Turnaround?

Given my blogging frequency over the last couple of months, going a week without really feeling the need to blog is pretty weird. I almost felt obligated to just write something down so I don't feel bad about not logging onto Blogspot! Haha.

I did, however, think of a couple things I could potentially blog about over the last couple of days though; I just hadn't gotten around to it until now.

Strange, considering that on a day to day basis, I don't really have a NEED to wake up until 10:30am at the earliest (other than church), but I've still been quite tired over the last couple of days for whatever reason. I start classes at 11:15am on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but it's at 1:00pm every other day. I don't really stay up that late either, so I'm not sure why I am so tired! Maybe because I am always sitting down and don't really move a whole lot.

But anyways, I know I have bitched and moaned about pretty much everything lately, so I am sorry for that. I have to thank you so much for dealing with all of this! You, being whoever reads my stuff and takes time out to think about me. You're awesome. By the way, I know I can sometimes let out a curse word here and there, but in those times, curse words are the only way I can really use to fully express and get across what I'm trying to relay. Generally, I advocate against using them, but I do think there is a place for them in an everyday vocabulary. The only reason these "swear words" can be looked so harshly upon is because of the abuse they get in society. I came to this conclusion because one of my profs, during a class last term, used "bitching" in something he was saying and it kind of caught everyone off guard. I later came to think that in what he was saying, given the context and everything, that that was the right word to use because it helped him say what he needed to say. So yes, I do think swearing is okay given the right context; of course, you will try to avoid it, but it can be justified in certain times.

Moving on... Over the last few days, I noticed something really weird about myself. I am slowly becoming myself again! There were some really random moments in my day where I might have caught myself being joyful. After being in the dumps for more or less two or three months, I didn't know what it meant to be joyful anymore - or I'd forgotten. So the first time I found myself enjoying a specific time in my day, I was completely baffled at it. And over the course of the last couple days, I noticed it a few more times.

And when I think about it, there were a lot of little things that I did or unintentionally did that helped me get here. A lot of the things that I did were really cheesy and stupid, things you don't think I'd normally do. If you ask me, I really don't think I have a point or an event that lead me to this turnaround; it just sort of happened.

To finish off this post, I want to credit this man for being able to explain some of my favorite things better than I could ever dream of explaining them. These two videos basically sum up the way I normally live and the way I think we can all live to be able to make the most out of life. If you have some time in your day, give them a watch! I know this is a nerd talking about these things, but it's a lot more insightful than you might think. Trust me! I've linked them on my Tumblr a while ago, but I will put them here too!

 

^-- [Day9 on emotion]

^-- [Day9 on positivity]

I will watch these videos again before I go to bed. ^^;

Looking Ahead This Term

Because, for whatever reasons, our school like to start terms on Wednesdays, I finally got to have my "first class" for my final class this term, today. It is somewhat inconvenient because by this time, we're almost back full fledged into our routines and such. So suddenly having to plop in a class on Monday for the first time, it makes it seem a little awkward and lagging behind.

But anyways, since coming back to Calgary, I've become a ton more reserved. I'm not too sure why, but I just have had no desire to get involved with anything outside my room unless it was something I couldn't resist. So other than getting food, I left my room just a few times. As for anything of any significance, I played futsal one night. I must say that, not having kicked a ball since November (when I got shin splints), I was rather rusty. And because I hadn't built up any strength in my legs since doing pretty much nothing with them for a month and a half, I couldn't kick the ball properly. Haha. Also, early in September, I broke my juggling record again (I forget the exact number), but for the few times I tried last week, I had trouble breaking 20. /sadface

Yesterday, I rented some skates (because I left mine at home) and went to play some hockey at an outdoor rink nearby. For someone that hadn't skated since probably high school, I did okay. Other than my feet hurting FAR too much because the skates don't fit my feet width-wise, I was reminded of how bad a skater I am. I have no problem skating forward, making little turns here and there, and turning left via crossovers, but other than that, I clearly lacked the ability that I needed to keep up with the best players that played. Considering some of the guys that went actually play hockey, I guess it isn't a fair comparison! Anyways, I seem to always manage to pull off something crazy every game I play in sports. I had a breakaway and so I decided to try to be cheeky and pulled a move that required sticking my stick and puck underneath and between my own legs and then flipping it up into the net. Well, suffice to say, I pulled it off, then tripped over my own stick, fell onto the ice and made it seem like I did that on purpose by rolling over a few times flapping my arms and legs in the air. Embarrassing!

After some incredible fun, I woke up today with my hamstrings and quad muscles insanely sore! But it was worth it.

Ummm, coming back to the "school" side of things, I am not overly eager for this term because it is going to be incredibly busy. And especially now that winter has decided to finally pay everyone a visit, I'm more inclined to just hermit in my room more than I originally would have wanted to. Luckily, I still have one class that I will look forward to going to because it is taught by my favorite professor and advisor, Bill McAlpine! It is a Foundations to Church Ministry class - exactly the stuff that I am passionate about! Other than that though, I'm not too excited. As today was my first public speaking class, my prof sang us songs - awkward! It was incredibly cheesy. Unfortunately.

With the rest of my classes, it's a lot of repetitive and dry things, so I might not be too excited for much this term. With my practicum, I just hope that my heart can adjust to this church because I am honestly not doing a very good job to be excited to serve. It's so different from home and CCBC last year; I was so excited and took so much time out to prepare and think about the things I need or want to do at home, but with this church, it's a struggle. I actually wonder if it's because this is labeled as a practicum and I am being monitored and all that. Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I guess I have gained a little bit of experience in what it's like to not really want to, or at least be a little reluctant to, do ministry.

Homework starts tomorrow! Good thing I will be accompanied by this amazing track! So dreamy <3

Wait A Minute

Last night, a video surfaced all over the internet about a guy's poem saying how he loves Jesus but hates religion. While everyone seemed so blown away by what he said, I watched it a few more times and didn't really find myself all that fascinated. If you haven't seen it, here it is.

I give the guy props for what he did because I, for one, probably would never have the guts to make such a declaration in the fashion that he did. The poem was well written and you can tell he knows his stuff. So when I took a deeper look, this is what I've found.

First and foremost, I think the reason that any of us who relate to this is because we are Christians ourselves. Being Christians, it's very obvious, to a point where even "blind" see, that on a universal scale, we get thrown in with the rest of the "religions" in this world. And while everything in this video is quite true - yes, Christianity is quite different from most faiths - I didn't find it to be anything that profound. Well, you might be thinking "I just liked it because it's a good refresher, stop overreacting." I know quite well, and from experience, that things that you heard in this video will re-surface in time without you even knowing it. Anyways...

Jefferson Bethke, the man that wrote this, seems to be trying to separate Christianity with the rest of the world's religions. There's a lot of things in the video that Jefferson didn't address, so it's not safe for me to be assuming things like what caused him to write a poem like this; therefore, I can only speak from my own findings relating to what he said.

Many years ago, I was in this exact position that Jefferson is. I hated being called a "Christian" because I would look at the societies in this world and what sort of perceptions that arose if I told someone that I am a Christian. Not only with the way Christians are viewed, but I thought that people who didn't label themselves with any particular faith, they would probably just throw Christianity into a group with the rest of the religions in this world. So when people asked me, I told them that I am a follower of Jesus. As time progressed and as I grew older, I learned that being a follower of Jesus is really sketchy.

This character of Jesus defines what Christianity is, and at the same time it doesn't. What sets the boundaries for the different faiths is their view of who Jesus is and was. Most religions won't deny the existence of Jesus; the conflicts are found in who Jesus was. Some say that he was just a prophet, or a very influential person, a great teacher, etc. So by saying that I follow Jesus, what does that really mean? Because I could believe that Jesus was just a very influential person, nothing more, and still be a follower of him - much like if I was to say that I follow the teachings of Gandhi. Christianity sees Jesus as the one and only son of God, that he is one of the three persons in the Holy Trinity - fully God and fully human - and that he came to this earth to live a sin-free life and act as the sacrifice for our sins by dying on the cross in order for us to have a chance to be reunited with God. Three days after Jesus died, he rose again and ascended to the right hand of God. For simplicity's sake, I'm going to leave it there; but I think you should get the point of what I'm trying to say because for other religions, they won't agree with one or more of those points about who Jesus was.

So, coming back to this poem and video, this is why I don't think it's that mind blowing. Yes, it was very good and refreshing in helping us understand that we as Christians are different; but none of this should ever come as a surprise. For myself, I tried to distinguish myself as different when I was in this stage of my life because I didn't want to be put in the same category as those people that call themselves Christians and then go and sin left and right.

Then, when I started to read and study more of what the Bible says about our life as Christians, I began to learn that it's really no big deal - all of this is expected to happen. Jesus, himself, told his disciples that when they go do what Jesus commanded them to do, that they will be persecuted and mocked and every other bad thing you can find. As the Scriptures kept going, it was exactly what happened. And even further into the New Testament, there are some great passages that talk about this whole living as a Christian type of thing. In 1 Peter 4, there is a perfect example about being persecuted as a Christian:

¹² Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. ¹³ But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ¹⁴ If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. ¹⁵ If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. ¹⁶ However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.

This all comes back to the fact that we don't like to be labeled as a "religion" that sprouts this want to be separated from all the other organized religions.

Anyways, I can go on and on but I don't want to take away from a good job done by Jefferson Bethke on this subject. It's very good to listen to, and to act as a reminder, about our faith in God because he basically gave us the essentials of what Christianity really means. I just wanted to state that it isn't really anything new and nothing that we shouldn't have heard before.

I'm done. Haha.

Strangers

We have said it many times, but I have to say it again: this lack of snow feels really strange! The entire drive down back to Calgary felt like the Spring time in April or May - there was basically no snow.

Thanks to my best friend, music, the drive wasn't all that bad; of course, it was long, but I managed because my mind pretty much went blank for those hours. That could also be a bad thing because it could imply that I'm not paying attention to the road. Haha. At the same time, I had to pay extra attention because it was really windy; so my car, being as light as it is, would swerve quite a bit if I wasn't careful. Speaking of windy drives, it seems every time that I've driven back home or to Calgary since the end of last year, it was really windy. Our climate is so messed up. I'm also quite certain that when winter hits, it's going to hit hard. When I say hard, I mean like nonstop snow for weeks, minus 40 temperatures for weeks - everything stops working. But at the same time, I could be way off and this will remain as our winter; so strange.

Anyways, now that I'm back in Calgary, I need to get back into the swing of things as soon as possible. It's tough for me to work myself up to these things because it seems that nothing I've done or have been a part of this year really fires me up. What kind of things?

Living in residence has been much better than I thought. People are friendly and give you the space you want. But on my end of things, I just haven't really adjusted. I'm already slow at being acclimatized to new environments, but I still haven't really met people here at school that I click with as well as some friends back home. To be fair though, I just compared life long relationships to people I've known for less than a year. Maybe I'm just disappointed because I look at the natural social butterflies and how they can get along with everyone instantly, and I wonder why I can't be like that.

Last year, and as my first year of Bible college, I loved what I studied; doing papers and reading was easy because I had such a passion and fire to learn more. I will never be a strong student, but I can always do well. And especially since coming to Ambrose, my marks have improved a lot. This first term of my second year though, I had a lot of trouble getting up to doing assignments and paying attention in class. As a result, I am somewhat scared to check my grades. I don't think I really failed anything, but my marks probably didn't meet the expectations that I had going into the term. And my expectations are really high, compared to what I've been able to achieve in the past. I only hope this term will be better.

As for my practicum, there isn't really any way that I can put it other than this: I just haven't found a way to fit in with this church. Fantastic pastors, very nice people, I just can't seem to "gel" with anyone or anything. It's incredibly strange and awkward for me because I normally LOVE going to church and being part of things. NEAC is a given for me to go, and I loved going to CCBC for the same reasons that I love my home church. This year though, I have started to notice that I've began growing a reluctance to go to church. Maybe it's the ministry that I'm uncomfortable with, or maybe I'm just not willing to try new things. At the end of the day, I just don't think youth ministry is for me. I feel awful for SGAC because I'm giving a half-assed effort most of the time and I'm just not giving what I can give. On my side, it's good because it's given me assurance on what my strengths and weaknesses are.

Anyways, there is still one thing on my mind regarding my call to ministry that I've been mulling over but not ready to really talk about it yet because it is largely affected by my mood and attitude as of late. So, while that progresses, I guess I'll just try to adjust life back to the way it was and try to look up.

Might as well be a stranger.

Amounts

As my winter break couldn't have been more than I'd hoped, I am facing another monster of a semester at Ambrose again. I thank all the people that took any amount of time out for me because there is no way this break could have happened without you.

I am sorry that everything I have blogged about recently have all been quite angry. I think that I have just been taken advantage of by the things that have been going on in my life as of lately. Sometimes, I'll be incredibly upset but don't even know what I am upset about.

The problem that I have been having is that I am having trouble finding any purpose or point to life. "Why?" is the question that I've asked a ton of, only to not get any answers that I would like. It's so strange because not too long ago, my mindset was basically this: life is good, have a ton of fun and don't hold back on who you are.

Now, my thinking changes constantly, but it runs something along the lines of: life is f*cked up and pointless - what is the point of living and why can't God just end it all right now? What the heck is He waiting for?

Some of my thinking stems from reading "Love Wins," actually. Since I last wrote about it, I haven't made any progress; but I think it was what I had read up to that point that really got me thinking with a very pessimistic attitude. We're always told that, "oh yeah, life will be good in the future;" "when we're in heaven, all the pain will be gone and all the shit that we suffer on earth won't mean a thing." On and on it goes.

Coming back to a song by DC Talk entitled "What If I Stumble" there is a little intro thing where the narrator says "the single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christian[ity]..." So, what if I told you that I had considered giving up my faith. Whether it was a serious consideration or not is left for me to know because that could skew the way you think about what I just wrote.

Don't get me wrong though, I will never deny the existence of God; I've experienced far too much to experience how alive and working God is. The problem that I have is with this whole Christian story. God wrote this thing and he put us on earth so we could experience his love and all that stuff; but because of sin, we experience separation and suffering.

If I was hearing this story for the first time, my reaction would be quite simple: what the f*ck? And then I would go on asking some questions that I will be asking God even as a completely dedicated Christian when all is said and done. The whole idea of our Christian faith banks on this idea of "hope" and how it is a future that we look forward to. With the state that the world is in now, it's easy to ask "well, what about now?" or "you're telling me that when this life is done, all the crap I've endured, all the highs that I've been through, everything I've earned, don't mean anything?"

Well, why don't I just end it right now? Nothing amounts to anything except for all these "treasures in heaven"... Whatever that means. If God is all loving, why does he make us go through all these things? So we can experience his love when it's all said and done? Bullshit. If he's as loving and as powerful as he's supposed to be, why did he have to make things this way? Why did he have to create the possibility of sin? Why couldn't everything just have been made perfect and stayed perfect; we can still experience his love that way. Well, if God wanted this whole theme of redemption, I guess that's what he'll do and I guess that's what he's done.

Okay, look. I'm obviously taking some of these things way too far out of context and exaggerating the stances that I take; but the fact of the matter is that these are the things that I've been thinking about recently because I am struggling. And tons of people do think this way, so it's not too farfetched to ask them.

At the end of the day, the point is that I am just not happy that I have to leave Edmonton yet again. This is getting rather old, having to be separated from the people that I care about. Well, when I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to have breakfast and load up and make the drive back to campus. From then on, I'll go until Reading Week where I make a brief trip back to Edmonton, then go for the rest of the term.

Ridiculous how life works - I don't like it. I'm not giving up my faith, and I'm not giving up on my life; but I don't agree with the way God does things (and I'm sure almost all of us won't agree with everything); but I can't change the way things are, so I am left here grasping for air and begging that all this stuff I'm experiencing amounts to something useful in this life and the next.

As for my Christmas break, it was a getaway for me. Now, I'm going to come crashing back down. Let's see how I handle it.

/longpost

In Limbo

Ummm, what?

Where did all the time go?

I'm literally sitting here in my bed, confused as... You fill in the blank. This winter break is coming to a close and I have to drive back down to Calgary on Monday. I'm disoriented to the point where I don't even know how exactly I can put all my thoughts into words.

Let me try to put it differently. People have started asking me about school again and my mom has started to get things for me to bring down to Calgary. I had no response or reaction to either of those questions because it hasn't even hit me that I am just a couple days from going back to school.

Bummer.

I think the good thing about this is that it means my break was a success, the way I wanted it to go. On the other hand, the bad thing is that I have become so oblivious to time. Being at home has made me so care free and so worry free that I don't even remember that I need to go back to Calgary.

Thinking about it, I don't think I've really told many people outside of my family and some of my closest friends, but there were times this past semester where I felt like I was trapped in prison. Don't get me wrong about living in residence, because it's really fun, but it honestly felt that way quite a few days because everything you see is the same everyday.

And now that I'm just a couple days from being forced to drive back down and ready myself for the winter semester, I find myself facing the same issues that I always do before a new semester hits. There are adjustments to my courses that need to be made, I need to find a list of textbooks that I need to buy, I need to find a way to somehow get enough money for school, etc.

But because I've been so distracted, and rightfully so, I have completely lost track of the "real world" and whatever it is. I'd like to stay right where I am now, please and thank you. Life sucked before I came back to Edmonton for Christmas, and I don't want to go back to that.

Welp, time to suck it up again - like I always do - and start thinking about going to school again.

I haven't even checked my marks from fall term yet.

Can I stay in limbo, please?