Still In Stars

Not entirely sure where to start, but I've been home for about 5 days and I'm still not entirely sure where I am right now or how I got here. Coming home has always felt like a bit of a haven to me because of it being, well, my home. I've tried to keep my activities to a minimum this Christmas break; and while I have, it has been hard for me to mentally be completely relieved. Having only two weeks to be home, and then having to move (yet again) down to Calgary keeps me on a bit of an edge.

I still don't think ending my internship has quite sunk in yet. Rather, it's actually quite difficult to even still grasp that it happened. When the only real tangible evidence that I've actually been on this internship is that my car has logged a couple thousand more kilometres and that my bank account suddenly got a bit fatter, you kind of hope that there's actual progress made other than just the miles you've added onto your life.

In my case, I really hope that what I've learned and how I grew didn't just stay in Saskatchewan. It would be criminal of me if I left who I had become back there. The challenge for me, then, is to try to learn to fly on my own again - this time in a different way.

I've been telling people that I really want my schooling to end so I can work, and that still holds true. Let's hope I can follow through and not get too eager or ahead of myself.

Happy holidays!

That's A Wrap

I'm honestly overwhelmed. This entire last week of my internship has been a crazy hurricane where I barely even had time to actually sit down and think about things. It's not even that late, but as I wait for my hair to dry from the shower, I'll write this one story that basically sums up my internship.

I needed to look into student loans for my last semester of school because my dad can't pay for all three of my brother, sister and my own's tuition without going into dangerous territory financially. So I did all the research needed, and basically only needed to apply. However, I pretty much forgot about it until a few days ago. Pushing it so close to Christmas time with almost anything is never a good idea. So, I had some concerns.

At the end of my internship, which was today, I knew that the church would take a love offering to give to me. And while I did expect some people to give me some, I didn't think it'd be more than a few hundred dollars at most. In the back of my mind, I also thought to myself, what if God wanted me to forget about student loans because there would be enough money from the love offering to pay off my tuition? I then thought that it'd be ridiculous. How can anyone realisitically expect people to give you upwards of 5 grand? So I dismissed the thought. God said to me, "watch this."

I am now staring at a cheque handed to me that has $5000 on it. When Greg announced to the church how much was given to me, I was so overwhelmed. I was already standing at the front to receive this cheque, and I was so humbled I couldn't hold my tears back anymore. So Greg handed me the cheque, and before he gave the benediction, whispered to me, "you're worth every penny." I just about lost it. But I had to get it together as quick as I could, because I had to go out to serve the cake. So I haven't even had the chance to process what just happened.

Now, I'm sitting in my bed with all my things packed, ready to leave first thing tomorrow morning. I still can't comprehend that I had been given almost $6000 between my last week of work and the love offering.

God is good. There really is nothing more that I can say. Thank you.

December Daze

I'm taking a bit of a break from my preparation for my final sermon here in Assiniboia as an intern. We're into the second week of advent, and my topic is about Jesus being a better judge. This whole series of topics for this year's advent at this church is pretty interesting, and I like it a lot. It's a bit harder for me to prepare for because it's a little beyond my natural interests in terms of things to talk about in the Bible. However, I am thankful that from reading through the book of Judges a couple times, I've really found an interest for the book.

So I've only got two and a half week left in this internship, but there is no slowing down! Because people are busy during this time of year, some of my helpers in Club DJ are away, so I've been needing to take over for some of the things that they are normally in charge of. I'm just glad that I have enough experience in working with kids that I am not BSing this ministry.

On top of preaching and running Club DJ, there's several Christmas functions that I'll be participating in. Somtimes I wonder why people would ask me to do something for these types of community events because I have lived here for seven months and really hold no reputation in the community at all. So, I guess that in many ways, being asked is quite the honour for me. Speaking of being honored, I found out that because of what I've been able to do here, this church is already looking into another potential intern next summer/fall (aw yeah). That's really awesome for me to hear. The only thing I need to caution, though they probably already know, is that no matter how the next inern does here, they can't compare him to me. Whether he makes me look like a scrub or vice versa, it'll be important to let him develop his own connections and impact in this community. But because the people here are so good, they'll probably be able to do just that.

A few weeks back, I was asked to preach at NEAC at the end of the month, right after Christmas. I thought about it, and actually got pretty excited about it. In the end, though, I chose to decline this invitation because, at this point in my life, I think spending time with my family and being able to relax is a little more important for me. It's not that I don't get to spend time with family if I had to preach, but I'm not at a point where preparing for a message during the week I need to preach is comfortable for me yet. It's actually quite crazy. I've been nervous for things before, but my days leading up to when I preach on a Sunday, it's a feeling I've never felt before - it happens every single time.

Well, my last official day here in Assiniboia is the 22nd. I do hope that I will be home on the evening of the 23rd, because my dad deserves a couple days to rest too. He'll be driving down to help me move back up.

I'll probably blog again before I'm done here; but in the case that I don't, it's been a blast, Assiniboia. I never thought that my life would've lead me here, but I'm so glad it did; and if I had the chance to redo my life so that I'd end up here again for my internship, I would do it again 10/10 times.

Stay warm.

Dreamin'

Let me steal a few minutes of your time and tell you about the Nathan you'll come know in the near future.

I've been throwing out so many scenarios of what my life will be like by this time next year, that I've probably come as close to losing perception of reality as any sane person could without losing it. All the aspirations of how I'd be, what life will look like, how I'll be perceived, etc., they've all come across my mind. At this point, what those things are, are basically what they are: dreams. I was thinking about whether or not I should even be thinking about these things, but I thought to myself, why not? Having these hypotheticals and situations play out allow me to set expectations of what I can work towards. Though I won't be able to achieve all of it at once, I do think that how I perceive my life in the near future can be pretty close.

It's kind of like when you're reading a story or watching a show, when you're trying so hard to stay with the present time, but there's that temptation to skip ahead because you don't have the patience to watch it develop; this is basically what I've been doing.

For your amusement, and mine, I'll tell you a few of the things that I saw myself doing. Before doing so, I'll let you know just how serious I have been about these things. By picturing myself doing these things, I've put countless hours into researching the topics; so if you'd like to know about some of these things, just ask me. LOL.

Raising a dog. It's funny. I've told myself that I need to be okay with living well on my own before I can live well with a wife and possibly a family. But by doing so, it still left a hole in me that I was no longer in active pursuit. Since the hole is left unaddressed, adding to the fact that I've been living with a dog here, I've gravitated to the desire to raise a dog. I actually think that there is a 95% chance that this will happen. Raising a dog has always been something I wanted to do; and now that I'm old enough to think about owning one, I have the potential to do exactly that. I'd teach him all the tricks in the world; we'd be best friends; and when I have people over at my place, there would be entertainment, especially given that I'm not exactly the most social person. It's like having kids, they become the life of the party.

Buying a car and a house. This one is a given, actually. I have a car now, but it's on its last legs. I'll probably look to purchase a car once I find a job. Not only is it a given, its a necessity. Who in the world likes a pastor that doesn't have a car?! A Honda Civic is probably what you can expect me to be driving. In terms of a house, it might be an apartment. However, if I have a dog, a house/condo is much more convenient. Add to the fact that I'd just much rather have my own space than to live in small little 900 sq.ft. of space, I get a little claustrophobic. I'll cook and I'll clean. You can come over to hang out if you'd like.

Build a computer. There's just something about building a computer that has always intrigued me. Maybe it's because I'm a nerd, and I have always dreamed of having the cool home entertainment system and awesome computer rig set up to have all the sweet technological things. This task has already started. Like I mentioned earlier, I've already researched most of the things I need to know and will begin to buy parts for my computer when Cyber Monday rolls around. The whole entertainment system and computer thing may or may not be the best idea for me, though. Given the work that I've seen myself doing and the hours that go into it, I don't even know much time I'll have to spend in front of the TV other than watching hockey. But there is a way around it, I just won't get into it now.

Start a family. Honestly, this is a result of the things I've already mentioned. Owning a dog, having a stable lifestyle, and knowing how to use my tools, they all kind of gear me toward being capable of starting my own family. I think this is the ultimate dream. If you think about it, each one of those things kind of build towards it. Should God bless me with the privilege of having my own family, I think that's going to bring me joy (and a ton of growing pains as well) that nothing else in life could ever bring me, other than the fact that he has already given me the gift of life.

Raising a dog will give me insight into how to care for kids and the relationship I'll have with them. Purchasing a house and a car will teach me to budget money and aid in the financial things. Building a computer, well, everyone's got to have some cool useless abilities right? Starting a family should be the real reason for finding the partnership in a significant other.

So there you have it, that is my life in the near future. This is where my heart lies aside from being called to ministry.

Flip Side

I haven't mentioned it a whole lot, but since July, I have been teaching piano to a 13 year old boy. There is no way I can tell you why or how I got into this because even I don't know. Either way, it's been another cool experience.

It seems like such a long time ago now, but for about three(maybe four? - my memory fails me) years before I left for school, I'd taught guitar to 5 or 6 kids. In my eyes, it was a failed experiment. I came to the conclusion that I wasted their time and money. While the majority of the parents who had approached me about it mostly wanted for their kids to get some outside interactions in, I wanted to give them the opportunity to take something valuable away from it. If you asked me today whether or not the kids still play the guitar, I'd probably say no.

So, why, then did I agree to teach piano? Great question! Like I said, I have no idea. I think I was just too nice to say no, and that the mom really wanted me to do it.

Teaching piano has been a little different because I'm mostly teaching just to see if the kid would do better with me, in terms of his interest for the skill. I don't think he's particularly amazing at piano, but he has the ability to pick things up quickly.

So this is where my frustration comes in: I know exactly what it's like on both sides now. I was pretty good at piano, not the best, but I did well. And my teachers probably knew that I could be very good too. The only problem was how much I hated it, and I knew very well how frustrated my teachers had gotten because I would never practice; or when I did, it was very sloppy practice. So now that I am seeing it from the teacher's side, I am sorry for all the grief that I've caused my piano teachers. Haha. I don't want to go so far to say that it's a waste of time when the student shows up for his/her lesson and they obviously didn't practice very much, but it's bordering that. Since about the beginning of October, I have been working on the same things with my student. I wanted to throw in a 3rd song for him to play, but his progress on the 2 just doesn't allow me to.

It's tough as a teacher because you often wonder if it's something you can do to help your students be more interested in what they're doing. Am I picking the right songs? Am I making things clear enough? Is the work load too much? The list goes on.

When I leave, Joshua will be going back to his old teacher, and I hope that she will have seen at least a bit of change in his approach to playing piano. I find that the way I teach is probably not very interesting to people. I almost always go back to the fundamentals, things that include posture, hand and arm positions, warm up routines, etc. I hated doing these things when I learned my stuff, but I knew that they pay off. These things are pretty boring and tedious, but they're just so necessary in building your core for almost any skill or trait. If it came down to it in music, I'd honestly teach all my students theory before they even touched the instrument.

But that's just me.

Home Stretch

How come, even though we grow up in such cold climate, that we still can't be used to it? I don't like cold weather! Have I mentioned that I dislike cold weather? Well, I really don't like cold weather.

Anyhow, since November started, it's been relatively busy. I've been sick for a little bit, but I'm not doing anything to help myself - I still go to bed way too late. I like 8 or 9 hours of sleep; that's my sweet spot for having a good day.

I am just over a month from completing my internship here in Assiniboia. The difficult thing is having to come to terms with this being an internship, not my job. So while I will have to move on and accept that being here was a school assignment, I can hold out for the hopes that when I do get to work for real, it'd be much longer so I can have a much more lasting impact, both on the church and for the church on me.

We had a Remembrance Day service this morning. And while I appreciate and respect the people that want to pay tribute to the veterans and people who have served in the wars, I wonder how long before  this type of "remembrance" will start to fade. Even with the old people that do them now, they are telling us the stories that they hear from their parents that lived through the war. So by the next generation, does this mean the core meaning and value of this type of a memorial will be lost? For me, while I have huge amounts of respect and appreciation for the people who fight for our freedom, I have no attachment to this type of a thing. Therefore, I find Remembrance Day ceremonies or services rather boring. Sorry. But because I know it's really important to a lot of people, I will do my best to make it important to me too.

In the last month of things here, I have a few things left to do. I will be preaching one more time, as well as leading worship one more time. I still need to find someone to take over Club DJ for the kids as well. I have someone in mind, but I am not entirely sure if she'd be willing to do it. In order for me to really see this program go where I feel it could, I probably would have needed to be around for at least 2 or 3 years. Three months is hardly anything.

But yeah, I've still got a few things to do, and I am excited about them. It will definitely be really difficult to leave this place that I've really grown comfortable with. It's been easier for me to call this place home than for me to call Calgary home. I'll admit I've had trouble settling down in Calgary over the three years I'd been there. It might just be because I never really found the group of people that I really want to hang out with. Who knows?

I better get to sleep soon.

Managing the Optimism

When harvest pretty much ended, we started up a new program for kids called Club DJ. It's a lot like AWANA and the pioneer clubs that we find across churches throughout the country. Since I'm heading this program up, I get to pretty much have the final say on almost anything (which is pretty cool - I'VE GOT THE POWER).

But as we all know, with great power comes great responsibility... Or, something like that. After about a month of running this ministry, I am so incredibly excited and encouraged by what we've seen in just a few short weeks. After each club, I've caught myself wishing the next one would come already. What's even more awesome is that we're nowhere near the efficiency that we should be at with running the thing yet, but the kids are still having such an amazing time.

We do it a little bit different from how AWANA has been like for me in past years. Our Club DJ runs on Tuesdays as an afternoon program type of a time slot. This works for us because Tuesday is the emptier day for extra-curricular activities in this town. We're doing it as an afterschool thing because some of the kids live out on farms, and it'd be too much of a hassle trying to get kids in and then having to drive back out if we have it as a 7:30-9 thing. So we'd finish our club at 5:15 or 5:30, and the kids can go home for supper.

One of the issues that I've had to deal with is how to manage this optimism that we are seeing right from the start. This last Tuesday, I was caught off guard and surprised at how many kids we had. Our first week started with seven kids, all regular church attenders. Then we increased by one or two each week, and suddenly we were popped with 14! While 14 still isn't that big, it was the fact that half of them were first timers. Since everybody has been getting sick the last couple weeks, we had several that weren't even able to come. So if everyone did come, we'd probably suddenly have 20.

Now, we're putting together the crafts for the kids to do. While trying to see how much of the material we need to order, we're faced with the challenge of how much of things we need to order. As already shown, by trying to be realistic, that might not work because we know what God can do to surprise us with numbers. But how optimistic can we be? We went through the possibilities of who else might come in the next couple weeks, and the range is just too big. We could technically be up to around 30 kids in two weeks. So even if we order enough for 25, which is already 10 more than our average attendance, and have 30 show up, that's going to be disastrous.

So the big decision that my team has to make is this: while we want to aim really high, prepare for the best because we know God can bring kids here, where do we draw the line from being optimistic enough to let God make use of our preparations, to that of just throwing away money that we really don't have to.

I am so glad that I am having these problems because it helps us know that these are the types of problems we want to have. These are the types of things that really help me get up in the mornings, and I am just so thankful that I get to be along for the ride here.

I think I will lean toward the thought of preparing for way more than what we deem realistic, and then having the faith in God that he will bring enough kids to be taking each one of the handbooks and crafts home.

Isaiah 40 -

²⁸ Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

What I Never Actually Said

I was as prepared as I could be. I swore I was ready to preach today. Even though I had one of the less popular passages that you'd expect a sermon to come from, I was quite confident that I was going to deliver and show that there is still important things to take from the greeting of one of Paul's letters.

I was slotted to start off 2 Timothy. While I wasn't all that excited to preach the first five verses where Paul basically says hi to Timothy, I managed to make it work. Or, at least I thought I did.

As I was walking up after the song, I quickly ran over everything I needed to say with my mind. For whatever reason, the second I started talking, I launched right into the middle of my notes. I caught myself doing it, but I couldn't stop - I just kept talking. I even remember, somewhere in the back of my mind, thinking, "oh no, I started right in the middle? This means my sermon is going to be like all of five minutes!"

Since we were preaching through Paul's letters chronologically, we did 1 Timothy, Titus, then we started on 2 Timothy today. As there was actually quite a fascinating background to this book/letter, I was actually stoked to tell everyone all about the context, how the letter came to be, about how Paul was basically going to die right after he finished this, etc. I managed to give some of it, albeit brief and spread out over a few places.

But I had it all planned out!

I was going to talk about how this is Pauls last hurrah, his going out in a blaze of glory, or whatever you do right before you die. And then I was going to recount the journey that he had with his disciple Timothy, which lead to his reminiscing of the situation that Paul was in while he wrote the letter. It was supposed to be an epic adventure.

The entire time I talked, probably all ten minutes of it, I was so confused. Even though I managed to get to most of the applicable parts of the sermon, talking about how we need to constantly nurture our faith to keep it genuine, much of what I said wasn't actually the way it was supposed to come out.

Honestly, I don't even really remember what I said during the whole thing; and I'm almost afraid of listening to it.

So I finished up and walked off the stage rather depressed, probably visibly too. I refused to make eye contact with anyone until the service was over. After service finally did end, a few people came up to me to thank me for my message and said that it was a good one. Now, having been here for five months, I've come to learn that people here are insanely nice and gracious. So the first few people to tell me that it was a good message, I was really skeptical because I felt that they were probably just being nice. Then, the associate pastor told me that he meant it when he said it's my best sermon since coming here, and I finally felt a little relieved.

It's almost ridiculous how that works sometimes. I tell myself to say something, but whatever it is that's coming out of my mouth is not lining up with what my brain said. It drives me nuts. It confuses the crap out of me. And yet, after it's done, I am comforted by the fact that God's using me for the better. I'm reminded that I need to shut up about what I want to say and let God do the talking. It's his message after all; I'm just the person that delivers it.

So while I am perfectly fine with God doing that to me, I just wish I didn't have to feel so terrible about it. Ah well, the enemy will attack at every corner that they can. Even though it's still a sermon that I probably would rather like to forget, I'll at least know next time that this happens why it's happening.

Big Plans

Wow, it's been a crazy few weeks. I didn't even realize the last time I blogged was back in September. Granted, it's only ten days into October, but there's been a lot of things going on, so it feels like a lot of time has passed.

Exciting things with me include having finalized my winter schedule for my graduating term and having successfully applied to graduate. If everything works out the way it's supposed to, I will officially be in the work force in about half a year. I'm incredibly stoked. I know that it's going to be a very challenging road ahead, but each day that I live and learn equips me to take on that challenge.

Because I'm looking at graduating, I am also looking at jobs. I think it's agreed upon by me and several other people that I've talked to that it's a good idea for me to take a bit of time off before I seriously consider positions. I know that the searching process will almost work in my favor because a lot of churches are already needing people like me to be a pastor in their church. So in some ways, I won't be looking for a job so much as my job will be looking for me.

I was able to have a brief chat with an old friend yesterday about this job searching process, and I came away very encouraged. I asked him about people pastoring in their home church; and while I already had a good idea of an answer I'd expect to get, what he contributed to the discussion was relevent to my entire job search and not just the question I asked. I'm now a little more aware of what I'll need to be looking for when I go out to look for a church to work at, and I'm incredibly grateful. A while back, I mentioned that I'm actively pursuing what people think I am doing well as I transition into ministry and what I need to do better, kind of an overall scope of things. From this chat, it became the second time that someone has said to me that they would hire me in a heartbeat. Hearing such words is probably still the most humbling thing anyone could say to me. It's crazy to think that because I haven't even come out to work for real yet, and there are people that are confident enough in me to tell me to my face that they'd pick me up without any hesitation. In the end, I think it's just a testament to the person God has made me to be. I have so much to learn, and honestly, I'd be willing to work and learn from any of these people that have said such encouraging words to me.

We had a small group meeting today and I came away pretty challenged. One of the questions that stuck out in my mind was to ask ourselves what being a fearless Christian looks like. There were several things that we talked about during the session. And while I'm usually someone that takes a while to be able to contribute to the discussion, I kept coming back to the idea that we need to be so rooted in the person of Christ and what he did for us on the cross. It really gives me the impression that, with the endless amounts of questions that we can ask about our faith and about life in general, it almost always comes back to Jesus. I guess we aren't really wrong to say that Jesus is the answer to everything. It's about being able to recognize who we are in relation to the reason that Jesus came to this earth, and what the result of that is. It's insanely profound, really. We've heard it millions of times, but I am still moved by it every single time I take it seriously.

Are you a sinner saved by grace? Or a saint who sins occassionally?

Back to Where It Began

Dang, blogging twice in one day, when was the last time this happened?

I didn't really have to blog again; but I want to, because I think it was a really neat experience.

So there's a piano/music teacher that uses our church to teach her lessons a couple days a week. It seems that this time around, she's got some really young students that are just beginning to learn what music is and be able to apply that to something concrete. I was sitting in my office, and the teacher has been using a room that's basically right across from my office. So while she's teaching her little group, I get to hear all that's going on in the room. I was trying to do things throughout the lesson, but I couldn't help but smile every time they did something that I thought was amusing or cute.

They say that you start developing your long term memory around the age of 4 or 5. The earliest and fondest memory that I have was actually the first couple times that I started playing piano. I do believe I was four because, as far as I know, I started to learn when I started Kindergarten. I was at my cousin's house one afternoon. She sat me down, opened a book, and showed me what the keys were all about and how the notes worked. I remember some reluctance in doing it because I didn't really like the idea of having to sit down and learn.

Little did I know, that as where it all began for me: the incredible journey of music that has so strongly influenced my life up until today. I am not sure what my parents or teachers had thought of me when I initially learned piano, but as much as I'm probably fabricating the details to try to make myself sound legendary, I learned insanely fast. Any and every memory that I have of learning different pieces, notes, scales, and all that kind of stuff was almost second nature to me. By the time I was in second grade of school, I was playing grade five material in piano. Shortly after that, I learned how to play Für Elise (the actual one, not the nooby simplified and toned down version). I also remember my piano teacher having to alter some of the chords that I'd have to play because my hands just simply weren't big enough to reach all the notes at the level of piano I was playing relative to my age and development - not to mention that I was a really small boy anyway.

But of course, all this time, my hate for piano grew and grew, and ultimately lead me to slowing down drastically and my eventual downfall. And that's where I stop, because this is already more than enough for why I'm posting this!

So hearing all the kids get introduced to notes and a keyboard today was really awesome. It's in my hopes that at least one of them will turn out to be a decent musician or even better! You never know what can happen if God has given you a gift, and it's up to us to nuture these kids and to give them every opportunity to grow and blossom. I hope that these kids are far more gifted than I am, and that their parents will be able to recognize it as well. Then, one day, they might be able to stand where I am now and see the same thing with some other kids that are just starting out as well.

Harvest

I guess I should blog, eh?

When I was brought out to sit in a seeder during the Spring, I wasn't too excited about it. The experience turned out to be great, mainly because of the person that I was having a chat with. This time, as harvest kind of began when I went home at the end of August, I was super excited to get to see some of the harvesting process done.

The process is very much the same: big trucks that drive themselves and a heck of a lot of work. It is insane how dusty and messy it can get when these combines are out and about so much everyday. I've been stuffed up for many days if the wind was blowing the air from the farms into the town. (I almost typed city, but forgot I'm living in a town - haha) But regardless, I really enjoyed getting the chance to sit in one of those combines and see the harvesting process, how it's unloaded into those big bins and all that fun stuff.

It's very true, the parallel between the farmers and harvest that Jesus talked about to what it actually is in real life. So many farmers are harvesting thousands of acres of land, and many of them are only done by a handful of people. I'm sure that some would rather do it themselves, but I think they could always use more help getting their crop in.

Meanwhile, back at church, we've been having several kick offs in terms of fall programs and all the typical school year routines. I'm especially excited about Sunday school because we're going through "The Truth Project." If you haven't heard of it, you should check it out. I kind of also want to make mention that it's nice to just sit back and be part of the "group" in some things after having had to lead so many other ministries. Church pastors and leaders are always in charge of this, doing that, etc., but it's so nice to have every once in a while to be able to not need to worry about teaching or organizing, that they can just sit there and absorb what's going on. This is the opportunity that I have with Sunday school this fall!

We're also getting Friend's Club ready for the kids. Strangely enough, I'm in charge of putting this thing together. And while it's slightly slower than I want it to be, just because of a few circumstances, it's almost ready to be kicked off at the start of October!

Other than these things, there hasn't been too much that's new with life in the Saskies. I am mostly keeping busy with things that I want to do and things that I have to do, and it is an absolute joy; it's not easy, but it is awesome.

Add onto the fact that hockey has started up again, I am one excited dude!

"Then he said to his disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.'" - Matthew 9:37-38

Crazy

Technically, I began my final year of Bible college this month. Even though I'm not directly at school and in classes, I'm still "in school" by being on my internship. So within eight months, my hopes is that I am graduated and liscensed to work in the Alliance denomination.

Just the thought about that possibility is mind blowing. I remember when I first heard thoughts in my prayer about going into ministry. I remember the first couple times I was told that I should consider going to Bible college. The day I moved to Calgary to begin the journey is still so clear to me. All of a sudden, here I am. I'm not done yet, but the next big destination is on the horizon.

And to take it even further, get this: I'll soon be able to basically be working with a lot of people that watched me grow up in the church. That's insane, dude! I will have the opportunity to be working alongside some of the people that I looked up to, people that have helped shape me into who I am today, and people who have been doing the work I've been training to do for basically my entire life.

Finally, the most bizarre thing that I still refuse to accept is that the people who I've always looked forward to seeing on weekends, and certain occasions that would allow me to go to church, will be under my guidance. Not to say that I want to go back to my home church, though the thought of being able to work there is always interesting, but I've always taken a special interest in people who went to church; so in that sense, I go from being a church goer to the one that guides the church goers.

So, to think that being on this internship kind of doing what I've described is already surreal, what would it look like when I'm actually doing it for real? A little frightening, actually. But again, I refuse to back down now. I'm so determined to do the absolute best that I am capable of. I can't even remember being this driven in my life. I guess that kind of being put into the situation has sprouted this inside of me. I'm still the lazy and laidback person that I've always been, but it's a different kind that I never knew I had in me. You might be able to say that I've found my purpose, and with it comes with a bit of swagger to how I carry myself.. I just used the word swagger.

Crazy doesn't even begin to describe what this feels like.

I hope that everyone is taking advantage of the first couple weeks of September to really set themselves up well for this year. The second you fall behind, climbing becomes that much harder.

And remember this: what you do in private makes you either powerful or pathetic.

Becoming Whole

My time at home is coming to an end pretty soon. I'll be going to Calgary on Monday and then back to Assiniboia on Tuesday to finish the last four months of my internship. It's been a fun ride so far, and I expect the rest of this time will be no less than it has been for my first few.

When you put things into perspective, it's really eye-opening - how many times have you heard this before. Looking at my time in Saskatchewan, there's a lot of things to put into consideration. For instance, this could be the only time of my entire life where I am in this province. Seven months in my life or anyone else's lives there is almost irrelevent to the span of fifty years or more. And yet, such a small amount of time can make such a big difference. Or conversely, this could be the first of many years for me in Saskatchewan. I don't know. At this very point in my life, it would not be my choice of destination to do life in for the next bunch of years, but I wouldn't turn down an opportunity if I feel it is the right one. Even for the people in this town and church who have gotten to know me, or will get to know me, it's hardly enough time, it seems, for there to be any significant impact that will last a long time for me going in as an intern. So I'm always wondering if I can play as big of a role in their lives as they do in mine. Chances are that I won't, for obvious reasons. However, I don't think this stops me from making the most of what I'm given. So because of how gracious the people here are, it works out.

Learning about the wholeness of things has been very steadily consuming my mind recently, and there are many more things that have contributed to it.

Full time ministry has taken over my life when I turned 18. So for the past four years, I've had plenty of time to think about what being in ministry will look like for me. In turn, this plays into the shaping of my philosophy of ministry, something that pretty much all my profs and mentors tell me to revisit often. I think a lot about what I would look like when I'm working in a church in the future. I'm not sure how effective I'll be, but from this point in time, I think that's to be expected. So, since looking at the start of a new career is always filled with uncertainty, there's a lot of things and factors that affect or change how I view myself in ministry. It's been better since my internship, but it's usually kind of hard trying to get a grasp of what other people think. I'm a pretty curious person, so I would love to know what other people think of me being in ministry. At one point, there was tremendous support. But the time those comments came are long gone, and I'd like to think that I'm not the same person I am today as I was at 18, so there's got to be changes. Not to say that I don't have support from people, but that I don't get many chances to hear what they have to say anymore.

So with this final year upcoming, I think it could be a good idea for me to revisit this process to see what people think and maybe how their views have changed or not changed since the time that I first took to heart God's calling. It'd really help round things out for me, seeing what people thought back then and comparing it to where they see me going now. Even if it doesn't amount to a whole lot, it'd be very valuable in helping me evaluate my life.

One other thing came to mind today. I don't really know why I think about these things, but since it relates to the entirety of this post, I will talk about it. The best way for me to describe it is probably with some kind of lame example. As a musician or recording artist, his or her music and styles change over time. So if someone is asked to play songs that they wrote and sang five or ten years ago, how much of who they are now affects the way they play that song? Maybe who they are now completely disagrees with who they used to be, so it'd be hard for them to really reciprocate the message that that particular song had for them at that point in time. Therefore, it makes for a bit of a strange encounter. For someone that puts heavy emotion and investment into writing their particular music, it would be really hard for him or her to really do that song justice if it just doesn't represent who they are anymore. As people evolve, our tastes change as well; one event leads to the next.

When you look at it as a whole, who they used to be has brought them to where they are now. But hopefully it doesn't stop there. There should always be a hope that where they are now will continue to take them somewhere into the future. So I think it's always important to acknowledge our past, even if we didn't like them, because that past has brought us to where we are now. And where we are now, is also paving the road for us to allow our futures to unfold. Everything helps us get closer and closer to becoming whole.

This, to me, is what the essence of being a Christian is all about.

Hello, Again

Aside from melting and dancing like a dork to some addicting music, today was a day that I needed - I danced like a dork because I can. Usually, when I don't really do anything productive during a day, I feel a little guilty. Not today, though.

Today is a good day to blog because of a couple of things. The first one is that I am more or less kind of halfway through my internship now. I arrived in Assiniboia on May 18 with half an open mind and a challenge laid out before me, to fulfill the internship aspect of my education degree and to gain better experience of what being in ministry is like. A second reason is because VBS has finished; and to my expectations, I'm very glad that the week went well. Finally, the end of the summer is approaching, meaning the start to a new school year again. For the second time in my life, I won't be going back to school like a lot of people are.

I remember back in April and in May, before coming here to Assiniboia, asking a lot of people and hearing what they have to say about internships and all that kind of stuff. At the time, I did my very best to listen and take note of as many things as I could have in order to prepare myself. As of right now, I honestly cannot even recall anything that people told me. There was advice, expectations, goals, all kinds of different things that I wanted to know. I don't know if those things have been tatoo'd into my brain or something, but I can't even remember 90% of what was said to me. Quite frankly, I think that it's nice to ask people to see what they think about things, but when you're actually immersed into the process and into the thing, most of that stuff is a wash anyway. Practice and preparation helps you through a lot of things, but I always feel like that's only half of the story. The other half, of course, comes with how you are able to handle yourself in the situation. I could have had the best advice in the world (and I actually feel like I did get some of the best), but I don't know how much of it actually has affected me or played a role in how I did something. What's been more important in my ministry here is that there have been people who have been by my side, walking with me, and helping me through every step. That guidance has been far superior to anything someone might have said way back when.

What this means for me particularly going forward is that I hope it reminds me that when it comes a time when a situation presents itself in front of me where I can help someone, do more than just give advice: walk with them, care for their needs. James 2 talks about what good is it if you see someone who is struggling to meet their needs, and all you say to them is "be well." In a modern day context, that is like seeing someone struggle with something, and all you say is, "I'll pray for you!" Scary how true it rings for many of us.

So VBS went quite well despite all my anxiety and nervousness. We had, on average, 11 or 12 kids each day of the week. I wasn't expecting more than that, but we had 16 or 17 kids in an overall attendance. That means that if they all came every day, we'd have had a few more. All in all though, I'm again thankful for the help that I'd gotten because it continuously felt like I didn't do a whole lot other than to make sure that the thing was actually going. We had Kendra and Sonnie come from CEF (Child Evangelism Fellowship) to lead the program throughout the week, while the church provided the filler activities such as crafts, games, and other things. I was blown away by the maturity level of both Kendra and Sonnie, and it was really sweet to have had them come to hang out with our kids.

I still don't really know what I should have done better for this VBS. Perhaps better advertisement could have helped, but I still think our numbers wouldn't have increased very much. There were a whole bunch of other factors that played into the attendance that we had. So I guess that at the end of the day, it was a neat experience having something just kind of dumped on me and seeing how I handled it - not very well, haha.

On Tuesday, I will be flying back to Edmonton to spend a couple weeks at home! It's my parents' 25th anniversary this year. And as many people have already seen on Facebook, my dad's been doing his thing already. I'm not too surprised that my dad's like this, but having talked to my mom, I know that she is just a little embarrassed. Haha. Anyhow, I'll get to spend some time with my family before the Fall things kick in. And I do have to give my parents props, because if they never got married 25 years ago, I'd never have been born.

So yeah, I'm excited to go home, mainly for a few things: the city life, cellular reception, and Tales of Xillia. As for everything else, I think I will confess now that I don't really have much inclination left to go home. I've realized that I really only want to go home for my family. When I first heard my cousins describe Edmonton after having left for several years, I've finally gotten to that point now. I will acknowledge the place that Edmonton has in my heart, but I don't really find much need for me to go back for an extended amount of time anymore. There is nothing against my friends there or the city itself, but I realize that life is about forward motion. If life brings me back to Edmonton for work or something else, then I'll fully embrace it. But as of now, there's no point me me getting all tripped up in the nostalgia of what the city means to me.

For my final thoughts, I'm at a good place right now. All things considered, I think life is fantastic. I love the fact that I don't need to go back to school immediately this September. Rather, I can focus more of my efforts in getting the ministries at church back into the school year routine. I told Greg this a while back, but serving in a church feels way too natural to me. I think this has been one of the most confirming aspects of my internship. I love doing this job so much that it doesn't even feel like a job. It's kind of like a dream job. Well, making music all day would be my dream job, but you get the point. It's not easy, but I really can see myself doing this for the rest of my life. And I'm not backing down.

Good night, friends!

A New Question. A New Outlook

Alright. Alright. I honestly have no idea why I am blogging about this, but it's currently 12:41am on a Monday morning, and I just got home from spending three hours on top of a roof watching a meteor "shower."

First things first. An immediate question you may have is, "why did you put 'shower' in quotations?" The answer is simple. I went into this adventure to the rooftop with unrealistic expectations. I thought I was going to see something along the lines of those photoshopped pictures and fantasies where the entire sky is lit up with meteorites burning through the earth's atmosphere. While there were several cool ones, it was very underwhelming simply because of what I thought it would have been. I guess I should have used my brain to think that it would be more like what it turned out to be. And another thing that attributed to the disappointment was that we weren't up there during the peak hours - at 5am, apparently.

VBS is happening this week. I had to really force myself to accept that even though I don't understand people not signing up for it, they will show up. It is one thing to have 20 or 30 kids sign up prior, and then have the 15 to 20 last minute sign ups that do it the day before or the day of the start of camps; and it is another to just not have anyone officially register, but have plans to come attend. It was so hard for me, during the week, to try to prepare something that I had a difficult time believing that it would happen. As a result, I'm a bit behind in some of the prep work. It's almost like trying to run a business, knowing that you will be closing down in a month, but you still have to do it and sell your product like you're going to keep running. I was told that this is a small town thing. Though, I don't really think that it's necessarily like this all the time because at least a few people were surprised that no one had signed up a week before camp. So I guess it's just a new experience for me again. I did feel like God was telling me, on a few occasions, that even though no one had signed up yet, to have faith in him. And since I am someone that lacks faith, I didn't take this well. I'm not sure what this week will look like, but I know for sure that it will help me in the future. One of the toughest things for a pastor is to work so hard for so long, but seemingly see no results and no growth or nothing coming to fruition. It's the same concept, except with mine on a much smaller scale.

Finally, I have had the pleasure of meeting even more people in the last little while. From guest speakers, to people who are just stopping by, to old visitors who used to be part of the church, etc., tons of people who I've gotten the chance to see. So when I said I have no idea why I'm blogging this, I meant specifically this part. Haha. When first meeting several people, on top of the general things that people usually tell others about, I'm also being asked if I'm single or in a relationship. I usually say that I'm single, kind of brushing it off saying that I haven't really put in much time and effort into looking for a SO, and for whatever reason they kind of give me a sense that they are surprised. It's true that I don't really put a whole lot of effort or actively try to search for a girlfriend, but I'd be lying if I said it's never on my mind. Of course it is. I'm a dude, it's what we do. But I haven't really made an effort to explore this area of my life, I guess I can say. So I am wondering if it is time that I start doing that.

I don't really know, though. It seems so lame for me to be thinking, "okay! Let's begin to search for a girlfriend!" That just feels really weird to me. So, even thinking and blogging about it is kind of embarrassing. LOL. Oh well, if I meet a girl that really blows me away, then I'll look deeper into it. Off the top of my head, I can only think of one girl that I've met in the last couple years that is anywhere near that category. But like I said, I really don't put much thought into it.

Cya nerds.

Continuation

It's been a very strange couple of days. The rollercoaster of life decided to condense all its ups and downs into a very dense frequency that just turned all my insides around.

I didn't get to visit the lady again because she passed away. On Sunday, when I was passing out communion, I got to a man that looked really familiar, but I couldn't seem to recall who he was - I tend to do that with just about everyone I've met recently. After service, though, as I stood by the doorway out of the sanctuary, I saw him standing over by the coat rack by himself; and then it struck me right in the face. He was the husband of the lady who I had visited on Saturday. There was this really strange urge for me to go over to talk to him to see how he's doing even though I was still greeting some people. I caught a couple glimpses when he looked over at me, seeming like he wanted to talk to me. Something held me back though. I very rarely regret things, but when I left church, I felt like kicking myself in the face for not talking to him. I felt so bad. There's always things that I don't do that I feel like I should have done, or vice versa, but this time it felt completely different. It felt much more significant. Even now, I want to go back and be able to change that. Normally, when things pass by that I think could have gone differently, I'll acknowledge the hindsight, but rarely do I want to relive it and make that change; this time, I do.

Next week is also to be our VBS. As of this morning, there are zero kids registered to attend. On Sunday night, I felt this really heavy burden that was conflicting me, wondering why it's the week before and there's still zero sign ups. I'll admit right now that I haven't done a whole lot of work to prep for this VBS because there's some amazing people who have voluntarily helped me get crafts prepared, snacks ready, and all that kind of stuff; all I've really done is to get the ball rolling and made sure it kept going. So the thought of having to possibly cancel VBS because there's no kids is piercing. If I have to go up on Sunday to make the announcement that it's cancelled, I will feel really bad for the several that have taken time out to help me prepare, having all that effort amount to nothing.

Then on Monday, I decided to go out to take a walk into town. Because it was a holiday, pretty much nothing was open. The town was so quiet it was almost scary, as I walked through the streets. The funny thing that I found, of course, was that the Chinese restaurant was still open. I almost wanted to go in just to see what it was like, as I haven't been there yet. When I got home from the walk though, I felt so refreshed, so uplifted, like there wasn't a single worry in the world to be had. I felt so good. I even went on to have an awesome rest of the afternoon and evening. In League (I know you don't care, but I'm telling you anyway), I almost had back to back pentakills. What that means is I almost took out the entire enemy team by myself twice. For reference, it's like scoring two hattricks in a single game, and I'd have scored 5. It was an amazing Monday.

Fast forward to this morning, I just felt kind of down again. Having to come back to facing the things that are ahead of me this week, there's a lot that I need to do. I need to continue to prepare for a possibly non-existant VBS, find music to lead worship with, contact a load of people to find their availabilities for several ministries, etc. I don't really think that I'm overwhelmed or feeling worried about any of these things, but I just feel terrible when I let people down.

So in the midst of all this, I wrote a song. LOL. I have no idea why or how, but it just kind of showed up. I've recorded an unfinished version on my computer, but I don't think I'd change it a whole lot more. It's a pretty dark song, as you might have guessed with all that's gone on the past few days, but I'm just amazed that it came out because I am a terrible songwriter. I wonder if I should share it - I really don't know, because if you're good at reading between lines, it kind of reveals some of the darkest areas of my life.

Anyhow, back to work.

Facing Death

I experienced one of the most painful things in my life today. When first asked if it was something I wanted to do, I really didn't want to; but I knew that I'd eventually have to deal with these things, so that's why I chose to go.

For many of us that have had been in that situation before, I am sorry that you had to go through it. Yesterday, I was informed that there was someone from the church who only had a few days left to live. I was asked if I wanted to go visit her at the nursing home today. Knowing that she was basically unconscious and starting to get cold, the thought of the possibility that she might pass on right in front of me was a thought that made me feel the most uncomfortable I'd been in a long time.

As with a lot of things in life, I just kind of did it; I just showed up. When I entered the room with the associate pastor, I saw her laying on the bed, her husband sitting beside her, and her daughter and son in law around as well. George Beverly Shea was being played in the background, and before anything was really said, the mood was as sombre as it would have been during a funeral service.

Then, I was blown away by the strength and, I might even say, joy that came from the lady's daughter. She was just trying to bring us up to date on what's been going on, and she seemed to be so free of worry. It caught me so off guard because I was being absolutely swallowed by the whole thing of someone slowly passing away right in front of me, and here is a lady, a daughter, who seemed to be in good spirits.

Such is the hope and peace that is found in Christ Jesus.

We sat there, and as the daughter was telling us a couple stories and recounting some memories with us, I saw the lady's husband in the background trying so hard to hold back tears. As a husband, what is it like to see your wife laying there during her last few days? I can't even begin to fathom what that's like.

We didn't stay long, because they seemed to have already been overwhelmed with the amount of visitors over the last day and a little bit. Before we left, I was asked to pray, and this is probably where I might have potentially screwed the whole thing up. I didn't know what to say. I can't even remember much of what I actually prayed about, but the words that came out of my mouth probably didn't make much sense. It was tough.

I've mentioned that I've had to deal with the idea of death so much more recently, and it still kind of haunts me. When the day started, I wanted to and needed to do a few things today; but after the visit, I really couldn't work myself up to doing much for the rest of the day.

I'm just so glad that their family is a believing family, so we can look forward to having the lady be with the Lord rather than feel pain and suffering down here on earth. I'd been told a few times by different people, who have the experience, that the difference between Christian families and secular families during the times of the passing of a family member seems to be night and day. So don't even ask me how I'd be if I had to go through it with a non-believing family.

Before we left, we said that we'd try to see them again tomorrow. If that is a possibility, I think I want to be back there with them.

Summer Times

I haven't had a whole lot to blog about since July started, to be honest. There's been lots of little mentions I could have made, but none of them really deserved an entire blog post to itself, I don't think.

Regardless, I decided to blog tonight because I'm a little bored. Having Mondays off is a wonderful thing. It's a little different adjusting to the week of working and such because the job of a pastor is more similar to that of a shift worker than the set 40 hour 9 to 5 week types. My weeks don't have a whole lot of cemented work hours, but it is still structured enough to build a routine around. So I kind of really like the flexibility of that. I would probably like it a lot especially during the times where I want to change it up a bit and decide to go work in a coffee shop or something, I'd be able to do that. Or if I wanted to go hang out with someone during the day, I'd be able to do that too because it'd be considered a ministry activity.

The summer time is usually pretty quiet in the church. For those of us that don't really go anywhere and stay at home, we'd be able to see that church is usually much quieter during the summers as people are away on vacations and such. So I guess because of that, there hasn't been a whole lot of exciting things to talk about. Though when harvest time comes around in October, I think things will really pick up after that (as well as my allergies...).

One of the more notable things I've done in July was the senior home/hospital services I did last week. I went around to three of the senior homes/hospitals on a Wednesday to provide a brief service for the older folks. It is still something that I struggle with, when I see people like that who require so much attention just to meet basic needs (specifically the level 3 and 4 care homes). Some of them are so disabled, they're basically waiting to die. It's so harsh for me to think that way, but it's the reality of their situations and it's why I am struggling so much with it. That's why when I meet some older people who are filled with joy and are still so alive, it makes me incredibly happy to see them in that kind of state.

I guess one final thing that I can talk about, relating to my internship, is that I am finding myself to be way more liberal than I thought I'd be. This is speaking specifically about the context that I am in right now. It's crazy how just by being surrounded by a slightly different environment how much it can change your stance on a lot of things. I've always seen myself to be a bit more of an old school kind of guy, given my cultural background and other things, but I am really getting to experience what "tradition" and classical and all that kind of stuff looks like now. I've done my best to cater to the church that I am serving at; and while a lot of things are pretty easy for me to adjust to, there's some things that I see and prefer that just probably wouldn't work here. Some of the differences are found in theological stances and such, but I've come to learn that while some people want to die on these hills, I'll just keep those opinions to myself unless they specifically ask me about it. Things like ordination of women, drinking, etc., I have my own views, and some will obviously have strong stances on these topics, but I probably won't try to force mine onto them.

Anyhow, I have no idea what I'm saying anymore. So I will end it here! Hope everyone has had a nice July and will have an even better August.

Lessons Learned

Given the time that I've been down here so far, I don't think that I can even count for you how many things I've learned. There's a ton of variety, but much of these things have come from that thing of perspective again. Big city, small town - whatever you have it - though it may have played into some of these things that I've learned, not all has to do with that.

Having had to basically fend for myself, managing budgets, cooking meals, living alone, and all that sort of stuff has probably meant more to me than most other experiences so far. It's one thing to move out and live in a dorm, but it's a totally different thing when you're "working" rather than going to school. I think I will touch on two of these things that I've learned.

The first thing that I've noticed a lot of is that while ministry definitely has it's benefits of really feeling like you can accomplish something, it's more so about the climb and the process rather than the overall progress. In bible school, they don't really teach you to wash dishes, vacuum, fix things, etc., but all of these things are a reality of everyday life in the church. It's obviously not so pretty, but it's necessary. So what's really important is that we really need to take care of the gifts that God has given us, whether spiritually or materialistically, and he will reward us tenfold. I've spent a lot of time complaining and whining (to myself, of course) about how this isn't working properly, or why the dishes aren't done, and all that kind of stuff, that it eventually helped me realize that these small things, and knowing that they build character, will go a long ways to helping me mature and grow as an individual. Yeah, I'd much rather spend my time playing League, watching YouTube, or whatever, but the shift in priorities has really allowed me to gain a better appreciation for many other things. I've always been told by other pastors that this is what pastoral life is really like, but as is for all other things in life, you don't really get to the true understanding until you experience it for yourself - such is the way of the post-modern world.

Since about this past Thursday or Friday, I haven't been feeling that great. My body's been aching for a few days and my sinus'/throat area feels way too congested from allergies or other things. So while I'm trying to take care of myself, such as drinking more water, sleeping earlier, eating healthier, I took the time to think about what being sick does to someone. I don't know one person that actually enjoys being sick, even if to skip school, but we're always wondering why we get sick and blah blah blah, especially when we find out that a sickness may have taken someone's life. For me, I thought back to the few days before I got sick. And because I'm that kind of person to over-analyze every little detail, I went to recalling the food that I ate, the times I'd gone to bed, etc. Even though I don't think any of those factored in very much as to why I'm feeling ill, it kind of gave me the opportunity to recalibrate myself. I've reviewed the things I've been eating, making adjustments and what not, made sure I've gone to bed earlier, etc. So in that way, it's kind of reset my mind and body to what I need to do to take care of myself. Some people go on those detox diets to clear out their system, and it's kind of like that. Many of us take good health for granted, so maybe that's why I get sick every once in a while. It helps with realigning us to a "better" lifestyle, improving how we treat ourselves, or whatever itt may be.

So yeah, that's about all I got. It'd be nice if we could consitently be able to have the perspectives that we do, but I guess that's why we go through life: to experience the ups and downs.

Keeping Track

So I've been logging all my spending money since I started this internship. While my spending seems to be pretty much on par for what I had planned/budgeted, it's always neat to kind of be able to see it from the big perspective. I've found that it's also helped me keep myself in check to be spending only what I need.

Except today.

I spent an extra 15 dollars on food that I probably didn't need, but wanted just because it was on sale. On a previous post, I mentioned how I don't have a co-op membership so I try to ask other people for theirs. Today, as I walked up to line up, something else struck me. I took a peek at the elderly couple's purchases, and then I looked at mine. It became obvious to me which set of groceries belonged to the 22 year old single guy. I, then, pretty much spent several minutes thinking about the groceries people buy; not entirely sure why I did, but I guess when I'm doing these things, adding to the fact that I'm a thinker, it makes sense. So I kind of concluded that you can really tell what someone is like based on the what they buy at the market.

I am not sure what else there is to say. Just kind of wanted to share this. Haha.

Happy July to you! (Since I forgot about it during my last post)

Home Advantage

One thing I've been reminded of over the last few years is the whole thing of, or advantages of, being home. Having been the "new guy" several times already, it's been interesting to kind of see how I've needed to change or adjust certain things to the context of my surroundings and environment. People are generally so built upon routines that it is sometimes very uneasy to bring in change. Certain things need to be done a certain way, or this needs to be like that.

What I've noticed that's kind of neat (haven't decided if it's good, bad, or neutral yet) about me having to adjust and adapt to so many new places in the last three years is how I've brought my own upbringing and heritage into the enrironment, and seeing whether or not it is generally accepted. There's actually so many different habits and diferent things I've developed in the different places that I sometimes don't even know where I'll have learned something from.

Usually I get push backs for suggesting to do something a certain way, and understandably so. I'm the new guy, so usually you would think I should be sensitive of how things are done in this particular situation rather than how I had done it at home.

The positive times where someone is actually nice enough to entertain and welcome my ideas always leave me incredibly greatful. I'm pretty confident to say that most of the time I want to do something a certain way, I don't really have a specific reason for it; it's just how I've seen it done, have it kind of work, and therefore take it to use for myself. So while some people are really aggravating and always have some kind of a retaliation, I think I end up appreciating the feedback more often than not because I get to take the opportunity to think about why it is that I really do things the way that I do. Whatever the pushy people think, that's fine; they are allowed to have their opinion, and often what they think won't really affect me very much if it's as unreasonable as it's perceived to be.

I do my best to be as flexible and as open a person as possible. Obviously, this is easier some times more than others. After all, I, too, have a certain upbringing that's brought me to where I am. I'll have my own opinion on certain things, but I don't really expect you to accept it as dogma. I don't try to force it upon you, so I'd at least expect you to be the same with your opinions. Although, at this point in time, anything that I've brought from anywhere is all hazy because my memory just seems to mash things all together: the past being the past.

What I'm really saying, I think, is that we're all just entitled muh'f...

If I Got to Choose

I got to speak for the first time since my internship started. I'd say it went decently well, given the circumstances. 1 Timothy 6:3-6 was the passage that I spoke on. It was handed to me, so I didn't really get to choose what I wanted to talk about. So I thought it was a pretty interesting way to go about it: having preach one passage of the bigger series rather than just having me pick something I wanted to preach about.

So, yeah, it went pretty well. All in all, it was a different "preaching" experience for me. One, they got me to rehearse not once, but twice. I'm not really one for rehearsing when it comes to these sorts of things. So there was that. The other thing was that for whatever reason, they hyped me up so much. I understand that they want to make me feel good or whatever, but it really is unnecessary. Even though I'm the "intern," it's not required for people to go out of the way to make such a big deal out of me. I'd rather just quietly go about my business. But, at the same time, I do appreciate it greatly. For this instance, I didn't want so much hype because then it started to seem like people came to watch me preach. It was more about me rather than the message. If and when that is ever the case, then the focus is not right. So that's why I thought that I didn't need so much build up. Though I'm pretty sure it's just a one time thing because it was my first time preaching, and I'm just not really a preacher to begin with (at this point in time).

Anywho, June has now concluded, kids are out of school, and it is hot. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last week because I'm not used to sleeping in the heat. I have the basement at home, so it's always cool. When I'm at school, it's usually during the winter months so it's not that warm anyway. This is why I'm making a concious effort to sleep earlier to compensate for my likelihood of waking up a couple times due to the heat in the middle of the night. But, I don't want to complain because I love summer! .. Aside from the bugs, it is the perfect season.

So tomorrow is Canada Day, probably just going to take it easy. And I am excited for the summer months even though there is not a ton that is happening.

Just thought I'd let you know, you looked beautiful today! (=

Only Here

There's only one grocery store in all of Assiniboia. Apparently there used to be another one but it burnt down a few years ago. Even when it was up, I hear that it a bit of a sketchy store anyway. The CO-OP has membership stuff, like most other places I guess, and whenever you go up to pay for your things, they usually ask for your number. I have no idea what the number does for you, earn points or other things. Obviously, I don't have a card, and I don't really plan on getting one because I'm only here until Christmas, so I don't feel like it'd benefit me all that much to carry one around. I never shop at CO-OPs elsewhere.

After the first couple visits with the awkward "I don't have a number," I decided that it'd be a waste if I just went to pay without reaping in some kind of benefits for the groceries I'm buying. It was then that I came up with the brilliant idea to just take these opportunities to ask the person behind me for their number and use theirs. It's been pretty cool so far. Each time I asked the person to see if they wanted to use their number, they met the chance with a smile and thanked me. It's pretty cool to be able to do this because I've never really done these sorts of randon acts of kindness things that so many people swoon themselves over when they see other people doing it. Things like paying for the person behind them's drive-through, etc. So hopefully allowing the people of this town to get something out of what could be nothing can make their days a little better.

I also believe that one of the greatest honors and compliments that anyone could ever receive is when someone says, "this guy is going to go far." I think I've said it so few times that I can tell you who exactly I've thought of or talked about that could go far in life. When I think about them now, they're either making it really big, or are well on their way. To me, though, the people that I feel this way about are pretty obvious that they're going to be successful, meaning it doesn't take a talent scout or super high ranked CEO to notice that they're gifted.

Since coming here, which has been a little over a month now, I've been told on three occasions that this has been said about me: twice indirectly by someone, and once said directly to me - and in all three cases, it was coming from people who are well respected given who they are in and around the church/district. It's probably the most humbling thing for me to hear because I really don't think of myself as someone who could be that successful in life. I can see why it is, if I were able to "make it," that I would turn out well, but never thought that it'd be attainable. There's so many other people that are far more capable than I am, so hearing that people think highly of me is one of the biggest blessings I can ever receive. I actually think that both my siblings have much more potential than I do, so if they do in fact meet my expectations for them, then maybe I won't actually be that much better off. Haha. At the same time, it reminds me of the incredibly high expectations that are both had on me and the ones that I have for myself. So hopefully it's something that can actually motivate me rather than cause me to crawl into a corner trying to get away from the pressure.

A Month In; the Journey Thus Far

I'm quite happy with my internship so far. The first month was great! The second one will be busy, I can tell you that much already. Being busy can often mean more difficult as well just because of the sheer amount of tasks opens opportunity for much more mistakes and correction being needed. That's okay, though, I think; this is why I am on this internship, so I can make the mistake and learn from it.

I think the highlight of my first month is pretty obvious: branding calves. I knew I'd get put into a farm at some time during this internship, I just didn't know that I'd be doing what I did to those poor things. It was an experience of a life time, one that I probably wouldn't really want to do again. I'd be all for watching and hanging out with the people while they do it, but I don't think I really want to wrestle them and do the branding part.

Ministry-wise, I'm starting to take on more responsibility, and I'm glad that I get to do so. It's split pretty well down the middle between things that I want to do and things that will push me. I've been given the chance to be preaching next Sunday (June 30), so I should really start the actual prep work for my message.

Aside from those sorts of things, my days have been pretty chill over the last couple weeks. I'm really thankful that I got to go to Kau and Dorcas' wedding, too. Every time I go home, I learn something new about maturity and the whole idea of life moving forward. Life is so busy, that you don't need to be gone for a long time for people to learn to live without you. So, part of maturing and growing up for me has been to realize that the things that are important enough to me that I would go out of my way for are not necessarily reciprocated. People are all connected, and once one side of that connection starts to break up, it can be tough for the person on the other side. That's why I've really started to understand the importance of relationships being a full commitment between two different parties - at all levels, not just from one person to another. This lesson, is probably going to be one of the biggest things that I will need to remember when I go into ministry. The goal is for me to be completely committed to Christ and to the church, in hopes that the church can also be completely committed. Funny how the relationships I have with people are teaching me the things that I need to do or not do as I near the beginning of my working career.

Anyhow, that's about all I really have for now. I'm mostly doing quite well right now, but I do have to admit that there's still some loneliness and sorrow deep inside of me that I often cannot find an outlet for. I think most of it stems from a selfishness, or my desire to boost my ego, that I've always had in my life. So I know that they are just the things in me that I'm not strong in, and hope that these things can be fixed soon!

Happy longest day of the year!

Day In the Life Of

Technically, I've been here for almost a month. If you ask me, it's pretty crazy to believe. I'm still in that honeymoon phase of my internship, meaning I haven't really settled in or I haven't hit my first crisis yet.  I think it will happen pretty soon, though.

My days have mostly been pretty laidback so far. I was told that I'd just spend the first little while following the people around seeing what they do, and I don't mind it. Less responsibility makes for a happy me! However, once the end of June hits, I will be quite busy.

As of now, my days are quite awesome - hard to believe that this is what I do when I go to work. I would get to church around 9 in the morning. The three of us pastors like to pray first thing in the morning and just have a bit of a chat to get the day going. This might take up half an hour, it might take up a full hour. Then at 10, we do a coffee thing where if people from the community want to come in, we have coffee with them. If not, the three of us will have coffee ourselves. This can often go until lunch. If not, we'll end around 11:30 and have half an hour to do whatever.

When I decide to go for lunch, I usually just come home and make something. Let me just note now, that cooking for yourself has got to be one of the most tedious things ever, and I don't like doing it. And because I don't have the luxury to buy a million different foods to have a big variety, I've been eating mostly the same things every day.

After lunch, the day can become a little more diverse. If there is someone that I am to go visit, that usually happens in the afternoon. If not, I just hang around in church and kind of do whatever. Read, play guitar, etc., it's basically up to me or whatever I need to get ready for the weekend.

There's also no real set office hours for pastors, so when it gets late enough that work seems to be done, whether that's at 5 or whatever, then I'll head home to make supper! I've mostly had chicken... Sad that I've already spent $200 trying to fill the kitchen and all I can really cook for now is chicken and vegetables. I know that this will only happen for the first (and maybe second) month, so once I have most of my things, all I'm really left to buy is the actual food rather than all the spices and other things to make it. Not too bad, I guess. I'm still alive, so my food can't be that bad, right?

The rest of the evening I just kind of do whatever I normally do no matter where I am. So, this has basically been a day in my life here in Assiniboia thus far. Nothing real exciting, yet, but it's going to pick up real soon. Establishing routines are part of most jobs, but the joys of working with people is that there will always be variety and change to keep things exciting!

Doin' It Big

For anyone affiliated with the Alliance denomination in Canada in any way, I hope you read this post. I think this is honestly the first time that I am feeling incredibly positive and optimistic about where this denomination is heading. It's really rare for me to be this worked up about the church that I've been brought up in, so I think that by posting about it, it's at least worth looking at.

Here's why -

This past year, I've been given the tremendous privilege to be a part of and witness several changes in some vital leaderships throughout the Alliance circles.

First of all, David Hearn was elected the new president of the C&MA in Canada. I've been blessed to hear him speak four times now, and I only have amazing things to say about him and where he's leading the denomination. His personality is so contagious, and having heard his heart on the different occasions has me absolutely sold on what he's doing as president. If you don't know him but have an opportunity to hear him, I think that you absolutely need to jump on that chance and go listen. I almost never recommend things so strongly, but with him, I do. Also, I got to have lunch with him this past Sunday, so I've already connected with him. (Bahaha!)

Ambrose has also brought in a new president, Gordon Smith. He's an absolute visionary. I haven't heard him speak as many times, but he's right on par with where Dave is in where he wants to take the school and the denomination.

I've also been present at, heard of, or am aware of several other position changes in leadership throughout the districts that I've been part of. Two of them happened to be lead pastors resigning at the churches that I've attended. While it's saddening to see some incredible people step down from their positions, I think it's really lining up with where God is taking Alliance churches in Canada. EDIT: I guess I should've expanded on this a little bit. I think that having churches really desiring that their pastors are relational and empowering types of pastors now, it opens up the pathway for many of those who are (albeit quite rare) of that type to really take the church and spark the fire in its heart. Some of the pastors who have resigned did not have their strengths in that relational aspect, their strenghts were in something else, so that might be a reason to why such decisions were made. Either way, many churches now have an opportunity to really take off with the direction God is taking them.

I also really love that the focus is so emphasized on the person of Jesus. Christ is, after all, the very reason our faith exists. So, I know that I've been down on several churches over the past couple years; but now that I've been given the chance to be a part of so many of these changes and listening to where we want to be as a church, I am very excited. I can't say for certain that I know what exactly these changes will mean for the denomination, but it is going to be insanely exciting to be part of the movement of the church. Something is definitely brewing!

So please do not lose hope in the local church. I know many of us experienced some rougher times in the last while, but we are on the brink of something big. God's definitely going to be taking churches in Canada to a whole different level. We've often talked about a revival, something that's going to be seeping into our churches, through our lives and out into the neighborhoods, something that is going to fire us up and move us into action. Well, I think that if there ever is going to be a time that this is going to happen, it's going to be the next 5 to 10 years. God's placed some incredible people into leadership, and along with some of the things that are already happening in so many local churches, it's only going to get more exciting.

Again, I really don't get worked up over things like this very often, but I really feel this time that it is worth it.

The real deal.

Acclimatizing

The first couple weeks have been about adjusting to the city. The life I'm living here isn't all that different from the life I'd live if I was in Edmonton. It's only missing a few things and added a couple to my responsibilities list. Even though I enjoy living in Edmonton or Calgary, even Vancouver, I've quickly realized that my lifestyle is a pretty small community type of a lifestyle. That doesn't mean I want to stay in a small town, it just means my personality fits the culture quite well.

Getting used to the lack of traffic is one thing, getting used to the lack of chain restaurants and shopping outlets is on a whole different level. I don't mind lack of traffic; I just hope it doesn't affect how I drive when I get back to the city - meaning, I don't want to be scared of the pace.

A pastor's everyday life is also pretty different from several occupations. I will admit that for many days where I've sat in my office so far, I'm not really doing anything "pastor" related. I think part of that is because I don't have a whole lot of responsibilities yet, but I often find myself doing the same things as if I were at home sitting in front of my computer or with my guitar. So that's kind of neat. Along with that, there isn't really a set schedule, like a 9 to 5 type of thing, that I am supposed to be in the office. I've just kind of showed up to church, meet to pray briefly, then have coffee with people, and then go home for lunch. If there's people that I'm to visit in the afternoon, I'll do that. Other than that, I just kind of derp around reading or doing something less productive. So I definitely think that while I like what I'm doing now, I need to make an intentional effort to try to get ahead if I have nothing to do. Once I fall behind, it's good game.

Early tomorrow morning, and I mean early, at 7:30am actually, I will be heading out to really get acclimatized to this farming culture. I'm being taken out to do some branding on some calves. There is not even the slightest part in me that wants to go, but I feel it's something I really should do. It's terrorizing to think that I'd be out on a farm with a bunch of animals and we have to "brand" them. I hate getting dirty, but I also think that if I spend eight months here and don't even do some of the things people do here, it'd be a waste of an internship no matter how much I do in the church.

I'll probably already be grouchy for having to wake up so early, but I know it'll be quite horrifying when I get to the farm and see what they do to the animals. It's going to be a heck of an experience, so hopefully I come back without breaking anything or be bruised by one of the cattle. Let's hope I actually enjoy this, somewhat. Regardless of whether I do or don't, though, I'll get to experience first hand what some of the people do here.

For a brief update: I'll be out of town all week next week. From Monday to Wednesday, I'll be in Saskatoon for district conference. From there, I'll make my way home to Edmonton (yay!) for the wedding that takes place on Saturday! Finally, I'll make the long trip back down on the following Monday.

Happy June!

Aging Well

At this point in time last week, I was in Saskatoon eating lunch while on my way down here to Assiniboia. A week later, I haven't died of starvation yet! Actually, the times that I had been invited to go eat at someone's, I've been fed very well. In fact, on Thursday, I had what you may be able to constitute as three separate meals between lunch and supper.

To kind of recap my first week, there wasn't a whole lot of exciting things to talk about. I was given my time and space to settle in, which is really nice of the people here to allow me to do that. Taking off from where I last left off, there's a few things worth noting, I guess.

My Wednesday was spent just mostly at the church. Most of the time was just getting accustomed to everything around me and getting used to the office I was given and those kinds of things - like your typical first few days at a new desk job. I think I also played guitar and piano for upwards of two hours in total in the sanctuary; it was nice to brush up and be reminded of how much I had forgotten in how to play these instruments!

On Thursday, I spent the morning at church before making visits to two different homes in the afternoon before visiting the associate pastor's house for supper. This was where I had three separate meals at all the homes. I remember going home during lunch time (because I can) and not knowing what to eat for lunch. I had noodles that I could've cooked, but I have never really been someone that really has "lunch," if you know what I mean. So, while I was hungry, I had no idea what to eat. Good thing I ended up just having a couple pieces of toast.

So for both of the homes I made visits to, I think the average age of the owner and the friends/family they had over was probably 90. I am not joking. But it amazed me how much life these old folks have. They're still so lively in joking around, laughing, and doing things that not many people over the age of 80 or 90 can do. It gave me a breath of fresh air, so to speak! On top of that, there was so much food that they gave me to eat, it was pretty awesome. Even though it needs to change, I love it when I don't have to cook. But I know that having people taking me in for dinner will wear out soon, so I went out and bought like 50 bucks of groceries today - SO expensive. Hopefully it lasts me more than a week. Oh, there's also a lack of kitchen things in my house, so I find that kind of funny. Haha. There's no drying rack, so I never know what to do when I finish washing dishes. The worst part is that I went to a couple stores today and they didn't sell any! Maybe I'll make one myself.. if I know how.

Anywho, I've already taken on the task of running VBS this summer as the lady who was doing it is moving to BC. I'll also be playing for worship tomorrow. It always amazes me how the several churches I've attended or served at just kind of let me play on their worship teams without even having heard me play before. If I was at home, and someone came in as an intern or whatever, I'd be a little hesitant to ask him/her to play right away. I'd absolutely love having them do it after hearing them play or sing, but probably not right away. It's not that I'd doubt their skill, it's just more of a familiarity thing for the congregation with knowing the people on stage. Knowing the people on stage serving is huge in a solid worship service because it allows you to be more open and "vulnerable."

So, yeah, I think my highlight of the week was going to Jenny and Mike's home. They're so awesome for people in their 90s. Makes me have hope in that it's definitely possible to age well, especially given how it typically is in the city.

Back to derping away my Saturday! I also need a nap.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, they call me pastor Nathan.. Soooooo weird.