I am literally three weeks from finishing school and four weeks from walking that stage on my graduation (assuming that I don't randomly fail one of my courses). This is the point where I'm pretty much like an overly tight button up shirt that is about to burst open a few buttons because there is no way I can contain the excitement of being done. How's that for disturbing imagery?
Anyways, I'm feeling a ton better after the rough stretch post-LYC. I'm still lacking in the motivation department - but to be honest, when am I not lacking in that?
It's going to be a rather busy last couple of weeks before finals. I have four (I think) papers that need to be finished, all rather large ones. Then I'll have three finals over the span of a week to finish. At about 12:00pm on that Saturday, the 19th, I'm probably going to feel like I've never felt before: officially having finished school (forever, if I wanted to). For anyone that's been there, you'll probably have a good idea about how I feel. Almost everyday, I'm sitting at the edge of my seat looking at the calendar wishing that I could go into some auto-pilot mode for the next three weeks.
The one thing that really fascinates me is that I've been able to somehow survive this semester with having 8am classes in 4 of the 5 days in a week. I won't try to hide by saying that I've stayed awake in all of them; rather, I'd say that my attention span was probably there only about 60% of the time. I keep thinking that it's possible to train myself to becoming a morning person. But to me, it seems that the more I try, the more I hate it! Haha!
In other news, I've spent a lot of money revamping my wardrobe over the last couple months. It's really not something I should be doing. Crazy how I realize that I don't really owe money anymore, which is an amazing feat, but seeing that I have money in my bank account just makes me want to spend it - not good! However, in the process, I do think that I've picked up some nice pieces that I'd say can be added to my list of essentials. I just need a nice pair of brown captoe oxfords and perhaps a grey pair of canvas sneakers to cap it all off. You really can never have too many pairs of shoes, I'd say.
Well, it's time to go to bed, I guess! Come, Spring, come!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Relapse
Have I used that title in a past post? I feel like I have, but whatever, and here is the other side/flip side of my last post.
Since last week, I started to descend into a bit of a pit. This spiritual warfare business is not very fun, and it's taking its toll on me right now. Given that I was on the prayer team for LYC, our team was subject to a lot of attacks. These attacks ranged anywhere from the internal things like depression or anxiety to external ones like feeling ill or exhaustion. As my introvertedness is the strongest area of who I am, all my struggles, of course, came internally.
Past issues that I've dealt with, things like lust, porn, depression, feeling of no self worth, etc., all came back and gave me a really rough week when I wasn't doing much. Essentially, the only thing that helped mask the symptoms was the busy-ness that I was caught up in while preparing for LYC and doing homework or playing games.
Now that the conference is over, though, it seems there's nothing to hold these issues back from taking full effect. So, since about Friday, I've been inflicted with a huge sense of a longing, an anxiety or impatience, that has lead to an enormous sense of discouragement. Because I'm a person that is so internally driven, I struggled tremendously to be motivated. Being discouraged is one of the hardest things for me to overcome because there's basically the feeling of hopelessness that overwhelms me to make me think that nothing I do or try to do is even close enough to achieving what I need to do.
Things were just bouncing back and forth, left and right, hitting me at every angle. Everything I tried to see more or less compounded with one another to make matters even worse. For example, I feel that I have no reason to be discouraged especially given that my roommate's dad had died a couple weeks back. So I proceed to think that I should try to be the best support that I can, but realizing that I really can't do anything just snowballs it into one giant wreck of a day.
So as I continue to battle through this discouragement, I just hope that I'm still able to not let it get too much in the way of my homework and assignments. I already foresee some of them being late simply because I can't find the drive to work, as being in the dumps makes it difficult for me to be productive.
Let's see how long this phase of depression goes on for! I'm determined to get back up and finish this stinkin' term off well.!
Since last week, I started to descend into a bit of a pit. This spiritual warfare business is not very fun, and it's taking its toll on me right now. Given that I was on the prayer team for LYC, our team was subject to a lot of attacks. These attacks ranged anywhere from the internal things like depression or anxiety to external ones like feeling ill or exhaustion. As my introvertedness is the strongest area of who I am, all my struggles, of course, came internally.
Past issues that I've dealt with, things like lust, porn, depression, feeling of no self worth, etc., all came back and gave me a really rough week when I wasn't doing much. Essentially, the only thing that helped mask the symptoms was the busy-ness that I was caught up in while preparing for LYC and doing homework or playing games.
Now that the conference is over, though, it seems there's nothing to hold these issues back from taking full effect. So, since about Friday, I've been inflicted with a huge sense of a longing, an anxiety or impatience, that has lead to an enormous sense of discouragement. Because I'm a person that is so internally driven, I struggled tremendously to be motivated. Being discouraged is one of the hardest things for me to overcome because there's basically the feeling of hopelessness that overwhelms me to make me think that nothing I do or try to do is even close enough to achieving what I need to do.
Things were just bouncing back and forth, left and right, hitting me at every angle. Everything I tried to see more or less compounded with one another to make matters even worse. For example, I feel that I have no reason to be discouraged especially given that my roommate's dad had died a couple weeks back. So I proceed to think that I should try to be the best support that I can, but realizing that I really can't do anything just snowballs it into one giant wreck of a day.
So as I continue to battle through this discouragement, I just hope that I'm still able to not let it get too much in the way of my homework and assignments. I already foresee some of them being late simply because I can't find the drive to work, as being in the dumps makes it difficult for me to be productive.
Let's see how long this phase of depression goes on for! I'm determined to get back up and finish this stinkin' term off well.!
Sunday, March 16, 2014
With the Tides
March has been a crazy month - it always seems to be, here at Ambrose. I'll just walk through the last two weeks chronologically.
After my previous post, I had some more homework to finish, so a lot of my time was spent doing that. I don't really know why I'm someone that can only seem to work under pressure. If I try to tell myself to get ahead, or start doing something before I really need to, it never works. Maybe I'm not committed enough to doing it, but I just don't seem to be someone who's able to get ahead when I have some free time. I tend to stay more on track with doing things as they come up. I'm not entirely sure if I should try to change it or stay status quo. Some people have told me that this is who I am so I shouldn't be ashamed that I seem to be more of a "procrastinator" because it's just natural to me that I work better under pressure or time constraints. Others have told me that I need to do everything in my power to get ahead while I can; if I fall behind, then it's game over. I've rarely ever fallen behind, so it seems I walk this really fine line between the two sides that I hear from people.
A couple weeks ago, my roommate's dad passed away. As it was a bit of a surprise, it probably sucked more than it does. But in reality, can we ever truly say that we can be ready to lose a mother or a father? I don't think so. So my roommate went home for over a week, which left me to be alone in my room. Though I love having my own room and space to myself, it really sucked that it was at the expense of my roommate's dad. With this kind of thing, I don't think anyone can really do anything to help or comfort the party at loss. In such a situation, it seems more to be the words that aren't spoken that seem to be most effective. What's important is that we're present and willing to suffer and grieve with them. When Lazarus died, Jesus didn't go like "it's okay guys, I'm going to resurrect him." Rather, he wept, even in knowing that he would raise Lazarus from the dead. So it was rough, and still is, to see my roommate lose such a big part of his life. You don't recover from these things, so like he said, it's about holding on to Jesus, the one who is greater.
Finally, LYC concluded just a couple hours ago. I finally have time to sit down and relax. LYC, Legacy Youth Conference, is an annual student lead youth conference here, which I've been blessed to be a part of for four years. I never had much involvement the first couple years, but the last two, I've really tried to be active in volunteering. I'm glad that I joined the prayer team this year because I've always loved to pray, though maybe not as enthusiastically as others, and prayer is where any and everything that I do begins. There were the goods and the bads with this conference, but it has been really refreshing for me to battle through the highs and lows of a prayer life. On Friday and much of Saturday, my heart sucked; my prayers, therefore, suffered. There was a very evident weighty-ness that was burdening many of us, and it just seemed that not very much was spirited. However, we persisted, and the conference ended on a fantastic note. I had the privilege to pray for many things, and it's amazing to watch and see God answer prayers and make things happen.
With my involvement in this LYC, I can really see more and more that I'm going to be someone who serves more than leads. During the last rally today, it was an anointing/healing service. We had prepared oil for youth leaders and pastors to anoint their youth with. All I did was stand there with a box of tissue and made myself available for anyone who wished to talk or be prayed for. It's amazing what a simple prayer can do for some of these teens. I'm very thankful I had the opportunity to pray for several of them.
There's just over a month left in school. I cannot wait, but like I mentioned over at my Tumblr, God's really telling me to be patient and just focus on the things in front of me. It's good to be eager and excited, but dangerous to have too much in both regards. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing with hope and anticipation that many of my desires and wishes will come to fruition soon.
After my previous post, I had some more homework to finish, so a lot of my time was spent doing that. I don't really know why I'm someone that can only seem to work under pressure. If I try to tell myself to get ahead, or start doing something before I really need to, it never works. Maybe I'm not committed enough to doing it, but I just don't seem to be someone who's able to get ahead when I have some free time. I tend to stay more on track with doing things as they come up. I'm not entirely sure if I should try to change it or stay status quo. Some people have told me that this is who I am so I shouldn't be ashamed that I seem to be more of a "procrastinator" because it's just natural to me that I work better under pressure or time constraints. Others have told me that I need to do everything in my power to get ahead while I can; if I fall behind, then it's game over. I've rarely ever fallen behind, so it seems I walk this really fine line between the two sides that I hear from people.
A couple weeks ago, my roommate's dad passed away. As it was a bit of a surprise, it probably sucked more than it does. But in reality, can we ever truly say that we can be ready to lose a mother or a father? I don't think so. So my roommate went home for over a week, which left me to be alone in my room. Though I love having my own room and space to myself, it really sucked that it was at the expense of my roommate's dad. With this kind of thing, I don't think anyone can really do anything to help or comfort the party at loss. In such a situation, it seems more to be the words that aren't spoken that seem to be most effective. What's important is that we're present and willing to suffer and grieve with them. When Lazarus died, Jesus didn't go like "it's okay guys, I'm going to resurrect him." Rather, he wept, even in knowing that he would raise Lazarus from the dead. So it was rough, and still is, to see my roommate lose such a big part of his life. You don't recover from these things, so like he said, it's about holding on to Jesus, the one who is greater.
Finally, LYC concluded just a couple hours ago. I finally have time to sit down and relax. LYC, Legacy Youth Conference, is an annual student lead youth conference here, which I've been blessed to be a part of for four years. I never had much involvement the first couple years, but the last two, I've really tried to be active in volunteering. I'm glad that I joined the prayer team this year because I've always loved to pray, though maybe not as enthusiastically as others, and prayer is where any and everything that I do begins. There were the goods and the bads with this conference, but it has been really refreshing for me to battle through the highs and lows of a prayer life. On Friday and much of Saturday, my heart sucked; my prayers, therefore, suffered. There was a very evident weighty-ness that was burdening many of us, and it just seemed that not very much was spirited. However, we persisted, and the conference ended on a fantastic note. I had the privilege to pray for many things, and it's amazing to watch and see God answer prayers and make things happen.
With my involvement in this LYC, I can really see more and more that I'm going to be someone who serves more than leads. During the last rally today, it was an anointing/healing service. We had prepared oil for youth leaders and pastors to anoint their youth with. All I did was stand there with a box of tissue and made myself available for anyone who wished to talk or be prayed for. It's amazing what a simple prayer can do for some of these teens. I'm very thankful I had the opportunity to pray for several of them.
There's just over a month left in school. I cannot wait, but like I mentioned over at my Tumblr, God's really telling me to be patient and just focus on the things in front of me. It's good to be eager and excited, but dangerous to have too much in both regards. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing with hope and anticipation that many of my desires and wishes will come to fruition soon.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
A Lighter Load
I'm so glad that I've decided to refrain from serving regularly this semester. Before I came back to school, I was contemplating whether or not I should go back to serving at church or other regular ministries, be it worship or something else.
I gave it some brief thought, and what I decided was that I would take a break. At the time of the decision, I didn't have a lot to justify not serving, so I was somewhat hesitant to tell people I wasn't serving. I thought to myself that I'd just tell people that it was because this is my last semester and I really want to focus on school and getting accredited. Well, I had no trouble balancing school with ministry before, so why would I have any trouble now? This was the question I had to wrestle with for a little while.
After two months of a "break," I can say that I feel all sorts of things. Before this semester, I was serving full time on my internship. Prior to my internship, and on top of school work, I was leading worship regularly at church, leading worship with Upper Room Youth Ministries, and dipping my fingers into a bit of everything. At the pace that I was going at, I was going to be exhausted and possibly burnt out if I kept going. Toward the end of my internship, I started to feel tired, but not enough to make me want to stop. In January and February, though, I really started to feel that tiredness wash over me. Initially, I didn't really know why I was tired; I thought that it was maybe because I'm not feeding my soul enough, or I'm not taking enough care of myself. And while I think these factors definitely contributed, I really saw that I had basically gone two and a half to three years in a row with school and work with maybe a month of real rest in total.
So I think it is fair to say that I probably should be a little tired. As far as responsibilities go right now, I just have to look after my school work and begin planning my summer. I've already had offers to preach at churches and at summer camps, so I am excited that I get to look at those opportunities right now.
What I've realized with this bit of time off from serving is just how good it is to me and how much I needed it. I'll be honest and say that I don't really work that hard in school; it's not for the lack of trying, it's just I am not one to really enjoy school work and care enough about it to be a workhorse - but I digress. Being able to simply attend services to listen and absorb things rather than needing to think about what I have to do next, what I'm in charge of, etc., is so refreshing and allowing me to be on the other side of things for a change.
I am glad for this chance to take a back seat for a while and to be able to have a bit of a lighter load to cap off my education.
"I know I'm filled to be emptied again; the seed I've received I will sow."
I gave it some brief thought, and what I decided was that I would take a break. At the time of the decision, I didn't have a lot to justify not serving, so I was somewhat hesitant to tell people I wasn't serving. I thought to myself that I'd just tell people that it was because this is my last semester and I really want to focus on school and getting accredited. Well, I had no trouble balancing school with ministry before, so why would I have any trouble now? This was the question I had to wrestle with for a little while.
After two months of a "break," I can say that I feel all sorts of things. Before this semester, I was serving full time on my internship. Prior to my internship, and on top of school work, I was leading worship regularly at church, leading worship with Upper Room Youth Ministries, and dipping my fingers into a bit of everything. At the pace that I was going at, I was going to be exhausted and possibly burnt out if I kept going. Toward the end of my internship, I started to feel tired, but not enough to make me want to stop. In January and February, though, I really started to feel that tiredness wash over me. Initially, I didn't really know why I was tired; I thought that it was maybe because I'm not feeding my soul enough, or I'm not taking enough care of myself. And while I think these factors definitely contributed, I really saw that I had basically gone two and a half to three years in a row with school and work with maybe a month of real rest in total.
So I think it is fair to say that I probably should be a little tired. As far as responsibilities go right now, I just have to look after my school work and begin planning my summer. I've already had offers to preach at churches and at summer camps, so I am excited that I get to look at those opportunities right now.
What I've realized with this bit of time off from serving is just how good it is to me and how much I needed it. I'll be honest and say that I don't really work that hard in school; it's not for the lack of trying, it's just I am not one to really enjoy school work and care enough about it to be a workhorse - but I digress. Being able to simply attend services to listen and absorb things rather than needing to think about what I have to do next, what I'm in charge of, etc., is so refreshing and allowing me to be on the other side of things for a change.
I am glad for this chance to take a back seat for a while and to be able to have a bit of a lighter load to cap off my education.
"I know I'm filled to be emptied again; the seed I've received I will sow."
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