Timeless

Can I get my nerd on?

Thanks. =D

I've probably talked about this many times, but I'm going to do it again because it continues to fascinate me. I can really see how we were created to live forever, transcending time, basically. We say that time is constant: one second will always be one second. Time is a way to measure forward motion, and I think it's a pretty neat concept that we've managed to develop. But if time doesn't change, then how come there are periods where an hour feels like a minute and vice versa?

That's why I really think we were meant to not be bound by time, to live in eternity. I know it's a crazy idea to try to wrap our heads around, but I think we can experience glimpses of it on earth.

Example. If you told me, right now, that I've spent two and a half weeks at home already, I probably wouldn't believe you. I cannot explain to you how fast the last couple weeks have felt to me. I've basically lost track of time - part of trying to break into this dimension of timelessness. My entire mind, body, and spirit have seemed to enter this realm where time doesn't really exist, but at the same time does because of the reality of things. So, maybe instead of saying that my holiday has gone by too fast, I should say that this whole idea of time passing by has just kind of evaporated. Being in school and all that jazz seems so distant, like it's just a figment of my memory of something that happened some while ago. But, not only was it just a few weeks back that I was still writing and studying for finals, it kind of almost even seems like an irrelevant memory - it doesn't matter when it happened, it just did. So given my current state of existence, the only way I can really describe it, is that, I kind of just am. Time hasn't had its control on me because there haven't been any deadlines to meet, any errands to keep track of, all that kind of stuff that we usually pin some sort of time to.

This is why I love those stories that deal with time or different realms so much. Stuff like Chrono Cross, Inception, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, all that kind of stuff just blows my mind because they not only do they make you feel dumb by throwing all your presuppositions of this world out the window, but they make the understandings look real scrub. Furthermore, what I just said kind of reinforces even more the whole idea of timelessness. If we can somehow grasp these things, these unnatural phenomenon, and kind of turn them into something we can understand, then there's got to be some understanding or at least hypothetical grasps of something that exceeds anything we've ever come to know. All of our "laws" are made by these concepts to look like we're stupid and in some ways, these ideas feel even more real than what reality currently is.

Uhh, I think I may be going crazy. I think all of what I just wrote is what you call madness.. or maybe weird. Hard to believe that all of this sprouted from having an amazing week spent with my cousins for their winter holidays. I am glad that I had spent my last couple weeks the way I did, and it's given me insight into what I can expect life to be when it is fulfilled.

We really were made to transcend time and live in eternity. Just look at how the human body works and you might be able to see what I'm seeing.

Just Chill

I think most students, when they enter any sort of extended break, feel some kind of angst in that they keep feeling like they need to be doing something or else they are wasting the day away. A week and a half back, I'm in that situation. I don't think I've gone to bed any night without thinking like I needed to do something productive during the day.

We talk about it all the time, and some even start to try it, but the thing is that we never actually take breaks. And when we do, they're halfassed breaks. The break consists of maybe spending an hour or two watching a TV show proceeded by some sort of cleaning or tidying. When the cleaning and tidying starts, you start to work again. Now that your body is into that motion and rhythm, the brain responds by saying you need to work. There goes the "break".

It's tough, at least I think, to go so heavy into working nonstop and then doing next to nothing for over a week. I keep feeling like, and I'm sure a lot of others do as well, I need to be doing something. Except I don't really know what I should be doing other than looking ahead to next term. I told myself that I have ~a month off, so my first two weeks will be spent doing nothing but the things that I love doing, no matter how much I feel the need to do something that is a mandatory type of thing.

So, I hope that everyone can be encouraged to take some time off just to chill and enjoy themselves and not feel guilty about it. It's Christmas season after all! Take time out for yourself and think about those chore-like tasks some other time!

Depending on whether or not I get another post out by Christmas, I'll just say is now: Merry Christmas to everyone! I hope that it's an awesome one for you and your loved ones.

Another One Down!

I have officially completed another semester! It always feels so strange to be sitting in my room at night and hearing complete silence. The only noise that gets processed through my brain is the sound of my typing and the static that my ear hears. The static, or white noise or whatever - I'm not actually sure, is pretty interesting because I don't know how much of it I've always heard in my life. But ever since I moved to res at school, I've become much more aware of the silence I get at home. I have to say that I love it, though it can seem a bit creepy because I'm just not used to it anymore.

Either way, I'm so stoked to have, yet again, another Christmas to spend with my family and friends back home. The drive home was rather smooth; there was only a small portion near Leduc where the visibility was pretty bad due to the snow that had fallen earlier in the day. And when I got back into the city, there were a couple icy parts, but it wasn't unmanageable.

So, for the next two days, I'm just going to spend my time at home except for when I have to go play music for the youth ministry thing that I wrote about a while ago in being delegated as worship leader when I didn't even want to do it. As I am with trying new things, I'm always a bit reluctant, so I hope I have fun. Other than that, I'm probably going to try to make a trip or two to WEM before it gets overly busy with Christmas shopping.

Aside from those that I've mentioned, I don't really have plans at all! So if you aren't too cool for me, hit me up and we'll go do something! (=

Sympathy

This morning, I woke up and felt rather excited to write my second final of my three in total. I didn't do too much studying for this class, but it was only because I felt I had a strong grasp on all the things we learned already. Theology From the Margins has been, by far, my favorite class of the semester. We got to learn about four different theologies within four different people groups, and how their view of the gospel and the Christian faith is so close to what we might consider classical Christianity or orthodoxy, and yet still be missing some things so that it isn't actually Christianity.

As much as I loved this class, it was a lot of work. Regrettably, it may have been the only class where I spent more than a single day on any assignment this term. Yes, that speaks to my sloppy work in most cases; but on the other hand, it also tells that I actually cared enough about this class to start my homework earlier than I needed to - partly because I had no choice.

Unfortunately, our term paper and the last assignment was due within the span of a week. And because the weeks that these two were due, I had several other assignments due. So, as it was in the last couple weeks of November, they were two weeks of death. I felt the effects of it too. After each assignment I finished, I felt so drained that I really had no idea that I'd be able to finish the next one. The effects of being drained meant I ended up handing a couple assignments in late - which is something I never do, by the way. So you might be able to tell that it really did take its toll on me.

However, back to this morning's final. I was excited to be able to walk out of my final and discuss the questions with my friend. However, as the exam started, he was nowhere to be seen; we ended up starting a few minutes late in hopes that he just slept in or something. But after a while, he never showed up, so we just started.

There were several points during the exam where I started to think about him, but I knew I had to finish the exam first. After I finished, I went to his room to see him watching a cartoon. I was kind of shocked to see that he didn't go to the exam. He told me he never actually handed the last two assignments in; and because of that, he thought he failed the class because it was a course where we had to submit all assignments to pass. So, I guess he thought that he failed, and just gave up.

As a dude, I'm terrible with this compassion stuff. I didn't know what to say. I don't even remember what I said. But the expression my friend had on his face was one of such defeat, I'm not sure anything I could've said would've done anything. It's really too bad, because he's one of the smartest guys I know; and to see him go down, probably burnt out, like that really hurts me.

All I remember is, as I walked out of his room, I said, "I don't want you to fail, ____." I think he needed his space, so that's why I didn't want to poke at him anymore. All I can really say is that I feel terrible. I don't know if he will pass the class now, and I don't know if he cares.

Well, I guess that it's a choice that was made; so, everyone will have to live with the consequences. It's one thing to get knocked down; but another to get knocked down and get back up, or to just lay their making friends with the ground.

Empowerment - Pt. 2 // What It Looks Like

I have an overdue paper, another paper due Friday, and an entire course's worth of Greek assignments to finish - this doesn't even include the fact that my first final is on Friday. However, that's not going to stop me from blogging! Procrastination is my strength, after all. Haha.

It's been, what, 3 weeks since my first post on this subject? I won't lie, I've somewhat lost track of where I wanted to go from the end of my last post, but I'm going to do my best to pick it up from where I left off.

I remember being part of a conversation where it was made known to me that the group of "leaders" before the current group at the time never passed down anything they had learned or experienced from their times before they all left to do different things in their lives. As a result, the next group was forced to, not even pick up where they left off, but to start the whole thing all over again. I think I was in grade 12 when this conversation happened. It stood out to me so much because it made complete sense to me.

When I was young, there was a very strong group of leaders that did almost everything for us. They kind of paved the way, I'd even argue much more than any group of leaders had done so after they had left, for a strong community. The evidence is found in that, while many of them nowadays are off doing their own things in different parts of the world, they are still connected somehow.

Up to that point in the conversation, I really saw the people in my age range start to take leadership of the congregation. It wasn't all that obvious yet, because we were still on the cusp of breaking out. It was strange, but I saw it the whole time. I really felt that our group had the potential to become the leaders of, not only the congregation, but the church as well. I'm sure I'm not the only one that saw that. I think a huge reason for that was because we had to learn everything by ourselves - with guidance, of course. We had learned what it was like to have God run the show while we stood there as the instrument or even if it was simply just to watch as the story unfolded.

I was ready as well. I wanted so desperately to become a leader in the church. I wanted so badly to make sure that the group coming up after us would be able to not go through the growing pains that we did, to be able to learn and experience what we've been able to see because of God's grace. I wanted to empower as many people as I could.

I don't know how successful I was. If I think about it now, I don't think I was successful at all. It might have manifested a bit when I was still living in Edmonton, but it clearly didn't last. I don't know how much of what I did back then, is still influential in the way things happen now.

To be honest, before I really got to do much, God called me away from home. I wanted to do so much for my church, but God knew that it was time for me to move out; and, quite frankly, I couldn't have agreed more. At the time, it was time for me to move away from home.

So, the way that I look at it, right as I felt like I was going to really step out as a leader in the church, I had to leave. Sure, I managed a year on the English Ministry Committee, and I was one of the leaders of the worship team, but I don't think I really did much. I never got the chance to share with people all the things that I had learned over the years. I never got the chance to bring up someone who might have been entering high school or junior high, put them on a worship team, and let them see what it's like. Basically, I never got to pass down anything before I had to leave.

Actually, though, I really don't know what that would look like. I don't know what I'd actually be able to teach, tell, or whatever to anyone to make them realize and see the things that I see or from the way I see it. But the more I thought about it, I think what empowering someone would really look like, if it was up to me, is to allow someone to blossom into their own person in Christ. The only thing I can do, is open the pathway to let that happen. So, if it meant to have someone play alongside me on a Sunday, or just to hang out and get to know him or her, that already is empowerment. The whole point is to speak Jesus into people's lives, both ways, so that we feel moved into action and growth.

Empowerment doesn't mean that I am "better" or "more experienced" than you are, so I'm going to teach you. It's simply the community between people, where the sharing of experiences allow for each other to be built up in a way that they can each play to their own strengths and as an entire unified body, live for Christ.

When a group of people don't step up and pass along all their growth and experience to those that are not yet at the stage, it gets wasted. In my life time, I've seen it happen twice now; and it pains me every time I think about what could have been, but isn't. Church just becomes a vicious cycle where a group of people are forced to learning the ropes by themselves because they have no idea what happened to the people before them. And when they finally grow up and learn how to take on the leadership of a church, they aren't able to pass on anything they've learned either before they leave; so it just resets the cycle.


So then, how does it look like if it works? Well, I kind of touched on it a bit already. I don't think that someone needs to be an amazing worship leader, an amazing preacher, an amazing prayer warrior, or whatever to empower people. Sure, a lot of times it will be these people because they're the upfront and center figures that kind of lead the charge. But I feel like a lot of, and maybe even more so, are the people that just take time out of their week to go have coffee with someone. Make it a routine! Go every week. It's amazing how God works when a routine is developed. What do I mean? Try finding a specific time in the day to meet with God, whether by prayer or scripture; it'll be amazing. For example, wake up at 8am every morning to do your devos. When God knows that you've set a time in your schedule for him, he will meet you there. It's just like having appointments with people. It doesn't make any sense if you just casually go about saying, "here, let's meet," while not giving any details as to when you want to meet or where.

The whole idea of community is empowerment. Fellowship is empowerment. When there is fellowship, there is empowerment happening. The very thing with sharing life with people, whether in small groups or large, it allows for the Spirit to work. The more we share life with each other, the more we grow, and the more we learn about amazing things. So, instead of just being like, "oh my gosh, that worship leader is so cool! I wish I could be like him," (as if he was some sort of celebrity) you can say, "I know that guy! He's my friend; and we're tight!"

Eventually, these relationships get contagious. People start to see that the bond between a group of people are strong; and it'll stop them in their tracks, make them turn towards the community, and want to be part of that community. So, it's extremely important to remain open as a group. Don't make it exclusive. Jesus is not exclusive; he died for all. Some of us just choose not to want him; so it's even more important to reach out to those that are struggling. You see where I'm going with this? I hope so.

"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I [Jesus] with them." - Matthew 18:20

A Couple of Thoughts

Going to bed or reading/writing paper would be much more productive right now, but there's a couple things that's been on my mind recently; so I'll just jot down my thoughts and then go to bed in hopes that I'll have more energy for tomorrow.

Oh! Before I continue, sorry about not having my second part to my empowering thing up yet. Who would've thought that if I left papers to the last minute that I'd be so busy? I'll try to have it up this weekend.

The first thing that's been on my mind has actually been a slow progression throughout the latter half of my life and then suddenly took a spike up since coming to Ambrose. Several years back, I was at a training with a bunch of people who I had just met for the first time that week, and also a few people that I had come to know prior to that training. There were a few odd occasions where a few jabs, just for funzies, at how there are Asians among the group and how if we do something, it's acceptable or at least understandable because we're Asian.

Later on one night, I was asked by a Caucasian how I felt about these jabs of being Asian. At the time, since I had been around Asians for most of my life, I never had a problem when I was out with people of different ethnicities where there might be a fun joke about how I do something, or could do something, because of the fact that I'm Asian. At the time, I actually thought it was pretty funny that people would actually notice that I'm Asian.

However, I brushed off that question and kind of shoved it to the back of my mind. I didn't forget about it completely because I noted the fact that my friend who had asked the question seemed pretty serious about it.

Since coming to Ambrose, I became one of just a handful of Asians in the school, especially in ministry - I may have been one of maybe only two or three. And on a different note, everybody has their little quirks about them. Of course, I have mine as well. Slowly, these little Asian jabs started to come back up - for fun of course, and I didn't mind.

I'm good at soccer? Oh, I'm Asian. I'm good at music? Oh, it's because I'm Asian. I do this and that? It's alright, I'm Asian. I had no issues with this until recently. I realize that it's all just for jokes and fun, but I really have to admit, it starts to wear on me and get old. I used to laugh and play along with these jokes, but I've caught myself at times now not even responding to it. If I'm in a good mood, maybe I'll still crack up the joke, but on any other day, it's almost annoying. If I had to guess, there's probably one Asian on each floor of my residence. I wonder if they experience the same things. I wonder if people of a different ethnicity does as well? There's a couple black people in res, and a couple of some mixed Latin American too, I'm sure.

Yeah, I went on a little bit long with that vent. Oops.

The second thing I want to touch on is about the year of 2011/2012 at Ambrose. I've talked repeatedly about how I had such an awful year. The thing is, as this year is progressing, I'm hearing more and more about how people had same experiences last year as well. I'm wondering if it's a strange coincidence? Or is it just that I'm noticing it when people are sharing because I went through it last year as well? It's so weird that I've now heard on several different occasions about people coming out to share about how at some point during the last year that they were either ready to kill themselves or give up God completely. I mean, I've shared my experience on a couple of occasions now; and there's others that are doing the same.

The one thing in common with all of our stories is that no one came out to ask for help or support during the time that we were going through it. It's just so strange how the forces of evil work in this world. You could be so immersed into a culture full of people, and yet be so incredibly isolated at the same time. It only takes one little peak off to the side of the road. If the devil catches you with just the one small glance away from God, he'll scare you off the path. Once you've strayed from the path, he continues to scare you until you're cornered and you have nowhere to go.

It's crazy how so many of us went through such similar pains and struggles. This, though, all the more reinforces the idea that the very moment we realize there's potential for us to stumble, we absolutely NEED to approach people for support and most importantly cling onto Jesus.

It blew my mind when I heard someone else tell their story; and it still blows my mind that I wasn't alone.

I'm done. Time to go to bed and then hammer out 2500 words tomorrow.

Empowerment - Pt. 1 // Introduction and Foundation

I debated this in my head for quite a while, about whether or not I should just slap everything onto one blog or separate it into sections. In the end, I'll probably have written at least two parts to this topic. But, alas! Here is my first part of writing about this topic.. Only a month and a half late. Sorry!

The whole concept of empowerment first came to me last year. I was at my pastors house, sitting in on their youth leader meeting. We were going through a little task of trying to determining what type of leader everyone was. There were three basic categories of leaders: a) a complete hands on leader, right in the thick of things getting their hands dirty; b) a director, delegating tasks and helping where required; and c) an overseer/visionary type, having people work and being hands off in the process.

At first, I had trouble trying to categorize myself in one of the three. I felt that it really depended on the context in which I was leading. I kept coming back to the idea of ending up at C, where I would be able to be a hands off type of leader and allow a team to be self-sufficient. The only issue was how to get there. I said that depending on where I am and what I'm doing, I could potentially start at point A, or at point B; however, as it is also my weakness, I cannot stay at either A or B for a long time without a huge potential to burn myself out. Thus, the desire to gravitate toward point C. Further into the discussion, and with a little help from my pastor, he came up with the word to describe my type of leadership: empowerment.

It made a lot of sense from there on forward. This concept of leading with the end goal of seeing groups and teams be able to be self-sufficient lined up so well with my general philosophy of ministry. The core of my beliefs and values, and the very foundation of how I am wired, is based on this idea of building people up so that they can be as thriving as their imaginations allow them to fly. To me, it boils down to a very simple reason for why I have this strong desire for things to be self-sufficient: I, or other leaders for that matter, will not be around forever. So when we leave, what have we left behind? I base success largely upon, not only on what is happening during my time as leader, but perhaps even more so on what the ministry/environment looks like after I have left. If I work somewhere for 5-10 years, leave, and nothing has changed, did I really do anything at all?

So, brings me to the point: the very reason I would want to work in a church is so that I can play a role in people's lives, and as a result have them flourish and blossom into instruments that can be used by God to further his work, far beyond anything that we've ever dreamed to accomplish. I've talked about leaving legacies in places, wherever I go. I think that empowerment goes beyond that. It's more than just about leaving a lasting impression of myself; it's about setting people up to be on fire for God. Quite honestly, I actually don't even care if people don't remember me after I leave; but if I'm able to place into their hearts a desire to stretch the boundaries and push their limits for God, then I am content with what I have accomplished.

These are all things that drive me, but I also think that empowering people is one of the hardest tasks to do and achieve. I've been on the unfortunate end on a few occasions where having left, or being left behind, and not having taken the necessary steps to have people carry on what I, or other leaders, have started.

I will be first to admit that, strictly speaking in the terms and context of NEAC, I left too soon to pursue my vocation of becoming a pastor.

To find out why I feel this way, and more of what empowerment means to a community, stay tuned to my blog over the next few days for part number two!

Blessings (=

It's A Trap!

.. Not really.

About a month ago, a few people started up a new ministry that was aimed toward helping the smaller churches' youth groups. This group of people understood that some smaller churches may not necessarily have the resources to hold youth gatherings for their kids, etc., etc., etc.

I went to their meeting just to hear about what they were all about. Afterward, I decided that I wanted to help out with their ministry, just not in a front and center role. I was willing to pray, lend support in the smaller ways without leading worship, giving talks, etc.

I also found it funny that they had "applications" handed out for anyone that wanted to be part of the ministry. I took one, because I wanted to let them know I wanted to pray for them.

As I somehow always get myself into this kind of a situation, I got appointed the head worship leader.

I went from wanting to pray for them to being the one that's going to be in charge of the worship band.

Thanks?

The guy that told me about my newly appointed role said that it will probably put me out of my comfort zone, being the worship leader. Okay. Side note. My literal first impression when he told me that my role will probably put me out of my comfort zone was this: what, are you going to make me do janitorial work or something? For real! That's what I thought! Haha. How disrespectful of me. But anyway, I'll somewhat agree with that, I guess. I wasn't anticipating on investing more into this ministry than being a prayer warrior or whatever; but I guess they want me to lead, meaning I have to invest more into it than I hoped. I forget if I wrote that I've lead worship for several years; so while leading worship can always be uncomfortable, I wonder if they know that I have a bit of experience there. Regardless though, that probably doesn't really matter anyway as I try to approach every new ministry like I'm doing something for the first time - and it's important to do so in all aspects of life!

As of right now, I'm cool with it. I just hope that my time and schedules are able to line up so that I won't be halfassing this commitment. Because, quite frankly, if they trust me to be the worship leader, then I have to follow through with it. So, I guess that this means I'll get to lead all the worship I want for the rest of the school year. Usually, I'll be playing/leading twice a month at SGAC. And now, with this ministry taking off, we'll see where it goes.

This could be the start of something good; or it just might be another small step that will allow me to further expand my ministry experience. Either way, I'm glad that there are people that still think I'm worth something.

.. Wait. This means I have to start practicing guitar again. Dang. I'm rusty. And when I say I'm rusty, I mean I AM rusty - my callouses aren't even there anymore.

Eleventh Hour

... Or eleventh month, whichever works for you.

First order of business, as always, I must listen to music when I blog. Today, I'm listening to T-Swizzle's new album. "22" is probably my favorite song at the moment.

Last week, during an opening prayer before class, my prof said something really true. He said that Novembers are usually times that feel either like we're in a desert or we're drowning. I found that saying so profound, I nearly shouted out in the middle of his prayer "AMEN!" But I didn't, because I have amazing self-control. LOL

Anyway, I need to step up my game. A month ago, I said I'd have a couple topics to write about, and I still haven't gotten to them yet. So good, right?! Unfortunately, as time has dragged on, I've felt less and less a desire to write them; so I guess I'll just put them on hold until I actually want to write because if I'm writing for the sake of writing, it won't turn out the way I want it to.

So now that October has come and gone, I don't really know what I did for the entire month. I know that the game timer says that I've invested over 40 hours total into Pokemon White 2, so I guess I put some good time into that game. Some time during the last month, I also received an email that was an invitation to test the beta for the new StarCraft 2 expansion Heart of the Swarm. I was honestly so excited. I've played some games on it, but it's really hard to get used to. It also demands more from my computer, so I don't want to play it too much in the fear of overheating. It looks promising though.

I've finished several papers that ranged from a solid A to a C-. Okay, I'm going to step aside and talk about my C- paper. It makes no sense, that in a class of seven people, writing a paper that is about each of our own lives and our ministry "profiles" can warrant marks only in the C range. We were all ripped apart for things that we wrote about ourselves. I was so offended at first because I thought it was only me, but apparently we all felt the same way. And after having a couple of my classmates talk to the prof about why he arrived at those marks, all he gave was basically like the NHL labour talks: a whole lot of talk, but no real substance. So, basically, we all got C's on papers that we wrote about ourselves. We're not perfect, but you don't have to rip us apart for how we feel about things in ministry just because they don't match up with what you think or aren't refined yet since we're still in school. Okay, enough venting. Haha.

On the topic of education, I don't know how many people I've told, but this is generally what my next year or so will look like. I'll finish this year in April, like everyone else. Depending on how my internship situation goes, I'm going to begin interning as early as May, and going through to Christmas of 2013. After that, I'm going to come back to Ambrose for one more semester to graduate. This is assuming that everything goes as planned. There shouldn't be any problems, but because my school is so small, I always have some fear of things not being processed because the administration is so poor, and some courses that I need aren't even offered when I need to take them. So, hopefully, things work out and I'll be out of here by Spring of 2014. If my graduation gets delayed a year, I won't be very happy; and neither will my parents and the elder board of NEAC.

In the news of other areas, I don't think I really have anything exciting to write about. Whenever Christmas pops into my mind, of course it's going to make me want to go shopping. So, yesterday, I went to the mall and bought myself a couple of shirts for a relatively cheap price. I used the excuse of needing to fill up gas to go to the mall. I am somewhat disappointed that I didn't walk away with more because I don't go shopping too much anymore, and that there were a couple stores that I usually like shopping at but they didn't exist at Chinook. However, I'm stoked to be going home this long weekend and hopefully paying a good visit to the new Simon's' store at WEM! STOKED!

Hey you! You look beautiful today! Yes, I am talking about you (= No, stop speculating on who it is, I'm talking to you!

Inverted

I got the awesome privilege of leading worship for the first time at my current church in Calgary. Aside from tripping over a couple of words, I was feeling quite good about the experience.

However, there were some technicalities that I felt rather strange about.

Everything was inverted!

What do I mean?

After having lead worship for several years, I got accustomed to the way the stage is usually set up. As all worship leaders should, I usually stand somewhere near the middle of the stage so I can make good contact with everyone. I had my leading instruments almost always to my right. Lead instruments usually included piano/keys and drum. As I rely heavily on those two instruments to drive the music, I got pretty used to looking back that way when I needed to. Hand gestures or whatever also got pretty good for me as I could pause my strumming for a couple of beats to signal something, and it was pretty straight forward. And generally speaking, I had my own space where I got to lead from - my own bubble, so to speak. In my space, I usually set my music stand to the left, and my mic stand to the right. This allows me an unobstructed view at my lyrics in the case that I need to remember some words. Having the mic stand to the right really allows me to continue singing even if, like I mentioned, I need to give some signals. So that is basically the setup that I usually use.

Today, though, I felt like everything was a violation of what I am so used to. My percussionist was directly behind me and slightly to the left; so looking back, giving signals, and any of that kind of stuff felt really strange as I didn't want to let go of the chord I was strumming to show something. On top of that, I had to share my music stand with the other singer, who was so kind to help sing. But the problem was she was right in my bubble! I didn't have the liberty to "move and groove" like I usually do. So, in that sense, I did feel like I had to hold back at the very least a little bit. My mic stand was on my left, and my music was to my right (since I needed to share it). I'm so not used to seeing my music to the right that I found myself trying to look through my mic stand in order to get to my music sometimes. This thing with looking at music is a nuance that I think a lot of guitarists can relate to. Just like nuances for people when they play piano and drums or whatever else. When I play guitar, I can look to my left a lot easier because my left hand is the one that is changing chords; so it will be natural that I can take a quick peak down to the left to make sure my hands are in the right position. That really took attention from singing the songs and into trying to get the words right. So basically, the set up on this stage was inverted from what I am used to.

I've realized how lucky I was to have access to so much space on the stage though. At SGAC, the worship team is basically pushed to a little corner because if they were anymore central-staged, they would be blocking the projector.

Also, I know we complain about equipment, cables not working, monitors not good, a bad sound board, etc. But, I think I'm just going to go into every worship thinking that there could always be worse. I don't get to lead the way I'm "comfortable" with when I'm leading here, but I think that's why it is so cool being able to lead in a different environment.

I think that aside from one occasion at YIC in my senior year of high school, I've lead basically the same way at NEAC and at CCBC. So, now that I've gotten my first experience out of the way, and even though I sang songs that pretty much no one knew, it was pretty awesome.

Uneasy

Some time back in September, I asked the head pastor of the English congregation at SGAC for some help with homework. He said that he'd be glad to help, but preferred to get together sooner rather than later. I was excited because I have a lot of respect for him as a person and I always want to hear what he has to say about something. Since this assignment wasn't due until later October, I said that it wasn't a rush for him to commit some time out of his busy week to meet with me; but regardless, he suggested that we got together sooner.

And so we did, got together with the other English pastor, for a lunch and they answered all my questions.

Today, the church found out that the elder board and the head English pastor has agreed to part ways. I wasn't quite sure what to think of it when the announcement came. Early in the service, it was announced that we should stay behind afterward for an important announcement that was going to be made by the elder board.

Originally, I was going to write my empowerment post tonight; but, this topic has really bothered me the entire day since finding out. So, in order to get some of my thoughts out, I will recollect the morning a little bit.

I have to admit that I wasn't exactly sure how to react, partly because I didn't really sense many reactions from the rest of the people. I almost want to think that people were so shocked that they couldn't respond at all. Quite honestly, although it caught me off guard, I can't say that I was really surprised to see the parting of ways. Given the situation that the elder board described the situation of the church moving forward, I can understand the decision. That doesn't mean, however, that it really softened the blow.

It wasn't until after we were dismissed when I started to see some reactions from people. I kind of took it really badly and just left without notice. Even though I can understand the move, I was, and still am, very upset. First of all, you just never want to see people go like this - especially with pastors, whose jobs are to connect with people. So, when pastors leave, it's not taken well because of the relationships that they create with their church. Secondly, I really looked up to this pastor. I have so much respect for who he is as a person and as a pastor that it really stung for me to only have gotten a little over a year to get to know him.

I had spent three consecutive weekends away from SGAC, with last week being my first week back. I had found it strange that even though the head pastor wasn't in charge of anything specific, but he still wasn't around. When I started to piece things together, everything began to make sense. He wanted to get to helping me with my homework earlier because he had to have been in the final processes of making this decision to step down when I approached him. So, in order to still be polite, he was willing to help. And with the accounts of not being at church for the two weeks since I came back, I can't even imagine the amount of distractions there'd be if I knew I was leaving, but still had to minister.

So I'm incredibly upset, and probably will be for quite a while. I'm not going to talk about the reason(s) for this change in the church because that will include a lot of speculation based on my observations, which might lead to some false assumptions - and those would be bad. But basically, based on what I have seen and observed, I understand the move. So, while I'm upset, it's not as devastating as it could have been; and who knows, I might have even matured a little bit to a point where I don't want to let these emotions affect me too much - especially given the very real possibility of me being in a similar position in the future.

You never want to see good people leave; but, the reality is that they do. So, I want to thank Ps. Ken for all that he's done for SGAC, everything from before I arrived to the year that I got to spend hearing his heart for God.

I think it's just going to have to be one of the times where I just sit here for a long enough time, let everything soak in, and then get up and move on. There's nothing that can be done, so there's no use sulking.

Redeemed

Thanksgiving is technically over, but I got a little preoccupied with playing StarCraft. Haha. However, I will still blog about Thanksgiving!

Normally, I try to be rather witty with my Thanksgiving-related blogs; but this time, I think I've got something to be real thankful for.

Last year, around this time, I had a visit to someone's house. It was a really fun visit; we talked about all-things church related, and even had dinner. After dinner, it was getting late and it was about time for me to head back to school. The drive to his house took me a little over half an hour, so it was a bit of a trek. About five minutes into my drive after leaving his house, I noticed a red light that was turned on when I looked at my dashboard. It looked like some kind of battery light, but I didn't think much of it because I had never seen such a thing before. It was exactly that, having never seen such a thing before, that probably changed the rest of my school year. A few minutes later, at a stop light, the light turns green, and as I pressed on the gas, my car didn't want to go. I was confused, so I pushed a little more, resulting in a loud revving noise from the engine. I was almost in a state of shock, at this point, seeing that my car didn't want to go.

And it finally hit me, that the light that had come on must've meant something. The remaining half hour of the drive became one of the worst nightmares in my life that had become real. As I kept driving, the car felt weaker and weaker by the minute. With still about five minutes left in the commute, it had gotten to a point where all my lights were gone, dashboard frozen, and I was literally driving in the dark. I flipped my hazards on, praying that my car can make it uphill back to school. By the grace of God, I managed to pull into the school parking lot. And as I turned off the car, I rested my head on the steering wheel for about five minutes, thinking about what could have just happened if my car didn't make it.

Before I stepped out of the car, I tried to start the car again. And to my expectation, the car didn't start - it couldn't, there was no turnover. Having never experienced this before, I walked back to my room as angry as I had been in years. On one hand, I was so grateful that I got back to school; but on the other hand, I couldn't understand why my car had to go through that. Eventually, after some time, all the issues were resolved, and my car was able to drive again.

Little did I know, that that little spurt of anger was what began to be the biggest collapse in my spiritual faith that I had ever experienced. Almost every aspect in my life began to free fall, falling out of favor in almost every regard. Within a month, I was on the brink of walking away from God, from Christianity. The only thing that kept me tied down was the fact that I was at a Bible college - ironic, isn't it?

By the time Christmas rolled around, I cannot even come close to expressing the amount of relief I had as I drove past the "Welcome to Edmonton" sign as I began my Christmas holiday. At that point, I was so far away from God that I would purposefully find reasons to attack his integrity and sovereignty. For example, the relief to me was the feeling of liberation from the hellhole that God had put me in which was Calgary, only to be cynical about what sort of terrible things would happen to me over the break.

All I really did was keep living. Eventually, a broken heart was mended, and wounds healed. Scars remain, and my self-confidence is still shaky; but I am standing on my feet once again.

This October, I am thankful, not for having gone through such a time in my life where it made me stronger, but the fact that God refused to give up on me even when I intentionally attacked his character, bashfully criticized his goodness, insulting his love, and was about to return the gift that he had freely given me when I did not even deserve it in the first place. I look back at the year now, and I am quite embarrassed for the way I had acted. It took weeks of solitude, where I had removed myself from anything that would remind me of the evils that had knocked me down, in order for me to give this thing another try. I'm thankful to all the friends that were willing to watch me rip everything apart, tear it all down, and help me pick up all the pieces scattered everywhere and rebuild them with me.

And lastly, I am thankful that when I'm blinded from the ways that are pure and righteous, there God stands to carry me through the darkness until I am able to see again.

Happy Thanksgiving! (=

Getting There

I've now come home two weeks straight - pretty awesome, if you ask me. I didn't tell anyone that I was coming home last week; so of course, I caught several people by surprise. It's always neat to know that people at least somewhat care about you by knowing when you're supposed to be back and when you're not. Nevertheless, I enjoyed my weekend home last week; and now, I get to do it all over again!

I was quite looking forward to coming home this weekend. I'm looking forward to the turkey tomorrow! Also, even though I dread driving by myself for long distances, the drives definitely do seem a lot shorter now that I've probably driven back and forth from Edmonton to Calgary upwards of 20 or 30 times in the last three years. This weekend, I had a couple friends accompany me on the way up too, so that helped even more with killing time. Lastly, I have to thank my car for holding up. I push the little guy so hard, I always get scared that it's going to die again. Don't get me wrong, the life isn't going to last me a whole lot longer; but it's definitely got enough to get me past this year, I think.

Onto the obligatory school news, assignment deadlines are definitely starting to surface. I handed in a review on an article about liberation theology this past week and got an A, so I'm quite glad about it, given the fact that I waited until the night before to do it. Oops. I'm a notorious slow starter with school work and such, as you already know, so I'm really glad that my first couple assignments have come and gone, and now I can really get into the groove of nailing down papers and other things that I need to do.

Also, I was apparently to lead worship this weekend at South Gate Alliance. But because I'm back home, I needed someone to cover for me; so unfortunately, I will have to wait a bit more until I get my first crack at leading worship at SGAC. Honestly, I'm quite nervous about it. I've never lead worship at this church, and since people don't really know me very much, I'm not sure how they will respond to my leading style. I just hope that it isn't so much about me on the stage, but focusing on what is the real matter at hand. So, I'm nervous, but I'm excited!

Finally, if I don't write again in the next couple days, happy Thanksgiving to everyone! This isn't one of the two things I said I wanted to write about, but I'm going to get to them soon! I just have to find a time and place where I can sit down for an hour or so, and just spill it all out.

This song has been on repeat over the last month or so. Even if you don't like this type of music, I think it's worth a listen!

Distant Future: Big Topics!

For anyone that cares, I've been lining up a couple of topics that I'm going to write about. So far, I have two topics that are pretty set, and have a good framework as well. I guarantee that they'll be rather long because I'll be exhausting most of what I know and feel toward the two topics. So, hopefully they'll make my blog a little less dull in that it's not just about me whining about how my life is so boring!

The two topics that are first up are: empowerment and stories.

They are pretty different topics, but they are two things that have taken over my life in the last couple of years.

So, keep on the lookout! I'll try to get them up as soon as I can!

Kiddy Pool

I have no idea why "Kiddy Pool" is the title, it just is. Maybe because as I am typing this, there's a bunch of first years sitting outside my room in the hallway talking about girls. I am almost embarrassed for them. They've been at school for three weeks and they're already talking about potentially dating some of the girls around here. I don't have any way to describe our freshmen other than to say that they are teenagers. It's amazing how shallow they can be.

Yes, that is not a very nice way to talk about some first year students, but these are the people that I have the least amount of patience for. Not trying to say that I'm smart, but listening to some of the things they say just make me think that there is nothing between their ears. I didn't find last year's first year students this way at all. So I'm not entirely sure why this group is so... kiddy-like, or childish I guess.

On a different note, we've had two and a half weeks of class into this fall semester! So far, I'm quite fond of all my classes. My friend described it really well the other day: the best classes are the ones where you feel like you're just going to church everyday instead of school. I can't agree more with that statement. I find that my favorite classes are the ones where I just go sit down, listen, and not feel stupid because of how intellectual some of the discussions are. It's awesome.

Now, they're talking about setting each other up on blind dates. "I'd pick a cutie for you."

There's one thing that's been impressed on my mind for the last month or so, and it's really gotten me thinking about certain things. Ever since the end of summer camp, I've been revisiting the whole experience in my mind; and when I do, another event that occurred several years back kind of parallels it.

The two events were both worship related, but the similarities that run through my mind are so incredibly similar that I've been trying to dissect it, but unable to do so. Maybe I'll write about them tomorrow, or a different time.

I really want to take a dive into the deep end of some of these guys' heads. Perhaps I'm being mean, but sometimes I think that there isn't a deep end.

Season of Life

It's a Saturday night, and I have no intentions on doing anything productive, so why not blog a little? And as I listen to Cher Lloyd's sweet new single, Oath, I'll just pretend that my opinion matters, and comment on a few things that have caught my eye!

The first thing that aches me the most is the NHL lockout that has now been in session for just over an hour. I am not taking the side of the owners nor the players. I think that both sides are being difficult and just complete idiots. I don't need to say anything about commissioner Bettmen, because we all know he's not the brightest bulb in the box; but he's basically locking out the league for trying to fix a problem that he tried to fix seven years ago. As for the players, they're just being selfish and greedy. The players are asking for a 57% share of the income. When you compare that number to the 48-50% that players in the NBA and MLB get, which by the way are much larger markets, it just seems a little outrageous. I would have no issue if the players' association and NHL are actually listening to each other and their offers, but they're making counter offers based on their own previous proposals. Who does that?! Just absolute ignorance! I went through this once in Grade 9, and I don't want to go through it again.

I have no idea when this issue will get resolved; so while I wait, I'm going to attempt to fill the large void inside of me through various ways which are currently unknown to me. If I were to make a rough estimate on when there will be NHL hockey again, my optimistic answer is mid to late November. But it's okay! According to Gary Bettman, the NHL has the greatest fans in the world - in other words, recovering from all the lost money will not be a problem because the fans are mere doormats.

A second topic of discussion came up today in a conversation that I had. My response is pretty simple and straight forward: no, two years of Bible college has not meant that I now have a girlfriend. It's quite simple, I haven't really been pursuing this aspect of my life. I would be lying if I said I never think about it, but I just don't think that I've cared enough to be actively chasing after "potential candidates" or however you want to coin that term. Having learned more about the topic of love has really allowed me to gain a better understanding of what it means for me to be lucky enough to have a girl that would love me and for me to love her.

Relationships last a life time because you choose to love people - it applies to more than just husband or wife, just people in general - so this "falling" in love seems kind of bogus to me. It might seem like you get hit with a sudden wave of affection for someone, but it's because you've unconsciously allowed yourself to be blown away by him or her. So with that in mind, I kind of get the sense that when I can stop being a wuss and get out there a little bit, it'll come. I don't believe that God has prepared one person, and one person only, for me (or you, for that matter), it comes with the same idea as choosing to love the people in your life, so I do think that there can be multiple possibilities for each person. However, I can say in good confidence though, that if you ask people who have been married for many years, they would choose the same spouse every time, even knowing that there was possibility that they could have ended up with someone else.

I should also note that people should not get all worked up about not being able to find a girl or a guy for them, because God wants for you to find the perfect person so much more than you could even imagine. So I don't think we should lose hope or have fear of being alone, and it shouldn't be something we worry about. Rather, we should be excited, because God is going to provide for you everyone you need in order to live life to the best of your ability.

Man, I never thought I'd write about my love life in this fashion. Haha.

The last thing I'm going to talk about is my money management. I've always been someone that doesn't spend often; but when I do, I blow a huge amount. Everything I do, I do it big. Right? Haha. Just kidding. (I figured that since I referenced the Dos Equis commercial, I might as well reference a song as well) Right now, I am under tremendous temptations to be spending approximately $1000, or more. Normally, I just shoot these temptations out of my mind because I look at my bank account and I realize that it's not even remotely possible for me to spend any kind of money on a semi-large purchase. But because my bank account, at this moment, has sustained an amount that is larger than what I'm accustomed to, in the back of my mind, I am trying to justify buying certain things that I may not really have a need for - at least not at this point in time. Another factor that comes into the picture for when I make purchases is the ability for someone to somehow ALWAYS make me feel guilty about the money I just spent.

I've learned, from my previous spending past, of the certain things that is okay for me to spend a lot on and others that I really shouldn't be spending much on. A prime example is a house: you want to buy one as soon as you can. The flip side to that, some may argue, is a car: most cars have terrible resale value, and generally aren't the greatest investments considering what they do. Therefore, outside of reliable, I wouldn't spend much more on a car. So with me, still learning how to be independent, I'm going to see very soon how much self control I'll have in spending unnecessary money. So at this point, I think the chances of me getting my loop pedal (which would stick with me for the rest of my life - or for as long as I'm playing music, which is basically my whole life) is much higher than the chances of me getting a new computer (only to be upgraded for a better machine in a few years). Only if I were crazy, which some might say that I am, would I buy both. In the case that I did buy both, that would amount to $1000 or more.

I have to apologize for not following all the presidential speeches and stuff, so I can't comment on any of those items. =D

Hope everyone enjoys the last several days of summer!

Not Dead, Yet

So I felt the need to write up my obligatory first week, first impressions type of deal. I still have yet to attend two of my five classes this course because they are only one-day-a-week-double-block courses. "Team leadership in multiple staffed ministries" and "Alliance history and thought" will be the two three hour classes I have tomorrow beginning at 2:30 and ending at 9:30. That's an insane time to be doing classes.

With that being said, after "looking" at the syllabi that I've received for my courses so far, only one word has been popping into my mind continually: overwhelming.

Although I am really excited about my courses (minus Greek), they all look like a lot of work (especially Greek). "Theology from the margins" is my favorite class so far, and I would say it's safe to assume that it will be my favorite class by the end of the term. The only unfortunate thing is the amount of reading that I have to do in all my classes. I guess I should also add on that, while I can still live with a ton of reading, what I don't like is having to write a review on the reading. I'm the type of person that, rather than just dissecting every detail the author writes about and criticizing it, I like to digest it over a long period of time, really sit on the content, and then draw my conclusions.

And while I do think the workload is heavy, I didn't think, for a second, that any of it was unmanageable (except Greek). I felt that if I got off my lazy ass and pushed myself hard enough to see a routine in my school work, I could get things done at a reasonable pace. There's always people talking about treating school like a 9-5 job, and having it work pretty well. I thought about trying to do that, but I think it'd end up like New Years resolutions for me: start it, but quit a week in.

Alright, "what's the deal with Greek" you ask? I'll tell you exactly what is up. First of all, I was quite choked when my friend told me he was considering dropping Greek, and ultimately doing so. Having already lost a couple class members from last year, it meant that our class total was down to four. I leaned heavily on my friend last year to get me through Greek, so not having him with me this time around is going to suck. Plus, since the class is so small, the school decided to squish us in and combine with a seminary class. And since our prof likes teaching seminary more so than undergrad, he treats his class more like a seminary class - this obviously means more work. I already have a tough time remember all the words and such, but the prof just kind of assumes you know things and he goes on with his lesson, taking about 50 million rabbit trails in a class.

Did I also mention that it's an 8:00am, three hour class?

Well, this Greek course, studying Hebrews, definitely seems way too much for me; I even considered switching and doing six credits in Hebrew to fulfill my requirements. At this point, I'm still unsure; but I'm going to have to make a choice really quickly here.

And in other news, I'm glad to be back. Even in an anti-social person like myself, I am finding the good things of being here (which is a really good sign), and I have to really push myself this year to focus more on schooling. This means I'm not going to try for the soccer team anymore. I had an informal talk with one of the leaders on our team, and he tried to get me to join; and as much as I want to, I really shouldn't.

So, yeah. Week one updated, just like that!

I love having my own room <3 p="p">
Hope everyone is doing well! =D

Breakout

After what seemed like a pretty hectic few days, I have made my way back into Calgary. In case anyone cared, I'll give a quick update on my education status - partly because it'll help serve as a good reminder to myself.

On Wednesday, I'll be starting my third year at Ambrose. It will be my fourth year of post-secondary, and my fifth year out of high school. It's crazy how once you leave the grade school system that anyone can literally fly every which way in their education and still end up in extremely similar situations in the work force.

I know that my second year was a pretty bad year - "bad" is probably an understatement - so I have been spending the last couple nights to try to refresh myself in a way that I can enter this third year as I did my first year. It was a freshness that I forgot about, that I forgot existed, and it was so important because it was vital to me as a person in helping me succeed in things that I did. And while I'll be cheesy and say that I still have scars leftover from last year, I am approaching this third year much like I did my first year. With some luck, I'll be able to have a pretty good year.

In other exciting news, I was half nervous about my new roommate when I got to school today. To my surprise, I was told that my roommate isn't coming. So guess what that means?! I get my own room (for this semester, at the least)! I am so incredibly stoked. Truthfully, I probably prefer a roommate, because then that would force me to get to know someone; but I'm not going to complain if I have everything to myself for a change. And thus, I'll be decorating my room over the next couple days to make everything as comfortable as it needs to be. If anyone is in Calgary, feel free to help. Haha.

And so that's that. I have a bit of a runny nose and cough, so I'll go to bed now in hopes that I'll feel better by the time school starts.

Good luck to everyone starting something new this September!

The Prospect of Vancouver

I'm going to totally sound like a douche, but it must be said.

It's past midnight, and we're going home tomorrow. I dread long drives, especially when they take the entire day. I even wonder if the reason I don't ever want to leave Vancouver is because I hate sitting in the car for so long. Regardless, after a slight tug-of-war, we've decided to stick to the plan and go home tomorrow. This will give me one day at home to prepare for another year in Calgary.

Where did the summer go? Honestly.

Every time our family goes to Vancouver, we're asked when we'll be moving down. Of course, the question never really gets answered. My siblings and I have always given the impression that we want to move to Vancouver. At the time we're asked to move down, it's always going to end up being that we want to - seriously, we just had an awesome time, who'd say no? And whether that desire to migrate lasts or not, I think it's important to look at the whole picture.

Whenever we go on vacation to Vancouver, our rather large family will always be getting together - almost daily - in order to accommodate us. We always get the impression that the daily life is always like this: all the cousins, aunts, and uncles, will pick someone's house to have dinner and just do cool things all day. Reality is, if we're not in town, they probably go about their own business and do their own things. There really isn't a whole lot of getting together. Which is why, we're all so high on ourselves when we're gathered, we want the whole family to be in once place. And while I do want our family to be easily accessible, it's not always going to look as sparkly as it does when we're visiting.

So, I do feel that when we eventually cave and move down, there's going to be a time where the party dies down; and there's going to be a period of confusion, and eventually disappointment at why the families don't hang out as much. Realistically, these extreme highs are simply unsustainable right now. And while it's important that we do have these times of joy, we should hold out until we get to heaven to go all out. Because, then, we'll know for sure that it'll last and we'll never get disappointed in having to leave or wondering why there's a period of time where we're just doing our own thing rather than getting together.

I've thought really hard on whether or not I would actually want to live in Vancouver right now. My answer is no. Other than my family, I really don't have any connections down here aside from a couple friends. It would be tough for me, especially since I haven't graduated and work full time yet.

But forgetting everything I've said, I've had an amazing two weeks in Vancouver; and I hope that I feel refreshed enough to be ready for school!

Happy birthday, mom!

Beautiful B.C.

Hi! I'm in Coquitlam right now. Last night, my brother, sister, and I flew into Vancouver; and this is where we'll be situated for the rest of August.

It's crazy, but I haven't been in Vancouver, or seen my cousins, for any extended amount of time for four years! The last time I was in Vancouver for more than a day or two was in 2008, when I did my internship with UrbanPromise. Oddly enough, that was also when I started this blog. So basically, other than a couple weddings that I came down for, I haven't been in Vancouver ever since I started this little bad boy!

Anyway, my family will be spending the rest of our summer holidays here, partly to celebrate a big milestone for my mother. To be quite honest, I don't know if I'd be here if it wasn't for my mom's big birthday. I would probably still be working, doing AIA camps at Alberta Beach. However, I am here, and I'm very glad that I get to see this beautiful city again, on top of visiting my cousins.

It's going to be busy, so I hope I am not too tired at the end of this trip; I really need to have enough energy to start school! I really want to get off on a good step this year, so I'll need to be refreshed and ready to go!

That's about all, for now. I totally thought I had more to write, but this is it! Haha.

August Rush - Musings Pt. 5

I don't think this will be a long blog in any way, shape, or form.

All I want to do is to thank SEAC for such an amazing week for my own personal life. I know that the week was, first and foremost, for the kids - and it should be that way. But now that it's over, and I'm back at home, I've realized what an incredible week it was for myself as well.

I don't think I've felt so refreshed, and have so much hope in me in a very long time. I honestly didn't really know what to expect going into the camp this week. I knew it would've at the very least began in a very awkward fashion for me. The biggest factors were that, 1) I'm going in as a coach, but I haven't been with this group at all this year, so it'd be strange to see what the dynamics were like; 2) Since I didn't know the group other than one coach, I'd feel more like a volunteer with more responsibilities than a coach, but being not from the church, I'd basically be an outsider.

And admittedly so, I was a bit timid at the beginning; but I did my best to cover it up. And I also have to say that it's so good to see some faces that I haven't seen in a year or so. I had a lot of fun coaching SEAC last year; so when I saw that more or less every volunteer was back, I was pretty stoked to see how the past year had affected who they were as people.

By the way, I am currently typing this on a Razer BlackWidow mechanical keyboard - I love it =D

Anyway, with just the way the week went, everything seemed to have turned out the best that it possibly could have. The kids were great, I fit in pretty well with the coaches, and it was just an all-around stellar week. I can't really put into words how much joy had filled me as I got to hang out with the kids and the volunteers. Some of the kids that returned from last year had taken some huge steps forward into becoming much more mature people; and that in itself put a huge smile on my face.

It was also really neat to see the same bunch of dorks that came back to volunteer. I really loved how much fun this group was. They made my job so easy, and I almost feel bad that I get paid to coach, and all they got were mosquito bites and tanned skin for their hard work.

It's just too bad that the amazing week will always have to feel too short. And now that it's over with, it's time to go back to life. And as always, there is sadness in leaving all the joy that I had throughout the week. The kids were great, the volunteers were stellar, and the weather was just perfect.

I am so glad that I left SEAC on a good note. I probably won't be back next year to do another camp; heck, I didn't even think I'd be there this year, but serendipity had allowed me another chance to leave something behind. I don't know how many times I'll be able to visit this church over the next few years; but I definitely feel like I have some unfinished business here.

The only thing is that I don't know if it'll ever be finished before the opportunity is gone. Circumstances just don't allow for things to go certain ways at times; so trying to reach for something that isn't attainable, or just isn't there, is probably not the best idea.

In search of incredible, I found heaven.

August Rush - Musings Pt. 4

My week(ish) of going crazy over what I currently feel about NEAC has come and gone, it seems. So that probably explains the break in my streak of blogging consecutive days. However, that doesn't really mean that I stop thinking. Haha. That sounds kind of funny.

I really enjoyed a week off to just watch the Olympics and stay at home for a little bit. Since Monday, I've been coaching soccer camps at SEAC. I think I can honestly say that even though it's a bit strange for me to kind of just hop onto a team that's been together for a month and a half, it's been my most enjoyable week of soccer camps since Athabasca of last year.

It's so great to reconnect with some of the people at this church, and I always marvel at how, even though I don't live in Edmonton anymore, this community has always been down here while I still attended church up north. I'll admit that my past experiences with SEAC haven't been the best; but I really do believe they have a very strong community here - a community much stronger and healthier than NEAC.

On Monday night, I had the privilege to play in a rec league game for SEAC. It was a bit awkward because apparently they have two teams, and one of the teams that was supposed to play in the north side got cancelled; so they showed up at the second team's game, the one I was at, and there were about 25 people, not including the 4 AIA coaches. So I felt really bad playing, and I only played one shift of about 10 minutes. At first thought, I wanted to think that these SEAC people are really good at soccer. Admittedly so, I didn't pay too much attention to them in the game because I was fooling around on the side.

But after their rec game, the 25 or so people decided to play another game for fun. And it was then that I was able to actually get some soccer in. While their skill level is not top tier, most of the people can run; and they have a few players that are really good! So I loved that I got to match myself up to see how I compared to their best guys. And to my surprise, I think I did pretty well! I wasn't going all out, but I tried hard enough to know that I can keep up with other people.

I did the whole "skill comparing" thing because I realized that in the last few years, the only soccer I've really played was with my own church. And while that's not a problem, I didn't really have benchmarks to see if I was actually any good or not. So again, I have to insert the whole conclusion about how, in terms of skill, I'm pretty good, but because of my conditioning, I can't do squat! Haha.

On a different note, I'll go back to just venting out a bit of what's been on my mind.

I know that everyone longs for things. I've longed for things all my life. In fact, I think that my desires are so strong, that if they were anywhere close to average, I'd be a failure in life - an actual failure. My drive for certain things is about the only thing I can really credit any accomplishment I have in my life.

But the thing is that it's so weird how sometimes you can be longing for something so much, but feeling so hopeless about it. If it were something related to music, or soccer, or whatever, I'd have no issues dealing with it. If I wanted to learn a song or learn a new trick, I'd practice until I could do it, and do it well. But then there's other random things that I want so badly, but then when it comes for a time to man up, I just basically go "no way." And then I'll go on to come up with the stupidest excuses, be all depressed about it, and blah blah blah.

If I had to pinpoint this to something, I guess I'd have to say that it's all in experience. If I have no experience in something, I'll be so hesitant to get started.

And I'm the kind of guy to just ignore the fact that I am a total chicken when it comes to doing things that I am not comfortable doing; so it'll remain like this for a very long time.

Oh well.

August Rush - Musings Pt. 3

I think I need to mention that, while everything seems really depressing and crappy, it's not really that at all. In my opinion, the great things in life are the ones that are really tough to put into words, tough to describe. From what I've experienced in my time, most positive happenings are often the ones that leave people speechless; whereas on the contrary, when you mention something that draws a negative response, people can ramble on and on about them.

In that case, this is partly why I've been writing the things that I have. My life is fantastic. And I'm someone that has such high standards, that I'll pry open every weakness and every minor detail in order to get to where I think things need to go. I really do think that a large majority of people are just content with 'okay'. There is nothing wrong with just getting by or just being okay, it's a Gen Y thing. People are encouraged to live life to the fullest because we don't really have much time to be worrying about all the things we can't control - I am a believer in this as well.

And so, that is why a lot of these things I'm writing do seem pretty negative. I'm really just getting to the core of how everything works and trying to improve and get better. Perfection is unattainable on earth, but excellence is.

This one will be worth the read.

-= Part 3 =- The Good and The Bad

First of all, I have to mention that I am very proud to have grown up in NEAC. This church has largely made me into the person that I am today. I'm very grateful for all the people I've met, all the opportunities I've had, and all the experiences I've been fortunate enough to see.

A lot of people in this church are incredibly gifted in all areas of life. If I kind of geographically sort out all the people I've met and know, there are many that are fantastic at certain tasks. Few are good at many things. The people who are just amazing at everything are rather spread out all over the place. In NEAC, I would definitely label multiple people in that "multi-talented" category.

Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on how you look at it), God is a very fair god. A lot of people that are really good at life will find that needing to try at something is rare. I am someone that is a prime example of this; and because I am, I'll use myself as an example.

I'm not world class in any one task/skill, nor do I have any world class traits as a person. But God's given me the ability to learn, and be driven to learn. As a result, I can do anything I set my mind to. So just by looking at my life, the only reason I'm known to be a good musician or a semi-decent soccer player is because I've spent a lot of time refining my abilities and honing my skills. There's a ton of other things where I may have tried it, got okay at it, but just didn't really feel for it, so I dumped it.

This is the number one problem I see with NEAC. We have a lot of skills at the church, but people just don't give a damn; and the ones that do, they're forced to do everything. It just doesn't work like that. So when the pastor comes up one Sunday morning to preach the guilt trip sermon into getting people to serve, they do it begrudgingly and out of obligation. There's no heart in that, so that's why it never lasts.

There's also people I know in NEAC that may not be as skilled, but they have all the heart and all the willingness to serve. But because there's a rift, a lot of the people that do have the ability will look at these select few and laugh at them for their silliness.

I've already written quite a bit, and I feel that I spent way too much time talking about things that we already know. So I guess I'll move on.

Here's the part where I feel like I could get in trouble for saying. When you look at any organization in the world, whether the church or some huge corporate company, the biggest and usually the main reason for why it succeeds is because of the people up top - the big guns, so to speak. So I'm not sure how much more I have to say for you to see where I'm going to be going with this.

I know at least one person who is currently in the leadership of the church that thinks the same things I do about our church. I now know that this person, a few years ago, pushed for things to go in a certain direction, but it never worked out. So when I look at it now, it's almost never going to happen.

If we just analyze the current state of our church, it's quite plain to see. As of now, our Cantonese congregation is by far the largest group in our church. They probably make up two-thirds of the population. The English side is the smaller side, and there are the kids. On first look, you'd put most of the resources in developing the Cantonese ministry just based on its size.

And when you look at the demographics, you'll see that much of the Cantonese side is aging. This is to be expected because most of these Cantonese speaking members are the parents and grandparents of the English congregation's members. So as progression naturally happens, you would think that there should be a passing of the torch at some point in time, where the English side will eventually yield the leaders of the church.

So depending on who the people among leadership are, some may want to focus on the now, while others will want to invest in where the church is going to be. I think it's always smart to do everything possible to ensure that you get where you should go properly. While others may disagree, which is totally fine, it's hard to argue because it just makes no sense to satisfy the now and then have those in the future correct all the stupid mistakes you made with little or no help at all.

Therefore, if I was in a position, I would do everything in my power to make sure that most of the resources are invested into the English congregation here at NEAC. It's a growing congregation that will eventually be the one that leads this church. The simple notion of having elder board meetings done in English instead of Cantonese is a way of seeing that transition already taking place.

But wait, here's where it gets tricky. Already having mentioned that the English congregation is the one thats on the rise and growing, I have another question. Is it really growing? In what ways? Quantity? Quality? I don't see any of it. What I see is a congregation stuck in a rut, becoming stale and complacent. There's no desire for this congregation to go anywhere. We're fine with being content. We don't care about making our church a better place. Okay, so we're definitely not getting stronger spiritually, how about in numbers? I'd actually argue that we're shrinking.

If you think everything I say is a load of crap, think twice on what I'm about to ask. Have you noticed that we've lost some of our members recently? Do you even know who they are and why they left? I'm not talking about people that usually only came once in a while and then decided to leave; I'm talking about ones that have grown up in the church, ones that have helped in a ton of different ministries. Yeah, those people are leaving. Leaving the church? Leaving Christianity? I don't know. Why don't you find out?

Holy crap, that makes me so mad. And before I throw myself into the guilty corner of not caring for our people enough, I have to make a couple claims. NEAC is not the church I attend most anymore. So every time I've been back, I've been a visitor, a spectator, a guest. And you know what? I wouldn't want to stay here either based on what I'm seeing now.

Having come back during certain times over the last two years, I've seen attempts at being different, attempts at going back to the way things used to be done, attempts at trying to make something work. It just ain't happening so far. Because all we're doing is that we're over complicating everything making it a blurry mess. Simplicity is often the key to creating a harmonious worship; and isn't that what we strive for? Something that's easy, simple, and works efficiently and effectively. Why do we have to go through all the trouble of trying to come up with all these different ways to please and attract people? Did Jesus ever do that?

Going into more details about is going to take up much more time, so I'm either going to have to leave the rest of it out or talk about it a different time: on people leaving, and how our worship works etc.

Again, and unfortunately, it's easy to blame the people high up; but you really have to look there and look to them to be guiding appropriately. It's not a quick and easy fix. In fact, I want to say that it's not something that's just fixable; it needs an overhaul. Keep your core, throw out the rest. I'm not suggesting NEAC should do that, but in order to become a church for Christ, it needs to be considered as a legit option.

What we lack and need is something fresh, some pop. Rather than hiring and putting your own congregational members into positions of leadership, find something new. Find something fresh that will come in and spark the people of the church. It's happened once within the last decade, and it can happen again. It's proven to work, so why do we have to keep with the same old rather than bring in what is truly needed?

So, I hope that this sheds a little light on what I originally said could be disastrous for the church. And it still can be, if not addressed properly. These are the sorts of things that not only split churches, but blow them up as well.

If only it were that easy. The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.

August Rush - Musings Pt. 2

Like I said in yesterday's post, I'll continue to write about pretty much whatever has been on my mind over the last several months. I think I'm leaning more toward a really sensitive topic for today, especially with what I've been thinking about. So I guess that if anyone happens to read this, please know that it is never my intention to single anyone out, as much as it may seem like in some parts. I'm just giving a general view of the way I see things. And I am well aware that the picture I'll be painting may sour your view on me, or on other things; and I'm okay with that. Of course, I want people to form their own opinions and views, so if I'm able to guide that along, then so be it.

-= Part 2 =- NEAC and Church-Life

During my down time throughout the school year, there were a lot of times that I really did not want to go to church. I just had zero desire to be there, and it was tough to still try to serve and attend without looking like a depressed child.

Carrying over from two years ago, from when I first moved out, I had always looked forward to coming back to NEAC because this is my home church - the church I grew up in, and the one I have made way too many connections in. If my memory is at all accurate, the first couple times back felt a little strange and surreal. I had to intentionally remind myself that I've been gone, so it was very likely for things to change. To my surprise, each time I left, I felt that it's still felt the same from before I left.

However, for each time that I came back, it got less and less awkward for me. But on the other hand, both myself and everyone else just kind of accepted that I'm the guy that's moved out and is back to visit for a weekend or whatever.

I do have to admit that I have always had a bit of an ego. I mean, who doesn't, but I know that mine has brought out the worst side of me before, and it's likely it'll happen again. But I am one of those people that know I'm gifted in a lot of things. It's really hard to not be high on yourself and have high standards. If you're like me, then you'll know exactly what I mean. So with that being said, I'm going to speak very highly of myself for a while; but I'm doing it so I can make a point or two later on.

When you look at NEAC, from its existence up until this point, there's only been a few people that have been so involved in the growth of the church. My parents are one of them. So being a child of a couple that's been with this church since the beginning, I naturally take after them as I grow older. So I've seen, as I grew up, all the stages of development and all the people that have come through our church - and I'm very happy to say that I've had the privilege to share this "growing up" with several other people too.

So, even as I was still in much of the kids programs and all that stuff, I'd still been involved with leadership and all that stuff. Much of it was involuntary, only some where I willingly stepped up and said I want to help. Regardless of how I ended up in such positions, I've been blessed to see everything: all that works and all that doesn't work.

And when I got older, my involvement went from just doing random things here and there to a more stable and structured things like doing worship, or being an AWANA game director. And I'm sure that when you mention my name, the first response of any sort of influence I've had will definitely be in the worship side of things.

I'm okay with being seen as that guy. With a lot of help and guidance, I do think that I've had a huge hand in making our worship the way it is today, up until I left. I was talking to someone close to me about worship one day, and the person pointed out that a large portion of the songs we sing now were introduced by me. I never really thought of that, but when it was pointed out to me, I realized that there is some truth to it. I'm not going to go out of my way to take credit for all the music and whatever, but it adds to reinforce to me, personally, things that I've always told myself that I need to do in life. Whether it was something silly or something serious, I always wanted to be able to do the little things that no one will remember or care to notice, but in the long run have an effect, whether big or subtle, on the way people live.

On top of what our worship looks like today, I've seen other things that have sprouted from small seeds over a span of time to remind me of a time when I did something. Whether the person credits himself/herself for their behavior or another person, knowing that I may have had a role in it, it helps me know that my goals are being accomplished.

I'm going to use an example, even though it may definitely seem like I'm putting someone on the spot. Years ago, when we had a kids' soccer team, I took huge pride in being one of the leaders on the team. Seeing as I was a little older and a little more coordinated with my feet, I really wanted to step up. There was one summer where we had our annual game against the fathers. As the game started, the dad playing in net was unfamiliar with the rules of soccer. So when he caught the ball, he thought he had to put it on the ground to kick it. I'd been watching him a couple times. On a third time where he went to put the ground on the ball and step back to kick it, I ran up to kick the ball into the net because the ball was still a live ball. After that, he only put the ball on the ground if it had originally went out of bounds.

Now here's where it gets sketchy. Because whether this occurrence happened again elsewhere or not, I had this exact same scenario told to me in a conversation I had. Except the only difference was that the individual I was talking to was the one that did what I had done.

So what am I saying? The soccer story and my influence on church worship has been ways of telling me that I CAN make a difference. I've always been someone of low self esteem, even with the ego. So I know that even though I'm gone, I've left my mark in NEAC.

The trouble now, is that since I'm gone, I have to accept the fact that my influence or my presence will eventually fade away. And I'm already beginning to see that - especially this summer.

It saddens me that I've begun to realize that there are some people, where I used to be relatively good friends with, that I just don't talk to anymore. Something big coming up in his/her life? Not only do I not get to be there to support in any way, I don't even get to know anything about it. Being away, life progresses, and I don't get to be there during the process. So when I come back, I try so hard to fit in again; but it just doesn't work.

Like I said yesterday, the happiness is just a mask. I do my best to feel welcome and feel at home with this church, but it's so obvious that my time is up. Everyone's fine with me not being there, and I have to accept that. Not like I'm the center of the universe, but that's how you're made to feel as your circle of networking begins to diminish. And so I've just begun telling myself that I need to do my best to be okay with the position I am in. I don't really have much influence in the church anymore, so I need to take a step back and just let the current leaders handle it. Trust that God will do something good, and watch it blossom.

With everything being said, I've taken up the chance to really observe how far the church has come over the last couple of months. I don't know if it's my pastoral training or whatever, but I'm seeing some really unfortunate things in our church. I can guarantee that a lot of these are well known issues, but I really feel like these issues have something that is even deeper that has potential to completely cause the church to die out.

I'm not going to lie, as much as I don't want it to happen, and I don't know if the chances are even remotely at a level where it can take effect, but there is definitely something boiling underneath that can cause a lot of permanent damage and destroy relationships and lives.

These issues are so severe and serious that there is no way I'm going to discuss them on a blog where everyone can see it. But I think that after seeing how long this post is, I'm going to wait until next time, maybe tomorrow, to talk about some of the things that I feel need to be addressed with my home church.

I'll be the first to admit that I haven't done anything to help the cause. And given the circumstances, I really don't know if there's anything I can do.

August Rush - Musings Pt. 1

I'm not too sure that anyone reads this blog anymore, so I'm going to take advantage of it a little bit and spend a few nights this month just releasing everything that's going on in my brain. I have the privilege and blessing of being able to call many people my friends and talk to them about a lot of things, but there always seems to be a bit that is always undisclosed. So I'm going to use that opportunity here.

I probably also have to warn anyone that does come across this little series that I'm calling "August Rush" (because I'm cheesy like that), that there may be a lot of unrefined thoughts and stuff that I haven't really thought through well enough; so please excuse some of my skewed judgment.

-= Part 1 =- My Summer + Randoms

Some people may have seen the effects that this year had on me. Being uncomfortable for much of the year in almost all aspects of life, I knew it was going to be tough the day I moved into res. I really don't like living in community, but I know that I have to. I'd spent most of my time in my own room and only leaving to go outside when I wanted to eat or go do something with the friends I'd made on my floor. Throughout the year, I really didn't have any desire to do anything. My practicum sucked, my personal life sucked, school sucked, etc.

So when my year ended, and I remember the drive home I had during Christmas and in April, when I saw the "Welcome to Edmonton" sign, I have never felt such huge burdens lifted off of my shoulder. I was so homesick that the picture my head painted of heaven was back here in Edmonton. Familiarity.

And since the summer started, I'd also been blessed with a job opportunity to work at a golf course. I thought that it'd be a neat idea because I've never seen this side of working before. All you get is the stuff in retail or in the food industry for summer jobs. I've written a few blog posts about how I've felt about my job at Legends, so I'm not going to say anymore. Although I do have to say that now that I'm finished working there, I am really happy. That type of work just gets too tedious for me to enjoy.

Continuing to be transparent, I've been really happy to be home this summer. There's been many moments where I caught myself thinking that this is basically what heaven will look like to me: getting to hang out with my favorite people every day just doing the things that we love, and not having a care in the world about anything else.

But then, I started to realize that this "happiness" was just a mask for all the problems that I currently have in life. Since about mid-November of 2011, I have never been so down in terms of spiritually, emotionally, physically, and whatever else you can throw in here. I can say quite confidently that I still haven't fully recovered. In case you missed it, I basically was on the verge of giving up Christianity. It's ironic to think that a Bible college student would do that. Again, I will never deny God's existence; I just get fed up with the story that God's written and that I have to play a part in it - to be vague.

Even today, I still have small thoughts of hopelessness and just the desire to give everything up. I'm at a stage where my thoughts mirror a lot of what Ecclesiastes says, about how everything is meaningless.

One thing that I definitely did value about being in Calgary was the chance to have really deep talks with people. I don't really get that at home in Edmonton, whether it's because I just don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about those things or I just don't have anyone to talk to.

I think it's been really evident in how my school year has affect the way I behave around people back home. I'm a ton more cynical, more pessimistic, bitter, and just being at a dangerous level of apathy towards a lot of things. I have pissed a lot of people off because I have no patience in dealing with them, or just generally say things that aren't very pleasant. My frustration shows so easily - in soccer, in church, at myself especially.

My biggest highlight was definitely summer camp. Although I wouldn't label it a highlight as in a spiritual or emotional high; but rather just the liberty for me to do what I love (like I mentioned above with the heaven statement). It was so nice to forget everything this poor world was going through and just hang out with friends. I got to lead worship, but that was just an exclamation mark.

And now, being a few days into August, I've officially ended my job at Legends; and I'm going to have a week here to chill at home before I spend a week coaching soccer. Then I'll be heading to Vancouver for a couple weeks and then come right back and head down to Calgary.

I have to admit that, although most people get the back to school jitters, mine feel a bit different than they used to. I don't even know how to explain it, because I don't even know what it is I'm feeling. But one thing I do know that this upcoming year is going to be a huge year for me. If I don't regain some stepping ground, I'm going to be in trouble heading into my internship and final year.

But anyway, my train of thought is fading. I had so much I wanted to write about, and I still have a lot I want to write about. But I think I'll cap off the first part here; and maybe I'll write again tomorrow.

Thanks for reading - it means a lot to me.