'm not entirely sure why, but I like it; or maybe the new year buzz is finally hitting.
To take care of some of the previous matters, and to offer some closure for all of you, the trip to New York was nothing short of amazing. It was important for me to be able to be with my family during a difficult time for my parents and my aunts and uncles. I don't care that the death of my grandmother doesn't affect me directly all that much, but the fact that it's important to my family makes it important for me. It was really nice to see some of my cousins having grown up and doing well. My family stayed with my aunt and uncle in New Jersey, so it was a bit of a drive out to Manhattan for the days of the funeral. And, as expected, we held a traditional Chinese funeral that was very Buddhist oriented. I didn't agree with the way some of the things were gone about, but again, this was not about me and my preferences - I wanted to support my family, so I went along with what we did, but stopped at the points where I would compromise my own faith. So after a few days of catching up with my cousins, I flew back to Vancouver running on little to no sleep.
If you are wondering, from the sense that I got, my family seems to be doing pretty well in coping with the loss of my grandma. I know that not the entire family is Christian, but I felt a consistently overwhelming sense of peace from Christ during the whole process, and I'm thankful to know that we are still loved and cared for.
Anyways, I'm glad to be back in Vancouver and in the swing of things.
This past weekend, I was able to get back together with my church. For our youth group, we kicked off chapter one of our Crazy Love series. As expected, the night started a bit slow, but the kids really started to open up toward the end, and I'm glad that we were able to have a good start to this book. I hope that with what we're doing with the youth group, we're really kick starting a new "culture" of Christ loving disciples at this church. Going home after youth was the first time I really felt encouraged after leaving an event at church. I think that can sound iffy, but that's just the reality of having a pastor coming in to a different culture and starting to see some progress.
Yesterday, we celebrated the church's 39th anniversary. 39 years is a long time, and I'm amazed that this church has been around for that long. For some of the original (or as close to it as you can get) members, they've seen some great times and some not so great times. My senior pastor has expressed a few times that there has to be a reason that we're still here after 39 years, and I cannot agree more. From what I've gathered in my time here, this church has been a gathering of what is essentially a family of believers over the years, and it should continue to be that. But what I think we really need to focus on in the upcoming (hypothetical) 40 years, is to expand our family. Our church shouldn't just be a Chinese church, it needs to be a church for ALL believers. This vision should never change, and I want to be part of that growth.
As for myself, I'm doing much better. I was struggling quite a bit on a personal level with living in a new city, adapting to a new culture, and just the things that come with living on my own. I have a renewed sense of motivation to go about organizing my life and allowing myself to live as a more respectable person. One mistake I've made in the past is that I wouldn't ride this wave of motivation and boldness, which put me back into the sense of ugliness that held me down.
I feel, in some ways, brand new. I'm excited to learn about the Vancouver culture, I want to get out into the city and explore, I want to meet people (which is actually still incredibly difficult), and I want to work towards being an actual "growed up" person. As it stands right now, I want to be in Vancouver long term. I want to be a pastor here for the foreseeable future, and if God allows it, I want to start my family here. I'm very good at seeing the end goals, the ultimate destinations, the potential from the big picture, but I've often neglected what it takes to get there, and it would discourage me when I saw the struggle of having to put the work in. I may finally be able to find the willingness to work hard at it.
The sun shining in the sky helps with this "feeling good" business.
To take care of some of the previous matters, and to offer some closure for all of you, the trip to New York was nothing short of amazing. It was important for me to be able to be with my family during a difficult time for my parents and my aunts and uncles. I don't care that the death of my grandmother doesn't affect me directly all that much, but the fact that it's important to my family makes it important for me. It was really nice to see some of my cousins having grown up and doing well. My family stayed with my aunt and uncle in New Jersey, so it was a bit of a drive out to Manhattan for the days of the funeral. And, as expected, we held a traditional Chinese funeral that was very Buddhist oriented. I didn't agree with the way some of the things were gone about, but again, this was not about me and my preferences - I wanted to support my family, so I went along with what we did, but stopped at the points where I would compromise my own faith. So after a few days of catching up with my cousins, I flew back to Vancouver running on little to no sleep.
If you are wondering, from the sense that I got, my family seems to be doing pretty well in coping with the loss of my grandma. I know that not the entire family is Christian, but I felt a consistently overwhelming sense of peace from Christ during the whole process, and I'm thankful to know that we are still loved and cared for.
Anyways, I'm glad to be back in Vancouver and in the swing of things.
This past weekend, I was able to get back together with my church. For our youth group, we kicked off chapter one of our Crazy Love series. As expected, the night started a bit slow, but the kids really started to open up toward the end, and I'm glad that we were able to have a good start to this book. I hope that with what we're doing with the youth group, we're really kick starting a new "culture" of Christ loving disciples at this church. Going home after youth was the first time I really felt encouraged after leaving an event at church. I think that can sound iffy, but that's just the reality of having a pastor coming in to a different culture and starting to see some progress.
Yesterday, we celebrated the church's 39th anniversary. 39 years is a long time, and I'm amazed that this church has been around for that long. For some of the original (or as close to it as you can get) members, they've seen some great times and some not so great times. My senior pastor has expressed a few times that there has to be a reason that we're still here after 39 years, and I cannot agree more. From what I've gathered in my time here, this church has been a gathering of what is essentially a family of believers over the years, and it should continue to be that. But what I think we really need to focus on in the upcoming (hypothetical) 40 years, is to expand our family. Our church shouldn't just be a Chinese church, it needs to be a church for ALL believers. This vision should never change, and I want to be part of that growth.
As for myself, I'm doing much better. I was struggling quite a bit on a personal level with living in a new city, adapting to a new culture, and just the things that come with living on my own. I have a renewed sense of motivation to go about organizing my life and allowing myself to live as a more respectable person. One mistake I've made in the past is that I wouldn't ride this wave of motivation and boldness, which put me back into the sense of ugliness that held me down.
I feel, in some ways, brand new. I'm excited to learn about the Vancouver culture, I want to get out into the city and explore, I want to meet people (which is actually still incredibly difficult), and I want to work towards being an actual "growed up" person. As it stands right now, I want to be in Vancouver long term. I want to be a pastor here for the foreseeable future, and if God allows it, I want to start my family here. I'm very good at seeing the end goals, the ultimate destinations, the potential from the big picture, but I've often neglected what it takes to get there, and it would discourage me when I saw the struggle of having to put the work in. I may finally be able to find the willingness to work hard at it.
The sun shining in the sky helps with this "feeling good" business.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Spectrum of Emotion - Sorrow
It blows my mind to see the range of emotions that humans are capable of experiencing. I've encountered, myself, some of the best and some of the worst emotions known. The one thing that kind of bottlenecks our emotions is in the language of expression. Words and actions rarely justify what we truly feel, and it's too bad that we have to be limited in such a way.
Today, I feel utterly defeated by sorrow. What's been lingering in my mind for the last 60-ish hours is starting to take shape and affect my behaviour. I've been sitting in my office all morning and now into the afternoon without an ounce of motivation to do anything. When you hear somebody drowning in their sorrow, that's exactly what I want to do today.
In some ways, I'm glad that it took this long for me to feel these effects because I needed to be excited for the kick off weekend at church. I don't think I did a good job at it (being excited), but I was still able to contain most of the sadness welling up inside of me. And as yesterday was a day I still hung out with people, I didn't want to allow the release of emotion just yet. Today, however, I think I've involuntarily allowed myself to let loose a bit, and it doesn't feel good.
It's been a very long time since I've felt this way, but it doesn't change how painful it is. Most days where I'm not so productive, it's usually because I'm lazy. This time around, I think I just don't feel up to doing anything even if I tried. Even writing up this blog to vent a little bit is a struggle.
Anyways, I'll be making a trip to New York this coming weekend with my family for all the wrong reasons. So, I'll do everything to allow myself and my family to properly grieve, because there is a time for that.
Rest in peace, grandma.
Today, I feel utterly defeated by sorrow. What's been lingering in my mind for the last 60-ish hours is starting to take shape and affect my behaviour. I've been sitting in my office all morning and now into the afternoon without an ounce of motivation to do anything. When you hear somebody drowning in their sorrow, that's exactly what I want to do today.
In some ways, I'm glad that it took this long for me to feel these effects because I needed to be excited for the kick off weekend at church. I don't think I did a good job at it (being excited), but I was still able to contain most of the sadness welling up inside of me. And as yesterday was a day I still hung out with people, I didn't want to allow the release of emotion just yet. Today, however, I think I've involuntarily allowed myself to let loose a bit, and it doesn't feel good.
It's been a very long time since I've felt this way, but it doesn't change how painful it is. Most days where I'm not so productive, it's usually because I'm lazy. This time around, I think I just don't feel up to doing anything even if I tried. Even writing up this blog to vent a little bit is a struggle.
Anyways, I'll be making a trip to New York this coming weekend with my family for all the wrong reasons. So, I'll do everything to allow myself and my family to properly grieve, because there is a time for that.
Rest in peace, grandma.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Where Is God?
Happy New Year, everyone! We made it! Another year, another chapter.
It honestly feels just like yesterday where I was talking about how 2014 would be a year that'd become what we make of it. I actually remember sitting down writing the blog where I said that too. In terms of progress, I'm so far away from where I was at this point last year.
In case you've just started reading my blog, in 2014, I finished my final semester of school, graduated, and now call Vancouver my home. It took some time, but I'm now the English Pastor at Newbern Alliance Church in Vancouver. I rent out a 2 bedroom basement suite in a "Vancouver special" home in an upper class neighbornood in south Vancouver.
I can say with all honesty that having become a pastor is a dream come true. I would've never imagined myself being on this career path, but when it seems so much that it was already determined for me, I couldn't run away from it. I can't see myself doing anything else in life, and I'm incredible happy that this is what I do.
The sweetest thing I've found in my three months of being a pastor is that the "marriage" between the pastor and the congregation is so closely knit. I find myself shaping and growing my own self the same way I want to shape and grow my congregation. A lot of my personal hopes and dreams for the coming year line up very much with the ones I have for my church. I think this comes from the result of me completely submerging myself into the community and church, trying to align us to what God's plan is.
My big picture outlook for the year is basically a question. I think one of the biggest questions we hear nowadays is "where is God?" Amidst all the crap that we see in the world, where is God? So I'm seeing a lot of my friends and family going through life, experiencing the different seasons, and the question I always want to ask them is, "where is God in this?"
Where is God in your relationship with your job? With your family? With your husband? With your wife? With your friends? Where is God in your times of struggle? Where is God in the achievement you just obtained? Where is God in each aspect of your life?
Basically, on a personal level, and a professional level, I'm going to be constantly asking this question. I think so many of us are so quick to dismiss God that we eventually lose God in our lives because we cut him out of our lives one area at a time. I actually want to challenge all my friends and people who read my blog to do the same. We're always bumping God down our priority list that it hurts me to see people not even acknowledge him anymore. This is what it means when we talk about a jealous God: when something gets in between our relationship with God, it rips his heart to pieces.
So, actually, who cares about me being bummed out when I see my friends push God out of their lives. God is the one that's infinitely more hurt than I am. God desires so much to have a relationship with each of us personally, and yet we push him away. I don't get it.
Anyways, I'm starting to get a bit fired up. Haha. But I'm glad that I'm taking this flame with me into the new year. I also hope that the fire that's been placed on my heart can spread. I don't want to keep it to myself.
Welp, there you have it, the end to my obligatory New Year's blog.
Hope everyone has a great start to the year!
It honestly feels just like yesterday where I was talking about how 2014 would be a year that'd become what we make of it. I actually remember sitting down writing the blog where I said that too. In terms of progress, I'm so far away from where I was at this point last year.
In case you've just started reading my blog, in 2014, I finished my final semester of school, graduated, and now call Vancouver my home. It took some time, but I'm now the English Pastor at Newbern Alliance Church in Vancouver. I rent out a 2 bedroom basement suite in a "Vancouver special" home in an upper class neighbornood in south Vancouver.
I can say with all honesty that having become a pastor is a dream come true. I would've never imagined myself being on this career path, but when it seems so much that it was already determined for me, I couldn't run away from it. I can't see myself doing anything else in life, and I'm incredible happy that this is what I do.
The sweetest thing I've found in my three months of being a pastor is that the "marriage" between the pastor and the congregation is so closely knit. I find myself shaping and growing my own self the same way I want to shape and grow my congregation. A lot of my personal hopes and dreams for the coming year line up very much with the ones I have for my church. I think this comes from the result of me completely submerging myself into the community and church, trying to align us to what God's plan is.
My big picture outlook for the year is basically a question. I think one of the biggest questions we hear nowadays is "where is God?" Amidst all the crap that we see in the world, where is God? So I'm seeing a lot of my friends and family going through life, experiencing the different seasons, and the question I always want to ask them is, "where is God in this?"
Where is God in your relationship with your job? With your family? With your husband? With your wife? With your friends? Where is God in your times of struggle? Where is God in the achievement you just obtained? Where is God in each aspect of your life?
Basically, on a personal level, and a professional level, I'm going to be constantly asking this question. I think so many of us are so quick to dismiss God that we eventually lose God in our lives because we cut him out of our lives one area at a time. I actually want to challenge all my friends and people who read my blog to do the same. We're always bumping God down our priority list that it hurts me to see people not even acknowledge him anymore. This is what it means when we talk about a jealous God: when something gets in between our relationship with God, it rips his heart to pieces.
So, actually, who cares about me being bummed out when I see my friends push God out of their lives. God is the one that's infinitely more hurt than I am. God desires so much to have a relationship with each of us personally, and yet we push him away. I don't get it.
Anyways, I'm starting to get a bit fired up. Haha. But I'm glad that I'm taking this flame with me into the new year. I also hope that the fire that's been placed on my heart can spread. I don't want to keep it to myself.
Welp, there you have it, the end to my obligatory New Year's blog.
Hope everyone has a great start to the year!
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