And Stars, Ringed

First of all, thanks to everyone that has thought about me or wished me well this past week. I know that I tend to overreact to a lot of things and I can make them seem a lot worse than they really are. Unfortunately, having my car barely hang on a thread on my way home was traumatic enough that I'd respond the way that I did. Even though I am not completely over it, I am definitely feeling much better now! Again, I believe that God has surrounded me with the most awesome people ever and because of that, they are willing to go out of their way to help me. I appreciate just about everyone I know because they in some way shape who I am today.

I think the best thing to happen to me this week was brownies. When someone knows that I'm not enjoying life, then going out of their way to not only make me something, but bringing it to me personally, that's ace. Considering some of the circumstances, I could not have been happier. Thanks! You know who you are (=

Anyways, on Friday night, I got to go to a cool little youth rally at church. It wasn't the biggest youth rally I've been to, but it was plenty fun and cool. I also did not think that I would need to use Calgary transit to get around anymore, but seeing as it wouldn't be fair to have people purposely come drive me to church, that was the best plan. So after getting jipped by McDonalds, I got to church - they gave me a McChicken instead of a quarter pounder, the worst! Getting to plan things are so much fun to do! I think that in the future, I am going to want to try delegating more - the job of a pastor. Haha! But yeah, it was nice to play some games, sing some songs, hear some sharing, all that kind of cool jazz. I'm still not exactly comfortable around the people at the church yet, but I am getting better. I remember last year at CCBC, it still took me a bit of time, but I got accustomed to them really quickly because of how tightly knit the group is and how open they were to accepting me. As SGAC is, it's much bigger than CCBC, so I am still trying to learn the dynamics of the groups to see where I fit in. Regardless, it's really awesome to see that there are some really talented people here. I ended up leading a game, playing some sweet percussion for the worship team, and shared a bit of my story. I felt like I did an awful job of sharing, but I hope that at least one person took something away from it. It was a pretty good night.

Today, I felt really lazy. I said that I was going to phone around to see how long it might take to get my car fixed, but I realized that nothing could be started on until Monday, meaning I had the rest of the day to do whatever. Unfortunately, that "whatever" turned out to be nothing productive. I said that I was going to study for my midterm on Monday; but other than reading the first line of my notes, I did not read another word. Oops.

Tonight, though, I did get to go bowling with a few guys, which was a ton of fun. I hadn't bowled in quite a few years so it was nice to test that arm of mine again. Needless to say, I was rusty but I still managed 2nd of the group of 5 guys considering I botched and slipped a lot of throws out of my hand. It was a lot of fun though, and my hand is a bit tired now.

I get a ride to church tomorrow, meaning that I am very lucky. And so as I am sitting here being put to sleep by the music that I'm listening to, I am probably just going to drift away because I am completely lost in a trance again. Thank you electronica!

Give this a listen! I know a lot of people still don't like electronica, but this song is so soothing.

Those Times

I find it strange how when difficult times arrive, I just kind of accept it and don't even bother to try to deal with it. It's actually probably not a good thing. Because, in a sense, I'm embracing that I'm having a crappy time; and therefore I am somehow justified to be bitter and negative towards everything. The world hates me, etc., etc.

Since my car died last night, I've been incredibly cynical and angry at just about everything. I could probably count how many times I laughed or even smiled today for that matter. It is at times like these where I just hate everything. I've been angry at God and perfectly fine with it too. It's gotten to a point where I'm apathetic toward being upset, thus allowing myself to just indulge in all of its glory. It's kind of scary actually because I think you might be surprised at how much rage has been building up inside of me.

Well, anyways, I don't even know if I'll ever have a car to drive again until I get a full time job and can afford to finance one. That is part of why I've been so upset. The other part of it is that just the way the whole story played out last night, with the car drawing closer to giving out each meter that it traveled. It got to a point where I had to turn off all the heat, the lights, everything when it was pitch black outside. Even my dashboard froze and the lights turned off so I couldn't see how fast I was going. But even if the dashboard lights were on, it wouldn't have mattered because the speedometer froze.

So as the car finally got back into the parking lot, I turned it off one last time. I swear, the car could've just given out when I was still on the road. But seeing as the car is the only damn thing in this world that really cares about me, it refused to leave me stranded in the middle of Calgary at night. Just with the way it happened is why I'm so angry at why it's got to happen.

The stupid thing is that I know exactly how this is going to play out. God's the one in control and that's how I like it. Things suck like crap right now and I know that I just have to go through with it because that's what God's written. So I really have no choice but to just live through until somehow things get better. Other than the car being fixed and having me pay a shitload of money that I don't even have for that to occur, I don't see myself having a vehicle anymore.What this means is that I can't do crap when I'm in Calgary. I have to meet requirements to graduate; and part of these requirements is to be working at a church. This church that I'm at right now is a 30 minute drive for heaven's sake.

With the last 24 hours and the way things unfolded, once again I'm finding myself being bitter and angry at the way life works. I'm not going to lie, over the last year, whenever I'm upset, I'm honestly just praying for Jesus to come back or at least take me up with him. I know these are some dangerous things to be asking, especially the latter. But it kind of just shows that I haven't been ideally what you'd call "happy" or "joyful".

And the other stupid thing is that with the state that I'm in, it goes against everything that I believe in. I tell people that there's no point to worry and all that kind of crap to try to paint a picture with sunshine and flowers, but reality of things is that life is going to suck and does suck. I've been such a huge positivity person and just promoted optimism in general; but recently, and you can probably tell too, that I'm really becoming a cynic and pessimist. This part of the journey that I'm at just isn't allowing me to live out what I preach, thus making me a hypocrite.

When I try to take a look on the big picture, the whole "perspective" crap that we often spew out, I see that I'm just a 20 year old kid that's trying to make it through Bible college. Quite frankly, things only get worse from here on out because even though living the life of a student is legitimately unfair, being in full time ministry is quite possibly worse and will be worse at times.

The absolute worst part of all this is that it always feels like nobody gives a damn. I'm here barely holding on, and other than well wishes, which is already few and far in between, what do I get? Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all, other than the fact that I'm left feeling sorry for myself and trying to force pity upon myself. 

Honest question: what's the bloody point?

Off

Everyone has off days. So far, it's been an off year for me even though it's only been about two months into the school year. Everything I'm doing or have done is just not to the level of standard that I'm used to. But why?

I think that it is most notable in the papers that I have been writing. Before I hand in my papers, I always try to read it over; unfortunately, every one that I've read so far has been awful. Part of it is probably because of my procrastination that seems to be at an all time high until recently where I was slapped in the face (figuratively, of course) and started to pick up my act.

Not going to lie, I haven't felt like myself for very much of this school year. I've tried to think about it to see where or what is bothering me. I probably know why, I'm just avoiding it. Haha.

So, as I have two somewhat minor papers due this week, I hope to change my ways! Even though what is distracting me from doing well in school isn't really school related, I need to learn to re-focus again.

Thankfully, I went to First Alliance Church tonight for a Saturday worship. It was so neat! First of all, I've never been to a Saturday worship before, so I wasn't really feeling like I was in a worship mood. But I love attending these big churches once in a while because it adds to my perspective of how churches are run.

I loved the experience! Anyways, I'm starting to do better...

... So I totally got sidetracked and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I was saying.

And I feel terrible for forgetting, so I'm going to end my post here and come back to it when I remember!

Food

So, there are always those things that people seem to tell you, and at the time you hear it you don't think too much about it, but some time later it totally comes true and you get one of those "I told you so" type of moments.

Last year, and I didn't think it was possible, but I lost over 10 pounds over the course of the school year. It was quite visible too, according to some people, about how I had gotten skinnier. Funny, because I didn't think I could; but apparently, I can. So over the four months that I was home, I tried to gain it back - it kind of worked.

I swore to myself that I was not going to let this occur again this year. A month and a half of school later, I think it might happen. I cannot stand eating cafeteria food everyday. It tastes awful, and is hardly ever filling to the point that it can put me through to the next meal. The worst thing about it is that it is so bloody expensive. If it didn't cost an arm or a leg every time I wanted to get something to eat, maybe I wouldn't be as reluctant to go get something. I remember, and had a good guess that it'd be true, years ago when some people told me that cafeteria food is awful to be living on. I didn't think that it'd actually come to a point where I'd be living off of cafe food.

I haven't intentionally done it, but I've caught myself trying to get around it a few times: I've skipped some meals. The best example will be that over the last two days, I didn't eat lunch. Sure, I've been tight on time for doing my paper, but I still think that it is inexcusable that I'm not eating enough. And because I'm not eating enough, I am reminded of what it feels like to have next to no energy or ability to function because of the lack of food in my stomach. It kind of sucks.

So my eating habits are pretty bad already, and I sure as heck hope that it doesn't come down to me losing weight again because I'm already skinny enough.

The challenge now is that I find a way to stay full! If you ask me, I'd probably choose to be getting fat rather than getting skinny now in the state that I'm in. Don't get me wrong though! I still prefer to be skinny over being fat; but my point is that if I had to choose between getting fat off cafeteria food over getting skinny, I'd pick fat. Because I don't like being hungry!

Oh well, I'll learn to deal (=

Slap In the Face!

Every year, it seems like I am lazy as heck to start off a school year. I've been in school for a lot of years now, and it has never changed. So as it's been the same again this year, I've been incredibly lazy - more so than I was last year. I think that last year was a pleasant surprise because I had never found such joy in being in school and studying something that I was passionate about. But with this being my second year, I kind of unintentionally carried that entitlement in thinking that I know what this is all about.

People talk about the "sophomore jinx" in sports and how when a player gets complacent, they stop trying as hard after their first year because they know what's up. So, with that being said, I've been absolutely brutal this year.

Usually, it takes something to slap me in the face that will wake me up and scare me in order for me to really start working. I think that's happened now. Unfortunately, it happened a little too late and I am quite potentially screwed.

As today is Wednesday, these are some of the things that I am facing over the next few days. Tomorrow, I have a Greek exam; it is a given that a few hours will be needed to study for this because I need to memorize the vocab and learn all the rules of how the words work. I also have to get together with my Sociology group tomorrow to put our presentation together and get ready to present on Tuesday. At night, I'm going to be going to church to have a worship practice with people I have never played with before. Automatically, that takes another few hours out of my day. All of this is kind of hindering at what I really want to focus on the most: my Practical Theology paper. This beast of a thing is to be ten to twelve pages, and just today have I started to do my research - it's due on Monday. This weekend, I'm going to have to also put together a couple of somewhat minor papers for my Practicum Reflection class, but they're not as minor in the sense that my prof is very particular about what and how he wants the paper to be done. My first paper, although it was my fault for forgetting about it, shows that certain profs like things done in ways that others may not. With the weekend approaching, I have to meet my practicum peoples on Friday; then there is a missions conference over the weekend which I am helping with worship.

Now that I seem to have woken up from the "summer syndrome" that kept me from being productive for the first month and a half of school, I am finally finding the ability to focus - kind of. The main concern for me is the theology paper on communion but there are so many other little assignments and stuff that I need to do, it makes for a very choppy and itchy progress.

So now that I'm about to go for supper, hoping that it tastes good tonight, I guess I found some time to blog and vent out some of the things that I need to do. I would never intentionally put myself into this position for being so cramped for time; but hey, this is my biggest weakness after all. I just hope that I can finish things to the quality that I'd like them to be because I know what I'm capable of, the laziness just prevents me from doing that.

GET TO WORK!

Giving Thanks

I think it's an annual thing (duh!) where everyone writes off a list of things that they are grateful for when the time of Thanksgiving comes around.

And of course, we're also going to complain about why we don't live like this everyday and only be thankful for one weekend of the year.

Anyways, I am specially thankful for my parents. I've said this a few times before, but I strongly believe that I have the best parents in the world. Obviously, almost everyone will disagree with me and I can totally understand, since "best" is usually of an opinion anyway. Regardless, there is nothing that will or could change my mind about thinking that though, about having the #1 parents in the world.

I keep thinking about where I am, and then thinking about how much of it has to do with my parents. Simply speaking, the only reason that I am today is because of my parents. And really, that's about all that needs to be said. I am a living testimony of my parents work, and there is no way I could ever even come close to being a portion of the parent that my parents are. The only reason why people would think highly of me is because of the reputation and status that my parents have held me up to.

I could go on and on, but I feel that this is quite enough to be said.

(=

A State of Trance

Tonight just may be one of my favorite Sunday nights of all time. To kind of throw you right into where I'm right now, paint yourself this picture -

You're sitting in your bed, covers pulled up to your waist and your back leaning on your pillow. Your laptop is sitting gently on your lap and you have your earphones plugged into your ears from your computer. There's a lot of things happening outside; but right now, you just don't give a damn. The music that's flowing from the computer to your ears is just so calm and soothing to your mind. You're in a state of trance, of solitude. Nothing else matters right now and you can just about feel every muscle in your body being relaxed. Not a care in the world.

The only thing that I left open was what kind of music was playing. Recently, and partly because I haven't been able to find some good new music, I've diverted to a lot of electronica. Just a few years ago, I was never a fan of electronica because I felt the music never had any flow or any structure to it. All it ever was were just beats and a catchy little riff or something that lasted a few minutes. But I can legitimately say that there's some talent out there now with the electronica that's being produced. And no, I don't mean club music or any of that kind of stuff.

Okay, maybe a bit of it can be played in clubs, but they're better. Or maybe my tastes have just changed? Who knows. But I've discovered something so full of bliss with this kind of music - it captivates my entire spirit, it seems. Most of what I'm listening to is really calm, engaging and relaxing music. You can call it musical therapy.

So tonight, coincidentally, a lot of my friends and I just so happened to be expecting a long night of work or studying. I know how grueling these nights can be so I decided to try to do something to make it more fun and lighten it up a bit! I threw out a challenge on Facebook that seemed to spread even beyond just my circle of friends! Definitely a proud moment. So I gathered all the pictures that I had seen with my friends work stations and posted them into one post on my Tumblr if you want to see.

I know that it ultimately might have hindered my productivity, but I'll trade my work for good fellowship and bonding time any day. It's all about relationships after all ain't it?

So anyways, as I sit in my bed in the situation that I described above, I am listening to my music and I'm absolutely in a state of trance. Everything that I'm typing out right now is literally all that I'm thinking about, translated from my brain to my fingers. There isn't another thought outside of one other one, that I haven't typed on this blog post over the last several minutes. And I feel like that thought probably isn't worth sharing, haha.

To be honest, I haven't felt this relaxed mentally in a very long time. I'm sure I'll eventually come back to gripes with all that I need to do, but I feel like this is so good for me and a lot of other people: to have that time in the day where they can just relax and drift away for a long time and not care about it at all.

In case you're wondering about what I'm listening to and want to search some of it up, you can! Aside from a lot of that popular and "mainstream" electronica like the trance and techno crap that is out there, I'm listening to Blue Sky Black Death and Ludique. I will warn you now that this isn't music for everyone. It's just what I found works for me. It's really helped me calm myself and sometimes I just don't want to escape from the state that I've been put into. Haha.

So with September being out of the way, I hope everyone has had a good first month and are excited and looking forward to all the sweet happenings that October has to offer!

The next thing I need to work on is silence.