Hi! I'm in Coquitlam right now. Last night, my brother, sister, and I flew into Vancouver; and this is where we'll be situated for the rest of August.
It's crazy, but I haven't been in Vancouver, or seen my cousins, for any extended amount of time for four years! The last time I was in Vancouver for more than a day or two was in 2008, when I did my internship with UrbanPromise. Oddly enough, that was also when I started this blog. So basically, other than a couple weddings that I came down for, I haven't been in Vancouver ever since I started this little bad boy!
Anyway, my family will be spending the rest of our summer holidays here, partly to celebrate a big milestone for my mother. To be quite honest, I don't know if I'd be here if it wasn't for my mom's big birthday. I would probably still be working, doing AIA camps at Alberta Beach. However, I am here, and I'm very glad that I get to see this beautiful city again, on top of visiting my cousins.
It's going to be busy, so I hope I am not too tired at the end of this trip; I really need to have enough energy to start school! I really want to get off on a good step this year, so I'll need to be refreshed and ready to go!
That's about all, for now. I totally thought I had more to write, but this is it! Haha.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
August Rush - Musings Pt. 5
I don't think this will be a long blog in any way, shape, or form.
All I want to do is to thank SEAC for such an amazing week for my own personal life. I know that the week was, first and foremost, for the kids - and it should be that way. But now that it's over, and I'm back at home, I've realized what an incredible week it was for myself as well.
I don't think I've felt so refreshed, and have so much hope in me in a very long time. I honestly didn't really know what to expect going into the camp this week. I knew it would've at the very least began in a very awkward fashion for me. The biggest factors were that, 1) I'm going in as a coach, but I haven't been with this group at all this year, so it'd be strange to see what the dynamics were like; 2) Since I didn't know the group other than one coach, I'd feel more like a volunteer with more responsibilities than a coach, but being not from the church, I'd basically be an outsider.
And admittedly so, I was a bit timid at the beginning; but I did my best to cover it up. And I also have to say that it's so good to see some faces that I haven't seen in a year or so. I had a lot of fun coaching SEAC last year; so when I saw that more or less every volunteer was back, I was pretty stoked to see how the past year had affected who they were as people.
By the way, I am currently typing this on a Razer BlackWidow mechanical keyboard - I love it =D
Anyway, with just the way the week went, everything seemed to have turned out the best that it possibly could have. The kids were great, I fit in pretty well with the coaches, and it was just an all-around stellar week. I can't really put into words how much joy had filled me as I got to hang out with the kids and the volunteers. Some of the kids that returned from last year had taken some huge steps forward into becoming much more mature people; and that in itself put a huge smile on my face.
It was also really neat to see the same bunch of dorks that came back to volunteer. I really loved how much fun this group was. They made my job so easy, and I almost feel bad that I get paid to coach, and all they got were mosquito bites and tanned skin for their hard work.
It's just too bad that the amazing week will always have to feel too short. And now that it's over with, it's time to go back to life. And as always, there is sadness in leaving all the joy that I had throughout the week. The kids were great, the volunteers were stellar, and the weather was just perfect.
I am so glad that I left SEAC on a good note. I probably won't be back next year to do another camp; heck, I didn't even think I'd be there this year, but serendipity had allowed me another chance to leave something behind. I don't know how many times I'll be able to visit this church over the next few years; but I definitely feel like I have some unfinished business here.
The only thing is that I don't know if it'll ever be finished before the opportunity is gone. Circumstances just don't allow for things to go certain ways at times; so trying to reach for something that isn't attainable, or just isn't there, is probably not the best idea.
In search of incredible, I found heaven.
All I want to do is to thank SEAC for such an amazing week for my own personal life. I know that the week was, first and foremost, for the kids - and it should be that way. But now that it's over, and I'm back at home, I've realized what an incredible week it was for myself as well.
I don't think I've felt so refreshed, and have so much hope in me in a very long time. I honestly didn't really know what to expect going into the camp this week. I knew it would've at the very least began in a very awkward fashion for me. The biggest factors were that, 1) I'm going in as a coach, but I haven't been with this group at all this year, so it'd be strange to see what the dynamics were like; 2) Since I didn't know the group other than one coach, I'd feel more like a volunteer with more responsibilities than a coach, but being not from the church, I'd basically be an outsider.
And admittedly so, I was a bit timid at the beginning; but I did my best to cover it up. And I also have to say that it's so good to see some faces that I haven't seen in a year or so. I had a lot of fun coaching SEAC last year; so when I saw that more or less every volunteer was back, I was pretty stoked to see how the past year had affected who they were as people.
By the way, I am currently typing this on a Razer BlackWidow mechanical keyboard - I love it =D
Anyway, with just the way the week went, everything seemed to have turned out the best that it possibly could have. The kids were great, I fit in pretty well with the coaches, and it was just an all-around stellar week. I can't really put into words how much joy had filled me as I got to hang out with the kids and the volunteers. Some of the kids that returned from last year had taken some huge steps forward into becoming much more mature people; and that in itself put a huge smile on my face.
It was also really neat to see the same bunch of dorks that came back to volunteer. I really loved how much fun this group was. They made my job so easy, and I almost feel bad that I get paid to coach, and all they got were mosquito bites and tanned skin for their hard work.
It's just too bad that the amazing week will always have to feel too short. And now that it's over with, it's time to go back to life. And as always, there is sadness in leaving all the joy that I had throughout the week. The kids were great, the volunteers were stellar, and the weather was just perfect.
I am so glad that I left SEAC on a good note. I probably won't be back next year to do another camp; heck, I didn't even think I'd be there this year, but serendipity had allowed me another chance to leave something behind. I don't know how many times I'll be able to visit this church over the next few years; but I definitely feel like I have some unfinished business here.
The only thing is that I don't know if it'll ever be finished before the opportunity is gone. Circumstances just don't allow for things to go certain ways at times; so trying to reach for something that isn't attainable, or just isn't there, is probably not the best idea.
In search of incredible, I found heaven.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
August Rush - Musings Pt. 4
My week(ish) of going crazy over what I currently feel about NEAC has come and gone, it seems. So that probably explains the break in my streak of blogging consecutive days. However, that doesn't really mean that I stop thinking. Haha. That sounds kind of funny.
I really enjoyed a week off to just watch the Olympics and stay at home for a little bit. Since Monday, I've been coaching soccer camps at SEAC. I think I can honestly say that even though it's a bit strange for me to kind of just hop onto a team that's been together for a month and a half, it's been my most enjoyable week of soccer camps since Athabasca of last year.
It's so great to reconnect with some of the people at this church, and I always marvel at how, even though I don't live in Edmonton anymore, this community has always been down here while I still attended church up north. I'll admit that my past experiences with SEAC haven't been the best; but I really do believe they have a very strong community here - a community much stronger and healthier than NEAC.
On Monday night, I had the privilege to play in a rec league game for SEAC. It was a bit awkward because apparently they have two teams, and one of the teams that was supposed to play in the north side got cancelled; so they showed up at the second team's game, the one I was at, and there were about 25 people, not including the 4 AIA coaches. So I felt really bad playing, and I only played one shift of about 10 minutes. At first thought, I wanted to think that these SEAC people are really good at soccer. Admittedly so, I didn't pay too much attention to them in the game because I was fooling around on the side.
But after their rec game, the 25 or so people decided to play another game for fun. And it was then that I was able to actually get some soccer in. While their skill level is not top tier, most of the people can run; and they have a few players that are really good! So I loved that I got to match myself up to see how I compared to their best guys. And to my surprise, I think I did pretty well! I wasn't going all out, but I tried hard enough to know that I can keep up with other people.
I did the whole "skill comparing" thing because I realized that in the last few years, the only soccer I've really played was with my own church. And while that's not a problem, I didn't really have benchmarks to see if I was actually any good or not. So again, I have to insert the whole conclusion about how, in terms of skill, I'm pretty good, but because of my conditioning, I can't do squat! Haha.
On a different note, I'll go back to just venting out a bit of what's been on my mind.
I know that everyone longs for things. I've longed for things all my life. In fact, I think that my desires are so strong, that if they were anywhere close to average, I'd be a failure in life - an actual failure. My drive for certain things is about the only thing I can really credit any accomplishment I have in my life.
But the thing is that it's so weird how sometimes you can be longing for something so much, but feeling so hopeless about it. If it were something related to music, or soccer, or whatever, I'd have no issues dealing with it. If I wanted to learn a song or learn a new trick, I'd practice until I could do it, and do it well. But then there's other random things that I want so badly, but then when it comes for a time to man up, I just basically go "no way." And then I'll go on to come up with the stupidest excuses, be all depressed about it, and blah blah blah.
If I had to pinpoint this to something, I guess I'd have to say that it's all in experience. If I have no experience in something, I'll be so hesitant to get started.
And I'm the kind of guy to just ignore the fact that I am a total chicken when it comes to doing things that I am not comfortable doing; so it'll remain like this for a very long time.
Oh well.
I really enjoyed a week off to just watch the Olympics and stay at home for a little bit. Since Monday, I've been coaching soccer camps at SEAC. I think I can honestly say that even though it's a bit strange for me to kind of just hop onto a team that's been together for a month and a half, it's been my most enjoyable week of soccer camps since Athabasca of last year.
It's so great to reconnect with some of the people at this church, and I always marvel at how, even though I don't live in Edmonton anymore, this community has always been down here while I still attended church up north. I'll admit that my past experiences with SEAC haven't been the best; but I really do believe they have a very strong community here - a community much stronger and healthier than NEAC.
On Monday night, I had the privilege to play in a rec league game for SEAC. It was a bit awkward because apparently they have two teams, and one of the teams that was supposed to play in the north side got cancelled; so they showed up at the second team's game, the one I was at, and there were about 25 people, not including the 4 AIA coaches. So I felt really bad playing, and I only played one shift of about 10 minutes. At first thought, I wanted to think that these SEAC people are really good at soccer. Admittedly so, I didn't pay too much attention to them in the game because I was fooling around on the side.
But after their rec game, the 25 or so people decided to play another game for fun. And it was then that I was able to actually get some soccer in. While their skill level is not top tier, most of the people can run; and they have a few players that are really good! So I loved that I got to match myself up to see how I compared to their best guys. And to my surprise, I think I did pretty well! I wasn't going all out, but I tried hard enough to know that I can keep up with other people.
I did the whole "skill comparing" thing because I realized that in the last few years, the only soccer I've really played was with my own church. And while that's not a problem, I didn't really have benchmarks to see if I was actually any good or not. So again, I have to insert the whole conclusion about how, in terms of skill, I'm pretty good, but because of my conditioning, I can't do squat! Haha.
On a different note, I'll go back to just venting out a bit of what's been on my mind.
I know that everyone longs for things. I've longed for things all my life. In fact, I think that my desires are so strong, that if they were anywhere close to average, I'd be a failure in life - an actual failure. My drive for certain things is about the only thing I can really credit any accomplishment I have in my life.
But the thing is that it's so weird how sometimes you can be longing for something so much, but feeling so hopeless about it. If it were something related to music, or soccer, or whatever, I'd have no issues dealing with it. If I wanted to learn a song or learn a new trick, I'd practice until I could do it, and do it well. But then there's other random things that I want so badly, but then when it comes for a time to man up, I just basically go "no way." And then I'll go on to come up with the stupidest excuses, be all depressed about it, and blah blah blah.
If I had to pinpoint this to something, I guess I'd have to say that it's all in experience. If I have no experience in something, I'll be so hesitant to get started.
And I'm the kind of guy to just ignore the fact that I am a total chicken when it comes to doing things that I am not comfortable doing; so it'll remain like this for a very long time.
Oh well.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
August Rush - Musings Pt. 3
I think I need to mention that, while everything seems really depressing and crappy, it's not really that at all. In my opinion, the great things in life are the ones that are really tough to put into words, tough to describe. From what I've experienced in my time, most positive happenings are often the ones that leave people speechless; whereas on the contrary, when you mention something that draws a negative response, people can ramble on and on about them.
In that case, this is partly why I've been writing the things that I have. My life is fantastic. And I'm someone that has such high standards, that I'll pry open every weakness and every minor detail in order to get to where I think things need to go. I really do think that a large majority of people are just content with 'okay'. There is nothing wrong with just getting by or just being okay, it's a Gen Y thing. People are encouraged to live life to the fullest because we don't really have much time to be worrying about all the things we can't control - I am a believer in this as well.
And so, that is why a lot of these things I'm writing do seem pretty negative. I'm really just getting to the core of how everything works and trying to improve and get better. Perfection is unattainable on earth, but excellence is.
This one will be worth the read.
-= Part 3 =- The Good and The Bad
First of all, I have to mention that I am very proud to have grown up in NEAC. This church has largely made me into the person that I am today. I'm very grateful for all the people I've met, all the opportunities I've had, and all the experiences I've been fortunate enough to see.
A lot of people in this church are incredibly gifted in all areas of life. If I kind of geographically sort out all the people I've met and know, there are many that are fantastic at certain tasks. Few are good at many things. The people who are just amazing at everything are rather spread out all over the place. In NEAC, I would definitely label multiple people in that "multi-talented" category.
Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on how you look at it), God is a very fair god. A lot of people that are really good at life will find that needing to try at something is rare. I am someone that is a prime example of this; and because I am, I'll use myself as an example.
I'm not world class in any one task/skill, nor do I have any world class traits as a person. But God's given me the ability to learn, and be driven to learn. As a result, I can do anything I set my mind to. So just by looking at my life, the only reason I'm known to be a good musician or a semi-decent soccer player is because I've spent a lot of time refining my abilities and honing my skills. There's a ton of other things where I may have tried it, got okay at it, but just didn't really feel for it, so I dumped it.
This is the number one problem I see with NEAC. We have a lot of skills at the church, but people just don't give a damn; and the ones that do, they're forced to do everything. It just doesn't work like that. So when the pastor comes up one Sunday morning to preach the guilt trip sermon into getting people to serve, they do it begrudgingly and out of obligation. There's no heart in that, so that's why it never lasts.
There's also people I know in NEAC that may not be as skilled, but they have all the heart and all the willingness to serve. But because there's a rift, a lot of the people that do have the ability will look at these select few and laugh at them for their silliness.
I've already written quite a bit, and I feel that I spent way too much time talking about things that we already know. So I guess I'll move on.
Here's the part where I feel like I could get in trouble for saying. When you look at any organization in the world, whether the church or some huge corporate company, the biggest and usually the main reason for why it succeeds is because of the people up top - the big guns, so to speak. So I'm not sure how much more I have to say for you to see where I'm going to be going with this.
I know at least one person who is currently in the leadership of the church that thinks the same things I do about our church. I now know that this person, a few years ago, pushed for things to go in a certain direction, but it never worked out. So when I look at it now, it's almost never going to happen.
If we just analyze the current state of our church, it's quite plain to see. As of now, our Cantonese congregation is by far the largest group in our church. They probably make up two-thirds of the population. The English side is the smaller side, and there are the kids. On first look, you'd put most of the resources in developing the Cantonese ministry just based on its size.
And when you look at the demographics, you'll see that much of the Cantonese side is aging. This is to be expected because most of these Cantonese speaking members are the parents and grandparents of the English congregation's members. So as progression naturally happens, you would think that there should be a passing of the torch at some point in time, where the English side will eventually yield the leaders of the church.
So depending on who the people among leadership are, some may want to focus on the now, while others will want to invest in where the church is going to be. I think it's always smart to do everything possible to ensure that you get where you should go properly. While others may disagree, which is totally fine, it's hard to argue because it just makes no sense to satisfy the now and then have those in the future correct all the stupid mistakes you made with little or no help at all.
Therefore, if I was in a position, I would do everything in my power to make sure that most of the resources are invested into the English congregation here at NEAC. It's a growing congregation that will eventually be the one that leads this church. The simple notion of having elder board meetings done in English instead of Cantonese is a way of seeing that transition already taking place.
But wait, here's where it gets tricky. Already having mentioned that the English congregation is the one thats on the rise and growing, I have another question. Is it really growing? In what ways? Quantity? Quality? I don't see any of it. What I see is a congregation stuck in a rut, becoming stale and complacent. There's no desire for this congregation to go anywhere. We're fine with being content. We don't care about making our church a better place. Okay, so we're definitely not getting stronger spiritually, how about in numbers? I'd actually argue that we're shrinking.
If you think everything I say is a load of crap, think twice on what I'm about to ask. Have you noticed that we've lost some of our members recently? Do you even know who they are and why they left? I'm not talking about people that usually only came once in a while and then decided to leave; I'm talking about ones that have grown up in the church, ones that have helped in a ton of different ministries. Yeah, those people are leaving. Leaving the church? Leaving Christianity? I don't know. Why don't you find out?
Holy crap, that makes me so mad. And before I throw myself into the guilty corner of not caring for our people enough, I have to make a couple claims. NEAC is not the church I attend most anymore. So every time I've been back, I've been a visitor, a spectator, a guest. And you know what? I wouldn't want to stay here either based on what I'm seeing now.
Having come back during certain times over the last two years, I've seen attempts at being different, attempts at going back to the way things used to be done, attempts at trying to make something work. It just ain't happening so far. Because all we're doing is that we're over complicating everything making it a blurry mess. Simplicity is often the key to creating a harmonious worship; and isn't that what we strive for? Something that's easy, simple, and works efficiently and effectively. Why do we have to go through all the trouble of trying to come up with all these different ways to please and attract people? Did Jesus ever do that?
Going into more details about is going to take up much more time, so I'm either going to have to leave the rest of it out or talk about it a different time: on people leaving, and how our worship works etc.
Again, and unfortunately, it's easy to blame the people high up; but you really have to look there and look to them to be guiding appropriately. It's not a quick and easy fix. In fact, I want to say that it's not something that's just fixable; it needs an overhaul. Keep your core, throw out the rest. I'm not suggesting NEAC should do that, but in order to become a church for Christ, it needs to be considered as a legit option.
What we lack and need is something fresh, some pop. Rather than hiring and putting your own congregational members into positions of leadership, find something new. Find something fresh that will come in and spark the people of the church. It's happened once within the last decade, and it can happen again. It's proven to work, so why do we have to keep with the same old rather than bring in what is truly needed?
So, I hope that this sheds a little light on what I originally said could be disastrous for the church. And it still can be, if not addressed properly. These are the sorts of things that not only split churches, but blow them up as well.
If only it were that easy. The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.
In that case, this is partly why I've been writing the things that I have. My life is fantastic. And I'm someone that has such high standards, that I'll pry open every weakness and every minor detail in order to get to where I think things need to go. I really do think that a large majority of people are just content with 'okay'. There is nothing wrong with just getting by or just being okay, it's a Gen Y thing. People are encouraged to live life to the fullest because we don't really have much time to be worrying about all the things we can't control - I am a believer in this as well.
And so, that is why a lot of these things I'm writing do seem pretty negative. I'm really just getting to the core of how everything works and trying to improve and get better. Perfection is unattainable on earth, but excellence is.
This one will be worth the read.
-= Part 3 =- The Good and The Bad
First of all, I have to mention that I am very proud to have grown up in NEAC. This church has largely made me into the person that I am today. I'm very grateful for all the people I've met, all the opportunities I've had, and all the experiences I've been fortunate enough to see.
A lot of people in this church are incredibly gifted in all areas of life. If I kind of geographically sort out all the people I've met and know, there are many that are fantastic at certain tasks. Few are good at many things. The people who are just amazing at everything are rather spread out all over the place. In NEAC, I would definitely label multiple people in that "multi-talented" category.
Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on how you look at it), God is a very fair god. A lot of people that are really good at life will find that needing to try at something is rare. I am someone that is a prime example of this; and because I am, I'll use myself as an example.
I'm not world class in any one task/skill, nor do I have any world class traits as a person. But God's given me the ability to learn, and be driven to learn. As a result, I can do anything I set my mind to. So just by looking at my life, the only reason I'm known to be a good musician or a semi-decent soccer player is because I've spent a lot of time refining my abilities and honing my skills. There's a ton of other things where I may have tried it, got okay at it, but just didn't really feel for it, so I dumped it.
This is the number one problem I see with NEAC. We have a lot of skills at the church, but people just don't give a damn; and the ones that do, they're forced to do everything. It just doesn't work like that. So when the pastor comes up one Sunday morning to preach the guilt trip sermon into getting people to serve, they do it begrudgingly and out of obligation. There's no heart in that, so that's why it never lasts.
There's also people I know in NEAC that may not be as skilled, but they have all the heart and all the willingness to serve. But because there's a rift, a lot of the people that do have the ability will look at these select few and laugh at them for their silliness.
I've already written quite a bit, and I feel that I spent way too much time talking about things that we already know. So I guess I'll move on.
Here's the part where I feel like I could get in trouble for saying. When you look at any organization in the world, whether the church or some huge corporate company, the biggest and usually the main reason for why it succeeds is because of the people up top - the big guns, so to speak. So I'm not sure how much more I have to say for you to see where I'm going to be going with this.
I know at least one person who is currently in the leadership of the church that thinks the same things I do about our church. I now know that this person, a few years ago, pushed for things to go in a certain direction, but it never worked out. So when I look at it now, it's almost never going to happen.
If we just analyze the current state of our church, it's quite plain to see. As of now, our Cantonese congregation is by far the largest group in our church. They probably make up two-thirds of the population. The English side is the smaller side, and there are the kids. On first look, you'd put most of the resources in developing the Cantonese ministry just based on its size.
And when you look at the demographics, you'll see that much of the Cantonese side is aging. This is to be expected because most of these Cantonese speaking members are the parents and grandparents of the English congregation's members. So as progression naturally happens, you would think that there should be a passing of the torch at some point in time, where the English side will eventually yield the leaders of the church.
So depending on who the people among leadership are, some may want to focus on the now, while others will want to invest in where the church is going to be. I think it's always smart to do everything possible to ensure that you get where you should go properly. While others may disagree, which is totally fine, it's hard to argue because it just makes no sense to satisfy the now and then have those in the future correct all the stupid mistakes you made with little or no help at all.
Therefore, if I was in a position, I would do everything in my power to make sure that most of the resources are invested into the English congregation here at NEAC. It's a growing congregation that will eventually be the one that leads this church. The simple notion of having elder board meetings done in English instead of Cantonese is a way of seeing that transition already taking place.
But wait, here's where it gets tricky. Already having mentioned that the English congregation is the one thats on the rise and growing, I have another question. Is it really growing? In what ways? Quantity? Quality? I don't see any of it. What I see is a congregation stuck in a rut, becoming stale and complacent. There's no desire for this congregation to go anywhere. We're fine with being content. We don't care about making our church a better place. Okay, so we're definitely not getting stronger spiritually, how about in numbers? I'd actually argue that we're shrinking.
If you think everything I say is a load of crap, think twice on what I'm about to ask. Have you noticed that we've lost some of our members recently? Do you even know who they are and why they left? I'm not talking about people that usually only came once in a while and then decided to leave; I'm talking about ones that have grown up in the church, ones that have helped in a ton of different ministries. Yeah, those people are leaving. Leaving the church? Leaving Christianity? I don't know. Why don't you find out?
Holy crap, that makes me so mad. And before I throw myself into the guilty corner of not caring for our people enough, I have to make a couple claims. NEAC is not the church I attend most anymore. So every time I've been back, I've been a visitor, a spectator, a guest. And you know what? I wouldn't want to stay here either based on what I'm seeing now.
Having come back during certain times over the last two years, I've seen attempts at being different, attempts at going back to the way things used to be done, attempts at trying to make something work. It just ain't happening so far. Because all we're doing is that we're over complicating everything making it a blurry mess. Simplicity is often the key to creating a harmonious worship; and isn't that what we strive for? Something that's easy, simple, and works efficiently and effectively. Why do we have to go through all the trouble of trying to come up with all these different ways to please and attract people? Did Jesus ever do that?
Going into more details about is going to take up much more time, so I'm either going to have to leave the rest of it out or talk about it a different time: on people leaving, and how our worship works etc.
Again, and unfortunately, it's easy to blame the people high up; but you really have to look there and look to them to be guiding appropriately. It's not a quick and easy fix. In fact, I want to say that it's not something that's just fixable; it needs an overhaul. Keep your core, throw out the rest. I'm not suggesting NEAC should do that, but in order to become a church for Christ, it needs to be considered as a legit option.
What we lack and need is something fresh, some pop. Rather than hiring and putting your own congregational members into positions of leadership, find something new. Find something fresh that will come in and spark the people of the church. It's happened once within the last decade, and it can happen again. It's proven to work, so why do we have to keep with the same old rather than bring in what is truly needed?
So, I hope that this sheds a little light on what I originally said could be disastrous for the church. And it still can be, if not addressed properly. These are the sorts of things that not only split churches, but blow them up as well.
If only it were that easy. The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
August Rush - Musings Pt. 2
Like I said in yesterday's post, I'll continue to write about pretty much whatever has been on my mind over the last several months. I think I'm leaning more toward a really sensitive topic for today, especially with what I've been thinking about. So I guess that if anyone happens to read this, please know that it is never my intention to single anyone out, as much as it may seem like in some parts. I'm just giving a general view of the way I see things. And I am well aware that the picture I'll be painting may sour your view on me, or on other things; and I'm okay with that. Of course, I want people to form their own opinions and views, so if I'm able to guide that along, then so be it.
-= Part 2 =- NEAC and Church-Life
During my down time throughout the school year, there were a lot of times that I really did not want to go to church. I just had zero desire to be there, and it was tough to still try to serve and attend without looking like a depressed child.
Carrying over from two years ago, from when I first moved out, I had always looked forward to coming back to NEAC because this is my home church - the church I grew up in, and the one I have made way too many connections in. If my memory is at all accurate, the first couple times back felt a little strange and surreal. I had to intentionally remind myself that I've been gone, so it was very likely for things to change. To my surprise, each time I left, I felt that it's still felt the same from before I left.
However, for each time that I came back, it got less and less awkward for me. But on the other hand, both myself and everyone else just kind of accepted that I'm the guy that's moved out and is back to visit for a weekend or whatever.
I do have to admit that I have always had a bit of an ego. I mean, who doesn't, but I know that mine has brought out the worst side of me before, and it's likely it'll happen again. But I am one of those people that know I'm gifted in a lot of things. It's really hard to not be high on yourself and have high standards. If you're like me, then you'll know exactly what I mean. So with that being said, I'm going to speak very highly of myself for a while; but I'm doing it so I can make a point or two later on.
When you look at NEAC, from its existence up until this point, there's only been a few people that have been so involved in the growth of the church. My parents are one of them. So being a child of a couple that's been with this church since the beginning, I naturally take after them as I grow older. So I've seen, as I grew up, all the stages of development and all the people that have come through our church - and I'm very happy to say that I've had the privilege to share this "growing up" with several other people too.
So, even as I was still in much of the kids programs and all that stuff, I'd still been involved with leadership and all that stuff. Much of it was involuntary, only some where I willingly stepped up and said I want to help. Regardless of how I ended up in such positions, I've been blessed to see everything: all that works and all that doesn't work.
And when I got older, my involvement went from just doing random things here and there to a more stable and structured things like doing worship, or being an AWANA game director. And I'm sure that when you mention my name, the first response of any sort of influence I've had will definitely be in the worship side of things.
I'm okay with being seen as that guy. With a lot of help and guidance, I do think that I've had a huge hand in making our worship the way it is today, up until I left. I was talking to someone close to me about worship one day, and the person pointed out that a large portion of the songs we sing now were introduced by me. I never really thought of that, but when it was pointed out to me, I realized that there is some truth to it. I'm not going to go out of my way to take credit for all the music and whatever, but it adds to reinforce to me, personally, things that I've always told myself that I need to do in life. Whether it was something silly or something serious, I always wanted to be able to do the little things that no one will remember or care to notice, but in the long run have an effect, whether big or subtle, on the way people live.
On top of what our worship looks like today, I've seen other things that have sprouted from small seeds over a span of time to remind me of a time when I did something. Whether the person credits himself/herself for their behavior or another person, knowing that I may have had a role in it, it helps me know that my goals are being accomplished.
I'm going to use an example, even though it may definitely seem like I'm putting someone on the spot. Years ago, when we had a kids' soccer team, I took huge pride in being one of the leaders on the team. Seeing as I was a little older and a little more coordinated with my feet, I really wanted to step up. There was one summer where we had our annual game against the fathers. As the game started, the dad playing in net was unfamiliar with the rules of soccer. So when he caught the ball, he thought he had to put it on the ground to kick it. I'd been watching him a couple times. On a third time where he went to put the ground on the ball and step back to kick it, I ran up to kick the ball into the net because the ball was still a live ball. After that, he only put the ball on the ground if it had originally went out of bounds.
Now here's where it gets sketchy. Because whether this occurrence happened again elsewhere or not, I had this exact same scenario told to me in a conversation I had. Except the only difference was that the individual I was talking to was the one that did what I had done.
So what am I saying? The soccer story and my influence on church worship has been ways of telling me that I CAN make a difference. I've always been someone of low self esteem, even with the ego. So I know that even though I'm gone, I've left my mark in NEAC.
The trouble now, is that since I'm gone, I have to accept the fact that my influence or my presence will eventually fade away. And I'm already beginning to see that - especially this summer.
It saddens me that I've begun to realize that there are some people, where I used to be relatively good friends with, that I just don't talk to anymore. Something big coming up in his/her life? Not only do I not get to be there to support in any way, I don't even get to know anything about it. Being away, life progresses, and I don't get to be there during the process. So when I come back, I try so hard to fit in again; but it just doesn't work.
Like I said yesterday, the happiness is just a mask. I do my best to feel welcome and feel at home with this church, but it's so obvious that my time is up. Everyone's fine with me not being there, and I have to accept that. Not like I'm the center of the universe, but that's how you're made to feel as your circle of networking begins to diminish. And so I've just begun telling myself that I need to do my best to be okay with the position I am in. I don't really have much influence in the church anymore, so I need to take a step back and just let the current leaders handle it. Trust that God will do something good, and watch it blossom.
With everything being said, I've taken up the chance to really observe how far the church has come over the last couple of months. I don't know if it's my pastoral training or whatever, but I'm seeing some really unfortunate things in our church. I can guarantee that a lot of these are well known issues, but I really feel like these issues have something that is even deeper that has potential to completely cause the church to die out.
I'm not going to lie, as much as I don't want it to happen, and I don't know if the chances are even remotely at a level where it can take effect, but there is definitely something boiling underneath that can cause a lot of permanent damage and destroy relationships and lives.
These issues are so severe and serious that there is no way I'm going to discuss them on a blog where everyone can see it. But I think that after seeing how long this post is, I'm going to wait until next time, maybe tomorrow, to talk about some of the things that I feel need to be addressed with my home church.
I'll be the first to admit that I haven't done anything to help the cause. And given the circumstances, I really don't know if there's anything I can do.
-= Part 2 =- NEAC and Church-Life
During my down time throughout the school year, there were a lot of times that I really did not want to go to church. I just had zero desire to be there, and it was tough to still try to serve and attend without looking like a depressed child.
Carrying over from two years ago, from when I first moved out, I had always looked forward to coming back to NEAC because this is my home church - the church I grew up in, and the one I have made way too many connections in. If my memory is at all accurate, the first couple times back felt a little strange and surreal. I had to intentionally remind myself that I've been gone, so it was very likely for things to change. To my surprise, each time I left, I felt that it's still felt the same from before I left.
However, for each time that I came back, it got less and less awkward for me. But on the other hand, both myself and everyone else just kind of accepted that I'm the guy that's moved out and is back to visit for a weekend or whatever.
I do have to admit that I have always had a bit of an ego. I mean, who doesn't, but I know that mine has brought out the worst side of me before, and it's likely it'll happen again. But I am one of those people that know I'm gifted in a lot of things. It's really hard to not be high on yourself and have high standards. If you're like me, then you'll know exactly what I mean. So with that being said, I'm going to speak very highly of myself for a while; but I'm doing it so I can make a point or two later on.
When you look at NEAC, from its existence up until this point, there's only been a few people that have been so involved in the growth of the church. My parents are one of them. So being a child of a couple that's been with this church since the beginning, I naturally take after them as I grow older. So I've seen, as I grew up, all the stages of development and all the people that have come through our church - and I'm very happy to say that I've had the privilege to share this "growing up" with several other people too.
So, even as I was still in much of the kids programs and all that stuff, I'd still been involved with leadership and all that stuff. Much of it was involuntary, only some where I willingly stepped up and said I want to help. Regardless of how I ended up in such positions, I've been blessed to see everything: all that works and all that doesn't work.
And when I got older, my involvement went from just doing random things here and there to a more stable and structured things like doing worship, or being an AWANA game director. And I'm sure that when you mention my name, the first response of any sort of influence I've had will definitely be in the worship side of things.
I'm okay with being seen as that guy. With a lot of help and guidance, I do think that I've had a huge hand in making our worship the way it is today, up until I left. I was talking to someone close to me about worship one day, and the person pointed out that a large portion of the songs we sing now were introduced by me. I never really thought of that, but when it was pointed out to me, I realized that there is some truth to it. I'm not going to go out of my way to take credit for all the music and whatever, but it adds to reinforce to me, personally, things that I've always told myself that I need to do in life. Whether it was something silly or something serious, I always wanted to be able to do the little things that no one will remember or care to notice, but in the long run have an effect, whether big or subtle, on the way people live.
On top of what our worship looks like today, I've seen other things that have sprouted from small seeds over a span of time to remind me of a time when I did something. Whether the person credits himself/herself for their behavior or another person, knowing that I may have had a role in it, it helps me know that my goals are being accomplished.
I'm going to use an example, even though it may definitely seem like I'm putting someone on the spot. Years ago, when we had a kids' soccer team, I took huge pride in being one of the leaders on the team. Seeing as I was a little older and a little more coordinated with my feet, I really wanted to step up. There was one summer where we had our annual game against the fathers. As the game started, the dad playing in net was unfamiliar with the rules of soccer. So when he caught the ball, he thought he had to put it on the ground to kick it. I'd been watching him a couple times. On a third time where he went to put the ground on the ball and step back to kick it, I ran up to kick the ball into the net because the ball was still a live ball. After that, he only put the ball on the ground if it had originally went out of bounds.
Now here's where it gets sketchy. Because whether this occurrence happened again elsewhere or not, I had this exact same scenario told to me in a conversation I had. Except the only difference was that the individual I was talking to was the one that did what I had done.
So what am I saying? The soccer story and my influence on church worship has been ways of telling me that I CAN make a difference. I've always been someone of low self esteem, even with the ego. So I know that even though I'm gone, I've left my mark in NEAC.
The trouble now, is that since I'm gone, I have to accept the fact that my influence or my presence will eventually fade away. And I'm already beginning to see that - especially this summer.
It saddens me that I've begun to realize that there are some people, where I used to be relatively good friends with, that I just don't talk to anymore. Something big coming up in his/her life? Not only do I not get to be there to support in any way, I don't even get to know anything about it. Being away, life progresses, and I don't get to be there during the process. So when I come back, I try so hard to fit in again; but it just doesn't work.
Like I said yesterday, the happiness is just a mask. I do my best to feel welcome and feel at home with this church, but it's so obvious that my time is up. Everyone's fine with me not being there, and I have to accept that. Not like I'm the center of the universe, but that's how you're made to feel as your circle of networking begins to diminish. And so I've just begun telling myself that I need to do my best to be okay with the position I am in. I don't really have much influence in the church anymore, so I need to take a step back and just let the current leaders handle it. Trust that God will do something good, and watch it blossom.
With everything being said, I've taken up the chance to really observe how far the church has come over the last couple of months. I don't know if it's my pastoral training or whatever, but I'm seeing some really unfortunate things in our church. I can guarantee that a lot of these are well known issues, but I really feel like these issues have something that is even deeper that has potential to completely cause the church to die out.
I'm not going to lie, as much as I don't want it to happen, and I don't know if the chances are even remotely at a level where it can take effect, but there is definitely something boiling underneath that can cause a lot of permanent damage and destroy relationships and lives.
These issues are so severe and serious that there is no way I'm going to discuss them on a blog where everyone can see it. But I think that after seeing how long this post is, I'm going to wait until next time, maybe tomorrow, to talk about some of the things that I feel need to be addressed with my home church.
I'll be the first to admit that I haven't done anything to help the cause. And given the circumstances, I really don't know if there's anything I can do.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
August Rush - Musings Pt. 1
I'm not too sure that anyone reads this blog anymore, so I'm going to take advantage of it a little bit and spend a few nights this month just releasing everything that's going on in my brain. I have the privilege and blessing of being able to call many people my friends and talk to them about a lot of things, but there always seems to be a bit that is always undisclosed. So I'm going to use that opportunity here.
I probably also have to warn anyone that does come across this little series that I'm calling "August Rush" (because I'm cheesy like that), that there may be a lot of unrefined thoughts and stuff that I haven't really thought through well enough; so please excuse some of my skewed judgment.
-= Part 1 =- My Summer + Randoms
Some people may have seen the effects that this year had on me. Being uncomfortable for much of the year in almost all aspects of life, I knew it was going to be tough the day I moved into res. I really don't like living in community, but I know that I have to. I'd spent most of my time in my own room and only leaving to go outside when I wanted to eat or go do something with the friends I'd made on my floor. Throughout the year, I really didn't have any desire to do anything. My practicum sucked, my personal life sucked, school sucked, etc.
So when my year ended, and I remember the drive home I had during Christmas and in April, when I saw the "Welcome to Edmonton" sign, I have never felt such huge burdens lifted off of my shoulder. I was so homesick that the picture my head painted of heaven was back here in Edmonton. Familiarity.
And since the summer started, I'd also been blessed with a job opportunity to work at a golf course. I thought that it'd be a neat idea because I've never seen this side of working before. All you get is the stuff in retail or in the food industry for summer jobs. I've written a few blog posts about how I've felt about my job at Legends, so I'm not going to say anymore. Although I do have to say that now that I'm finished working there, I am really happy. That type of work just gets too tedious for me to enjoy.
Continuing to be transparent, I've been really happy to be home this summer. There's been many moments where I caught myself thinking that this is basically what heaven will look like to me: getting to hang out with my favorite people every day just doing the things that we love, and not having a care in the world about anything else.
But then, I started to realize that this "happiness" was just a mask for all the problems that I currently have in life. Since about mid-November of 2011, I have never been so down in terms of spiritually, emotionally, physically, and whatever else you can throw in here. I can say quite confidently that I still haven't fully recovered. In case you missed it, I basically was on the verge of giving up Christianity. It's ironic to think that a Bible college student would do that. Again, I will never deny God's existence; I just get fed up with the story that God's written and that I have to play a part in it - to be vague.
Even today, I still have small thoughts of hopelessness and just the desire to give everything up. I'm at a stage where my thoughts mirror a lot of what Ecclesiastes says, about how everything is meaningless.
One thing that I definitely did value about being in Calgary was the chance to have really deep talks with people. I don't really get that at home in Edmonton, whether it's because I just don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about those things or I just don't have anyone to talk to.
I think it's been really evident in how my school year has affect the way I behave around people back home. I'm a ton more cynical, more pessimistic, bitter, and just being at a dangerous level of apathy towards a lot of things. I have pissed a lot of people off because I have no patience in dealing with them, or just generally say things that aren't very pleasant. My frustration shows so easily - in soccer, in church, at myself especially.
My biggest highlight was definitely summer camp. Although I wouldn't label it a highlight as in a spiritual or emotional high; but rather just the liberty for me to do what I love (like I mentioned above with the heaven statement). It was so nice to forget everything this poor world was going through and just hang out with friends. I got to lead worship, but that was just an exclamation mark.
And now, being a few days into August, I've officially ended my job at Legends; and I'm going to have a week here to chill at home before I spend a week coaching soccer. Then I'll be heading to Vancouver for a couple weeks and then come right back and head down to Calgary.
I have to admit that, although most people get the back to school jitters, mine feel a bit different than they used to. I don't even know how to explain it, because I don't even know what it is I'm feeling. But one thing I do know that this upcoming year is going to be a huge year for me. If I don't regain some stepping ground, I'm going to be in trouble heading into my internship and final year.
But anyway, my train of thought is fading. I had so much I wanted to write about, and I still have a lot I want to write about. But I think I'll cap off the first part here; and maybe I'll write again tomorrow.
Thanks for reading - it means a lot to me.
I probably also have to warn anyone that does come across this little series that I'm calling "August Rush" (because I'm cheesy like that), that there may be a lot of unrefined thoughts and stuff that I haven't really thought through well enough; so please excuse some of my skewed judgment.
-= Part 1 =- My Summer + Randoms
Some people may have seen the effects that this year had on me. Being uncomfortable for much of the year in almost all aspects of life, I knew it was going to be tough the day I moved into res. I really don't like living in community, but I know that I have to. I'd spent most of my time in my own room and only leaving to go outside when I wanted to eat or go do something with the friends I'd made on my floor. Throughout the year, I really didn't have any desire to do anything. My practicum sucked, my personal life sucked, school sucked, etc.
So when my year ended, and I remember the drive home I had during Christmas and in April, when I saw the "Welcome to Edmonton" sign, I have never felt such huge burdens lifted off of my shoulder. I was so homesick that the picture my head painted of heaven was back here in Edmonton. Familiarity.
And since the summer started, I'd also been blessed with a job opportunity to work at a golf course. I thought that it'd be a neat idea because I've never seen this side of working before. All you get is the stuff in retail or in the food industry for summer jobs. I've written a few blog posts about how I've felt about my job at Legends, so I'm not going to say anymore. Although I do have to say that now that I'm finished working there, I am really happy. That type of work just gets too tedious for me to enjoy.
Continuing to be transparent, I've been really happy to be home this summer. There's been many moments where I caught myself thinking that this is basically what heaven will look like to me: getting to hang out with my favorite people every day just doing the things that we love, and not having a care in the world about anything else.
But then, I started to realize that this "happiness" was just a mask for all the problems that I currently have in life. Since about mid-November of 2011, I have never been so down in terms of spiritually, emotionally, physically, and whatever else you can throw in here. I can say quite confidently that I still haven't fully recovered. In case you missed it, I basically was on the verge of giving up Christianity. It's ironic to think that a Bible college student would do that. Again, I will never deny God's existence; I just get fed up with the story that God's written and that I have to play a part in it - to be vague.
Even today, I still have small thoughts of hopelessness and just the desire to give everything up. I'm at a stage where my thoughts mirror a lot of what Ecclesiastes says, about how everything is meaningless.
One thing that I definitely did value about being in Calgary was the chance to have really deep talks with people. I don't really get that at home in Edmonton, whether it's because I just don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about those things or I just don't have anyone to talk to.
I think it's been really evident in how my school year has affect the way I behave around people back home. I'm a ton more cynical, more pessimistic, bitter, and just being at a dangerous level of apathy towards a lot of things. I have pissed a lot of people off because I have no patience in dealing with them, or just generally say things that aren't very pleasant. My frustration shows so easily - in soccer, in church, at myself especially.
My biggest highlight was definitely summer camp. Although I wouldn't label it a highlight as in a spiritual or emotional high; but rather just the liberty for me to do what I love (like I mentioned above with the heaven statement). It was so nice to forget everything this poor world was going through and just hang out with friends. I got to lead worship, but that was just an exclamation mark.
And now, being a few days into August, I've officially ended my job at Legends; and I'm going to have a week here to chill at home before I spend a week coaching soccer. Then I'll be heading to Vancouver for a couple weeks and then come right back and head down to Calgary.
I have to admit that, although most people get the back to school jitters, mine feel a bit different than they used to. I don't even know how to explain it, because I don't even know what it is I'm feeling. But one thing I do know that this upcoming year is going to be a huge year for me. If I don't regain some stepping ground, I'm going to be in trouble heading into my internship and final year.
But anyway, my train of thought is fading. I had so much I wanted to write about, and I still have a lot I want to write about. But I think I'll cap off the first part here; and maybe I'll write again tomorrow.
Thanks for reading - it means a lot to me.
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