Based on what was originally planned, I would be back in Calgary by now. The thing about life, is that you can plan anything to the finest detail; but there is always possibility that it doesn't turn out the way you initially intended. You can study for hours, memorizing every term and concept, and still end up with a B.
Anyways, an unfortunate event happened last week that caused a family reunion type of thing this weekend. It's so awesome, every time family gets together after having been away for months or years. But the thing is that you always want to gather for the right reasons. But like I said before, we don't control the world; sometimes we try to, but that's just foolish.
I only recall attending one funeral in my life. I was still really young and did not know very much of what was going on and the significance of everything. This time, though, it was much different. I tell people that I have a very large family. When I do, it usually includes all my cousins, my cousins' cousins, and sometimes even my cousins' cousins' cousins. I don't know the proper term for it in English - second cousin or whatever. I don't know everyone as well as I'd like, but you can't win them all.
When we stand in front of death face to face, there is a fear. I think I can speak for almost everyone that the fear is one of uncertainty. Death is the one thing in life that humans cannot rule over. Our minds are powerful enough to do pretty much everything we have ever dreamed of, except conquering death. Death is caused by sin, so there is proof that we are all sinners whether or not we admit it. For me, sitting in that service today, it was so hard not to feel awful or even tear up. Seeing people in such pain is something that has always been something that bothered me. But I'm going to sound and seem very cynical and pessimistic. I don't think we face these situations enough. We see it in movies, we can think about it all we want, but when we're actually there, it's a totally different monster. I'm not saying that it's good to see people leave the earth, but since we don't really think much about this touchy subject, we often don't know how to respond properly, or know what it feels like. Whether someone goes to heaven or hell, that is between them and God; I wouldn't know, and I can only hope it's the former.
Today, as I sat in that spot in the pew, I kept picturing in my mind God walking side by side with her as he was showing her all the cool things he wanted her to see. Through all the weeping and sorrow, it brought a glimpse of joy to me. Everything that was shared, and all the people that showed up really testifies, not only to her, but in a general sense of how much impact someone has had in this world. Even though there weren't a whole lot, my experiences confirm this 100%. It's too bad I never really get to know people as much as I'd like, because I think there's something to like in every person.
There was also a point where I broadened up everything and thought to myself, "how can anyone possibly not believe in God?" Even if it is for the sake of the whole afterlife thing, or at least some sort of hope that life is more than what we see, how can anyone come out to say flat out that there is no God. I guess to make myself a bit more clear, I'm talking about the God that created the world. I've also often wondered how God is perceived differently through different people. Would the God that I believe and know be different from yours? So I guess as a universal common theme that we should share is by going back to creation. Because God reveals himself differently and works in different ways, we have to see the bigger picture through the universe that he created. You can call me crazy, but I just find it impossible to deny the existence of our God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I mean, everything points that way. Like C.S. Lewis said, if you don't believe it, you're either a lunatic or a liar.
Another thing is that while you're in the midst of all that is happening, how do you not think about what it would be like to be in everyone else's shoes? What if it was you that God had decided that your time is up, or you that are the immediate family? It was tough, and I definitely cannot even imagine the pain to be so closely related to the situation.
Anyways, my reading week seems so insignificant given the events that have happened; and I don't mind putting aside blogging about myself to acknowledge these things. There's a lot more that I can say, but I'm getting a bit tired and I will be going back to Calgary tomorrow, so I'll need to get some sleep. I hope that God has revealed himself in some capacity to everyone that was affected.
Rest in peace. I hope I'll get to see you one day, along with everyone else who was called by him to be his own. Then, we'll really get to celebrate.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Empty
I've been given the privilege to come back to Edmonton for Reading Week; and I'm pretty stoked to be home. Seeing family is always such a refreshing and relieving sight, especially having been away for a little while. It's always good to know you belong somewhere.
Anyways, certain things have happened and have made me think about emptiness. I haven't been able to figure out any good reasons for something to be empty; if you have one, let me know and I'll give you credit! Whether it is empty on gas, empty in your glass, empty in the stomach, they are generally not the coolest feelings. In fact, I experience those things rather frequently, haha.
With the career path that I am going into, it's quite known that the income isn't the greatest. I can testify that I haven't even finished my first year, and I am already feeling what it's like to be broke. After the first few weeks of January, it had gotten to a point where I opened my wallet and there was nothing inside. It was completely empty in terms of money. I can honestly say that I've been so spoiled in my life, that the first time I opened my wallet to see that it was empty, it was such a painful feeling. It's so hard to describe because I cannot relate it to anything or provide any metaphors to explain it. But it did not feel good. Lucky for me, there are some people that care enough about me to help with this issue. I used to tell people that I had no money when I didn't want to spend it, and it was all fun and games; but now, when I say it, it's truth. I don't like to have people to pay for my stuff; but that means I don't like that Jesus has to pay for my sins, so I probably cannot say that. And don't get me wrong, I don't say "I don't have money" hoping that someone pays for me - I used to, but not anymore. Being broke isn't very cool. Rest assured, I do have a bit of money now because of some belated red pocket money that I got from Chinese New Years. Hopefully it lasts me the rest of this term.
I have also heard a few people talk about something in the last couple months. When you're young, there is always something that you are absolutely in love with. Toys, activities, whatever it was, nothing could possibly separate you from the thing you loved. Eventually, you grow out of it, and then that love gets placed into the closet, or stored away somewhere else. Years later, you suddenly stumble upon this thing, and it just brings back a flood of memories and good times. Sometimes, you will be so amazed that you'll fall in love with it again, causing you to try to rekindle that experience you had, only to find that it just isn't the same. All the memories in your mind and the pictures of what was once your life, it's not the same. I am worrying that I am getting that feeling right now. But it's not with any object or hobby or something, it's much bigger. That feeling is also something like an emptiness. When it's all in my mind, it's heaven; but when I actually get back to it in reality, it's rather disappointing. Even though it's really cool and nice to have that refreshing feeling, I think it's sometimes better to just put the past where it belongs and move on. It's always important to acknowledge your past because it shaped you into who you are. But the past is what it is, so sometimes it's better to just leave things there. I wonder if many others that might have been in a similar situation as I am ever felt the same. Probably.
This is about as pessimistic as I am willing to get.
Spend some time with your family tomorrow! Even a phone call would probably be much appreciated.
Anyways, certain things have happened and have made me think about emptiness. I haven't been able to figure out any good reasons for something to be empty; if you have one, let me know and I'll give you credit! Whether it is empty on gas, empty in your glass, empty in the stomach, they are generally not the coolest feelings. In fact, I experience those things rather frequently, haha.
With the career path that I am going into, it's quite known that the income isn't the greatest. I can testify that I haven't even finished my first year, and I am already feeling what it's like to be broke. After the first few weeks of January, it had gotten to a point where I opened my wallet and there was nothing inside. It was completely empty in terms of money. I can honestly say that I've been so spoiled in my life, that the first time I opened my wallet to see that it was empty, it was such a painful feeling. It's so hard to describe because I cannot relate it to anything or provide any metaphors to explain it. But it did not feel good. Lucky for me, there are some people that care enough about me to help with this issue. I used to tell people that I had no money when I didn't want to spend it, and it was all fun and games; but now, when I say it, it's truth. I don't like to have people to pay for my stuff; but that means I don't like that Jesus has to pay for my sins, so I probably cannot say that. And don't get me wrong, I don't say "I don't have money" hoping that someone pays for me - I used to, but not anymore. Being broke isn't very cool. Rest assured, I do have a bit of money now because of some belated red pocket money that I got from Chinese New Years. Hopefully it lasts me the rest of this term.
I have also heard a few people talk about something in the last couple months. When you're young, there is always something that you are absolutely in love with. Toys, activities, whatever it was, nothing could possibly separate you from the thing you loved. Eventually, you grow out of it, and then that love gets placed into the closet, or stored away somewhere else. Years later, you suddenly stumble upon this thing, and it just brings back a flood of memories and good times. Sometimes, you will be so amazed that you'll fall in love with it again, causing you to try to rekindle that experience you had, only to find that it just isn't the same. All the memories in your mind and the pictures of what was once your life, it's not the same. I am worrying that I am getting that feeling right now. But it's not with any object or hobby or something, it's much bigger. That feeling is also something like an emptiness. When it's all in my mind, it's heaven; but when I actually get back to it in reality, it's rather disappointing. Even though it's really cool and nice to have that refreshing feeling, I think it's sometimes better to just put the past where it belongs and move on. It's always important to acknowledge your past because it shaped you into who you are. But the past is what it is, so sometimes it's better to just leave things there. I wonder if many others that might have been in a similar situation as I am ever felt the same. Probably.
This is about as pessimistic as I am willing to get.
Spend some time with your family tomorrow! Even a phone call would probably be much appreciated.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Lag
Throughout all my life experiences, I have come to the conclusion that lag is not cool. My first experience of lag would be in the game called StarCraft. This StarCraft computer game has eaten up many hours of my life; but it brings out the nerd in me, so I don't mind. It is always good to be nerdy sometimes, because it makes you feel like there is hope in this society of dumb. I'm not saying people are dumb; actually, that is what I'm saying. Society as a whole has become dumb and dumberer - myself included. However, that is a totally different topic, and I will say no more; or else people will be at the front of my door with pitchforks. But, believe me, there is no need to do that. Because in relation with StarCraft, I can't really play right now due to the lag. I've tried to make some fixes and adjustments to improve the gameplay; but it was so bad to begin with, it doesn't matter how much tweaking I do, it will still lag quite badly when I play. Curse you graphics demanding applications! /endnerd
Much of the experiences I have with lag has always been associated with a computer, until the last couple years. When I started driving, I absolutely failed at judging on how much time it takes for me to get from point A to point B. Today, I still struggle with that. And I know I am not alone when I say that being lagged by traffic is one of the most stressful and miserable things one can experience. There's been multiple accounts on where I have been affected by traffic lag, and there will be many more.
A third type of lag is a universal force. No, not jetlag because not everyone is that affected by it. I am talking about procrastination. Here I am again, saying that I am falling behind in school work; thus, I am lagging behind in my assignments and readings. I just finished a paper not too long ago, it was a book review. I'd be lying if I said I read even half the book, let alone all of it. I get hella lucky with these things, and I know it's going to catch up to me. I have been trying to get by this term through halfass-ing my readings and assignments. Not a good start, and we're almost into the Reading Week - which, I am super stoked about.
In other news, I went to Market Mall today so I could fool around in the Apple store. I'm honestly not sure why I went, because I already have a good idea of how Macs work. Anything beyond the basics, I'd probably have to personally have one in my possession for some amount of time in order to dig deeper in how these computers function. Lucky for me, it looks like the new MacBook Pro will be updated in March sometime. After it comes out, I'll wait a little bit to see some early reviews, and then I'll go make my purchase.
Umm, in some more earthly matters, life is good. School has been a much more pleasant experience this time around, minus the laziness. The slow adjustment continues to move forward and I'm excited to keep going on. I am also beginning the process of looking for a church to do my practicum at next year. On top of that, I will NEED to start looking for a summer job as well. After the MacBook Pro burns a hole in my pants, I need to patch it up quick, so that is why I need a good paying and fun summer job!
I'm single, but happy valentines day to those of you that it applies to!
Much of the experiences I have with lag has always been associated with a computer, until the last couple years. When I started driving, I absolutely failed at judging on how much time it takes for me to get from point A to point B. Today, I still struggle with that. And I know I am not alone when I say that being lagged by traffic is one of the most stressful and miserable things one can experience. There's been multiple accounts on where I have been affected by traffic lag, and there will be many more.
A third type of lag is a universal force. No, not jetlag because not everyone is that affected by it. I am talking about procrastination. Here I am again, saying that I am falling behind in school work; thus, I am lagging behind in my assignments and readings. I just finished a paper not too long ago, it was a book review. I'd be lying if I said I read even half the book, let alone all of it. I get hella lucky with these things, and I know it's going to catch up to me. I have been trying to get by this term through halfass-ing my readings and assignments. Not a good start, and we're almost into the Reading Week - which, I am super stoked about.
In other news, I went to Market Mall today so I could fool around in the Apple store. I'm honestly not sure why I went, because I already have a good idea of how Macs work. Anything beyond the basics, I'd probably have to personally have one in my possession for some amount of time in order to dig deeper in how these computers function. Lucky for me, it looks like the new MacBook Pro will be updated in March sometime. After it comes out, I'll wait a little bit to see some early reviews, and then I'll go make my purchase.
Umm, in some more earthly matters, life is good. School has been a much more pleasant experience this time around, minus the laziness. The slow adjustment continues to move forward and I'm excited to keep going on. I am also beginning the process of looking for a church to do my practicum at next year. On top of that, I will NEED to start looking for a summer job as well. After the MacBook Pro burns a hole in my pants, I need to patch it up quick, so that is why I need a good paying and fun summer job!
I'm single, but happy valentines day to those of you that it applies to!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Teenage Dream
Not everyone gets the privilege to be writing a paper on their 20th birthday; but as I am a very lucky person, I am doing just that. Though, I still think I will procrastinate until after lunch before I get started.
On a different note, very rarely can I justify for songs to have swears in them. Those songs that drop an F bomb every half a second shows how weak the artist's vocabulary is. When I try to relate this with my teen years, the two words from a song I've been listening to recently describes the last 10 years perfectly. Yes, it is Pink's new song called F*ckin' Perfect. Those would be the two words in which I would use to describe my time as a teenager, and it is completely warranted too. My years as a teen wasn't perfect in the sense that it was flawless, but it was perfect in that everything happened the way it did to make me who I am today. The F bomb in there just puts the emphasis, an adjective - so to speak - on how perfect it was.
Umm, most of my teenage years, I kind of just dreamt them away; almost literally, as I spent a lot of time daydreaming in class, on the car, in my room, etc. Obviously, for someone as young as I am, you can only draw from what you've already lived through; so all I can say right now is that my last 10 years shaped who I am right now.
In terms of this blog, which I created in 2008, this is the third birthday it has lived through. Back in February of 2009, I turned 18 and this is what I had to say at the time. Some friends were nice enough to throw in quite a bit of money to get me the current pair of Nudies I am working on. So, since today marks the two year mark of when I got my Grim Tims, I think I win for longest pair of jeans to go unwashed amongst people that I personally know. But don't get me wrong, just because I haven't washed them doesn't mean I've worn them as much as others have worn theirs. I am still so proud that there is recognition being shown about the whole concept of raw denim - even though most of it is hate. It's kind of funny how I said I'd wash the Tims on the summer of 2010; and look at it now, it's 2011 and I still haven't washed them. Another thing that happened when I turned 18 was when we went to the YMCA to play hockey. It just so happened to be a Saturday that we decided to play hockey, and a Saturday that my birthday decided to fall on. I never intended for that surprise party, which led to the whole hockey playing being kind of a special event for me. I know at least 1 person that wasn't too impressed with that. Haha, but it's all good. Also of note, I believe, is that just a couple days after I became legal, I found God's calling waiting for me; from that point on, my life changed for good.
The day I turned 19, according to my blog, was one of the strangest days I've ever had. I think February of 2010, in general, was just pretty surreal. Right when my birthday rolled around, the Olympics were kicking into full gear. However, according to this blog post, it reminded me of some rather awkward times. It was a Sunday morning, and I was leading worship. From what I remember and my point of view, I was just saying good morning to the congregation, when suddenly I hear Theo counting "1, 2, 3...". The team suddenly starts singing happy birthday. Like, seriously, who does that? LOL. Shortly afterward, someone from Athletes In Action came to share about their ministries because of the success in the soccer camps we ran in the previous few years. During that same sharing, it was mentioned multiple times how the worship team was one of the best she's ever seen and how capable I am of being a soccer coach for the summer camps. I wasn't even going to apply for the job because I applied the year before and realized how under-qualified I was. But I was called out so much, I was pretty much forced to apply because the idea of me getting the job was sold quite well to the entire congregation. Low and behold, I didn't get the job again. When I found out, I was rather bitter about it because how can you go so far to hype someone up and then go, "oh nevermind, we don't want you." Of course, I was extremely disappointed; but a few weeks later, I found out that the coordinator was actually pushing very hard to get me the job; however, due to my lack of involvement in soccer in the last few years, I wasn't able to keep up. Just a note to what that means, is that I stopped playing soccer seriously after grade 10.
I've only mentioned my birthdays post-high school, because that was when I started this blog. And let's face it, most of my high school days are rather forgettable. So, I guess that is how I had spent my last two birthdays. I've mentioned before that the last 3 or 4 years have been insanely huge for me in terms of growth. I'm so thankful for everyone of you that have been part of my life; and I will probably never be able to let go of the attachment that I have for everyone. I am just a result of the awesome that I was surrounded with by the people I know.
Thanks boss.
On a different note, very rarely can I justify for songs to have swears in them. Those songs that drop an F bomb every half a second shows how weak the artist's vocabulary is. When I try to relate this with my teen years, the two words from a song I've been listening to recently describes the last 10 years perfectly. Yes, it is Pink's new song called F*ckin' Perfect. Those would be the two words in which I would use to describe my time as a teenager, and it is completely warranted too. My years as a teen wasn't perfect in the sense that it was flawless, but it was perfect in that everything happened the way it did to make me who I am today. The F bomb in there just puts the emphasis, an adjective - so to speak - on how perfect it was.
Umm, most of my teenage years, I kind of just dreamt them away; almost literally, as I spent a lot of time daydreaming in class, on the car, in my room, etc. Obviously, for someone as young as I am, you can only draw from what you've already lived through; so all I can say right now is that my last 10 years shaped who I am right now.
In terms of this blog, which I created in 2008, this is the third birthday it has lived through. Back in February of 2009, I turned 18 and this is what I had to say at the time. Some friends were nice enough to throw in quite a bit of money to get me the current pair of Nudies I am working on. So, since today marks the two year mark of when I got my Grim Tims, I think I win for longest pair of jeans to go unwashed amongst people that I personally know. But don't get me wrong, just because I haven't washed them doesn't mean I've worn them as much as others have worn theirs. I am still so proud that there is recognition being shown about the whole concept of raw denim - even though most of it is hate. It's kind of funny how I said I'd wash the Tims on the summer of 2010; and look at it now, it's 2011 and I still haven't washed them. Another thing that happened when I turned 18 was when we went to the YMCA to play hockey. It just so happened to be a Saturday that we decided to play hockey, and a Saturday that my birthday decided to fall on. I never intended for that surprise party, which led to the whole hockey playing being kind of a special event for me. I know at least 1 person that wasn't too impressed with that. Haha, but it's all good. Also of note, I believe, is that just a couple days after I became legal, I found God's calling waiting for me; from that point on, my life changed for good.
The day I turned 19, according to my blog, was one of the strangest days I've ever had. I think February of 2010, in general, was just pretty surreal. Right when my birthday rolled around, the Olympics were kicking into full gear. However, according to this blog post, it reminded me of some rather awkward times. It was a Sunday morning, and I was leading worship. From what I remember and my point of view, I was just saying good morning to the congregation, when suddenly I hear Theo counting "1, 2, 3...". The team suddenly starts singing happy birthday. Like, seriously, who does that? LOL. Shortly afterward, someone from Athletes In Action came to share about their ministries because of the success in the soccer camps we ran in the previous few years. During that same sharing, it was mentioned multiple times how the worship team was one of the best she's ever seen and how capable I am of being a soccer coach for the summer camps. I wasn't even going to apply for the job because I applied the year before and realized how under-qualified I was. But I was called out so much, I was pretty much forced to apply because the idea of me getting the job was sold quite well to the entire congregation. Low and behold, I didn't get the job again. When I found out, I was rather bitter about it because how can you go so far to hype someone up and then go, "oh nevermind, we don't want you." Of course, I was extremely disappointed; but a few weeks later, I found out that the coordinator was actually pushing very hard to get me the job; however, due to my lack of involvement in soccer in the last few years, I wasn't able to keep up. Just a note to what that means, is that I stopped playing soccer seriously after grade 10.
I've only mentioned my birthdays post-high school, because that was when I started this blog. And let's face it, most of my high school days are rather forgettable. So, I guess that is how I had spent my last two birthdays. I've mentioned before that the last 3 or 4 years have been insanely huge for me in terms of growth. I'm so thankful for everyone of you that have been part of my life; and I will probably never be able to let go of the attachment that I have for everyone. I am just a result of the awesome that I was surrounded with by the people I know.
Thanks boss.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Why, Hello There
In the case that you don't know about my YouTube channel, I have one. I have also uploaded a new video that I threw together in an extremely quick fashion. I believe the final product was the 3rd time I played the song. The first time, I just played it; the second time I recorded, but did not like; and recorded it one more time, it being what you hear. Here it is: Have Mercy (Everything We Need) - Gord Johnson.
Lately, I have been completely enamored with the MacBook Pro. Everything about it has just made me marvel the computer and I have wanted to go out to purchase it on about a million different occasions. Well, I can't really say lately; I've wanted a Mac for years now. I was kind of hoping that after I graduated high school, my dad would buy one for me. But instead, I got this little guy that I am currently blogging with. There is nothing wrong with my HP laptop, but I can't play StarCraft on it. Add to the fact that pretty much everyone in my school has a Macbook Pro, it makes me insanely envious. God is testing me, even right in the midst of all this "Christian community" stuff. Agh! I've also been following very closely on the 2011 update for the MBP. No one knows when Apple is going to update the computer to the next version, but I am dying here trying to wait. I've spent many nights contemplating whether or not I should just buy the 2010 version and know what I'm getting rather than wait for the new one, potentially risking some StarCraft performance. But nevertheless, I am going to be buying a Macbook pro this year. Most likely, I will get it shortly after the 2011 version comes out. I know some people aren't exactly fond of the idea of me throwing away tuition/rent money for a new computer that I don't really NEED, but I do believe it is justifiable in a couple years. But, as I wait, I'll just sit by myself - talking to the moon.
Anyways, a few days into February, and I am a bit surprised at a certain situation right now. Normally, I'm not big into the whole birthday thing. Yeah, it's cool that it's the day we celebrate being another year older, but I've never really been fond of celebrating my own. I love celebrating with other people, but when it comes to me, no thanks. So what do I do during my birthday then? Nothing special; I just go about what I normally do (this year will be no different with the paper and midterm that is to follow the next couple days), and at the end of the day I thank God for giving me another year. Seriously, that's about it. This time around though, I think it just hit me that I'm about to flip over the first digit. Heck, I don't even realize that most of my friends are already in their 20s let alone myself being there. In my "younger" days, I always looked up to the people that were close to or in their 20s, because they were so cool. I always wished that I'd one day be like them and can, in turn, do the same to inspire some kids at the age to think the same way I did. Looking at my life now, I think I made it. It's amazing what God has done for me; I know I don't even deserve any of it, but I often have to slap myself a few times to come to the realization that I am who I am.
I kind of look at my life, and people left and right, young and old, a lot of them have respect for who I am and what I do. I know not everyone approves of the way I live with my attitude towards life and how I go about things, but I've always felt that the respect was there. I've probably beaten this to death already, but I always say how people think so highly of me, it seems completely unorthodox because I'm nothing special. At around the age of 20, people start hitting their peaks in terms of the cerebral and fitness. Although I feel disgustingly out of shape (walking up stairs make me tired), I think I do feel like I'm beginning to really gain control of a lot of things that are within my reach. It doesn't take a whole lot for me to understand a concept, it is relatively easy for me to process things in my brain and transfer the proper action to my arms and legs. It's pretty cool.
Okay, you know what? I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. Currently I have loud music on, kids are noisy outside, I'm thinking about my potential Macbook, there's something in my eye, and I just cannot focus on this blog entry. In fact, I think I may have just written something about my body. LOL. T_T
I have a few days of being a teen left, gotta make it worthwhile and do things that only teens do!
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