I need to hit 10 posts in one month at least once this year! So here is my opportunity to achieve that on the last day of the month. (=
The last time I wrote about being vindicated, it was a confirmation that I received about going into Bible college. At the time, it was easily the biggest decision that I had ever made in my life. Being the oldest child in a family of three and being the first to move out, it was a huge deal for me and my family. I think that we adjusted quite well; I've now known what the meaning of home really is, and I also know where my heart lies in a lot of things regarding life.
Well, unfortunately, I can't recall everything that came to my mind or all the things I thought about at the time, but the one thing I definitely remember is a sense of peace and comfort. Contemplating Bible college was a thing that occurred over the span of many months, and when it finally slapped me in the face that it was for real, there was no better feeling. It was a tough few months for me in trying to fight what God was telling me about Bible college, and when I finally realized that it was my call, the feeling of liberation was like none other.
So, moving onto the second time I'm revisiting this, it's amazing how things have progressed. Much like my fight with Bible college, I've been battling with another potential major decision in my life for the last few months. Although I can't say that I've been fully revealed the answers, it's getting rather close. I wanted it a certain way, but it looks like God is saying differently - at least for now. Things can change rather quickly; but at the time being, it looks like I need to let go.
It's always tough, and sometimes even frustrating, but when God tries to tell me something, he always teases me with the idea of it first. The idea of Bible college was very small, a whisper. This recent idea was more of a scream. Instead of just quietly and calmly thinking about the idea in the back of my mind like Bible college, it is upfront and right in my face.
God, you are crazy in the way that you do things. I can't say that I agree with your methods all the time, but you know better than I ever will. I've talked about moving on for quite a while now, but my heart never agreed. Now, though, I think my heart has finally caught up a little bit with my head - mostly because I am forced to.
But it's okay, because through this whole process, I'm relearning how to put my trust and faith in the Lord to do things the right way. A while ago, I was so against it and trying to pull the other way, and mostly just because of the circumstances, but had I not been there, I wouldn't be where I am now.
So, while it will be extremely difficult for me to readjust to my prior way of living, I'm set on doing it, even if it takes a bit of extreme measures.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
November
The month of November, which some dudes call "Movember", a month that has brought so much upon my life in recent years. When I was trying to sleep last night, I was thinking; and suddenly, it was brought to my attention, I was reminded, that November has typically been a crappy month for me every year. I checked my blog's archives, and I can kind of see it there. I didn't write a whole lot about my down times, but seeing what I did write about and the places I were in, they were definitely not the best. Tough Novembers extend beyond just the life of my blog, I've had a couple really bad Novembers in high school too.
I know that life works in cycles and such, but I had no idea that mine would be so definite and lined up so well with the month of November. Not to say that I don't have good times in November or bad times in any other time of the year; but the predominant things that define the month for me have all come within the span of these 30 days, give or take. No different this year, in terms of circumstances. Just the magnitude of things and how I've responded to them are different.
I just don't know what to think of all this! Back in grade 11, I was forced to make the first real decision of my life to quit piano. After taking piano lessons for 11 years, I just couldn't take it anymore and if I wanted to quit, I had to do it myself. It was painful for me to quit piano because I knew that it was really sudden for my teacher; and for me to have to work up the courage to do it, it hurt quite a bit because I'm not really strong enough to make big decisions and have to follow through with them. The year after, my senior year in high school, I was failing - literally. I was below 50% in one of my courses for the first report card; and it being a big deal as people were starting to apply for university, I approached my teacher and she felt bad enough to bump me up to a 50%. It was quite the miracle that I finished grade 12 with a 78% average.
When university life began, and coming back from my internship in Vancouver, it was tough being thrown right into the school thing without having much time to prepare for it. I think that from October to December, and even into January the next year, I was having such a tough time dealing with my direction in life. Studying music at the UofA was just not for me, but at the time, I just did not think that Bible college was something that was reasonable. So I duked it out for the rest of the year (and I have no idea how I did it), and went on to take a year off to work in order to earn money for moving out. When I started working that next fall, I quickly began to find it taxing on my hands because of the work that I had to do. Selfish of me to say this, but by this time of that year, I kind of wanted to quit after just having worked for a little while.
And finally, after moving to Calgary for school, the entire first few months was a huge test of my independence. I remember encountering certain things at this time last year that frustrated me and forced me to think about what I look like to other people. I really had to examine my outward expression and what people perceive me as because I knew that going into ministry meant that I will be constantly under watch and criticism.
So with the things that have brought me down this November, I don't need to mention them anymore because then I'd just be beating a dead horse. But I'm beginning to wonder if things might turn out to be like my year at the UofA. I was forced to just deal with the rest of the year, and when the next September rolled around, things were a lot better because I had a real purpose for what I was doing by that time. If so, then somehow I'm going to need to find, somewhere inside of me, the strength to endure this year with the way things are going.
I have found, now that I've kind of recounted my past several years' Novembers, that God really tests my patience. Having to wait to finish the year before I could start preparing for Bible school, having to wait a year to earn enough money, etc., there's been a lot of waiting that I've had to do. Although, it's unfair to assume that just because things have happened this way in the past, that it will happen like this again. But at the same time, it wouldn't surprise me if this was another test of my patience because I know that I'm going to need a lot of it when I'm full-time in ministry.
The thing is with me, that I'm always going to see something - I'm very much like a visionary - and then I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve that as soon as I can, but sometimes I forget that the process of it is every as important as the end goal. So, maybe God is trying to do something good after all.
My Novembers.
P.S. I think everyone should purchase and listen to Michael Buble's Christmas album. Stellar.
I know that life works in cycles and such, but I had no idea that mine would be so definite and lined up so well with the month of November. Not to say that I don't have good times in November or bad times in any other time of the year; but the predominant things that define the month for me have all come within the span of these 30 days, give or take. No different this year, in terms of circumstances. Just the magnitude of things and how I've responded to them are different.
I just don't know what to think of all this! Back in grade 11, I was forced to make the first real decision of my life to quit piano. After taking piano lessons for 11 years, I just couldn't take it anymore and if I wanted to quit, I had to do it myself. It was painful for me to quit piano because I knew that it was really sudden for my teacher; and for me to have to work up the courage to do it, it hurt quite a bit because I'm not really strong enough to make big decisions and have to follow through with them. The year after, my senior year in high school, I was failing - literally. I was below 50% in one of my courses for the first report card; and it being a big deal as people were starting to apply for university, I approached my teacher and she felt bad enough to bump me up to a 50%. It was quite the miracle that I finished grade 12 with a 78% average.
When university life began, and coming back from my internship in Vancouver, it was tough being thrown right into the school thing without having much time to prepare for it. I think that from October to December, and even into January the next year, I was having such a tough time dealing with my direction in life. Studying music at the UofA was just not for me, but at the time, I just did not think that Bible college was something that was reasonable. So I duked it out for the rest of the year (and I have no idea how I did it), and went on to take a year off to work in order to earn money for moving out. When I started working that next fall, I quickly began to find it taxing on my hands because of the work that I had to do. Selfish of me to say this, but by this time of that year, I kind of wanted to quit after just having worked for a little while.
And finally, after moving to Calgary for school, the entire first few months was a huge test of my independence. I remember encountering certain things at this time last year that frustrated me and forced me to think about what I look like to other people. I really had to examine my outward expression and what people perceive me as because I knew that going into ministry meant that I will be constantly under watch and criticism.
So with the things that have brought me down this November, I don't need to mention them anymore because then I'd just be beating a dead horse. But I'm beginning to wonder if things might turn out to be like my year at the UofA. I was forced to just deal with the rest of the year, and when the next September rolled around, things were a lot better because I had a real purpose for what I was doing by that time. If so, then somehow I'm going to need to find, somewhere inside of me, the strength to endure this year with the way things are going.
I have found, now that I've kind of recounted my past several years' Novembers, that God really tests my patience. Having to wait to finish the year before I could start preparing for Bible school, having to wait a year to earn enough money, etc., there's been a lot of waiting that I've had to do. Although, it's unfair to assume that just because things have happened this way in the past, that it will happen like this again. But at the same time, it wouldn't surprise me if this was another test of my patience because I know that I'm going to need a lot of it when I'm full-time in ministry.
The thing is with me, that I'm always going to see something - I'm very much like a visionary - and then I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve that as soon as I can, but sometimes I forget that the process of it is every as important as the end goal. So, maybe God is trying to do something good after all.
My Novembers.
P.S. I think everyone should purchase and listen to Michael Buble's Christmas album. Stellar.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Choices
Tonight has brought some really interesting thoughts into my mind. I know I've been blogging a crapload this last little while, but there's just been far too much on my mind. I hope that it won't happen too much, but I think it's inevitable that I'm going to be bitching about certain things that are really bothering me.
Now that I haven't really had any big school projects or anything like that left in the term, my mind has been more free to wander places. So I came to a point where I was thinking about why it is so hard to do certain things. These things that I'm referring to are all, sort of, internal - emotions, etc. Controlling emotions and your body's general responsiveness is an incredible skill that I do believe certain people are able to do. It's insanely hard, but I think most people have a good grasp at the whole idea of it. If I try to draw an example, people get attached to things - things like home, family, friends. And depending on our levels of attachment, it can be incredibly difficult to break some of these bonds or connections.
If I kind of digress a little bit, God gave humanity this "free will" thing. The very second that God implemented free will, the possibility of sin was born. Because of this ability to choose (what to wear, what to eat, etc.), it feels awfully strange when something within us happens that we really didn't get to choose. Well, what sort of things? Last time I checked, we don't really get to choose the family that we're born into. God didn't line you up before you're born and be like, "okay, who's family do you want to go to?" And other things that might be a little bit more open ended like falling in love. I don't know about you, but all the times that I've had that experience, I really didn't choose to be in love with that specific person. It just happens! So, when the time comes where you feel like you need to, or at least the situation is asking for it, it's almost impossible to just stop. Other things like depression, or other illnesses, we don't just decide that we're going to be clinically depressed or have cancer or whatever.
From my experience, during these times of battle where my brain is pulling one way but my heart is pulling the other, there are specific moments where I gain some sort of perspective or insight on the situation. More often than not, I'm just left wondering, why can't I do it? I've had my battles with depression, I've had my battles with love, and I think it's all really stupid. I can make HUGE decisions in my life, like being a pastor, moving to Calgary, all these sorts of things; but when it comes to the two things I mentioned before, it's just hopeless. I don't get it.
And I should stop here before things get out of hand.
Now that I haven't really had any big school projects or anything like that left in the term, my mind has been more free to wander places. So I came to a point where I was thinking about why it is so hard to do certain things. These things that I'm referring to are all, sort of, internal - emotions, etc. Controlling emotions and your body's general responsiveness is an incredible skill that I do believe certain people are able to do. It's insanely hard, but I think most people have a good grasp at the whole idea of it. If I try to draw an example, people get attached to things - things like home, family, friends. And depending on our levels of attachment, it can be incredibly difficult to break some of these bonds or connections.
If I kind of digress a little bit, God gave humanity this "free will" thing. The very second that God implemented free will, the possibility of sin was born. Because of this ability to choose (what to wear, what to eat, etc.), it feels awfully strange when something within us happens that we really didn't get to choose. Well, what sort of things? Last time I checked, we don't really get to choose the family that we're born into. God didn't line you up before you're born and be like, "okay, who's family do you want to go to?" And other things that might be a little bit more open ended like falling in love. I don't know about you, but all the times that I've had that experience, I really didn't choose to be in love with that specific person. It just happens! So, when the time comes where you feel like you need to, or at least the situation is asking for it, it's almost impossible to just stop. Other things like depression, or other illnesses, we don't just decide that we're going to be clinically depressed or have cancer or whatever.
From my experience, during these times of battle where my brain is pulling one way but my heart is pulling the other, there are specific moments where I gain some sort of perspective or insight on the situation. More often than not, I'm just left wondering, why can't I do it? I've had my battles with depression, I've had my battles with love, and I think it's all really stupid. I can make HUGE decisions in my life, like being a pastor, moving to Calgary, all these sorts of things; but when it comes to the two things I mentioned before, it's just hopeless. I don't get it.
And I should stop here before things get out of hand.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Ευαγγελιον
Translated "euangelion," people might know what that means. It's always nice to receive good news. Although it is more specifically talking about the gospel as good news, it's the only form of "good news" that I know in Greek. And since I'll be doing some Greek homework later today, might as well start practicing! So, that's kind of where the word evangelize came from, which basically means to spread or tell of the good news.
My mom told me that my brother is getting baptized this Christmas and it made me pretty happy. So after this, every member of the family will have been dunked! I think that when you look at it, it's really evident that God has been so good to our family. We've been given so many gifts and people that just make life work for us. At first, I wasn't entirely sure why the baptism service was moved from Thanksgiving to Christmas, but I probably won't complain because it might hold some more sentimental value for some people to be baptized during this time. So, with that being said, congrats bro! It's about time.
Some other news that has been good is that all of my major work for this term has been completed, meaning that I have been legitimately been allowed to be bored! I still have Greek homework, like I said earlier, but that's pretty much a given for the entire semester thus far. And now that we're actually starting to translate Bible passages, it makes for Greek a lot more useful because it allows us to see what verses can really mean.
And plus, it's just boss to be carrying around a Greek Bible... Even though I don't have one, yet.
On the same topic of good news and school, I only have two finals in December. Greek can hardly be called a final because it's just the third of three tests that we are to have. Unfortunately, I have to wait until the very last day to do a final of the subject I care least about: an elective - sociology. See, if I tried harder with my time at the UofA, I wouldn't have needed to take psych last year and wouldn't have needed to take sociology this year. But, of course, my lack of effort came around to bite me in the butt so I've been needing to retake these courses. However! I cannot complain because I only have two tests, so I'll be able to make it home to see some friends and family.
Three and a half weeks of Christmas break is also pretty sweet, if you ask me! I am stoked to be getting a new phone, whatever that will be, and a new pair of shoes or two! Things are looking up from here, and I would love to be able to spend that happiness with you! So, hopefully reading my blog made you happy. Haha!
Just thought I'd let you know that you look mighty fine today! <3
My mom told me that my brother is getting baptized this Christmas and it made me pretty happy. So after this, every member of the family will have been dunked! I think that when you look at it, it's really evident that God has been so good to our family. We've been given so many gifts and people that just make life work for us. At first, I wasn't entirely sure why the baptism service was moved from Thanksgiving to Christmas, but I probably won't complain because it might hold some more sentimental value for some people to be baptized during this time. So, with that being said, congrats bro! It's about time.
Some other news that has been good is that all of my major work for this term has been completed, meaning that I have been legitimately been allowed to be bored! I still have Greek homework, like I said earlier, but that's pretty much a given for the entire semester thus far. And now that we're actually starting to translate Bible passages, it makes for Greek a lot more useful because it allows us to see what verses can really mean.
And plus, it's just boss to be carrying around a Greek Bible... Even though I don't have one, yet.
On the same topic of good news and school, I only have two finals in December. Greek can hardly be called a final because it's just the third of three tests that we are to have. Unfortunately, I have to wait until the very last day to do a final of the subject I care least about: an elective - sociology. See, if I tried harder with my time at the UofA, I wouldn't have needed to take psych last year and wouldn't have needed to take sociology this year. But, of course, my lack of effort came around to bite me in the butt so I've been needing to retake these courses. However! I cannot complain because I only have two tests, so I'll be able to make it home to see some friends and family.
Three and a half weeks of Christmas break is also pretty sweet, if you ask me! I am stoked to be getting a new phone, whatever that will be, and a new pair of shoes or two! Things are looking up from here, and I would love to be able to spend that happiness with you! So, hopefully reading my blog made you happy. Haha!
Just thought I'd let you know that you look mighty fine today! <3
Monday, November 21, 2011
Fairly Healthy
I haven't caught hold of the Christmas hype just yet. I wonder if it's because being so sheltered in the school environment that I haven't been given the chance to see what it's really like on the outside. People are decorating their places, putting in the Frank Sinatra Christmas album, etc., but I just haven't caught into it! Darn!
I'm not sure, though, if I really want to be in a Christmas-y mood. I mean, I'd like to be, but I don't know what it'd do to/for me. Haha. I don't even know if that makes any sense. And of course, when you talk about Christmas, there is no way you can ignore shopping. That, then, asks the question of how much I'm going to spend on presents this year.
Not going to lie, I'm not going to spend a lot. I might buy myself something small-ish, but that's about it. Maybe I'll pick something up for the family too, but I don't know what.
Anyways, I have had shin splints for the last little while and it's been a bit of an inconvenience because it bothers me when I walk and it doesn't allow me to run, or else the pain will get pretty bad. My dad told me not to play soccer for two weeks but I didn't listen. Shoot! I tried to play last night and it was no good. My left leg feels okay, but my right hurts with every step that I take. And so, I feel like my recovery process has taken a step back because tonight, when I tried to run over to the cafe so I could get myself some delicious chocolate milk, the shins were hurting.
Dang it! But it's okay, I haven't caught the Christmas fever yet, so I am still healthy in some way! My wallet will thank me for this later.
I'm not sure, though, if I really want to be in a Christmas-y mood. I mean, I'd like to be, but I don't know what it'd do to/for me. Haha. I don't even know if that makes any sense. And of course, when you talk about Christmas, there is no way you can ignore shopping. That, then, asks the question of how much I'm going to spend on presents this year.
Not going to lie, I'm not going to spend a lot. I might buy myself something small-ish, but that's about it. Maybe I'll pick something up for the family too, but I don't know what.
Anyways, I have had shin splints for the last little while and it's been a bit of an inconvenience because it bothers me when I walk and it doesn't allow me to run, or else the pain will get pretty bad. My dad told me not to play soccer for two weeks but I didn't listen. Shoot! I tried to play last night and it was no good. My left leg feels okay, but my right hurts with every step that I take. And so, I feel like my recovery process has taken a step back because tonight, when I tried to run over to the cafe so I could get myself some delicious chocolate milk, the shins were hurting.
Dang it! But it's okay, I haven't caught the Christmas fever yet, so I am still healthy in some way! My wallet will thank me for this later.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Acceptance
After coming out of one of the darkest nights of my life, I'm done with that bitterness and anger crap. I'm going to live my life and I'm going to feel good about doing so. It's plain stupid for me to be living the way I have been this last week because it just makes everything worse. Nothing good is accomplished, and I'm just not going to allow that to happen. I know that I have the ability to control my emotions and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Nothing's going to stop me, no matter how cheesy that sounds. I'm going to do my best to accept things as it is and just move on with my life. I think I've finally been able to gain the strength to re-live what I preach.
It's going to take a bit of adjusting, but that's normal and it's going to be my mindset from now on. I don't give a crap about any of the negativity in my life that occurred in the last several weeks, and I'm going to give this thing a second go.
Once again, I'm thankful to and for those of you that walked me through this or just listened to me. I owe you my life, and you know who you are! So, with that being said, I'm going to try to recall what I was like and try to bring myself back to that. I will pray that I won't have broken any relationships that I've had with anyone, but on the contrary be able to build them even more because everyone I know is special to me no matter who you are in relation to me.
I'm done with this brokenness shit! I'm gonna make this mine.
It's going to take a bit of adjusting, but that's normal and it's going to be my mindset from now on. I don't give a crap about any of the negativity in my life that occurred in the last several weeks, and I'm going to give this thing a second go.
Once again, I'm thankful to and for those of you that walked me through this or just listened to me. I owe you my life, and you know who you are! So, with that being said, I'm going to try to recall what I was like and try to bring myself back to that. I will pray that I won't have broken any relationships that I've had with anyone, but on the contrary be able to build them even more because everyone I know is special to me no matter who you are in relation to me.
I'm done with this brokenness shit! I'm gonna make this mine.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Run Dry
This morning I went to my Practicum Reflection class and I basically had my life story over the last couple years told to me. Pretty amazing. What I mean is that the situation that I'm in right now is pretty much what the speaker described.
We've all heard the analogy of the cup pouring out and being refilled in ministry before; but I guess when I heard him talk about it, it finally hit home. It all makes sense too, I've been pouring out, giving God everything I had over the last several years without ever really replenishing a whole lot of what filled me in the first place. Not to say that there wasn't any filling at all, because there have been, just not enough to keep me going. And since the school year started, I've been pouring out at a rate much faster and more than I have been for a very long time. So it was kind of inevitable, I've now run dry. It is exactly how I feel too, I just don't have anything more to give into any area of my life as of right now. I keep trying to, but I've exhausted everything I have.
This applies to ministry, my friends, people I care about, etc. When you're thirsty, the first thing you really think about is where you can find water to drink. If I've been a bit "needy," that explains everything and I apologize. It'd be dumb for me to not admit that I have been so out of my usual character over the last couple months. I'm just not who I usually am.
So I'm going to try to work myself up to being filled up again. Quite honestly, though, I don't know where to turn. There's a lot of people I trust, but I just don't know if they'd really want to spend the time to "pour into me," so to speak. It doesn't take a lot, because for me, all I really do is be there for people. I know I don't really say a lot, some times because I can't, but being present and with people is my way of pouring out to them. That's all I can really do and that's all I really need.
Still searching.
We've all heard the analogy of the cup pouring out and being refilled in ministry before; but I guess when I heard him talk about it, it finally hit home. It all makes sense too, I've been pouring out, giving God everything I had over the last several years without ever really replenishing a whole lot of what filled me in the first place. Not to say that there wasn't any filling at all, because there have been, just not enough to keep me going. And since the school year started, I've been pouring out at a rate much faster and more than I have been for a very long time. So it was kind of inevitable, I've now run dry. It is exactly how I feel too, I just don't have anything more to give into any area of my life as of right now. I keep trying to, but I've exhausted everything I have.
This applies to ministry, my friends, people I care about, etc. When you're thirsty, the first thing you really think about is where you can find water to drink. If I've been a bit "needy," that explains everything and I apologize. It'd be dumb for me to not admit that I have been so out of my usual character over the last couple months. I'm just not who I usually am.
So I'm going to try to work myself up to being filled up again. Quite honestly, though, I don't know where to turn. There's a lot of people I trust, but I just don't know if they'd really want to spend the time to "pour into me," so to speak. It doesn't take a lot, because for me, all I really do is be there for people. I know I don't really say a lot, some times because I can't, but being present and with people is my way of pouring out to them. That's all I can really do and that's all I really need.
Still searching.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Deciphering Me
Blogging has been so fun lately. Half of it is because I've gotten to unleash just about everything that has kept me up at night; the other half is realizing how dumb I am for being so hard on myself. I hope that I have run out of bad things to blog about, although I wouldn't be surprised if there might be a few more, and that I will be able to go back to being myself.
I am really thankful for being able to go through what I am and have been because it has again given me a chance to re-evaluate things. Over the last couple weeks, I've learned about how badly I can beat myself up for not being able to do the smallest things. I'm not sure if it's because of my own standards or whatever, but the best example can be pointed out when I was writing my midterm an hour ago. I was stuck on a question that I knew but just could not recall for whatever reason. I was so disappointed in myself for not remembering, it completely threw my focus off of the test and took a bit of time to readjust my attention back onto actually writing the test and focusing on what I remember and not what I don't. So after the test I went back into my notes to see what it was that I forgot; and when I saw the points, I wanted to punch myself in the face for forgetting.
That incident with the test kind of sums up all the reasons for why I've been wanting to give up. And because it's been a lot of these types of situations that piled up over the last few weeks, I was just probably overwhelmed by all of it. I guess to kind of list off a few of them, so people won't come asking, here are a few of the things that have weighed on my shoulders and where I am with them now:
Thanks for everyone's support.
I am really thankful for being able to go through what I am and have been because it has again given me a chance to re-evaluate things. Over the last couple weeks, I've learned about how badly I can beat myself up for not being able to do the smallest things. I'm not sure if it's because of my own standards or whatever, but the best example can be pointed out when I was writing my midterm an hour ago. I was stuck on a question that I knew but just could not recall for whatever reason. I was so disappointed in myself for not remembering, it completely threw my focus off of the test and took a bit of time to readjust my attention back onto actually writing the test and focusing on what I remember and not what I don't. So after the test I went back into my notes to see what it was that I forgot; and when I saw the points, I wanted to punch myself in the face for forgetting.
That incident with the test kind of sums up all the reasons for why I've been wanting to give up. And because it's been a lot of these types of situations that piled up over the last few weeks, I was just probably overwhelmed by all of it. I guess to kind of list off a few of them, so people won't come asking, here are a few of the things that have weighed on my shoulders and where I am with them now:
- Her. Umm, for anyone that's been forced to hear about my situation with this one, it's still unresolved and probably won't be for at least the foreseeable future just because of the proximity of things. I honestly don't want to jump too far ahead of myself to be saying it will or won't work out because I really don't know. I can only hope for the best, but the way it plays out remains to be seen. This is by far the most indicative of what kind of person I'll be like day-to-day.
- School. Or life - however you want to put it because school is sort of literally my life. I've had so much trouble finding motivation to work at any time of the day. Living in res, even though it's been amazing, has brought a lot of challenges upon me. I still get things done, but it's probably not to the standard that I have for myself. As a result, if my GPA drops slightly, I think it's to be expected.
- Church. As SGAC is the third church that I've been routinely attending and getting involved in, I have never had such a difficult time adjusting to things. Part of it is because the primary reason I am here is for my practicum. Even though I hardly ever see going to this church as "doing my practicum," I just haven't been able to get comfortable until, maybe, the last couple weeks where I'm finally starting to feel more at home with everything.
- Car. I don't think I've still recovered fully from such a traumatic event. It sounds kind of lame when I pin traumatic with car dying, but it's been the only time I've encountered over the last couple years that had any sort of potential for me to be in any real danger. So I still don't really trust my car for me to be doing any long distance driving; and I'm sorry that I won't be able to see some of my friends until Christmas. I really wish I got to get away from Calgary this coming weekend!
Thanks for everyone's support.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
If I Don't
After the first day of daylight savings, I guess it's pretty reasonable for most people to be calling it a night a little earlier than usual based on what time suggests. I slept for a while earlier... and kind of missed supper.
Well, I think that it is important for people to be able to voice things without having to have it all bottled up inside of them, so that's what I'll be doing. Because if I don't, I probably won't be a very happy person over the next day or so. When I originally created this blog back in... I forgot (but you can probably look at my archives to see how long this blog has been alive for), I made it so that I could write out my thoughts that I didn't know who or where I could tell them to. It was a really nice way for me to not only practice my writing, but to help me articulate my thoughts into words. Slowly, my blog turned into an update sort of thing to tell people what sort of things have been going on in my life. With that being said, I'm going to revisit the reason that I made my blog in the first place.
First of all, I really, absolutely do not want to throw anyone under the bus; and I'm so sorry if you feel like you've contributed to me feeling this way. Second of all, no matter what I am going to say, it does not change what I stand for about always wanting to be there for people, whether it is listening to them or helping them through something.
Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I'm going straight to the point. I feel like I've been so incredibly vulnerable in the last couple months because one person pretty much controls all my emotions and dictates a lot of my actions. Best case scenario, that person would be me; but unfortunately, it is not I. And so when what this person says or does clashes with my own personal thoughts and such, a huge battle ensues in my brain. I've lost 100% of the time. I'll then proceed to becoming extremely upset and frustrated at just about everything.
While I'm not feeling so fly, I still have real life to deal with. I get so frustrated when all I do is listen to people and their problems, and I willingly do so because that is what I've promised to everyone that I care about, but I never feel like I can talk to people about what upsets me in return. All I do is listen, but will people stop and listen to me or even ask about me? Hasn't happened yet. I know it's incredibly selfish for me to think this way, but I'm really just saying that everyone has their needs. Here is the problem though, I know that I have people who are willing to care for me or listen to me; but whether it is just me being selfish or whatever, I don't feel like it's good enough. Part of it is because other than telling someone what I feel toward certain things, what are they really going to do? Nothing. Nothing that really amounts to anything anyway. I'm guilty of this too, so I'm sorry to those for the times where all I can do is be here and kind of watch as you go through crappy times in your life and not being able to do anything about it.
Aside from being direct and straight to the point, I'm also being very vague. I kind of call it "beating around the bush, but definitely beating it." I'm leaving one thing off on purpose because if I said it, it would sound very strange - and I don't know how I feel about that. But if you've been there, are there right now, or just really good at reading between the lines, you'll have a good idea of what I'm leaving out. All I can really say is that it sucks to be in my position right now because it's preventing me from giving all I've got to do what I want to do.
Here we are; what a (definitely not) beautiful mess, this is.
Well, I think that it is important for people to be able to voice things without having to have it all bottled up inside of them, so that's what I'll be doing. Because if I don't, I probably won't be a very happy person over the next day or so. When I originally created this blog back in... I forgot (but you can probably look at my archives to see how long this blog has been alive for), I made it so that I could write out my thoughts that I didn't know who or where I could tell them to. It was a really nice way for me to not only practice my writing, but to help me articulate my thoughts into words. Slowly, my blog turned into an update sort of thing to tell people what sort of things have been going on in my life. With that being said, I'm going to revisit the reason that I made my blog in the first place.
First of all, I really, absolutely do not want to throw anyone under the bus; and I'm so sorry if you feel like you've contributed to me feeling this way. Second of all, no matter what I am going to say, it does not change what I stand for about always wanting to be there for people, whether it is listening to them or helping them through something.
Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I'm going straight to the point. I feel like I've been so incredibly vulnerable in the last couple months because one person pretty much controls all my emotions and dictates a lot of my actions. Best case scenario, that person would be me; but unfortunately, it is not I. And so when what this person says or does clashes with my own personal thoughts and such, a huge battle ensues in my brain. I've lost 100% of the time. I'll then proceed to becoming extremely upset and frustrated at just about everything.
While I'm not feeling so fly, I still have real life to deal with. I get so frustrated when all I do is listen to people and their problems, and I willingly do so because that is what I've promised to everyone that I care about, but I never feel like I can talk to people about what upsets me in return. All I do is listen, but will people stop and listen to me or even ask about me? Hasn't happened yet. I know it's incredibly selfish for me to think this way, but I'm really just saying that everyone has their needs. Here is the problem though, I know that I have people who are willing to care for me or listen to me; but whether it is just me being selfish or whatever, I don't feel like it's good enough. Part of it is because other than telling someone what I feel toward certain things, what are they really going to do? Nothing. Nothing that really amounts to anything anyway. I'm guilty of this too, so I'm sorry to those for the times where all I can do is be here and kind of watch as you go through crappy times in your life and not being able to do anything about it.
Aside from being direct and straight to the point, I'm also being very vague. I kind of call it "beating around the bush, but definitely beating it." I'm leaving one thing off on purpose because if I said it, it would sound very strange - and I don't know how I feel about that. But if you've been there, are there right now, or just really good at reading between the lines, you'll have a good idea of what I'm leaving out. All I can really say is that it sucks to be in my position right now because it's preventing me from giving all I've got to do what I want to do.
Here we are; what a (definitely not) beautiful mess, this is.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Feelin' Good
I am feeling great today, so I thought that blogging would be a good idea! The only thing that I am, at any amount, not too pleased with right now is that my mouse isn't very good at scrolling up and down webpages! The mouse doesn't mesh too well with Apple's smooth scrolling type of things, so that's why when I scroll with my mouse, it's really choppy!
So, after my last blog post, some pretty bizarre things have happened over this past week. I was lucky enough to have a really nice family bring me to church on Sunday. They even took me to lunch afterward. And when I thought that they'd just be dropping me off at home, the father offered to help me boost my car. I was really thankful that he'd be willing to take time out of his day to help me. After my car boosted, but couldn't stay running, he seemed like he really wanted to find out the problem and fix it. So he took me to get a new battery. When we installed the battery, my car was working! Unfortunately, the battery light was still on, signifying that there could be a problem with the alternator. So even though I was so thankful the car worked temporarily, I needed to take it in to get it looked at. So I booked an appointment for first thing on Wednesday, but when I started the car that morning, the light was off! I was so confused, and after bringing it in anyway and getting some advice from multiple people, I decided that I'd just drive the car for a few more days to see if the light comes back on. And miraculously, it's still off as of today! I'm not sure if it just meant that my car needed to get used to the battery, but it seems to be running now. So I hope that it stays that way because it has saved me several hundreds of dollars to get a new alternator.
In terms of school, things are alright. I was so glad that we got to play soccer last night for a couple hours because I'm just rotting away sitting at a chair pretty much all day. My fitness level has fallen faster than I could've even imagined. So it was so nice! And seeing as I like to brag about my accomplishments (good and bad ones), I scored three goals last night. But because of my rust and lack of fitness, I couldn't get any megs. Normally I can get around 5 whether it is by passing it through people's legs or just deking through it; but unfortunately, I couldn't get any last night because I am out of game shape!
As far as my practicum goes, I'm still feeling like I'm not doing a very good job. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I just haven't worked up a way to get comfortable with the church yet, which kind of sucks, but I know I will get there eventually - even if it kills me. As the days go by where I'm at church, I'm trying to find more and more ways that I can get involved and maybe even ease some of the loads off the pastors there because they work way too hard for their church. In the grand scheme of things, it is only the beginning of November, so I think the most important thing remains for me to be making relationships with people, and they don't happen over night, so I'm going to keep working at it! And at the end of this practicum, I'll know that I've done my best.
With everything else, I'll admit that I have gotten slightly homesick a while ago. I'm a lot better now, but I remember a couple weeks back, I just wanted to go home. The biggest difference for me this year compared to last year is that I have to be a lot more independent now. Last year, I had a family look after me and pretty much give me everything I needed. This year, I'm looking out for myself a ton more. It's taken some adjustment, but I'm slowly getting there. I think that's the biggest reason why I've felt so off this school year. I'm just so used to relying on others that I still don't quite know what it's like to have to fend for myself, so to speak. And even with the help of my parents and church in providing for me, I still have to go through this process of growing up!
So, I guess this is a bit of an update from me. I'm sorry if my updates have been a bit lame recently, but I am doing my best!
I hope everyone has an awesome weekend because I've had a great day so far! The sun is shining, and it's not too cold!
So, after my last blog post, some pretty bizarre things have happened over this past week. I was lucky enough to have a really nice family bring me to church on Sunday. They even took me to lunch afterward. And when I thought that they'd just be dropping me off at home, the father offered to help me boost my car. I was really thankful that he'd be willing to take time out of his day to help me. After my car boosted, but couldn't stay running, he seemed like he really wanted to find out the problem and fix it. So he took me to get a new battery. When we installed the battery, my car was working! Unfortunately, the battery light was still on, signifying that there could be a problem with the alternator. So even though I was so thankful the car worked temporarily, I needed to take it in to get it looked at. So I booked an appointment for first thing on Wednesday, but when I started the car that morning, the light was off! I was so confused, and after bringing it in anyway and getting some advice from multiple people, I decided that I'd just drive the car for a few more days to see if the light comes back on. And miraculously, it's still off as of today! I'm not sure if it just meant that my car needed to get used to the battery, but it seems to be running now. So I hope that it stays that way because it has saved me several hundreds of dollars to get a new alternator.
In terms of school, things are alright. I was so glad that we got to play soccer last night for a couple hours because I'm just rotting away sitting at a chair pretty much all day. My fitness level has fallen faster than I could've even imagined. So it was so nice! And seeing as I like to brag about my accomplishments (good and bad ones), I scored three goals last night. But because of my rust and lack of fitness, I couldn't get any megs. Normally I can get around 5 whether it is by passing it through people's legs or just deking through it; but unfortunately, I couldn't get any last night because I am out of game shape!
As far as my practicum goes, I'm still feeling like I'm not doing a very good job. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I just haven't worked up a way to get comfortable with the church yet, which kind of sucks, but I know I will get there eventually - even if it kills me. As the days go by where I'm at church, I'm trying to find more and more ways that I can get involved and maybe even ease some of the loads off the pastors there because they work way too hard for their church. In the grand scheme of things, it is only the beginning of November, so I think the most important thing remains for me to be making relationships with people, and they don't happen over night, so I'm going to keep working at it! And at the end of this practicum, I'll know that I've done my best.
With everything else, I'll admit that I have gotten slightly homesick a while ago. I'm a lot better now, but I remember a couple weeks back, I just wanted to go home. The biggest difference for me this year compared to last year is that I have to be a lot more independent now. Last year, I had a family look after me and pretty much give me everything I needed. This year, I'm looking out for myself a ton more. It's taken some adjustment, but I'm slowly getting there. I think that's the biggest reason why I've felt so off this school year. I'm just so used to relying on others that I still don't quite know what it's like to have to fend for myself, so to speak. And even with the help of my parents and church in providing for me, I still have to go through this process of growing up!
So, I guess this is a bit of an update from me. I'm sorry if my updates have been a bit lame recently, but I am doing my best!
I hope everyone has an awesome weekend because I've had a great day so far! The sun is shining, and it's not too cold!
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