I seem to do this every year: it's December 31st, and after having dinner to celebrate my brother's birthday, I end up finding myself sitting somewhere in the house and blogging about the past year. I have no idea whether or not it will ever amount to anything, but I guess it's a good habit that doesn't really hurt anybody.
This was such a bizarre year, to say the least. Quite honestly, I don't have any words that could really describe how the year went. With the way 2011 ended, it's especially hard for me to really have any positive outlook going into 2012. It's unfortunate, but the sad truth is that I have lost much of my "glass-half-full" mentality. One thing that I will never say is that a year was bad. It's definitely possible that I won't have a good year (by my standards); but to say that I've had a bad year would be doubting God's will.
And this is basically how it went...
I'm never going to forget how strange it was to be home for the first time over an extended break. I tried to fit right back in to the flow of things here at home, but it just didn't work because even though I'm not here anymore, life goes on - things happen. Not to take away from my break though, since it was, and always will be, so refreshing.
I don't really remember anything too remarkable in the winter term, however. School just continued, and I just kept living. When I finished the term, I was so happy to come back home for the summer. At the time, I didn't know what was in store for me because I didn't plan ahead; so when I got back, I went without a job for a couple months, and ended up just being a bum at home. As nice as it was to have time off, it lead me to a whirlwind of events that shaped me up for the rest of the year.
Being accepted to work for AIA changed everything. It's just funny how I had absolutely no intention on applying to be a soccer coach, and yet God used it to have a much larger impact on me than I could ever imagine. Trust me, this whole AIA experience extended beyond just the coaching and the witnessing of lives changing. I will shove this coaching job into one of the many things I don't understand and will definitely be asking God when I get to heaven.
When it came time for me to move into Ambrose's residence, I tried to not be intimidated by anyone or anything. The life I lived from September to December was very much the way I thought it would have turned out in res. I didn't do that well in school because it was just way too hard for me to focus with all the energy and things in general that were happening at school.
The more I think about it now, the more I'm wondering if I really should have spent my holidays the way that I did. I swore to myself that once I got back, I'd do everything in my power to keep myself as occupied and busy as possible. In a lot of ways, I've loved it; but at the same time, am I just running away or burning myself out? Maybe. One thing that I do know, however, is that what's happened has happened, and there's no point in thinking about how things could have been or should have been - I've found, though, that it's way too hard to do that.
So now that I'm here, sandwiched by eternity on both sides of time, I really wish I could be looking at 2012 differently. I started writing this post with no title; but somewhere in between the start and now, I threw in the current title. Let me explain why.
Everyone is celebrating the passing of a new year, making resolutions that are never kept, reflecting and evaluating, all sorts of things that we do during the time when we flip calendars. My attitude is that none of these things are a big deal at all. Another year has come and gone, another one awaits us: big whoop, it's happened thousands of times. Years from now, heck even months or days, does any of this matter? Probably not. I don't mean to be pooping on your party, but life can be so dull sometimes. Eventually, we just go back to our routines of school or work; once in a while, something nice will happen - like getting a promotion, or graduating - but at the end of the day, it's all the same. This fallen world that we live in is just so messed up. Some of the nicest people that deserve all the fortune this world has to offer get pushed around and kicked to the dirt while the idiots get to feel like the world bows before them.
Call it bitterness; call it self-pity; or call it whatever you want. Point is, I'm tired of learning how to grow up. I was thinking about making the claim of being tired of waiting for God to work and make life pretty, but I knew that I'd get a lot of crap for saying that, so why not just direct it all at myself, seeing as this way I don't have to have people "correct my way of thinking about God's omnipotence and blah blah blah."
Have a great freaking new year.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
A Spotless Mind
"What are you studying?"
I always have fun with that question. I've given answers that ranged from, "I go to a private college" to "I'm gonna be a PASTOR, man!" Depending on who it is I get asked by, the response will vary. And for the times that I do straight up say that I'm studying Christian ministries, the responses I get are always interesting. And because I'm in this track of study, it also implies that I love to watch people. And because I love to watch people, seeing their responses, whether verbal or just simply a face that they make, is very amusing. I'm quite confident that some people passed judgment on me when I tell them I want to be a pastor; but I quite honestly don't mind so much... anymore, at least. When I first accepted God's calling into ministry, I was so timid and so scared to tell people because I didn't know what kind of reception it'd get. But now, I've just kind of learned to shove it aside and do what's right. But to say that I never have times of doubt or second guessing would mean that I'd be lying. And eventually, when things come back full circle in re-confirming my calling, it's pretty surreal in how it's done.
As for progress on "Love Wins", it slowed down over the last couple of days. For some strange reason, I caught the stomach flu on Christmas Eve and I felt like crap for most of the day. But all of a sudden, when I woke up on Christmas Day, I felt way better. And when I woke up this morning, I feel more or less like regular again. Pretty quick recovery ability, yeah? I don't know what that has anything to do with reading the book, but maybe it interrupted my flow. The only thing I have to say so far is that Rob Bell raises some really good points.
A few days back, I also re-watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." The first time I watched this movie was in high school, and I had no idea what the heck happened. I was explained to of most of the details that went on, and the concept of it blew my mind away. I think it's fair to say that most people have trouble catching onto non-linear plots or storylines, as in the case of this movie. So, that's why I wanted to watch it again; and even watching it for the third time now, there were still parts of the movies that seemed to be left open ended and made me guess at what the writer was trying to say in that specific part. But what really captured me, like anything else that attracts me, is the story of the movie. If something has a good story to it, I'm almost always going to like it.
People always debate over the whole fate versus chance thing in life, and I felt that this movie depicts it so well. I'm a firm believer in the fate that God has already determined and that everything is just unfolding day by day. So, adding that belief into my already vulnerable self, the movie hits home. Also, movies that involve a lot of thinking and contemplation are movies that I like to watch (but maybe not so much the political stuff)! I know Jim Carrey is more of a comedy guy, but he did a pretty good job in this movie.
One thing, though, that this movie reminded me of is how real some of the underlying themes are in comparison to real life. I've seen it when people not only fall in love, but fall off the face of the earth after they find someone; it sucks especially when it's someone that you're close to, and all of a sudden you just don't seem to matter anymore because that special someone is all that matters to him/her. I've also seen where a couple can be dating, then break up for some really dumb reason, only to find themselves together again in the future. A lot of times, that breakup might have been warranted for them to see how much they meant to each other, so it worked out in the end; and drawing from what I said about everything happening for a reason, it's all good that it happened that way because it was meant to be.
Loved that movie. Not a fan of most chick flicks, but this one is probably my favorite of all time. Next up, Shawshank Redemption. I also watched Transformers 3 last night, which was one of the movies I completely missed out on over the summer because AIA took all of me.
As for Boxing Day, I only went to South Edmonton Common today and bought myself a pair of sweats. Lame, I know; but tomorrow is round two at WEM! I am still in need of a new pair of shoes to fix my... well, everything!
I always have fun with that question. I've given answers that ranged from, "I go to a private college" to "I'm gonna be a PASTOR, man!" Depending on who it is I get asked by, the response will vary. And for the times that I do straight up say that I'm studying Christian ministries, the responses I get are always interesting. And because I'm in this track of study, it also implies that I love to watch people. And because I love to watch people, seeing their responses, whether verbal or just simply a face that they make, is very amusing. I'm quite confident that some people passed judgment on me when I tell them I want to be a pastor; but I quite honestly don't mind so much... anymore, at least. When I first accepted God's calling into ministry, I was so timid and so scared to tell people because I didn't know what kind of reception it'd get. But now, I've just kind of learned to shove it aside and do what's right. But to say that I never have times of doubt or second guessing would mean that I'd be lying. And eventually, when things come back full circle in re-confirming my calling, it's pretty surreal in how it's done.
As for progress on "Love Wins", it slowed down over the last couple of days. For some strange reason, I caught the stomach flu on Christmas Eve and I felt like crap for most of the day. But all of a sudden, when I woke up on Christmas Day, I felt way better. And when I woke up this morning, I feel more or less like regular again. Pretty quick recovery ability, yeah? I don't know what that has anything to do with reading the book, but maybe it interrupted my flow. The only thing I have to say so far is that Rob Bell raises some really good points.
A few days back, I also re-watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." The first time I watched this movie was in high school, and I had no idea what the heck happened. I was explained to of most of the details that went on, and the concept of it blew my mind away. I think it's fair to say that most people have trouble catching onto non-linear plots or storylines, as in the case of this movie. So, that's why I wanted to watch it again; and even watching it for the third time now, there were still parts of the movies that seemed to be left open ended and made me guess at what the writer was trying to say in that specific part. But what really captured me, like anything else that attracts me, is the story of the movie. If something has a good story to it, I'm almost always going to like it.
People always debate over the whole fate versus chance thing in life, and I felt that this movie depicts it so well. I'm a firm believer in the fate that God has already determined and that everything is just unfolding day by day. So, adding that belief into my already vulnerable self, the movie hits home. Also, movies that involve a lot of thinking and contemplation are movies that I like to watch (but maybe not so much the political stuff)! I know Jim Carrey is more of a comedy guy, but he did a pretty good job in this movie.
One thing, though, that this movie reminded me of is how real some of the underlying themes are in comparison to real life. I've seen it when people not only fall in love, but fall off the face of the earth after they find someone; it sucks especially when it's someone that you're close to, and all of a sudden you just don't seem to matter anymore because that special someone is all that matters to him/her. I've also seen where a couple can be dating, then break up for some really dumb reason, only to find themselves together again in the future. A lot of times, that breakup might have been warranted for them to see how much they meant to each other, so it worked out in the end; and drawing from what I said about everything happening for a reason, it's all good that it happened that way because it was meant to be.
Loved that movie. Not a fan of most chick flicks, but this one is probably my favorite of all time. Next up, Shawshank Redemption. I also watched Transformers 3 last night, which was one of the movies I completely missed out on over the summer because AIA took all of me.
As for Boxing Day, I only went to South Edmonton Common today and bought myself a pair of sweats. Lame, I know; but tomorrow is round two at WEM! I am still in need of a new pair of shoes to fix my... well, everything!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Bliss
Having been home for a week now, I'm quite at peace. I know it's 1 in the morning on Christmas Eve, but I thought I'd blog anyway. Haha.
Even though I'm blogging, I don't really know what I want to say. I've kept myself busy more or less everyday in some way. Got a pretty sweet opportunity to watch a bunch of people, including my brother, get baptized the first Sunday. Aside from my brother, I've had some sort of connection with a couple of other people that got baptized because I got the chance to monitor their past couple years in their path to baptism.
I got to go shopping on multiple occasions this week, and as predicted, I spent the money that I told myself not to spend. However, other than a case and screen protector for my phone, I haven't spent any of the money on myself. That's a plus right? I also bought the book "Love Wins" by Rob Bell. For the past little while, even though it's died down a little bit, people have been barking left and right about what Rob Bell wrote in this book. I wanted to comment, and I wanted to fire back according to what people have told me about the book, but I felt that it wasn't for me to be giving my thoughts on a book that I haven't even read yet. And so I went to buy the book yesterday!
Anyways, tomorrow (or technically today) is Christmas Eve; time goes by way too fast. I looked at the weather and I couldn't believe that it will be plus temperatures this Christmas. Global warming is seriously eating us alive. When January and February comes around, I feel like temperatures might run extremely low, down to the negative 40s on a consistent basis. That does not bode well for our climate.
So, to wrap up the bliss of being home for a week, I will need to buy myself some more sweats because I only have like two of each. I'm excited for the province of Alberta because so many people from around the world will be here over the next couple weeks for the World Juniors; exciting times are definitely around. However, you can count on me to definitely not be around the big attractions of the city because everyone will be there!
Merry Christmas everyone! <3
Even though I'm blogging, I don't really know what I want to say. I've kept myself busy more or less everyday in some way. Got a pretty sweet opportunity to watch a bunch of people, including my brother, get baptized the first Sunday. Aside from my brother, I've had some sort of connection with a couple of other people that got baptized because I got the chance to monitor their past couple years in their path to baptism.
I got to go shopping on multiple occasions this week, and as predicted, I spent the money that I told myself not to spend. However, other than a case and screen protector for my phone, I haven't spent any of the money on myself. That's a plus right? I also bought the book "Love Wins" by Rob Bell. For the past little while, even though it's died down a little bit, people have been barking left and right about what Rob Bell wrote in this book. I wanted to comment, and I wanted to fire back according to what people have told me about the book, but I felt that it wasn't for me to be giving my thoughts on a book that I haven't even read yet. And so I went to buy the book yesterday!
Anyways, tomorrow (or technically today) is Christmas Eve; time goes by way too fast. I looked at the weather and I couldn't believe that it will be plus temperatures this Christmas. Global warming is seriously eating us alive. When January and February comes around, I feel like temperatures might run extremely low, down to the negative 40s on a consistent basis. That does not bode well for our climate.
So, to wrap up the bliss of being home for a week, I will need to buy myself some more sweats because I only have like two of each. I'm excited for the province of Alberta because so many people from around the world will be here over the next couple weeks for the World Juniors; exciting times are definitely around. However, you can count on me to definitely not be around the big attractions of the city because everyone will be there!
Merry Christmas everyone! <3
Saturday, December 17, 2011
That Feeling
I was guilty of rushing my exam yesterday so I could get out as fast as I could to leave Calgary and come home. It was a long drive, but I made it.
When I drove passed the "Welcome to Edmonton" sign, and began to get closer to South Common, this tremendous wave of peace and joy washed over me like I have never felt before. As many people who have been keeping tabs on my life lately, it has been rather stormy. So in a sense, even the smallest bits of true, genuine joy feels like I just won at life or something. After being enveloped by that joy for about a minute, I caught myself with the biggest smile on my face.
I'm not sure if it was just a matter of finishing a semester and being able to go home for a few weeks or something else, but there was such a sense of freedom - like I was released from some disease that was intoxicating my being.
But yeah, anyways, I'm so glad that I'm home. I don't want to make it sound that way, but sometimes school can feel like a prison, especially when you spend literally your entire day there. This reminds me. I'm going to watch Shawshank Redemption again over this break so I can relate to it more. Haha.
This break, I'm going to keep myself as busy as I can; so if anyone ever wants to just hang out or do something, call me up! I am up for almost anything.
Also, I need a new phone.
When I drove passed the "Welcome to Edmonton" sign, and began to get closer to South Common, this tremendous wave of peace and joy washed over me like I have never felt before. As many people who have been keeping tabs on my life lately, it has been rather stormy. So in a sense, even the smallest bits of true, genuine joy feels like I just won at life or something. After being enveloped by that joy for about a minute, I caught myself with the biggest smile on my face.
I'm not sure if it was just a matter of finishing a semester and being able to go home for a few weeks or something else, but there was such a sense of freedom - like I was released from some disease that was intoxicating my being.
But yeah, anyways, I'm so glad that I'm home. I don't want to make it sound that way, but sometimes school can feel like a prison, especially when you spend literally your entire day there. This reminds me. I'm going to watch Shawshank Redemption again over this break so I can relate to it more. Haha.
This break, I'm going to keep myself as busy as I can; so if anyone ever wants to just hang out or do something, call me up! I am up for almost anything.
Also, I need a new phone.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
T-Minus 1
I kind of wonder if the numbers I have reading this blog now is anywhere close to what it used to be. It seems most people have moved to Tumblr for good. But, because I am a clingy person, I will never abandon my Blogspot! Haha.
Class ended last Thursday, so it's been a week now. Last Friday, I basically took the day off; and at night, we had our annual Ambrose's Christmas banquet. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed it even though it could have been better. However, I won't complain because I go to school and live with some of the most amazing people that exist.
After the banquet, exams began the very next morning. I felt bad for those that went to the banquet and then had to get up to write a test the next day. But it looks like everyone is surviving quite well so far. Except me, maybe. I wrote my Greek "final" this past Monday, and it was tough. The test was just the third of three translation tests we had to do for this course; but because it just so happened to fall on finals week, my prof decided to make it harder and use some words that we don't normally use. So, I had a bit of trouble figuring out what the passage meant. But either way, it's over now, and I'll take what I can get.
Over the last two days, I am not quite sure what I did. All that I can recall is sitting at my desk for much of the day without much production. Actually, most of what I've been doing over the last couple days have all taken place inside of my head. Haha. The amount of thinking I did is actually quite amazing I think. From video games, to reality, to alternate realities, to my downfalls, to the things I've lost, the list goes on.
So now, I'm finding myself a little bit screwed. Oops. I have a lot of cleaning to do today because we have to make sure our rooms are tidy and clean before we leave. And because of the amount of maintenance that's been done over the term, it's going to be hell to clean. Then I'll need to pack. I don't think packing will be too time consuming, but I don't want to forget anything. Then, I have to start studying for my final tomorrow. Just a bit of a lament, I just cannot, for the life of me, work myself up to study for a course that isn't relevant to anything I'm doing. And this being the second time I've taken an introduction Sociology class, it's twice as hard to study for something I just don't care about. If I fail my final tomorrow, I wouldn't be surprised. Luckily, it's only 30% and I've done pretty decent in the class so far with the half ass effort I've given all semester.
And this brings me to going home. By this time tomorrow, I'll very likely have finished my test and driving home. I'm really excited, but nervous at the same time. For one thing, driving alone on the highway has got to be one of the worst things ever. It's so boring and time slows down tremendously. I guess, though, that it'll just mean I have four hours to think and talk to God and bombard him with the questions I have for him. I've been doing a lot of that lately: throwing everything I have at God. It gets frustrating, and I'm sure a lot of people can relate, because it's very possible that I'm missing something, but all I'm getting in response from God is to wait. By his timing, I guess.
With that, the first term of my third year in university is over! It's hard to believe that if I stuck to what I was doing right out of high school, I'd be graduating this year. But due to circumstances, I still have two years to go before I can do that. Time really does go by insanely fast, and I am not going to lie, high school feels like yesterday. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing, because it can also imply that I haven't really grown much. But, fact of the matter is that I know I've grown a ton.
Even so, I've got many more miles to go.
Class ended last Thursday, so it's been a week now. Last Friday, I basically took the day off; and at night, we had our annual Ambrose's Christmas banquet. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed it even though it could have been better. However, I won't complain because I go to school and live with some of the most amazing people that exist.
After the banquet, exams began the very next morning. I felt bad for those that went to the banquet and then had to get up to write a test the next day. But it looks like everyone is surviving quite well so far. Except me, maybe. I wrote my Greek "final" this past Monday, and it was tough. The test was just the third of three translation tests we had to do for this course; but because it just so happened to fall on finals week, my prof decided to make it harder and use some words that we don't normally use. So, I had a bit of trouble figuring out what the passage meant. But either way, it's over now, and I'll take what I can get.
Over the last two days, I am not quite sure what I did. All that I can recall is sitting at my desk for much of the day without much production. Actually, most of what I've been doing over the last couple days have all taken place inside of my head. Haha. The amount of thinking I did is actually quite amazing I think. From video games, to reality, to alternate realities, to my downfalls, to the things I've lost, the list goes on.
So now, I'm finding myself a little bit screwed. Oops. I have a lot of cleaning to do today because we have to make sure our rooms are tidy and clean before we leave. And because of the amount of maintenance that's been done over the term, it's going to be hell to clean. Then I'll need to pack. I don't think packing will be too time consuming, but I don't want to forget anything. Then, I have to start studying for my final tomorrow. Just a bit of a lament, I just cannot, for the life of me, work myself up to study for a course that isn't relevant to anything I'm doing. And this being the second time I've taken an introduction Sociology class, it's twice as hard to study for something I just don't care about. If I fail my final tomorrow, I wouldn't be surprised. Luckily, it's only 30% and I've done pretty decent in the class so far with the half ass effort I've given all semester.
And this brings me to going home. By this time tomorrow, I'll very likely have finished my test and driving home. I'm really excited, but nervous at the same time. For one thing, driving alone on the highway has got to be one of the worst things ever. It's so boring and time slows down tremendously. I guess, though, that it'll just mean I have four hours to think and talk to God and bombard him with the questions I have for him. I've been doing a lot of that lately: throwing everything I have at God. It gets frustrating, and I'm sure a lot of people can relate, because it's very possible that I'm missing something, but all I'm getting in response from God is to wait. By his timing, I guess.
With that, the first term of my third year in university is over! It's hard to believe that if I stuck to what I was doing right out of high school, I'd be graduating this year. But due to circumstances, I still have two years to go before I can do that. Time really does go by insanely fast, and I am not going to lie, high school feels like yesterday. I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing, because it can also imply that I haven't really grown much. But, fact of the matter is that I know I've grown a ton.
Even so, I've got many more miles to go.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Wrapping Up
I was blessed with only two finals this semester, one of which isn't really a final. On Monday, I will be writing the third of three Greek exams; and on Friday, I'll write my Sociology final. After I finish my exams, I'll be going home!
I am honestly so ready to go home and have Christmas. Not only because I am sick of school, but I am sick of the boundaries I've been looking at this term. Other than the odd time I went out to do something I don't normally do, I've been looking at the same things each and every day. Honestly, it gets tiring. So basically, I need a break.
Home is usually a place of familiarity and comfort for people that have been away; but for me, it is a sense of renewal or freshness. I think that this has come at a really opportune time because the one thing that I've discovered that is worse than apathy is numbness. There's a phrase in a song that says, "the wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone." I used to think this meant apathy, but I feel like there is more to it than just apathy. When you've been "feeling" something for a long enough time, more specifically on the negative side, that it becomes numb, it's one of the worst things to experience. Whether it's physically or emotionally, when pain grows numb, it completely flips you inside out. You're so used to it, that you forget it's there. And that numbness causes a lot of negative things, so much that you wonder why it's happening. So that's why as this term is wrapping up, I'm so stoked to go home; that way, I can just do my best to forget about everything and renew myself for the winter term.
Anyways... (=
I'm trying to work up some motivation to study for my Greek test on Monday, and I'm going to be putting together a playlist for that. I have never really been the type to study best with music. But I am discovering more and more that I have found a lot of music where I can just let it run and it drowns out everything exterior for me so I can focus. Most of the time, I guess the music doesn't really have words to them, although there are quite a few songs I really enjoy being played when I am studying/working.
I'm also stoked to shop when I get back to Edmonton because, let's face it, shopping in Calgary is not nearly as good. Maybe I just don't know all the right places here, but it's still not as good. I was so underwhelmed when I went to Chinook a few weeks back. I'd been there I think 2 or 3 times since moving to Calgary, but never really got to do any in depth shopping. I got to do that back in November and it was disappointing to say the least. Not my taste. I mean, there's still stuff I like, but it's not like some places in Edmonton like WEM or South Common where I can get more or less all that I want from the one shopping center. Chinook, though, does have a True Religion store that I didn't get a chance to go into - and Edmonton doesn't have that.
So as Christmas is around the corner, I wonder what else I will be wrapping up other than this semester of school? (= If I could wrap you up, I would. Haha!
"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill
I am honestly so ready to go home and have Christmas. Not only because I am sick of school, but I am sick of the boundaries I've been looking at this term. Other than the odd time I went out to do something I don't normally do, I've been looking at the same things each and every day. Honestly, it gets tiring. So basically, I need a break.
Home is usually a place of familiarity and comfort for people that have been away; but for me, it is a sense of renewal or freshness. I think that this has come at a really opportune time because the one thing that I've discovered that is worse than apathy is numbness. There's a phrase in a song that says, "the wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone." I used to think this meant apathy, but I feel like there is more to it than just apathy. When you've been "feeling" something for a long enough time, more specifically on the negative side, that it becomes numb, it's one of the worst things to experience. Whether it's physically or emotionally, when pain grows numb, it completely flips you inside out. You're so used to it, that you forget it's there. And that numbness causes a lot of negative things, so much that you wonder why it's happening. So that's why as this term is wrapping up, I'm so stoked to go home; that way, I can just do my best to forget about everything and renew myself for the winter term.
Anyways... (=
I'm trying to work up some motivation to study for my Greek test on Monday, and I'm going to be putting together a playlist for that. I have never really been the type to study best with music. But I am discovering more and more that I have found a lot of music where I can just let it run and it drowns out everything exterior for me so I can focus. Most of the time, I guess the music doesn't really have words to them, although there are quite a few songs I really enjoy being played when I am studying/working.
I'm also stoked to shop when I get back to Edmonton because, let's face it, shopping in Calgary is not nearly as good. Maybe I just don't know all the right places here, but it's still not as good. I was so underwhelmed when I went to Chinook a few weeks back. I'd been there I think 2 or 3 times since moving to Calgary, but never really got to do any in depth shopping. I got to do that back in November and it was disappointing to say the least. Not my taste. I mean, there's still stuff I like, but it's not like some places in Edmonton like WEM or South Common where I can get more or less all that I want from the one shopping center. Chinook, though, does have a True Religion store that I didn't get a chance to go into - and Edmonton doesn't have that.
So as Christmas is around the corner, I wonder what else I will be wrapping up other than this semester of school? (= If I could wrap you up, I would. Haha!
"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Experience
A wise man once said, "the remedy is the experience." For the longest time I wondered what that really meant. I think that there could be a double meaning in the sense that he was saying that going through the experience of something IS the remedy for whatever needs healing. The other possible meaning that I got from this is that the whole process of healing is THE experience. The experience, meaning that going through that process is "talk of the town" material for someone's life.
I still don't know what he meant when he said that, but maybe looking at the context of this quote might help. His best friend, at the time, was going through cancer treatment. Everyone knows that going through all the radiation and all the different types of chemotherapy can be a pain. However, this cancer victim met someone that told him basically to look at things differently. What was meant by differently was that instead of seeing the cancer treatments as unfortunate and bad, he should see it as a blessing because not everyone gets to go through this process. So, in a sense, all the things he has to do to treat his cancer is special because he gets to see what it's like, while not very many other people do.
It probably takes a whole lot of strength to be able to see things that way: to not worry your life away in such hard times. But such a simple concept probably changed my life even though I had nothing to do with it. Throughout the past several years, this is what I've lived by. And sometimes I'll forget what it means or refuse to see things that way, like recently, but it doesn't take away from the point that it is something I encourage onto other people as well.
There is and always will be a positive end of the spectrum, you just have to find it; and that, to me, is the experience - the remedy. So coming back to what I said earlier about saying that I'm not sure what the person really meant about how the remedy is the experience, to me, it is both.
A lot of times, going through something crappy is exactly what we need in order to mend a certain part of our lives. And then at the same time, the whole process of going through that healing will feel like none other when all is said and done.
It's all about the wordplay.
I still don't know what he meant when he said that, but maybe looking at the context of this quote might help. His best friend, at the time, was going through cancer treatment. Everyone knows that going through all the radiation and all the different types of chemotherapy can be a pain. However, this cancer victim met someone that told him basically to look at things differently. What was meant by differently was that instead of seeing the cancer treatments as unfortunate and bad, he should see it as a blessing because not everyone gets to go through this process. So, in a sense, all the things he has to do to treat his cancer is special because he gets to see what it's like, while not very many other people do.
It probably takes a whole lot of strength to be able to see things that way: to not worry your life away in such hard times. But such a simple concept probably changed my life even though I had nothing to do with it. Throughout the past several years, this is what I've lived by. And sometimes I'll forget what it means or refuse to see things that way, like recently, but it doesn't take away from the point that it is something I encourage onto other people as well.
There is and always will be a positive end of the spectrum, you just have to find it; and that, to me, is the experience - the remedy. So coming back to what I said earlier about saying that I'm not sure what the person really meant about how the remedy is the experience, to me, it is both.
A lot of times, going through something crappy is exactly what we need in order to mend a certain part of our lives. And then at the same time, the whole process of going through that healing will feel like none other when all is said and done.
It's all about the wordplay.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
See Through
Originally, I was thinking about breaking all records and try to post every single day this month leading up to Christmas. But unfortunately, I had nothing to blog about yesterday - so that failed.
Today, I have something to blog about! As I wake up to the massive blizzard that forced me to not be able to go to church, I had plenty of time to go back to bed and just think. I haven't missed a Sunday worship in a very long time, so it definitely felt a little strange to not go to church this morning.
While I was laying in my bed, I was just thinking about a wide variety of things - like I always do. I am not entirely sure how I got to this point... Well, I do, but that's beside the fact... I always wonder how transparent I am. Not literally, because you can't literally see through me (although that could be argued because of how skinny I am - but I digress). More personality-wise. I never stop thinking about the way people look at me and how I want to look to the people around me because it's important that I rep what I stand for.
I try, but I'm also really dorky in that when I meet people, I always try to remain mysterious. Most of the time it works, but I also feel that I can get very one-dimensional eventually. Not quite a one trick pony... well, more like a no trick pony since I'm not especially good at anything. But I purposely don't tell people all the facts about me so it can keep people guessing and wanting to know me more. That way, when one day I pull out a sick song on the guitar, or pull out a sweet magic trick, it'll blow people away because they wouldn't have expected me to know how to do that stuff!
It works in theory, but not so well practically. Why? Because most of the stuff I do isn't so special. I don't do any of the wildlife stuff, or the skydiving/extreme sports stuff, or the super artsy stuff, so you can imagine that it'd be kind of underwhelming when I whip something out. Whipping my hair back and forth doesn't count either.
So yeah, I don't know how predictable or how transparent I am as a person. If I had to guess, I'd say very. Quite honestly, I'm really boring so none of this "mysterious" stuff really work.
I don't know, just a thought. Haha. I just hope my car will be okay.
Two weeks until I go home! Yeah! <3 <3
Today, I have something to blog about! As I wake up to the massive blizzard that forced me to not be able to go to church, I had plenty of time to go back to bed and just think. I haven't missed a Sunday worship in a very long time, so it definitely felt a little strange to not go to church this morning.
While I was laying in my bed, I was just thinking about a wide variety of things - like I always do. I am not entirely sure how I got to this point... Well, I do, but that's beside the fact... I always wonder how transparent I am. Not literally, because you can't literally see through me (although that could be argued because of how skinny I am - but I digress). More personality-wise. I never stop thinking about the way people look at me and how I want to look to the people around me because it's important that I rep what I stand for.
I try, but I'm also really dorky in that when I meet people, I always try to remain mysterious. Most of the time it works, but I also feel that I can get very one-dimensional eventually. Not quite a one trick pony... well, more like a no trick pony since I'm not especially good at anything. But I purposely don't tell people all the facts about me so it can keep people guessing and wanting to know me more. That way, when one day I pull out a sick song on the guitar, or pull out a sweet magic trick, it'll blow people away because they wouldn't have expected me to know how to do that stuff!
It works in theory, but not so well practically. Why? Because most of the stuff I do isn't so special. I don't do any of the wildlife stuff, or the skydiving/extreme sports stuff, or the super artsy stuff, so you can imagine that it'd be kind of underwhelming when I whip something out. Whipping my hair back and forth doesn't count either.
So yeah, I don't know how predictable or how transparent I am as a person. If I had to guess, I'd say very. Quite honestly, I'm really boring so none of this "mysterious" stuff really work.
I don't know, just a thought. Haha. I just hope my car will be okay.
Two weeks until I go home! Yeah! <3 <3
Friday, December 2, 2011
Blargh!
Whoever has cursed me, it is working!
Last week, I discovered that the front left side of the bumper on my car was knocked loose so it is sort of dangling a little bit. Needs to be re-attached!
On Thursday, I took my guitar to practice and the pick ups aren't working! I hope it's just a loose connection. Needs to be tested and checked out!
Today, Friday, I started my car and the battery light came back on! This means that there is definitely something wrong with the alternator of the car. Needs to be tested and possibly even replaced!
Too much money that I don't have to fix these things. Sigh!
Last week, I discovered that the front left side of the bumper on my car was knocked loose so it is sort of dangling a little bit. Needs to be re-attached!
On Thursday, I took my guitar to practice and the pick ups aren't working! I hope it's just a loose connection. Needs to be tested and checked out!
Today, Friday, I started my car and the battery light came back on! This means that there is definitely something wrong with the alternator of the car. Needs to be tested and possibly even replaced!
Too much money that I don't have to fix these things. Sigh!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Dear December
Dear December seems like a pretty cool catch phrase - I am so amazing for coming up with it, haha. Just jokes. I love Decembers; and this one is going to be awesome. With no real homework left in the term, and only 2 exams to finish off school, I'll get to go home and see all my friends and family again!
I'm always amazed at how many people are looking out for me back in Edmonton when I don't even know it. It's quite surreal, to be quite honest, to think that my church is actually caring for me even though they don't know all the details of what's going on with me 400 km away. I love you guys!
Christmas time is also really fun! My parents always wonder if we should still put up the tree now that we're older; but the answer is obvious - of course we should! I don't know if it'll be up this year though, haha. I actually don't even remember if it went up last year. But I know for sure that if we put it up, it probably isn't going to come down until February.
Anyways, as I am relaxing in my bed to wind down for the day, here are a couple of other things I will be looking forward to in December!
So, dear December, please make December a legendary month and a great finish to the year!
Sincerely, Nathan. <3
I'm always amazed at how many people are looking out for me back in Edmonton when I don't even know it. It's quite surreal, to be quite honest, to think that my church is actually caring for me even though they don't know all the details of what's going on with me 400 km away. I love you guys!
Christmas time is also really fun! My parents always wonder if we should still put up the tree now that we're older; but the answer is obvious - of course we should! I don't know if it'll be up this year though, haha. I actually don't even remember if it went up last year. But I know for sure that if we put it up, it probably isn't going to come down until February.
Anyways, as I am relaxing in my bed to wind down for the day, here are a couple of other things I will be looking forward to in December!
- Food that is not from the cafeteria! Oh my gosh, you have no idea how sick I am of this stuff!
- My own bed. Queen size. None of this "double bed" business.
- Privacy. I have literally had none of that here.
- Shopping! Shopping in Edmonton is still better than shopping in Calgary
- Hopefully jamming with the old worship team too.
- New shoes! My dad has a $100 gift card to Sportchek for me to buy new shoes!
- The calmness and peacefulness of the Christmas season
- New Years. As fun as 2011 was, I am ready for 2012 to arrive.
So, dear December, please make December a legendary month and a great finish to the year!
Sincerely, Nathan. <3
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Vindicated II
I need to hit 10 posts in one month at least once this year! So here is my opportunity to achieve that on the last day of the month. (=
The last time I wrote about being vindicated, it was a confirmation that I received about going into Bible college. At the time, it was easily the biggest decision that I had ever made in my life. Being the oldest child in a family of three and being the first to move out, it was a huge deal for me and my family. I think that we adjusted quite well; I've now known what the meaning of home really is, and I also know where my heart lies in a lot of things regarding life.
Well, unfortunately, I can't recall everything that came to my mind or all the things I thought about at the time, but the one thing I definitely remember is a sense of peace and comfort. Contemplating Bible college was a thing that occurred over the span of many months, and when it finally slapped me in the face that it was for real, there was no better feeling. It was a tough few months for me in trying to fight what God was telling me about Bible college, and when I finally realized that it was my call, the feeling of liberation was like none other.
So, moving onto the second time I'm revisiting this, it's amazing how things have progressed. Much like my fight with Bible college, I've been battling with another potential major decision in my life for the last few months. Although I can't say that I've been fully revealed the answers, it's getting rather close. I wanted it a certain way, but it looks like God is saying differently - at least for now. Things can change rather quickly; but at the time being, it looks like I need to let go.
It's always tough, and sometimes even frustrating, but when God tries to tell me something, he always teases me with the idea of it first. The idea of Bible college was very small, a whisper. This recent idea was more of a scream. Instead of just quietly and calmly thinking about the idea in the back of my mind like Bible college, it is upfront and right in my face.
God, you are crazy in the way that you do things. I can't say that I agree with your methods all the time, but you know better than I ever will. I've talked about moving on for quite a while now, but my heart never agreed. Now, though, I think my heart has finally caught up a little bit with my head - mostly because I am forced to.
But it's okay, because through this whole process, I'm relearning how to put my trust and faith in the Lord to do things the right way. A while ago, I was so against it and trying to pull the other way, and mostly just because of the circumstances, but had I not been there, I wouldn't be where I am now.
So, while it will be extremely difficult for me to readjust to my prior way of living, I'm set on doing it, even if it takes a bit of extreme measures.
The last time I wrote about being vindicated, it was a confirmation that I received about going into Bible college. At the time, it was easily the biggest decision that I had ever made in my life. Being the oldest child in a family of three and being the first to move out, it was a huge deal for me and my family. I think that we adjusted quite well; I've now known what the meaning of home really is, and I also know where my heart lies in a lot of things regarding life.
Well, unfortunately, I can't recall everything that came to my mind or all the things I thought about at the time, but the one thing I definitely remember is a sense of peace and comfort. Contemplating Bible college was a thing that occurred over the span of many months, and when it finally slapped me in the face that it was for real, there was no better feeling. It was a tough few months for me in trying to fight what God was telling me about Bible college, and when I finally realized that it was my call, the feeling of liberation was like none other.
So, moving onto the second time I'm revisiting this, it's amazing how things have progressed. Much like my fight with Bible college, I've been battling with another potential major decision in my life for the last few months. Although I can't say that I've been fully revealed the answers, it's getting rather close. I wanted it a certain way, but it looks like God is saying differently - at least for now. Things can change rather quickly; but at the time being, it looks like I need to let go.
It's always tough, and sometimes even frustrating, but when God tries to tell me something, he always teases me with the idea of it first. The idea of Bible college was very small, a whisper. This recent idea was more of a scream. Instead of just quietly and calmly thinking about the idea in the back of my mind like Bible college, it is upfront and right in my face.
God, you are crazy in the way that you do things. I can't say that I agree with your methods all the time, but you know better than I ever will. I've talked about moving on for quite a while now, but my heart never agreed. Now, though, I think my heart has finally caught up a little bit with my head - mostly because I am forced to.
But it's okay, because through this whole process, I'm relearning how to put my trust and faith in the Lord to do things the right way. A while ago, I was so against it and trying to pull the other way, and mostly just because of the circumstances, but had I not been there, I wouldn't be where I am now.
So, while it will be extremely difficult for me to readjust to my prior way of living, I'm set on doing it, even if it takes a bit of extreme measures.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
November
The month of November, which some dudes call "Movember", a month that has brought so much upon my life in recent years. When I was trying to sleep last night, I was thinking; and suddenly, it was brought to my attention, I was reminded, that November has typically been a crappy month for me every year. I checked my blog's archives, and I can kind of see it there. I didn't write a whole lot about my down times, but seeing what I did write about and the places I were in, they were definitely not the best. Tough Novembers extend beyond just the life of my blog, I've had a couple really bad Novembers in high school too.
I know that life works in cycles and such, but I had no idea that mine would be so definite and lined up so well with the month of November. Not to say that I don't have good times in November or bad times in any other time of the year; but the predominant things that define the month for me have all come within the span of these 30 days, give or take. No different this year, in terms of circumstances. Just the magnitude of things and how I've responded to them are different.
I just don't know what to think of all this! Back in grade 11, I was forced to make the first real decision of my life to quit piano. After taking piano lessons for 11 years, I just couldn't take it anymore and if I wanted to quit, I had to do it myself. It was painful for me to quit piano because I knew that it was really sudden for my teacher; and for me to have to work up the courage to do it, it hurt quite a bit because I'm not really strong enough to make big decisions and have to follow through with them. The year after, my senior year in high school, I was failing - literally. I was below 50% in one of my courses for the first report card; and it being a big deal as people were starting to apply for university, I approached my teacher and she felt bad enough to bump me up to a 50%. It was quite the miracle that I finished grade 12 with a 78% average.
When university life began, and coming back from my internship in Vancouver, it was tough being thrown right into the school thing without having much time to prepare for it. I think that from October to December, and even into January the next year, I was having such a tough time dealing with my direction in life. Studying music at the UofA was just not for me, but at the time, I just did not think that Bible college was something that was reasonable. So I duked it out for the rest of the year (and I have no idea how I did it), and went on to take a year off to work in order to earn money for moving out. When I started working that next fall, I quickly began to find it taxing on my hands because of the work that I had to do. Selfish of me to say this, but by this time of that year, I kind of wanted to quit after just having worked for a little while.
And finally, after moving to Calgary for school, the entire first few months was a huge test of my independence. I remember encountering certain things at this time last year that frustrated me and forced me to think about what I look like to other people. I really had to examine my outward expression and what people perceive me as because I knew that going into ministry meant that I will be constantly under watch and criticism.
So with the things that have brought me down this November, I don't need to mention them anymore because then I'd just be beating a dead horse. But I'm beginning to wonder if things might turn out to be like my year at the UofA. I was forced to just deal with the rest of the year, and when the next September rolled around, things were a lot better because I had a real purpose for what I was doing by that time. If so, then somehow I'm going to need to find, somewhere inside of me, the strength to endure this year with the way things are going.
I have found, now that I've kind of recounted my past several years' Novembers, that God really tests my patience. Having to wait to finish the year before I could start preparing for Bible school, having to wait a year to earn enough money, etc., there's been a lot of waiting that I've had to do. Although, it's unfair to assume that just because things have happened this way in the past, that it will happen like this again. But at the same time, it wouldn't surprise me if this was another test of my patience because I know that I'm going to need a lot of it when I'm full-time in ministry.
The thing is with me, that I'm always going to see something - I'm very much like a visionary - and then I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve that as soon as I can, but sometimes I forget that the process of it is every as important as the end goal. So, maybe God is trying to do something good after all.
My Novembers.
P.S. I think everyone should purchase and listen to Michael Buble's Christmas album. Stellar.
I know that life works in cycles and such, but I had no idea that mine would be so definite and lined up so well with the month of November. Not to say that I don't have good times in November or bad times in any other time of the year; but the predominant things that define the month for me have all come within the span of these 30 days, give or take. No different this year, in terms of circumstances. Just the magnitude of things and how I've responded to them are different.
I just don't know what to think of all this! Back in grade 11, I was forced to make the first real decision of my life to quit piano. After taking piano lessons for 11 years, I just couldn't take it anymore and if I wanted to quit, I had to do it myself. It was painful for me to quit piano because I knew that it was really sudden for my teacher; and for me to have to work up the courage to do it, it hurt quite a bit because I'm not really strong enough to make big decisions and have to follow through with them. The year after, my senior year in high school, I was failing - literally. I was below 50% in one of my courses for the first report card; and it being a big deal as people were starting to apply for university, I approached my teacher and she felt bad enough to bump me up to a 50%. It was quite the miracle that I finished grade 12 with a 78% average.
When university life began, and coming back from my internship in Vancouver, it was tough being thrown right into the school thing without having much time to prepare for it. I think that from October to December, and even into January the next year, I was having such a tough time dealing with my direction in life. Studying music at the UofA was just not for me, but at the time, I just did not think that Bible college was something that was reasonable. So I duked it out for the rest of the year (and I have no idea how I did it), and went on to take a year off to work in order to earn money for moving out. When I started working that next fall, I quickly began to find it taxing on my hands because of the work that I had to do. Selfish of me to say this, but by this time of that year, I kind of wanted to quit after just having worked for a little while.
And finally, after moving to Calgary for school, the entire first few months was a huge test of my independence. I remember encountering certain things at this time last year that frustrated me and forced me to think about what I look like to other people. I really had to examine my outward expression and what people perceive me as because I knew that going into ministry meant that I will be constantly under watch and criticism.
So with the things that have brought me down this November, I don't need to mention them anymore because then I'd just be beating a dead horse. But I'm beginning to wonder if things might turn out to be like my year at the UofA. I was forced to just deal with the rest of the year, and when the next September rolled around, things were a lot better because I had a real purpose for what I was doing by that time. If so, then somehow I'm going to need to find, somewhere inside of me, the strength to endure this year with the way things are going.
I have found, now that I've kind of recounted my past several years' Novembers, that God really tests my patience. Having to wait to finish the year before I could start preparing for Bible school, having to wait a year to earn enough money, etc., there's been a lot of waiting that I've had to do. Although, it's unfair to assume that just because things have happened this way in the past, that it will happen like this again. But at the same time, it wouldn't surprise me if this was another test of my patience because I know that I'm going to need a lot of it when I'm full-time in ministry.
The thing is with me, that I'm always going to see something - I'm very much like a visionary - and then I'm going to do everything in my power to achieve that as soon as I can, but sometimes I forget that the process of it is every as important as the end goal. So, maybe God is trying to do something good after all.
My Novembers.
P.S. I think everyone should purchase and listen to Michael Buble's Christmas album. Stellar.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Choices
Tonight has brought some really interesting thoughts into my mind. I know I've been blogging a crapload this last little while, but there's just been far too much on my mind. I hope that it won't happen too much, but I think it's inevitable that I'm going to be bitching about certain things that are really bothering me.
Now that I haven't really had any big school projects or anything like that left in the term, my mind has been more free to wander places. So I came to a point where I was thinking about why it is so hard to do certain things. These things that I'm referring to are all, sort of, internal - emotions, etc. Controlling emotions and your body's general responsiveness is an incredible skill that I do believe certain people are able to do. It's insanely hard, but I think most people have a good grasp at the whole idea of it. If I try to draw an example, people get attached to things - things like home, family, friends. And depending on our levels of attachment, it can be incredibly difficult to break some of these bonds or connections.
If I kind of digress a little bit, God gave humanity this "free will" thing. The very second that God implemented free will, the possibility of sin was born. Because of this ability to choose (what to wear, what to eat, etc.), it feels awfully strange when something within us happens that we really didn't get to choose. Well, what sort of things? Last time I checked, we don't really get to choose the family that we're born into. God didn't line you up before you're born and be like, "okay, who's family do you want to go to?" And other things that might be a little bit more open ended like falling in love. I don't know about you, but all the times that I've had that experience, I really didn't choose to be in love with that specific person. It just happens! So, when the time comes where you feel like you need to, or at least the situation is asking for it, it's almost impossible to just stop. Other things like depression, or other illnesses, we don't just decide that we're going to be clinically depressed or have cancer or whatever.
From my experience, during these times of battle where my brain is pulling one way but my heart is pulling the other, there are specific moments where I gain some sort of perspective or insight on the situation. More often than not, I'm just left wondering, why can't I do it? I've had my battles with depression, I've had my battles with love, and I think it's all really stupid. I can make HUGE decisions in my life, like being a pastor, moving to Calgary, all these sorts of things; but when it comes to the two things I mentioned before, it's just hopeless. I don't get it.
And I should stop here before things get out of hand.
Now that I haven't really had any big school projects or anything like that left in the term, my mind has been more free to wander places. So I came to a point where I was thinking about why it is so hard to do certain things. These things that I'm referring to are all, sort of, internal - emotions, etc. Controlling emotions and your body's general responsiveness is an incredible skill that I do believe certain people are able to do. It's insanely hard, but I think most people have a good grasp at the whole idea of it. If I try to draw an example, people get attached to things - things like home, family, friends. And depending on our levels of attachment, it can be incredibly difficult to break some of these bonds or connections.
If I kind of digress a little bit, God gave humanity this "free will" thing. The very second that God implemented free will, the possibility of sin was born. Because of this ability to choose (what to wear, what to eat, etc.), it feels awfully strange when something within us happens that we really didn't get to choose. Well, what sort of things? Last time I checked, we don't really get to choose the family that we're born into. God didn't line you up before you're born and be like, "okay, who's family do you want to go to?" And other things that might be a little bit more open ended like falling in love. I don't know about you, but all the times that I've had that experience, I really didn't choose to be in love with that specific person. It just happens! So, when the time comes where you feel like you need to, or at least the situation is asking for it, it's almost impossible to just stop. Other things like depression, or other illnesses, we don't just decide that we're going to be clinically depressed or have cancer or whatever.
From my experience, during these times of battle where my brain is pulling one way but my heart is pulling the other, there are specific moments where I gain some sort of perspective or insight on the situation. More often than not, I'm just left wondering, why can't I do it? I've had my battles with depression, I've had my battles with love, and I think it's all really stupid. I can make HUGE decisions in my life, like being a pastor, moving to Calgary, all these sorts of things; but when it comes to the two things I mentioned before, it's just hopeless. I don't get it.
And I should stop here before things get out of hand.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Ευαγγελιον
Translated "euangelion," people might know what that means. It's always nice to receive good news. Although it is more specifically talking about the gospel as good news, it's the only form of "good news" that I know in Greek. And since I'll be doing some Greek homework later today, might as well start practicing! So, that's kind of where the word evangelize came from, which basically means to spread or tell of the good news.
My mom told me that my brother is getting baptized this Christmas and it made me pretty happy. So after this, every member of the family will have been dunked! I think that when you look at it, it's really evident that God has been so good to our family. We've been given so many gifts and people that just make life work for us. At first, I wasn't entirely sure why the baptism service was moved from Thanksgiving to Christmas, but I probably won't complain because it might hold some more sentimental value for some people to be baptized during this time. So, with that being said, congrats bro! It's about time.
Some other news that has been good is that all of my major work for this term has been completed, meaning that I have been legitimately been allowed to be bored! I still have Greek homework, like I said earlier, but that's pretty much a given for the entire semester thus far. And now that we're actually starting to translate Bible passages, it makes for Greek a lot more useful because it allows us to see what verses can really mean.
And plus, it's just boss to be carrying around a Greek Bible... Even though I don't have one, yet.
On the same topic of good news and school, I only have two finals in December. Greek can hardly be called a final because it's just the third of three tests that we are to have. Unfortunately, I have to wait until the very last day to do a final of the subject I care least about: an elective - sociology. See, if I tried harder with my time at the UofA, I wouldn't have needed to take psych last year and wouldn't have needed to take sociology this year. But, of course, my lack of effort came around to bite me in the butt so I've been needing to retake these courses. However! I cannot complain because I only have two tests, so I'll be able to make it home to see some friends and family.
Three and a half weeks of Christmas break is also pretty sweet, if you ask me! I am stoked to be getting a new phone, whatever that will be, and a new pair of shoes or two! Things are looking up from here, and I would love to be able to spend that happiness with you! So, hopefully reading my blog made you happy. Haha!
Just thought I'd let you know that you look mighty fine today! <3
My mom told me that my brother is getting baptized this Christmas and it made me pretty happy. So after this, every member of the family will have been dunked! I think that when you look at it, it's really evident that God has been so good to our family. We've been given so many gifts and people that just make life work for us. At first, I wasn't entirely sure why the baptism service was moved from Thanksgiving to Christmas, but I probably won't complain because it might hold some more sentimental value for some people to be baptized during this time. So, with that being said, congrats bro! It's about time.
Some other news that has been good is that all of my major work for this term has been completed, meaning that I have been legitimately been allowed to be bored! I still have Greek homework, like I said earlier, but that's pretty much a given for the entire semester thus far. And now that we're actually starting to translate Bible passages, it makes for Greek a lot more useful because it allows us to see what verses can really mean.
And plus, it's just boss to be carrying around a Greek Bible... Even though I don't have one, yet.
On the same topic of good news and school, I only have two finals in December. Greek can hardly be called a final because it's just the third of three tests that we are to have. Unfortunately, I have to wait until the very last day to do a final of the subject I care least about: an elective - sociology. See, if I tried harder with my time at the UofA, I wouldn't have needed to take psych last year and wouldn't have needed to take sociology this year. But, of course, my lack of effort came around to bite me in the butt so I've been needing to retake these courses. However! I cannot complain because I only have two tests, so I'll be able to make it home to see some friends and family.
Three and a half weeks of Christmas break is also pretty sweet, if you ask me! I am stoked to be getting a new phone, whatever that will be, and a new pair of shoes or two! Things are looking up from here, and I would love to be able to spend that happiness with you! So, hopefully reading my blog made you happy. Haha!
Just thought I'd let you know that you look mighty fine today! <3
Monday, November 21, 2011
Fairly Healthy
I haven't caught hold of the Christmas hype just yet. I wonder if it's because being so sheltered in the school environment that I haven't been given the chance to see what it's really like on the outside. People are decorating their places, putting in the Frank Sinatra Christmas album, etc., but I just haven't caught into it! Darn!
I'm not sure, though, if I really want to be in a Christmas-y mood. I mean, I'd like to be, but I don't know what it'd do to/for me. Haha. I don't even know if that makes any sense. And of course, when you talk about Christmas, there is no way you can ignore shopping. That, then, asks the question of how much I'm going to spend on presents this year.
Not going to lie, I'm not going to spend a lot. I might buy myself something small-ish, but that's about it. Maybe I'll pick something up for the family too, but I don't know what.
Anyways, I have had shin splints for the last little while and it's been a bit of an inconvenience because it bothers me when I walk and it doesn't allow me to run, or else the pain will get pretty bad. My dad told me not to play soccer for two weeks but I didn't listen. Shoot! I tried to play last night and it was no good. My left leg feels okay, but my right hurts with every step that I take. And so, I feel like my recovery process has taken a step back because tonight, when I tried to run over to the cafe so I could get myself some delicious chocolate milk, the shins were hurting.
Dang it! But it's okay, I haven't caught the Christmas fever yet, so I am still healthy in some way! My wallet will thank me for this later.
I'm not sure, though, if I really want to be in a Christmas-y mood. I mean, I'd like to be, but I don't know what it'd do to/for me. Haha. I don't even know if that makes any sense. And of course, when you talk about Christmas, there is no way you can ignore shopping. That, then, asks the question of how much I'm going to spend on presents this year.
Not going to lie, I'm not going to spend a lot. I might buy myself something small-ish, but that's about it. Maybe I'll pick something up for the family too, but I don't know what.
Anyways, I have had shin splints for the last little while and it's been a bit of an inconvenience because it bothers me when I walk and it doesn't allow me to run, or else the pain will get pretty bad. My dad told me not to play soccer for two weeks but I didn't listen. Shoot! I tried to play last night and it was no good. My left leg feels okay, but my right hurts with every step that I take. And so, I feel like my recovery process has taken a step back because tonight, when I tried to run over to the cafe so I could get myself some delicious chocolate milk, the shins were hurting.
Dang it! But it's okay, I haven't caught the Christmas fever yet, so I am still healthy in some way! My wallet will thank me for this later.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Acceptance
After coming out of one of the darkest nights of my life, I'm done with that bitterness and anger crap. I'm going to live my life and I'm going to feel good about doing so. It's plain stupid for me to be living the way I have been this last week because it just makes everything worse. Nothing good is accomplished, and I'm just not going to allow that to happen. I know that I have the ability to control my emotions and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Nothing's going to stop me, no matter how cheesy that sounds. I'm going to do my best to accept things as it is and just move on with my life. I think I've finally been able to gain the strength to re-live what I preach.
It's going to take a bit of adjusting, but that's normal and it's going to be my mindset from now on. I don't give a crap about any of the negativity in my life that occurred in the last several weeks, and I'm going to give this thing a second go.
Once again, I'm thankful to and for those of you that walked me through this or just listened to me. I owe you my life, and you know who you are! So, with that being said, I'm going to try to recall what I was like and try to bring myself back to that. I will pray that I won't have broken any relationships that I've had with anyone, but on the contrary be able to build them even more because everyone I know is special to me no matter who you are in relation to me.
I'm done with this brokenness shit! I'm gonna make this mine.
It's going to take a bit of adjusting, but that's normal and it's going to be my mindset from now on. I don't give a crap about any of the negativity in my life that occurred in the last several weeks, and I'm going to give this thing a second go.
Once again, I'm thankful to and for those of you that walked me through this or just listened to me. I owe you my life, and you know who you are! So, with that being said, I'm going to try to recall what I was like and try to bring myself back to that. I will pray that I won't have broken any relationships that I've had with anyone, but on the contrary be able to build them even more because everyone I know is special to me no matter who you are in relation to me.
I'm done with this brokenness shit! I'm gonna make this mine.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Run Dry
This morning I went to my Practicum Reflection class and I basically had my life story over the last couple years told to me. Pretty amazing. What I mean is that the situation that I'm in right now is pretty much what the speaker described.
We've all heard the analogy of the cup pouring out and being refilled in ministry before; but I guess when I heard him talk about it, it finally hit home. It all makes sense too, I've been pouring out, giving God everything I had over the last several years without ever really replenishing a whole lot of what filled me in the first place. Not to say that there wasn't any filling at all, because there have been, just not enough to keep me going. And since the school year started, I've been pouring out at a rate much faster and more than I have been for a very long time. So it was kind of inevitable, I've now run dry. It is exactly how I feel too, I just don't have anything more to give into any area of my life as of right now. I keep trying to, but I've exhausted everything I have.
This applies to ministry, my friends, people I care about, etc. When you're thirsty, the first thing you really think about is where you can find water to drink. If I've been a bit "needy," that explains everything and I apologize. It'd be dumb for me to not admit that I have been so out of my usual character over the last couple months. I'm just not who I usually am.
So I'm going to try to work myself up to being filled up again. Quite honestly, though, I don't know where to turn. There's a lot of people I trust, but I just don't know if they'd really want to spend the time to "pour into me," so to speak. It doesn't take a lot, because for me, all I really do is be there for people. I know I don't really say a lot, some times because I can't, but being present and with people is my way of pouring out to them. That's all I can really do and that's all I really need.
Still searching.
We've all heard the analogy of the cup pouring out and being refilled in ministry before; but I guess when I heard him talk about it, it finally hit home. It all makes sense too, I've been pouring out, giving God everything I had over the last several years without ever really replenishing a whole lot of what filled me in the first place. Not to say that there wasn't any filling at all, because there have been, just not enough to keep me going. And since the school year started, I've been pouring out at a rate much faster and more than I have been for a very long time. So it was kind of inevitable, I've now run dry. It is exactly how I feel too, I just don't have anything more to give into any area of my life as of right now. I keep trying to, but I've exhausted everything I have.
This applies to ministry, my friends, people I care about, etc. When you're thirsty, the first thing you really think about is where you can find water to drink. If I've been a bit "needy," that explains everything and I apologize. It'd be dumb for me to not admit that I have been so out of my usual character over the last couple months. I'm just not who I usually am.
So I'm going to try to work myself up to being filled up again. Quite honestly, though, I don't know where to turn. There's a lot of people I trust, but I just don't know if they'd really want to spend the time to "pour into me," so to speak. It doesn't take a lot, because for me, all I really do is be there for people. I know I don't really say a lot, some times because I can't, but being present and with people is my way of pouring out to them. That's all I can really do and that's all I really need.
Still searching.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Deciphering Me
Blogging has been so fun lately. Half of it is because I've gotten to unleash just about everything that has kept me up at night; the other half is realizing how dumb I am for being so hard on myself. I hope that I have run out of bad things to blog about, although I wouldn't be surprised if there might be a few more, and that I will be able to go back to being myself.
I am really thankful for being able to go through what I am and have been because it has again given me a chance to re-evaluate things. Over the last couple weeks, I've learned about how badly I can beat myself up for not being able to do the smallest things. I'm not sure if it's because of my own standards or whatever, but the best example can be pointed out when I was writing my midterm an hour ago. I was stuck on a question that I knew but just could not recall for whatever reason. I was so disappointed in myself for not remembering, it completely threw my focus off of the test and took a bit of time to readjust my attention back onto actually writing the test and focusing on what I remember and not what I don't. So after the test I went back into my notes to see what it was that I forgot; and when I saw the points, I wanted to punch myself in the face for forgetting.
That incident with the test kind of sums up all the reasons for why I've been wanting to give up. And because it's been a lot of these types of situations that piled up over the last few weeks, I was just probably overwhelmed by all of it. I guess to kind of list off a few of them, so people won't come asking, here are a few of the things that have weighed on my shoulders and where I am with them now:
Thanks for everyone's support.
I am really thankful for being able to go through what I am and have been because it has again given me a chance to re-evaluate things. Over the last couple weeks, I've learned about how badly I can beat myself up for not being able to do the smallest things. I'm not sure if it's because of my own standards or whatever, but the best example can be pointed out when I was writing my midterm an hour ago. I was stuck on a question that I knew but just could not recall for whatever reason. I was so disappointed in myself for not remembering, it completely threw my focus off of the test and took a bit of time to readjust my attention back onto actually writing the test and focusing on what I remember and not what I don't. So after the test I went back into my notes to see what it was that I forgot; and when I saw the points, I wanted to punch myself in the face for forgetting.
That incident with the test kind of sums up all the reasons for why I've been wanting to give up. And because it's been a lot of these types of situations that piled up over the last few weeks, I was just probably overwhelmed by all of it. I guess to kind of list off a few of them, so people won't come asking, here are a few of the things that have weighed on my shoulders and where I am with them now:
- Her. Umm, for anyone that's been forced to hear about my situation with this one, it's still unresolved and probably won't be for at least the foreseeable future just because of the proximity of things. I honestly don't want to jump too far ahead of myself to be saying it will or won't work out because I really don't know. I can only hope for the best, but the way it plays out remains to be seen. This is by far the most indicative of what kind of person I'll be like day-to-day.
- School. Or life - however you want to put it because school is sort of literally my life. I've had so much trouble finding motivation to work at any time of the day. Living in res, even though it's been amazing, has brought a lot of challenges upon me. I still get things done, but it's probably not to the standard that I have for myself. As a result, if my GPA drops slightly, I think it's to be expected.
- Church. As SGAC is the third church that I've been routinely attending and getting involved in, I have never had such a difficult time adjusting to things. Part of it is because the primary reason I am here is for my practicum. Even though I hardly ever see going to this church as "doing my practicum," I just haven't been able to get comfortable until, maybe, the last couple weeks where I'm finally starting to feel more at home with everything.
- Car. I don't think I've still recovered fully from such a traumatic event. It sounds kind of lame when I pin traumatic with car dying, but it's been the only time I've encountered over the last couple years that had any sort of potential for me to be in any real danger. So I still don't really trust my car for me to be doing any long distance driving; and I'm sorry that I won't be able to see some of my friends until Christmas. I really wish I got to get away from Calgary this coming weekend!
Thanks for everyone's support.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
If I Don't
After the first day of daylight savings, I guess it's pretty reasonable for most people to be calling it a night a little earlier than usual based on what time suggests. I slept for a while earlier... and kind of missed supper.
Well, I think that it is important for people to be able to voice things without having to have it all bottled up inside of them, so that's what I'll be doing. Because if I don't, I probably won't be a very happy person over the next day or so. When I originally created this blog back in... I forgot (but you can probably look at my archives to see how long this blog has been alive for), I made it so that I could write out my thoughts that I didn't know who or where I could tell them to. It was a really nice way for me to not only practice my writing, but to help me articulate my thoughts into words. Slowly, my blog turned into an update sort of thing to tell people what sort of things have been going on in my life. With that being said, I'm going to revisit the reason that I made my blog in the first place.
First of all, I really, absolutely do not want to throw anyone under the bus; and I'm so sorry if you feel like you've contributed to me feeling this way. Second of all, no matter what I am going to say, it does not change what I stand for about always wanting to be there for people, whether it is listening to them or helping them through something.
Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I'm going straight to the point. I feel like I've been so incredibly vulnerable in the last couple months because one person pretty much controls all my emotions and dictates a lot of my actions. Best case scenario, that person would be me; but unfortunately, it is not I. And so when what this person says or does clashes with my own personal thoughts and such, a huge battle ensues in my brain. I've lost 100% of the time. I'll then proceed to becoming extremely upset and frustrated at just about everything.
While I'm not feeling so fly, I still have real life to deal with. I get so frustrated when all I do is listen to people and their problems, and I willingly do so because that is what I've promised to everyone that I care about, but I never feel like I can talk to people about what upsets me in return. All I do is listen, but will people stop and listen to me or even ask about me? Hasn't happened yet. I know it's incredibly selfish for me to think this way, but I'm really just saying that everyone has their needs. Here is the problem though, I know that I have people who are willing to care for me or listen to me; but whether it is just me being selfish or whatever, I don't feel like it's good enough. Part of it is because other than telling someone what I feel toward certain things, what are they really going to do? Nothing. Nothing that really amounts to anything anyway. I'm guilty of this too, so I'm sorry to those for the times where all I can do is be here and kind of watch as you go through crappy times in your life and not being able to do anything about it.
Aside from being direct and straight to the point, I'm also being very vague. I kind of call it "beating around the bush, but definitely beating it." I'm leaving one thing off on purpose because if I said it, it would sound very strange - and I don't know how I feel about that. But if you've been there, are there right now, or just really good at reading between the lines, you'll have a good idea of what I'm leaving out. All I can really say is that it sucks to be in my position right now because it's preventing me from giving all I've got to do what I want to do.
Here we are; what a (definitely not) beautiful mess, this is.
Well, I think that it is important for people to be able to voice things without having to have it all bottled up inside of them, so that's what I'll be doing. Because if I don't, I probably won't be a very happy person over the next day or so. When I originally created this blog back in... I forgot (but you can probably look at my archives to see how long this blog has been alive for), I made it so that I could write out my thoughts that I didn't know who or where I could tell them to. It was a really nice way for me to not only practice my writing, but to help me articulate my thoughts into words. Slowly, my blog turned into an update sort of thing to tell people what sort of things have been going on in my life. With that being said, I'm going to revisit the reason that I made my blog in the first place.
First of all, I really, absolutely do not want to throw anyone under the bus; and I'm so sorry if you feel like you've contributed to me feeling this way. Second of all, no matter what I am going to say, it does not change what I stand for about always wanting to be there for people, whether it is listening to them or helping them through something.
Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, I'm going straight to the point. I feel like I've been so incredibly vulnerable in the last couple months because one person pretty much controls all my emotions and dictates a lot of my actions. Best case scenario, that person would be me; but unfortunately, it is not I. And so when what this person says or does clashes with my own personal thoughts and such, a huge battle ensues in my brain. I've lost 100% of the time. I'll then proceed to becoming extremely upset and frustrated at just about everything.
While I'm not feeling so fly, I still have real life to deal with. I get so frustrated when all I do is listen to people and their problems, and I willingly do so because that is what I've promised to everyone that I care about, but I never feel like I can talk to people about what upsets me in return. All I do is listen, but will people stop and listen to me or even ask about me? Hasn't happened yet. I know it's incredibly selfish for me to think this way, but I'm really just saying that everyone has their needs. Here is the problem though, I know that I have people who are willing to care for me or listen to me; but whether it is just me being selfish or whatever, I don't feel like it's good enough. Part of it is because other than telling someone what I feel toward certain things, what are they really going to do? Nothing. Nothing that really amounts to anything anyway. I'm guilty of this too, so I'm sorry to those for the times where all I can do is be here and kind of watch as you go through crappy times in your life and not being able to do anything about it.
Aside from being direct and straight to the point, I'm also being very vague. I kind of call it "beating around the bush, but definitely beating it." I'm leaving one thing off on purpose because if I said it, it would sound very strange - and I don't know how I feel about that. But if you've been there, are there right now, or just really good at reading between the lines, you'll have a good idea of what I'm leaving out. All I can really say is that it sucks to be in my position right now because it's preventing me from giving all I've got to do what I want to do.
Here we are; what a (definitely not) beautiful mess, this is.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Feelin' Good
I am feeling great today, so I thought that blogging would be a good idea! The only thing that I am, at any amount, not too pleased with right now is that my mouse isn't very good at scrolling up and down webpages! The mouse doesn't mesh too well with Apple's smooth scrolling type of things, so that's why when I scroll with my mouse, it's really choppy!
So, after my last blog post, some pretty bizarre things have happened over this past week. I was lucky enough to have a really nice family bring me to church on Sunday. They even took me to lunch afterward. And when I thought that they'd just be dropping me off at home, the father offered to help me boost my car. I was really thankful that he'd be willing to take time out of his day to help me. After my car boosted, but couldn't stay running, he seemed like he really wanted to find out the problem and fix it. So he took me to get a new battery. When we installed the battery, my car was working! Unfortunately, the battery light was still on, signifying that there could be a problem with the alternator. So even though I was so thankful the car worked temporarily, I needed to take it in to get it looked at. So I booked an appointment for first thing on Wednesday, but when I started the car that morning, the light was off! I was so confused, and after bringing it in anyway and getting some advice from multiple people, I decided that I'd just drive the car for a few more days to see if the light comes back on. And miraculously, it's still off as of today! I'm not sure if it just meant that my car needed to get used to the battery, but it seems to be running now. So I hope that it stays that way because it has saved me several hundreds of dollars to get a new alternator.
In terms of school, things are alright. I was so glad that we got to play soccer last night for a couple hours because I'm just rotting away sitting at a chair pretty much all day. My fitness level has fallen faster than I could've even imagined. So it was so nice! And seeing as I like to brag about my accomplishments (good and bad ones), I scored three goals last night. But because of my rust and lack of fitness, I couldn't get any megs. Normally I can get around 5 whether it is by passing it through people's legs or just deking through it; but unfortunately, I couldn't get any last night because I am out of game shape!
As far as my practicum goes, I'm still feeling like I'm not doing a very good job. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I just haven't worked up a way to get comfortable with the church yet, which kind of sucks, but I know I will get there eventually - even if it kills me. As the days go by where I'm at church, I'm trying to find more and more ways that I can get involved and maybe even ease some of the loads off the pastors there because they work way too hard for their church. In the grand scheme of things, it is only the beginning of November, so I think the most important thing remains for me to be making relationships with people, and they don't happen over night, so I'm going to keep working at it! And at the end of this practicum, I'll know that I've done my best.
With everything else, I'll admit that I have gotten slightly homesick a while ago. I'm a lot better now, but I remember a couple weeks back, I just wanted to go home. The biggest difference for me this year compared to last year is that I have to be a lot more independent now. Last year, I had a family look after me and pretty much give me everything I needed. This year, I'm looking out for myself a ton more. It's taken some adjustment, but I'm slowly getting there. I think that's the biggest reason why I've felt so off this school year. I'm just so used to relying on others that I still don't quite know what it's like to have to fend for myself, so to speak. And even with the help of my parents and church in providing for me, I still have to go through this process of growing up!
So, I guess this is a bit of an update from me. I'm sorry if my updates have been a bit lame recently, but I am doing my best!
I hope everyone has an awesome weekend because I've had a great day so far! The sun is shining, and it's not too cold!
So, after my last blog post, some pretty bizarre things have happened over this past week. I was lucky enough to have a really nice family bring me to church on Sunday. They even took me to lunch afterward. And when I thought that they'd just be dropping me off at home, the father offered to help me boost my car. I was really thankful that he'd be willing to take time out of his day to help me. After my car boosted, but couldn't stay running, he seemed like he really wanted to find out the problem and fix it. So he took me to get a new battery. When we installed the battery, my car was working! Unfortunately, the battery light was still on, signifying that there could be a problem with the alternator. So even though I was so thankful the car worked temporarily, I needed to take it in to get it looked at. So I booked an appointment for first thing on Wednesday, but when I started the car that morning, the light was off! I was so confused, and after bringing it in anyway and getting some advice from multiple people, I decided that I'd just drive the car for a few more days to see if the light comes back on. And miraculously, it's still off as of today! I'm not sure if it just meant that my car needed to get used to the battery, but it seems to be running now. So I hope that it stays that way because it has saved me several hundreds of dollars to get a new alternator.
In terms of school, things are alright. I was so glad that we got to play soccer last night for a couple hours because I'm just rotting away sitting at a chair pretty much all day. My fitness level has fallen faster than I could've even imagined. So it was so nice! And seeing as I like to brag about my accomplishments (good and bad ones), I scored three goals last night. But because of my rust and lack of fitness, I couldn't get any megs. Normally I can get around 5 whether it is by passing it through people's legs or just deking through it; but unfortunately, I couldn't get any last night because I am out of game shape!
As far as my practicum goes, I'm still feeling like I'm not doing a very good job. I don't have anyone to blame but myself. I just haven't worked up a way to get comfortable with the church yet, which kind of sucks, but I know I will get there eventually - even if it kills me. As the days go by where I'm at church, I'm trying to find more and more ways that I can get involved and maybe even ease some of the loads off the pastors there because they work way too hard for their church. In the grand scheme of things, it is only the beginning of November, so I think the most important thing remains for me to be making relationships with people, and they don't happen over night, so I'm going to keep working at it! And at the end of this practicum, I'll know that I've done my best.
With everything else, I'll admit that I have gotten slightly homesick a while ago. I'm a lot better now, but I remember a couple weeks back, I just wanted to go home. The biggest difference for me this year compared to last year is that I have to be a lot more independent now. Last year, I had a family look after me and pretty much give me everything I needed. This year, I'm looking out for myself a ton more. It's taken some adjustment, but I'm slowly getting there. I think that's the biggest reason why I've felt so off this school year. I'm just so used to relying on others that I still don't quite know what it's like to have to fend for myself, so to speak. And even with the help of my parents and church in providing for me, I still have to go through this process of growing up!
So, I guess this is a bit of an update from me. I'm sorry if my updates have been a bit lame recently, but I am doing my best!
I hope everyone has an awesome weekend because I've had a great day so far! The sun is shining, and it's not too cold!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
And Stars, Ringed
First of all, thanks to everyone that has thought about me or wished me well this past week. I know that I tend to overreact to a lot of things and I can make them seem a lot worse than they really are. Unfortunately, having my car barely hang on a thread on my way home was traumatic enough that I'd respond the way that I did. Even though I am not completely over it, I am definitely feeling much better now! Again, I believe that God has surrounded me with the most awesome people ever and because of that, they are willing to go out of their way to help me. I appreciate just about everyone I know because they in some way shape who I am today.
I think the best thing to happen to me this week was brownies. When someone knows that I'm not enjoying life, then going out of their way to not only make me something, but bringing it to me personally, that's ace. Considering some of the circumstances, I could not have been happier. Thanks! You know who you are (=
Anyways, on Friday night, I got to go to a cool little youth rally at church. It wasn't the biggest youth rally I've been to, but it was plenty fun and cool. I also did not think that I would need to use Calgary transit to get around anymore, but seeing as it wouldn't be fair to have people purposely come drive me to church, that was the best plan. So after getting jipped by McDonalds, I got to church - they gave me a McChicken instead of a quarter pounder, the worst! Getting to plan things are so much fun to do! I think that in the future, I am going to want to try delegating more - the job of a pastor. Haha! But yeah, it was nice to play some games, sing some songs, hear some sharing, all that kind of cool jazz. I'm still not exactly comfortable around the people at the church yet, but I am getting better. I remember last year at CCBC, it still took me a bit of time, but I got accustomed to them really quickly because of how tightly knit the group is and how open they were to accepting me. As SGAC is, it's much bigger than CCBC, so I am still trying to learn the dynamics of the groups to see where I fit in. Regardless, it's really awesome to see that there are some really talented people here. I ended up leading a game, playing some sweet percussion for the worship team, and shared a bit of my story. I felt like I did an awful job of sharing, but I hope that at least one person took something away from it. It was a pretty good night.
Today, I felt really lazy. I said that I was going to phone around to see how long it might take to get my car fixed, but I realized that nothing could be started on until Monday, meaning I had the rest of the day to do whatever. Unfortunately, that "whatever" turned out to be nothing productive. I said that I was going to study for my midterm on Monday; but other than reading the first line of my notes, I did not read another word. Oops.
Tonight, though, I did get to go bowling with a few guys, which was a ton of fun. I hadn't bowled in quite a few years so it was nice to test that arm of mine again. Needless to say, I was rusty but I still managed 2nd of the group of 5 guys considering I botched and slipped a lot of throws out of my hand. It was a lot of fun though, and my hand is a bit tired now.
I get a ride to church tomorrow, meaning that I am very lucky. And so as I am sitting here being put to sleep by the music that I'm listening to, I am probably just going to drift away because I am completely lost in a trance again. Thank you electronica!
Give this a listen! I know a lot of people still don't like electronica, but this song is so soothing.
I think the best thing to happen to me this week was brownies. When someone knows that I'm not enjoying life, then going out of their way to not only make me something, but bringing it to me personally, that's ace. Considering some of the circumstances, I could not have been happier. Thanks! You know who you are (=
Anyways, on Friday night, I got to go to a cool little youth rally at church. It wasn't the biggest youth rally I've been to, but it was plenty fun and cool. I also did not think that I would need to use Calgary transit to get around anymore, but seeing as it wouldn't be fair to have people purposely come drive me to church, that was the best plan. So after getting jipped by McDonalds, I got to church - they gave me a McChicken instead of a quarter pounder, the worst! Getting to plan things are so much fun to do! I think that in the future, I am going to want to try delegating more - the job of a pastor. Haha! But yeah, it was nice to play some games, sing some songs, hear some sharing, all that kind of cool jazz. I'm still not exactly comfortable around the people at the church yet, but I am getting better. I remember last year at CCBC, it still took me a bit of time, but I got accustomed to them really quickly because of how tightly knit the group is and how open they were to accepting me. As SGAC is, it's much bigger than CCBC, so I am still trying to learn the dynamics of the groups to see where I fit in. Regardless, it's really awesome to see that there are some really talented people here. I ended up leading a game, playing some sweet percussion for the worship team, and shared a bit of my story. I felt like I did an awful job of sharing, but I hope that at least one person took something away from it. It was a pretty good night.
Today, I felt really lazy. I said that I was going to phone around to see how long it might take to get my car fixed, but I realized that nothing could be started on until Monday, meaning I had the rest of the day to do whatever. Unfortunately, that "whatever" turned out to be nothing productive. I said that I was going to study for my midterm on Monday; but other than reading the first line of my notes, I did not read another word. Oops.
Tonight, though, I did get to go bowling with a few guys, which was a ton of fun. I hadn't bowled in quite a few years so it was nice to test that arm of mine again. Needless to say, I was rusty but I still managed 2nd of the group of 5 guys considering I botched and slipped a lot of throws out of my hand. It was a lot of fun though, and my hand is a bit tired now.
I get a ride to church tomorrow, meaning that I am very lucky. And so as I am sitting here being put to sleep by the music that I'm listening to, I am probably just going to drift away because I am completely lost in a trance again. Thank you electronica!
Give this a listen! I know a lot of people still don't like electronica, but this song is so soothing.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Those Times
I find it strange how when difficult times arrive, I just kind of accept it and don't even bother to try to deal with it. It's actually probably not a good thing. Because, in a sense, I'm embracing that I'm having a crappy time; and therefore I am somehow justified to be bitter and negative towards everything. The world hates me, etc., etc.
Since my car died last night, I've been incredibly cynical and angry at just about everything. I could probably count how many times I laughed or even smiled today for that matter. It is at times like these where I just hate everything. I've been angry at God and perfectly fine with it too. It's gotten to a point where I'm apathetic toward being upset, thus allowing myself to just indulge in all of its glory. It's kind of scary actually because I think you might be surprised at how much rage has been building up inside of me.
Well, anyways, I don't even know if I'll ever have a car to drive again until I get a full time job and can afford to finance one. That is part of why I've been so upset. The other part of it is that just the way the whole story played out last night, with the car drawing closer to giving out each meter that it traveled. It got to a point where I had to turn off all the heat, the lights, everything when it was pitch black outside. Even my dashboard froze and the lights turned off so I couldn't see how fast I was going. But even if the dashboard lights were on, it wouldn't have mattered because the speedometer froze.
So as the car finally got back into the parking lot, I turned it off one last time. I swear, the car could've just given out when I was still on the road. But seeing as the car is the only damn thing in this world that really cares about me, it refused to leave me stranded in the middle of Calgary at night. Just with the way it happened is why I'm so angry at why it's got to happen.
The stupid thing is that I know exactly how this is going to play out. God's the one in control and that's how I like it. Things suck like crap right now and I know that I just have to go through with it because that's what God's written. So I really have no choice but to just live through until somehow things get better. Other than the car being fixed and having me pay a shitload of money that I don't even have for that to occur, I don't see myself having a vehicle anymore.What this means is that I can't do crap when I'm in Calgary. I have to meet requirements to graduate; and part of these requirements is to be working at a church. This church that I'm at right now is a 30 minute drive for heaven's sake.
With the last 24 hours and the way things unfolded, once again I'm finding myself being bitter and angry at the way life works. I'm not going to lie, over the last year, whenever I'm upset, I'm honestly just praying for Jesus to come back or at least take me up with him. I know these are some dangerous things to be asking, especially the latter. But it kind of just shows that I haven't been ideally what you'd call "happy" or "joyful".
And the other stupid thing is that with the state that I'm in, it goes against everything that I believe in. I tell people that there's no point to worry and all that kind of crap to try to paint a picture with sunshine and flowers, but reality of things is that life is going to suck and does suck. I've been such a huge positivity person and just promoted optimism in general; but recently, and you can probably tell too, that I'm really becoming a cynic and pessimist. This part of the journey that I'm at just isn't allowing me to live out what I preach, thus making me a hypocrite.
When I try to take a look on the big picture, the whole "perspective" crap that we often spew out, I see that I'm just a 20 year old kid that's trying to make it through Bible college. Quite frankly, things only get worse from here on out because even though living the life of a student is legitimately unfair, being in full time ministry is quite possibly worse and will be worse at times.
The absolute worst part of all this is that it always feels like nobody gives a damn. I'm here barely holding on, and other than well wishes, which is already few and far in between, what do I get? Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all, other than the fact that I'm left feeling sorry for myself and trying to force pity upon myself.
Honest question: what's the bloody point?
Since my car died last night, I've been incredibly cynical and angry at just about everything. I could probably count how many times I laughed or even smiled today for that matter. It is at times like these where I just hate everything. I've been angry at God and perfectly fine with it too. It's gotten to a point where I'm apathetic toward being upset, thus allowing myself to just indulge in all of its glory. It's kind of scary actually because I think you might be surprised at how much rage has been building up inside of me.
Well, anyways, I don't even know if I'll ever have a car to drive again until I get a full time job and can afford to finance one. That is part of why I've been so upset. The other part of it is that just the way the whole story played out last night, with the car drawing closer to giving out each meter that it traveled. It got to a point where I had to turn off all the heat, the lights, everything when it was pitch black outside. Even my dashboard froze and the lights turned off so I couldn't see how fast I was going. But even if the dashboard lights were on, it wouldn't have mattered because the speedometer froze.
So as the car finally got back into the parking lot, I turned it off one last time. I swear, the car could've just given out when I was still on the road. But seeing as the car is the only damn thing in this world that really cares about me, it refused to leave me stranded in the middle of Calgary at night. Just with the way it happened is why I'm so angry at why it's got to happen.
The stupid thing is that I know exactly how this is going to play out. God's the one in control and that's how I like it. Things suck like crap right now and I know that I just have to go through with it because that's what God's written. So I really have no choice but to just live through until somehow things get better. Other than the car being fixed and having me pay a shitload of money that I don't even have for that to occur, I don't see myself having a vehicle anymore.What this means is that I can't do crap when I'm in Calgary. I have to meet requirements to graduate; and part of these requirements is to be working at a church. This church that I'm at right now is a 30 minute drive for heaven's sake.
With the last 24 hours and the way things unfolded, once again I'm finding myself being bitter and angry at the way life works. I'm not going to lie, over the last year, whenever I'm upset, I'm honestly just praying for Jesus to come back or at least take me up with him. I know these are some dangerous things to be asking, especially the latter. But it kind of just shows that I haven't been ideally what you'd call "happy" or "joyful".
And the other stupid thing is that with the state that I'm in, it goes against everything that I believe in. I tell people that there's no point to worry and all that kind of crap to try to paint a picture with sunshine and flowers, but reality of things is that life is going to suck and does suck. I've been such a huge positivity person and just promoted optimism in general; but recently, and you can probably tell too, that I'm really becoming a cynic and pessimist. This part of the journey that I'm at just isn't allowing me to live out what I preach, thus making me a hypocrite.
When I try to take a look on the big picture, the whole "perspective" crap that we often spew out, I see that I'm just a 20 year old kid that's trying to make it through Bible college. Quite frankly, things only get worse from here on out because even though living the life of a student is legitimately unfair, being in full time ministry is quite possibly worse and will be worse at times.
The absolute worst part of all this is that it always feels like nobody gives a damn. I'm here barely holding on, and other than well wishes, which is already few and far in between, what do I get? Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all, other than the fact that I'm left feeling sorry for myself and trying to force pity upon myself.
Honest question: what's the bloody point?
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Off
Everyone has off days. So far, it's been an off year for me even though it's only been about two months into the school year. Everything I'm doing or have done is just not to the level of standard that I'm used to. But why?
I think that it is most notable in the papers that I have been writing. Before I hand in my papers, I always try to read it over; unfortunately, every one that I've read so far has been awful. Part of it is probably because of my procrastination that seems to be at an all time high until recently where I was slapped in the face (figuratively, of course) and started to pick up my act.
Not going to lie, I haven't felt like myself for very much of this school year. I've tried to think about it to see where or what is bothering me. I probably know why, I'm just avoiding it. Haha.
So, as I have two somewhat minor papers due this week, I hope to change my ways! Even though what is distracting me from doing well in school isn't really school related, I need to learn to re-focus again.
Thankfully, I went to First Alliance Church tonight for a Saturday worship. It was so neat! First of all, I've never been to a Saturday worship before, so I wasn't really feeling like I was in a worship mood. But I love attending these big churches once in a while because it adds to my perspective of how churches are run.
I loved the experience! Anyways, I'm starting to do better...
... So I totally got sidetracked and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I was saying.
And I feel terrible for forgetting, so I'm going to end my post here and come back to it when I remember!
I think that it is most notable in the papers that I have been writing. Before I hand in my papers, I always try to read it over; unfortunately, every one that I've read so far has been awful. Part of it is probably because of my procrastination that seems to be at an all time high until recently where I was slapped in the face (figuratively, of course) and started to pick up my act.
Not going to lie, I haven't felt like myself for very much of this school year. I've tried to think about it to see where or what is bothering me. I probably know why, I'm just avoiding it. Haha.
So, as I have two somewhat minor papers due this week, I hope to change my ways! Even though what is distracting me from doing well in school isn't really school related, I need to learn to re-focus again.
Thankfully, I went to First Alliance Church tonight for a Saturday worship. It was so neat! First of all, I've never been to a Saturday worship before, so I wasn't really feeling like I was in a worship mood. But I love attending these big churches once in a while because it adds to my perspective of how churches are run.
I loved the experience! Anyways, I'm starting to do better...
... So I totally got sidetracked and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I was saying.
And I feel terrible for forgetting, so I'm going to end my post here and come back to it when I remember!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Food
So, there are always those things that people seem to tell you, and at the time you hear it you don't think too much about it, but some time later it totally comes true and you get one of those "I told you so" type of moments.
Last year, and I didn't think it was possible, but I lost over 10 pounds over the course of the school year. It was quite visible too, according to some people, about how I had gotten skinnier. Funny, because I didn't think I could; but apparently, I can. So over the four months that I was home, I tried to gain it back - it kind of worked.
I swore to myself that I was not going to let this occur again this year. A month and a half of school later, I think it might happen. I cannot stand eating cafeteria food everyday. It tastes awful, and is hardly ever filling to the point that it can put me through to the next meal. The worst thing about it is that it is so bloody expensive. If it didn't cost an arm or a leg every time I wanted to get something to eat, maybe I wouldn't be as reluctant to go get something. I remember, and had a good guess that it'd be true, years ago when some people told me that cafeteria food is awful to be living on. I didn't think that it'd actually come to a point where I'd be living off of cafe food.
I haven't intentionally done it, but I've caught myself trying to get around it a few times: I've skipped some meals. The best example will be that over the last two days, I didn't eat lunch. Sure, I've been tight on time for doing my paper, but I still think that it is inexcusable that I'm not eating enough. And because I'm not eating enough, I am reminded of what it feels like to have next to no energy or ability to function because of the lack of food in my stomach. It kind of sucks.
So my eating habits are pretty bad already, and I sure as heck hope that it doesn't come down to me losing weight again because I'm already skinny enough.
The challenge now is that I find a way to stay full! If you ask me, I'd probably choose to be getting fat rather than getting skinny now in the state that I'm in. Don't get me wrong though! I still prefer to be skinny over being fat; but my point is that if I had to choose between getting fat off cafeteria food over getting skinny, I'd pick fat. Because I don't like being hungry!
Oh well, I'll learn to deal (=
Last year, and I didn't think it was possible, but I lost over 10 pounds over the course of the school year. It was quite visible too, according to some people, about how I had gotten skinnier. Funny, because I didn't think I could; but apparently, I can. So over the four months that I was home, I tried to gain it back - it kind of worked.
I swore to myself that I was not going to let this occur again this year. A month and a half of school later, I think it might happen. I cannot stand eating cafeteria food everyday. It tastes awful, and is hardly ever filling to the point that it can put me through to the next meal. The worst thing about it is that it is so bloody expensive. If it didn't cost an arm or a leg every time I wanted to get something to eat, maybe I wouldn't be as reluctant to go get something. I remember, and had a good guess that it'd be true, years ago when some people told me that cafeteria food is awful to be living on. I didn't think that it'd actually come to a point where I'd be living off of cafe food.
I haven't intentionally done it, but I've caught myself trying to get around it a few times: I've skipped some meals. The best example will be that over the last two days, I didn't eat lunch. Sure, I've been tight on time for doing my paper, but I still think that it is inexcusable that I'm not eating enough. And because I'm not eating enough, I am reminded of what it feels like to have next to no energy or ability to function because of the lack of food in my stomach. It kind of sucks.
So my eating habits are pretty bad already, and I sure as heck hope that it doesn't come down to me losing weight again because I'm already skinny enough.
The challenge now is that I find a way to stay full! If you ask me, I'd probably choose to be getting fat rather than getting skinny now in the state that I'm in. Don't get me wrong though! I still prefer to be skinny over being fat; but my point is that if I had to choose between getting fat off cafeteria food over getting skinny, I'd pick fat. Because I don't like being hungry!
Oh well, I'll learn to deal (=
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Slap In the Face!
Every year, it seems like I am lazy as heck to start off a school year. I've been in school for a lot of years now, and it has never changed. So as it's been the same again this year, I've been incredibly lazy - more so than I was last year. I think that last year was a pleasant surprise because I had never found such joy in being in school and studying something that I was passionate about. But with this being my second year, I kind of unintentionally carried that entitlement in thinking that I know what this is all about.
People talk about the "sophomore jinx" in sports and how when a player gets complacent, they stop trying as hard after their first year because they know what's up. So, with that being said, I've been absolutely brutal this year.
Usually, it takes something to slap me in the face that will wake me up and scare me in order for me to really start working. I think that's happened now. Unfortunately, it happened a little too late and I am quite potentially screwed.
As today is Wednesday, these are some of the things that I am facing over the next few days. Tomorrow, I have a Greek exam; it is a given that a few hours will be needed to study for this because I need to memorize the vocab and learn all the rules of how the words work. I also have to get together with my Sociology group tomorrow to put our presentation together and get ready to present on Tuesday. At night, I'm going to be going to church to have a worship practice with people I have never played with before. Automatically, that takes another few hours out of my day. All of this is kind of hindering at what I really want to focus on the most: my Practical Theology paper. This beast of a thing is to be ten to twelve pages, and just today have I started to do my research - it's due on Monday. This weekend, I'm going to have to also put together a couple of somewhat minor papers for my Practicum Reflection class, but they're not as minor in the sense that my prof is very particular about what and how he wants the paper to be done. My first paper, although it was my fault for forgetting about it, shows that certain profs like things done in ways that others may not. With the weekend approaching, I have to meet my practicum peoples on Friday; then there is a missions conference over the weekend which I am helping with worship.
Now that I seem to have woken up from the "summer syndrome" that kept me from being productive for the first month and a half of school, I am finally finding the ability to focus - kind of. The main concern for me is the theology paper on communion but there are so many other little assignments and stuff that I need to do, it makes for a very choppy and itchy progress.
So now that I'm about to go for supper, hoping that it tastes good tonight, I guess I found some time to blog and vent out some of the things that I need to do. I would never intentionally put myself into this position for being so cramped for time; but hey, this is my biggest weakness after all. I just hope that I can finish things to the quality that I'd like them to be because I know what I'm capable of, the laziness just prevents me from doing that.
GET TO WORK!
People talk about the "sophomore jinx" in sports and how when a player gets complacent, they stop trying as hard after their first year because they know what's up. So, with that being said, I've been absolutely brutal this year.
Usually, it takes something to slap me in the face that will wake me up and scare me in order for me to really start working. I think that's happened now. Unfortunately, it happened a little too late and I am quite potentially screwed.
As today is Wednesday, these are some of the things that I am facing over the next few days. Tomorrow, I have a Greek exam; it is a given that a few hours will be needed to study for this because I need to memorize the vocab and learn all the rules of how the words work. I also have to get together with my Sociology group tomorrow to put our presentation together and get ready to present on Tuesday. At night, I'm going to be going to church to have a worship practice with people I have never played with before. Automatically, that takes another few hours out of my day. All of this is kind of hindering at what I really want to focus on the most: my Practical Theology paper. This beast of a thing is to be ten to twelve pages, and just today have I started to do my research - it's due on Monday. This weekend, I'm going to have to also put together a couple of somewhat minor papers for my Practicum Reflection class, but they're not as minor in the sense that my prof is very particular about what and how he wants the paper to be done. My first paper, although it was my fault for forgetting about it, shows that certain profs like things done in ways that others may not. With the weekend approaching, I have to meet my practicum peoples on Friday; then there is a missions conference over the weekend which I am helping with worship.
Now that I seem to have woken up from the "summer syndrome" that kept me from being productive for the first month and a half of school, I am finally finding the ability to focus - kind of. The main concern for me is the theology paper on communion but there are so many other little assignments and stuff that I need to do, it makes for a very choppy and itchy progress.
So now that I'm about to go for supper, hoping that it tastes good tonight, I guess I found some time to blog and vent out some of the things that I need to do. I would never intentionally put myself into this position for being so cramped for time; but hey, this is my biggest weakness after all. I just hope that I can finish things to the quality that I'd like them to be because I know what I'm capable of, the laziness just prevents me from doing that.
GET TO WORK!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Giving Thanks
I think it's an annual thing (duh!) where everyone writes off a list of things that they are grateful for when the time of Thanksgiving comes around.
And of course, we're also going to complain about why we don't live like this everyday and only be thankful for one weekend of the year.
Anyways, I am specially thankful for my parents. I've said this a few times before, but I strongly believe that I have the best parents in the world. Obviously, almost everyone will disagree with me and I can totally understand, since "best" is usually of an opinion anyway. Regardless, there is nothing that will or could change my mind about thinking that though, about having the #1 parents in the world.
I keep thinking about where I am, and then thinking about how much of it has to do with my parents. Simply speaking, the only reason that I am today is because of my parents. And really, that's about all that needs to be said. I am a living testimony of my parents work, and there is no way I could ever even come close to being a portion of the parent that my parents are. The only reason why people would think highly of me is because of the reputation and status that my parents have held me up to.
I could go on and on, but I feel that this is quite enough to be said.
(=
And of course, we're also going to complain about why we don't live like this everyday and only be thankful for one weekend of the year.
Anyways, I am specially thankful for my parents. I've said this a few times before, but I strongly believe that I have the best parents in the world. Obviously, almost everyone will disagree with me and I can totally understand, since "best" is usually of an opinion anyway. Regardless, there is nothing that will or could change my mind about thinking that though, about having the #1 parents in the world.
I keep thinking about where I am, and then thinking about how much of it has to do with my parents. Simply speaking, the only reason that I am today is because of my parents. And really, that's about all that needs to be said. I am a living testimony of my parents work, and there is no way I could ever even come close to being a portion of the parent that my parents are. The only reason why people would think highly of me is because of the reputation and status that my parents have held me up to.
I could go on and on, but I feel that this is quite enough to be said.
(=
Sunday, October 2, 2011
A State of Trance
Tonight just may be one of my favorite Sunday nights of all time. To kind of throw you right into where I'm right now, paint yourself this picture -
You're sitting in your bed, covers pulled up to your waist and your back leaning on your pillow. Your laptop is sitting gently on your lap and you have your earphones plugged into your ears from your computer. There's a lot of things happening outside; but right now, you just don't give a damn. The music that's flowing from the computer to your ears is just so calm and soothing to your mind. You're in a state of trance, of solitude. Nothing else matters right now and you can just about feel every muscle in your body being relaxed. Not a care in the world.
The only thing that I left open was what kind of music was playing. Recently, and partly because I haven't been able to find some good new music, I've diverted to a lot of electronica. Just a few years ago, I was never a fan of electronica because I felt the music never had any flow or any structure to it. All it ever was were just beats and a catchy little riff or something that lasted a few minutes. But I can legitimately say that there's some talent out there now with the electronica that's being produced. And no, I don't mean club music or any of that kind of stuff.
Okay, maybe a bit of it can be played in clubs, but they're better. Or maybe my tastes have just changed? Who knows. But I've discovered something so full of bliss with this kind of music - it captivates my entire spirit, it seems. Most of what I'm listening to is really calm, engaging and relaxing music. You can call it musical therapy.
So tonight, coincidentally, a lot of my friends and I just so happened to be expecting a long night of work or studying. I know how grueling these nights can be so I decided to try to do something to make it more fun and lighten it up a bit! I threw out a challenge on Facebook that seemed to spread even beyond just my circle of friends! Definitely a proud moment. So I gathered all the pictures that I had seen with my friends work stations and posted them into one post on my Tumblr if you want to see.
I know that it ultimately might have hindered my productivity, but I'll trade my work for good fellowship and bonding time any day. It's all about relationships after all ain't it?
So anyways, as I sit in my bed in the situation that I described above, I am listening to my music and I'm absolutely in a state of trance. Everything that I'm typing out right now is literally all that I'm thinking about, translated from my brain to my fingers. There isn't another thought outside of one other one, that I haven't typed on this blog post over the last several minutes. And I feel like that thought probably isn't worth sharing, haha.
To be honest, I haven't felt this relaxed mentally in a very long time. I'm sure I'll eventually come back to gripes with all that I need to do, but I feel like this is so good for me and a lot of other people: to have that time in the day where they can just relax and drift away for a long time and not care about it at all.
In case you're wondering about what I'm listening to and want to search some of it up, you can! Aside from a lot of that popular and "mainstream" electronica like the trance and techno crap that is out there, I'm listening to Blue Sky Black Death and Ludique. I will warn you now that this isn't music for everyone. It's just what I found works for me. It's really helped me calm myself and sometimes I just don't want to escape from the state that I've been put into. Haha.
So with September being out of the way, I hope everyone has had a good first month and are excited and looking forward to all the sweet happenings that October has to offer!
The next thing I need to work on is silence.
You're sitting in your bed, covers pulled up to your waist and your back leaning on your pillow. Your laptop is sitting gently on your lap and you have your earphones plugged into your ears from your computer. There's a lot of things happening outside; but right now, you just don't give a damn. The music that's flowing from the computer to your ears is just so calm and soothing to your mind. You're in a state of trance, of solitude. Nothing else matters right now and you can just about feel every muscle in your body being relaxed. Not a care in the world.
The only thing that I left open was what kind of music was playing. Recently, and partly because I haven't been able to find some good new music, I've diverted to a lot of electronica. Just a few years ago, I was never a fan of electronica because I felt the music never had any flow or any structure to it. All it ever was were just beats and a catchy little riff or something that lasted a few minutes. But I can legitimately say that there's some talent out there now with the electronica that's being produced. And no, I don't mean club music or any of that kind of stuff.
Okay, maybe a bit of it can be played in clubs, but they're better. Or maybe my tastes have just changed? Who knows. But I've discovered something so full of bliss with this kind of music - it captivates my entire spirit, it seems. Most of what I'm listening to is really calm, engaging and relaxing music. You can call it musical therapy.
So tonight, coincidentally, a lot of my friends and I just so happened to be expecting a long night of work or studying. I know how grueling these nights can be so I decided to try to do something to make it more fun and lighten it up a bit! I threw out a challenge on Facebook that seemed to spread even beyond just my circle of friends! Definitely a proud moment. So I gathered all the pictures that I had seen with my friends work stations and posted them into one post on my Tumblr if you want to see.
I know that it ultimately might have hindered my productivity, but I'll trade my work for good fellowship and bonding time any day. It's all about relationships after all ain't it?
So anyways, as I sit in my bed in the situation that I described above, I am listening to my music and I'm absolutely in a state of trance. Everything that I'm typing out right now is literally all that I'm thinking about, translated from my brain to my fingers. There isn't another thought outside of one other one, that I haven't typed on this blog post over the last several minutes. And I feel like that thought probably isn't worth sharing, haha.
To be honest, I haven't felt this relaxed mentally in a very long time. I'm sure I'll eventually come back to gripes with all that I need to do, but I feel like this is so good for me and a lot of other people: to have that time in the day where they can just relax and drift away for a long time and not care about it at all.
In case you're wondering about what I'm listening to and want to search some of it up, you can! Aside from a lot of that popular and "mainstream" electronica like the trance and techno crap that is out there, I'm listening to Blue Sky Black Death and Ludique. I will warn you now that this isn't music for everyone. It's just what I found works for me. It's really helped me calm myself and sometimes I just don't want to escape from the state that I've been put into. Haha.
So with September being out of the way, I hope everyone has had a good first month and are excited and looking forward to all the sweet happenings that October has to offer!
The next thing I need to work on is silence.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Front Loaded Courses
Aside from the fact that my school's internet sucks, life on campus is convenient. I can wake up 15 minutes before class and I'll still be a couple minutes early. If I want food, I just need to go order it and swipe my card. There's workout facilities, plenty of bathrooms across the school, etc.
For whatever reason, my professor decided that he would make all his courses front loaded in an attempt to make it easier for us towards the end of the term. But this tactic only works if you're the only professor trying to do that. And because I have two classes with this professor, it means two of my courses automatically have all the big assignments due at the beginning of the term. This doesn't even account for my other three classes that are doing pretty much the same.
So this basically means that I'm pretty much screwed. I'm still in a summer holiday mood and feeling lazy; so there is pretty much no motivation to work. But it's okay! I will park myself in the school library in an attempt to steal some better internet so I can browse the internet without the disconnecting every 5 minutes. Conveniently enough, sitting in the library, the atmosphere is somewhat making me feel like I should work because everyone else is pretty much doing it. Maybe it's a win-win situation? No way. I can't do my internet stuff and work at the same time. My multitasking abilities are pretty weak.
But anyways, I have my stuff laid out in front of me and if I'm lucky I'll get some of these thoughts and notes into a Word document. The assignment is due next Wednesday so I really need to start writing. The good thing is that this paper is about worship and it's not as big of a beast as some of the theology papers I had to write last year.
You, the loyal reader that I love so much, probably don't care what my paper is supposed to be about but I'm going to tell you anyway! I have to write a 6-8 page paper that describes my stance on worship. There's a bunch of questions I need to attempt to answer, so it should be fun. Basically I'm writing a theology of worship.
So I'll be trying to give my position on questions like "what is worship", "why should we worship", "who can worship, why", etc., etc. It should be fun, and I know it's going to be fun writing on these topics; but I think the fact that I need to use about 5-6 sources kind of turns me off because it means that I have to read. Darn it! Haha.
Speaking of reading, I've recently discovered a pretty decent joy for reading the Bible, which is something that I've been needing for the longest time. So I guess that's a start!
So the first month of the new school year is pretty much coming to an end. I hope everyone has had a good start!
For whatever reason, my professor decided that he would make all his courses front loaded in an attempt to make it easier for us towards the end of the term. But this tactic only works if you're the only professor trying to do that. And because I have two classes with this professor, it means two of my courses automatically have all the big assignments due at the beginning of the term. This doesn't even account for my other three classes that are doing pretty much the same.
So this basically means that I'm pretty much screwed. I'm still in a summer holiday mood and feeling lazy; so there is pretty much no motivation to work. But it's okay! I will park myself in the school library in an attempt to steal some better internet so I can browse the internet without the disconnecting every 5 minutes. Conveniently enough, sitting in the library, the atmosphere is somewhat making me feel like I should work because everyone else is pretty much doing it. Maybe it's a win-win situation? No way. I can't do my internet stuff and work at the same time. My multitasking abilities are pretty weak.
But anyways, I have my stuff laid out in front of me and if I'm lucky I'll get some of these thoughts and notes into a Word document. The assignment is due next Wednesday so I really need to start writing. The good thing is that this paper is about worship and it's not as big of a beast as some of the theology papers I had to write last year.
You, the loyal reader that I love so much, probably don't care what my paper is supposed to be about but I'm going to tell you anyway! I have to write a 6-8 page paper that describes my stance on worship. There's a bunch of questions I need to attempt to answer, so it should be fun. Basically I'm writing a theology of worship.
So I'll be trying to give my position on questions like "what is worship", "why should we worship", "who can worship, why", etc., etc. It should be fun, and I know it's going to be fun writing on these topics; but I think the fact that I need to use about 5-6 sources kind of turns me off because it means that I have to read. Darn it! Haha.
Speaking of reading, I've recently discovered a pretty decent joy for reading the Bible, which is something that I've been needing for the longest time. So I guess that's a start!
So the first month of the new school year is pretty much coming to an end. I hope everyone has had a good start!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Turning Tables
Well, this week was definitely a week worth remembering for multiple reasons. School has been decent. I'm still having a bit of trouble really getting down to work, but it's getting there!
The first half of the week was so full of bliss. I had so much joy in me for the first few days for many reasons. I was pleasantly surprised with visitors on Monday and Tuesday, and it was really cool to see people that I don't get to see often. I also had a lot of "fun" with Greek this week. All those translations and all the rules of this and that probably aged my brain a few years, but it was fun to experience. In my other religion classes, I really like the professor so paying attention has been easy and engaging with the topic as well. As for my practicum, it finally looks like there's a more definitive role for me that's starting to be laid out. So no more of that awkward sitting in on junior high and high school groups looking like another one of them. Haha.
Also with this week, I experienced how one person can make me feel like I'm on top of the world and then the most useless piece of garbage over the span of a couple of moments. I didn't know it was possible, but I guess it is. Aside from all the overreacting on my part and whatever else kind of factors that contributed to such a harsh and sudden turning of tables, I feel like there's something really valuable for me to learn, even if I haven't quite found out what it is exactly yet.
I've realized that in a relationship between two people, whether it is a friend, significant other, parent, sibling, etc., there are going to be times where there are rough patches that might cause a bit of tension and make things uncomfortable or sour. It's usually in these times where someone's true colors start to show, everything from how they handle the situation to where the relationship goes after that point of conflict.
When I think about it, I haven't had any of these situations happen to me in a very long time. From what it seemed to me anyway, most people were pretty cool with me and I never got into any fights or arguments that would cause bitterness or whatever. So having it happen this week, it caught me a little by surprise and I might not have done the best that I could have to handle it initially. And now that I've recovered from the initial shock a little bit, I hope that the amends I've tried to make will fix things a little bit. I'm honestly not entirely sure if my relationship with this person will ever be back to the way it was, literally, a few minutes before the tables turned. If you ask me, it was probably my fault that it even happened in the first place; but just the way that it played out, it was like how Tiger Woods was arguably the most respected athlete in the world, and the second his affairs were discovered, he lost almost all of it immediately. That's pretty much the extent to what I felt like happened, which is why I said earlier that it was amazing how one person could make me feel so amazing; and then all of a sudden, like I'm the worst person in the world.
So with that being said, here's hoping that my relationship with this person can heal without too much scarring.
Happy Friday, everyone! (=
The first half of the week was so full of bliss. I had so much joy in me for the first few days for many reasons. I was pleasantly surprised with visitors on Monday and Tuesday, and it was really cool to see people that I don't get to see often. I also had a lot of "fun" with Greek this week. All those translations and all the rules of this and that probably aged my brain a few years, but it was fun to experience. In my other religion classes, I really like the professor so paying attention has been easy and engaging with the topic as well. As for my practicum, it finally looks like there's a more definitive role for me that's starting to be laid out. So no more of that awkward sitting in on junior high and high school groups looking like another one of them. Haha.
Also with this week, I experienced how one person can make me feel like I'm on top of the world and then the most useless piece of garbage over the span of a couple of moments. I didn't know it was possible, but I guess it is. Aside from all the overreacting on my part and whatever else kind of factors that contributed to such a harsh and sudden turning of tables, I feel like there's something really valuable for me to learn, even if I haven't quite found out what it is exactly yet.
I've realized that in a relationship between two people, whether it is a friend, significant other, parent, sibling, etc., there are going to be times where there are rough patches that might cause a bit of tension and make things uncomfortable or sour. It's usually in these times where someone's true colors start to show, everything from how they handle the situation to where the relationship goes after that point of conflict.
When I think about it, I haven't had any of these situations happen to me in a very long time. From what it seemed to me anyway, most people were pretty cool with me and I never got into any fights or arguments that would cause bitterness or whatever. So having it happen this week, it caught me a little by surprise and I might not have done the best that I could have to handle it initially. And now that I've recovered from the initial shock a little bit, I hope that the amends I've tried to make will fix things a little bit. I'm honestly not entirely sure if my relationship with this person will ever be back to the way it was, literally, a few minutes before the tables turned. If you ask me, it was probably my fault that it even happened in the first place; but just the way that it played out, it was like how Tiger Woods was arguably the most respected athlete in the world, and the second his affairs were discovered, he lost almost all of it immediately. That's pretty much the extent to what I felt like happened, which is why I said earlier that it was amazing how one person could make me feel so amazing; and then all of a sudden, like I'm the worst person in the world.
So with that being said, here's hoping that my relationship with this person can heal without too much scarring.
Happy Friday, everyone! (=
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Getting Used to "New"
I thought about putting my title as getting used to the "different", but I thought that it's not the right mindset to have.
Quite obviously, everything has been different for me so far. The biggest change is the whole living in community aspect. I'm still not exactly used to it even though it's been better than I thought. Especially the last few days, I've been having trouble working myself up to interacting with people. In a sense, I've really caved into myself again. I remember the last few nights where I just kind of sat in my bed while there seemed to be quite a bit of stuff happening outside and I just kind of sat there not doing anything - no real thoughts or anything. And to kind of make things worse, I'm just consistently tired now, even with a full night's sleep. This doesn't really bode well because this is the week that I really have to start working.
Maybe there's too much on my mind? Who knows. But with school and a lot of other extracurricular things, it's seeming like I don't have any time on the down low. Even going to church has a bit of a school motif behind it because I'm doing my practicum. If things keep going like this, I don't even want to begin imagining what it feels like for the people to have burnt out.
And more recently, as in the last couple months, my mind has been constantly clouded with one thing; so even if I am not thinking about school or church, I'm thinking about this other thing. I feel like it's just such a battle in my brain when I'm trying to focus, it keeps popping up - kind of distracting.
With church, it's really neat to see what kind of an experience each one brings. With South Gate Alliance, it's been really interesting. I think that if I were just visiting or casually attending, I wouldn't think too much of it; but because I'm a practicum student at this church, I kind of automatically start thinking about how things are run and maybe how it can be better. I was raised a certain way so I'm going to think about how I would want to do things to change a worship service to form into the way that I grew up seeing it. I think it's perfectly natural, but I probably shouldn't be jumping to conclusions so fast about how this area could be this way, or that could be that way. So I tried to change my point of view during this morning's worship to try to see things in a new way, but I'm not going to lie, it was tough.
In a sense, this excites me because I get to see a pretty different way of structure and maybe even emphasis in how a church's routine week can look like. So I guess what I'm really saying is that, other than the size of the church, South Gate is next to nothing like NEAC. Don't get me wrong though, I don't mind, I just need to get used to it.
So as another week is about to begin, I just hope that I can recharge enough because a majority of my courses are front loaded and so most of the work will be done before the end of October. I definitely also need to take time to force myself to not think about or do anything related to school, church, and whatever else distracts me from having God first in my life, and just spend time reading the Bible, praying and listening to God. I know it'll be tough, but I have to do it.
Quite obviously, everything has been different for me so far. The biggest change is the whole living in community aspect. I'm still not exactly used to it even though it's been better than I thought. Especially the last few days, I've been having trouble working myself up to interacting with people. In a sense, I've really caved into myself again. I remember the last few nights where I just kind of sat in my bed while there seemed to be quite a bit of stuff happening outside and I just kind of sat there not doing anything - no real thoughts or anything. And to kind of make things worse, I'm just consistently tired now, even with a full night's sleep. This doesn't really bode well because this is the week that I really have to start working.
Maybe there's too much on my mind? Who knows. But with school and a lot of other extracurricular things, it's seeming like I don't have any time on the down low. Even going to church has a bit of a school motif behind it because I'm doing my practicum. If things keep going like this, I don't even want to begin imagining what it feels like for the people to have burnt out.
And more recently, as in the last couple months, my mind has been constantly clouded with one thing; so even if I am not thinking about school or church, I'm thinking about this other thing. I feel like it's just such a battle in my brain when I'm trying to focus, it keeps popping up - kind of distracting.
With church, it's really neat to see what kind of an experience each one brings. With South Gate Alliance, it's been really interesting. I think that if I were just visiting or casually attending, I wouldn't think too much of it; but because I'm a practicum student at this church, I kind of automatically start thinking about how things are run and maybe how it can be better. I was raised a certain way so I'm going to think about how I would want to do things to change a worship service to form into the way that I grew up seeing it. I think it's perfectly natural, but I probably shouldn't be jumping to conclusions so fast about how this area could be this way, or that could be that way. So I tried to change my point of view during this morning's worship to try to see things in a new way, but I'm not going to lie, it was tough.
In a sense, this excites me because I get to see a pretty different way of structure and maybe even emphasis in how a church's routine week can look like. So I guess what I'm really saying is that, other than the size of the church, South Gate is next to nothing like NEAC. Don't get me wrong though, I don't mind, I just need to get used to it.
So as another week is about to begin, I just hope that I can recharge enough because a majority of my courses are front loaded and so most of the work will be done before the end of October. I definitely also need to take time to force myself to not think about or do anything related to school, church, and whatever else distracts me from having God first in my life, and just spend time reading the Bible, praying and listening to God. I know it'll be tough, but I have to do it.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Keeping Up
Hard to imagine that I was moving in right around this time last week. It's been a week and it seems like it's been such a long time.
After the first few days, I'd settled in and unpacked pretty much everything by the time classes got going. I got pretty lucky and managed to get back to taking five courses each semester. So my Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays are pretty relaxed as I only have one class each of those days - they're in the afternoon as well.
It's amazing how much energy the people on res have. I've found myself being exhausted at the end of most days and how much I enjoyed quiet time in the evening. I think this really confirms how much of an introvert I am. It's strange because I feed off of energy from the people around me, but I never realized how much I loved silence until now.
Anyways, everything is going underway now that the school year is back in full flight. Getting to meet some new people at church has been nice too. The only thing I find strange is that for some reason, the pastor and I somehow agreed upon not introducing me as the practicum student yet. So going to the junior high and high school fellowship on Friday, and then going to Sunday school this morning, felt really strange because all the kids expected me to be their age. So I had to cave and tell a few of them who I am because it'd just be strange if I told them that I'm in grade 11 or 12. One thing that I do like though is that the youth seem pretty open and energetic here, a lot less reserved than the ones back home in NEAC.
It's much tougher trying to get to know people without already having previous connections in the church like I did last year to kind of show you around and introduce you to the people. And add to the fact that the size of South Gate is closer to the size of NEAC, so it will definitely be tougher to remember people's names. But it's not like I'm not used to meeting new people right? Haha.
So I guess with the second week coming up, I'm pretty excited. I look forward to continuing to get to know people better and build stronger friendships down the road.
I have a feeling that I'm going to get owned by Greek.
Speaking of which, HOCKEY'S BACK! YEAH!
After the first few days, I'd settled in and unpacked pretty much everything by the time classes got going. I got pretty lucky and managed to get back to taking five courses each semester. So my Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays are pretty relaxed as I only have one class each of those days - they're in the afternoon as well.
It's amazing how much energy the people on res have. I've found myself being exhausted at the end of most days and how much I enjoyed quiet time in the evening. I think this really confirms how much of an introvert I am. It's strange because I feed off of energy from the people around me, but I never realized how much I loved silence until now.
Anyways, everything is going underway now that the school year is back in full flight. Getting to meet some new people at church has been nice too. The only thing I find strange is that for some reason, the pastor and I somehow agreed upon not introducing me as the practicum student yet. So going to the junior high and high school fellowship on Friday, and then going to Sunday school this morning, felt really strange because all the kids expected me to be their age. So I had to cave and tell a few of them who I am because it'd just be strange if I told them that I'm in grade 11 or 12. One thing that I do like though is that the youth seem pretty open and energetic here, a lot less reserved than the ones back home in NEAC.
It's much tougher trying to get to know people without already having previous connections in the church like I did last year to kind of show you around and introduce you to the people. And add to the fact that the size of South Gate is closer to the size of NEAC, so it will definitely be tougher to remember people's names. But it's not like I'm not used to meeting new people right? Haha.
So I guess with the second week coming up, I'm pretty excited. I look forward to continuing to get to know people better and build stronger friendships down the road.
I have a feeling that I'm going to get owned by Greek.
Speaking of which, HOCKEY'S BACK! YEAH!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Moved In!
So the new year has arrived, so to speak. Today felt like such a rush and now that I have a chance to wind down a little bit, it feels great. Let me take you through the past few days, the way I saw it.
It ended like this. I walk into my room after a pretty eventful night that included Marble Slab, ultimate frisbee, watching a firetruck put out a fire, more ultimate frisbee, and walk into my room with my roommate sleeping. Due to trying to be polite and being a klutz, I stumbled through the room trying to find where my stuff is - most of it is still packed - took a quick shower, and popped open my laptop and sat on my bed.
To be honest, it's all overwhelming so far. I can barely remember people's names other than the ones that were on my team when we played ultimate. I think this year has been a bit of a reversal from last year in how I reacted to the move. Last year, I felt good up until the move. When I got down, I lost it. This year was a bit different.
The last few days were extremely tough for me. And thanks to probably my favorite person as of right now, I was able to talk things through and vent a little bit; otherwise, I could have possibly broken down before today. So after service, I felt kind of bad for forcing my brother and sister to have to leave right away and started the drive down. When I arrived at Ambrose, I didn't feel too bad at all. It was actually quite pleasant in that people came quickly to help me move my stuff into my room.
After I put everything down, I went to Dairy Queen with the family for supper. Then we came back to drop me off and said goodbye. It didn't feel too bad at all. Of course, everyone already knows each other here; so in the conversations, I'm still a bit on the outside looking in. However, some people have been pretty nice to me already and we had some good chats.
There's definitely going to be a lot of getting used to the life that is here on residence. In fact, I probably still haven't registered that I'm actually here yet. It's just all too surreal.
So tomorrow, I think I have some orientation things to do - group activities and registrations type of things. I think the thing I'll miss the most is milk. I haven't figured out a good way for me to be able to get the milk that I love to drink in the morning and at night. I just might have to go get some for myself and label my name on it.
But I know it'll just take some time and I'll be right in the thick of things. I just hope that it'll happen fast; that I'll make the friends I want to make right away, and be on my way with my studies.
Speaking of which, I have no idea where I'm gonna get my breakfast tomorrow. Shoot!
It ended like this. I walk into my room after a pretty eventful night that included Marble Slab, ultimate frisbee, watching a firetruck put out a fire, more ultimate frisbee, and walk into my room with my roommate sleeping. Due to trying to be polite and being a klutz, I stumbled through the room trying to find where my stuff is - most of it is still packed - took a quick shower, and popped open my laptop and sat on my bed.
To be honest, it's all overwhelming so far. I can barely remember people's names other than the ones that were on my team when we played ultimate. I think this year has been a bit of a reversal from last year in how I reacted to the move. Last year, I felt good up until the move. When I got down, I lost it. This year was a bit different.
The last few days were extremely tough for me. And thanks to probably my favorite person as of right now, I was able to talk things through and vent a little bit; otherwise, I could have possibly broken down before today. So after service, I felt kind of bad for forcing my brother and sister to have to leave right away and started the drive down. When I arrived at Ambrose, I didn't feel too bad at all. It was actually quite pleasant in that people came quickly to help me move my stuff into my room.
After I put everything down, I went to Dairy Queen with the family for supper. Then we came back to drop me off and said goodbye. It didn't feel too bad at all. Of course, everyone already knows each other here; so in the conversations, I'm still a bit on the outside looking in. However, some people have been pretty nice to me already and we had some good chats.
There's definitely going to be a lot of getting used to the life that is here on residence. In fact, I probably still haven't registered that I'm actually here yet. It's just all too surreal.
So tomorrow, I think I have some orientation things to do - group activities and registrations type of things. I think the thing I'll miss the most is milk. I haven't figured out a good way for me to be able to get the milk that I love to drink in the morning and at night. I just might have to go get some for myself and label my name on it.
But I know it'll just take some time and I'll be right in the thick of things. I just hope that it'll happen fast; that I'll make the friends I want to make right away, and be on my way with my studies.
Speaking of which, I have no idea where I'm gonna get my breakfast tomorrow. Shoot!
Friday, September 2, 2011
A Year Later
A year ago, I was sitting in my new room thinking. I spent way too many nights in that room being confused and probably feeling lonely. To put it quite frankly, my first year at Ambrose was tough. Many things were less than ideal, but I just don't live life that way to keep dwelling on them, or looking at things that way.
Now I'm sitting at my kitchen table just one day removed from having to move down to Calgary again. I didn't intend to do it, but the recent deaths of three hockey players and their link to depression has really got me thinking. It breaks my heart to have to hear about people go through these things on a daily basis. I did some thinking about what sort of things might lead to depression and what sort of things someone might experience when they are in that state. It's very sad. I wish the best to all the families and friends that have been affected by these deaths.
What does this have to do with Calgary? I don't know, really. I just have a hard time thinking that I have to leave again. I think the difference between this year and last year though is that I tried to push aside all the feelings that were going through my head last year, partly because I had no idea what to expect. And so when things finally happened, I kind of caved all at once. This time around, I have a better idea of what to think about and what to expect my brain and heart would be feeling like. It's not very much easier the second time around. My body and mind are still recovering from a really high paced and demanding two months of soccer and teaching the kids about God, so it's been a tough week of transition for me.
There were quite a few times over this passed week where I kind of just found myself sitting here like a fruit. When I realized that I was literally only breathing and blinking, I kind of caught myself in some sort of strange intermediate state about trying to find out what coaching soccer did for me and needing to get ready for school.
And so here I am, with one day left until I hit the road again to move back to Calgary. I'm moving into the residence this year and I'm nervous about it. Since finishing soccer, my mind has just been a mess and I don't think I've made much sense at all this week - in what I said, wrote, thought, etc. So if this blog post doesn't make sense, you now know why.
Half of me is incredibly excited to move into res and start school. The other half is holding on to what I have here at home: my family, my friends, my familiarity. So far, the latter half is winning.
Now I'm sitting at my kitchen table just one day removed from having to move down to Calgary again. I didn't intend to do it, but the recent deaths of three hockey players and their link to depression has really got me thinking. It breaks my heart to have to hear about people go through these things on a daily basis. I did some thinking about what sort of things might lead to depression and what sort of things someone might experience when they are in that state. It's very sad. I wish the best to all the families and friends that have been affected by these deaths.
What does this have to do with Calgary? I don't know, really. I just have a hard time thinking that I have to leave again. I think the difference between this year and last year though is that I tried to push aside all the feelings that were going through my head last year, partly because I had no idea what to expect. And so when things finally happened, I kind of caved all at once. This time around, I have a better idea of what to think about and what to expect my brain and heart would be feeling like. It's not very much easier the second time around. My body and mind are still recovering from a really high paced and demanding two months of soccer and teaching the kids about God, so it's been a tough week of transition for me.
There were quite a few times over this passed week where I kind of just found myself sitting here like a fruit. When I realized that I was literally only breathing and blinking, I kind of caught myself in some sort of strange intermediate state about trying to find out what coaching soccer did for me and needing to get ready for school.
And so here I am, with one day left until I hit the road again to move back to Calgary. I'm moving into the residence this year and I'm nervous about it. Since finishing soccer, my mind has just been a mess and I don't think I've made much sense at all this week - in what I said, wrote, thought, etc. So if this blog post doesn't make sense, you now know why.
Half of me is incredibly excited to move into res and start school. The other half is holding on to what I have here at home: my family, my friends, my familiarity. So far, the latter half is winning.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Price Tag
"Today is my mom's birthday."
I used that as an excuse to go shopping this morning. And from what was intended to be just a casual trip, I came home with more to think about than just the things that I bought.
I've been eying a new pair of jeans and a zip-up hoodie for a while now. So I saw this as the perfect opportunity to seize the time that I have left in Edmonton to buy something as a "reward" for myself before I go back to school.
So I walked out of the store spending quite a bit of money buying those two items that I wanted and started to think about what my mom would want. I always feel like buying presents for moms are always the hardest. They never really want anything; even if they do, they'll never say it because they always put the family first.
Then I walked into the store and I saw a few neat things that I thought I could get. And then I looked at the price tag. There were two different things I wanted to get my mom but the price just could not justify me buying it. After debating for probably 10 minutes, I decided just to get them anyway. As I walk out the store I thought to myself, "why is it that I can so easily spend $200 on myself but struggle to spend $30 for my mom?" And on came the wave of guilty thoughts about how my mom has put us first all our lives, and blah blah blah. I think that even though the prices I paid for the two things I got my mom was a little more than what they should've cost, I should probably stop letting the price of something get in the way of showing someone how much I appreciate them. Sure, there's going to be a line that you can't really cross if something is ridiculously overpriced; but if I can so easily dish out an arm or a leg to buy something for myself, I should be able to do the same for others.
And I thought that when I left the mall, that was the end of it. I pulled close to the stop light where I needed to turn back onto 170th St., and I saw a guy holding a sign that said "I'm hungry. Can you help? I'm sorry." Normally, I just bypass these people without thinking much. And a lot of times, there are people that aren't really hungry and just want the money for drugs or whatever. But regardless of how they got into such a situation, it's a sad story. And this guy looked pretty legit in not having any food - he was pretty young, mid to late 20s is my guess. Even though I don't really care much for most of the people that I pass by with signs, it breaks my heart every time I see one. Whether or not they really need the money for food, having to resort to standing on the street and holding up a sign in hopes that someone feels bad for you is really unfortunate.
I take a look at myself and I know what it's like to not have enough money. Of course, my not having money is totally different from what the people on the streets see has not having money. My not having money is that I don't have enough to pay for school next year. The fortunate thing for me is that I still have a family that is looking out for me in providing what I don't have. And I look at my life and the way I just walked out of the mall spending over $200 while shopping for things that I really don't need, to seeing a guy that just wants money for lunch, it makes me feel like a dick.
So I reached into my pocket and pulled out whatever change I had, add onto the little bit that was just sitting in my cup holder, and I gave all of it to the guy. It was barely 5 bucks, but the smile and appreciation he had brought such joy to me because it felt like I wasn't giving out of reluctance or pity; but rather it was because I wanted to help him.
I've talked many times about leaving a "legacy" behind wherever you go so you can be take a look at how you'll be remembered. I've also talked a lot about how I want it so that when people look at me, they see Jesus. When I put these two things together, I wish that the people that I help out won't remember me for what I did, but the act itself that provided for something that they might not have gotten if it wasn't for it.
It's unfortunate that a source of payment runs this world. I'll never know that guy's name; and I'll probably never see him again; but I hope that through all the people that's provided for him, he'll be drawn toward Jesus more and more.
Forget about the price tag.
I used that as an excuse to go shopping this morning. And from what was intended to be just a casual trip, I came home with more to think about than just the things that I bought.
I've been eying a new pair of jeans and a zip-up hoodie for a while now. So I saw this as the perfect opportunity to seize the time that I have left in Edmonton to buy something as a "reward" for myself before I go back to school.
So I walked out of the store spending quite a bit of money buying those two items that I wanted and started to think about what my mom would want. I always feel like buying presents for moms are always the hardest. They never really want anything; even if they do, they'll never say it because they always put the family first.
Then I walked into the store and I saw a few neat things that I thought I could get. And then I looked at the price tag. There were two different things I wanted to get my mom but the price just could not justify me buying it. After debating for probably 10 minutes, I decided just to get them anyway. As I walk out the store I thought to myself, "why is it that I can so easily spend $200 on myself but struggle to spend $30 for my mom?" And on came the wave of guilty thoughts about how my mom has put us first all our lives, and blah blah blah. I think that even though the prices I paid for the two things I got my mom was a little more than what they should've cost, I should probably stop letting the price of something get in the way of showing someone how much I appreciate them. Sure, there's going to be a line that you can't really cross if something is ridiculously overpriced; but if I can so easily dish out an arm or a leg to buy something for myself, I should be able to do the same for others.
And I thought that when I left the mall, that was the end of it. I pulled close to the stop light where I needed to turn back onto 170th St., and I saw a guy holding a sign that said "I'm hungry. Can you help? I'm sorry." Normally, I just bypass these people without thinking much. And a lot of times, there are people that aren't really hungry and just want the money for drugs or whatever. But regardless of how they got into such a situation, it's a sad story. And this guy looked pretty legit in not having any food - he was pretty young, mid to late 20s is my guess. Even though I don't really care much for most of the people that I pass by with signs, it breaks my heart every time I see one. Whether or not they really need the money for food, having to resort to standing on the street and holding up a sign in hopes that someone feels bad for you is really unfortunate.
I take a look at myself and I know what it's like to not have enough money. Of course, my not having money is totally different from what the people on the streets see has not having money. My not having money is that I don't have enough to pay for school next year. The fortunate thing for me is that I still have a family that is looking out for me in providing what I don't have. And I look at my life and the way I just walked out of the mall spending over $200 while shopping for things that I really don't need, to seeing a guy that just wants money for lunch, it makes me feel like a dick.
So I reached into my pocket and pulled out whatever change I had, add onto the little bit that was just sitting in my cup holder, and I gave all of it to the guy. It was barely 5 bucks, but the smile and appreciation he had brought such joy to me because it felt like I wasn't giving out of reluctance or pity; but rather it was because I wanted to help him.
I've talked many times about leaving a "legacy" behind wherever you go so you can be take a look at how you'll be remembered. I've also talked a lot about how I want it so that when people look at me, they see Jesus. When I put these two things together, I wish that the people that I help out won't remember me for what I did, but the act itself that provided for something that they might not have gotten if it wasn't for it.
It's unfortunate that a source of payment runs this world. I'll never know that guy's name; and I'll probably never see him again; but I hope that through all the people that's provided for him, he'll be drawn toward Jesus more and more.
Forget about the price tag.
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